Parental conflict is inevitable. It’s going to happen. There is also a clear link between interparental conflict and children’s behavioral and emotional problems, in both divorced and intact families. However, parents can fight in ways that fosters positive outcomes in their children.
The Importance of Fighting Fair
Research has shown that the content of the argument is less impactful on childhood development than the way decisions are handled by the parents. Kids are constantly learning how to interact and engage by watching their parents. Throwing verbal low-blows, criticizing and blaming back and forth demonstrates a lack of respect for each other. (Even worse, you may find your middle-schooler responding just as disrespectfully to you and to others!) Instead, choose to put away defensiveness, be curious about the perspective of your spouse, and treat them kindly.
This does not mean one parent just giving in to the other parent though. “We did a study on that,” says psychologist E. Mark Cummings. He has studied the effects of interparental conflict on children for decades. Cummings and his colleagues at Notre Dame found that kids do not respond well to seeing their parents capitulate.
In fact, the most problematic reactions from kids came from witnessing parents express nonverbal anger like stonewalling, avoidance, shutting down, or being unwilling to cooperate. When parents withdraw from one another it is actually more disturbing to kids in the long term than open conflict.
He explains, “Kids understand hostility. It tells them what’s going on and they can work with that. But when parents withdraw and become emotionally unavailable, kids don’t know what’s going on. They just know things are wrong.” It becomes harder for kids to regulate themselves. This remained true regardless of the relationship status of their parents.
Create a Strong Partnership (outside of your kids)
University of California Berkley’s Philip Cowan studies the impact of the marriage relationship on children. He found a connection between improvements in the quality of marital relationships and parent-child relationships and the children’s ability to adapt. In other words, the quality of your marriage, or relationship with your ex-spouse, matters because it affects parenting.
As therapist and psychologist Laura Berman, Ph.D., explains, “No matter how sacrilegious it sounds…you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership. . What could be more important?” This may look like being more intentional about daily touch points with one another during the day, showing affection in front of your children, holding conversations where children are not the main topic. If parenting issues are continually eroding your marriage it may be helpful to evaluate whether your emotional desires are being met through your children.
What if We’re Divorced?
Even if you are not together anymore, it is better for children to have parents who choose to back each other up and work together as a team, than to have parents (even with all the greatest parenting skills) who lack a supportive relationship. Take time to communicate with your co-parent to verify stories from your children and involve one another in important decisions affecting your kids.
Is Conflict bad?
Interparental conflict isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, children exposed to healthy conflict can learn effective ways to manage differences and solve problems. They grow when they see their parents calm themselves down, assert themselves without putting the other down, and regulate their emotions instead of shifting blame. Fuller Life is here to help families stay on the same team and raise strong, healthy, secure children.
Gregory, L. (2017, November 30). When Parents Fight: The Pros and Cons of Arguing in front of Your kids. Retrieved February 15, 2018, from https://globalnews.ca/news/3655488/when-parents-fight-the-pros-and-cons-of-arguing-in-front-of-your-kids/&p=DevEx,5036.1
Imagine the days before the internet, before television, even before radio. Imagine a time when the senses were not constantly inundated with competing sources of sound and imagery. That, my friend, is quiet. Our world is bombarded with all kinds of sensory information—music, video, talking, billboards, the noise of the city, laughter, alarms. But our brains need a break from even the most enjoyable stimuli. Studies indicate that even low levels of constant noise increase stress levels and impair our ability to function properly. A growing body of research also highlights the impact that too much visual input from sources like the internet has on problems like anxiety. It also disrupts our attention and learning ability.
Finding quiet might seem impossible in a society where the advancement of sales, popularity and political agendas seems hinged on how much information can be pumped into our systems. But there are tools to help give your brain a break.
Plan and prioritize. Put quiet time in your schedule. Prioritize it as an appointment and do not allow others to intrude upon it. Would you brush off a doctor’s appointment to have a last-minute lunch date? Then try giving your personal time the same importance. It’s for your own good.
Do it naturally. Sometimes removing yourself from your typical environment surrounded by modern technology is your best bet. Reconnect with the outdoors. Head to a park or spend a little time in the backyard. Sit and focus on one leaf or close your eyes and listen to the simple sound around you.
Do it spiritually. Your quiet time is your sacred space. You can view as a time to just listen inwardly, contemplate and reconnect spiritually. Find that higher focus to help you stay in tune.
Take what you can get. Locate the unused moments in your life where you could be quiet. Use your ride to and from work to disconnect from the noise. Find an unoccupied space at work and sit for 5 minutes with your eyes closed. The little moments can add up.
Healthy Results
Getting the quiet that your brain craves is more about a change in perspective. Modern society can make you feel that every free moment must be occupied with getting or disseminating information. We think we will fall behind or miss the next important thing if we do not constantly stay connected.
Sometimes we can grow so used to the noise around us that we no longer realize what we are constantly taking in. Begin by changing your mind about the importance of quiet. Then shhhhhh….
If you find yourself guilty of engaging in harmful self-talk, do not fret, you are not alone. Many of us are guilty of using shaming or denigrating language to speak to ourselves on a daily basis. Our intimate thoughts can sometimes be a scary place, especially when they are riddled with negativity and self-hate. How often do we take time to notice the way we “talk dirty” to ourselves?
Better yet, how often do we take the time to reframe those negative thoughts into more compassionate musings? If you are like many individuals, it is likely that you have not taken the time to notice your negative self-talk, much less considered speaking more kindly to yourself. Here is a three-step process for identifying and reshaping damaging self-talk.
First Step: Notice our Dirty Talk
Where does our dirty talk come from? For most, it comes from a combination of experiences and interactions we have with others- parents, teachers, classmates or coworkers. Regardless of where your negative self-talk comes from, it is important to identify it and recognize how it infiltrates your day-to-day routine. Here are a few examples of distorted self-talk:
– I am not good at my job
– I’ll never be good at anything
– I am not smart enough
– If only I was thinner
– I’m so stupid
Second Step: Swap Your Dirty Talk
If you are able to identify your negative self-talk, then you are taking a step towards changing the way that you experience your world and the people in it. While identifying dirty talk is important, if what you want is to live a more growth promoting life then it is important make steps towards changing those self-damaging thoughts. One way to do this is by writing down your internal negative thoughts and reversing them. For example:
– I am not good at my job vs I work hard at my job
– I’ll never be good at anything vs I am good at several things
– I am not smart enough vs I work hard to learn new things
Third Step: Challenge Your Dirty Talk
The last step and possibly the most challenging, is to provide yourself with reasons why the reversed thought is true. Distorted self-talk is just that, distorted. Which means that the things you tell yourself are most likely untrue and there is evidence in your own experiences to prove this. For example:
– I am good at my job because I work hard to complete my tasks
– I am good at many things like reading, and helping around the house
– I am smart because I take time to learn new things
– I am not stupid because I am able to accomplish many tasks thought my day
Reframing your dirty talk may be a very challenging thing to do, especially when you are unaware that you are doing it to yourself. However, you can rise to the challenge. If you want to positively change the way you perceive yourself and your experiences, you can. Retraining yourself will take a conscious effort, but the outcome will be very rewarding. Change your negative self-talk step-by-step and leave the dirty talk for the bedroom.
The beginning of a relationship is filled with excitement and possibility. Getting to know a new person and allowing them to get to know you is thrilling and daunting at the same time. Passion, excitement and curiosity swirl at this stage. However, this period is unlikely to last very long. Slowly, as the relationship progresses, familiarity, routine and a sense of security begins to set in. Intimacy, often defined as knowing the other and being known, begins to grow.
Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, suggests that what makes for good intimacy does not always make for good sex. Good intimacy often involves the feeling of being emotionally “close”, such as with deep conversations, growing familiarity, and self-disclosure. Emotional closeness and physical intimacy do not always directly correlate and may have a more complex relationship.
According to Perel, in order for connection to happen, there needs to be an implied separateness. We cannot move closer together if we are already wrapped up in one another. Eroticism is movement toward the other, but we often seek to eliminate otherness in our close relationships by focusing solely on how we are similar and involving each other in every aspect of our lives.
In other words, being separate is a requirement for actually being close. We are usually uncomfortable with this separateness and experience anxiety and insecurity. But this very discomfort is a what helps to maintain our interest and sexual desire. Fire needs air. Desire needs mystery.
So, how do you keep desire alive?
Develop and cultivate your own “secret garden”. Perel suggests that rather than considering separateness as pulling away from the other, consider it to be the development of personal intimacy. Get to know yourself, your unique interests, hobbies, talents and dreams and go after them!
Recognize and allow for the ways your partner remains mysterious to you. Instead of, at the end of the day, pressing for every detail that filled the preceding hours when you were apart, allow for the “space between” the two of you to exist. Additionally, appreciate the ways your partner, though he or she may be similar to you in some ways, thinks and acts and sees the world differently than you do.
Maintaining love and desire in committed relationships involves finding the balance between surrendering to the “other” and maintaining autonomy and a sense of self. This is both a challenging and exciting journey!
Perel, Esther. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
Thats it! You have had enough. Someone around you has done the very thing you hate. Almost immediately, you see red. Or maybe the anger slowly brews and builds rage over a long period of time.
What is really happening underneath the anger? Some mental health professionals refer to anger as a secondary emotion. According to Dr. Harry Mills, anger is the emotion we are most aware we are experiencing. However, anger usually just hides the presence of deeper and less comfortable emotions like sadness, guilt, embarrassment, hurt, fear, etc.
The Anger Umbrella
If umbrellas are protective devices that we use to shield ourselves from exposure to the elements, then we can see anger in a similar way. Anger can seem like an exhibition of power, potentially making a threatening presence back away. It can be loud, volatile and tense. Clinical and forensic psychologist, Dr. Steven Diamond explains that this can be very useful in the face of a true threat. Suppose an attacker lunges at you and you have nowhere to go. Anger would propel you into defense mode much more than fear, possibly saving your life.
But what anger can also do is shield others and sometimes ourselves from seeing the pain, embarrassment or other more vulnerable emotions that exist underneath. If your friend or spouses actions have triggered hurt for you and you believe feeling hurt may show weakness, being mad is likely to step in to try to ensure that no one takes advantage.
Anger and the brain
Interestingly, the brain moves us very quickly from these primary emotions to anger. It can happen so fast that we hardly even notice the switch unless we are aware enough to do some reflective backtracking. Dr. Seltzer describes how the brain releases the hormone, norepinephrine, into the bloodstream to numb mental or physical pain during an mad response. Basically, the brain uses anger to hide pain.
The Truth Shall Make You Free
Why is it important to expose the truth behind your anger? Because dealing with the root issue is much more effective than simply managing the anger symptoms. Oftentimes, in sessions with clients, I find that anger dissolves once the actual emotions behind them are identified. I can visibly see anger give way to the revelation of sadness or embarrassment. Once the client is honest about his thoughts and feelings, he is better able to process and heal from the root issue. The next time you recognize yourself responding in anger, try working through the following steps:
What thoughts are connected to the anger? Suppose you are angry with your partner about not spending time with you. You may be thinking, He doesnt want to spend time with me which may lead to the thought, He doesnt think Im worth spending time with.
What other feelings come up? When you identify the thoughts connected with the anger, you can then work through the deeper emotions connected to the thoughts. Take a moment to sit with the thought. Maybe you can journal about it. For instance, if you say to yourself, My partner doesn’t think that Im worth spending time with. This may uncover feelings of sadness, hurt or low self-worth from beneath the irritation.
What do I do with what I have? Now that the thoughts and emotions within the anger have been identified, it is time to work through them and decide how you can respond in a way you value. Having new information about how you are thinking and feeling might give rise to new issues that need to be addressed. In the example above, you realize your belief is your partner does not think you are worth spending time with and this is connected to feelings of hurt and low self-worth. This enables you to talk with your partner from a more self-aware position and potentially improves understanding. You could also talk to yourself about your beliefs. Take time to consider how you determine your self-worth and if it is healthy.
Living Life Uncovered
You might notice that developing a habit of hiding painful emotions leads to habitual rage. Such a lifestyle of anger destroys relationships and creates bitterness. Have the courage to allow yourself to own the truth of your experience. Otherwise, holding onto hostility can keep you stuck.
There is a time and a place for anger to be expressed in healthy ways. Stay tuned for the follow-up to this blog to find out what healthy anger looks like.
It can be difficult for any parent to learn to let their adult children go off into the world to succeed, and inevitably, fail on their own. The desire to protect is a strong one and may be especially true of parents of children with special needs. These parents may wonder what adult life could possibly look like for their children and whether their children could receive the same level of care and support from the world that they have at home.
The transition to adulthood is a long and ongoing process that begins in infancy and continues long past your child’s 18thbirthday as your child gradually becomes more independent.
Self-determination, which is about making choices and decisions that affect one’s own life, is an important aspect of fostering independence (PBS, Mitchell, 2012). In fact, choice-making is viewed in Western society as part of transition to adulthood (Mitchell, 2012).
Encouraging self-determination and choice-making does not mean allowing your child to make every single decision that impacts his or her life. But, it does mean gradually relinquishing parental control in order to allow your children to develop the skills and self-confidence necessary to manage doing some things on their own.
In wanting to protect their children and keep them from harm, some parents of older children may even make decisions for their children without them being aware of the decision in the first place (Mitchell, 2012). There is a fine line between being a protective, concerned parent and becoming overprotective. Nevertheless, overprotective parenting, even with the best of intentions, can have a negative impact on your child’s self-esteem and perception of their capabilities (Sanders, 2006).
It is helpful to consider family choice-making along a continuum (adapted from Mitchell, 2012)…
1. Exclusionary –
Here the aim is to protect the child. This results in the child not being involved in the choice.
2. Informative –
The aim is to help he child understand and participate in choice-making, but parents make the final decision.
3. Collaborative
Parents support and empower the child’s choice-making
4. Delegatory
The choice is completely handed over to the child.
Families may adopt differing choice-making styles depending on the decision at hand and the level of risk involved. For example, the choice of which school to attend may more easily fall into the informative andcollaborative,or evendelegatory, categories. However, the decision to undergo a life-changing surgery is more likely to fall into the exclusionary or informative categories.
Here are a few questions to consider as you think of ways to support the growing independence of your child (adapted from PBS.org) ….
What are our familys ideas about becoming a successful adult?
How does our family make decisions? Do children have a say?
How might my child participate in decision making? In what ways does our family support choice making for our children?
It is every parents’ desire to see their children living to their full potential. Encouraging wise and appropriate choice-making is one way to watch your children grow and flourish as adults.
Sanders KY. Overprotection and lowered expectations of persons with disabilities: the unforeseen consequences. Work, 2006;27(2):181-8
Mitchell, 2012.Parents’ accounts: Factors considered when deciding how far to involve their son/daughter with learning disabilities in choice-making. Children and Youth Services Review, 34: 1560-1569.
In the movie, Thirteen, Tracy Freeland is a seventh grade honor student with a troubling home life. As a girl who formerly channeled her frustrations from home into her studies, her life derails when she meets popular student Evie who introduces her to sex, drugs and thievery. When Tracy’s mother, Melanie, tries to set limits, her daughter acts out more. Melanie backs down again and again guilty over her own preoccupation with relational and financial problems. In the end, Melanie and Tracy have a brutal argument leading to a full picture of a daughter’s distress and her mother’s love.
While some critics disagree, others have said the film highlights the dynamics of adolescent Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD). With one psychiatrist stating, “it should have been titled How To Turn Your Teenager into a Borderline Without Even Being Abusive”. Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder surface in adolescence; but, it can be hard for parents to distinguish from typical teenage acting out.How can you know for sure?
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
To start, many are skeptical of diagnoses like Borderline Personality disorder (BPD). Psychiatric diagnoses come and go. Dr. Blaise Aguirre, expert psychiatrist and extensive author on the subject of BPD, explains this is largely due to the absence of accurate tools and procedures. While technology has improved greatly, the majority of diagnoses are based on observations and descriptions of behavior alone. Consequently, a behavior such as impulsivity could be a sign used to diagnose ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, or Borderline Personality disorder. For this reason, Aguirre adds that Borderline personality disorder is a mysteriously complex disorder because its own behaviors overlap the behaviors of typical adolescents, along with those characteristic of mood disorders, attention deficit disorders, and even post traumatic stress disorder. He says it is like all of those but incredibly distinct at the same time. It has obvious characteristics.
Dr. Marsha Linehan, developer of one of the most effective treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), describes the disorder as “a poorly understood condition characterized by neediness, outbursts and self-destructive urges, often leading to cutting or burning.” In order to be diagnosed, a person must meet five of the nine criteria, including abandonment fears, unstable personal relationships, unstable identity, impulsive behaviors with drugs and sex, suicidal/self-harm behavior, affective or emotional instability, chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness, and dissociative feelings. It is a relational disorder marked by high emotional sensitivity, high emotional reactivity, and a slow return to baseline.
Given those criteria, Aguirre says, it’s not hard to see why normal teenage development can look like emerging adult BPD. Most adolescents have difficulty controlling their emotions, thoughts and behavior. They can be impulsive. Additionally, they have problems in their relationships and confusion over their identities. If my teen has suicidal thoughts or intense anger one day, does that mean she’s got a personality disorder? Not necessarily.
What’s the Difference?
“A lot of people said you know it’s just kind of normal teenage acting out and it wasn’t..and it didn’t feel normal to me” says one mom of child who meets the criteria for BPD.
Many parents feel the behaviors of their teen don’t feel normal but the actions may look typical of teen development. Dr. Aguirre tells parents to imagine two girls are sitting at a cafeteria in high school. Both have had screaming matches with their parents. They have each made risky choices experimenting with sex , drugs and self-harm. Both can be moody. Both are passionate and caring people. One has Borderline Personality Disorder and the other does not. The difference, he says, is in the function of the behavior.
“Adolescents with borderline personality disorder often use self-harm, illegal substances, and rage to cope with profound misery, intense emotions, emptiness, self-loathing, and abandonment fears,” explains Aguirre. After interviewing teens who cut, he found that some did so because they saw copied others. These teens were confused over why others cut and they stopped because it was painful. Other teens, he found, felt more alive after cutting. They felt calmer, less numb, and said the cutting gave them little or no pain. It is very troubling for a parent of a teen who finds a reduction in pain through self-harm because it will likely be repeated. Aguirre explains that repeating this behavior hard-wires it into the brain as a way to problem solve and cope.
Repetitive self-harm behaviors and suicidality are not typical adolescent behaviors. In the same way, alcohol abuse and impulsive sexual activities to ease emotional pain is atypical to adolescence and require a response.
What can parents do?
Don’t diagnose your child. If concerned about your child’s actions, find a qualified mental health professional. They can distinguish between normal adolescent behavior from other disorders. It is not uncommon for clinicians to be uncomfortable making the diagnosis or reluctant to work with teens who have been diagnosed. One parent sought the help of many mental health professionals but no one mentioned BPD. Another parent was refused care because the case was too difficult for the therapist. She wondered where to find help if the very people trained to treat mental health cases refused her. Dr. Aguirre recommends asking if the clinician has training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, post-traumatic stress disorder, or has worked with self-harming or suicidal teens. He also recommends writing a list of concerns you have for your child, including specific behaviors, medications with dosages, hospitalizations and past therapies.
Learn about validation. Validation is helpful for teens with or without BPD. Dr. Linehan explains that validation requires empathy and communicates that another’s response makes sense. In contrast, self-validation acknowledges your own experiences are real and acceptable to you. It frees you up to validate others. Again, to validate another is to accept his or her experience as true and able to be understood. However, validating others does not mean you agree, support his or her actions, or feel the same way. Dr. Aguirre adds, it simply means that you accept that your child has a point of view that might be different from yours and it is real.
Practice balance. Dr. Blaise lists three parental balancing strategies that work for teens with or without BPD. First, seek to find the balance between being too lenient and taking restrictive control. Then, try to find a fair line between minimaizing a problem behavior versus overreacting to to it. Since teenage years are all about learning to be an adult, Aguirre ends by telling parents to try to find the balance between forcing autonomy and fostering dependence
Practice Self-Care. Regular eating, sleeping, and exercise help parents handle the ups and downs of their teens from a place of fullness. Self-care is also finding support. This can be a challenge because many families may notice what happens in their home isn’t taking place in other homes. As a result, they isolate themselves. Many families found that even extended family members had difficulty understanding. However, even if support doesn’t come from those nearest you, don’t continue alone. Try finding a therapist for yourself, an online forum, or a group like Family Connections. Family Connections is a free group program designed by families for families of those with symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Brainstorm the Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain Drawing on important new research in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, Siegel explores exciting ways in which understanding how the brain functions can improve vital skills teens learn, such as how to leave home and enter the larger world, connect deeply with others, and safely experiment and take risks.
National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder works with families and persons in recovery, raises public awareness, provides education to professionals, promotes research, and works with Congress to enhance the quality of life for those affected by this serious but treatable mental illness.
National Institute of Mental Health is the foremost federal agency for research on mental disorders. NIMH is part of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the largest biomedical research agency in the world. NIH is also part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS).
Online Support for Family Members
Welcome to Oz
BPD Central’s forum service “Welcome to Oz” has endless options for a customizable experience. Whether you are a parent, grandparent, or sibling to somebody with BPD or just a close friend/romantic partner; you will find the right avenue to put you in contact with others in similar positions. Because they have grown to more than 20,000 members, they offer 15 diverse and active groups.
Lines from the Border
Randi Krieger has created a safe haven for those affected closely by somebody who has or may have borderline personality disorder. With stockpiles of information, it is no wonder bpdcentral.com is at the forefront when it comes to highly regarded borderline websites. With the ability to locate therapists through the website as well as a BPD answer line where you can schedule a confidential telephone call, bpdcentral.com is a fantastic resource.
Steps to Validation
References
Aguirre, B. A. (2014). Borderline personality disorder in adolescents: what to do when your teen has BPD: a complete guide for families. Beverly, MA: Fair Winds.
Relational DBT Validation. (2014, December 15). Sunrise Residential Treatment Center Retrieved October 24, 2017, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HANLHwZ47Hc
Teen Moodiness, or Borderline Personality Disorder? (2010, February 25). New York Times. Retrieved July 21, 2017, from https://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/25/borderline-personality-disorder-in-teenagers/
Grief usually brings up memories of those we have lost. However, people grieve for many reasons. Believing grief is only about mourning those who have died can leave a person feeling confused and lost when they witness related symptoms after the loss of other important parts of their lives.
People often mourn the loss of a marriage or other relationship, a job or business after retirement, functioning, a home after a disaster, a life plan that does not pan out the way you thought it would, or personal security after being violated to name a few. The loss of all of these can lead you through stages of grieving. But unlike the loss of a loved one, you may not expect to encounter grief in these areas. Being aware that grief does not just happen when you lose a person or a pet can help you to recognize it for what it is and address it in a healthy way.
How do we experience grief?
People respond to loss in different ways. Many have heard of the stages of grief which include anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages occur in different orders, with some occurring more than once during a single period of loss. And not all stages may be experienced. In addition, you might find that you are having physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in weight, headaches or upset stomach. Emotional and behavioral difficulties can often appear in the form of restlessness, drastic mood changes, crying spells, deep sadness, difficulty concentrating, confusion, fear, guilt, anger, and many other symptoms.
Pay attention to your mind and body if you are witnessing any of these symptoms. They might be telling you that grief is present.
How do we respond to grief?
Trying to convince yourself that you should not be grieving because no one has died is not helpful. Having to deal with disenfranchised grief only makes the healing process more difficult. Minimizing the weight of your loss might come from your inner voice or external friends and family who may not understand the impact of your loss. Whether or not you initially think you should be grieving, you are still doing so.
A healthy dose of self-compassion is a great first step to managing your grieving process. Through accepting and validating your loss to yourself and then giving yourself space to grieve, you open the door to properly deal with it.
For many, especially when they are enduring disenfranchised grief, it can be helpful to participate in a support group with people who are coping with similar life changes. Engaging with peers can help with validating and normalizing the pain of such loss. These groups may also help to provide tools for processing your loss. Individual counseling can be similarly beneficial, especially for people experiencing prolonged grief for greater than six months. It is especially important to take care of yourself and seek professional help.
If you are struggling with grief, check out some of these resources to start your healing journey:
Going through a separation or divorce can be a painful and confusing time for many. It can be especially difficult when there are children involved. As a parent, you may be concerned about when is the best time to have a conversation with your children and what information to share – or not to share
Planning for the conversation
Dr. Herrick, psychotherapist, recommends telling your children 2 to 3 weeks before the separation. In an ideal situation, both parents will be present for the conversation. If this is not possible, it is important for the parent present to not speak poorly of the parent who is absent to ensure that the child does not feel pressured to take sides Once a general timeline has been set, it is time to decide on the logistics of where and when the conversation will take place. According to a research study done by Heather Westberg, the memory of this conversation, and how they were first told, sticks with children. It is important to spend some time thinking about the environment in which to talk with your children. For example, selecting a quiet, neutral location during a time of day when you will have some uninterrupted time together is best.
Rules of engagement during the conversation
After preparing the environment, comes the weighty task of actually having the conversation. Here are a few pointers to keep in mind while talking with your child…
1. Present as a united front.
Be respectful of one another and make it clear that while the both of you may disagree on various things, you do agree on doing what is best for your children.
2. Keep it simple and honest.
Do not share more information than the children need to know (e.g., financial arrangements, the details of your disagreements), but answer your children’s questions honestly when they ask difficult questions like, “What does divorce mean?” “Why are you leaving each other?”
3. Share the plan going forward.
Share with your children some of the major changes that will be happening. How long until mom or dad moves out? Where will the children be staying? What school will they attend? How often will they see each parent? Also be sure to reassure your children on things that will remain the same (e.g., school, neighborhood, Sunday dinners at Grandma’s, etc. )
4. Emphasize that this is your decision.
Make sure your children know that separation or divorce is not their fault and has nothing to do with them. Nothing they can do – good or bad, will influence the decision.
5. Stay true to your word.
In your conversation, make sure your children hear how much you love them. After the conversation, keep your word in showing your love to your children by spending time with them, encouraging them, showing affection and acting in their best interests.
6. Be prepared for unexpected reactions.
Your child may respond in a number of ways – anger, confusion, sadness, relief, or they may even appear not to respond at all. Rather than pushing your child to feel differently (i.e. “look at the bright side!”), remain curious and accepting of what they are feeling. Let your child know that it is okay to be sad, angry, confused, or relieved. Help them find healthful ways to share and express these feelings (e.g. drawing, journaling, being active, talking…)
Many parents are, understandably, concerned about how their child will cope with separation or divorce. While this will likely be a challenging time for both parents and children, ensuring that your children know they can come to you with their questions and feelings will help them through the process. For more resources on how to support your child through the divorce process, check out our ScoopIt! Page.
***Although the information provided in the therapy blog is written by mental health professionals, it DOES NOT substitute or qualify as professional counseling or therapy. This information is offered as a source of help and information regarding common concerns related to mental, emotional, relational and spiritual health. Please note the information provided here is for information purposes only and is NOT professional counseling.
Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate
Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate
