Our WEST therapists:
Shani Bell, LPC, Registered Art Therapist – Fuller Life WEST
Manet Castaneda, Resident Therapist, Fuller Life LOOP and WEST
Angela Blocker, Fuller Life WEST
Terry Hoisington – Fuller Life WEST
How much more can I give? How much more can I do? How much more can I take? These questions can be haunting and feel unanswerable. More so, it can be defeating when the answer never comes. Finding ways to maintain and restore energy can help sustain the busy and hectic lives that have become normal in our society. It can be difficult, but recognizing burnout is the best first step.
It happens so fast. You start taking on different roles (such as husband, wife, boss, employee) that keep you busy, pay the bills, and maintain your relationships. It could be a new job, a new relationship, or a new friend group. Sometimes within the roles you fill are even more roles (such as having multiple responsibilities within one job). Things go well for a while, but then you start to run out of fuel.
Knowing personal limits is the first step in being able to set healthy boundaries. How do you know where to make cuts or modifications if you don’t even know there is a problem?
Limits can be reached when there’s nothing left to give, but there are still responsibilities to attend to. Each role and responsibility consumes energy. Running on empty can result in higher levels of stress and burnout. Burnout is the exhaustion, lack of patience, and feeling down that comes from long periods of stress.
There are many of ways to prevent burnout and create healthy boundaries to conserve energy and take care of yourself. A few examples include: having your needs met from the work you do, carving out time for self-care, and using your support system.
Getting what you need from the work you do can be a great step in not getting burned out. It can be easy to just think about the money or the title with the job. However, understanding what you gain from the job you do can be helpful in knowing if something needs to change. Here are some questions to find out if your needs are being met at work:
Each person will be different in how many of these questions they want to answer “yes” to. If many of the answers are “yes,” then the chances of burnout may be less likely. If most or all the answers are “no,” maybe there are some changes that can happen to increase the number “yes” answers. Having a healthy work environment will only help in decreasing stress and preventing burnout.
Think about what relaxes you. Is it reading a good book, going on a trip, or binging a show on Netflix? Finding ways to let go of the stress of the day can restore energy levels to tackle the day-to-day responsibilities. If self-care isn’t a priority, recharging is difficult. Then, you’re left on empty with mounting responsibilities.
Having a support system is important for a variety of reasons. Friends, family, and significant others can provide an outlet when life feels overwhelming. It’s also just as important to find a healthy support system. Healthy supports are the people who love, encourage, and challenge you to help you grow. Sometimes life can be too much to handle by yourself. Talking to friends or family is another way to prevent burnout.
There are many different ways to help fight burnout. The important thing is to find what works for you. For more ideas, check out these other resources or more from our blog:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/201306/7-strategies-prevent-burnout
Contributed by Lindsay Perry, MA, LPC Intern #79863
Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S
Summer is coming to a close, which for families means one thing: school is back in session. No more sleeping in until noon, spending the day playing outside or lounging around watching TV. Now it’s time for waking up early, spending all day inside a classroom, coming home to do homework, to go to sleep early to do it all over again the next day. In other words, it’s time for routine again.
Many things can make this transition difficult, but there are also ways to help make it easier for kids, teenagers, and even adults. By honing executive functioning skills, everyone can become more organized inside and out, ready to take on the day.
Executive functioning skills are those skills necessary for everyday functioning. There are two main categories: behavioral and thinking skills. They are things such as the ability to complete tasks (behavioral), make decisions (thinking), and stay in control of emotions (behavioral). Both are equally important in helping a child make progress towards being an independent, fully-functioning adult.
There are a variety of ways to establish routine and begin honing these skills. Start with the ones that need strengthening first. When it comes to school, planning and time management are crucial skills, along with task initiation and persistence (not procrastinating). Teenagers may be able to do many of these things on their own, but if you have younger children, feel free to help them out.
The earlier you start training the brain, the easier it is to form good, lasting habits. But don’t freak out if this is the first time hearing about these skills! Brains are resilient and maintain plasticity throughout a person’s entire lifetime. That’s a fancy way of saying that brains can be trained to learn new habits at any age, though it does take less time at a younger age.
Executive functioning skills are naturally honed over time, which means that as a child’s brain grows, so will its ability to function well. As a parent helping to train a young one’s mind, it is important to remember that a 6-year-old will not have the same abilities as a 16-year-old, no matter how much they practice.
Helpful Tips:
Check out Harvard’s free activity guide for help finding activities for the right age group.
It’s important that parents play an active role in developing their child’s skills, since environment plays as big of a role as biology. However, you can only teach as much as you know. Try keeping a consistent schedule for yourself or creating your own reward system for goals you want to reach. It’ll help you stay on track, and you’ll be setting a great example for your kids.
Reference:
Dawson, P. and R. Guare (2009). Smart but scattered. New York: Guilford Press.
For more information:
Understanding Executive Functioning
Executive Function Is Key to Student Achievement
What is Executive Functioning? Video
Contributed by Elisa Squier, M.MFT, LMFT Associate
Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S
Are you stuck in a relationship where both of you are very defensive? If so, you know moving closer is difficult because before you must maneuver around a series of walls.
How can you move forward? Many people have found success by learning to overcome the inevitable difficulties that come with the natural defensiveness that occurs in relationships.
Remember, you can only change yourself. It’s a lesson to be learned over and over. As unsettling as this can be, a commitment to changing and accepting yourself offers liberation. While not always obvious, defensiveness needs a partner. Indeed, the very cycle of attack invites the other to defend with a counterattack. By changing the way you dance, however, you free yourself from these patterns. Defensiveness implies a need to be protected. The best protection you can give yourself and your spouse is knowing that you are strong and brave enough to respond rather than react.
References
Conley, R. (2014, June 29). Defensiveness Is Killing Your Relationships – How To Recognize It and What To Do About It. Retrieved from https://leadingwithtrust.com/2014/06/29/your-defensiveness-is-killing-your-relationships/
Gunther, R. (2017, May 17). En Guarde-How Defensiveness Can Destroy Love. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201705/en-guarde-how-defensiveness-can-destroy-love
Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate
Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC
The self is our sense of personal identity, it is a mental picture that we have of ourselves based on a number of things. The self is comprised of our moods, cognitions, behaviors, and relationships. Furthermore, the self is made up of our unique personal traits, physical characteristics, abilities, values, roles, and goals. Our sense of self begins to develop as young children and continues to develop throughout our lifetime. The experiences that we encounter throughout our lives have an impact on who we are and how we perceive ourselves. At times, it can be easy to lose our sense of self due to the interactions that we have with others, particularly loved ones. It is because of this that it is important to have a clear understanding of who we are.
Developing greater self-awareness is a necessary skill to learn if one is interested in growing as a more balanced and confident adult. Self-awareness is the extent to which we are focusing on and aware of our own self- concept. Our self-concept can be accessible for short periods of times like when we are in front of a mirror and we suddenly become aware of ourselves, or for longer periods of time like when we are clear and aware of our sexual preference. Because self-awareness comes and goes it is easy to lose sight of who are, and therefore more likely to violate our own values and norms. This is especially true when we are in a group setting where there is more pressure to conform to the group mentality.
Increasing self-awareness can be achieved through a number of mindful and intentional practices. As mentioned earlier, it is a skill to develop, and therefore requires time and intentionality. One of the best ways to gain greater self-awareness is to process your life story with a mental health professional who can help you gain greater insight into yourself. Seeking the help of a counselor can not only help you become more self-aware, but also can help you understand yourself better. Another way to practice self-awareness is by committing to dedicating 15-20 minutes of your day to exploring yourself and what you are about. You might even consider writing down ideas about who you are and what your values and beliefs are in order to gain greater clarity. Lastly, one way to learn more about yourself is through personality tests like the famous Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram personality assessment.
Being clear about who you are is essential for going through life, and learning to develop further self-awareness is a skill that can be developed through mindful and intentional practice. Because our sense of self is influenced and molded by the world around us, it is important to be clear about where we stand in that world. Our sense of self develops as we go through life, and because of this practicing self-awareness can aid in growing as balanced and confident adults.
For more information on the self and how to achieve greater awareness of the self, please visit: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/
http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/home.htm?bhcp=1
http://open.lib.umn.edu/socialpsychology/chapter/4-1-the-cognitive-self-the-self-concept/
A new baby can be a time for great celebration, but it can also be a terrifying and stressful experience. The first night – and many afterwards – can create anxiety as the new parents try to figure out how to take care of this fragile new human. Unfortunately, this anxiety that comes with inexperience and uncertainty doesn’t stay contained in the role as a parent – it affects how people behave in their role as spouse. It’s no wonder that marital tensions skyrocket during the first three years of parenthood. The bad news is that there’s no way to keep stress from your marriage and from your new family. The good news is this doesn’t mean resentment and distance have to become the new normal.
Here are a few guidelines adapted from John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman’s book, And Baby Makes Three – an easy read about their years of research on first-time families. These will help you and your spouse – and the baby – stay connected and loving through the good – and the stressful – days ahead.
A huge source of tension comes from one partner feeling that he or she has been replaced by a newborn. It is important to continue to have joint time with the baby, as well as one-on-one time with your partner to keep the intimacy going.
When you feel like there is so much to do, remember that you and your partner are a team. Both of you have responsibilities. Both of you participate in the never-ending list of chores. Be sure to tell your spouse what you appreciate about her. Tell him you love him. Let her know you see what she is doing and thank her for it.
Things are different now. What may have been pleasurable earlier in the relationship may no longer be pleasurable. Remember that the female body has just gone through a natural, but still traumatic, experience. Her body is initially keyed to the baby, whether breastfeeding or not. She may not be ready for sex. And when she is, she may not like the same things. Whether sexual or non-sexual attention, it is important for both to express their readiness and desires.
Remember that both of you are tired and stressed with all the extra work and all the sleepless nights both of you have endured. Even though it will be one of the hardest times to do it, have patience with each other and present your needs or desires in noncritical ways.
Nobody is perfect all the time. Again, remember that both of you are under a lot of pressure. You’re going to say things you don’t mean. Or use a harsh tone. Or forget to do something. The important thing is that when you do let the stress get the better of you, just apologize. Making things right in the moment helps to keep the tension between the two of you from building.
This is actually a crucial piece to keeping your baby healthy, especially in the early months.* It doesn’t mean that you can’t argue. In fact, it would be unrealistic and detrimental to the relationship to hold things back. However, babies pick up on the emotional atmosphere, and it is important for them to maintain a calm and happy environment. Pick a time and a place where you and your partner can go to discuss whatever may be bothering you, and then come back together with the baby once neither of you feels agitated anymore.
*This will begin to change once the baby gets to be a year or older and they have stronger cognitive abilities to understand arguments
Remember that this is a time of transition for both of you. No relationship is the same forever. There will be trial and error for both of you. But in the end, your family will thank you.
For other daily marriage tips, you can subscribe to the Gottman Marriage Minute newsletter here.
For more parenting tips, check out our other posts here.
Reference:
Gottman, J. M. & J. S. Gottman (2007). And baby makes three. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Contributed by Elisa Squier, M.MFT, LMFT Associate
Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S
Parental conflict is inevitable. It’s going to happen. There is also a clear link between interparental conflict and children’s behavioral and emotional problems, in both divorced and intact families. However, parents can fight in ways that fosters positive outcomes in their children.
Research has shown that the content of the argument is less impactful on childhood development than the way decisions are handled by the parents. Kids are constantly learning how to interact and engage by watching their parents. Throwing verbal low-blows, criticizing and blaming back and forth demonstrates a lack of respect for each other. (Even worse, you may find your middle-schooler responding just as disrespectfully to you and to others!) Instead, choose to put away defensiveness, be curious about the perspective of your spouse, and treat them kindly.
This does not mean one parent just giving in to the other parent though. “We did a study on that,” says psychologist E. Mark Cummings. He has studied the effects of interparental conflict on children for decades. Cummings and his colleagues at Notre Dame found that kids do not respond well to seeing their parents capitulate.
In fact, the most problematic reactions from kids came from witnessing parents express nonverbal anger like stonewalling, avoidance, shutting down, or being unwilling to cooperate. When parents withdraw from one another it is actually more disturbing to kids in the long term than open conflict.
He explains, “Kids understand hostility. It tells them what’s going on and they can work with that. But when parents withdraw and become emotionally unavailable, kids don’t know what’s going on. They just know things are wrong.” It becomes harder for kids to regulate themselves. This remained true regardless of the relationship status of their parents.
University of California Berkley’s Philip Cowan studies the impact of the marriage relationship on children. He found a connection between improvements in the quality of marital relationships and parent-child relationships and the children’s ability to adapt. In other words, the quality of your marriage, or relationship with your ex-spouse, matters because it affects parenting.
As therapist and psychologist Laura Berman, Ph.D., explains, “No matter how sacrilegious it sounds…you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership. . What could be more important?” This may look like being more intentional about daily touch points with one another during the day, showing affection in front of your children, holding conversations where children are not the main topic. If parenting issues are continually eroding your marriage it may be helpful to evaluate whether your emotional desires are being met through your children.
Even if you are not together anymore, it is better for children to have parents who choose to back each other up and work together as a team, than to have parents (even with all the greatest parenting skills) who lack a supportive relationship. Take time to communicate with your co-parent to verify stories from your children and involve one another in important decisions affecting your kids.
Interparental conflict isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, children exposed to healthy conflict can learn effective ways to manage differences and solve problems. They grow when they see their parents calm themselves down, assert themselves without putting the other down, and regulate their emotions instead of shifting blame. Fuller Life is here to help families stay on the same team and raise strong, healthy, secure children.
D.D. (2014, April 30). What Happens to Children When Parents Fight. Retrieved February 15, 2018, from http://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2014/04/30/what-happens-to-children-when-parents-fight
Gregory, L. (2017, November 30). When Parents Fight: The Pros and Cons of Arguing in front of Your kids. Retrieved February 15, 2018, from https://globalnews.ca/news/3655488/when-parents-fight-the-pros-and-cons-of-arguing-in-front-of-your-kids/&p=DevEx,5036.1
Additional Reading:
Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate
Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC
Imagine the days before the internet, before television, even before radio. Imagine a time when the senses were not constantly inundated with competing sources of sound and imagery. That, my friend, is quiet. Our world is bombarded with all kinds of sensory information—music, video, talking, billboards, the noise of the city, laughter, alarms. But our brains need a break from even the most enjoyable stimuli. Studies indicate that even low levels of constant noise increase stress levels and impair our ability to function properly. A growing body of research also highlights the impact that too much visual input from sources like the internet has on problems like anxiety. It also disrupts our attention and learning ability.
Silence, however has been found to have a greater impact on relaxation than even listening to relaxing music. Authors, artists, and many great thinkers have used the discipline of quiet time to develop ideas. Quiet time has actually been found to improve brain circulation and help grow new brain cells. Similarly, decreasing visual “noise” contributes to greater concentration
Finding quiet might seem impossible in a society where the advancement of sales, popularity and political agendas seems hinged on how much information can be pumped into our systems. But there are tools to help give your brain a break.
Getting the quiet that your brain craves is more about a change in perspective. Modern society can make you feel that every free moment must be occupied with getting or disseminating information. We think we will fall behind or miss the next important thing if we do not constantly stay connected.
Sometimes we can grow so used to the noise around us that we no longer realize what we are constantly taking in. Begin by changing your mind about the importance of quiet. Then shhhhhh….
Contributed by Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern
Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S
Sleep. We all know we need it, but it be one of the first things to go during busier or more stressful times. Times when we need a good night’s rest all the more!
Good sleep is important for a number of reasons, a couple of which are…
(adapted from this article)
Realistically, we cannot expect to work a hectic day, come home, watch TV or spend time on our phones, plop into bed and then magically drift off into dreamland. While that may work for some, it does not work for most. According to Shannon McClain, in an interview with Jennifer Christian on Self-Compassion Houston, getting a good night’s rest starts with some intentional preparation hours before bedtime.
We are used to having bright lights on long after the sun has gone down. We can begin to simulate dusk and get our bodies ready for sleep by closing the curtains, dimming the lights and putting screens and phones away at least an hour before bed time.
Having a consistent nighttime ritual can be helpful for preparing for sleep. For example, taking a bath, going through a spiritual practice, journaling or taking time to reflect on the day.
We can wake up at night for many reasons – to go to the bathroom, hearing loud noises, having stressful thoughts, etc. Wakefulness in the night does not always mean insomnia and does not need
to be a cause for alarm. We can remind ourselves that it is okay to wake up in the middle of the night. If we find our mind running with many thoughts, keeping a bedside journal to write down some of those thoughts can be helpful.
Ensuring the environment you sleep in is cool, dark, quiet and clean (tidy, clean bedding) are also essentials for preparing for sleep.
While it may be challenging to teach ourselves to slow down and prioritize something as seemingly unproductive as sleep, it is essential for a good night’s rest and a happier, healthier life as a result!
For more information on how to prepare for sleep, check out Jennifer Christian Counseling’s podcast
Additionally, this video by Matthew Walker emphasizes the importance of sleep and the negative impacts of sleep deprivation
Resources
http://www.businessinsider.com/what-happens-when-you-dont-get-enough-sleep-2017-12
https://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/node/4605
Contributed by
Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S
FULLER LIFE LOOP 4545 Bissonet, Suite 289, Bellaire, Texas 77401
Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate
