Every family experiences some form of hardship. Have you ever noticed how some families seem to bounce back, perhaps even using their trials for good; while others never quite seem to recover? What makes some families more resilient?
Family resilience is the ability to “withstand and rebound from disruptive life challenges, strengthened and more resourceful” (Walsh, 2011). While it may seem that some families are ”born” with an inherent ability to withstand difficulty, the good news is than any family can grow their resilience (Pogosayan, 2017).
Dr. Froma Walsh is a family therapist and leading expert on family resilience. She has identified nine main ingredients for family resilience, divided into three categories: belief systems (what the family thinks and believes); organizational patterns (how the family acts and relates to one another), and communication patterns (how the family speaks and communicates). Any family can mix together these nine ingredients to make their own, unique family resilience “recipe.”
Beliefsystems
Resilient families…
Are able to make meaning of the adversity, perhaps by normalizing the hardship or viewing it as an opportunity for growth.
Have a hopeful and positive outlook. They seize opportunities and persevere.
Have a sense of purpose, larger values or some form of spirituality/faith to lean on.
Organizational patterns
Resilient families…
Are flexible and able to adapt to new circumstances while also maintaining some stability (rituals, routines, strong leadership).
Are connected and supportive of one another. They respect each other as individuals.
Have social and economic resources by mobilizing the support of kin, social and community networks.
Communicationpatterns
Resilient families…
Have clear communication. They seek and speak truth.
They are open with their emotions and willing to share a range of feelings without blaming or “lashing out”.
Are able to tap into their inner resourcefulness and collaborate to problem solve.
At Fuller Life, we believe there is hope for all families to thrive after a hardship. We are here to walk alongside as you do. ResourcesPogosayan, M. (2017). What Makes Families Resilient?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/201710/what-makes-families-resilientWalsh, F. (2011). Family resilience: a collaborative approach in response to stressful life challenges. Resilience and mental health: Challenges across the lifespan, 149-161.
This month, Fuller Life connected with first year pre-med students at Prairie View A&M University to discuss how to avoid burn out by working hard while staying true to one’s values.
Why A Growth Mindset Matters
Many high achieving students find it is easy to coast through school on talents alone. However, many experience burn out when their mindset and focus become fixed on maintaining labels like “smart” or “talented.” Dr. Carol Dweck identified the difference between a fixed mindset and a growth mindset. When one chooses to hold a fixed mindset, they give up easily, strive for success over growth, avoid failures, and ignore useful negative feedback. This is in stark contrast to a growth mindset. In her book Mindset, Dr. Dweck explained that “…people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishment.”
How Values Affect Growth
Additionally, students were encouraged to consider the importance of remaining true to what they value. If a growth mindset is the fuel that keeps a car going; then, staying authentic is the compass that points towards the destination. Values motivate us and living authentically to our values can lead to a fuller life. When we do not uphold the values we believe in, it can lead to lack of integrity, feeling confused about who we are, and a tendency to allow others to direct our lives. Taking time to identify the values that are most important to you can reinforce a growth mindset and help prevent burn out!
Avoiding Burn Out with Fuller Life and Prairie View A&M University
References
Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York: Robinson.
Leiter, M. P., Frank, E., & Matheson, T. (2009). Values, Demands, and Burnout: Perspectives From National Survey of Canadian Physicians. PsycEXTRA Dataset. doi: 10.1037/e604522009-001
Real Talk: Should You Talk with Your Partner about Porn?
One of the most challenging conversations you can have with your partner is about pornography. While some consider it adultery to watch porn, others consider it a normal part of sexuality. Regardless where you stand, talking with your partner about porn can open doors to strengthen and develop your relationship.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when talking about porn with your partner.
Know Yourself
First, know where you stand on the issue. If you are uncomfortable with this topic, consider asking yourself what is uncomfortable. Explore what feels uncomfortable, so you can have more insight into yourself. If you are not uncomfortable, consider what draws you toward the use of porn and why. Knowing your comfort level helps you be clear about your preferences as you discuss this with your partner.
Studies show that couples who are open to discussing their porn usage are more satisfied in their relationship than those who do not. Chances are you will have different things to say about the issue, so it is important to know where you stand first.
Invite a Conversation
Second, invite a conversation with your significant other. Once you know where you stand on the role of pornography, you can then seek to understand your partners position. From this place you can discuss together if porn is something you would like to incorporate into your relationship or if it is something you definitely do not want to incorporate.
Knowing your boundaries helps with this, and can help guide your conversation with your partner. Remember your partner mayhave a different opinion than yours, so seek to ask and learn before making assumptions.
Remain Open
Keep in mind that your partner may or may not be open to having this conversation, so remain open to the possibility of your partner NOT wanting to talk about the topic. If your partner IS willing to sit down and discuss this topic with you, remain open to hearing what they have to say.
Remember this: talking about pornography in your relationship is better than the alternative of not talking about it. Many couples avoid the topic or make assumptions which can lead to misunderstanding, feelings of betrayal and hurt. If you avoid difficult topics in your relationship, you also avoid growing in your relationship.
For more tips on having conversations about pornography with your partner take a look at the following Articles:
“Food, glorious food!” wrote Lionel Bart, lyricist of this song from Oliver!, the British musical based on the Charles Dickens’ novel, Oliver Twist. Mr. Bart knew what he was talking about.
Think of your favorite comfort food, snack, or sweet treat. What kinds of feelings arise when you think of your favorite dish? Are there feelings of comfort or safety? Maybe feelings of satisfaction or nostalgia? There are many emotions that present themselves when we eat. There may even be feelings of shame or defeat that can manifest as we eat the last chip from a newly-opened family-sized bag that we finished in one sitting.
What does all this mean? It means our emotions play an important role as we eat—whether we like it or not. From emotions of guilt when we cheated on our diet (again) to that first satisfying and indulgent bite of our favorite pasta or donut, we can pay attention to our emotions to better understand how we feel, think, and believe about what we eat. With this understanding of ourselves, we can start being mindful of what our body needs without sacrificing the foods we love.
What we’re told about what to eat
We’ve all heard it before. Carbs are bad for you. Sugar is bad for you. Wheat is bad for you. Grains are bad for you. Meat is bad for you. Processed foods are bad for you. Eggs are bad for you. Dairy is bad for you. Non-organic foods are bad for you. Too much fruit is bad for you. Certain vegetables are bad for you.
If all these things are true, what’s left to eat? If we believed that all the above were true, then to stay healthy, we all need to start on a diet of eating plain kale…but not too much, of course. How does it make sense for all these things to be bad for our health?
We see in the media how different research studies on the same topic draw entirely different conclusions. One day eggs are bad for you and increase cardiac disease, and the next day, eggs aren’t so bad for you because they contain a different type of cholesterol that isn’t bad for you.
If the science on food is so contradictory, why do we constantly make decisions to change what we eat based off them?
The body knows
This may come as a surprise, but the body actually knows which foods it needs and how much it needs. Babies know how much milk they need to feel content and stop eating when their hunger is satisfied. So, what happens to us that we lose this ability to know what we need and when we’ve had enough? We start learning to go against our body’s intuition in being told to finish our plate, told to only eat certain foods, or being shamed by parents or caregivers.
When a child is told to finish all their food because there are starving children in other countries, the shame the child experiences from their caregiver can push the decision to eat past the full point and ignore the body’s indicator of being satisfied. For this person, eating may now be associated with shame. So how does someone who’s been taught to ignore their body’s natural signals of hunger and being full start to recognize these signals again?
Mindful eating
Remember the above example of eating a family-sized bag of chips in one sitting?
Think about your favorite snack that you usually power through. Think of where you are as you are wolfing down this favorite snack. Now, consider if you took a bite every 15 seconds or so. Imagine how much slower you would eat. Then, notice what the texture of your snack is like. Is it light and crisp as you take a bite? Is it soft and chewy? Notice the flavor. Is it salty? Is it sweet? Is it salty, then sweet? As you’re continuing to take slow bites, bring awareness of where you usually feel hunger in your stomach. Notice how hunger pangs fade and fullness starts to set in.
This is mindful eating. Many of us eat in front of our tv, computer, smartphone, or even while driving. We shovel food into our mouths while binge-watching, playing a game, or working. Our minds aren’t on what we’re eating. Our minds are on our screens. We’re practicing mindless eating. Mindful eating challenges us to stop multi-tasking and solely focus on what we’re eating while noticing the entire experience of enjoying a meal or snack. This can be challenging, but a way to start is to practice slowing down when we eat.
Enjoy!
The main purpose of mindful eating is to bring us back to paying attention to our body, knowing what we need or don’t need. When we start to practice paying attention to our bodies and our experience of eating, we may not feel the need to power through that family size bag chips. Rather, we can take a handful out of the bag and practice eating them mindfully one by one. Another purpose of mindful eating is to enjoy what we eat and the experience of eating. If we take time to pay attention to eating an apple with curiosity and wonder, imagine the world of flavor that awaits! Food is glorious and meant to be enjoyed for its taste and for our health. Imagine the world that awaits when we stop listening to other people about what to eat and start listening to our own bodies. Bon Appetit!
For more in-depth information about mindful eating and food and health, please refer to the below resources:
In the first part of this blog series, we discussed some common misconceptions about discipline. We learned that discipline is not about punishment, demanding respect or shaming, but rather about teaching.
In this blog, we will go over five strategies to implement when disciplining your children.
1. Catch your kids doing good.
(Canadian PaediatricSociety, 2004; Byrne Biancardi, 2014) We all respond well to positive reinforcement. In the workplace you would probably have a hard time wanting to learn from a supervisor who was always scolding you about what you’re doing wrong and never encouraged you in the ways you were doing your job well. With your children, pay attention not only when things are not going well, but when they are. Be specific with what you observe.
2. Model how you would like your children to behave.
The old saying “do as I say, not as I do” is never effective. Your kids are watching you and learning from you, perhaps more than you’d like!
3. Connect with your child.
This simply means to empathize with and validate your child’s experience (i.e., “I see that you are very upset/angry/frustrated right now”). Connection helps to move your child’s brain from a “reactive” emotion-driven state to a more receptive state in which they are ready to learn. It can also help to shift your brain from a reactive state to a state where you are able to teach. Connection has the longer-term impacts of deepening your relationship with your children as well as helping to develop the connections in their brains between the lower, more primitive and reactive, parts of the brain to the higher parts of the brain capable of self-regulation (Siegel and Payne, 2014).
4. Address the behavior together.
Once you have connected with your child, talk with them about the impact of his or her behavior and ask him or her what they would like to do to make it better. Involve them in the process of being accountable for their actions. For example, if your daughter had broken one of her brother’s toys, she might suggest giving one of her toys to him.
5. Remind your child of your love for them.
At the end of the day, it is important to reinforce for your child, “Even at your absolute worst, I am still with you and still love you.” Just like you would like to be thought of as more than just the sum totalof your good or bad actions, so would your child. We can inadvertently send the message to our children that they are only loveable when they are behaving well as opposed to being loveable just for who they are.
We hope this series has been helpful for you as you do the hard, but rewarding, task of parenting your children well.
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind (First edition.). New York: Bantam.
In this age of ever-growing uses of technology, many medical groups are adding telehealth into their practices. Doctors have started incorporating online visits, such as video appointments to help reach more patients. This can be especially useful for those who may be too ill to make it into the office, or too busy to set up an office visit for a simple cold. Medical doctors are not the only ones using technology in this way. Therapists are also making teletherapy available to those who need the convenience. Online therapy is still fairly new, and many people may not know just how it works.
What is Teletherapy?
Teletherapy is therapy that takes place using an online video platform, a telephone, or even text or email messages. Teletherapy is a practice that has become more popular as technology advances, creating easier access to mental health care. This can be a great resource, especially for those who live in more remote areas, but teletherapy may not be best suited for everyone.
Consider Confidentiality
While traditional therapy requires you to drive to a therapist’s office, teletherapy provides a convenience of being able to meet wherever you’d like. However, this can also create some issues regarding confidentiality. A therapist’s office is a confidential meeting space in which the client can know that no one is listening in on their sensitive conversations. For teletherapy services, the therapist ensures that she is in a confidential location, such as her own office, but it is up to the client to ensure his own confidentiality, since he is not in the therapist’s physical space.
Tips for creating a confidential space:
1. Designate a room to be alone in during the time of a session
2. Use headphones to limit voices carrying
3. Limit or restrict visitors during session times
Limitations of Teletherapy
While there are benefits to teletherapy, there are some limitations. Certain presenting concerns are better served by in-office settings due to the higher levels of emotional stress. Those situations include high levels of suicidal thoughts or domestic violence. A therapist can more easily provide crisis help in person than remotely.
Get to Know Your Therapist
This is a good practice for any kind of therapy a person might do, whether in an office setting or online. Many therapists have specialty areas or certain ages they work with. If you can, look at a therapist’s profile or a practice’s website to learn more about who they work with and their preferred therapy style.
FAQs
1. What do I do during a visit?
An online session should be treated just like an in-office visit. Though you may be in a more familiar setting, such as your bedroom or living room, therapy is still a place to examine yourself and process thoughts and events. During online sessions limit things that might distract you or divide your attention, such as browsing the internet or checking your phone.
2. Does my therapist have to be in my same state?
Yes. A therapist is licensed to practice in a specific state and therefore must only work with clients who reside in that same state.
3. Do all therapists offer teletherapy?
No. Some therapists prefer to use only traditional forms of in-office therapy.
How to Get Started
Fuller Life now offers online therapy services with our resident therapist, Elisa Squier. You can read more about her and her therapy practices here. She is currently accepting new clients. Contact her to ask any questions or set up your initial session.
Disciplining your kids is a necessary part of parenting. While it is essential, discipline can often be misunderstood. In this two-part series, we will look at some of common misconceptions and some helpful tips for effective discipline.
First, some common misconceptions…
Discipline is NOT about
1. Punishment
Punishment does not build skills. It often has the reverse effect of teaching children what to do to avoid getting caught next time. Punishment tends to erode relationships and does not make children want to learn from the person who is punishing them. (Siegel and Payne, 2014; Byrne Biancardi, 2014)
2.Demanding respect and obedience
Sure, you want your kids to respect you, as their parent. But, a good question to ask yourself is, “Am I acting in a manner that is worthy of respect?” meaning, “Am I responding calmly, being curious about my child’s experience or am I reacting out of anger or frustration by yelling, nagging or insulting” (Canadian Paediatric Society, 2004). Treating your children like they are worthy of respect is one sure way to teach them to treat others with respect.
3. Shaming
We all make mistakes. Giving your children the impression that they are “bad” because of their errors or poor choices is harmful and can have a long-lasting impact. While you may not approve of your children’s behavior in the moment, make it clear that you still love and value them.
If discipline is not any of the above, then what is it really about?
Discipline is first and foremost about teaching and guiding our children’s behavior (Siegel and Payne, 2014; Byrne Biancardi, 2014). Teaching about acceptable, appropriate and kind behavior may seem like a lot of time and effort at the outset. However, if discipline is done well, you will have to discipline less over time because skill-building helps children to become self-disciplined, with the ultimate goal of them developing into healthy, well adjusted, and considerate adults.
Next up, in Part 2 of this blog series, we will explore some useful tips to consider and implement when disciplining your children.
At Fuller Life, we are here to provide resources and assistance to support your journey in teaching and guiding your children.
Resources:
Canadian Paediatric Society. Effective Discipline for Children. Paediatr Child Health. 2004 Jan; 9(1): 37–41. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/
Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind (First edition.). New York: Bantam.
A woman’s identity changes when she becomes a mother. She starts to become known as so-and-so’s mom. People want to see the baby, not her. Priorities shift as she considers the needs of this helpless human, who demands her time and attention. When all is well, she is happy and eager to pour out love and affection. But what happens when that happiness wanes? When everything feels like a chore or a burden? When helplessness or resentment take over?
“Baby Blues” vs Postpartum Depression
There comes a time in a mother’s life, especially a new mother, when she feels overwhelmed. Housework is mounting, sleep is lacking, hormones are temperamental. The good news is that these feelings and stresses are normal. About 80 percent of all new mothers’ experience feelings of helplessness or anxiety. And yet these are experiences that are rarely talked about. These experiences can include thoughts and feelings that women feel ashamed of, but that are normal. When those negative feelings linger more than the first few weeks after giving birth, that may be a sign of something bigger. This is called postpartum depression.
Many women experience some depressive symptoms within the first week of giving birth: crying, low motivation, feeling sad, high stress levels, exhaustion. These “baby blues” as some call them, affect nearly 4 in 5 women, but usually disappear after the first few weeks. This is a natural reaction to the influx of hormones, physical strain of birth, and overall change of having a baby in the home. When those feelings persist for weeks on end, that is a sign of something more serious: postpartum depression.
Postpartum depression (PPD) is a condition that affects up to 1 in 5 women who have given birth. It includes all the same feelings as regular depression, but they last longer or may be intensified. These include feelings of helplessness or worthlessness and can even lead to thoughts of harming yourself or your child. PPD can be debilitating or lead to feelings of being incapable as a mother, but it doesn’t last forever.
Tips for Dealing with Postpartum Depression
Breastfeed
If you can, breastfeed. New research has shown that breastfeeding has a strong connection with postpartum depression. Women who breastfeed tend to have a decreased risk for developing or sustaining postpartum depression. Not all women are physically able to breastfeed for a variety of reasons, and if you can’t, there’s no need to feel bad about it. But if you can, breastfeeding provides great benefits for both the mother and child.
Prioritize Sleep
Obviously, this can be hard with a newborn baby, but sleep has profound effects on how you feel on a day-to-day basis. Try to sleep when the baby when sleeps as often as you can. Ask a friend or relative to come watch the baby while you sleep.
Seek help
Women who experience PPD are at a higher risk for experiencing other issues, such as suicidal thoughts and increased anxiety. If left untreated, these can have major consequences for you and your family. Talk to a health care professional or seek therapy. Seeking professional help can help alleviate these issues and lead to a much more satisfying life for you and your family.
Medication options
In some cases, medication can be a helpful option for women struggling with PPD. Talk to your doctor and be open about your symptoms. Be sure to learn about medication side effects before adding anything new, especially if you are breastfeeding or taking any other medication. Your doctor or pharmacist can help with any questions you may have.
Remember, you’re not alone and you don’t have to live with these feelings! You don’t have to carry any shame for feeling down or struggling. You can reach out for help and find a way through with patience, self-kindness and support.
Everyday we can look around and see signs, commercials, and
ads for the latest fad diets, extreme workouts, and weight-loss quick fixes. These
diets label some specific food as “the fat maker”. The workouts make big promises
but are too extreme to stick with long term. The weight-loss quick fix guarantees
“this pill will melt fat away.” What are these ads really saying? They say that
we need to change ourselves to achieve the “perfect body”. These messages look
helpful from the outside. Yet, the more probable picture is not helpful at all.
How much harm are these messages doing, and what does it mean for you?
What’s really being
said?
On the surface, this message implies that we need to take
better care of our physical health to look better and feel better, but
sometimes that’s not all we receive. Sometimes we hear that we’re not good
enough as we are. We start to believe that we need that slim physique to be
happy and feel as though we’re worth something. Sometimes, we even start to
believe that we are shameful for not matching that ideal body seen in the
media. The danger of shame is the lengths we take to achieve the perfect body
and what it really means about the way we view ourselves.
What messages are you
receiving: motivation or shame?
You may be wondering what’s wrong with wanting to better
yourself? On the outside, someone may have started eating healthier foods and
working out every day, but what motivations lie underneath this lifestyle
change? Someone taking steps towards making better eating choices for a
healthier life is different from someone cutting out food groups out of fear
and shame for being the size they are. Someone going for a walk or run more
often to feel better is different from taking on an extreme workout program out
of a desire to hurt and tear down the body to force it to change.
Shame is not only
mentally and emotionally exhausting, but also physically taxing when it
manifests into the way we treat ourselves daily. For some, behaviors fueled by
shame can become unhealthy habits or obsessions attempting to achieve or
maintain the social construct of the “perfect” body. For others, the feelings
of worthlessness and shame can be so strong that they immobilize them from even
attempting to take care of themselves.
The weight of shame
In most experiences of shame, we isolate ourselves from
those around us. We feel disconnected from the people in our lives and
disconnected from ourselves. The weight of shame can be heavy and fuel our own
form of self-abuse as we try to change ourselves. This self-abusing cycle of
shame can lead to a deterioration of our mental, emotional, and physical health.
What is a healthier
approach?
We can start to uncover an expose our shame by becoming
aware of it. Taking a moment of pause and being curious about what is driving
us to change ourselves is a first step in becoming more aware. We notice our
motivations and what our inner voices are telling us about the changes we feel
we need to make to our bodies. When we become more aware, we give more power to
ourselves. In our awareness, we can start to show ourselves kindness and
compassion through the things we tell ourselves and combat the heaviness of
shame.
Beauty in diversity
If we all looked the same, the world would be a boring
place. We are all beautiful in our own way and change in various and unique
ways throughout our lives. Our differences make the world a more interesting
and beautiful place, so why are we fighting so hard to look the same? We are
all deserving of loving ourselves as we are. We are also deserving of wanting
to do better for ourselves, but where does your motivation come from? Is our
motivation a desire to be and feel healthier? Or is our need to change based on
fear and shame for being the way we are? Knowing what drives us gives us new
opportunities to show ourselves kindness.
Resources
Are you struggling with the weight of shame? Our therapists at Fuller Life Family Therapy provide a kind and compassionate space to help people work through shame, self-esteem, and a variety of other challenges. Call us today at (855) 245-5433 to schedule an appointment.
