Sleep. We all know we need it, but it be one of the first things to go during busier or more stressful times. Times when we need a good night’s rest all the more!
Why is sleep important?
Good sleep is important for a number of reasons, a couple of which are…
It helps our brains work
Sleep helps us to learn and remember information, be creative, make decisions and modulate our emotions.
It keeps us physically healthy
Sleep is associated with prevention of heart disease, kidney disease, high blood pressure, diabetes, and stroke.
Given that sleep is so important, how do we make sure we are getting the amount we need?
Realistically, we cannot expect to work a hectic day, come home, watch TV or spend time on our phones, plop into bed and then magically drift off into dreamland. While that may work for some, it does not work for most. According to Shannon McClain, in an interview with Jennifer Christian on Self-Compassion Houston, getting a good night’s rest starts with some intentional preparation hours before bedtime.
Tips to a good night’s rest
1. Simulate dusk with de-illumination
We are used to having bright lights on long after the sun has gone down. We can begin to simulate dusk and get our bodies ready for sleep by closing the curtains, dimming the lights and putting screens and phones away at least an hour before bed time.
2. Begin a nighttime ritual
Having a consistent nighttime ritual can be helpful for preparing for sleep. For example, taking a bath, going through a spiritual practice, journaling or taking time to reflect on the day.
3. Remember that waking up at night is okay
We can wake up at night for many reasons – to go to the bathroom, hearing loud noises, having stressful thoughts, etc. Wakefulness in the night does not always mean insomnia and does not need
to be a cause for alarm. We can remind ourselves that it is okay to wake up in the middle of the night. If we find our mind running with many thoughts, keeping a bedside journal to write down some of those thoughts can be helpful.
4. Prepare your environment
Ensuring the environment you sleep in is cool, dark, quiet and clean (tidy, clean bedding) are also essentials for preparing for sleep.
While it may be challenging to teach ourselves to slow down and prioritize something as seemingly unproductive as sleep, it is essential for a good night’s rest and a happier, healthier life as a result!
For more information on how to prepare for sleep, check out Jennifer Christian Counseling’s podcast
Additionally, this video by Matthew Walker emphasizes the importance of sleep and the negative impacts of sleep deprivation
If you find yourself guilty of engaging in harmful self-talk, do not fret, you are not alone. Many of us are guilty of using shaming or denigrating language to speak to ourselves on a daily basis. Our intimate thoughts can sometimes be a scary place, especially when they are riddled with negativity and self-hate. How often do we take time to notice the way we “talk dirty” to ourselves?
Better yet, how often do we take the time to reframe those negative thoughts into more compassionate musings? If you are like many individuals, it is likely that you have not taken the time to notice your negative self-talk, much less considered speaking more kindly to yourself. Here is a three-step process for identifying and reshaping damaging self-talk.
First Step: Notice our Dirty Talk
Where does our dirty talk come from? For most, it comes from a combination of experiences and interactions we have with others- parents, teachers, classmates or coworkers. Regardless of where your negative self-talk comes from, it is important to identify it and recognize how it infiltrates your day-to-day routine. Here are a few examples of distorted self-talk:
– I am not good at my job
– I’ll never be good at anything
– I am not smart enough
– If only I was thinner
– I’m so stupid
Second Step: Swap Your Dirty Talk
If you are able to identify your negative self-talk, then you are taking a step towards changing the way that you experience your world and the people in it. While identifying dirty talk is important, if what you want is to live a more growth promoting life then it is important make steps towards changing those self-damaging thoughts. One way to do this is by writing down your internal negative thoughts and reversing them. For example:
– I am not good at my job vs I work hard at my job
– I’ll never be good at anything vs I am good at several things
– I am not smart enough vs I work hard to learn new things
Third Step: Challenge Your Dirty Talk
The last step and possibly the most challenging, is to provide yourself with reasons why the reversed thought is true. Distorted self-talk is just that, distorted. Which means that the things you tell yourself are most likely untrue and there is evidence in your own experiences to prove this. For example:
– I am good at my job because I work hard to complete my tasks
– I am good at many things like reading, and helping around the house
– I am smart because I take time to learn new things
– I am not stupid because I am able to accomplish many tasks thought my day
Reframing your dirty talk may be a very challenging thing to do, especially when you are unaware that you are doing it to yourself. However, you can rise to the challenge. If you want to positively change the way you perceive yourself and your experiences, you can. Retraining yourself will take a conscious effort, but the outcome will be very rewarding. Change your negative self-talk step-by-step and leave the dirty talk for the bedroom.
The beginning of a relationship is filled with excitement and possibility. Getting to know a new person and allowing them to get to know you is thrilling and daunting at the same time. Passion, excitement and curiosity swirl at this stage. However, this period is unlikely to last very long. Slowly, as the relationship progresses, familiarity, routine and a sense of security begins to set in. Intimacy, often defined as knowing the other and being known, begins to grow.
Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, suggests that what makes for good intimacy does not always make for good sex. Good intimacy often involves the feeling of being emotionally “close”, such as with deep conversations, growing familiarity, and self-disclosure. Emotional closeness and physical intimacy do not always directly correlate and may have a more complex relationship.
According to Perel, in order for connection to happen, there needs to be an implied separateness. We cannot move closer together if we are already wrapped up in one another. Eroticism is movement toward the other, but we often seek to eliminate otherness in our close relationships by focusing solely on how we are similar and involving each other in every aspect of our lives.
In other words, being separate is a requirement for actually being close. We are usually uncomfortable with this separateness and experience anxiety and insecurity. But this very discomfort is a what helps to maintain our interest and sexual desire. Fire needs air. Desire needs mystery.
So, how do you keep desire alive?
Develop and cultivate your own “secret garden”. Perel suggests that rather than considering separateness as pulling away from the other, consider it to be the development of personal intimacy. Get to know yourself, your unique interests, hobbies, talents and dreams and go after them!
Recognize and allow for the ways your partner remains mysterious to you. Instead of, at the end of the day, pressing for every detail that filled the preceding hours when you were apart, allow for the “space between” the two of you to exist. Additionally, appreciate the ways your partner, though he or she may be similar to you in some ways, thinks and acts and sees the world differently than you do.
Maintaining love and desire in committed relationships involves finding the balance between surrendering to the “other” and maintaining autonomy and a sense of self. This is both a challenging and exciting journey!
Perel, Esther. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
HULK SMASH! Is this the way you think about anger? Is it a destructive, chaotic force that wreaks havoc in your life? Many times, anger can feel that way, whether you are the giver or recipient of angry reactions and behaviors. As we discussed in the previous article, Covered in Red: How the Brain Uses Anger to Hide Your Pain, anger can be a defensive response to many more vulnerable emotions. In your anger’s effort to hide your soft spots, you might find yourself being hurtful to others around you or even yourself. But the word “anger” doesn’t always need to put you on the defense. There are healthier expressions of this emotion that can give you positive results.
Burn for a Cause
Have you ever heard the expression, righteous anger? This is the kind that people reference that generates healthy and positive action. Think of the Civil Rights Movement or the self-explanatory group, M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). In both of these circumstances, outrage and disapproval over some injustice or harmful aspect of society sparked actions which led to positive change. Psychology professor, Lisa Najavits, labels this type of anger constructive anger. She describes constructive anger as the healing type that is solution-oriented, is in proportion to the offense, invites curious self-examination and seeks respect for everyone involved. You can use the discomfort and energy of your fury as motivation to actively create harmony and balance. This kind of anger can prompt you do things like set up healthy boundaries, break bad habits, protect yourself physically or take a stand for someone who is defenseless which can make the world, or even just your world, a better place.
Taming the Fire
So how do you invite constructive anger into your life instead of the destructive kind?
Identify your anger and the reasons behind it. Think of your vexation as an indicator that a disruption has occurred in something you value deeply. This is the time to explore the passion behind your fire. For example, you notice a co-worker with a disability lacks proper accessibility at the office. Instead of stewing in your anger or setting the building ablaze, you could recognize that you value equality in the workplace and let that inform your actions.
Refocus. Shift your focus away from your emotions towards the value you have just identified. Ask yourself solution-oriented questions about what needs to take place for that value to be met in a healthy way. For instance, you could start a workplace initiative to ensure accessibility for all disabled employees.
Once you devise a personal plan or organize your movement, move forward. Use the anger to fuel your actions but not to lead them. Let what you value direct your steps instead.
Women love to think and, sometimes, overthink. In the 1990’s and early 2000’s, Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Yale-educated expert psychologist studied mood, depression and gender differences. Her extensive and pioneering research on rumination helped explain why women are twice as likely to have depression than men and also demonstrated how widespread overthinking can be.
“When there is any pause in our daily activities,” says Nolen-Hoeksema in 2013, “many of us are flooded with worries, thoughts and emotions that swirl out of control, sucking our emotions and energy down, down, down. We are suffering from an epidemic of overthinking.”
In her book, Women Who Think Too Much, she defines overthinking and shares helpful tips to slow our minds down and stop the trap of overthinking.
Kneading Our Thoughts
Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema explains overthinking is paying attention to the thoughts created by our mood, mulling them over, taking them very seriously, and letting them influence our decisions. It looks like going over your thoughts and then examining them repetitively. She says overthinking is similar to kneading our thoughts like dough. Overthinking is pervasive and self-focused and often not helpful. Researchers interviewed students about their results after overthinking. They discovered the students were less insightful and usually wrong about their assumptions. In fact, they had a kind of tunnel vision that only allowed them to focus on the negative. Overthinking is not your friend.
The Yeast Effect
Not only does getting caught kneading our thoughts lead us to have a negative focus; but, this overthinking comes with a yeast effect. In the same manner dough doubles in size when kneaded, our negative thoughts will grow when we work them over too. These oversized thoughts lead to less insight and consequently more negative decisions. Choices that can ruin your life, impair your well-being and ability to function in the world. Research shows ruminative-type thinking leads to a dip in our performance and our ability to concentrate, pay attention, and shift to account for the positive. Overthinking also affects our ability to problem solve well; and, when we do problem solve, we have difficulty adequately putting the solution in place.
Stopping the Cycle
Break the grip of your thoughts by giving your mind a planned rest. Intentionally distract yourself with a positive activity like a mindful hobby, physical activity, good book, massage, or movie. Be your own “thought police”, firmly telling yourself to stop in the moment, and then schedule a specific time to think things over. Another solution is asking a friend or spouse to help and talking about what you are overthinking.
Climb up out of the muck onto higher ground. Take time to change your focus away from overthinking to a healthier view of a situation. Don’t get stuck in comparisons or be ruled by negative emotions. Accept the pain then brainstorm possible solutions. Consider other simple reasons for your distress at first, like lack of sleep or hunger. Connect with higher values to evaluate all possible solutions. Next, take some small action to begin overcoming your problem. In the process, try to forgive those who have wronged you to let go of overthinking their offense. When implementing solutions, listen out for when your overthinking is the result of others telling you how you ought to be feeling, thinking or behaving.
Avoid falling into the trap again. She says, “don’t go there.” Choose not to put yourself in situations that involve overthinking. Sometimes, this looks like physically avoiding a situation or letting go of unrealistic and unhealthy goals for yourself. However, if the trap feels unavoidable, create a new picture of yourself inside those situations by replacing negative images with positive ones. For an example, seeing yourself as someone who is competent to learn new skills or trying to find a satisfying story to understand your troubles. Finally, broaden your base for multiple sources of support. Becoming a volunteer at a cause you value or finding new friends in other stages of life can provide a different perspective on life.
“Over the past four decades women have experienced unprecedented growth in independence and opportunities,” Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema wrote, “We have many reasons to be happy and confident.”
Fuller Life is here to help you restore yourself to joy and calm.
References
Carey, B. (2013, January 13).Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Psychologist Who Studied Depression in Women, Dies at 53. The New York Times. Retrieved November 12, 2017, from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/14/us/susan-nolen-hoeksema-psychologist-who-studied-depression-in-women-dies-at-53.html?_r=0
Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000). The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109(3), 504-511.http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.109.3.504
Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2012). Women who think too much: how to break free of over-thinking and reclaim your life. London: Piatkus.
Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on psychological science, 3(5), 400-424.
Lyubomirsky, S., & Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (1995). Effects of self-focused rumination on negative thinking and interpersonal problem solving. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,69(1), 176-190.doi. 10.1037//0022-3514.69.1.176
Thats it! You have had enough. Someone around you has done the very thing you hate. Almost immediately, you see red. Or maybe the anger slowly brews and builds rage over a long period of time.
What is really happening underneath the anger? Some mental health professionals refer to anger as a secondary emotion. According to Dr. Harry Mills, anger is the emotion we are most aware we are experiencing. However, anger usually just hides the presence of deeper and less comfortable emotions like sadness, guilt, embarrassment, hurt, fear, etc.
The Anger Umbrella
If umbrellas are protective devices that we use to shield ourselves from exposure to the elements, then we can see anger in a similar way. Anger can seem like an exhibition of power, potentially making a threatening presence back away. It can be loud, volatile and tense. Clinical and forensic psychologist, Dr. Steven Diamond explains that this can be very useful in the face of a true threat. Suppose an attacker lunges at you and you have nowhere to go. Anger would propel you into defense mode much more than fear, possibly saving your life.
But what anger can also do is shield others and sometimes ourselves from seeing the pain, embarrassment or other more vulnerable emotions that exist underneath. If your friend or spouses actions have triggered hurt for you and you believe feeling hurt may show weakness, being mad is likely to step in to try to ensure that no one takes advantage.
Anger and the brain
Interestingly, the brain moves us very quickly from these primary emotions to anger. It can happen so fast that we hardly even notice the switch unless we are aware enough to do some reflective backtracking. Dr. Seltzer describes how the brain releases the hormone, norepinephrine, into the bloodstream to numb mental or physical pain during an mad response. Basically, the brain uses anger to hide pain.
The Truth Shall Make You Free
Why is it important to expose the truth behind your anger? Because dealing with the root issue is much more effective than simply managing the anger symptoms. Oftentimes, in sessions with clients, I find that anger dissolves once the actual emotions behind them are identified. I can visibly see anger give way to the revelation of sadness or embarrassment. Once the client is honest about his thoughts and feelings, he is better able to process and heal from the root issue. The next time you recognize yourself responding in anger, try working through the following steps:
What thoughts are connected to the anger? Suppose you are angry with your partner about not spending time with you. You may be thinking, He doesnt want to spend time with me which may lead to the thought, He doesnt think Im worth spending time with.
What other feelings come up? When you identify the thoughts connected with the anger, you can then work through the deeper emotions connected to the thoughts. Take a moment to sit with the thought. Maybe you can journal about it. For instance, if you say to yourself, My partner doesn’t think that Im worth spending time with. This may uncover feelings of sadness, hurt or low self-worth from beneath the irritation.
What do I do with what I have? Now that the thoughts and emotions within the anger have been identified, it is time to work through them and decide how you can respond in a way you value. Having new information about how you are thinking and feeling might give rise to new issues that need to be addressed. In the example above, you realize your belief is your partner does not think you are worth spending time with and this is connected to feelings of hurt and low self-worth. This enables you to talk with your partner from a more self-aware position and potentially improves understanding. You could also talk to yourself about your beliefs. Take time to consider how you determine your self-worth and if it is healthy.
Living Life Uncovered
You might notice that developing a habit of hiding painful emotions leads to habitual rage. Such a lifestyle of anger destroys relationships and creates bitterness. Have the courage to allow yourself to own the truth of your experience. Otherwise, holding onto hostility can keep you stuck.
There is a time and a place for anger to be expressed in healthy ways. Stay tuned for the follow-up to this blog to find out what healthy anger looks like.
It can be difficult for any parent to learn to let their adult children go off into the world to succeed, and inevitably, fail on their own. The desire to protect is a strong one and may be especially true of parents of children with special needs. These parents may wonder what adult life could possibly look like for their children and whether their children could receive the same level of care and support from the world that they have at home.
The transition to adulthood is a long and ongoing process that begins in infancy and continues long past your child’s 18thbirthday as your child gradually becomes more independent.
Self-determination, which is about making choices and decisions that affect one’s own life, is an important aspect of fostering independence (PBS, Mitchell, 2012). In fact, choice-making is viewed in Western society as part of transition to adulthood (Mitchell, 2012).
Encouraging self-determination and choice-making does not mean allowing your child to make every single decision that impacts his or her life. But, it does mean gradually relinquishing parental control in order to allow your children to develop the skills and self-confidence necessary to manage doing some things on their own.
In wanting to protect their children and keep them from harm, some parents of older children may even make decisions for their children without them being aware of the decision in the first place (Mitchell, 2012). There is a fine line between being a protective, concerned parent and becoming overprotective. Nevertheless, overprotective parenting, even with the best of intentions, can have a negative impact on your child’s self-esteem and perception of their capabilities (Sanders, 2006).
It is helpful to consider family choice-making along a continuum (adapted from Mitchell, 2012)…
1. Exclusionary –
Here the aim is to protect the child. This results in the child not being involved in the choice.
2. Informative –
The aim is to help he child understand and participate in choice-making, but parents make the final decision.
3. Collaborative
Parents support and empower the child’s choice-making
4. Delegatory
The choice is completely handed over to the child.
Families may adopt differing choice-making styles depending on the decision at hand and the level of risk involved. For example, the choice of which school to attend may more easily fall into the informative andcollaborative,or evendelegatory, categories. However, the decision to undergo a life-changing surgery is more likely to fall into the exclusionary or informative categories.
Here are a few questions to consider as you think of ways to support the growing independence of your child (adapted from PBS.org) ….
What are our familys ideas about becoming a successful adult?
How does our family make decisions? Do children have a say?
How might my child participate in decision making? In what ways does our family support choice making for our children?
It is every parents’ desire to see their children living to their full potential. Encouraging wise and appropriate choice-making is one way to watch your children grow and flourish as adults.
Sanders KY. Overprotection and lowered expectations of persons with disabilities: the unforeseen consequences. Work, 2006;27(2):181-8
Mitchell, 2012.Parents’ accounts: Factors considered when deciding how far to involve their son/daughter with learning disabilities in choice-making. Children and Youth Services Review, 34: 1560-1569.
In the movie, Thirteen, Tracy Freeland is a seventh grade honor student with a troubling home life. As a girl who formerly channeled her frustrations from home into her studies, her life derails when she meets popular student Evie who introduces her to sex, drugs and thievery. When Tracy’s mother, Melanie, tries to set limits, her daughter acts out more. Melanie backs down again and again guilty over her own preoccupation with relational and financial problems. In the end, Melanie and Tracy have a brutal argument leading to a full picture of a daughter’s distress and her mother’s love.
While some critics disagree, others have said the film highlights the dynamics of adolescent Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD). With one psychiatrist stating, “it should have been titled How To Turn Your Teenager into a Borderline Without Even Being Abusive”. Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder surface in adolescence; but, it can be hard for parents to distinguish from typical teenage acting out.How can you know for sure?
What is Borderline Personality Disorder?
To start, many are skeptical of diagnoses like Borderline Personality disorder (BPD). Psychiatric diagnoses come and go. Dr. Blaise Aguirre, expert psychiatrist and extensive author on the subject of BPD, explains this is largely due to the absence of accurate tools and procedures. While technology has improved greatly, the majority of diagnoses are based on observations and descriptions of behavior alone. Consequently, a behavior such as impulsivity could be a sign used to diagnose ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, or Borderline Personality disorder. For this reason, Aguirre adds that Borderline personality disorder is a mysteriously complex disorder because its own behaviors overlap the behaviors of typical adolescents, along with those characteristic of mood disorders, attention deficit disorders, and even post traumatic stress disorder. He says it is like all of those but incredibly distinct at the same time. It has obvious characteristics.
Dr. Marsha Linehan, developer of one of the most effective treatments for Borderline Personality Disorder, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), describes the disorder as “a poorly understood condition characterized by neediness, outbursts and self-destructive urges, often leading to cutting or burning.” In order to be diagnosed, a person must meet five of the nine criteria, including abandonment fears, unstable personal relationships, unstable identity, impulsive behaviors with drugs and sex, suicidal/self-harm behavior, affective or emotional instability, chronic feelings of boredom or emptiness, and dissociative feelings. It is a relational disorder marked by high emotional sensitivity, high emotional reactivity, and a slow return to baseline.
Given those criteria, Aguirre says, it’s not hard to see why normal teenage development can look like emerging adult BPD. Most adolescents have difficulty controlling their emotions, thoughts and behavior. They can be impulsive. Additionally, they have problems in their relationships and confusion over their identities. If my teen has suicidal thoughts or intense anger one day, does that mean she’s got a personality disorder? Not necessarily.
What’s the Difference?
“A lot of people said you know it’s just kind of normal teenage acting out and it wasn’t..and it didn’t feel normal to me” says one mom of child who meets the criteria for BPD.
Many parents feel the behaviors of their teen don’t feel normal but the actions may look typical of teen development. Dr. Aguirre tells parents to imagine two girls are sitting at a cafeteria in high school. Both have had screaming matches with their parents. They have each made risky choices experimenting with sex , drugs and self-harm. Both can be moody. Both are passionate and caring people. One has Borderline Personality Disorder and the other does not. The difference, he says, is in the function of the behavior.
“Adolescents with borderline personality disorder often use self-harm, illegal substances, and rage to cope with profound misery, intense emotions, emptiness, self-loathing, and abandonment fears,” explains Aguirre. After interviewing teens who cut, he found that some did so because they saw copied others. These teens were confused over why others cut and they stopped because it was painful. Other teens, he found, felt more alive after cutting. They felt calmer, less numb, and said the cutting gave them little or no pain. It is very troubling for a parent of a teen who finds a reduction in pain through self-harm because it will likely be repeated. Aguirre explains that repeating this behavior hard-wires it into the brain as a way to problem solve and cope.
Repetitive self-harm behaviors and suicidality are not typical adolescent behaviors. In the same way, alcohol abuse and impulsive sexual activities to ease emotional pain is atypical to adolescence and require a response.
What can parents do?
Don’t diagnose your child. If concerned about your child’s actions, find a qualified mental health professional. They can distinguish between normal adolescent behavior from other disorders. It is not uncommon for clinicians to be uncomfortable making the diagnosis or reluctant to work with teens who have been diagnosed. One parent sought the help of many mental health professionals but no one mentioned BPD. Another parent was refused care because the case was too difficult for the therapist. She wondered where to find help if the very people trained to treat mental health cases refused her. Dr. Aguirre recommends asking if the clinician has training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy, post-traumatic stress disorder, or has worked with self-harming or suicidal teens. He also recommends writing a list of concerns you have for your child, including specific behaviors, medications with dosages, hospitalizations and past therapies.
Learn about validation. Validation is helpful for teens with or without BPD. Dr. Linehan explains that validation requires empathy and communicates that another’s response makes sense. In contrast, self-validation acknowledges your own experiences are real and acceptable to you. It frees you up to validate others. Again, to validate another is to accept his or her experience as true and able to be understood. However, validating others does not mean you agree, support his or her actions, or feel the same way. Dr. Aguirre adds, it simply means that you accept that your child has a point of view that might be different from yours and it is real.
Practice balance. Dr. Blaise lists three parental balancing strategies that work for teens with or without BPD. First, seek to find the balance between being too lenient and taking restrictive control. Then, try to find a fair line between minimaizing a problem behavior versus overreacting to to it. Since teenage years are all about learning to be an adult, Aguirre ends by telling parents to try to find the balance between forcing autonomy and fostering dependence
Practice Self-Care. Regular eating, sleeping, and exercise help parents handle the ups and downs of their teens from a place of fullness. Self-care is also finding support. This can be a challenge because many families may notice what happens in their home isn’t taking place in other homes. As a result, they isolate themselves. Many families found that even extended family members had difficulty understanding. However, even if support doesn’t come from those nearest you, don’t continue alone. Try finding a therapist for yourself, an online forum, or a group like Family Connections. Family Connections is a free group program designed by families for families of those with symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Brainstorm the Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain Drawing on important new research in the field of interpersonal neurobiology, Siegel explores exciting ways in which understanding how the brain functions can improve vital skills teens learn, such as how to leave home and enter the larger world, connect deeply with others, and safely experiment and take risks.
National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder works with families and persons in recovery, raises public awareness, provides education to professionals, promotes research, and works with Congress to enhance the quality of life for those affected by this serious but treatable mental illness.
National Institute of Mental Health is the foremost federal agency for research on mental disorders. NIMH is part of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the largest biomedical research agency in the world. NIH is also part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS).
Online Support for Family Members
Welcome to Oz
BPD Central’s forum service “Welcome to Oz” has endless options for a customizable experience. Whether you are a parent, grandparent, or sibling to somebody with BPD or just a close friend/romantic partner; you will find the right avenue to put you in contact with others in similar positions. Because they have grown to more than 20,000 members, they offer 15 diverse and active groups.
Lines from the Border
Randi Krieger has created a safe haven for those affected closely by somebody who has or may have borderline personality disorder. With stockpiles of information, it is no wonder bpdcentral.com is at the forefront when it comes to highly regarded borderline websites. With the ability to locate therapists through the website as well as a BPD answer line where you can schedule a confidential telephone call, bpdcentral.com is a fantastic resource.
Steps to Validation
References
Aguirre, B. A. (2014). Borderline personality disorder in adolescents: what to do when your teen has BPD: a complete guide for families. Beverly, MA: Fair Winds.
Relational DBT Validation. (2014, December 15). Sunrise Residential Treatment Center Retrieved October 24, 2017, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HANLHwZ47Hc
Teen Moodiness, or Borderline Personality Disorder? (2010, February 25). New York Times. Retrieved July 21, 2017, from https://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/25/borderline-personality-disorder-in-teenagers/
Consider two different scenarios. First, imagine yourself on a career trajectory that is suddenly cut short. You now take a new job for which you feel unqualified. You are consumed with defeat, insecurity and anxiety. Worried that you will appear incompetent, you avoid any challenges.
Now, imagine that you are about to give a presentation on a topic that is meaningful to you. You feel jittery and nervous, but excited to share your insights with the audience. You stand tall and speak from your heart, connecting with the group in an impactful way.
What comes to mind as you think of the two very different scenarios?
Powerlessness vs. Personal Power
We have all experienced situations in life in which we have felt powerless, discouraged and defeated. Similarly, we have experienced situations in which we have felt powerful, confident and ambitious.
In her research on presence and power, Amy Cuddy (2015) shows that power activates the psychological and behavioral approach system, which means that we feel free, in control and unthreatened. On the other hand, powerlessness activates the inhibition system, making us more anxious, pessimistic and conforming to social pressures.
While the word “power” might conjure up thoughts about dictators and oppressors, Cuddy (2015) suggests that personal power is very different than social power. Social power is the ability to exert dominance and influence the behavior of others. Personal power, on the other hand, is freedom from the dominance of others. It means accessing and controlling our limitless inner resources.
The consequences for powerlessness are significant. Cuddy believes that powerlessness is as likely to corrupt as power is. And unless we feel personally powerful, we cannot be truly present with those around us.
Here are some ways powerlessness negatively impacts us (adapted from Presence by Amy Cuddy)…
1. Powerlessness impairs thought
Powerlessness and the anxiety that results undermine executive functioning (I.e. higher order cognitive abilities such as reasoning, attention control, task flexibility) which is critical to coping well in challenging situations.
2. Powerlessness makes us self absorbed
Social anxiety interferes with ability to see the world through others’ eyes. This is bidirectional. The more self focused we are, the more anxious, depressed and powerless we are likely to feel.
3. Powerlessness prevents presence
The more anxious and self focused we are, the more likely we are to ruminate on social interactions in an unhelpful manner and this directly inhibits being present in those interactions.
Personal power serves as a buffer against negative emotions, making us feel less pain in difficult times and less hurt by negative interactions.
2. Personal power connects us
It frees us to be more open and vulnerable with others.
3. Personal power liberates our thinking
We are more creative, less self conscious about expressing feelings and beliefs when we feel powerful.
4. Personal power synchronizes us
Feeling powerful has a way of harmonizing our thoughts, feelings and behaviors such that we appear more authentic in our presence.
5. Personal power incites action and leads to more effective action
When we believe we are able to perform the task at hand, even in a high-stakes situation, we are more likely to perform it.
Cuddy also suggests that the way we build personal power is gradually, one step at a time. It comes as we pay more attention to our body language, embodying postures of power (upright, expansive), deep breathing, smiling. Personal power also comes as we make everyday decisions. Often we need to act first and the feelings of confidence and competence will follow. When we notice ourselves doing something with courage or competence, we can then recall this the next time something challenging comes our way, making it easier to perform in future situations. As this goes on, we are able to harness our internal resources in order to meet challenges.
At Fuller Life, we hope you will bold and brave as you ride the waves of life!
Reference
Cuddy, A. (2015). Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges.
***Although the information provided in the therapy blog is written by mental health professionals, it DOES NOT substitute or qualify as professional counseling or therapy. This information is offered as a source of help and information regarding common concerns related to mental, emotional, relational and spiritual health. Please note the information provided here is for information purposes only and is NOT professional counseling.
Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate
