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Archive for Empathy

5 Discipline Strategies Your Kids Want You to Know – Disciplining Your Kids Well, Part 2

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 August 15, 2019
  · No Comments
In the first part of this blog series, we discussed some common misconceptions about discipline. We learned that discipline is not about punishment, demanding respect or shaming, but rather about teaching. In this blog, we will go over five strategies to implement when disciplining your children.

1. Catch your kids doing good.

(Canadian PaediatricSociety, 2004; Byrne Biancardi, 2014) We all respond well to positive reinforcement. In the workplace you would  probably have a hard time wanting to learn from a supervisor who was always  scolding you about what you’re doing wrong and never encouraged you in the ways you were doing your job well. With your children, pay attention not only when things are not going well, but when they are. Be specific with what you observe.    

2. Model how you would like your children to behave.

The old saying “do as I say, not as I do” is never effective. Your kids are watching you and learning from you, perhaps more than you’d like!    

3. Connect with your child.

This simply means to empathize with and validate your child’s experience (i.e., “I see that you are very upset/angry/frustrated right now”).  Connection helps to move your child’s brain from a “reactive” emotion-driven state to a more receptive state in which they are ready to learn. It can also help to shift your brain from a reactive state to a state where you are able to teach. Connection has the longer-term impacts of deepening your relationship with your children as well as helping to develop the connections in their brains between the lower, more primitive and reactive, parts of the brain to the higher parts of the brain capable of self-regulation (Siegel and Payne, 2014).    

4. Address the behavior together.

Once you have connected with your child, talk with them about the impact of his or her behavior and ask him or her what they would like to do to make it better. Involve them in the process of being accountable for their actions. For example, if your daughter had broken one of her brother’s toys, she might suggest giving one of her toys to him.    

5. Remind your child of your love for them. 

At the end of the day, it is important to reinforce for your child, “Even at your absolute worst, I am still with you and still love you.” Just like you would like to be thought of as more than just the sum totalof your good or bad actions, so would your child. We can inadvertently send the message to our children that they are only loveable when they are behaving well as opposed to being loveable just for who they are. We hope this series has been helpful for you as you do the hard, but rewarding, task of parenting your children well.    

Resources:

Canadian Paediatric Society. Effective Discipline for Children. Paediatr Child Health. 2004 Jan; 9(1): 37–41. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/ 

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind (First edition.). New York: Bantam.

Byrne-Biancardi, S. (2014). 6 Secrets of Highly Effective Discipline From a Seasoned Teacher. https://afineparent.com/be-positive/effective-discipline.html   Contributed by Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate
Tamara Tatum, Resident Therapist
Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S
Categories : Communication, Empathy, Family Therapy, Parenting, Parenting, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : discipline, parenting

Why People Who are Different than You can Make a Difference in Your Life

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 May 16, 2017
  · No Comments

People are naturally discriminating. Our brains are constantly scanning  the environment looking for out potential threats. A threat can be something known to us – something that has caused us harm in the past – or unknown, something new and unfamiliar. It can be easy to give in to this natural response and remain within our comfortable, safe, social bubbles. In fact, there is evidence that social diversity can lead to lack of trust, lower communication, greater perceived conflict, more concern about disrespect.

Why would we go through the work of overriding our brain’s natural response to unfamiliar (and potentially threatening) stimuli? Why would we engage in interactions with people who are different than us?

First, we know that personal growth does not happen when we remain in our comfort zone.

Second, there is evidence that diversity makes us smarter. Being in a diverse environment enhances creativity, encourages search for novel information and perspectives, and leads to better decision making and problem solving. Research has even shown that increasing gender and racial diversity in the workplace has improved financial performance for banks.

If you are ready to take the risk and build relationships with someone who might look, think or act differently than you, here are some tips (adapted from the Community Tool Box):

1. Become aware of your own culture and biases.

To become aware of your own culture, think about your multiple identities (religion, nationality, race, sexual identity, ethnicity, occupation, marital status, age, ability, geographic region).  Then consider how these identites affect how you live and perceive the world? We all carry biases and misinformation about groups of people that can come from various sources (i.e., the media, our families, etc.).

2. Risk making mistakes

If we’re going to step out and do something new, we have a guarantee that we will make mistakes. What can make a world of difference is to recognize this ahead of time. We can also be willing to make amends when miscommunication or unintended offenses come up.

3. Be willing to learn

There are many ways that we can learn about others.  Here are a few ideas:

  •  Read about or research a different culture.
  • Attend a local event.
  • Simply ask questions about another’s culture, identities, views, etc.

4. Demonstrate you care by truly listening and becoming an ally

Everyone, including you, has a story to tell. Hearing someone share his or her experiences can help us connect, despite differences, on a human level.

Becoming an ally means being willing to stick your neck out for someone else and speaking out against, or acting to stop, discrimination.

If you step outside of your social comfort zone, you may risk conflict, mistakes, and misunderstandings.  However,  you may also gain personal growth, creativity, better problem solving skills and new relationships!

For Further Reading:

  • Building Relationships with people of a different culture
  • How diversity makes us smarter
  • 7 Mistakes You Make in Your Discomfort Zone that Limit Your Growth and How to Stop Making Them

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Communication, Empathy, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Sticky
Tags : culture, difference, diversity, growth, relationships

Perfectionville: Population Zero

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 March 18, 2014

                

Perfection

It starts as early as we can remember.  We make a mistake, we are corrected, and we strive to never make that mistake again.  In that moment, a fictional destination is created: Perfection.  As we grow and learn, we begin to subscribe to countless myths that suggest we must live perfectly.  These myths often go unchallenged, and even unrealized.  What if we were to take a moment to truly consider the longstanding implications of perfectionism?  Were it even possible to attain perfection, what would we truly accomplish?  What is the goal of reaching a perfect state?

Perfectionism’s Mark

In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”, Dr. Brene Brown reminds us that “perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.”  Rather, perfectionism falsely guarantees us that – with it – we can essentially be safe from pain.  Brown shares:  “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”  Perfectionism, when untamed, can impede productivity, tamper with our self-image, unsteady our relationships and prevent us from enjoying a full life.

The Gifts of Imperfection

Dr. Brene Brown shares her thoughts on the gifts of being imperfect.

Tips on Taming Our Perfectionism

[Tip One] Practice Awareness:  Those who struggle with perfectionism often avoid finishing tasks for fear of falling short of the ideal.  Along the way, one can become frustrated with his imperfect work.  Ironically, obsessing over perfect work competes with actually working!  Therefore, one can start with an awareness of perfectionism when it begins to overtake.  Once we are aware of it, it can help to remember that the perfect goal is merely a motivator, not a reality.  And in the even grander scheme, whatever we do or produce can be seen as a single step in our learning; it is always there for revision and further development!

[Tip Two] Practice Forgiveness and Self-acceptance: Imagine one who constantly measures herself to perfect standards.  What happens to her self-esteem or self-image?  Like chasing the horizon, the fruitless pursuit of perfection can quickly deplete morale and self-efficacy.  Therefore, it is crucial to guard ourselves by practicing forgiveness of imperfections, and eventually accepting our imperfections as gifts.  Each mistake or shortcoming is an opportunity for growth, learning, and self-acceptance.

[Tip Three] Practice Vulnerability:  Being in relationship with a perfectionist guarantees a struggle with high expectations.  We can start by asking ourselves: Do we expect perfection from ourselves in relationships to receive love?  Do we expect perfection from others in order to give love?  The implicit message we often learn from a young age is: If we are imperfect, we will lose love and acceptance.  At our core, perfectionism is a place where we are loved and accepted conditionally – rather than for simply being.  It is a belief that our worthiness lies in what we are able to do rather than an inborn sense of self-worth.  True intimacy comes when we find we have fallen short and still are still loved.  It is in these moments that we are awakened to the freeing power of love, freeing us to be ourselves and to love others no matter what.  As we all know, it does not take any effort to love perfection.  So consider being more of an explorer; explore vulnerability in relationships and patience with any known imperfections.

[Tip Four] Practice Enjoyment!  All too often, we allow our ideas or practices to grow into more than we intended.  For instance, we allow dieting and exercise to begin to consume us.  Rather, we can simply enjoy the practice of a healthy lifestyle while allowing occasional extravagant treats or lazy days.  Creating room for our humanity amidst striving to be better is the mark of a beautifully balanced life.  And for those of us who struggle with perfectionism, we can simply choose to enjoy our competence, our tenacity, and our drive for greatness – without letting it consume us.  We can appreciate perfectionism for what it is, and not allow it to grow beyond where we can still enjoy it.

Perfectionism, by its very nature, demands that we fit into a mold.  However, if each of us are unique beings, then we each have a mold of our own, unlike anyone else.  As we grow into the fullest versions of ourselves, it will help to practice self-compassion, a sense of humor, honest vulnerability, and fearlessness in our journey.  When we can embrace our imperfections, we are becoming more authentic versions of ourselves – and becoming perfectly us.

Check out Celestine Chua’s indicators to help us spot if we, ourselves, struggle with perfectionism.  Enjoy the journey!

how to tell if youre a perfectionist

Lesley Anne Mendonça

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : anxiety, compassion, counseling, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, patience, perfectionism, self-care

Resolutions With Staying Power

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 January 14, 2014

New HorizonsA recent study pegged the top three resolutions of 2014 to be: lose weight, get organized, and spend less.  The same study shows that only 8% of people are successful in achieving their goals.  One reason these resolutions do not last may be that the changes are only surface level.  Merely focusing on surface issues is somewhat like cleaning only a square foot of an entire room that needs tidying.  As important as those immediate goals are, why not dig a little deeper into the more long-standing rhythms of life we have been living?  The fourth most common resolution is to enjoy life to the fullest, yet so many of us struggle to know how that is done.  Here are some simple guidelines to create lasting resolutions that tackle our whole, beautiful existence so we are able to truly enjoy life to the fullest (Statistic Brain, 2014).

Starting Off: Where do we still live in fear?

An excellent first step is to notice the areas where we are fearful in order to target tricky areas that need our attention.  For instance, we may feel fear when thinking of our finances, relationships, specific habits or body image. This first step takes reflection and a tolerance for initial discomfort.  However, the insight and awareness that we can attain by listening to our fears is invaluable, and thus takes priority.  Beyond this, we can begin to address the different realms of life that intertwine to make a fuller life:  physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

Mental Well-Being: Never Stop Being a Student

Life never stops delivering its lessons, so we can refresh our perspective constantly by being a forever-student.  We can learn from past mistakes, our relationships, or from our reflection.  A wonderful guiding principle here is to always let what you learn challenge what you know.  Other ideas include reading books not in your normal repertoire, attending a workshop or two that stretch your mind, or joining an academic circle that is out of your comfort zone.  Have you always wondered about a particular profession or field of research?  Clear a little time each week to get your feet wet, purely for the fun of it.  We can even look to our relationships and challenge the status quo by making our interactions and responses more positive and encouraging.  The best part is: this type of learning involves no grades!

Physical Well-Being: Balance Your Lifestyle

We have all heard it before: physical health rests on diet and exercise.  In fact, we have heard it so many times, our minds are likely to tune out the message completely.  However, if we can shift our perspective enough to see physical wellness more holistically – we can begin to feel freedom as we open up ourselves to more options for health.  Diet and exercise are just two facets of a happy, balanced lifestyle.  So don’t just exercise, engage in a fun, creative activity.  Feel the joy of working muscles and a beating heart; feel the joy of each movement and breath.  In addition, don’t just diet; eat lots of superfoods, and enjoy the effects it has on your body.  And we do not have to stop there, we can look at how we spend our day.  For one week, we can try logging how much time is spent on each activity.  Chances are we might spot many areas of sedentary lifestyle plugged into our technology.  Novelist Abha Dawesar asks the question: “Have our lives now become fixated on the drive to digitally connect, while we miss out on what’s real?”  The frequent use of technology has powerful effects on our identity, lifestyle and overall wellbeing.  The value of unplugging daily is crucial to our experience of a full life.  Check out Dawesar’s whole lecture below for inspiring commentary on the role technology has in our life.

Spiritual Well-Being: Unleash Your Creative Spirit

There is more to unleashing our creative spirit than meets the eye.  The process of expressing what lies within us is a validating experience that can open us up to so much life.  Our initial responses to this task might be “I’m not creative” or “I’m too busy”.  Each of us has an inner child and a playful spirit that needs to be expressed.  A good first step is to loosen our ideas of what it means to be creative.  Perhaps one person’s version of creativity involves creating a spreadsheet just for fun, while another’s involves writing a song about nonsense.  Start small. Try taking a different route to work or shopping for groceries somewhere new.  Build up creativity by encouraging play in your day which can further unlock your creative spirit.  With regard to time, keep in mind that our busyness will never fully dissipate.  Stress has a way of tricking us into feeling we need to complete everything all at once.  If we can be reminded that this is an illusion, we will have greater ease in creating time for creativity.  Creativity is essential to encountering the fullness of spiritual well-being.

Emotional Well-Being:  “All You Need Is [Still] Love”

Marianne Williamson, celebrated author and lecturer, writes that the opposite of fear is love.  “We have been brought up in a world that does not put love first, and where love is absent, fear sets in… It’s a terrible absence of what we need in order to survive” (Williamson, 2012, p. 22).  We cannot underestimate the centering, transformative, purposing power of love in our daily lives.  In each of our resolutions, perhaps we can include love; love for our bodies, love for our minds, love for those we share our lives with.  Letting love grow into every small detail of our lives is perhaps the most paramount of steps to a fully enjoyed life.  If it has been a while since we have felt love, we can start small by practicing gratitude.  In all of these things, it is important to be compassionate and patient as we address these areas of our blessed lives.  Try not to lose heart if results are not seen within the expected timeline.  Deep, lasting change takes time and tends to be cyclical.  So breathe… and take small steps daily towards truly enjoying life to the fullest.  Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Williamson, M. (2012).  A return to love: Reflections on the principles of a course in miracles.  New York, NY: HarperOne.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION STATISTICS – Statistic Brain. 2013 Statistic Brain Research Institute, publishing as Statistic Brain. JANUARY 1, 2014 http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Breath Work, Centering Prayer, Compassion, Counseling, Couples, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Self-Esteem, Self-Validation (affirmations), Spirituality, Sticky, Stress Management, Time Management
Tags : anxiety, breath work, creativity, gratitude, physical well-being, self-care practices

Five Simple Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 December 3, 2013

wreathWith the start of December comes an almost audible, collective tensing-up of family members world-wide. People everywhere are forming lists of tasks to be completed and items to be bought surrounded by the pressure of a competitive timeline.  In addition, we may carry an unwritten list in our hearts of things that worry and scare us.  We want the holiday season to be a time to focus on what matters most, yet it very quickly turns into a fast-paced game of survival. It is every man for himself! Most of us can relate to this feeling to some degree. If we merely survive the holiday season, we can be left with a sense of loss as it comes to a close.

What if we take a short break from what we brace ourselves for in order to entertain what we hope for this holiday season. Perhaps we hope for reconciliation with a loved one, reflection over a particularly trying year, time spent doing the things we enjoy most, or perhaps merely hope itself. If left unmanaged, the holidays can turn our lives into nothing more than a ‘quick succession of busy nothings,’ as Jane Austen writes. When we practice managing ourselves, we can actively create the rich, profound and blessing-soaked holiday we all hope for. My hope is that these simple steps can help each of us enjoy a holiday that vividly frames our lives with meaning and purpose.

JOY

Step One: Get in touch with your hopes.  Start imagining what might bring your heart true peace this season. If you struggle in this first step, make a list of the things you value. A list might include exercise, laughter, good food, sleep, and time with a loved one or in nature. Then simply reflect on what insight your list gives you. You may find what you long for is rest, or connection, or safety. The goal here is to identify important goals and spiritual gifts that we might long for, and practice cultivating and receiving it daily.

Step Two: Guard your time. Your time is precious. It may help to budget how much time we want to spend on each task. When you reach the time limit: Stop. When we devote time to things that nurture our heart and soul, we stay connected to our meaning and purpose.  Most importantly, set aside at least five minutes each day to sit in reflection or prayer. If this is a new practice for you, try to read up on ways to mindfulness and meditation.

Step Three: Free yourself! We can be the victor over the lists, the demands, the expectations and the increasing volume of the calendar.  While we do need to carry on with our tasks, we are never to be made prisoner to them.  If we can challenge our ideas of what needs to be done, ask for help whenever possible and practice self-compassion with our limitations – we can successfully free ourselves from feeling so trapped.  Remember: We are in charge, not our lists!

Step Four:  Lower your standards. In every possible moment during the holiday season, try to distinguish between the pressing and the essential.  For example, a slightly messy kitchen may be the price for thirty minutes playing with the children or grandchildren. Consider it well worth the cost. Or perhaps we can let go of trying to do it all for everyone else in order to free up time to nurture our own weary soul.  Each of us can likely stand to loosen our grip on perfection so as to receive what matters to us so much more. A meaningful holiday season is built on quality, not quantity.  Glance back at your list of values or desired spiritual gifts, and make it a point to receive them this month.

Step Five:  Entertain a fresh perspective. So much of our holiday season is contingent on the state of our family relationships.  We can sometimes be steered into unrest by irritating family patterns.  Perhaps this year’s holiday season is even dreaded, due to very painful family complications.  Begin to respond to yourself with self-compassion and self-acceptance right in this moment, no matter the state of your family ties. Then slowly practice letting go of learned patterns. When we bring a fresh perspective to the way we see our family roles, our relationships, and ourselves, we create space to lead more fulfilling lives.  Try new ways of relating to yourself and others, and let go of the expected. If the expected shows its face, show it a new side of you.  Above all, we can always come back to self-compassion as we all muddle through the messier moments of the holidays; it often has a funny way of trickling over to other hearts as well.

There is an art to having a truly meaningful holiday season, and my prayer is that we can all have fun in the mess of learning it!  May we each welcome this holiday season with confidence, focus and peace.

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Blended Families, Boundaries, Centering Prayer, Compassion, Counseling, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Relationships, Spirituality, Sticky, Stress Management, Time Management
Tags : adolescents, anxiety, blended families, boundaries, centering prayer, children, compassion, counseling, emotions, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, mindfulness practice, panic, spirituality, stress management, time management

Sticking Together through Transitions

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 November 21, 2013

canstockphoto1606279Family life is marked by transitional moments. Throughout life together a couple could celebrate their first date, engagement, wedding day, anniversaries, birthdays, birthdays of children, first days of school, first day of college, retirement, becoming grandparents, and more. These moments are photographed, videotaped, remembered and celebrated. Time is marked by before and after these transitional events.

Change can be stressful

Yet even for such happy moments each transition carries with it a certain amount of stress. Few couples escape the wedding planning process without some measure of conflict between each other or with in-laws or families. While the college freshman is embarking on a new exciting adventure, the house never feels the same for parents and younger siblings. Other transitions are even more difficult – a family member is sick, a breadwinner gets laid off, a marriage ends, or a loved one passes on. It is in transitional periods that families encounter the most difficulty. Transitions are both tests of strength and opportunities for growth.

Talk it out together when in transition

So how does a family successfully navigate transitional moments? Perhaps the most important ingredient is communication. This involves not only the act of speaking but, perhaps more importantly, the manner it is received and the response. A supportive atmosphere invites communication and is characterized by warmth, softness, non-judgmental responding and non-defensiveness. This means the goal is to hear and understand, rather than help or give advice.

Be positive on purpose

canstockphoto1606281Such an atmosphere does not often come naturally to a family. It needs to be cultivated during the times between transition. Renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman refers to this atmosphere as either Positive Sentiment Override or Negative Sentiment Override. In other words, is the overall mood of the relationship more positive or more negative? This is changeable based on the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions between family members.

Commit to communicate ahead of time

Transitional moments are made worse when going through them alone. Make a commitment to be a supportive listening partner to your family members and you will contribute to a supportive atmosphere for yourself as well. Between these moments, endeavor to build these skills in preparation for the challenges sure to come.

For more, view our other posts in the Communication category of our blog.

 

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

 

 

 

 

Categories : Communication, Couples, Divorce, Empathy, Grief, Parenting, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : Communication, death, divorce, family stress, graduation, grief, John Gottman, listening, Negative Sentiment Override, Positive Sentiment Override, Transitions

How to Declutter Our Relationships

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 November 5, 2013

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It seems we are living in the age of excess.  Some call it the Information Age due to the seemingly limitless volume of information we can both learn about others and present about ourselves.  There is a need to learn more, know more, talk more, acquire more, be more.  Recent years seem to be characterized by a constant forward motion, fast-paced and infused with ambition and acquisition.  And while we can be grateful for such a burgeoning age of life, our relationships can often get clogged with deprioritized issues that creep in and build silently.  Patterns begin to develop in our relationships that leave us confused, and a little hurt.  The good news is that there are some simple ways to tidy up those relationships, leaving more room for laughter, enjoyment and pure connection.  Though these steps seem simple, they ask for something that is sometimes demanding: change.  So if, on your journey to decluttering your relationships, you find that you need to reach for some outside help: keep in mind that Fuller Life Family Therapists are at the ready to be your loving guides!

Know yourself

One of the fastest ways to put your therapist out of business is to know yourself, through and through, because that’s half the battle.  We are often mysteries unto ourselves, and the act of spending insightful time with ourselves is invaluable.  As we build self-understanding, we’re able to claim greater freedom and clarity in our relationships.  So start a journal, practice greater self-awareness in your interactions, and make time for self-reflection.  In doing so, we can begin to see our strengths, weaknesses, quirks, needs and desires all the more clearly.  Knowing ourselves is similar to looking at the room we have decided to tidy: We can’t bring order to the clutter until we first see the room for what it is.

Practice compassion.

When tackling clutter and mess, we can quickly grow hard on ourselves and others.  The same can hold true when we begin tackling our relationships.  One of the most powerful tools we can have at our disposal when doing this is compassion, both for ourselves and our relationships.  Pema Chödrön writes about compassion, saying: “Compassion practice is daring.  It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us.  The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden us into resistance” (Chödrön, 2002).  So as you uncover those messier areas of your relationships, remember to show compassion towards yourself and those you love.  What we can hold onto is that we are worthy of love and connection, no matter what shade or color we find ourselves living in for the day.

Don’t forget to dream-build!

In any legitimate decluttering task, we have to have a plan for what we desire our space to be like.  In the same way, we can get in touch with how we wish our relationships to look.  An obvious caution to this tip is to stay grounded and connected to reality, so as to keep our vision within reasonable reach. However, we can enjoy the process of journeying into our very unique vision for ourselves and our relationships.  One way to start is to begin making a list of what values you’d like to embody, and experience in your relationships.  For example, “Connection, patience, laughter, peace, intimacy.”  When you’re ready, return to your lists to build your vision into statements, such as “I want us to be more authentic in what we can share with one another,” or “I want to feel more peace throughout my day, no matter what comes my way”.   If there are any tricky problem-area’s you want to focus on, reach for resources that can help along the way.  For instance, learning to manage anger, anxiety or depression.  However you proceed, have fun designing your inner rooms and common areas!

Cultivate a belief in change.

Any sizeable mess can cause us to begin to feel as though it will never be fixable.  There is great importance in nurturing your ability to believe in change.  A great place to start is to have an awareness of the patterns of your relationships, or perhaps of your own patterns in multiple relationships.  As you begin to catch yourself in a familiar pattern, make a small change.  You can pause your argument to tell a joke, or start a gratitude list when you’re feeling negativity close in on you.  If you notice your words often don’t match what you mean, practice speaking more constructively.  If you’re struggling to find your voice, show courage in your relationships through apology, assertion of self and speaking about the things that aren’t typically talked about.  As you entertain a spirit of hopefulness for change, you will find yourself able to take incremental steps towards your goals.

Learn to hear your emotions.

American folk singer Jack Johnson sings, “You don’t always have to hold your head higher than your heart.”  One of the most wonderful tools we have to use is our emotions.  In the same way our stomach pains can tell us we’re hungry, our feelings can alert us when we’re in need of a change.  Our anger can serve as a reminder that we’re not happy with how things are going.  Guilt can let us know when we’re capable of more love and compassion.  And pain can let us know our needs more clearly.  So pay attention to your feelings, and grow your insight.  If you’re brand new at this, perhaps you can start by taking an extra beat to notice and name your feelings the next time something comes up.

As we apply these guidelines, we can bring our relationships into ones of trust, patience, love and temperance.  One last thing: Don’t forget to leave room for imperfection!  Imperfection may well be the sweetest part of life, because it’s where our uniqueness can shine through.  So where it can be endearing, give yourself permission to enjoy a margin for a little clutter.

 

Chödrön, P.  (2002).  The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times.  Boston, MA: Shambhala.

Lesley Anne MendonçaLesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Divorce, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : anger management, Communication, compassion, counseling, depression, emotions and relationships, Empathy, gratitude, parenting

Healing Practices: Permission to Sleep

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 May 21, 2013

This is our fourth post in a series where we explore daily practices that nurture and encourage healing. Our last post discussed creating balance between relationships and digital technologies. This post explores the benefits of sleep and useful tools that help us relax and get the most out of our sleep.

Out of Gas

Many of us realize the importance of maintenance and how it relates directly to an automobile’s performance. When we fill the gas tank and manage the oil level, we know our car will run at its best. When we push our car past how much gas it will hold, or if we neglect to change the oil, the car will not go. So if the car runs out of gas, what would be the most helpful thing to do? One option is to yell at it, but would that get us to our destination? Instead, we maintain our car so we can go where we want to go.

Our bodies are no different. If we want to be effective in our relationships, work, and other pursuits, we need to have a full tank. In our culture, when we “run out of gas,” we often use over-the-counter drugs or herbs to push ourselves to keep going beyond fatigue. Our tanks may be “on empty,” but it is hard to stop. Some of us may even yell at ourselves to keep going.

But unlike cars, our bodies are not machines. We have limitations. When we identify our limitations, we can learn to respond to ourselves with kindness. As we treat ourselves with compassion and give ourselves permission to rest, we can meet the world and all its challenges with a fuller tank.

Caregivers and Parents

It is important to note how challenging it is to find time for rest as caregivers and parents. The needs of young children and those we care for often go beyond our ability to catch up on our rest. Fatigue can lead to tension and strain in a marriage. Fatigue often results in shorter tempers with children. As important as identifying our own “empty tank,” it is helpful to notice signs of fatigue in our relationship partners, and allow our loved ones and friends time to rest and refuel. When we cultivate these acts of grace in our families, we create space to respond to one another from a fuller tank that has more space for patience and compassion for ourself and others.

Nap Time

NapSetting aside time to rest yields great benefits. When we take a time-out, naps can be a great source of rest that helps fuel the body for the second half of the day. According the the National Sleep Foundation:

Naps can restore alertness, enhance performance, and reduce mistakes and accidents. A study at NASA on sleepy military pilots and astronauts found that a 40-minute nap improved performance by 34% and alertness 100%. Napping has psychological benefits. A nap can be a pleasant luxury, a mini-vacation. It can provide an easy way to get some relaxation and rejuvenation.

Preparation for Sleep

Many find it challenging to fall asleep at bedtime. Creating a pre-sleep routine can aid in a more restful experience. To begin, it is helpful to set aside digital devices about an hour before bedtime. Our brains confuse the light emanating from our computers and phones with sunlight. This inhibits the release of melatonin, the chemical that kicks off the sleep cycle. When we turn off our devices, our bodies can more easily shift into a resting mode.

It may be helpful to include some calming exercises into a pre-sleep routine:

Our body craves routine and likes to know what’s coming. By creating a pre-sleep ritual, you are establishing a clear association between certain activities and sleep. For instance, if you read before heading to bed, your body knows that reading at night signals sleep time. If you take a warm bath before bed every night, your body recognizes that it’s time to slow down and relax. Other helpful activities can be listening to calming music, stretching, or doing relaxation exercises. If you are watching TV before bed, make sure it’s at least a relaxing program, and not something like the news. (Margarita Tartakovsky, 12 Ways to Shut Off Your Brain Before Bedtime)

The following videos are examples of different approaches that calm the mind, reduce stress, clear tension, and release emotional energy. Everyone is different, so it is helpful to experiment in order to find the best personal fit. As we create space to relax, we set up the potential for a deeper, more restful sleep.

Try some of these. Do not underestimate the importance of sleep when it comes to your well-being. Proper rest can be a gift we give ourselves every day, a gift of compassion that not only benefits us, but everyone around us.

Mindfulness Body Scan

Mindfulness: Body Scan

Qi Gong

Qi Gong for Deep Sleep

Yin Yoga

Yin Yoga: Foundations of a Quiet Practice

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Marriage, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sleep Disorders, Sticky, Stress Management

What I Made Up In My Mind

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 March 26, 2013

We all have filters. Our filters are created from childhood, past relationships, what others modeled for us by their example, and how we intersect with culture. Everyone has different experiences that inform each person’s filters and lenses. These filters are always present in the midst of our relationships and have an effect on how we view others.

Acknowledging our lenses can make a significant difference in our relationships and our level of happiness. “It is not necessarily reality that shapes us, but the lens through which your brain views the world that shapes your reality. If we can change the lens, we can change your happiness.” (Shawn Achor, 2011)

Here is a common example: Three people witness a car accident. When the police interview each witness about the same accident, their stories are different. Each witness ultimately experienced the accident in a different way. Who is telling the truth? Each one of them.

Couples often share this frustrating phenomenon. Something happens. Each person in the couple “knows” exactly what happened. However, for some reason, the other person does not see it the same way. Both partners spend too much time in conflict trying to convince the other person about reality. They both end up moving on without resolution. The problem with this scenario is that each person’s experience is valid. Our reality is shaped through our filters.

What tools can help us avoid this stalemate in our relationships with others?

1. Acknowledge our unique filter: Terrence Real believes a good place to start is acknowledging the lens we use to interpret reality. A handy phrase like, “What I made up in my mind,” can go miles in a relationship and diffuse the emotional rollercoaster we experience when our brains try to fill in the blanks. (Terrence Real, 2008)

Example: A wife promises to call her husband while she is at work before lunch. The phone call never comes. Her boss pulls her into an impromptu meeting that lasts through lunch. Sandwiches are called in. She is unable to make the call. What choice does her husband have? He can either (a) make up possible reasons why she neglected to make the call: “Does she still care?” “Did she lie?” “Did she have a reason to lie?” Or, (b) acknowledge his discomfort and wait until he has a chance to talk with her to learn what happened. Then, he can begin with, “When you did not call, I made up in my mind…” At this point, she has a chance to reassure him that she loves him and explain what happened. The emotional tone is calmer. This phrase allows them to broach a difficult issue, to acknowledge possible hurt feelings, and to hear one another.

2. Practice listening. Shift the goal from trying to win our position to trying to understand the other person. Receiving empathy, feeling like someone really understands where we are coming from, is healing. When we both feel the other person understands, the conflict often loses its steam.

Lens of Gratitude3. Enhance your lens with gratitude: Instead of looking for what is lacking approach relationships from a place of gratitude. Gratitude is an intentional practice and impacts our level of contentment and happiness. In an interview Brené Brown did with Oprah Winfrey about her research with men and women on “Wholehearted” living, Brown responded: “I made a commitment to everybody I knew, that I will never talk about joy for the rest of my career without talking about gratitude, because in 12 years of research, I have never interviewed a single person who talks about the capacity to really experience and soften into joy who does not actively practice gratitude.”

4. Self-compassion. When we talk to ourselves in negative and self-critical ways, it not only affects the way we see ourselves, it impacts the way we view others in a negative way. Our filter becomes one of criticism and negativity. We gain a greater capacity to face our insecurities when we learn to be actively compassionate with ourselves. When we mistakes, we acknowledge the pain and learn that it is and act of kindness to comfort one another. (Link to self-compassion videos by leading experts, Paul Gilbert and Kristin Neff).

In conclusion, relationships are enhanced when we recognize that we all use filters to make meaning of our reality. When we acknowledge the filters and try to understand the other, we are better able to approach difficult issues and create space for healing. We can enhance our lens and become more content in our relationships as we learn self compassion and actively practice gratitude.

Achor, Shawn. (2011). The Happy Secret to Better Work. Video on TED.

Real, Terrence. (2008). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Gratitude, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : Communication, compassion, counseling, couples, emotions and relationships, Empathy, marriage, relationships, self-care
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