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Archive for cognitive reframing

How Often do you Care for Yourself?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 January 31, 2019
  · 1 Comment

Self-Care Sunday

The phrase self-care is becoming more and more popular. It is a phrase we hear all over social media or in conversations with friend, and it has even become its own hashtag, ex: #selfcaresunday on Instagram.  However, sometimes it is used more as an excuse to self-indulge and less as a practice of *self-compassion. So, what does actual self-care look like?

From a therapeutic stand point, it looks like taking care of yourself in multiple ways. It can look like eating well, exercising, practicing mindfulness or even engaging in spiritual practices. It can involve making space to spend time with loved ones. In addition to taking care of your physical and emotional health, it is equally important to attend to the mental aspect of self-care.The mental aspect of self-care is an area of ourselves that we can often neglected if we are not being intentional. How often do you take time to sit with yourself to see where your mind is and what is going on? Do you find yourself constantly trying to keep busy or distracted so you don’t have to think? If this at all sounds familiar, then you may want to keep reading to find some ways you can take time to care about yourself on the inside. 

What does your self-talk sound like?

It is important to make note of how your self-talk impacts your self-care. Consider the following, how kind are you being to yourself as you go about your daily routine? How easy or challenging is it for you to say compassionate things to yourself when you make mistakes? In the wise words for Ru Paul, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Often times we do not want to take time to notice how damaging a lack of self-kindness can be to our mind. Consider the R.A.I.N. exercise which can be used as a way of exploring yourself and what you are feeling in a compassionate and non-judgmental way. Self-care is a choice that has to be made on a daily basis. In this life you will constantly face situations in which you will have to choose between being kind to yourself or negate yourself the opportunity to experience kindness in that moment. 

How do you take care of yourself through adversity?

Part of life includes dealing with the consequences of our choices. We also cannot avoid life’s random accidents which can  bring adversity. During these times, how do you deal with yourself and others? How do you respond? Do you engage in self-care or is that the first thing to go out of the window? In the Bible, the author of Colossians 3:12 invites the reader to consider clothing themselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, there is value in noting that the author is asking the audience to consider choosing to live in a compassionate way through all that life can bring.  

Life is all about how we chose to face it. So reader, I challenge you to choose to respond to yourself with  kindness and compassion on a daily basis, because you already know what the alternative is. If you find yourself at a place where you are already working on these issues, then I commend you for having the courage and strength to practice self-care. However, if you are at a place where you are uncertain about what steps to take, then perhaps consider visiting a counselor who can help you in your journey towards greater self-care.

* Self-Compassion: Recognizing your own pain, suffering or discomfort and then choosing to respond with kindness. 

Other resources to consider:

Self-Care for the Real World

The Practice of Resilience

Create & Grow Healthy

Manet Castaneda, Resident Therapist, Fuller Life LOOP and WEST

Manet Castaneda, LPC-InternResident Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller PhD, LPC-S, LMFT-S

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform. 

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Covid-19, Emotional Intelligence, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Self-Esteem
Tags : cognitive reframing, emotional intelligence, emotions, lifestyle, mental health, self care, self-awareness, self-care practices, self-esteem

Do You Talk Dirty to Yourself?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 March 2, 2018
  · No Comments

If you find yourself guilty of engaging in harmful self-talk, do not fret, you are not alone. Many of us are guilty of using shaming or denigrating language to speak to ourselves on a daily basis. Our intimate thoughts can sometimes be a scary place, especially when they are riddled with negativity and self-hate. How often do we take time to notice the way we “talk dirty” to ourselves?

Better yet, how often do we take the time to reframe those negative thoughts into more compassionate musings? If you are like many individuals, it is likely that you have not taken the time to notice your negative self-talk, much less considered speaking more kindly to yourself. Here is a three-step process for identifying and reshaping damaging self-talk.

First Step: Notice our Dirty Talk

Where does our dirty talk come from? For most, it comes from a combination of experiences and interactions we have with others- parents, teachers, classmates or coworkers. Regardless of where your negative self-talk comes from, it is important to identify it and recognize how it infiltrates your day-to-day routine. Here are a few examples of distorted self-talk:

– I am not good at my job

– I’ll never be good at anything

– I am not smart enough

– If only I was thinner

– I’m so stupid

Second Step: Swap Your Dirty Talk

If you are able to identify your negative self-talk, then you are taking a step towards changing the way that you experience your world and the people in it. While identifying dirty talk is important, if what you want is to live a more growth promoting life then it is important make steps towards changing those self-damaging thoughts. One way to do this is by writing down your internal negative thoughts and reversing them. For example:

– I am not good at my job vs I work hard at my job

– I’ll never be good at anything vs I am good at several things

– I am not smart enough vs I work hard to learn new things

Third Step: Challenge Your Dirty Talk

The last step and possibly the most challenging, is to provide yourself with reasons why the reversed thought is true. Distorted self-talk is just that, distorted. Which means that the things you tell yourself are most likely untrue and there is evidence in your own experiences to prove this. For example:

– I am good at my job because I work hard to complete my tasks

– I am good at many things like reading, and helping around the house

– I am smart because I take time to learn new things

– I am not stupid because I am able to accomplish many tasks thought my day

Reframing your dirty talk may be a very challenging thing to do, especially when you are unaware that you are doing it to yourself. However, you can rise to the challenge. If you want to positively change the way you perceive yourself and your experiences, you can. Retraining yourself will take a conscious effort, but the outcome will be very rewarding. Change your negative self-talk step-by-step and leave the dirty talk for the bedroom.

For more information on changing your negative self-talk check out Dr. Helmstetter’s book What to Say When you Talk to your Self.

For more information on self talk, visit Taylor Dickerson’s blog.

 

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Cognitive Reframing, Cognitive Reframing, Compassion, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : cognitive distortions, cognitive reframing, mental health, positive self talk, self-awareness

Writing Your Destiny: Does the Story You Tell Yourself Help or Hurt You? 

Posted by Shani Bell on
 May 30, 2017
  · No Comments

If you were to pick a genre for the story of your life, what would it be? A romantic comedy? Action? Psychological Thriller? A horror?? The stories we tell ourselves about the lives we lead deeply impact the way we view ourselves and our outlook.

Rereading Your Story

Since our story matters so much it is helpful to really look at what our story is and put words to it. Just think about it for a moment. Take some time to write down the 5 most significant events of your life. Think about the story you tell yourself about these events.

  • Start with identifying the type of character you play. Are you the victim, the hero, the villain or some other character? How does viewing yourself in this manner affect the way you lead your life?
  • Now think about the events themselves. Out of all the experiences you have had, you chose a certain 5 to be the most significant. Is the road through these events what psychologist, Michael White, calls problem saturated?
  • How do these events change how you see the world?
  • What meaning are you giving these 5 experiences and how does this meaning direct how you see life in general?
  • What was the moral of the stories?  How has each event impacted your rules for life?

Have these events created a limited view of yourself?  Do they influence your poor decisions?  Have these memories created an unhealthy sense of your own identity?  If the answer to these questions is no, maybe you should take another look at the autobiography that you have written.

Find the Missing Pieces

One vital question that you can ask yourself when thinking about your perspective is “Am I omitting something important from my story?” Though you placed a high-level of importance on the meaning you have given these events, decide if there are other events or alternative interpretations that can tell you a different story about yourself. Challenge how you have allowed these stories to form your core beliefs. Often, people will generate beliefs from places like early life experiences, values from their family origin or intense turning points like tragedies. From that point on, they unconsciously sift through their experiences going forward looking only for the ones that confirm their existing beliefs. The problem is that there are so many fact missing from their limited point of view. They never see the full picture.

Don’t Ruin the Ending!

Omitted facts and narrow perspectives can have serious effects. Imagine a young high school honor student who gained a low SAT score. She always saw herself as intelligent with a passion for learning until that point. But after perceived failure, she then built a belief about herself that she is not smart enough to succeed.

She starts limiting herself by taking easier college courses that she believes she can pass, afraid to challenge herself. She graduates and gains a steady career. Her bosses see her potential, but she passes up promotions not believing in her skills and abilities. One day, she is reprimanded for missing an important deadline. “See! I knew it. I’m a failure”, she declares. Her mind is turned away from any evidence against this belief, like graduating college, establishing a career, or being offered promotions. All she sees is the same failure she identified with in high school. Does this story sound familiar? If so, you might need to turn the page on your thinking.

To live a full and meaningful life going forward, think about changing the meaning you have given the life you have already lived. Rewrite your story.

 

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, cognitive reframing, core beliefs, mental health, personal narrative, self-awareness, self-esteem

How Samantha Used Self-Talk To Turn Her Anxiety Around

Posted by Taylor Knox on
 April 20, 2017
  · No Comments

Samantha is a 34-year-old teacher who, like many people, struggles with anxiety and depression. She has a hard time motivating herself to get out of bed in the mornings knowing her day will be full of worry and fear. Her self-talk tells her she is worthless. She is embarrassed about her struggles and hates mostly everything about herself. One day she feels especially low and finds herself thinking about her life and how much she worries. The thoughts persist and before she knows it she is having a hard time breathing.  Her chest is tightening and she feels like she has lost control. This is not the first panic attack she has experienced.  She is so sick of feeling anxiety is running her life.

Feeling especially frustrated with herself the next day, she decides to get help by seeking therapy. The therapist helps Samantha realize that she can use her own internal dialogue to change how she experiences and thinks about things. As she practices and changes the way she talks to herself in her head, she notices her mood begins to shift. With persistence, Samantha is able to use her self-talk to stop panic attacks and relate to her anxiety differently. Her mood improves as she is kind to herself rather than beat herself up. These shifts empower Samantha.  She is finally able to learn how to navigate her emotions rather than be overtaken by them.

During one therapy session, Samantha becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and panic. She reads a handout about self-talk and learns she has the ability to choose what she says to herself in her head. Samantha’s automatic thoughts were telling her, “I can’t do this. I can’t breathe. It’s gonna happen again. You’re so stupid for talking about this.”  Rather than allowing her anxiety to choose her thoughts she decides to tell herself, “Breathe. You are going to be okay. It will pass. You can do this. Just breathe.”

To Samantha’s surprise, she found panic and fear dissipated as she took deep breaths and talked herself out of the all-familiar anxiety spiral. Samantha feels empowered, like she can control her thoughts for the first time in a long time. She practices this concept with her normal day to day anxious thoughts and is amazed at how she keeps herself from spiraling. She does all of this by simply reminding herself to relax and changing the way she talks to herself.

As Samantha learns to experience her anxiety differently, she notices she is becoming more motivated and it is easier to get out of bed in the mornings. Her therapist notices and points out Samantha was still placing a lot of blame on herself. She is still making comments like, “I’m so dumb. I always mess things up. No one likes me because I’m depressing.” So Samantha’s therapist challenges her to apply what she knows about self-talk to a new concept of self-compassion.

Next, Samantha practices an exercise called “Changing Your Critical Self-Talk.” She begins to notice the harsh ways she speaks to herself in her head and chooses kind and compassionate words instead. This takes a lot of practice. However, with time, the new way she talks to herself begins to shape the way she thinks about and sees herself. This has a powerful impact on her critical, anxious, and depressive thoughts.

Samantha’s effort to challenge her automatic ways of talking to herself was not easy, yet she finds it worth the effort. Many people struggling with mild to severe anxiety or depression can benefit by changing the way they talk to themselves. Sometimes they can be successful alone and others may need the professional help of a therapist. So if you or someone you know needs further help addressing anxious or depressive thoughts, there are therapists (at Fuller Life Family Therapy and all over the country) waiting to help. See if you can begin to change the things you say to yourself and notice the effect on your mood.

Read more on our blog about the power of compassionate Self-Talk:
  • The Benefits of Self-Compassion
  • Scary Thoughts
  • Create Balance: Living well in the midst of anxiety
  • Three simple ways to get yourself unstuck

Stay tuned,

Taylor Knox, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LPC-S

 

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Self-Awareness, Sticky
Tags : anxiety, cognitive reframing, self-awareness

Lessons on Materialism as Told by Rock ‘n’ Roll Legends

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 July 20, 2016
  · No Comments

We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with images of celebrities and their flawless bodies, luxurious homes, the latest fashion trends, and the coolest gadgets. In the midst of all of these things it can be easy to be swayed towards the belief that we are supposed to live our lives according to the standards that society sets for us. Consider the following questions:

  • Do you believe that you would be happier if you just had more money?
  • Do you envy those who have nicer belongings than you do?
  • Do you and your partner worry about accumulating wealth and assets?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider whether you are placing a high level of importance on acquiring wealth, and if so, what potential side effects this type of thinking may have on your life and relationships.

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

The Rolling Stones may have been on to something when they wrote I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, referring to not being satisfied by material things despite trying. Interestingly, according to Carolyn Gregorie of The Huffington Post, Americans have more cars and eat out more than they did roughly 50 years ago. However, despite having more, Americans are still not happier. Research has found that, although the levels of consumption have risen in the past 50 years, Americans’ overall wellbeing has declined.

You may be asking yourself, “Why does this all matter?” Well, if you believe that the solution to your problems is having more, you may want to take note that research has found having more does not necessarily mean you will be happier. In fact, it has found that those who work towards accumulating wealth and assets have a tendency to experience less positive emotions throughout their day and are less satisfied than those who do not pursue wealth.

Money Talks

In AC/DC’s popular song, Money Talks, part of the chorus says “Come on, come on, love me for the money,” as if having large amounts of money can make someone fall in love with you. Interestingly, research has shown that individuals who are materialistic may find themselves in unhappy relationships compared to those who do not place importance on their belongings and the acquisition of more. Jason Carroll, professor of family life at Brigham Young University found this is true for all income classes. Additionally, his study found that the least satisfying marriages were those in which both partners placed great importance on their possessions.

Carroll and his research team developed theories as to how materialism can affect a relationship, and they believe that it could be that those couples who spend more time focusing on accumulating wealth spend less time working on strengthening their relationship. Another theory that Carroll and his team considered was that reckless spending habits caused couples to have more stress and more discussions. Therefore they were more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationship.

Welcome to the Hotel California

The Eagles give their listeners a glimpse into the powerful trap of materialism in their popular song, Hotel California. The lyrics of the song paint a picture of a man caught in the life of luxury at the Hotel California, only to realize too late that he and everyone there “are all just prisoners… of [their] own device.” As if the effects of materialism listed above were not worrisome enough, studies have found that individuals who are materialistic are also more insecure, anxious, and depressed than those individuals who are not materialistic.

In a different study, psychologist Galen V. Bodenhausen and his team of researchers found that students who were exposed to images of luxury items and words compared to students who were exposed to nature scenes, rated themselves higher in anxiety and depression than the other students. This research is important because it indicates that people who have a mind frame of materialism may have higher levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to those individuals who do not.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

We live in a society that applies a great deal of pressure on its consumers to have more in order to be “happy.” We have been led to believe that satisfaction will come from collecting material things. However, this way of thinking does not guarantee happiness, stable relationships, or a reduction in anxiety and depression. In fact, being materialistic seems to provide the complete opposite by leading to less satisfaction, strained relationships, and higher levels of anxiety and depression.

If living the life of a rock ‘n’ roll star is not the way towards a life of happiness and fulfillment, then how do you find satisfaction? Perhaps it might be found in engaging in the opposite of materialism, gratitude. Recent studies on happiness suggest that having deep feelings of gratitude beyond good manners could contribute largely to our happiness. With all of this in mind, just remember the wise words of Axl Rose, ” nothin’ lasts forever, even cold November rain.”

 

 

Manet  Castaneda

Practicum Student Therapist

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

Manet Headshot 

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform. 

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : cognitive reframing, counseling, couples, depression, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, gratitude, marriage, mental health, mindfulness practice, Problem Solving, relationships, self-esteem, stress manage, stress management

Fear and Panic: How to Take Back Control

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 July 1, 2015
  · 1 Comment

Imagine you’re in an elevator mentally running through your list of to do’s for the day.  Suddenly, the elevator stops between floors.  The lights go dark and the alarm begins to sound.  What most people will likely experience is an element of fear or panic.

Fear is the body’s natural response to anything that is perceived as a threat, either physical or emotional.  Fear is something each of us has experienced, and is responsible for keeping us safe.  For many of us though, fear can overstep its bounds and run more of our lives than we wish.  We may develop unhelpful behaviors in response to our fear.  If left untreated, fear can begin to affect our health and relationships.

What if we were to learn to be the master of our fear, allowing it to serve us rather than rule us?  Taking back control is best done counterintuitively: We need to release control.  Mindfulness is a beautiful approach to addressing our fear, panic and anxiety. This article borrows from Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), a model of mindfulness that is proven to help with fear (Stahl & Millstine, 2013).

What Are Fear, Panic & Anxiety?

Though fear and panic seem to be synonymous, it is important to understand the difference.  According to mindfulness expert Bob Stahl, when one perceives danger, fear “serves to activate your ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response in order to help you survive”.  This manifests as rapid breathing, elevated heart rate and blood pressure.

Panic is our body’s response to fear.  “Panic affects your body, emotions, and thoughts in extreme ways that can feel like a violent eruption.”  Extreme or chronic panic leads to feelings of terror, worry, anger, shame, inadequacy and embarrassment – and can even culminate to the feeling of going crazy or dying.

Anxiety, a very close cousin of fear and panic, is prolonged worry about threats that might be in the future. When left unsupervised, all three intermingle and can create a system of dis-ease for us.

The Unfortunate Effects

Fear and panic both affect the brain and body in ways that can be detrimental.

[Did that last sentence cause a little fear and panic?  If you’re reading this and feel alarmed, pause from reading and pay attention to your emotion.  Breathe, slowly and deeply, through the emotion for as long as you need, and then return to reading.  This is a simple example of a grounding exercise.]

When we are in a state of fear or panic, our neurological pathways change in order to respond quickly for our benefit.  According to the Center for Spirituality and Healing, chronic fear can eventually weaken our immune system, cause cardiovascular damage, gastrointestinal problems and decreased fertility.  In order to safeguard our health, it is wise that we become effective tamers of fear and panic.  But how?

What Can We Do?

Calm Our Body

If fear and panic bring our body into a state of distress, our goal is to bring ourselves back to a state of calm and peace.  MBSR highlights two main techniques to calming our body.  First is through mindful breathing, which can be done anywhere and at any time.  A second, more in-depth tool is to practice a body scan.  This enables us to pay mindful attention to our body and can teach us to manage internal feelings, including fear and panic.

Calm Our Emotion

First, mindfulness asks that we acknowledge our feelings rather than avoid them.  Research shows that naming our feelings actually calms our brain.  Once we’ve named them, we are asked not to judge them but rather to simply allow them to run their course.  Learning to ride the waves of any presenting emotion is central to mindfulness.  This means sitting in the discomfort of our emotion rather than trying to fix or change it.  The next time fear or panic shows up, practice naming and allowing the feeling to be.   Remind yourself: feelings are temporary, they will pass.

Calm Our Thoughts

As troubling thoughts arise, we can first remind ourselves: thoughts are just thoughts, and are not necessarily true.  As we continue to pay mindful attention to the thoughts that cause us fear or panic, MBSR suggests we practice: “Pause, observe/experience, allow”.  First pause what we are doing, rather than pushing through and ignoring our fear.  Then, we can mindfully observe and experience the effect of our thoughts.  Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we can allow this experience to run its course rather than fight it off.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness teaches us to acknowledge life’s constant unpredictability.  The beauty of incorporating mindfulness into our response to fear is in recognizing that fear is a visitor that will be popping in on us from time to time.  If we cannot control that visitor, our hopeful solution can be to change our relationship to it – through mindfulness.  So keep breathing and riding the waves with peace in your heart.

Good luck in the journey!

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

 

Stahl, B. & Millstine, W.  (2013).  Calming the rush of panic: A mindfulness-based stress reduction guide to freeing yourself from panic attacks and living a vital life.  Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Breath Work, Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Covid-19, Emotions and Relationships, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : anxiety, breathwork, cognitive reframing, fear, mindfulness, panic, relationships, stress management

Could Failure Be the Pathway to Success?

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 January 15, 2015
  · 1 Comment

Let’s be honest, the word “failure” strikes fear in the hearts of many.  Failure can dash our hopes and steal our confidence in one fell swoop – teaching us never to try that again.

But what happens when we push through initial, or even repetitive failure?  Our perception can begin to change.  We begin to see that failure is not rigid and unyielding, but rather flexible and moldable.  Our efforts hold the potential to bring incredible victory – should we succeed. There it is. The illusion of success is falsely contingent on one delicate variable: the immediate outcome.  This tends to be how we think of success and failure – as a black and white picture of winning or losing.  We can be crushed beneath the pressure to succeed.  So how do we learn to embrace our fear?

Failure is always a potential outcome in our efforts. It is scary to consider.  But what if we could develop an entirely different perception of failure and success?  Perhaps “success” is a fictional destination where we imagine we can stop learning, trying and improving – because we have all we need.  And “failure” is the notion that we will never arrive there.  This concept is similar to a customer who walks away from an item that is too expensive, rather than negotiating a lower price.  We have a choice as to whether or not we will accept it at face value.

How Failure Helps Us

It masks itself cleverly as a villain, denying us passage.  But we can train ourselves to see it for what it really is: a helper.  It can assist us by:

– building resiliency and know-how.

– sharpening our skills and increasing our expertise.

– teaching us how we can succeed by showing us what won’t work.

– refining our sense of determination, fortitude and endurance.

How To Befriend Failure

1) Redefine success and failure.  Consider writing your own definition of failure and success, and putting it somewhere you can view it daily.  If you need some inspiration, read what others have written about the subject.

2) Allow fear to work for you.  Let your fear perform only one function: to alert you of your wants.  Often when we encounter fear, it may be because we have spotted a goal or a desire that is within reach.  Our fear may be a reaction to a desire to stretch beyond our comfort zone.  Armed with your new definition, fear can be translated into a signal meant to help you summon determination and drive.

3) Notice the bright spots.  As often as possible, make a record of anything that goes well, and any positive trait you feel developing within you as a result of failure.

As you begin the New Year, hopeful for change and success, carry with you the expectation and appreciation of your new friend, failure.  Good luck in the journey!

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Sticky
Tags : anxiety, CBT, cognitive reframing, cognitive therapy, counseling, failure, fear, motivation, relationships, success

Three Simple Ways to Get Yourself Unstuck!

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 October 23, 2014

get unstuckAt any given point in our lives, there is at least one area where we can feel a little stuck.  Sure, there are ‘problems’ that can have a clear, easy solution.  And then there are those issues that are much more difficult to solve.  These things can be anything from a pattern of feeling low within ourselves to a troubled relationship that just feels stuck!  And when we have had enough, the familiar phrase comes flashing through our minds in all caps: “I’M SO TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY!”  We are stuck.  So often, the frustration we feel makes it difficult to see any other possibilities beyond our struggle.  With this in mind, there are a few tips to help unencumber our hearts by simply paying attention to our hidden thoughts.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a type of therapy that exposes the powerful relationship between our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  When even one negative thought cycles through us, it can torpedo us into feelings and behaviors that go on for long periods of time.  The distress that often accompanies these unhealthy imposters is so often confused as part of us, when in fact – it is not.  CBT brilliantly exposes these unhealthy thoughts and helps us to replace them with kinder, more helpful thoughts.  Though effective CBT is best done with a trained clinician, there are exercises we can borrow from this clever treatment method.

  1. Become aware of your thoughts.

For one day, practice writing down some of the thoughts that filter through your mind about yourself and others.  This includes both positive and negative thoughts.  For example, “I am not as interesting as everyone else, I am boring” or “my boss recognized my work, I am good at my job”.  As you begin writing them out, notice what feelings come up within you; then write those down next to the thoughts.  To continue with our example, “I feel unvalued and hopeless” or “I feel appreciated”.  In this step, your only job is to become aware of your thoughts and how much influence they have on your emotions.

{Note: This can sometimes be uncomfortable.  However, remember that we grow the most in our discomfort.  To become truly unstuck requires courage, so take heart and believe in yourself!}

  1. Challenge your thoughts.

Continue the daily process of noticing your thoughts and consequent feelings.  In the more troublesome thoughts, begin to challenge them with healthier, more compassionate alternatives.  For example, “It is impossible to be found interesting by every human person. Certain people find me interesting, and I enjoy being myself.”  This can be applied to our interactions with others, as well.  For example, a superior at work is short with us and we automatically believe it is because we are unsatisfactory or disliked.  We can challenge this thought with an alternative: “There are a number of factors that can contribute to someone being short with me, many of which might have nothing to do with me.”  Remember, the key to this step is to find different patterns of thinking that help us feel kindness towards ourselves.

  1. Allow change to occur.

If one is able to commit to these simple practices for a long period of time, transformation will inevitably occur.  Our ability to commit to this practice long-term often hinges on making small changes that are sustainable over time.  Therefore, do not try to be overly ambitious!  Be patient and kind with yourself as you learn and grow.  Our gradual transformation can affect our relationship with ourselves, as well as others!  Change often feels foreign and scary, because it is unknown territory.  However, the gift of changing our thought patterns empowers us as we learn: we have so much more control over how we feel than we realize.

Bonus!  If you find you are excelling at this practice and want to master positive self-talk, consider speaking to yourself using your name.  For example, rather than saying “I am a talented person” – speak to yourself and say “Lesley, you are a talented person!”  However silly this may sound, studies have shown that this very small adjustment makes a world of difference in our self-image and ability to believe in ourselves!  If you are feeling really adventurous, try using a more advanced log to track your thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  You can read up on some of the nuts and bolts of CBT here.  Please be advised that these practices can often bring up things in us we might not have realized were there.  If you feel at any point you would like someone to walk with you in your self-discovery – please reach out for help.  The beauty of this practice is that we can empower ourselves to take charge of our thoughts, emotions and behaviors with just a little effort!

Enjoy the journey!

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Mental Health, Self-Validation (affirmations), Sticky
Tags : CBT, cognitive distortions, cognitive reframing, positive self talk, self-awareness
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