emotional intelligence Archives - Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Archive for emotional intelligence

Covered in Red: How the Brain Uses Anger to Hide Pain

Posted by Shani Bell on

November 7, 2017

Thats it! You have had enough. Someone around you has done the very thing you hate. Almost immediately, you see red. Or maybe the anger slowly brews and builds rage over a long period of time.

What is really happening underneath the anger? Some mental health professionals refer to anger as a secondary emotion. According to Dr. Harry Mills, anger is the emotion we are most aware we are experiencing. However, anger usually just hides the presence of deeper and less comfortable emotions like sadness, guilt, embarrassment, hurt, fear, etc.

The Anger Umbrella

If umbrellas are protective devices that we use to shield ourselves from exposure to the elements, then we can see anger in a similar way. Anger can seem like an exhibition of power, potentially making a threatening presence back away. It can be loud, volatile and tense. Clinical and forensic psychologist, Dr. Steven Diamond explains that this can be very useful in the face of a true threat. Suppose an attacker lunges at you and you have nowhere to go. Anger would propel you into defense mode much more than fear, possibly saving your life.

But what anger can also do is shield others and sometimes ourselves from seeing the pain, embarrassment or other more vulnerable emotions that exist underneath. If your friend or spouses actions have triggered hurt for you and you believe feeling hurt may show weakness, being mad is likely to step in to try to ensure that no one takes advantage.

Anger and the brain

Interestingly, the brain moves us very quickly from these primary emotions to anger. It can happen so fast that we hardly even notice the switch unless we are aware enough to do some reflective backtracking. Dr. Seltzer describes how the brain releases the hormone, norepinephrine, into the bloodstream to numb mental or physical pain during an mad response. Basically, the brain uses anger to hide pain.

The Truth Shall Make You Free

Why is it important to expose the truth behind your anger? Because dealing with the root issue is much more effective than simply managing the anger symptoms. Oftentimes, in sessions with clients, I find that anger dissolves once the actual emotions behind them are identified. I can visibly see anger give way to the revelation of sadness or embarrassment. Once the client is honest about his thoughts and feelings, he is better able to process and heal from the root issue. The next time you recognize yourself responding in anger, try working through the following steps:

What thoughts are connected to the anger? Suppose you are angry with your partner about not spending time with you. You may be thinking, He doesnt want to spend time with me which may lead to the thought, He doesnt think Im worth spending time with.
What other feelings come up? When you identify the thoughts connected with the anger, you can then work through the deeper emotions connected to the thoughts. Take a moment to sit with the thought. Maybe you can journal about it. For instance, if you say to yourself, My partner doesn’t think that Im worth spending time with. This may uncover feelings of sadness, hurt or low self-worth from beneath the irritation.
What do I do with what I have? Now that the thoughts and emotions within the anger have been identified, it is time to work through them and decide how you can respond in a way you value. Having new information about how you are thinking and feeling might give rise to new issues that need to be addressed. In the example above, you realize your belief is your partner does not think you are worth spending time with and this is connected to feelings of hurt and low self-worth. This enables you to talk with your partner from a more self-aware position and potentially improves understanding. You could also talk to yourself about your beliefs. Take time to consider how you determine your self-worth and if it is healthy.

Living Life Uncovered

You might notice that developing a habit of hiding painful emotions leads to habitual rage. Such a lifestyle of anger destroys relationships and creates bitterness. Have the courage to allow yourself to own the truth of your experience. Otherwise, holding onto hostility can keep you stuck.

There is a time and a place for anger to be expressed in healthy ways. Stay tuned for the follow-up to this blog to find out what healthy anger looks like.

Additional Resources:

Using Anger Constructively – An Angry Bird Philosophy

Contributed by Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

See these articles about anger:

The Science of Quiet

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Good Anger: A Fire Contained

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Categories : Anger Management, Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Awareness, Sticky, Stress Management

Tags : anger management, anxiety, Communication, emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, self-awareness, stress management

The Secret Life of the Introvert

Posted by Shani Bell on

January 12, 2017

· No Comments

The Myth

Are you the life of the party? The center of attention wherever you go? Then, clearly you are an extrovert, right? Not necessarily. Traits like being outgoing, friendly and confident tend to be more closely associated with extroverts than with introverts based on public knowledge of these terms, but these are not the real tell-tale signs. If we take a closer look at the essence of an introvert, we might find some hidden introverts among the class of outgoing attention-getters.

The Science

According to researcher Jonathan Cheek, there are actually four different types of introverts. His STAR model includes social, thinking, anxious and restrained. The first type, social, more closely fits the common understanding of introvert. This describes someone who is not timid but avoids the crowd and would prefer to stay home alone than party with friends. The thinker is a type who is described as imaginative and introspective rather than nonsocial. Those who are considered the anxious type are, like the social type, more socially averse. Their dislike of the crowd is due more to fear than personal preference. Finally, the restrained type is simply slower to get moving. These introverts tend to take their time processing information, thinking deeply before responding to a situation. But that does not mean that once they get going, they shy away from a social situation.

Scott Barry Kaufmann, finds that there are thinkers and restrained types that still score highly for in enthusiasm and assertiveness, traits people usually associate with being extroverted. Kaufman even stated that the social- and anxious-introvert may have an inward aversion to crowds but still have a desire to be highly social that causes them to move past their apprehensions. You might actually know (or be) an introvert who pushes herself to be a social butterfly.

So the science shows that determining the introvert is not quite as simple as comparing wallflowers to superstars. People are typically on a spectrum somewhere between introversion and extroversion. And introversion, itself, is a mixture of factors, such as introspection and level of sensitivity to the environment, that go beyond sociability.

The Point

Who really cares? You may wonder what the importance is of understanding introversion as a trait. Self-awareness and understanding those in your circle are key to properly caring for your own needs and knowing how to interact positively with others. Comprehending the tendencies of an introvert can help you identify when to give yourself or others space to re-energize. Knowing that you or a loved one may operate differently can lead to a greater sense of acceptance that nurtures positive relationship, either with yourself or the introvert in your life.

The Test

Do you think you are an introvert? Take this short test to see if you are and where you fit: http://www.quietrev.com/the-introvert-test/

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky, The Human Brain

Tags : emotional intelligence, human brain, mental health, self-awareness, social skills

Inner Conflict: The Refining Fire

Posted by Shani Bell on

September 13, 2016

· No Comments

Heartburn?

People tend to think of internal conflict as torturous personal turmoil. A big decision must be made or a circumstance must be handled. You wrestle with yourself in the middle of the night and feverishly try pushing uncomfortable thoughts out of your mind all day. You view the internal conflict, itself, as the problem and you struggle against it or try to ignore it. But imagine how your experience might be different if you consciously and compassionately acknowledged the presence of differing opinions within yourself?

The healthiest way to respond to nagging discomfort of inner conflict is to face it. By facing inner conflict, you have the opportunity to gain a strengthened sense of self, better problem-solving skills, increased authenticity, more self-compassion and increased integrity. But there’s no need to gather weapons and scream your battle cry. The conflict is not the enemy. Think of it like a puzzle that requires mindful and nonjudgmental investigation.

Or Friendly Fire…

Linda Adams, President of Gordon Training International, says that when we truly look at our inner conflict, without judgment, and commit to healthy resolution, we become more of our authentic selves and more aware of our needs.

One way to approach inner conflict is to:

Make a list or chart of the varying options with which you are struggling.
Beside each, list the reasons why you would find this option valuable
Then list the perceived consequences or opportunity costs for each option

Now you have externalized your inner conflict so that you can take a more objective view. As you investigate, you might notice that you are considering certain options because they are what you “should” do. From Dr. Miki Kashtan’s perspective, this implies the presence of an externally imposed value from sources like your community, friends or family. You might notice that these do not exactly mesh with values that are authentic to you. The result is the discomfort of conflict. As you mindfully consider your inner conflict, you might find other sources of discomfort such as fear, unmet needs or perceived personal limitations. Whatever needs, values and insights are discovered, allow yourself the space and compassion to honestly acknowledge them.

When you become more aware of the sources of your conflict, you gain clarity about what is important to you. Only then can you make choices from a position of self-awareness. Many times the push and pull of personal decision making comes from our view that for any one problem, there are two possible,and polar opposite choices. “I will go to work or I will call in sick and go to the game” for example. It becomes an either/or dilemma. Dr. Kashtan highlights the limitations of either/or thinking, which gives the impression that sacrifice of one need or another is always necessary to resolve inner conflict. She instead proposes devising a strategy that allows you to attend to as many needs and values as possible. By investigating your desire to go to the game, you uncover a need to fully experience and enjoy life. You also value integrity which leads to uneasiness about lying to your boss. Knowing this, is it possible to find an event that allows you to enjoy life while maintaining your integrity and going to work?

Addressing internal conflict while making life decisions can become a complex adventure. If you need help finding your way, consider contacting a mental health professional in your area.

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management

Tags : anxiety issues, counseling, emotional intelligence, mental health, mindfulness, Problem Solving, self-care practices, stress management

Lessons on Materialism as Told by Rock ‘n’ Roll Legends

Posted by Manet Castaneda on

July 20, 2016

· No Comments

We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with images of celebrities and their flawless bodies, luxurious homes, the latest fashion trends, and the coolest gadgets. In the midst of all of these things it can be easy to be swayed towards the belief that we are supposed to live our lives according to the standards that society sets for us. Consider the following questions:

Do you believe that you would be happier if you just had more money?
Do you envy those who have nicer belongings than you do?
Do you and your partner worry about accumulating wealth and assets?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider whether you are placing a high level of importance on acquiring wealth, and if so, what potential side effects this type of thinking may have on your life and relationships.

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

The Rolling Stones may have been on to something when they wrote I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, referring to not being satisfied by material things despite trying. Interestingly, according to Carolyn Gregorie of The Huffington Post, Americans have more cars and eat out more than they did roughly 50 years ago. However, despite having more, Americans are still not happier. Research has found that, although the levels of consumption have risen in the past 50 years, Americans’ overall wellbeing has declined.

You may be asking yourself, “Why does this all matter?” Well, if you believe that the solution to your problems is having more, you may want to take note that research has found having more does not necessarily mean you will be happier. In fact, it has found that those who work towards accumulating wealth and assets have a tendency to experience less positive emotions throughout their day and are less satisfied than those who do not pursue wealth.

Money Talks

In AC/DC’s popular song, Money Talks, part of the chorus says “Come on, come on, love me for the money,” as if having large amounts of money can make someone fall in love with you. Interestingly, research has shown that individuals who are materialistic may find themselves in unhappy relationships compared to those who do not place importance on their belongings and the acquisition of more. Jason Carroll, professor of family life at Brigham Young University found this is true for all income classes. Additionally, his study found that the least satisfying marriages were those in which both partners placed great importance on their possessions.

Carroll and his research team developed theories as to how materialism can affect a relationship, and they believe that it could be that those couples who spend more time focusing on accumulating wealth spend less time working on strengthening their relationship. Another theory that Carroll and his team considered was that reckless spending habits caused couples to have more stress and more discussions. Therefore they were more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationship.

Welcome to the Hotel California

The Eagles give their listeners a glimpse into the powerful trap of materialism in their popular song, Hotel California. The lyrics of the song paint a picture of a man caught in the life of luxury at the Hotel California, only to realize too late that he and everyone there “are all just prisoners… of [their] own device.” As if the effects of materialism listed above were not worrisome enough, studies have found that individuals who are materialistic are also more insecure, anxious, and depressed than those individuals who are not materialistic.

In a different study, psychologist Galen V. Bodenhausen and his team of researchers found that students who were exposed to images of luxury items and words compared to students who were exposed to nature scenes, rated themselves higher in anxiety and depression than the other students. This research is important because it indicates that people who have a mind frame of materialism may have higher levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to those individuals who do not.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

We live in a society that applies a great deal of pressure on its consumers to have more in order to be “happy.” We have been led to believe that satisfaction will come from collecting material things. However, this way of thinking does not guarantee happiness, stable relationships, or a reduction in anxiety and depression. In fact, being materialistic seems to provide the complete opposite by leading to less satisfaction, strained relationships, and higher levels of anxiety and depression.

If living the life of a rock ‘n’ roll star is not the way towards a life of happiness and fulfillment, then how do you find satisfaction? Perhaps it might be found in engaging in the opposite of materialism, gratitude. Recent studies on happiness suggest that having deep feelings of gratitude beyond good manners could contribute largely to our happiness. With all of this in mind, just remember the wise words of Axl Rose, ” nothin’ lasts forever, even cold November rain.”

Manet Castaneda

Practicum Student Therapist

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform.

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Sticky, Stress Management

Tags : cognitive reframing, counseling, couples, depression, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, gratitude, marriage, mental health, mindfulness practice, Problem Solving, relationships, self-esteem, stress manage, stress management

Add Flavor to Mindfulness with Color and Music?

Posted by Shani Bell on

March 15, 2016

· No Comments

There has been much focus lately on the benefits of mindfulness, a practice that encourages focused attention and self-acceptance in the present moment. You may know about mindfulness through methods like meditation, prayer and yoga. But what might happen to your mindfulness practice if you added a little art or music?

Why Try Mindfulness?

Why practice mindfulness in the first place? Research shows that mindfulness increases focus and can decrease symptoms related to stress, anxiety, fatigue, depression, chronic pain, sleep problems and high blood pressure. Baer informs us that mindfulness encourages people to focus on present thoughts and emotions in a way that is accepting and curious rather than judgmental. Being hypercritical of thoughts and emotions can cause us to push them away increasing stress and tension. We find ourselves saying things like, “Ugh! I shouldn’t feel this way!” It is better to acknowledge thoughts and feelings for what they are and begin the process of self-regulation. With mindfulness, we increase our present, personal and environmental awareness. We can then take the opportunity to curiously observe and honestly observe our inner experience, labeling what is happening, accepting it as it is and then releasing it with a prayer or meditative statement.

Artful Awareness

Therapeutic approaches like Mindfulness-Based Art Therapy (MBAT) have found similarities between creative and mindfulness practices. These two practices can be combined to enhance their effectiveness. Activities like drawing, playing an instrument, listening to music or writing poetry require single-task concentration that reflects the same sort of present-awareness needed to participate in mindfulness.

Consider this. When an artist draws her subject, she must observe it closely, recognizing the shape and position of the subject, noticing the folds and creases. She would not be likely to see these details if she were just observing that same thing in passing. With a mindful stance she can more adequately depict the subject of her art. The more the artist practices this type of art, the more she finds her ability to “see” improves. In learning to play music, the body and mind are fully engaged in the singular task of creating sound. The fingers are positioned, the body is postured and the mind is alert. The more the musician practices, the more natural his movements and the flow of music become.

When incorporating the arts into mindfulness practice, skill level in playing music or creating artwork is not the focus. The intention is to use the creative process to stay engaged and increase the focus on the present experience: what you see, think, hear and how you are inwardly responding. Use the art as an anchor to maintain present focus when the mind starts to wander.

So, what are some examples of ways you could incorporate creativity into your mindfulness practice?

Try blind contour drawing. Choose a drawing utensil (marker, pencil, chalk, etc.) and a piece of paper. Find a subject in your environment and focus in on it. While your eyes trace the lines and shapes of the subject, move your drawing utensil in unison, drawing one contiguous line but WITHOUT looking at your paper. This exercise requires deep concentration. To process troubling emotions, try finding a subject that is related to the issue at hand. For example, if you are having a disagreement with a family member that is causing you distress, find a picture of that person and use this as the subject of your contour drawing. Allow yourself to be non-judgmentally present with any feelings that may arise. You might even try journaling after the exercise. Couples could practice present awareness with each other by creating a blind contour drawing of their partner.

Blind contour drawing of a hand

Find time alone to play an instrument like the drums or the piano. Try closing your eyes while playing and improvising or playing by ear. As you do this, observe the changes in your bodily responses as well as what emotions or imagery come up for you during this creative experience.

If you do not have access to an instrument or do not feel musically inclined, you can listen to music mindfully. Choose a particular song or genre of music to which you feel connected. Pay attention to the characteristics of the song: beat, changes in tempo, harmony, melody, etc. Notice how the visceral responses in your body and emotions respond. Identify the mood of the song and how this connects to your inner experience. If the song has lyrics, notice what words or verses stand out to you.

There are a myriad of ways that the arts can be used to engage your senses and keep you inspired to stay present. Be creative and find what works for you. As you develop a lifestyle of mindfulness, you will likely find a deeper understanding of yourself and a greater sense of the world around you.

If you are seeking a professional to help you to gain awareness and personal insight, please contact us at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute.

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S and Dr. Sheryl Corbit, EdD, ATR-BC, LPC-AT/S

References

Baer, R. A. (2003). Mindfulness training as a clinical intervention: A conceptual and empirical review. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10, 125–143. Retrieved from http://www.ecsa.ucl.ac.be/personnel/philippot/DocStudents/baer%202003%20mindfulness%20training%20as%20clinical%20intervention.pdf

Eckhardt, K. J. and Dinsmore, J. A. (2012). Mindful music listening as a potential treatment for depression. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 7, 176-186. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15401383.2012.685020

Grant, A. M., Langer, E. J., Falk, E. & Capodilupo, C. (2004). Mindful creativity: Drawing to draw distinctions. Creativity Research Journal, 16, 261-265. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10400419.2004.9651457

Monti, D. A., Peterson, C., Shakin Kunkel, E. J., Hauck, W. W., Pequignot, E., Rhodes, L., & Brainard, G. C. (2006). A randomized, controlled trial of Mindfulness-Based Art Therapy (MBAT) for women with cancer. Psycho-Oncology, 15, 363–373. Retrieved from http://www.mindfullart.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Controlled-Triall-2005.pdf

Oyan, S. (2006). Mindfulness meditation: Creative musical performance through awareness. Retrieved from http://etd.lsu.edu/docs/available/etd-03312006-164516/unrestricted/Oyan_dis.pdf

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Depression, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management

Tags : anxiety, anxiety and panic, counseling, depression, emotional intelligence, mental health, mindfulness, mindfulness practice, self-care, Self-Care Practice, self-care practices, stress management

Perfectionville: Population Zero

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

March 18, 2014

It starts as early as we can remember. We make a mistake, we are corrected, and we strive to never make that mistake again. In that moment, a fictional destination is created: Perfection. As we grow and learn, we begin to subscribe to countless myths that suggest we must live perfectly. These myths often go unchallenged, and even unrealized. What if we were to take a moment to truly consider the longstanding implications of perfectionism? Were it even possible to attain perfection, what would we truly accomplish? What is the goal of reaching a perfect state?

Perfectionism’s Mark

In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”, Dr. Brene Brown reminds us that “perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.” Rather, perfectionism falsely guarantees us that – with it – we can essentially be safe from pain. Brown shares: “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” Perfectionism, when untamed, can impede productivity, tamper with our self-image, unsteady our relationships and prevent us from enjoying a full life.

The Gifts of Imperfection

Dr. Brene Brown shares her thoughts on the gifts of being imperfect.

Tips on Taming Our Perfectionism

[Tip One] Practice Awareness: Those who struggle with perfectionism often avoid finishing tasks for fear of falling short of the ideal. Along the way, one can become frustrated with his imperfect work. Ironically, obsessing over perfect work competes with actually working! Therefore, one can start with an awareness of perfectionism when it begins to overtake. Once we are aware of it, it can help to remember that the perfect goal is merely a motivator, not a reality. And in the even grander scheme, whatever we do or produce can be seen as a single step in our learning; it is always there for revision and further development!

[Tip Two] Practice Forgiveness and Self-acceptance: Imagine one who constantly measures herself to perfect standards. What happens to her self-esteem or self-image? Like chasing the horizon, the fruitless pursuit of perfection can quickly deplete morale and self-efficacy. Therefore, it is crucial to guard ourselves by practicing forgiveness of imperfections, and eventually accepting our imperfections as gifts. Each mistake or shortcoming is an opportunity for growth, learning, and self-acceptance.

[Tip Three] Practice Vulnerability: Being in relationship with a perfectionist guarantees a struggle with high expectations. We can start by asking ourselves: Do we expect perfection from ourselves in relationships to receive love? Do we expect perfection from others in order to give love? The implicit message we often learn from a young age is: If we are imperfect, we will lose love and acceptance. At our core, perfectionism is a place where we are loved and accepted conditionally – rather than for simply being. It is a belief that our worthiness lies in what we are able to do rather than an inborn sense of self-worth. True intimacy comes when we find we have fallen short and still are still loved. It is in these moments that we are awakened to the freeing power of love, freeing us to be ourselves and to love others no matter what. As we all know, it does not take any effort to love perfection. So consider being more of an explorer; explore vulnerability in relationships and patience with any known imperfections.

[Tip Four] Practice Enjoyment! All too often, we allow our ideas or practices to grow into more than we intended. For instance, we allow dieting and exercise to begin to consume us. Rather, we can simply enjoy the practice of a healthy lifestyle while allowing occasional extravagant treats or lazy days. Creating room for our humanity amidst striving to be better is the mark of a beautifully balanced life. And for those of us who struggle with perfectionism, we can simply choose to enjoy our competence, our tenacity, and our drive for greatness – without letting it consume us. We can appreciate perfectionism for what it is, and not allow it to grow beyond where we can still enjoy it.

Perfectionism, by its very nature, demands that we fit into a mold. However, if each of us are unique beings, then we each have a mold of our own, unlike anyone else. As we grow into the fullest versions of ourselves, it will help to practice self-compassion, a sense of humor, honest vulnerability, and fearlessness in our journey. When we can embrace our imperfections, we are becoming more authentic versions of ourselves – and becoming perfectly us.

Check out Celestine Chua’s indicators to help us spot if we, ourselves, struggle with perfectionism. Enjoy the journey!

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Tags : anxiety, compassion, counseling, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, patience, perfectionism, self-care

Healing Practice: Laughter Really is Serious Medicine

Posted by JenniferChristian on

July 30, 2013

· 2 Comments

This is our fifth post in a series where we explore daily practices that nurture and encourage healing. Our last post discussed the benefits of nurturing sleep. This post explores the many ways that laughter improves our mental well being, social relationships, and physical health.

Consider how exercise routines promote physical health. What if adding workout reps of laughter could improve our health just as effectively? Before reading this article, take 30 seconds to begin the first laughter workout for the day:

It's Not The Miles, But How You Live Them

Volkswagon Smiles Commercial

Improves Relationships

Laughter is a universal language that brings people together. Shared laughter breaks down barriers, builds trust, and creates connection. Laughter has the power to de-escalate conflict and bring about creative and flexible solutions to challenges. When we laugh, dopamine is released and opens up pathways in the brain that help us discover novel solutions. According to Ellen Weber and Jeane Segal, “humor and playful communication strengthen our relationships by triggering positive feelings and fostering emotional connection. When we laugh with one another, a positive bond is created. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment.” Just think of all of the ways humor can improve communication in marriage relationships, strengthen parent-child relationships, and deepen friendships.

Social Benefits of Laughter

Builds relationships

Creates intimacy

Enhances teamwork (forms powerful group bonds)

Defuses Conflict

Laughter Promotes Learning

Remember the old adage, “This is no laughing matter?” It turns out that the more serious an issue is, the more important it is to cultivate laughter. According to Ellen Weber, lectures work against the human brain and our ability to learn. We retain only 5% of the content. When information is paired with humor, our brain pathways light up, and we are able to connect with material in novel ways. We retain and assimilate the material with more ease.

Improves Physical and Mental Health

Laughter is powerful medicine when it comes to the body. When we laugh, endorphins are released in the brain. Endorpins are the “feel good” chemicals that flood our bodies with a sense of well-being. Endorphins also temporalily decrease pain. Laughter reduces stress as it relieves physical tension and relaxes muscles in the body. Laughter increases our ability to fight disease as it decreases stress hormones and increases our immune system.

Phyical Benefits

Prevents heart disease

Lowers stress hormones

Decreases pain

Boosts immune system

Relaxes muscles

Mental Health Benefits

Adds joy and zest to life

Eases anxiety and fear

Relieves stress

Improves Mood

Enhances Resilience

Eases loss, grief, and trauma

Here is one more 40 second laughter workout to light up your day:

Best Ever Laughing Baby

Look for ways to add more laughter into each day. Seek out ways to cultivate laughter in relationships. Remember laughing is some of the best medicine when it comes to physical health, intimate bonds, and mental well-being. Laughter really is a serious matter.

Pallab Ghosh: Study Reveals Laughter Really is the Best Medicine

Linda Graham: Laughter

Melinda Smith and Jeanne Segal: Laughter is the Best Medicine

Ellen Weber: A Brain on Laughter

Ellen Weber: Target Multiple Intelligences – Run from Lectures

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Communication, Counseling, Couples, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Play Therapy, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky, Stress Management

Tags : anxiety, Communication, couples, emotional intelligence, emotions, emotions and relationships, Marital Satisfaction, marriage, mental health, parenting, self-care, stress management

Befriending Anxiety

Posted by Scott Rampy on

May 30, 2013

· 1 Comment

The world would be quite a dangerous place without pain. It may seem odd but imagine the potential damage if a person did not have an instinctive, natural response when something was causing them harm. When someone accidentally places a hand on a hot stove their brain receives a near instantaneous response that this is causing them harm. They automatically jerk their hand away and prevent a more harmful burn. While pain is something we naturally want to avoid, it is a good and necessary part of life. We are wise to listen to what it communicates to us.

This is the same approach that Susan Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer apply to anxiety and our emotional experiences in their excellent book The Mindful Way Through Anxiety. Unwanted emotion like anxiety is the mind’s way of communicating that something in one’s life is out of sorts. It is an alarm that something needs to be corrected. Unlike with physical pain, however, people do not come equipped with an automatic response to correct the problem. Sometimes it isn’t even clear what the source of the pain is. Just as it is harmful to attempt to ignore the communication of pain from a hand on a stove, Orsillo and Roemer suggest it is likewise harmful not to attend to our emotions. Yet, in an effort to remove the emotional discomfort, people often devise various ways of distracting and ignoring.

What if instead, one was to turn attention toward painful emotion? Orsillo and Roemer advocate developing “an accepting and mindful stance toward emotions and be[ing] willing to experience the full range of emotions that arise when you fully participate in life.” This perspective opposes the two common beliefs that humans are able to eliminate negative emotions from their lives and that doing so will lead to a happier, fuller life. Rather, “humans are hard-wired to feel anxious when in a threatening situation. No amount of self-control and determination can override that natural response.” The struggle to escape by controlling anxiety tends to, like a person caught in quicksand, only suck one down further into its grip. Mindfulness is one way of cultivating a friendly, curious, and compassionate response toward anxiety and other emotional experiences allowing them to serve their natural purpose.

To find out more about this book, check out their website mindfulwaythroughanxietybook.com or the book’s Amazon page.

For more from Fuller Life Family Therapy on dealing with anxiety try “Create Balance: Living Well in the Midst of Anxiety” or “Creating Happiness.”

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Tags : anxiety, compassion, emotional intelligence, emotions, self-care, stress management

Healing Practices: The Importance of Play

Posted by JenniferChristian on

April 23, 2013

This is our second post in a series where we explore daily practices that nurture and encourage healing. Our last post discussed the “Healing Power of Beautiful Spaces.”

Daily habits can contribute to increased levels of happiness and contentment. Several practices have been proven to decrease levels of anxiety and depression. Moreover, we can increase the functionality of our immune systems, and our feelings of well being. Just as we pick up our toothbrush every day, we can begin to create new habits that influence the way we feel.

The Importance of Play

Life is far too serious a matter to take too seriously. Jon Kabat-Zinn

What happens to play when we are adults? We watch as our children run, jump, explore, and pretend. They get lost in their imaginations and lose sight of their inhibitions. Then, somewhere along the years, we receive the message that we need to start acting our age. Unfortunately, when we stop making time for play, we become more stressed, and our feelings of happiness and well-being diminish.

Enhances Well-Being

The opposite of play is not work… it is depression. Stuart Brown

Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, explores ten research driven “guideposts” we can cultivate to live more fully. “Cultivating Play and Rest” is the seventh guidepost. In her blog, Brown describes her journey in learning to incorporate the practice of play into her own life:

In our culture our TO-DO lists are so extensive that we feel like slackers if we are not working to check off tasks every single minute of the day and night. Even sleep has started to feel self-indulgent. Stuart Brown identifies losing track of time as an important property of play. Understanding this property of play has taught me a lot about myself. For me, nesting is play. Piddling around my house is play. Editing photos is play…

Play is essential to creating balance in our modern life. Sometimes we treat ourselves like machines, as we work longer and harder hours to meet the demands of an ever-increasing workload and responsibilities. The demands continue to pile on, in spite of our efforts, until we feel overwhelmed and burned-out. This endless treadmill of tasks and demands can affect health and relationships as it can lead to depression, anxiety, or anger.

When we allow ourselves time for rest and play, we begin to feel human again. “Because work is where we spend much of our time, it is especially important for us to play during work. Without some recreation, our work suffers. Success at work does not depend on the amount of time you work. It depends upon the quality of your work. And the quality of your work is highly dependent on your well-being.” (Gina Kemp, M.A., Melinda Smith, M.A., Bernie DeKoven, and Jeanne Segal, 2012)

What is Play?

In his book, Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, Stuart Brown lists seven properties of play:

Play is voluntary
It makes you feel good
It is fun without a purpose
We lose track of time
In the midst of play we forget to be self-conscious
The process of play encourages improvisation. It is not rigid.
Play creates a desire to continue (We get hooked because it feels good!)

Mind-Body Connection

What happens when we actively schedule time for play into our daily lives? Our brain lights up!

Play improves cognitive abilities such as problem solving skills and memory.
Play improves relationships with others as it increases flexibility, fosters creativity, improves social skills, and reduces stress.
Play spices up our loves life as it fosters, joy, bonding, trust, and intimacy.
Play releases endorphins (the “feel good” hormone) into the body.

Make Time for Play

Play is an essential element of mental health. The next time someone says, “You should act your age,” remember the tremendous benefits of play for the mind, body, and relationships. Take some time this week to run out and explore, pretend, laugh, and play a pointless game with a friend. Make time to play.

Stuart Brown: Play is More than Fun

Stuart Brown: Plenty of play in childhood makes for happy, smart adults -- and keeping it up can make us smarter at any age.

More Resources on Play

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Couples, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky, Stress Management, The Human Brain

Tags : couples, emotional intelligence, emotions, marriage, mental health, parenting, relationships, self-care practices, social skills, stress management

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Archive for emotional intelligence

The Anger Umbrella

Anger and the brain

The Truth Shall Make You Free

Living Life Uncovered

The Myth

The Science

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The Gifts of Imperfection

It's Not The Miles, But How You Live Them

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Stuart Brown: Play is More than Fun

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Call Us: (855) 245-5433

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