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The Shift We Need to Save Our Kids

June 25, 2014

This article starts an ongoing series, titled “How To Save Our Kids”, in an attempt to support our teens and families more. Stay tuned-in to the Fuller Life Family Therapy Blog for more on this topic!

At any given point in our human history, our culture keeps no secrets as to its ailments. Rather, our culture mercifully shows us how it hurts through symptoms. To face the sometimes ugly wounds of our culture is uncomfortable, to say the least. However, if we are able to tolerate that discomfort long enough to listen, we can hear exactly where we are hurting in our societal family. In the wake of the most recent U.S. school shooting, we are at a staggering 74 shootings since the tragic Sandy Hook shooting in December of 2012. We, as a culture, are hurting; and our kids are taking the hit for us.

There is a rapidly growing body of literature on the shifting needs of a better state- and nation-wide mental health system, however the buck does not stop with policy makers and proper legislation. If we trace this state of unrest and violence to the source – where do we truly find ourselves? What drives a child or adolescent to become so angry, so alone, and so filled with fear? A young person who is driven to an act of violence that implicates their entire school must not feel supported, encouraged or cared for. The emotional and psychological needs of our children go by the wayside if our adults are unable to care for them. So the issue we have on our hands is not limited to our young people, but rather implicates our entire society at large: We, as a culture, are being called to boldly reprioritize our value system and place mental health at the top. Whether we are a parent, a relative, a teacher or simply a U.S. citizen – each of us comes into contact with adolescents and therefore bears a role. Here are a few self-reflective questions to help us get started in reprioritizing, and responding lovingly – yet boldly – to the state of things:

How is my own mental health? When is the last time I had a mental health check-up? Dr. Amy Fuller, founder of Fuller Life Family Therapy, recommends routine mental health check-ups as frequent as every six months. Every human person requires physical care, mental care and emotional care. Can we properly support our young people if we, ourselves, are hurting? Mental Health America (MHA) offers free initial screenings online for four of the most common pitfalls in mental health. Check out the following ten tips from MHA on how to take care of ourselves holistically! [Click each tip for more information.]

Do I know what the typical teenager is struggling with in contemporary culture? We, as adults, are working hard and doing what is necessary to provide for ourselves and our families. It stands to reason that we might see this as top-priority! However, our teenagers are busy waging wars in their social circles and within themselves. They are learning new, and often troubling things, as they cross the bridge from childhood to adolescence. It can be traumatic, scary and incredibly confusing. We cannot forget to be there for our adolescents as they experience this jarring transition; this is our new priority. Issues like suicide, sex, drugs, alcohol, and social media concerns are bombarding our kid’s minds and hearts through every channel on a daily basis. Our role as adults is to stay connected with our young people to help them feel supported and safe as they learn and grow. Though we can only go so far to protect the minds and hearts of our young people, we can stay current with their culture and learn how it affects them. If we are unfamiliar with what is out there – why not start boning up on pop culture and learning what is important to our kids? The Center for Parent/Youth Understanding is a brilliant resource to begin familiarizing ourselves with what is trending in youth culture. Though it is geared towards parents, this website has something for each of us to learn about youth culture.

How do I communicate with the young people I come into contact with? If we want our young people to feel supported, we must learn to keep open lines of honest communication with adolescents. Statistically speaking, roughly 20 to 40 percent of teens will experience more than one episode of depression, lasting an average of eight months within a period of two years; 70 percent of troubled teens will experience another episode before adulthood (Source: Parent Resources). What this means to us is that – at any given time – our teens have at least one thing on their minds and hearts that has potential to bring them down. Perhaps our teens desperately need to talk, but need the adults in their lives to be the ones to reach out. So how do we reach out in a way that can truly reach our young ones? We can start with these initial tips, borrowed from adolescent expert Dr. Michele Borba:

1. Rather than multitask, give your full attention to teens when they speak to you.

2. Practice empathy rather than advice-giving.

3. Routinely ask if there is anything on a teens mind or heart. If you get a wall, you can gently ask again. Then simply let them know you are there for them.

4. Empower teens by asking questions about their thoughts and opinions.

5. Respect young people and the journey they are on. Practice patient compassion for the developmental challenges teens are undergoing.

These things, though simple, can help a teen feel a sense of belonging, importance and worth – which naturally and effectively wards off lonely down-spirals of anger and frustration. With the support of a loving and attentive adult, there is no issue that a teen cannot handle. We are living in a time when mental health needs can no longer be on the back burner, and our teens are reminding each of us of our role in helping to heal our culture. Stay tuned into the Fuller Life Family Therapy Blog for more on how to show up for our teens!

Lesley Anne Mendonça

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

A Note on School Shootings:

For more information on school shootings and how to get involved, visit Stop The Shootings. Looking for some tips on how to talk about school shootings with children? Read up on what Dr. Gregory L. Jantz writes in Hope for Relationships for some great tools. We, as a societal family, have an obligation to persevere in caring for one another – and that care must include emotional and psychological well-being. We are called to make an ongoing commitment to lasting change.

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Communication, Parenting, Sticky

Tags : adolescents, adolescents and children, Empathy, parenting, self-care, teenagers

How to Strengthen Our Bonds

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

May 27, 2014

As human beings, there are certain things that we require in order to live healthy, happy lives. We require food and drink for sustenance, sleep and exercise for physical stamina, and daily commitments for a healthy mind. It does not end there, however. We are hard-wired to crave emotional connection with others, and to belong to one another. Emotional connection is a basic human need. Our need for belonging can often go unnoticed or minimized in comparison to our day-to-day responsibilities. And in stressful times, our bonds can be the first thing to go! However, keeping strong bonds with one another is essential to living out healthy and happy lives.

In psychology, the term ‘attachment’ often causes us to think of the bonds formed between babies and caregivers, as defined by John Bowlby decades ago. However, our need to attach to others remains throughout our lifetime. In modern psychology, adult attachment refers to emotional engagement, attention and responsiveness (Johnson, 2004, p. 33). Our need to reach out to others and feel connection and belonging remains well into adulthood, and our sense of well-being is intertwined with the strength of our bonds. The following tips can give us the help we sometimes need to keep our bonds strong and our connections open and flowing.

[Incorporate vulnerability.] Vulnerability is one of the least pleasant feelings to experience, and yet it can do the most good for our relationships. One easy tip to practice more vulnerability in our relationships is to simply change the type of conversations we have. When we spend a little more time admitting the honesty of our feelings with those we love, it often engages others and draws them in closer. It is possible, however, that some of our loved ones are not yet equipped to respond well to our vulnerable moments. If we choose to risk vulnerability with someone who responds poorly, we might begin to build even more walls. Therefore, it can help to notice those who respond to our feelings with empathy and care. We can then choose who we want to risk vulnerability with. Vulnerability researcher Brene Brown has written countless books on this very subject, and offers guideposts on how to embrace vulnerability daily. Finally, we must learn to recognize when others are risking vulnerability and work to be emotionally accessible and responsive. This is equally as important in strengthening bonds.

[Gain insight into the self.] Practicing self-awareness will always be an asset to emotional health. To know oneself means to know ones strengths and limitations, and to know ones potential woundedness, as well. Our limitations, though uncomfortable to experience, serve as a beautiful access point for others to connect with us. We can also practice mindfulness of our moment-to-moment emotional state, and use our insight for more guided navigation in our relationships. Attachment theorist, Sue Johnson, points out that fear and uncertainty activate attachment needs. What this means is that when we are under duress, our need for connection grows even stronger. We can use this knowledge to our benefit by working to skillfully reach for support when we are most in need of it. Finally, we must not forget to love ourselves and others, even when the going gets rough. Brene Brown shares, “How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential…: loving ourselves.”

[Lean into discomfort.] When we are able to find comfort in one another, it feeds our need for connection beautifully. In moments such as these, we can build on our experience. For example, we can notice when someone responds to us with empathy and intentionally thank them for their support. When we tell others how much their support means, we increase the likelihood for connection to occur again – thus strengthening the bond. We can also experience great discomfort in reaching out – especially if we are not responded to well. However, never fear the discomfort! It is in our least comfortable moments that we can do the most growing. The most important thing to realize is that our goal is to be connected, which might sometimes not involve instant comfort. However, comfort will grow with practice in the presence of empathy and compassion! Brown says that “vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”

In the process of strengthening our ties to one another, it is imperative to see the work we do through the lens of love. When our bonds are stressed, when we feel the pangs of disappointment, when our efforts towards vulnerability are thwarted – we need not be distracted from our purpose – love. We are not pursuing just any type of connection, we are pursuing loving connection. And we are fighting for the love in our lives, which will inevitably involve struggle, discomfort and frustration. We can thank these growing pains for the loving ties we have!

Johnson, S. M. (2004). Creating connection: The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy. New York, NY: Routledge.

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Compassion, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Tags : bonding, Communication, connection, Empathy, relationships, self-awareness, self-compassion

Perfectionville: Population Zero

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

March 18, 2014

It starts as early as we can remember. We make a mistake, we are corrected, and we strive to never make that mistake again. In that moment, a fictional destination is created: Perfection. As we grow and learn, we begin to subscribe to countless myths that suggest we must live perfectly. These myths often go unchallenged, and even unrealized. What if we were to take a moment to truly consider the longstanding implications of perfectionism? Were it even possible to attain perfection, what would we truly accomplish? What is the goal of reaching a perfect state?

Perfectionism’s Mark

In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”, Dr. Brene Brown reminds us that “perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.” Rather, perfectionism falsely guarantees us that – with it – we can essentially be safe from pain. Brown shares: “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” Perfectionism, when untamed, can impede productivity, tamper with our self-image, unsteady our relationships and prevent us from enjoying a full life.

The Gifts of Imperfection

Dr. Brene Brown shares her thoughts on the gifts of being imperfect.

Tips on Taming Our Perfectionism

[Tip One] Practice Awareness: Those who struggle with perfectionism often avoid finishing tasks for fear of falling short of the ideal. Along the way, one can become frustrated with his imperfect work. Ironically, obsessing over perfect work competes with actually working! Therefore, one can start with an awareness of perfectionism when it begins to overtake. Once we are aware of it, it can help to remember that the perfect goal is merely a motivator, not a reality. And in the even grander scheme, whatever we do or produce can be seen as a single step in our learning; it is always there for revision and further development!

[Tip Two] Practice Forgiveness and Self-acceptance: Imagine one who constantly measures herself to perfect standards. What happens to her self-esteem or self-image? Like chasing the horizon, the fruitless pursuit of perfection can quickly deplete morale and self-efficacy. Therefore, it is crucial to guard ourselves by practicing forgiveness of imperfections, and eventually accepting our imperfections as gifts. Each mistake or shortcoming is an opportunity for growth, learning, and self-acceptance.

[Tip Three] Practice Vulnerability: Being in relationship with a perfectionist guarantees a struggle with high expectations. We can start by asking ourselves: Do we expect perfection from ourselves in relationships to receive love? Do we expect perfection from others in order to give love? The implicit message we often learn from a young age is: If we are imperfect, we will lose love and acceptance. At our core, perfectionism is a place where we are loved and accepted conditionally – rather than for simply being. It is a belief that our worthiness lies in what we are able to do rather than an inborn sense of self-worth. True intimacy comes when we find we have fallen short and still are still loved. It is in these moments that we are awakened to the freeing power of love, freeing us to be ourselves and to love others no matter what. As we all know, it does not take any effort to love perfection. So consider being more of an explorer; explore vulnerability in relationships and patience with any known imperfections.

[Tip Four] Practice Enjoyment! All too often, we allow our ideas or practices to grow into more than we intended. For instance, we allow dieting and exercise to begin to consume us. Rather, we can simply enjoy the practice of a healthy lifestyle while allowing occasional extravagant treats or lazy days. Creating room for our humanity amidst striving to be better is the mark of a beautifully balanced life. And for those of us who struggle with perfectionism, we can simply choose to enjoy our competence, our tenacity, and our drive for greatness – without letting it consume us. We can appreciate perfectionism for what it is, and not allow it to grow beyond where we can still enjoy it.

Perfectionism, by its very nature, demands that we fit into a mold. However, if each of us are unique beings, then we each have a mold of our own, unlike anyone else. As we grow into the fullest versions of ourselves, it will help to practice self-compassion, a sense of humor, honest vulnerability, and fearlessness in our journey. When we can embrace our imperfections, we are becoming more authentic versions of ourselves – and becoming perfectly us.

Check out Celestine Chua’s indicators to help us spot if we, ourselves, struggle with perfectionism. Enjoy the journey!

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Tags : anxiety, compassion, counseling, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, patience, perfectionism, self-care

Five Simple Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

December 3, 2013

With the start of December comes an almost audible, collective tensing-up of family members world-wide. People everywhere are forming lists of tasks to be completed and items to be bought surrounded by the pressure of a competitive timeline. In addition, we may carry an unwritten list in our hearts of things that worry and scare us. We want the holiday season to be a time to focus on what matters most, yet it very quickly turns into a fast-paced game of survival. It is every man for himself! Most of us can relate to this feeling to some degree. If we merely survive the holiday season, we can be left with a sense of loss as it comes to a close.

What if we take a short break from what we brace ourselves for in order to entertain what we hope for this holiday season. Perhaps we hope for reconciliation with a loved one, reflection over a particularly trying year, time spent doing the things we enjoy most, or perhaps merely hope itself. If left unmanaged, the holidays can turn our lives into nothing more than a ‘quick succession of busy nothings,’ as Jane Austen writes. When we practice managing ourselves, we can actively create the rich, profound and blessing-soaked holiday we all hope for. My hope is that these simple steps can help each of us enjoy a holiday that vividly frames our lives with meaning and purpose.

Step One: Get in touch with your hopes. Start imagining what might bring your heart true peace this season. If you struggle in this first step, make a list of the things you value. A list might include exercise, laughter, good food, sleep, and time with a loved one or in nature. Then simply reflect on what insight your list gives you. You may find what you long for is rest, or connection, or safety. The goal here is to identify important goals and spiritual gifts that we might long for, and practice cultivating and receiving it daily.

Step Two: Guard your time. Your time is precious. It may help to budget how much time we want to spend on each task. When you reach the time limit: Stop. When we devote time to things that nurture our heart and soul, we stay connected to our meaning and purpose. Most importantly, set aside at least five minutes each day to sit in reflection or prayer. If this is a new practice for you, try to read up on ways to mindfulness and meditation.

Step Three: Free yourself! We can be the victor over the lists, the demands, the expectations and the increasing volume of the calendar. While we do need to carry on with our tasks, we are never to be made prisoner to them. If we can challenge our ideas of what needs to be done, ask for help whenever possible and practice self-compassion with our limitations – we can successfully free ourselves from feeling so trapped. Remember: We are in charge, not our lists!

Step Four: Lower your standards. In every possible moment during the holiday season, try to distinguish between the pressing and the essential. For example, a slightly messy kitchen may be the price for thirty minutes playing with the children or grandchildren. Consider it well worth the cost. Or perhaps we can let go of trying to do it all for everyone else in order to free up time to nurture our own weary soul. Each of us can likely stand to loosen our grip on perfection so as to receive what matters to us so much more. A meaningful holiday season is built on quality, not quantity. Glance back at your list of values or desired spiritual gifts, and make it a point to receive them this month.

Step Five: Entertain a fresh perspective. So much of our holiday season is contingent on the state of our family relationships. We can sometimes be steered into unrest by irritating family patterns. Perhaps this year’s holiday season is even dreaded, due to very painful family complications. Begin to respond to yourself with self-compassion and self-acceptance right in this moment, no matter the state of your family ties. Then slowly practice letting go of learned patterns. When we bring a fresh perspective to the way we see our family roles, our relationships, and ourselves, we create space to lead more fulfilling lives. Try new ways of relating to yourself and others, and let go of the expected. If the expected shows its face, show it a new side of you. Above all, we can always come back to self-compassion as we all muddle through the messier moments of the holidays; it often has a funny way of trickling over to other hearts as well.

There is an art to having a truly meaningful holiday season, and my prayer is that we can all have fun in the mess of learning it! May we each welcome this holiday season with confidence, focus and peace.

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Blended Families, Boundaries, Centering Prayer, Compassion, Counseling, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Relationships, Spirituality, Sticky, Stress Management, Time Management

Tags : adolescents, anxiety, blended families, boundaries, centering prayer, children, compassion, counseling, emotions, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, mindfulness practice, panic, spirituality, stress management, time management

How to Declutter Our Relationships

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

November 5, 2013

It seems we are living in the age of excess. Some call it the Information Age due to the seemingly limitless volume of information we can both learn about others and present about ourselves. There is a need to learn more, know more, talk more, acquire more, be more. Recent years seem to be characterized by a constant forward motion, fast-paced and infused with ambition and acquisition. And while we can be grateful for such a burgeoning age of life, our relationships can often get clogged with deprioritized issues that creep in and build silently. Patterns begin to develop in our relationships that leave us confused, and a little hurt. The good news is that there are some simple ways to tidy up those relationships, leaving more room for laughter, enjoyment and pure connection. Though these steps seem simple, they ask for something that is sometimes demanding: change. So if, on your journey to decluttering your relationships, you find that you need to reach for some outside help: keep in mind that Fuller Life Family Therapists are at the ready to be your loving guides!

Know yourself

One of the fastest ways to put your therapist out of business is to know yourself, through and through, because that’s half the battle. We are often mysteries unto ourselves, and the act of spending insightful time with ourselves is invaluable. As we build self-understanding, we’re able to claim greater freedom and clarity in our relationships. So start a journal, practice greater self-awareness in your interactions, and make time for self-reflection. In doing so, we can begin to see our strengths, weaknesses, quirks, needs and desires all the more clearly. Knowing ourselves is similar to looking at the room we have decided to tidy: We can’t bring order to the clutter until we first see the room for what it is.

Practice compassion.

When tackling clutter and mess, we can quickly grow hard on ourselves and others. The same can hold true when we begin tackling our relationships. One of the most powerful tools we can have at our disposal when doing this is compassion, both for ourselves and our relationships. Pema Chödrön writes about compassion, saying: “Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden us into resistance” (Chödrön, 2002). So as you uncover those messier areas of your relationships, remember to show compassion towards yourself and those you love. What we can hold onto is that we are worthy of love and connection, no matter what shade or color we find ourselves living in for the day.

Don’t forget to dream-build!

In any legitimate decluttering task, we have to have a plan for what we desire our space to be like. In the same way, we can get in touch with how we wish our relationships to look. An obvious caution to this tip is to stay grounded and connected to reality, so as to keep our vision within reasonable reach. However, we can enjoy the process of journeying into our very unique vision for ourselves and our relationships. One way to start is to begin making a list of what values you’d like to embody, and experience in your relationships. For example, “Connection, patience, laughter, peace, intimacy.” When you’re ready, return to your lists to build your vision into statements, such as “I want us to be more authentic in what we can share with one another,” or “I want to feel more peace throughout my day, no matter what comes my way”. If there are any tricky problem-area’s you want to focus on, reach for resources that can help along the way. For instance, learning to manage anger, anxiety or depression. However you proceed, have fun designing your inner rooms and common areas!

Cultivate a belief in change.

Any sizeable mess can cause us to begin to feel as though it will never be fixable. There is great importance in nurturing your ability to believe in change. A great place to start is to have an awareness of the patterns of your relationships, or perhaps of your own patterns in multiple relationships. As you begin to catch yourself in a familiar pattern, make a small change. You can pause your argument to tell a joke, or start a gratitude list when you’re feeling negativity close in on you. If you notice your words often don’t match what you mean, practice speaking more constructively. If you’re struggling to find your voice, show courage in your relationships through apology, assertion of self and speaking about the things that aren’t typically talked about. As you entertain a spirit of hopefulness for change, you will find yourself able to take incremental steps towards your goals.

Learn to hear your emotions.

American folk singer Jack Johnson sings, “You don’t always have to hold your head higher than your heart.” One of the most wonderful tools we have to use is our emotions. In the same way our stomach pains can tell us we’re hungry, our feelings can alert us when we’re in need of a change. Our anger can serve as a reminder that we’re not happy with how things are going. Guilt can let us know when we’re capable of more love and compassion. And pain can let us know our needs more clearly. So pay attention to your feelings, and grow your insight. If you’re brand new at this, perhaps you can start by taking an extra beat to notice and name your feelings the next time something comes up.

As we apply these guidelines, we can bring our relationships into ones of trust, patience, love and temperance. One last thing: Don’t forget to leave room for imperfection! Imperfection may well be the sweetest part of life, because it’s where our uniqueness can shine through. So where it can be endearing, give yourself permission to enjoy a margin for a little clutter.

Chödrön, P. (2002). The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times. Boston, MA: Shambhala.

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Divorce, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky

Tags : anger management, Communication, compassion, counseling, depression, emotions and relationships, Empathy, gratitude, parenting

What I Made Up In My Mind

Posted by JenniferChristian on

March 26, 2013

We all have filters. Our filters are created from childhood, past relationships, what others modeled for us by their example, and how we intersect with culture. Everyone has different experiences that inform each person’s filters and lenses. These filters are always present in the midst of our relationships and have an effect on how we view others.

Acknowledging our lenses can make a significant difference in our relationships and our level of happiness. “It is not necessarily reality that shapes us, but the lens through which your brain views the world that shapes your reality. If we can change the lens, we can change your happiness.” (Shawn Achor, 2011)

Here is a common example: Three people witness a car accident. When the police interview each witness about the same accident, their stories are different. Each witness ultimately experienced the accident in a different way. Who is telling the truth? Each one of them.

Couples often share this frustrating phenomenon. Something happens. Each person in the couple “knows” exactly what happened. However, for some reason, the other person does not see it the same way. Both partners spend too much time in conflict trying to convince the other person about reality. They both end up moving on without resolution. The problem with this scenario is that each person’s experience is valid. Our reality is shaped through our filters.

What tools can help us avoid this stalemate in our relationships with others?

1. Acknowledge our unique filter: Terrence Real believes a good place to start is acknowledging the lens we use to interpret reality. A handy phrase like, “What I made up in my mind,” can go miles in a relationship and diffuse the emotional rollercoaster we experience when our brains try to fill in the blanks. (Terrence Real, 2008)

Example: A wife promises to call her husband while she is at work before lunch. The phone call never comes. Her boss pulls her into an impromptu meeting that lasts through lunch. Sandwiches are called in. She is unable to make the call. What choice does her husband have? He can either (a) make up possible reasons why she neglected to make the call: “Does she still care?” “Did she lie?” “Did she have a reason to lie?” Or, (b) acknowledge his discomfort and wait until he has a chance to talk with her to learn what happened. Then, he can begin with, “When you did not call, I made up in my mind…” At this point, she has a chance to reassure him that she loves him and explain what happened. The emotional tone is calmer. This phrase allows them to broach a difficult issue, to acknowledge possible hurt feelings, and to hear one another.

2. Practice listening. Shift the goal from trying to win our position to trying to understand the other person. Receiving empathy, feeling like someone really understands where we are coming from, is healing. When we both feel the other person understands, the conflict often loses its steam.

3. Enhance your lens with gratitude: Instead of looking for what is lacking approach relationships from a place of gratitude. Gratitude is an intentional practice and impacts our level of contentment and happiness. In an interview Brené Brown did with Oprah Winfrey about her research with men and women on “Wholehearted” living, Brown responded: “I made a commitment to everybody I knew, that I will never talk about joy for the rest of my career without talking about gratitude, because in 12 years of research, I have never interviewed a single person who talks about the capacity to really experience and soften into joy who does not actively practice gratitude.”

4. Self-compassion. When we talk to ourselves in negative and self-critical ways, it not only affects the way we see ourselves, it impacts the way we view others in a negative way. Our filter becomes one of criticism and negativity. We gain a greater capacity to face our insecurities when we learn to be actively compassionate with ourselves. When we mistakes, we acknowledge the pain and learn that it is and act of kindness to comfort one another. (Link to self-compassion videos by leading experts, Paul Gilbert and Kristin Neff).

In conclusion, relationships are enhanced when we recognize that we all use filters to make meaning of our reality. When we acknowledge the filters and try to understand the other, we are better able to approach difficult issues and create space for healing. We can enhance our lens and become more content in our relationships as we learn self compassion and actively practice gratitude.

Achor, Shawn. (2011). The Happy Secret to Better Work. Video on TED.

Real, Terrence. (2008). The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Gratitude, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Tags : Communication, compassion, counseling, couples, emotions and relationships, Empathy, marriage, relationships, self-care

Anger and Relationships

Posted by JenniferChristian on

March 7, 2013

Many people struggle with anger. We may have numerous, overwhelming commitments to family, home-life, work, school, and community that can leave us feeling depleted and stressed. It seems there are not enough hours in the day. Endless tasks create a feeling of being boxed in (or cornered) with no outlet in sight. When our stressors become overwhelming, and expectations continue to bombard us, we can become defensive and lash out at the people that mean the most to us. Unfortunately, when things calm down, we may feel ashamed at how we treated those we love.

Anger is not an inherently bad emotion. It is one of many emotions that help us navigate the world. Anger alerts us to danger and signals an immediate reaction, influx of hormones and chemicals, and briefly bypasses our ability to think. Think of a tiger as an example. If we come face to face with a tiger, do we want to take time to think, “Do I want to run, or do I want to fight?” No. We want to be fueled by our anger to react to the immediate threat of a tiger, and then, when things have settled, have an opportunity to think about what happened. In this context, anger is a helpful and life-preserving response.

Not only is anger triggered by real dangers, such as a tiger, but it is also triggered by how we respond to ourselves in the midst of stress. Our brain responds to negative and judgmental self-talk just as if a tiger were in the room. We immediately trigger a threat reaction. When we tell ourselves we are not good enough, we are bad, or everything is our fault, our brain goes into threat detection and danger mode. Moreover, the same thing happens in the brain when we use negative and judgmental talk with others. This is when anger can bring negative consequences to our lives.

For example, when stress goes up, our level of empathy goes down. When our stress levels are high, it is more difficult to be understanding of others and ourselves. When we become angry, our brains temporarily shut down those parts of the brain that hold our hopes and dreams, the thinking, logical, rational parts. The problem is not with anger, but with those times when we act out of anger in our relationships.

Anger in relationships becomes destructive when it fuels conflict. Name-calling, defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling are signs that anger is dominating the relationship. This type of behavior erodes intimacy. (Gottman, 2000) It does not have to be this way, however. Conflict can actually strengthen relationships when we seek to really hear one another and search for creative ways to repair our bond.

If anger has become a constant companion, take a moment (right now) and take a deep breath. Take another one. Know that many of us struggle with multiple stressors in our world. Not one of us is perfect. Take a time-out any time anger begins to rise. Know that we are not fit for human consumption when we are in the midst of anger.

Now, begin a new practice and respond to oneself with compassion. Compassionate self-talk has been shown to calm the threat-detection system and allow us to be more understanding with others. Kristin Neff is an expert in self-compassion. Her research found that “people who can first give themselves emotional support and validation will be in a better position to be giving, accepting and generous to their partners.” She also found that “people who nurture self-compassion have better overall psychological and emotional health, experience less anxiety and depression, are more motivated to achieve their goals.” (Randall, 2013)

When we talk to ourselves with criticism and self-judgment, we fuel anger. When we respond to ourselves with kindness and compassion, we calm our body and create space to respond courageously with our best selves. Paul Gilbert, in his video series on self-compassion, uses the illustration of talking to our best friend. If a friend found himself or herself going through these challenges, how would we comfort and console? Likewise, be a friend to yourself. (Paul Gilbert, 2011) Know that the body is capable of calming itself down, and that the brain is lighting up to meet each unique challenge that arises.

Try these steps:

Take a deep breath (calms body and helps us disengage)
Take a time-out, calm down, and allow emotions time to settle
Notice self-talk
Respond to self with kindness and compassion
Start Over
Repeat anytime

Check out Paul Gilbert’s and Kristin Neff’s Video Resources on Self-Compassion and Anger.

Gottman, John. (2000). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.

Randall, Kay. (2013). Happy Valentines to Me?

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Anger Management, Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management, The Human Brain

Tags : anger management, compassion, couples, Empathy, marriage, relationships, stress management

Getting Together 5: Communicating as Equals

Posted by Scott Rampy on

December 5, 2012

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Getting Together, Part 5 – Communicating as Equals

Couples often struggle with communication. The inability to communicate leads to all sorts of misunderstandings, failures to resolve problems, and cycles that build up to create significant dissatisfaction with the relationship. Fisher and Brown, of the Harvard Negotiation Project, present some fundamental elements of communicating and problem solving in their book Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate. This book is the sequel to the bestseller Getting to Yes. Although not writing from a therapy background, their work on communication is consistent with what we share with our clients at Fuller Life. This post is the fifth in our series on Getting Together.

The first post introduced six elements of a good working relationship. The overriding theme in each element is: “Do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they reciprocate” (38). These six elements are based on a commitment to be unconditionally constructive. Now we will look a bit closer at the final two ingredients.

5. Persuasion, Not Coercion: Negotiate Side by Side

Fisher and Brown introduce this section with Aesop’s fable of the wind and the sun. The sun challenged the wind to a contest to see which could get a man to take off his coat. The wind tried to blow the man’s coat off with a strong gust of wind – but the man only drew his coat tighter. The sun beamed down warmly. As the man grew warm himself, he removed his coat and enjoyed the sunshine.

A common tendency is to try to force our way into winning an argument. The way we negotiate can seriously damage a relationship. When we use coercive tactics, emotions get heightened and reason gets diminished. It often becomes impossible to come to mutual understanding. We tend to find the other person less trustworthy and may feel that our values and desires have been rejected or ignored. Instead of attacking the problem together, side by side, coercion attacks the person. We commit early to our own viewpoint rather than staying open to the other’s perspective. When one person has to win, the other ultimately loses. Exploring the interests of each person is a good way of opening up options for compromise. To do this we have to get out of either/or mode and look for multiple workable options.

6. Acceptance: Deal seriously with those with whom we differ

We may fall into the trap of rejecting rather than accepting the other as an equally valid part of the problem-solving effort. We reject the other physically by leaving the room, slamming a door, or hanging up the phone. We can reject another psychologically by blaming, belittling, or rejecting the other’s viewpoint as worthy. These errors make it much more difficult to communicate effectively, understand each other’s view, foster trust, or persuade.

Instead, Fisher and Brown suggest that we accept unconditionally. We may not accept the other’s values, perceptions, or conduct, but we treat the other person with respect. They feel that they are being treated as an equal. We behave as though we genuinely care about the other person, above and beyond the conflict and our opinion.

Putting all of these communication principles into practice is much easier said than done. We often have some unlearning to do. It takes practice to break out of cycles of negative interaction. If your relationship (or a friend’s) could benefit from relearning how to communicate through conflict in a way that enhances the relationship, we at Fuller Life are happy to walk through that process with you. The form on the front page of the site is a great way to get in touch with us.

Fisher, Roger, and Scott Brown. Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate. New York: Penguin Books, 1988.

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFTA

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Blended Families, Communication, Counseling, Couples, Divorce, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Parenting, Premarital, Relationships, Social Skills

Tags : acceptance, anger, Communication, compassion, counseling for couples, couples, Empathy, love, Marital Satisfaction, marriage, Marriage therapy, relationships

Reliability, Trust, and Forgiveness

Posted by Scott Rampy on

November 20, 2012

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Part 4 – Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate

Couples often struggle with communication. The inability to communicate leads to all sorts of misunderstandings, failures to resolve problems and cycles that build up to create significant dissatisfaction with the relationship. Fisher and Brown, of the Harvard Negotiation Project present some fundamental elements of communicating and problem solving in their book Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate. This book is the sequel to the bestseller Getting to Yes. Although not writing from a therapy background, their work on communication is consistent with what we share with our clients at Fuller Life. This post is the fourth in our series on Getting Together.

Reliability: Be wholly trustworthy, but not wholly trusting.

In every relationship, trust and suspicion exist on a continuum. Reliability is a determining factor regarding where our relationship is on a continuum. If there is already an established history of following through with one’s commitments, each partner can feel more secure and confident about further commitments. Moreover, we all make mistakes. A history of reliability can offer an opportunity to be more understanding and gracious when either partner makes a mistake.

“A practical goal for a working relationship, and one that each partner can pursue unconditionally, is thus:

a high degree of reliability in the behavior of each, and

an accurate assessment by each of the risks of relying on the other.”

Dealing with our own reliability

Our relationship partner may have good reason to mistrust us if our behavior is inconsistent, our communication is careless, we take our promises lightly, and our behavior is deceptive or dishonest. We can only control our own behavior so the burden of improving trust starts with us. Improving our behavior is the first place to start (re)building trust. Predictability, clarity, taking promises seriously, and honesty are all within our power and control.

Dealing with our partner’s reliability

Notice that even as we shift attention to our partner’s reliability, the focus continues to stay on our own conduct. Fisher and Brown ask, “Do we encourage their unreliable conduct? Do we overload trust? Do we trust too little? Do we criticize no matter what they do?”

We can help our partner be more reliable as we take steps to reduce risk rather than overload trust. We can begin to trust according to what is deserved, be precise in our praise and criticism, and view breakdowns as joint problems. In our assessment of our partner’s conduct, we need be self-critical. Are we evaluating them wrongly? Misperceiving their behavior? Confusing different kinds of unpredictability?

Often when couples discuss possible solutions to failures in trust the word “forgiveness” comes up. Though Fisher and Brown do not address the topic, based on the above, forgiveness does not mean, “I forgive you, so now everything can go back to the way it was before.” Perhaps forgiveness means acknowledging what has happened, the hurt it has caused, and then freeing the other person from ill will and continued indebtedness. It does not mean setting up the other person to commit the same wrong over and over again. Forgiveness is properly rooted in the perspective “Love unconditionally; trust conditionally.”

If there is a deficit of trust and reliability in your relationship that is preventing you from experiencing the quality relationship you desire, we want to walk alongside the process of rebuilding. If you have been hurt in the past and struggle with how to move forward, please know that Fuller Life Family Therapy is available and a safe place to work together.

Fisher, Roger, and Scott Brown. Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate. New York: Penguin Books, 1988.

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFTA

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Communication, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Relationships

Tags : Communication, counseling for couples, couples, Empathy, marriage, Marriage therapy, relationships