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Archive for love

Getting Together 5: Communicating as Equals

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 December 5, 2012
  · No Comments

Getting Together, Part 5 – Communicating as Equals

Couples often struggle with communication. The inability to communicate leads to all sorts of misunderstandings, failures to resolve problems, and cycles that build up to create significant dissatisfaction with the relationship. Fisher and Brown, of the Harvard Negotiation Project, present some fundamental elements of communicating and problem solving in their book Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate. This book is the sequel to the bestseller Getting to Yes. Although not writing from a therapy background, their work on communication is consistent with what we share with our clients at Fuller Life. This post is the fifth in our series on Getting Together.

The first post introduced six elements of a good working relationship. The overriding theme in each element is: “Do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they reciprocate” (38). These six elements are based on a commitment to be unconditionally constructive. Now we will look a bit closer at the final two ingredients.

5. Persuasion, Not Coercion: Negotiate Side by Side

Fisher and Brown introduce this section with Aesop’s fable of the wind and the sun. The sun challenged the wind to a contest to see which could get a man to take off his coat. The wind tried to blow the man’s coat off with a strong gust of wind – but the man only drew his coat tighter. The sun beamed down warmly. As the man grew warm himself, he removed his coat and enjoyed the sunshine.

A common tendency is to try to force our way into winning an argument. The way we negotiate can seriously damage a relationship. When we use coercive tactics, emotions get heightened and reason gets diminished. It often becomes impossible to come to mutual understanding. We tend to find the other person less trustworthy and may feel that our values and desires have been rejected or ignored. Instead of attacking the problem together, side by side, coercion attacks the person. We commit early to our own viewpoint rather than staying open to the other’s perspective. When one person has to win, the other ultimately loses. Exploring the interests of each person is a good way of opening up options for compromise. To do this we have to get out of either/or mode and look for multiple workable options.

6. Acceptance: Deal seriously with those with whom we differ

We may fall into the trap of rejecting rather than accepting the other as an equally valid part of the problem-solving effort. We reject the other physically by leaving the room, slamming a door, or hanging up the phone. We can reject another psychologically by blaming, belittling, or rejecting the other’s viewpoint as worthy. These errors make it much more difficult to communicate effectively, understand each other’s view, foster trust, or persuade.

Instead, Fisher and Brown suggest that we accept unconditionally. We may not accept the other’s values, perceptions, or conduct, but we treat the other person with respect. They feel that they are being treated as an equal. We behave as though we genuinely care about the other person, above and beyond the conflict and our opinion.

Putting all of these communication principles into practice is much easier said than done. We often have some unlearning to do. It takes practice to break out of cycles of negative interaction. If your relationship (or a friend’s) could benefit from relearning how to communicate through conflict in a way that enhances the relationship, we at Fuller Life are happy to walk through that process with you. The form on the front page of the site is a great way to get in touch with us.

Fisher, Roger, and Scott Brown. Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate. New York: Penguin Books, 1988.

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFTA

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

 

Categories : Blended Families, Communication, Counseling, Couples, Divorce, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Parenting, Premarital, Relationships, Social Skills
Tags : acceptance, anger, Communication, compassion, counseling for couples, couples, Empathy, love, Marital Satisfaction, marriage, Marriage therapy, relationships

Writing A Love Story: Did I Marry the Right “One?”

Posted by Amy Fuller PhD on
 May 2, 2012
  · No Comments

“Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.” George Bernard Shaw

Ever wonder if you married the right One? Often when people feel dissatisfied with the current state of their marriage, they begin to doubt, and then wonder if they married the right “one.” The seeds of self-doubt then lead to greater disengagement from the relationship altogether, and sometimes a spiral downward for the relationship as a whole.

In fact, disillusionment is a common state of marriage, usually followed by misery, and hopefully, eventual rediscovery. The crucial point is how couples respond to this level of dissatisfaction. Some ignore it hoping things will improve. Some shout at their spouse with irrepressible anger. Some cry in their closet, feeling trapped and hopeless. Some seek love elsewhere. Finding the courage to address the disappointment, hurt, or frustration is not always easy. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better.

We seldom stop to wonder if we “got” the right child. Instead we seek to shape our children. Similarly, we shape our relationships by what we put into them.

The truth is, you are the author of your love story. Sure, your spouse has his or her own version, but what you think and do matters. Having found love at one point does not guarantee the presence of love 10 or 20 years down the road. You have to keep recreating love by the thoughts, feelings, and actions you choose to pen into the romance novel of your relationship.

Not all love stories have happy endings. However, if you are still in the relationship you always have the opportunity to twist the storyline with new thoughts, actions, or feelings. Even the smallest change can make a difference and lead to bigger change. Perception works the same way. A simple shift in how you see things can turn frustration into gratitude, or turn hurt into hope.

How do you create a love that will grow your relationship into the one you desire? It may mean learning to forgive, or being more open with your thoughts and feelings. It may mean deciding to show a little more kindness. Giving grace or undeserved kindness is always a nice way to create new love in the relationship. It could be that you need professional help to heal old wounds that keep getting infected.

Marriage is actually less of a romance novel and more of a ongoing mystery adventure as two very different people spend a lifetime discovering new ways to love each other. Simple curiosity can turn doubt into deeper relationship and intimacy. It is never too late to uncover the mysteries of the “one” in your life. One could dig years and years and never reach the bottom of the well of vast mystery in another person’s being, thoughts, and soul.

If you are still married, the “one” you married is still the “one,” as long as you choose to create and share your story with each other. May your adventure be grand!

DR. AMY FULLER, LMFT, LPC

Clinical Director at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Counseling, Couples, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage
Tags : couples, love, marriage, Marriage therapy
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Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute
  • Home
    • Our Story
    • Our Core Values
    • Partner with Us
    • Our Training
    • Donate
  • Info
    • Our Locations
    • New Client Forms
    • Therapy Fees
    • Information for New clients
    • Secure Inquiry Form
    • Initial Session Form
    • Telemental Health Consent Form
  • Services
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Riya Roney, Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
  • Resources
    • Houston Sliding-Scale Therapy Agencies
    • Mental Health Resources
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
    • Local Houston Resources
      • Helpful Books
      • Personal Bill of Rights
    • Healing Practices
      • Benefits of Self-Compassion
      • Self-Care Practices
      • Self-Compassion
  • Blog
    • Blog Grid
    • Resilient Relationships
    • Befriending Anxiety
    • Dancing Through Depression
    • Growing Kids and Teens
    • Healing Practices
    • Healing Trauma and Loss
    • Living Free from Addiction
    • Managing Anger and Stress
    • Sex Therapy
    • Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families
    • Mindful Eating
    • Practicing Faith
  • New Year New You Challenge
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