Bruce Moon, Art Therapist and educator, describes art therapy as “an effort to detect or discover the meaning of life by exploring the soul of what we invent in our creative work”. I recently had the honor of exploring this use of creativity with fellow clinician, Jennifer Christian. Maybe you’ve only thought of creating art as an enjoyable past-time. If you allow it, art can actually be used as a tool for personal discovery. Listen in to learn more about how making your own artwork can improve the way you live and move through challenges:
Imagine the days before the internet, before television, even before radio. Imagine a time when the senses were not constantly inundated with competing sources of sound and imagery. That, my friend, is quiet. Our world is bombarded with all kinds of sensory information—music, video, talking, billboards, the noise of the city, laughter, alarms. But our brains need a break from even the most enjoyable stimuli. Studies indicate that even low levels of constant noise increase stress levels and impair our ability to function properly. A growing body of research also highlights the impact that too much visual input from sources like the internet has on problems like anxiety. It also disrupts our attention and learning ability.
Finding quiet might seem impossible in a society where the advancement of sales, popularity and political agendas seems hinged on how much information can be pumped into our systems. But there are tools to help give your brain a break.
Plan and prioritize. Put quiet time in your schedule. Prioritize it as an appointment and do not allow others to intrude upon it. Would you brush off a doctor’s appointment to have a last-minute lunch date? Then try giving your personal time the same importance. It’s for your own good.
Do it naturally. Sometimes removing yourself from your typical environment surrounded by modern technology is your best bet. Reconnect with the outdoors. Head to a park or spend a little time in the backyard. Sit and focus on one leaf or close your eyes and listen to the simple sound around you.
Do it spiritually. Your quiet time is your sacred space. You can view as a time to just listen inwardly, contemplate and reconnect spiritually. Find that higher focus to help you stay in tune.
Take what you can get. Locate the unused moments in your life where you could be quiet. Use your ride to and from work to disconnect from the noise. Find an unoccupied space at work and sit for 5 minutes with your eyes closed. The little moments can add up.
Healthy Results
Getting the quiet that your brain craves is more about a change in perspective. Modern society can make you feel that every free moment must be occupied with getting or disseminating information. We think we will fall behind or miss the next important thing if we do not constantly stay connected.
Sometimes we can grow so used to the noise around us that we no longer realize what we are constantly taking in. Begin by changing your mind about the importance of quiet. Then shhhhhh….
Women love to think and, sometimes, overthink. In the 1990’s and early 2000’s, Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Yale-educated expert psychologist studied mood, depression and gender differences. Her extensive and pioneering research on rumination helped explain why women are twice as likely to have depression than men and also demonstrated how widespread overthinking can be.
“When there is any pause in our daily activities,” says Nolen-Hoeksema in 2013, “many of us are flooded with worries, thoughts and emotions that swirl out of control, sucking our emotions and energy down, down, down. We are suffering from an epidemic of overthinking.”
In her book, Women Who Think Too Much, she defines overthinking and shares helpful tips to slow our minds down and stop the trap of overthinking.
Kneading Our Thoughts
Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema explains overthinking is paying attention to the thoughts created by our mood, mulling them over, taking them very seriously, and letting them influence our decisions. It looks like going over your thoughts and then examining them repetitively. She says overthinking is similar to kneading our thoughts like dough. Overthinking is pervasive and self-focused and often not helpful. Researchers interviewed students about their results after overthinking. They discovered the students were less insightful and usually wrong about their assumptions. In fact, they had a kind of tunnel vision that only allowed them to focus on the negative. Overthinking is not your friend.
The Yeast Effect
Not only does getting caught kneading our thoughts lead us to have a negative focus; but, this overthinking comes with a yeast effect. In the same manner dough doubles in size when kneaded, our negative thoughts will grow when we work them over too. These oversized thoughts lead to less insight and consequently more negative decisions. Choices that can ruin your life, impair your well-being and ability to function in the world. Research shows ruminative-type thinking leads to a dip in our performance and our ability to concentrate, pay attention, and shift to account for the positive. Overthinking also affects our ability to problem solve well; and, when we do problem solve, we have difficulty adequately putting the solution in place.
Stopping the Cycle
Break the grip of your thoughts by giving your mind a planned rest. Intentionally distract yourself with a positive activity like a mindful hobby, physical activity, good book, massage, or movie. Be your own “thought police”, firmly telling yourself to stop in the moment, and then schedule a specific time to think things over. Another solution is asking a friend or spouse to help and talking about what you are overthinking.
Climb up out of the muck onto higher ground. Take time to change your focus away from overthinking to a healthier view of a situation. Don’t get stuck in comparisons or be ruled by negative emotions. Accept the pain then brainstorm possible solutions. Consider other simple reasons for your distress at first, like lack of sleep or hunger. Connect with higher values to evaluate all possible solutions. Next, take some small action to begin overcoming your problem. In the process, try to forgive those who have wronged you to let go of overthinking their offense. When implementing solutions, listen out for when your overthinking is the result of others telling you how you ought to be feeling, thinking or behaving.
Avoid falling into the trap again. She says, “don’t go there.” Choose not to put yourself in situations that involve overthinking. Sometimes, this looks like physically avoiding a situation or letting go of unrealistic and unhealthy goals for yourself. However, if the trap feels unavoidable, create a new picture of yourself inside those situations by replacing negative images with positive ones. For an example, seeing yourself as someone who is competent to learn new skills or trying to find a satisfying story to understand your troubles. Finally, broaden your base for multiple sources of support. Becoming a volunteer at a cause you value or finding new friends in other stages of life can provide a different perspective on life.
“Over the past four decades women have experienced unprecedented growth in independence and opportunities,” Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema wrote, “We have many reasons to be happy and confident.”
Fuller Life is here to help you restore yourself to joy and calm.
References
Carey, B. (2013, January 13).Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Psychologist Who Studied Depression in Women, Dies at 53. The New York Times. Retrieved November 12, 2017, from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/14/us/susan-nolen-hoeksema-psychologist-who-studied-depression-in-women-dies-at-53.html?_r=0
Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000). The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109(3), 504-511.http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.109.3.504
Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2012). Women who think too much: how to break free of over-thinking and reclaim your life. London: Piatkus.
Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on psychological science, 3(5), 400-424.
Lyubomirsky, S., & Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (1995). Effects of self-focused rumination on negative thinking and interpersonal problem solving. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology,69(1), 176-190.doi. 10.1037//0022-3514.69.1.176
You are dependable and loyal. You take family seriously and honor those around you who are unable to care for themselves. So you have found yourself in the position of caring for an elderly parent grandparent or chronically ill or disabled loved one who requires constant care. Sometimes it feels like it is just too much for one person to bear. You may feel that no one else is there to carry the burden but you. However, not reaching out for help can lead to harmful results.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
The United States is home to over 44 million unpaid caregivers. The numbers will continue to grow as the population of baby boomers continues to age. The prevalence of spectrum disorders, like autism, has increased in America by 30 percent in recent years. Many disorders can limit the ability of people to function independently. These situations may create a need for family members to step up when care facilities seem like an unwanted or unfeasible option. But what effect does the caregiving lifestyle have on the caregiver?
Signs of Trouble
Fatigue and sleep deprivation when caring for a loved one are common. Fatigue can make a caregiver more vulnerable to physical, emotional or mental illnesses themselves. This can be due to a combination of physical obligations of providing care around the clock to the worry and stress that can accompany the responsibility of maintaining someone else’s welfare. Oftentimes, caregivers are not only responsible for the elderly parent or disabled family relative. They are parents, husbands and wives as well, further adding to their load.
You may notice that you, or the caregiver in your life, has become increasingly irritable, anxious or angry lately. A prolonged state of fatigue and stress puts caregivers at risk for diabetes, addictions, increased sensitivity to pain and infections. If you see signs of depression, such as feelings of hopelessness or helplessness, loss of interest in other activities, social withdrawal, find help. That is a clear sign that it is time for intervention.
In difficult circumstances, some caretakers may appear disoriented, erratic and/or highly emotional. Let extreme changes in mood, behaviors or routine be a signal to you that something is wrong.
Caring for the Caregiver
If any of this sounds familiar, please take the necessary steps. As a caregiver, know that reaching out for help and taking care of yourself are just as important to your role as a caregiver as the caregiving itself. If you know someone who is responsible for a loved one’s wellbeing and is exhibiting signs of burnout, lend a helping hand. Here are some steps that you can take:
Self-assess. Take a moment to do personal inventory. If your energy levels have been low and your patience thin, admit it to yourself. That is the only way to begin the process of improving your situation.
Take a break. If you do not have to, don’t go it alone. Ask friends or family members to stay over a couple nights a week so that you can get a full night’s rest. See if they can watch your loved for a couple of hours during the day while you take some personal time. If there is no one available, take advantage of some of the caregiver resources (found below) that can assist you.
Be mindful. Include a mindfulness, mediation or prayer practice in your day. This serves to increase your self-awareness and promotes relaxation while you are awake. Fifteen minutes can make a world of difference.
Find support.As a caregiver, you might be too busy to know that there is help available to you, even if you feel like you are all alone. Please check out the following resources:
As 2016 rolls to a close and the holiday cheer begins to wane, thoughts and reflections of the past year and hopes and curiosity about the upcoming year are swirling about.
At the start of the 2017, instead of new gym memberships and the same old resolutions, consider resolving to add more authentic “self-care” into your life. The concept of self-care has been around for some time. Yet, there seems to be a lot of vagueness around what it actually means, with definitions varying from treating yourself to wine and ice cream to going on a quest to find yourself on the Pacific Crest Trail.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself to begin to understand the true meaning of self-care:
Who am I?
As people, we are physical beings. We need food and water and sleep to survive and we live and die in our physical bodies.
We are also social beings, born into families, communities, societies. And the truth is, we need relationships (Anderson, 1995).
We are spiritual beings. Spirituality means an understanding that there is a greater reality beyond what we experience through our physical senses. Though we may have differing faiths and views, intrinsically, we sense that life has meaning and that we have meaning, beyond our physical presence. Acknowledging our spirituality also means acknowledging that we are valuable and worthy.
In summary, we are people with real value and real limitations. We may be capable of accomplishing a great many things, yet each of us has unique limits to our capacities. We take care of ourselves because of our intrinsic worth and if we don’t, we will suffer spiritually, physically and socially.
Where do I begin?
The first step in getting what we need, is, of course, knowing what we need.
Learning about our needs involves cultivating a deeper connection to our bodies, relationships and something greater than ourselves. Self-care is not simply indulging our wants, but knowing ourselves – both our strengths and limitations – well enough to seek out and to receive what is most healthful for all aspects of ourselves.
If you are unsure of what you need, taking a self-care assessment may be a good place to start. Cultivating a practice of taking stock of your daily experiences is another great way to get to know yourself. For example, at the end of each day, ask yourself: “When did I feel most drained? When did I feel most energized? Or perhaps, “What am I fearing, or hoping for in the day to come?” These questions have their roots from a practice called “the Examen” by St. Ignatius of Loyola.
How do I put this into practice?
Interestingly, beginning with the concept of “compassion” can be very helpful as we put these thoughts into practice. Compassion involves first, noticing another’s suffering or needs and second, being affected enough to respond with care. Similarly, Dr. Kristin Neff tells us that self-compassion means seeing our own needs and responding accordingly. So, knowing ourselves and what we need is a good start, but to really care for ourselves, we must deliberately act to meet those needs. According to Dr. Neff, compassionate and self-compassionate people:
Respond to failure, inadequacy and suffering with kindness rather than harsh judgement.
Recognize that hardships are part of the human experience, and we are not alone in them.
Neither deny negative feelings, nor blow them out of proportion; but maintain an honest and balanced perspective.
Because we are unique, self-care will look different for different people; however, growing in self-compassion is a necessary ingredient. Self-care for one person may be responding with kind words to him or herself after a major disappointment. For another, self-care may involve scheduling time to rest and play amid a busy schedule. And for yet another person, self-care might mean joining an exercise class to be more physically active and meet new people.
As you walk into 2017, remember these resolutions for good self-care:
Know yourself
Notice your needs
Respond!
We, at Fuller Life, wish you a healthy and compassion-filled New Year!
People tend to think of internal conflict as torturous personal turmoil. A big decision must be made or a circumstance must be handled. You wrestle with yourself in the middle of the night and feverishly try pushing uncomfortable thoughts out of your mind all day. You view the internal conflict, itself, as the problem and you struggle against it or try to ignore it. But imagine how your experience might be different if you consciously and compassionately acknowledged the presence of differing opinions within yourself?
The healthiest way to respond to nagging discomfort of inner conflict is to face it. By facing inner conflict, you have the opportunity to gain a strengthened sense of self, better problem-solving skills, increased authenticity, more self-compassion and increased integrity. But there’s no need to gather weapons and scream your battle cry. The conflict is not the enemy. Think of it like a puzzle that requires mindful and nonjudgmental investigation.
Or Friendly Fire…
Linda Adams, President of Gordon Training International, says that when we truly look at our inner conflict, without judgment, and commit to healthy resolution, we become more of our authentic selves and more aware of our needs.
One way to approach inner conflict is to:
Make a list or chart of the varying options with which you are struggling.
Beside each, list the reasons why you would find this option valuable
Then list the perceived consequences or opportunity costs for each option
Now you have externalized your inner conflict so that you can take a more objective view. As you investigate, you might notice that you are considering certain options because they are what you “should” do. From Dr. Miki Kashtan’s perspective, this implies the presence of an externally imposed value from sources like your community, friends or family. You might notice that these do not exactly mesh with values that are authentic to you. The result is the discomfort of conflict. As you mindfully consider your inner conflict, you might find other sources of discomfort such as fear, unmet needs or perceived personal limitations. Whatever needs, values and insights are discovered, allow yourself the space and compassion to honestly acknowledge them.
When you become more aware of the sources of your conflict, you gain clarity about what is important to you. Only then can you make choices from a position of self-awareness. Many times the push and pull of personal decision making comes from our view that for any one problem, there are two possible,and polar opposite choices. “I will go to work or I will call in sick and go to the game” for example. It becomes an either/or dilemma. Dr. Kashtan highlights the limitations of either/or thinking, which gives the impression that sacrifice of one need or another is always necessary to resolve inner conflict. She instead proposes devising a strategy that allows you to attend to as many needs and values as possible. By investigating your desire to go to the game, you uncover a need to fully experience and enjoy life. You also value integrity which leads to uneasiness about lying to your boss. Knowing this, is it possible to find an event that allows you to enjoy life while maintaining your integrity and going to work?
Addressing internal conflict while making life decisions can become a complex adventure. If you need help finding your way, consider contacting a mental health professional in your area.
There has been much focus lately on the benefits of mindfulness, a practice that encourages focused attention and self-acceptance in the present moment. You may know about mindfulness through methods like meditation, prayer and yoga. But what might happen to your mindfulness practice if you added a little art or music?
Why Try Mindfulness?
Why practice mindfulness in the first place? Research shows that mindfulness increases focus and can decrease symptoms related to stress, anxiety, fatigue, depression, chronic pain, sleep problems and high blood pressure. Baer informs us that mindfulness encourages people to focus on present thoughts and emotions in a way that is accepting and curious rather than judgmental. Being hypercritical of thoughts and emotions can cause us to push them away increasing stress and tension. We find ourselves saying things like, “Ugh! I shouldn’t feel this way!” It is better to acknowledge thoughts and feelings for what they are and begin the process of self-regulation. With mindfulness, we increase our present, personal and environmental awareness. We can then take the opportunity to curiously observe and honestly observe our inner experience, labeling what is happening, accepting it as it is and then releasing it with a prayer or meditative statement.
Artful Awareness
Therapeutic approaches like Mindfulness-Based Art Therapy (MBAT) have found similarities between creative and mindfulness practices. These two practices can be combined to enhance their effectiveness. Activities like drawing, playing an instrument, listening to music or writing poetry require single-task concentration that reflects the same sort of present-awareness needed to participate in mindfulness.
Consider this. When an artist draws her subject, she must observe it closely, recognizing the shape and position of the subject, noticing the folds and creases. She would not be likely to see these details if she were just observing that same thing in passing. With a mindful stance she can more adequately depict the subject of her art. The more the artist practices this type of art, the more she finds her ability to “see” improves. In learning to play music, the body and mind are fully engaged in the singular task of creating sound. The fingers are positioned, the body is postured and the mind is alert. The more the musician practices, the more natural his movements and the flow of music become.
When incorporating the arts into mindfulness practice, skill level in playing music or creating artwork is not the focus. The intention is to use the creative process to stay engaged and increase the focus on the present experience: what you see, think, hear and how you are inwardly responding. Use the art as an anchor to maintain present focus when the mind starts to wander.
So, what are some examples of ways you could incorporate creativity into your mindfulness practice?
Try blind contour drawing. Choose a drawing utensil (marker, pencil, chalk, etc.) and a piece of paper. Find a subject in your environment and focus in on it. While your eyes trace the lines and shapes of the subject, move your drawing utensil in unison, drawing one contiguous line but WITHOUT looking at your paper. This exercise requires deep concentration. To process troubling emotions, try finding a subject that is related to the issue at hand. For example, if you are having a disagreement with a family member that is causing you distress, find a picture of that person and use this as the subject of your contour drawing. Allow yourself to be non-judgmentally present with any feelings that may arise. You might even try journaling after the exercise. Couples could practice present awareness with each other by creating a blind contour drawing of their partner.
Blind contour drawing of a hand
Find time alone toplay an instrument like the drums or the piano. Try closing your eyes while playing and improvising or playing by ear. As you do this, observe the changes in your bodily responses as well as what emotions or imagery come up for you during this creative experience.
If you do not have access to an instrument or do not feel musically inclined, you can listen to music mindfully. Choose a particular song or genre of music to which you feel connected. Pay attention to the characteristics of the song: beat, changes in tempo, harmony, melody, etc. Notice how the visceral responses in your body and emotions respond. Identify the mood of the song and how this connects to your inner experience. If the song has lyrics, notice what words or verses stand out to you.
There are a myriad of ways that the arts can be used to engage your senses and keep you inspired to stay present. Be creative and find what works for you. As you develop a lifestyle of mindfulness, you will likely find a deeper understanding of yourself and a greater sense of the world around you.
If you are seeking a professional to help you to gain awareness and personal insight, please contact us at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute.
Monti, D. A., Peterson, C., Shakin Kunkel, E. J., Hauck, W. W., Pequignot, E., Rhodes, L., & Brainard, G. C. (2006). A randomized, controlled trial of Mindfulness-Based Art Therapy (MBAT) for women with cancer. Psycho-Oncology, 15, 363–373. Retrieved from http://www.mindfullart.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Controlled-Triall-2005.pdf
“Each day you work toward your big goal should be considered a success! You’re doing something now that directly affects your success later.” Brad Hussey
Wouldn’t it be great to build up our self-control “muscles?” More “staying power” could make a big difference in so many areas. According to a recent compilation of lab experiments on self-control, four emotional characteristics were shown to boost our self-control (Desteno, 2014).
Over the past few weeks, Fuller Life’s blog has explored how to develop the characteristics of gratitude, compassion, and guilt. Today’s post will focus on cultivating authentic pride.
Always One More Thing
In a recent TED Talk, Shawn Achor notes that our society has somehow “pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon.”
We tell ourselves all sorts of things:
I will be happy when I achieve ____________. But, the minute I achieve ____________, I still have one more thing.
I just earned my degree, but now I need to find a job.
We just got married, but now we need to buy a home.
Happiness always seems to be beyond the next item on the to-do list. And, the to-do list just keeps getting longer.
We get to the end of our day and notice we did not accomplish everything we had set out to do. We tend to focus on what is lacking, which in turn builds frustration. The next day we wake up feeling more behind than the day before.
In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown says, “We start off the morning thinking we didn’t get enough sleep, go through the day thinking we don’t have enough time, and fall asleep thinking we failed to accomplish enough tasks. Whatever we have, do, or get, it’s never enough.”
Happiness eventually feels unattainable, especially when we run into obstacles along the way. Over time, we may lose our motivation to keep trying to find happiness.
Authentic Pride
What if we could bring happiness back to this side of the equation? Could we celebrate the small steps that move us toward our bigger goals? According to the field of positive psychology, we can cultivate authentic pride to help us reach our goals. “Authentic pride derives from specific accomplishments or goal attainments, and is often focused on the efforts made towards that goal” (Tracy & Robins, 2004, 2007a).
Triathlon coach Barrie Shepley points out that anything can happen on race day. So you should reward all the hard work you put into getting to the race!
When we begin to notice the little successes at the end of each day, we begin to experience the positive emotion that comes with affirming that our efforts mean something. Every little thing I accomplish toward my goal matters. When we celebrate our efforts, we cultivate positive emotion. This is motivating!
“Authentic pride is fueled by the emotional rush of accomplishment, confidence, and success, and is associated with pro-social and achievement-oriented behaviors, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, satisfying interpersonal relationships, and positive mental health” (Kaufman, 2012).
Celebrate Together
Another aspect of authentic pride is celebrating the successes of those around us. Martin Seligman calls this “active, constructive responding.” When our partner or friend comes to us to share a success, we celebrate with them. For instance, “This is great! I am so proud of you. I know how important this was to you! Please relive the event with me now. Where were you? What did you say? How did you react? We should go out and celebrate.”
Seligman includes non-verbal responses that build positive emotions and our bond with others, “Maintaining eye contact, displays of positive emotion, such as genuine smiling, touching, and laughing” (Seligman, 2011).
When we celebrate together, we increase positive feelings and strengthen the health of our relationships.
Tools
Some of us find it challenging to celebrate and enjoy our efforts toward success. However, negative habits of self-criticism and self-denigration wear away at our perseverance and motivation. Kristen Neff offers a helpful exercise that teaches us how to respond to ourselves in a more compassionate way.
Make a gratitude list at the end of each day to actively notice the abundance that is already in your life.
Get an accountability partner to share hopes and goals. Make a list of ideas to reward the accomplishments you achieve as you work toward your goals.
Get real about time. We often underestimate the time it takes to do things, and we overschedule ourselves. We end up setting ourselves up to feel disappointed that we did not accomplish more. Monica Ricci has helpful tips on creating a more realistic awareness of time and how to budget our tasks accordingly.
Carver, C. S., & Johnson, S. L. (2010). Authentic and Hubristic Pride: Differential Relations to Aspects of Goal Regulation, Affect, and Self-Control. Journal of Research in Personality, 44(6), 698–703.
Desteno, D. (2014). A Feeling of Control: How American Can Finally Learn to Deal with It’s Impulses. Pacific Standard.
Seligman, M. (2011). Flourish. A visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being.
Tracy JL, Robins RW. (2007a). Emerging insights into the nature and function of pride. Current Directions in Psychological Science. 16:147–150.
Williams, L. A. & DeSteno, David. (Jun. 2008). Pride and perseverance: The motivational role of pride. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 94(6), 1007-1017.
Many create New Year’s resolutions in hopes of a healthier lifestyle. But experience of past resolutions often reminds us that it can be daunting to keep up with new goals. As the year gets hectic, one’s ability to stick with resolutions may wane. How can we build staying power? One way is to develop our capacity for self-control.
Self-Control
Is it possible to acquire more self-control? According to a recent review of research on the subject, the practice of four emotional characteristics can enhance our self-control (Desteno, 2014):
Over the next few weeks Fuller Life will continue to explore these characteristics. Our last post focused on gratitude and this one is focused on compassion.
Compassion and Self-Compassion
Compassion is an emotion that involves noticing and feeling moved to care. The first part is to notice and see another person in the midst of their suffering, frustration, disappointment, grief or hurt. When we allow ourselves to turn toward and notice another person, we are naturally moved to respond to a fellow human being with care and concern.
Self-compassion is the same thing. The only difference is allowing ourselves to see our own struggle, and respond to ourselves with care. When we learn to respond to ourselves with kindness and compassion, we calm the body and create space to respond courageously with our best selves. This is not the same as self-pity.
“Self-compassion isn’t poor me. Self-compassion is: ‘It’s hard for all of us… the human experience is hard for me, for you, this is the way life is.’ It’s a much more connected way of relating to yourself. And this is why mindfulness is so important. When we are mindful of our suffering, we see it as it is, we don’t ignore it, but we also don’t over exaggerate.” Kristin Neff
How Can We Build Compassion For Others?
One way we can build compassion for others is to practice on ourselves. We can be our worst critic and beat up on ourselves when we fall short on hopes and goals. When we talk to ourselves with criticism and self-judgment, we fuel anger and anxiety. We can even increase the odds that we will get frustrated and want to quit.
Kristin Neff has found that “people who can first give themselves emotional support and validation will be in a better position to be giving, accepting and generous to their partners.” She also found that “people who nurture self-compassion have better overall psychological and emotional health, experience less anxiety and depression, and are more motivated to achieve their goals.” (Randall, 2013)
Here are some tools to get started:
A quiz to assess your current level of self-compassion.
A self-compassion exercise to get a small hint of what this looks like in practice: Self-Compassion Exercise
Compassion Meditations designed to increase experience of compassion for self and others.
Time to Slow Down
In a recent TED talk, Daniel Goleman explored the things that keep us from compassion. One of the main obstacles is being in a hurry.
“A group of divinity students at the Princeton Theological Seminary were told that they were going to give a practice sermon and they were each given a sermon topic. Half of those students were given, as a topic, the parable of the Good Samaritan: the man who stopped to help the stranger in need by the side of the road. Half were given random Bible topics. Then one by one, they were told they had to go to another building and give their sermon. As they went from the first building to the second, each of them passed a man who was bent over and moaning, clearly in need. The question is: Did they stop to help? The more interesting question is: Did it matter they were contemplating the parable of the Good Samaritan? Answer: No, not at all. What turned out to determine whether someone would stop and help a stranger in need was how much of a hurry they thought they were in. And this is, I think, the predicament of our lives: that we don’t take every opportunity to help because our focus is in the wrong direction.” (Goleman, 2007)
The conclusion of the experiment was that the student’s compassion was not significantly influenced by studying the passage on compassion, but more by the student’s belief that they were in too much of a hurry.
When we get overwhelmed or in a rush, this impacts our ability to be present and compassionate with ourselves, and others we care about. One way to build compassion is to slow down the pace of life. Leo Babauta has some great ideas for how to slow things down.
Over the next few weeks, we will continue to explore characteristics that develop our capacity for self-control such as authentic pride, and guilt. Fuller Life Family Therapy is here to support and encourage those on their journey toward a fuller life.
Desteno, D. (2014) A Feeling of Control: How America Can Finally Learn to Deal With Its Impulses. Pacific Standard, The Science of Society. (http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/feeling-control-america-can-finally-learn-deal-impulses-self-regulation-89456/)
Goleman, D. (2007). TED. (http://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_goleman_on_compassion?language=en)
My goal is to help individuals live their best life. Having personally encountered and overcome unforeseen life altering circumstances, I ... Read More
Shani Bell is Licensed Professional Counselor and Registered Art Therapist offering counseling services at Fuller Life West. As a therapist, ... Read More
***Although the information provided in the therapy blog is written by mental health professionals, it DOES NOT substitute or qualify as professional counseling or therapy. This information is offered as a source of help and information regarding common concerns related to mental, emotional, relational and spiritual health. Please note the information provided here is for information purposes only and is NOT professional counseling.
