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Author Archive for JenniferChristian

self-control

Self-Control: Why Willpower Doesn’t Work

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 April 28, 2015
  · No Comments

Could it actually be possible to build up our self-control “muscles?” More “staying power” could make a big difference in so many areas. What if we could increase our ability to:

  • Say “no” to that last piece of pie.
  • Hold our temper a little longer.
  • Save some extra money instead of blowing it on the next cool gadget.
  • Study just a little longer when everyone else is outside having fun.

Why Willpower Comes Up Short

Have you noticed that willpower often comes up short? We tend to over-focus on the things we want to avoid. Here are a few simple examples:

  • For the next thirty seconds do not think about the imaginary pink elephant sitting in the corner of the room… really… stop thinking about the pink elephant. What happens? We cannot stop thinking about the pink elephant. The more we wrestle with ourselves to stop doing something, the more challenging it is to stop.
  • What if you decide to go on a diet and a coworker brings a box of gourmet donuts to the office? You work hard to resist the donuts throughout the entire day. However, your willpower is so taxed that you treat yourself to a large combo plate at your favorite Mexican restaurant. What a frustrating experience.
  • Let’s say that you decide to control your anger. You make a commitment to be kinder to your spouse at the end of each day when you get home from work. Unfortunately, the next workday is full of stressors: your boss yells at you, you miss lunch, and traffic is unbelievably frustrating. Then, you get home, and what happens? The commitment you made to yourself goes out the window and you end up angry with your spouse.

This is a common experience for many of us because willpower is limited. We create our goal, shore up our determination, eventually run out of steam, and end up falling short.

“Willpower, for all its merits, is full of holes. Maintaining it requires not only a good deal of effort but also a conducive environment… Seemingly irrelevant factors like being at home versus being at work, or even the need to make simple decisions unrelated to resisting temptation—(‘Should I wear a white shirt or a blue one?’)—can diminish self-control. The result? People whose willpower is taxed fail to resist about one out of every six temptations they face, even when they try using cognitive strategies to manage their ‘hot’ responses. Willpower appears to be quite finite in supply.” (David Desteno, September 15, 2014, Pacific Standard, The Science of Society).

Self-Control

If willpower and self-determination do not work, what does?

According to a recent review of lab experiments on self-control, four emotional characteristics were shown to boost our self-control (Desteno, 2014).

  • Gratitude
  • Compassion
  • Guilt
  • Authentic pride

“These emotions— gratitude, compassion, authentic pride, and even guilt—work from the bottom up to shape decisions that favor the long-term. If we focus on instilling the capacity to experience these emotional states regularly, we’ll build resources that will automatically spring forth in reflexive and productive ways. In essence, we’ll give ourselves inoculations against temptation that, like antibodies in our bloodstream, will be ready and waiting to combat possible threats to our well-being.” (David Desteno, September 15, 2014, Pacific Standard, The Science of Society).

How Can I Cultivate These Emotions?

Over the past few months, Fuller Life has explored self-control and how to cultivate gratitude, compassion, guilt, and authentic pride. The articles collected here are full of information and resources. We hope they offer tools to develop perseverance and motivation to meet the important goals of your life.

There is no need to take on each of these characteristics all at once. You can choose one at a time to gently implement into your life. On average, it takes 66 days to create a new habit. When we slow down and allow ourselves time to create a new habit, the habit is more likely to take shape and become more natural.

When you build resources into yourself that increase self-control, you increase your ability to delay gratification. Check out this video about how delayed gratification is one of the greatest predictors of success in all that you do.

Fuller Life Family Therapy is here to support and encourage those on their journey toward a fuller life.

Desteno, D. (2014) A Feeling of Control: How America Can Finally Learn to Deal With Its Impulses. Pacific Standard, The Science of Society. (http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/feeling-control-america-can-finally-learn-deal-impulses-self-regulation-89456/)

Contributed by

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Addiction & Recovery, Adolescents & Children, Compassion, Counseling, Gratitude, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Celebrate Your Efforts and Increase Self-Control

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 March 24, 2015

“Each day you work toward your big goal should be considered a success! You’re doing something now that directly affects your success later.” Brad Hussey

Wouldn’t it be great to build up our self-control “muscles?” More “staying power” could make a big difference in so many areas. According to a recent compilation of lab experiments on self-control, four emotional characteristics were shown to boost our self-control (Desteno, 2014).

  • Gratitude
  • Compassion
  • Guilt
  • Authentic pride

Over the past few weeks, Fuller Life’s blog has explored how to develop the characteristics of gratitude, compassion, and guilt. Today’s post will focus on cultivating authentic pride.

Always One More Thing

In a recent TED Talk, Shawn Achor notes that our society has somehow “pushed happiness over the cognitive horizon.”

We tell ourselves all sorts of things:

I will be happy when I achieve ____________. But, the minute I achieve ____________, I still have one more thing.

I just earned my degree, but now I need to find a job.

We just got married, but now we need to buy a home.

Happiness always seems to be beyond the next item on the to-do list. And, the to-do list just keeps getting longer.

We get to the end of our day and notice we did not accomplish everything we had set out to do. We tend to focus on what is lacking, which in turn builds frustration. The next day we wake up feeling more behind than the day before.

In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown says, “We start off the morning thinking we didn’t get enough sleep, go through the day thinking we don’t have enough time, and fall asleep thinking we failed to accomplish enough tasks. Whatever we have, do, or get, it’s never enough.”

Happiness eventually feels unattainable, especially when we run into obstacles along the way. Over time, we may lose our motivation to keep trying to find happiness.

Authentic Pride

What if we could bring happiness back to this side of the equation? Could we celebrate the small steps that move us toward our bigger goals? According to the field of positive psychology, we can cultivate authentic pride to help us reach our goals. “Authentic pride derives from specific accomplishments or goal attainments, and is often focused on the efforts made towards that goal” (Tracy & Robins, 2004, 2007a).

Triathlon coach Barrie Shepley points out that anything can happen on race day. So you should reward all the hard work you put into getting to the race!

When we begin to notice the little successes at the end of each day, we begin to experience the positive emotion that comes with affirming that our efforts mean something. Every little thing I accomplish toward my goal matters. When we celebrate our efforts, we cultivate positive emotion. This is motivating!

“Authentic pride is fueled by the emotional rush of accomplishment, confidence, and success, and is associated with pro-social and achievement-oriented behaviors, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, satisfying interpersonal relationships, and positive mental health” (Kaufman, 2012).

Celebrate Together

Couple smilingAnother aspect of authentic pride is celebrating the successes of those around us. Martin Seligman calls this “active, constructive responding.” When our partner or friend comes to us to share a success, we celebrate with them. For instance, “This is great! I am so proud of you. I know how important this was to you! Please relive the event with me now. Where were you? What did you say? How did you react? We should go out and celebrate.”

Seligman includes non-verbal responses that build positive emotions and our bond with others, “Maintaining eye contact, displays of positive emotion, such as genuine smiling, touching, and laughing” (Seligman, 2011).

When we celebrate together, we increase positive feelings and strengthen the health of our relationships.

Tools

  • Some of us find it challenging to celebrate and enjoy our efforts toward success. However, negative habits of self-criticism and self-denigration wear away at our perseverance and motivation. Kristen Neff offers a helpful exercise that teaches us how to respond to ourselves in a more compassionate way.
  • Make a gratitude list at the end of each day to actively notice the abundance that is already in your life.
  • Get an accountability partner to share hopes and goals. Make a list of ideas to reward the accomplishments you achieve as you work toward your goals.
  • Get real about time. We often underestimate the time it takes to do things, and we overschedule ourselves. We end up setting ourselves up to feel disappointed that we did not accomplish more. Monica Ricci has helpful tips on creating a more realistic awareness of time and how to budget our tasks accordingly.

Carver, C. S., & Johnson, S. L. (2010). Authentic and Hubristic Pride: Differential Relations to Aspects of Goal Regulation, Affect, and Self-Control. Journal of Research in Personality, 44(6), 698–703.

Desteno, D. (2014). A Feeling of Control: How American Can Finally Learn to Deal with It’s Impulses. Pacific Standard.

Kaufman, B.F. (2012). Pride and Creativity. The Creativity Post. http://www.creativitypost.com/psychology/pride_and_creativity

Seligman, M. (2011). Flourish. A visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being.

Tracy JL, Robins RW. (2007a). Emerging insights into the nature and function of pride. Current Directions in Psychological Science. 16:147–150.

Williams, L. A. & DeSteno, David. (Jun. 2008). Pride and perseverance: The motivational role of pride. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 94(6), 1007-1017.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

 

Categories : Counseling, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Self-Esteem, Self-Validation (affirmations), Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : counseling, mental health, relationships, self-care practices, self-esteem, SELF-VALIDATION (AFFIRMATIONS), stress management

Self-Control: What do I do with Guilt?

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 February 26, 2015
  · No Comments

Wouldn’t it be great to build up our self-control “muscles?” More “staying power” could make a big difference in so many areas. What if we could increase our ability to:

  • Say “no” to that last piece of pie.
  • Hold our temper a little longer.
  • Save some extra money instead of blowing it on the next cool gadget.
  • Study just a little longer when everyone else is outside having fun.

Self-Control

Is it possible to acquire self-control and then build it like you would exercise a muscle? According to a recent compilation of lab experiments on self-control, four emotional characteristics were shown to boost our self-control (Desteno, 2014).

  • Gratitude
  • Compassion
  • Guilt
  • Authentic pride

Over the past few weeks, Fuller Life’s blog has explored how to develop the characteristics of gratitude and compassion. Today’s post will focus on the importance of guilt.

Guilt vs. Shame

How can guilt become a motivator to help a person stay on task and achieve goals? In order to understand this better, it is important to shed some light on the distinction between guilt and another important emotion – shame.

In 1971, Helen Lewis, a clinical psychologist at Yale, defined the difference between these two emotions:

“Guilt: I did that horrible thing.

Shame: I did that horrible thing.” (Lewis, 1971)

The difference is subtle, but significant. Guilt is about my behavior. Shame is the experience that tells me that I am worthless.

According to Brené Brown’s recent TED talk, the distinction between these two emotions has a monumental impact on our well-being.

“There’s a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here’s what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here’s what you even need to know more. Guilt, is inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we’ve done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s adaptive.”

In other words, guilt is a resilient characteristic. It allows us to bounce back from painful circumstances and mistakes. We are able to learn from our mistakes and stay connected with the people we love. Shame, on the other hand, is like quicksand. It sinks us down into feeling helpless and powerless to change things for the better. Shame makes us want to hide. It pulls us further away from the support of others. The endless downward cycle fuels addiction, anxiety and depression.

Guilt and Self-Control

How is this distinction important when it comes to self-control?

The shame cycle is defeating. The shame cycle disconnects us from others. “I yelled at someone I love… Or, I missed that important meeting. I am worthless, so why bother? Why even try? I am unfixable. It isn’t going to matter anyway.”

A shame response leaves us with nowhere to go.

“Shame is an acutely painful emotion that is typically accompanied by a sense of shrinking or of ‘being small’ and a sense of worthlessness and powerlessness. Shame often leads to a desire to escape or hide – to sink into the floor and disappear” (Tangey and Dearing, 2003).

Conversely, a guilt response is adaptive. “I made a mistake. I yelled at the person I love… Or, I missed that important meeting. I feel terrible about it. I am sorry. I will try to do better next time.”

A guilt response connects us to all of humanity because we all make mistakes. We feel remorse, can change our course and then create something better.

“Guilt is a useful emotion. It pushes people to repair the harm they did. But feelings of shame about oneself seem to motivate people more to want to hide, escape, deny or a lot of times to blame other people” (Bernstein, 2014).

Make a Move Toward Guilt

Below are some resources that provide tools to help us break out of a shame cycle (shame resilience) into a more adaptive guilt response toward self.

  • Test of Self-Conscious Affect (TOSCA) is a quick little quiz that shows whether we are more guilt-prone or shame prone.
  • Shame Resilience: How can respond to ourselves when we experience shame.
  • Brené Brown Listening To Shame

Brené Brown: 3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral

If you're caught in a shame spiral, Brené Brown says there are three things you can start doing today to break the cycle: Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love; reach out to someone you trust; and tell your story.

Our next blog will explore authentic pride, another characteristic that builds our capacity for self-control.

Fuller Life Family Therapy is here to support and encourage those on their journey toward a fuller life.

References

Bernstein, E. (November 3, 2014). Guilt Versus Shame: One is Productive, the Other Isn’t, and How to Tell Them Apart. Wall Street Journal.

Brown, B. (March 2012). TED Talk. Listening to Shame. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

Lewis, H. (1971). Shame and Guilt in Neurosis. International Universities Press.

Tangey, J., and Dearing, R. (2003). Shame and Guilt: Emotions and Social Behavior. The Guildford Press.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Self-Validation (affirmations), Sticky
Tags : guilt versus shame, guilt vs shame, self-care, self-control, shame versus guilt, shame vs guilt

Self-Control: Compassion Works

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 January 27, 2015

Many create New Year’s resolutions in hopes of a healthier lifestyle. But experience of past resolutions often reminds us that it can be daunting to keep up with new goals. As the year gets hectic, one’s ability to stick with resolutions may wane. How can we build staying power? One way is to develop our capacity for self-control.

Self-Control

Is it possible to acquire more self-control? According to a recent review of research on the subject, the practice of four emotional characteristics can enhance our self-control (Desteno, 2014):

  • Gratitude
  • Compassion
  • Authentic pride
  • Guilt

Over the next few weeks Fuller Life will continue to explore these characteristics. Our last post focused on gratitude and this one is focused on compassion.

Compassion and Self-Compassion

Compassion is an emotion that involves noticing and feeling moved to care. The first part is to notice and see another person in the midst of their suffering, frustration, disappointment, grief or hurt. When we allow ourselves to turn toward and notice another person, we are naturally moved to respond to a fellow human being with care and concern.

Self-compassion is the same thing. The only difference is allowing ourselves to see our own struggle, and respond to ourselves with care. When we learn to respond to ourselves with kindness and compassion, we calm the body and create space to respond courageously with our best selves. This is not the same as self-pity.

“Self-compassion isn’t poor me. Self-compassion is: ‘It’s hard for all of us… the human experience is hard for me, for you, this is the way life is.’ It’s a much more connected way of relating to yourself. And this is why mindfulness is so important. When we are mindful of our suffering, we see it as it is, we don’t ignore it, but we also don’t over exaggerate.” Kristin Neff

How Can We Build Compassion For Others?

One way we can build compassion for others is to practice on ourselves. We can be our worst critic and beat up on ourselves when we fall short on hopes and goals. When we talk to ourselves with criticism and self-judgment, we fuel anger and anxiety. We can even increase the odds that we will get frustrated and want to quit.

Kristin Neff has found that “people who can first give themselves emotional support and validation will be in a better position to be giving, accepting and generous to their partners.” She also found that “people who nurture self-compassion have better overall psychological and emotional health, experience less anxiety and depression, and are more motivated to achieve their goals.” (Randall, 2013)

Here are some tools to get started:

  • A quiz to assess your current level of self-compassion.
  • A self-compassion exercise to get a small hint of what this looks like in practice: Self-Compassion Exercise
  • Compassion Meditations designed to increase experience of compassion for self and others.

Time to Slow Down

In a recent TED talk, Daniel Goleman explored the things that keep us from compassion. One of the main obstacles is being in a hurry.

“A group of divinity students at the Princeton Theological Seminary were told that they were going to give a practice sermon and they were each given a sermon topic. Half of those students were given, as a topic, the parable of the Good Samaritan: the man who stopped to help the stranger in need by the side of the road. Half were given random Bible topics. Then one by one, they were told they had to go to another building and give their sermon. As they went from the first building to the second, each of them passed a man who was bent over and moaning, clearly in need. The question is: Did they stop to help? The more interesting question is: Did it matter they were contemplating the parable of the Good Samaritan? Answer: No, not at all. What turned out to determine whether someone would stop and help a stranger in need was how much of a hurry they thought they were in. And this is, I think, the predicament of our lives: that we don’t take every opportunity to help because our focus is in the wrong direction.” (Goleman, 2007)

The conclusion of the experiment was that the student’s compassion was not significantly influenced by studying the passage on compassion, but more by the student’s belief that they were in too much of a hurry.

When we get overwhelmed or in a rush, this impacts our ability to be present and compassionate with ourselves, and others we care about. One way to build compassion is to slow down the pace of life. Leo Babauta has some great ideas for how to slow things down.

Over the next few weeks, we will continue to explore characteristics that develop our capacity for self-control such as authentic pride, and guilt. Fuller Life Family Therapy is here to support and encourage those on their journey toward a fuller life.

More Resources on Building Compassion

http://zenhabits.net/a-guide-to-cultivating-compassion-in-your-life-with-7-practices/

http://www.self-compassion.org

http://www.mindfulselfcompassion.org/meditations_downloads.php

Desteno, D. (2014) A Feeling of Control: How America Can Finally Learn to Deal With Its Impulses. Pacific Standard, The Science of Society. (http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/feeling-control-america-can-finally-learn-deal-impulses-self-regulation-89456/)

Goleman, D. (2007). TED. (http://www.ted.com/talks/daniel_goleman_on_compassion?language=en)

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : compassion, gratitude, self-care practices

Is it Okay to Feel Sad Over the Holidays?

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 December 11, 2014

The holiday season is often filled with a mixture of feelings. Many of us believe that we are supposed to feel happy and lighthearted this time of year. It may appear that everyone else around us has it “all together” and is having a good time. Could something be wrong if we actually feel sad?

Sadness is actually very common for many during this time of year.

“Listening in” to our sadness may be the beginning of a journey toward healing.  Our emotions (e.g., happiness, anger, sadness, fear, etc.) give us clues to better understand ourselves and navigate the world we inhabit. Our body is telling us that something may need to change so that we can live more fully. There are a number of possibilities that can contribute to feelings of sadness such as unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others, fatigue, poor nutrition or physical health, destructive relationship patterns, and even the belief that we need to be perfect.

According to Dr. Heidi, Lepper ,

“Sadness must be viewed as a temporary and useful state. It is okay to be sad! It is there to help you learn something important, and that is to solve a problem! When you protect yourself from it, avoid it all together, put it in your pocket, or surround yourself with people trying to “cheer” you up, you just eliminated learning something useful. First, that you have the ability to make solid changes to the loss or failure that warranted the sadness and second, that you have a tool bag to go to to cope until that change takes effect. Again, sadness, like all emotions, is a temporary state, our bodies do not sustain the emotional impact for long, so use it while you have it.”

How can we respond to ourselves when we feel sad? We can create a plan of self-care. Here are a few ideas to get started:

  • Try not to beat yourself up with how you “should” feel. When we learn that sadness is a normal experience that is common during the holidays, it takes the pressure off of having to be or feel a certain way.
  • A little self-compassion goes a long way. Write out some ideas on how you can be kind to yourself when you feel sad.
  • Establish more realistic goals and expectations. Make a list of all of the extra to-do’s and cross some things off the list.
  • Get some rest. When we skip out on sleep in order to keep up with all of the extra demands, it can increase irritability and impact our ability to think clearly.
  • Make a little time to exercise. A brisk walk or jog can really improve one’s mood and give a little bit more energy to meet the extra demands.
  • Practice gratitude. Noticing just a few blessings every day can actually increase feelings of hopefulness.
  • Find someone supportive and trustworthy to talk honestly and openly about what the sadness means for you.

If you feel sad today, you are not alone. Fuller Life Family Therapy is here to support and encourage anyone on their journey toward a fuller life.

For more ideas on “beating the holiday blues” check out these links:

  • Holiday Depression, Anxiety and Stress
  • Help for the Holiday Blues

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Depression, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : compassion, counseling, depression, gratitude

Gratitude Builds Self-Control

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 November 4, 2014

Thanksgiving is almost here. And while this may seem an odd time to begin working on self-control, an active gratitude practice can help us stay focused and achieve our long-term hopes and dreams.

Just think of some of the potential benefits of gratitude:

  • Ability to say “No” to that last piece of pie.
  • Ability to hold our temper a little longer when in conflict with our spouse. (Does Gratitude Matter in Marriage?)
  • Ability to save some extra money instead of blowing it on the next cool gadget.
  • Ability to study just a little longer when everyone else is outside having fun.

Gratitude comes in handy. According to a recent compilation of lab experiments on self-control, four practices were shown to build our capacity for self control. These include gratitude, compassion, authentic pride, and guilt.

“The answer is to cultivate the right emotions, the prosocial ones, in daily life. These emotions— gratitude, compassion, authentic pride, and even guilt—work from the bottom up to shape decisions that favor the long-term. If we focus on instilling the capacity to experience these emotional states regularly, we’ll build resources that will automatically spring forth in reflexive and productive ways. In essence, we’ll give ourselves inoculations against temptation that, like antibodies in our bloodstream, will be ready and waiting to combat possible threats to our well-being.” (David Desteno, September 15, 2014, Pacific Standard, The Science of Society).

Ideas for Daily Gratitude Practice

Family at dinnerA great way to create a gratitude habit is to spice it up with different types of gratitude practice. Feel free to choose two, three, or all of the exercises below to get started. Remember it takes sixty-six days to create a new habit, so these exercises may not come naturally in the beginning.

  • Say “Thank you” for the mundane. “Sometimes we get so used to our partner, our mama or our kids doing the things they’ve always done — making breakfast, taking the trash out, sending us surprise packages, dressing themselves in the morning — that we forget to appreciate these small gestures. Don’t take those tiny moments for granted! Start with a small, specific and frequent, “Thank you.” (Stratejoy: 9 New Ways to Practice Gratitude)
  • Gratitude Journal: At the end of each day write three things you are grateful for.
  • Share gratitude at the dinner table.
  • Designate a glass jar as “The Gratitude Jar.” Write blessings on strips of paper at the end of each day and add them to the jar.
  • Say “Thank You” to everyone who serves you throughout the day: the cashier, waiter, grocery store clerk, etc.
  • Share “three blessings” every day with loved ones, friends, or family members.
  • Write a letter of gratitude to someone. Then, take it to them and read it in person.
  • Turn off the electronics and challenge yourself to say “thank you” for as many things as possible during your walk or drive.
  • For 100 days take a picture of something you are grateful for and share it with friends and family via social media.
  • Practice a Gratitude Meditation at the beginning of each day.

Over the next few weeks, Fuller Life will explore the other practices that build self-control: compassion, authentic pride, and guilt. Until then, enjoy this incredibly beautiful and inspiring TED talk about Gratitude created by cinematographer, Louis Schwartzberg and David Stendl-Rast.

Louie Schwartzberg: Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

Nature’s beauty can be easily missed — but not through Louie Schwartzberg’s lens. His stunning time-lapse photography, accompanied by powerful words from Benedictine monk Brother David Steindl-Rast, serves as a meditation on being grateful for every day.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Gratitude, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : gratitude, relationships, self-care practices, self-control

Are You or Someone You Know In An Abusive Relationship?

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 October 2, 2014

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. With this in mind, Fuller Life has created a resource page for those who wonder if their relationship is abusive, as well as those who may know someone in an abusive relationship.

*Safety Alert: Computer use can be monitored and is impossible to completely clear. If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−7233 or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Is My Relationship Abusive?

For those that wonder if their relationship is emotionally destructive, Leslie Vernick created an “Emotionally Destructive Relationship Quiz” to help create some clarity. At the end of the quiz is a description of how the selected answers match up with different types of destructive relationships.

Broken heartWhat if someone I know may be in an abusive relationship?

Offer support without judgment of criticism. Let them know that they are not at fault and that they are not alone. Encourage them to get help and respect their decisions.

Check out this helpful resource for friends and family members of those in abusive relationships: Help for Friends and Family

If you think your friend is in danger, or you want more resources to bring to your friend, help is available 24 hours a day from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224.

How Can My Church Help?

In a recent article, Churches and Domestic Violence, Chelsie Sargent created some excellent advice on how churches can be involved in being part of the solution for the violence in many families. “As a people called to participate in God’s healing of our world, the church is strategically aligned to be first responders to domestic violence. What would it look like to create a sheltered place where people can share the inner workings of their relationships? How do we develop a safe haven for women (or men) experiencing abuse in their marriage?”

Domestic Violence Resources

  • Signs of Domestic Violence and Abuse
  • Red Flags
  • Create A Safety Plan
  • Financial Tools for Survivors of Domestic Violence
  • Help for Abused and Battered Women
  • Private Online Support Group with Trained Advocates

Fuller Life is actively involved in creating support and healing for families in abusive situations. Since February of 2013, Fuller Life has offered free counseling services for domestic violence survivors in the crisis center at Katy Christian ministry. Fuller Life will continue to work as advocates for change with families and other Houston agencies in the years to come.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Domestic Violence, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : Domestic Violence, Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, Spiritual Abuse

Person and Machine: A Guide to a More Balanced Life

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 September 11, 2014

Social Networking and Well-Being

We all know too much of a good thing can make us sick… whether it be too much chocolate, too much exposure to sunlight, or even too much time with social media.

Online social media has been around for a little over ten years and is the “go to” thing for connection. It is a great way to stay in touch, increase business visibility, connect with like-minded individuals, and stay informed about local events. But what do we know about the impact on our overall well-being and life-satisfaction? According to the research we are learning the more time spent on social media technologies, the more negative the impact it has in these areas:

  • Increased anxiety
  • Increases in depression and loneliness
  • Elevation in blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol levels
  • Decline in life satisfaction levels
  • Decline in subjective well-being
  • Decreased trust in people
  • Increased isolation from others
  • Associated with addiction and dependency

These findings can feel a little frightening. What can we do when everyone around us expects us to be “online” 24/7? How can we possibly slow down when everything in our society is going faster and faster? What can we do when our technologies seem to be in control? Awareness is key. When we are more aware of the potential dangers, we can create a new relationship with our technology that takes our well-being into consideration.

We Can Take Personal Action with Awareness and Balance

Increase Awareness

Now that we know some of the dangers of too much time with technology, we can respond to ourselves with more awareness. One way to increase awareness is to take notes about the time spent on the computer, phone, or tablet. Rate on a scale of 1-10 (1 = none, 10 = extreme) how you feel in some of the areas listed above; such as mood, anxiety level, feelings of loneliness, life-satisfaction, etc. Rate yourself at the beginning and at the end. Notice any differences.

This information can help us learn to tune-in to our bodies. We can listen to how we feel and respond to ourselves according to what we experience. If we notice we are becoming more anxious or moody, stop and engage in something else. If it is difficult to come up with something to do, Fuller Life has a number of “healing practices” that are enriching for both the body and spirit.

Create Balance with Technology

One of the challenges of social media is that it begins to crowd out other things that are important in our life. It can easily slip more and more into every crevice of our day. What if we could engage online in a way that creates balance between our technologies and our face-to-face experiences? We can set aside tech-free zones that protect our well-being and cultivate close relationships. MIT professor, Sherry Turkle, calls these times “sacred space.”

Sacred space is for me the places in your daily life you want to keep for yourself and the people who you need to give full attention to… It’s dinner, it’s sharing meals with your family, it’s that moment at school pickup when your kid looks up and is trying to meet your eye. Sherry Turkle

Here are some ideas to try out with your friends and your family.

Tech-Free SpacesDinner Time

  • Time in nature with a friend
  • Time around the dinner table
  • School pick-up and drop-off
  • Date night
  • Study time for exams
  • Tech free zones in the home
  • Bed-time

Every new practice takes time to feel natural. It takes at least 66 days to create a new habit. Experiment with one or two of the ideas up above, or create your own possibilities, and notice what happens.

It is essential to change our relationship with social media because it is here to stay. With awareness and balance, we can respond to our technologies in a way that puts us back in the driver’s seat, so that our health and wellness are no longer at the mercy of our machines.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Covid-19, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : boundaries, mental health, self-care practices, social media, social networking, stress management

Who Else Wants to Feel Human?

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 July 17, 2014

What can we do to feel more human today? Some days we may feel like we are running on autopilot, or like robots perpetually running on empty. This is especially true when the spaces in our lives squeeze together. Parenting, care-giving, crises, and life transitions have the potential of squeezing our self-care abilities below the bare minimum, leaving us in a self-care deficit.

When we are in the middle of “the squeeze,” the things that used to be nourishing or important tend to take a back seat to the more urgent or pressing tasks at hand. This way of living is unavoidable at times, but cannot be sustained for long periods without impacting health and emotional wellness. What can we do to feel mostly human?

In her book, The Life Organizer, Jennifer Louden discusses the practice of allocating minimum requirements for self-care, or MRSC’s.

“MRSC’s are the basic things you need to stay in touch with yourself, to have a strong foundation to meet the rather constant challenges of life, and to ease the noise in your head. Things like loving yourself with yoga, getting enough sleep, being outdoors in the teasing spring wind, saying no to a great invite because you need time to putter alone. They aren’t sexy, they aren’t earth shattering, but without them, you tend to get all blurry and knotty and resentful.” Jennifer Louden

What are your MRSC’s? What are the very basic, simplest, minimal things that are essential to feel human each day? When we allow ourselves even the bare minimum, we may be able to navigate the difficult stretches of our lives in a more sustainable and compassionate way.

Helpguide.org has some great ideas on how to manage stress and nourish ourselves. Some of these include:

  • Go for a walk
  • Spend time in nature
  • Call a good friend
  • Sweat out tension with a good workout
  • Write in your journal
  • Take a long bath
  • Light scented candles
  • Savor a warm cup of coffee or tea
  • Play with a pet
  • Work in your garden
  • Get a massage
  • Curl up with a good book
  • Listen to music
  • Watch a comedy”

When life is more open, we will have time for each one of these tools and many more. But, when the space in life narrows, choosing one or two things a day, the basic MRSC’s, will go a long way in helping us feel more human.

I visited with a male friend of mine and he shared his list of MSRC’s:

  • A cup of coffee in the morning
  • Riding his motorcycle to work
  • The satisfaction of finishing at least one significant work task
  • Tasty food
  • Coming home to family
  • Time in the recliner
  • Quiet time after everyone’s gone to bed

Some of my personal MRSC’s are:

Daily :

  • Hugs and I Love You’s
  • Daily vitamins
  • Plenty of sleep, including occasional naps
  • Basic nutrition

Occasionally throughout the week:

  • Walking in nature
  • Yoga

Every person is different, so take some time and notice what little things make the day a little better. Then, add a couple of these into your daily routine and notice what happens.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : self-care
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