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Archive for Emotional Intelligence

How Often do you Care for Yourself?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 January 31, 2019
  · 1 Comment

Self-Care Sunday

The phrase self-care is becoming more and more popular. It is a phrase we hear all over social media or in conversations with friend, and it has even become its own hashtag, ex: #selfcaresunday on Instagram.  However, sometimes it is used more as an excuse to self-indulge and less as a practice of *self-compassion. So, what does actual self-care look like?

From a therapeutic stand point, it looks like taking care of yourself in multiple ways. It can look like eating well, exercising, practicing mindfulness or even engaging in spiritual practices. It can involve making space to spend time with loved ones. In addition to taking care of your physical and emotional health, it is equally important to attend to the mental aspect of self-care.The mental aspect of self-care is an area of ourselves that we can often neglected if we are not being intentional. How often do you take time to sit with yourself to see where your mind is and what is going on? Do you find yourself constantly trying to keep busy or distracted so you don’t have to think? If this at all sounds familiar, then you may want to keep reading to find some ways you can take time to care about yourself on the inside. 

What does your self-talk sound like?

It is important to make note of how your self-talk impacts your self-care. Consider the following, how kind are you being to yourself as you go about your daily routine? How easy or challenging is it for you to say compassionate things to yourself when you make mistakes? In the wise words for Ru Paul, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Often times we do not want to take time to notice how damaging a lack of self-kindness can be to our mind. Consider the R.A.I.N. exercise which can be used as a way of exploring yourself and what you are feeling in a compassionate and non-judgmental way. Self-care is a choice that has to be made on a daily basis. In this life you will constantly face situations in which you will have to choose between being kind to yourself or negate yourself the opportunity to experience kindness in that moment. 

How do you take care of yourself through adversity?

Part of life includes dealing with the consequences of our choices. We also cannot avoid life’s random accidents which can  bring adversity. During these times, how do you deal with yourself and others? How do you respond? Do you engage in self-care or is that the first thing to go out of the window? In the Bible, the author of Colossians 3:12 invites the reader to consider clothing themselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, there is value in noting that the author is asking the audience to consider choosing to live in a compassionate way through all that life can bring.  

Life is all about how we chose to face it. So reader, I challenge you to choose to respond to yourself with  kindness and compassion on a daily basis, because you already know what the alternative is. If you find yourself at a place where you are already working on these issues, then I commend you for having the courage and strength to practice self-care. However, if you are at a place where you are uncertain about what steps to take, then perhaps consider visiting a counselor who can help you in your journey towards greater self-care.

* Self-Compassion: Recognizing your own pain, suffering or discomfort and then choosing to respond with kindness. 

Other resources to consider:

Self-Care for the Real World

The Practice of Resilience

Create & Grow Healthy

Manet Castaneda, Resident Therapist, Fuller Life LOOP and WEST

Manet Castaneda, LPC-InternResident Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller PhD, LPC-S, LMFT-S

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform. 

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Covid-19, Emotional Intelligence, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Self-Esteem
Tags : cognitive reframing, emotional intelligence, emotions, lifestyle, mental health, self care, self-awareness, self-care practices, self-esteem

Me, Myself, and I

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 July 23, 2018
  · No Comments

The Self 

The self is our sense of personal identity, it is a mental picture that we have of ourselves based on a number of things. The self is comprised of our moods, cognitions, behaviors, and relationships. Furthermore, the self is made up of our unique personal traits, physical characteristics, abilities, values, roles, and goals. Our sense of self begins to develop as young children and continues to develop throughout our lifetime. The experiences that we encounter throughout our lives have an impact on who we are and how we perceive ourselves. At times, it can be easy to lose our sense of self due to the interactions that we have with others, particularly loved ones. It is because of this that it is important to have a clear understanding of who we are.  

Self-Awareness   

Developing greater self-awareness is a necessary skill to learn if one is interested in growing as a more balanced and confident adult. Self-awareness is the extent to which we are focusing on and aware of our own self- concept. Our self-concept can be accessible for short periods of times like when we are in front of a mirror and we suddenly become aware of ourselves, or for longer periods of time like when we are clear and aware of our sexual preference. Because self-awareness comes and goes it is easy to lose sight of who are, and therefore more likely to violate our own values and norms. This is especially true when we are in a group setting where there is more pressure to conform to the group mentality.  

Gaining Self-Awareness 

Increasing self-awareness can be achieved through a number of mindful and intentional practices. As mentioned earlier, it is a skill to develop, and therefore requires time and intentionality. One of the best ways to gain greater self-awareness is to process your life story with a mental health professional who can help you gain greater insight into yourself. Seeking the help of a counselor can not only help you become more self-aware, but also can help you understand yourself better. Another way to practice self-awareness is by committing to dedicating 15-20 minutes of your day to exploring yourself and what you are about. You might even consider writing down ideas about who you are and what your values and beliefs are in order to gain greater clarity. Lastly, one way to learn more about yourself is through personality tests like the famous Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram personality assessment.  

Being clear about who you are is essential for going through life, and learning to develop further self-awareness is a skill that can be developed through mindful and intentional practice. Because our sense of self is influenced and molded by the world around us, it is important to be clear about where we stand in that world. Our sense of self develops as we go through life, and because of this practicing self-awareness can aid in growing as balanced and confident adults.

 

For more information on the self and how to achieve greater awareness of the self, please visit: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/  

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/home.htm?bhcp=1  

http://open.lib.umn.edu/socialpsychology/chapter/4-1-the-cognitive-self-the-self-concept/ 

 

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Boundaries, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices
Tags : boundaries, emotional intelligence, mental health, mindfulness practice, self-awareness, Self-Care Practice

Do You Talk Dirty to Yourself?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 March 2, 2018
  · No Comments

If you find yourself guilty of engaging in harmful self-talk, do not fret, you are not alone. Many of us are guilty of using shaming or denigrating language to speak to ourselves on a daily basis. Our intimate thoughts can sometimes be a scary place, especially when they are riddled with negativity and self-hate. How often do we take time to notice the way we “talk dirty” to ourselves?

Better yet, how often do we take the time to reframe those negative thoughts into more compassionate musings? If you are like many individuals, it is likely that you have not taken the time to notice your negative self-talk, much less considered speaking more kindly to yourself. Here is a three-step process for identifying and reshaping damaging self-talk.

First Step: Notice our Dirty Talk

Where does our dirty talk come from? For most, it comes from a combination of experiences and interactions we have with others- parents, teachers, classmates or coworkers. Regardless of where your negative self-talk comes from, it is important to identify it and recognize how it infiltrates your day-to-day routine. Here are a few examples of distorted self-talk:

– I am not good at my job

– I’ll never be good at anything

– I am not smart enough

– If only I was thinner

– I’m so stupid

Second Step: Swap Your Dirty Talk

If you are able to identify your negative self-talk, then you are taking a step towards changing the way that you experience your world and the people in it. While identifying dirty talk is important, if what you want is to live a more growth promoting life then it is important make steps towards changing those self-damaging thoughts. One way to do this is by writing down your internal negative thoughts and reversing them. For example:

– I am not good at my job vs I work hard at my job

– I’ll never be good at anything vs I am good at several things

– I am not smart enough vs I work hard to learn new things

Third Step: Challenge Your Dirty Talk

The last step and possibly the most challenging, is to provide yourself with reasons why the reversed thought is true. Distorted self-talk is just that, distorted. Which means that the things you tell yourself are most likely untrue and there is evidence in your own experiences to prove this. For example:

– I am good at my job because I work hard to complete my tasks

– I am good at many things like reading, and helping around the house

– I am smart because I take time to learn new things

– I am not stupid because I am able to accomplish many tasks thought my day

Reframing your dirty talk may be a very challenging thing to do, especially when you are unaware that you are doing it to yourself. However, you can rise to the challenge. If you want to positively change the way you perceive yourself and your experiences, you can. Retraining yourself will take a conscious effort, but the outcome will be very rewarding. Change your negative self-talk step-by-step and leave the dirty talk for the bedroom.

For more information on changing your negative self-talk check out Dr. Helmstetter’s book What to Say When you Talk to your Self.

For more information on self talk, visit Taylor Dickerson’s blog.

 

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Cognitive Reframing, Cognitive Reframing, Compassion, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : cognitive distortions, cognitive reframing, mental health, positive self talk, self-awareness
Anger

Covered in Red: How the Brain Uses Anger to Hide Pain

Posted by Shani Bell on
 November 7, 2017
  · 1 Comment

Thats it! You have had enough. Someone around you has done the very thing you hate. Almost immediately, you see red. Or maybe the anger  slowly brews and builds rage over a long period of time.

What is really happening underneath the anger? Some mental health professionals refer to anger as a secondary emotion. According to Dr. Harry Mills, anger is the emotion we are most aware we are experiencing. However, anger usually just hides the presence of deeper and less comfortable emotions like sadness, guilt, embarrassment, hurt, fear, etc.

The Anger Umbrella

If umbrellas are protective devices that we use to shield ourselves from exposure to the elements, then we can see anger in a similar way. Anger can seem like an exhibition of power, potentially making a threatening presence back away. It can be loud, volatile and tense. Clinical and forensic psychologist, Dr. Steven Diamond explains that this can be very useful in the face of a true threat. Suppose an attacker lunges at you and you have nowhere to go. Anger would propel you into defense mode much more than fear, possibly saving your life.

But what anger can also do is shield others and sometimes ourselves from seeing the pain, embarrassment or other more vulnerable emotions that exist underneath. If your friend or spouses actions have triggered hurt for you and you believe feeling hurt may show weakness, being mad is likely to step in to try to ensure that no one takes advantage.

Anger and the brain

Interestingly, the brain moves us very quickly from these primary emotions to anger. It can happen so fast that we hardly even notice the switch unless we are aware enough to do some reflective backtracking. Dr. Seltzer describes how the brain releases the hormone, norepinephrine, into the bloodstream to numb mental or physical pain during an mad response. Basically, the brain uses anger to hide pain.

The Truth Shall Make You Free

Why is it important to expose the truth behind your anger? Because dealing with the root issue is much more effective than simply managing the anger symptoms. Oftentimes, in sessions with clients, I find that anger dissolves once the actual emotions behind them are identified. I can visibly see anger give way to the revelation of sadness or embarrassment. Once the client is honest about his thoughts and feelings, he is better able to process and heal from the root issue. The next time you recognize yourself responding in anger, try working through the following steps:

  1. What thoughts are connected to the anger? Suppose you are angry with your partner about not spending time with you. You may be thinking, He doesnt want to spend time with me which may lead to the thought, He doesnt think Im worth spending time with.
  2. What other feelings come up? When you identify the thoughts connected with the anger, you can then work through the deeper emotions connected to the thoughts. Take a moment to sit with the thought. Maybe you can journal about it. For instance, if you say to yourself, My partner doesn’t think that Im worth spending time with. This may uncover feelings of sadness, hurt or low self-worth from beneath the irritation.
  3. What do I do with what I have? Now that the thoughts and emotions within the anger have been identified, it is time to work through them and decide how you can respond in a way you value. Having new information about how you are thinking and feeling might give rise to new issues that need to be addressed. In the example above, you realize your belief is your partner does not think you are worth spending time with and this is connected to feelings of hurt and low self-worth. This enables you to talk with your partner from a more self-aware position and potentially improves understanding. You could also talk to yourself about your beliefs. Take time to consider how you determine your self-worth and if it is healthy.

Living Life Uncovered

You might notice that developing a habit of hiding painful emotions leads to habitual rage. Such a lifestyle of anger destroys relationships and creates bitterness. Have the courage to allow yourself to own the truth of your experience. Otherwise, holding onto hostility can keep you stuck.

There is a time and a place for anger to be expressed in healthy ways. Stay tuned for the follow-up to this blog to find out what healthy anger looks like.

Additional Resources:

Using Anger Constructively – An Angry Bird Philosophy

Contributed by Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

 

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Categories : Anger Management, Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Awareness, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : anger management, anxiety, Communication, emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, self-awareness, stress management

The Practice of Resilience

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 May 8, 2017

Everyone reaches a point when moving forward seems impossible. You feel you’ve given your best in your marriage, with your family and in your friendships. You’re are working harder and harder but none of your hard work seems to be paying off. You seem to fail repeatedly. What happens after you’ve tried and failed again and again?

Often, we feel hopeless.

In the 1960’s, researchers studied the learning process by conducting experiments measuring in response to rewards or punishments. This form of learning was called classical conditioning. Originally It was researched by physiologist Ivan Pavlov in his pioneering study who taught dogs to salivate at the ringing of a bell. The work of the 1960’s expanded upon the classical conditioning learning approach by investigating the role of motivation.

Dr. Martin Seligman, known as the father of Positive Psychology, and his colleagues conducted a similar experiment with dogs testing motivation. The dogs would hear a bell followed a light shock administered to the dog. In time, the dogs learned to respond to the shock when the bell sounded. Seligman and his fellow researches did not expect what happened next.

All the dogs were then placed in large crates with a low fence in between. One side of the fence had an electrified floor. Researches gave a light shock when the dogs were on the electrified side but to their surprise, the dogs did not jump to the non-shocking side of the fence. Instead, they laid down. The dogs learned from the first part of the experiment that they were powerless to avoid the shocks. A new set of dogs that had not experienced the shock jumped right over the fence.

This condition was described as “learned helplessness.” This is a state where someone does not attempt to escape a negative situation because the past traumas or persistent failure has taught them powerlessness.

In any situation where they have repeatedly tried and failed, people can develop learned helplessness.

But it can be unlearned.

Dr. Seligman wrote an article on how to become resilient. He offered these suggestions:

1. Increase mental toughness

Notice and dispute unrealistic beliefs. Often, our thoughts about the consequences or outcome have a greater impact than the consequences or outcomes themselves.

Dr. Seligman incorporates the ABCD model to explain:

C=emotional (C)onsequences (“I’m unloveable”) stem not directly from A = (A)dversity (Ex: crisis in relationship) but from B=one’s (B)eliefs about adversity (Ex:“’This is the end of the world for me”). The trick here is to (D)ispute unrealistic beliefs about adversity. (Ex: Is it really the end of the world?).

This ABCD approach was modeled from Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy Albert Ellis’ and is a way to create new possibilities by viewing setbacks in new ways.

2. Play to your strengths

Dr. Seligman oversaw the development of a test highlighting the core characteristics and best qualities of a person. Identify your strengths. Consider your top strengths and how each as allowed you to accomplish your previous goals. Take time to evaluate which strengths do not come as naturally to you and put effort into developing them. Write a narrative about how your strengths have served you in challenging situations.

3. Give yourself a real compliment.

Dr. Seligman said to be specific in your compliments. This idea comes from Carol Dweck, author of MindSet and next generation researcher of learned helplessness. Dweck believes most basic abilities can be developed through dedication, hard work and accurate praise. When you work hard, instead of telling yourself, “Good job. I’m awesome!” Be specific. Say, “Today I did a really good job at maintaining eye contact.” Or “I have been trying really hard the last few weeks to be attentive in my marriage by doing the dishes the way my wife likes.” “I have been training every day for a week even when I didn’t want to. I’m proud of myself for that.” When you’ve been working hard, reward yourself by stating it so it encourages you to continue in the future.

Resilience isn’t easy, but like any skill is learned. Take time to look at a situation differently, work your strengths as you move through it and acknowledge your hard work. Fuller Life helps people strengthen and motivate themselves towards long-term resilience.

Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Covid-19, Emotional Intelligence, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Stress Management
Tags : depression, resilience

Hell Hath No Fury… Understanding Women’s Anger

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 March 29, 2017
  · No Comments

What comes to your mind when you think of an angry man? Powerful? Intimidating? Persuasive? How about an angry woman? Emotional? Hysterical? Bitchy? Anger is one of those emotions that be challenging to express. It also appears to have a large divide in gender socialization.

Arizona State University and the University of Chicago conducted a study to assess how people perceive anger in women versus anger in men. They had 210 undergraduate students participate in a computerized mock-jury simulation with a five other “jurors”. In the scenario, one of the jurors (either male or female), called the “holdout”, would disagree with the participant’s opinion while the other four would agree. When the male holdouts expressed anger in the online conversation, the research participant showed less confidence in his or her opinion. However, when the female holdouts expressed anger, the participant became significantly more confident in his or her opinion. This happened  even though the male and female holdouts made identical arguments.

According to Salerno and Peter-Hagene (2015), these findings suggest that expressing anger can lead men to gain influence over others, but lead women to lose influence. It is unclear why people perceive anger differently in men and women, but it is clear that there is a difference to the disadvantage of women.

Sandra Thomas, researcher at University of Tennessee-Knoxville, spent 15 years studying women’s anger among Caucasian and African American women in the U.S., as well as women in Turkey and France, and asked the following questions.

What Makes Women Angry?

Thomas (2010) found that most women’s anger was related to “interpersonal interactions in which others deny women power or resources, treat them unjustly or behave irresponsibly toward them”.

How is Anger Experienced for Women?

The women in Thomas’s study expressed that anger is a confusing mix of feelings, and deeply connected with hurt, sadness and disillusionment. The women wanted – they wanted the people they cared about to show the same care for them.

(How) Do Women Express Anger?

Thomas found  that only 9% of women reported that they would express anger to the person making them angry. Instead, the women would ruminate on their anger, leading to more resentment. It is not surprising, then, that few participants reported having female role models who expressed anger in healthy ways.

Salerno and Peter-Hagene’s study as well as Thomas’s 15 years of research suggest a need for both the broader society as well as women specifically to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of anger.

A New Way of Looking at Anger

Karla McLaren, author and researcher, says that, when we work with anger, it can be our ally and help us become more authentically ourselves. She writes that anger’s job is like an “honorable sentry” who helps set effective interpersonal boundaries and maintain a sense of justice for yourself and for others. According to McLaren, suppressing anger leads to poorly defined boundaries between yourself and others. On the other hand, unhealthy anger expression, such as “exploding”, can lead to damaging relationships with others. She recommends taking a middle path called “channeling”, which means slowing down to listen to your emotions and then “completing the actions your emotions require so that they can recede naturally and gracefully”.

When you notice anger rising after being insulted or receiving unfair treatment, the questions McLaren suggests to ask yourself are “what must be protected?” and “what must be restored?”

How you answer those questions will give you the information you need to act in a way that is empathic and authentic.

 

 

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

 

Resources

http://karlamclaren.com/a-new-option-for-working-with-your-emotions/

https://works.bepress.com/sandra_thomas/24/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/people-reward-angry-men-but-punish-angry-women-study-suggests_us_561fb57be4b050c6c4a47743

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201511/why-dont-we-trust-angry-women

http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/lhb0000147

http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar03/angeracross.aspx

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger.aspx

 

 

Categories : Anger Management, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Sticky
Tags : anger, emotional regulation, women, women's anger

The Secret Life of the Introvert

Posted by Shani Bell on
 January 12, 2017
  · No Comments

The Myth

Are you the life of the party? The center of attention wherever you go? Then, clearly you are an extrovert, right? Not necessarily. Traits like being outgoing, friendly and confident tend to be more closely associated with extroverts than with introverts based on public knowledge of these terms, but these are not the real tell-tale signs. If we take a closer look at the essence of an introvert, we might find some hidden introverts among the class of outgoing attention-getters.

 

The Science

According to researcher Jonathan Cheek, there are actually four different types of introverts. His STAR model includes social, thinking, anxious and restrained. The first type, social, more closely fits the common understanding of introvert. This describes someone who is not timid but avoids the crowd and would prefer to stay home alone than party with friends. The thinker is a type who is described as imaginative and introspective rather than nonsocial. Those who are considered the anxious type are, like the social type, more socially averse. Their dislike of the crowd is due more to fear than personal preference. Finally, the restrained type is simply slower to get moving. These introverts tend to take their time processing information, thinking deeply before responding to a situation. But that does not mean that once they get going, they shy away from a social situation.

Scott Barry Kaufmann, finds that there are thinkers and restrained types that still score highly for in enthusiasm and assertiveness, traits people usually associate with being extroverted. Kaufman even stated that the social- and anxious-introvert may have an inward aversion to crowds but still have a desire to be highly social that causes them to move past their apprehensions. You might actually know (or be) an introvert who pushes herself to be a social butterfly.

So the science shows that determining the introvert is not quite as simple as comparing wallflowers to superstars. People are typically on a spectrum somewhere between introversion and extroversion. And introversion, itself, is a mixture of factors, such as introspection and level of sensitivity to the environment, that go beyond sociability.

The Point

Who really cares? You may wonder what the importance is of understanding introversion as a trait. Self-awareness and understanding those in your circle are key to properly caring for your own needs and knowing how to interact positively with others. Comprehending the tendencies of an introvert can help you identify when to give yourself or others space to re-energize. Knowing that you or a loved one may operate differently can lead to a greater sense of acceptance that nurtures positive relationship, either with yourself or the introvert in your life.

The Test

Do you think you are an introvert? Take this short test to see if you are and where you fit: http://www.quietrev.com/the-introvert-test/

 

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky, The Human Brain
Tags : emotional intelligence, human brain, mental health, self-awareness, social skills

Inner Conflict: The Refining Fire

Posted by Shani Bell on
 September 13, 2016
  · No Comments

Heartburn?

People tend to think of internal conflict as torturous personal turmoil. A big decision must be made or a circumstance must be handled. You wrestle with yourself in the middle of the night and feverishly try pushing uncomfortable thoughts out of your mind all day. You view the internal conflict, itself, as the problem and you struggle against it or try to ignore it. But imagine how your experience might be different if you consciously and compassionately acknowledged the presence of differing opinions within yourself?

The healthiest way to respond to nagging discomfort of inner conflict is to face it. By facing inner conflict, you have the opportunity to gain a strengthened sense of self, better problem-solving skills, increased authenticity, more self-compassion and increased integrity. But there’s no need to gather weapons and scream your battle cry.  The conflict is not the enemy. Think of it like a puzzle that requires mindful and nonjudgmental investigation.

Or Friendly Fire…

Linda Adams, President of Gordon Training International, says that when we truly look at our inner conflict, without judgment, and commit to healthy resolution, we become more of our authentic selves and more aware of our needs.

One way to approach inner conflict is to:

  • Make a list or chart of the varying options with which you are struggling.
  • Beside each, list the reasons why you would find this option valuable
  • Then list the perceived consequences or opportunity costs for each option

Now you have externalized your inner conflict so that you can take a more objective view. As you investigate, you might notice that you are considering certain options because they are what you “should” do. From Dr. Miki Kashtan’s perspective, this implies the presence of an externally imposed value from sources like your community, friends or family. You might notice that these do not exactly mesh with values that are authentic to you. The result is the discomfort of conflict. As you mindfully consider your inner conflict, you might find other sources of discomfort such as fear, unmet needs or perceived personal limitations. Whatever needs, values and insights are discovered, allow yourself the space and compassion to honestly acknowledge them.

When you become more aware of the sources of your conflict, you gain clarity about what is important to you. Only then can you make choices from a position of self-awareness. Many times the push and pull of personal decision making comes from our view that for any one problem, there are two possible,and polar opposite choices. “I will go to work or I will call in sick and go to the game” for example. It becomes an either/or dilemma. Dr. Kashtan highlights the limitations of either/or thinking, which gives the impression that sacrifice of one need or another is always necessary to resolve inner conflict. She instead proposes devising a strategy that allows you to attend to as many needs and values as possible. By investigating your desire to go to the game, you uncover a need to fully experience and enjoy life. You also value integrity which leads to uneasiness about lying to your boss. Knowing this, is it possible to find an event that allows you to enjoy life while maintaining your integrity and going to work?

Addressing internal conflict while making life decisions can become a complex adventure. If you need help finding your way, consider contacting a mental health professional in your area.

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management
Tags : anxiety issues, counseling, emotional intelligence, mental health, mindfulness, Problem Solving, self-care practices, stress management

Lessons on Materialism as Told by Rock ‘n’ Roll Legends

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 July 20, 2016
  · No Comments

We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with images of celebrities and their flawless bodies, luxurious homes, the latest fashion trends, and the coolest gadgets. In the midst of all of these things it can be easy to be swayed towards the belief that we are supposed to live our lives according to the standards that society sets for us. Consider the following questions:

  • Do you believe that you would be happier if you just had more money?
  • Do you envy those who have nicer belongings than you do?
  • Do you and your partner worry about accumulating wealth and assets?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider whether you are placing a high level of importance on acquiring wealth, and if so, what potential side effects this type of thinking may have on your life and relationships.

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

The Rolling Stones may have been on to something when they wrote I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, referring to not being satisfied by material things despite trying. Interestingly, according to Carolyn Gregorie of The Huffington Post, Americans have more cars and eat out more than they did roughly 50 years ago. However, despite having more, Americans are still not happier. Research has found that, although the levels of consumption have risen in the past 50 years, Americans’ overall wellbeing has declined.

You may be asking yourself, “Why does this all matter?” Well, if you believe that the solution to your problems is having more, you may want to take note that research has found having more does not necessarily mean you will be happier. In fact, it has found that those who work towards accumulating wealth and assets have a tendency to experience less positive emotions throughout their day and are less satisfied than those who do not pursue wealth.

Money Talks

In AC/DC’s popular song, Money Talks, part of the chorus says “Come on, come on, love me for the money,” as if having large amounts of money can make someone fall in love with you. Interestingly, research has shown that individuals who are materialistic may find themselves in unhappy relationships compared to those who do not place importance on their belongings and the acquisition of more. Jason Carroll, professor of family life at Brigham Young University found this is true for all income classes. Additionally, his study found that the least satisfying marriages were those in which both partners placed great importance on their possessions.

Carroll and his research team developed theories as to how materialism can affect a relationship, and they believe that it could be that those couples who spend more time focusing on accumulating wealth spend less time working on strengthening their relationship. Another theory that Carroll and his team considered was that reckless spending habits caused couples to have more stress and more discussions. Therefore they were more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationship.

Welcome to the Hotel California

The Eagles give their listeners a glimpse into the powerful trap of materialism in their popular song, Hotel California. The lyrics of the song paint a picture of a man caught in the life of luxury at the Hotel California, only to realize too late that he and everyone there “are all just prisoners… of [their] own device.” As if the effects of materialism listed above were not worrisome enough, studies have found that individuals who are materialistic are also more insecure, anxious, and depressed than those individuals who are not materialistic.

In a different study, psychologist Galen V. Bodenhausen and his team of researchers found that students who were exposed to images of luxury items and words compared to students who were exposed to nature scenes, rated themselves higher in anxiety and depression than the other students. This research is important because it indicates that people who have a mind frame of materialism may have higher levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to those individuals who do not.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

We live in a society that applies a great deal of pressure on its consumers to have more in order to be “happy.” We have been led to believe that satisfaction will come from collecting material things. However, this way of thinking does not guarantee happiness, stable relationships, or a reduction in anxiety and depression. In fact, being materialistic seems to provide the complete opposite by leading to less satisfaction, strained relationships, and higher levels of anxiety and depression.

If living the life of a rock ‘n’ roll star is not the way towards a life of happiness and fulfillment, then how do you find satisfaction? Perhaps it might be found in engaging in the opposite of materialism, gratitude. Recent studies on happiness suggest that having deep feelings of gratitude beyond good manners could contribute largely to our happiness. With all of this in mind, just remember the wise words of Axl Rose, ” nothin’ lasts forever, even cold November rain.”

 

 

Manet  Castaneda

Practicum Student Therapist

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

Manet Headshot 

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform. 

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : cognitive reframing, counseling, couples, depression, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, gratitude, marriage, mental health, mindfulness practice, Problem Solving, relationships, self-esteem, stress manage, stress management
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