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Counseling tools that help families create healthy interactions within relationships

How to Talk to Your Kids about Divorce

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

September 11, 2017

Going through a separation or divorce can be a painful and confusing time for many. It can be especially difficult when there are children involved. As a parent, you may be concerned about when is the best time to have a conversation with your children and what information to share – or not to share

Planning for the conversation

Dr. Herrick, psychotherapist, recommends telling your children 2 to 3 weeks before the separation. In an ideal situation, both parents will be present for the conversation. If this is not possible, it is important for the parent present to not speak poorly of the parent who is absent to ensure that the child does not feel pressured to take sides Once a general timeline has been set, it is time to decide on the logistics of where and when the conversation will take place. According to a research study done by Heather Westberg, the memory of this conversation, and how they were first told, sticks with children. It is important to spend some time thinking about the environment in which to talk with your children. For example, selecting a quiet, neutral location during a time of day when you will have some uninterrupted time together is best.

Rules of engagement during the conversation

After preparing the environment, comes the weighty task of actually having the conversation. Here are a few pointers to keep in mind while talking with your child…

1. Present as a united front.

Be respectful of one another and make it clear that while the both of you may disagree on various things, you do agree on doing what is best for your children.

2. Keep it simple and honest.

Do not share more information than the children need to know (e.g., financial arrangements, the details of your disagreements), but answer your children’s questions honestly when they ask difficult questions like, “What does divorce mean?” “Why are you leaving each other?”

3. Share the plan going forward.

Share with your children some of the major changes that will be happening. How long until mom or dad moves out? Where will the children be staying? What school will they attend? How often will they see each parent? Also be sure to reassure your children on things that will remain the same (e.g., school, neighborhood, Sunday dinners at Grandma’s, etc. )

4. Emphasize that this is your decision.

Make sure your children know that separation or divorce is not their fault and has nothing to do with them. Nothing they can do – good or bad, will influence the decision.

5. Stay true to your word.

In your conversation, make sure your children hear how much you love them. After the conversation, keep your word in showing your love to your children by spending time with them, encouraging them, showing affection and acting in their best interests.

6. Be prepared for unexpected reactions.

Your child may respond in a number of ways – anger, confusion, sadness, relief, or they may even appear not to respond at all. Rather than pushing your child to feel differently (i.e. “look at the bright side!”), remain curious and accepting of what they are feeling. Let your child know that it is okay to be sad, angry, confused, or relieved. Help them find healthful ways to share and express these feelings (e.g. drawing, journaling, being active, talking…)

Many parents are, understandably, concerned about how their child will cope with separation or divorce. While this will likely be a challenging time for both parents and children, ensuring that your children know they can come to you with their questions and feelings will help them through the process. For more resources on how to support your child through the divorce process, check out our ScoopIt! Page.

Resources

http://lisaherrick.com/separation-and-divorce-work/guide-to-telling-the-children-about-the-divorce/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-older-dad/201105/mom-and-dad-have-something-tell-you-six-tips-talking-kids-about-divorce

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Parenting

Tags : children of divorce, divorce, separation

The Ripple Effects of Autism Spectrum Disorder on the Family

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

June 29, 2017

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Angry outbursts and sudden withdrawal, hypersensitivity to touch and sound, yet insensitivity in interpersonal interactions – these seeming contradictions are all too familiar for families of children with autism spectrum disorder.

For these families, life may be draining at times with small tasks requiring much effort. Yet, discovering the world through the lens of an ASD child is something special. It goes without saying that a diagnosis of ASD impacts the entire family. Let’s take a look at the three major players: the child with ASD, the sibling(s) and the parent(s).

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

One way to think about ASD is the distinction between dynamic and static intelligence (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Children with ASD can have average to above average static intelligence. For example, they can remember facts about a topic of interest or rigidly adhere to rules and rituals. But, the struggle is with dynamic intelligence – being able to read the environment and to respond with flexibility. This is why we see kids with ASD often desiring consistency and struggling with transition and novelty.

Hope for Change

Good news! According to Sue Simmons of Equinox Family Consulting, dynamic intelligence can be taught. Dynamic intelligence is the ability to intuitively understand and respond according to a “feedback loop” of interaction. Information is sent out from A and received by B, and feedback is sent from B to A. Parents can help their children begin to understand the feedback loop by…

Slowing down everyday processes and interactions, explaining them step by step to their child and gradually introducing more novelty (Simmons, 2013).
Making the feedback more noticeable. Parents can exaggerate the feedback their child would receive based on their behavior by making responses more noticeable. For example, instead of expecting the ASD child to interpret subtle body language, clear and explicit statements like, “when you said/did that, it made me really sad/happy/mad, etc. ” or exaggerated facial expressions when mad/happy/sad/etc. will be more easily understood.

2. The Siblings

The siblings of children with ASD are at risk for higher emotional and behavioral problems (Solomon and Chung, 2012). At times, they may feel invisible – with much attention going to their brother or sister with ASD, the added responsibility required of them, and perhaps with restrictions on social activities. Or, they may feel the pressure to be in the spotlight – to overachieve in order to compensate for their sibling’s limitations (Solomon and Chung, 2012).

Making the “Invisible” Visible

There are many ways to let siblings know they are cared for…

Risk an outburst. While it is known to be helpful to stick to structure, schedules and routines with children who have ASD, it is okay to vary from this order at times (and potentially be met with a tantrum) to meet the needs of the other siblings.
Carve out one-on-one bonding time. Or, find other creative ways to make them feel special.
Encourage healthy peer relationships. Perhaps even with other children who have siblings with special needs.

3. The Parents

Learning of their child’s diagnosis is likely a daunting and upsetting experience for most parents. It may take time to learn how to cope with having an ASD child, as well as to learn how to grieve the loss of what they might have hoped and expected their child to be and to achieve. It can also be frustrating that in spite of good parenting skills and much patience, life with an ASD child continues to be challenging and stressful.

Research has shown that there is a “spillover effect” flowing both ways between the parenting relationship and the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016). A difficult day of parenting the ASD child can lead to the experience of fewer positive couple interactions. Similarly, when there is more negative emotions and tension in the couple’s relationship, it spills over into a more stressful parenting. Interestingly, what tends to be most stressful for parents is not the limitations of the ASD child as much as the handling of the negative behavior (tantrums, rituals, etc.) (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Parents of ASD children are also at risk for more disagreements as to how to best handle these child-related challenges. This can, in turn, cause strain on the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016).

Care for the Caregivers

Parents can take the following important steps to ensure that they are meeting their own needs and advocating effectively for the entire family…

Take time to invest in their marital relationship. Go out on dates, seek couples’ counseling, etc.
Discuss common goals and parenting strategies. Try to have both parents attend doctor appointments, IEP meetings, etc. to be on the same page.
Develop a strong support network. It can be easy for ASD families to isolate themselves. However, developing a strong support network and seeking out resources for the family will ease some of the burden on the couple’s relationship.

Learning how to balance the needs of the ASD child, sibling(s) and parent(s) will never be easy. But, for families of children with ASD, there is much to be gained in learning patience and compassion.

References:

Solomon, A.H. and Chung, B. (2012) Understanding Autism: How Family Therapists can Support Parents of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Family Process 51:250-264.

http://equinoxfamilyconsulting.com/intelligence/asd-help-understanding-dynamic-intelligence-versus-static-intelligence/

http://www.apa.org/pi/disability/resources/publications/newsletter/2016/09/parents-children-autism.aspx

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Developmental Disorders, Family Therapy, Parenting, Relationships, Social Skills, Sticky

Tags : ASD, autism spectrum disorder, family therapy

Four Truths about Stepfamilies that You Need to Know

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

February 15, 2017

· 1 Comment

Stepfamilies are, and have been, on the rise. In fact, over 50% of American families are remarried or recoupled. Yet, there appears to be limited conversation around what is gradually becoming the “norm” for the American family.

If you are in the process of “blending” families, here are some important pointers to consider:

Families don’t blend overnight

Patience is key to the process of blending families. It can take up to seven years to form a successful stepfamily. Unrealistic expectations of a quick and fairly smooth transition to becoming a family can be a major source of disappointment and strife. Be prepared for a slow, but hopefully rewarding, process!

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

Ron Deal, founder of Smart Stepfamilies, calls these “ghosts.” The “ghosts” could be wounds from the previous marriage, or injuries from family of origin relationships, or even unresolved hurts from the present relationship’s history. You might notice yourself or your spouse becoming especially defensive discussing a particular topic, or becoming exceedingly upset upon finding household items from your spouse’s previous marriage in your new home.

The danger of the “ghosts” lingering around without your awareness is that they often serve to place the “haunted” person in a posture of self-protection. It becomes difficult to build intimacy and form an “us” when both parties are busy protecting the “I.” You might want to ask yourself, “When I am not haunted by this ghost, how am I acting toward my partner in a way that is giving, serving and trusting?” (Deal, 2006). Or, if you notice your spouse struggling in the present with issues that have happened in the past, ask yourself “How can I show compassion to my spouse in this moment and not react defensively to his (or her) fear?” Forming a stepfamily involves a lot of risk-taking and courage!

The children are caught in the middle

While creating a stepfamily can be a time of great gain, it is also a season of considerable loss. A few of the losses incurred by the children may include the death of a parent, divorce or leaving a once familiar life. Give time for the children (and for yourself) to grieve these losses. It is not unusual to notice children feeling torn between wanting to be loyal to both biological parents. Occasionally children even take advantage of the fact that their biological parents are living separately and may not be on best terms with each other. For example, a child might find ways to avoid punishments or obtain extra privileges.

Step-parenting is a complex dance

You and your partner might have fallen in love with each other not fully knowing what you were bargaining for when adding the other’s children to the mix. Stepping into a child’s life is to be broached with caution. A rule of thumb for a stepparent is to enter the relationship gradually. Both boys and girls, though especially girls, prefer verbal affirmations, compliments, etc. as opposed to physical affection at the onset of the stepparent-child relationship.

Step-parenting is likely the most challenging aspect of forming a stepfamily. When it comes to discipline and nurturance, the biological parent takes the lead. It is recommended that the stepparent come in as a “babysitter” (Deal, 2006) or a “camp counselor”(APA, 2017) at first. This means that he or she is a responsible adult who is aware of and can enforce rules that are already in place, but doesn’t create new rules. When both partners have children, it is important to have a consistent set of rules, even if each parent takes the lead with their biological children (Deal, 2006). To support a stepparent, the biological parent may say something like “I know ___ is not your real mom (or dad), but when I’m not around, she (or he) will be enforcing the rules we all agreed on.”

This is not to say that the stepparent has no voice regarding their stepchildren’s behavior. Those conversations and negotiations can happen behind closed doors (Deal, 2006). Over time, as trust and mutual respect begins to develop between you and your stepchildren, you may be able to move into more of a “parental” role, disciplining and nurturing the children.

For more information and tips on how to make a successful stepfamily, check out our Scoop It! page on titled “Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families”.

References

Deal, Ron L. (2006). The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/8-myths-of-fostering-a-healthy-stepfamily/

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stepfamily.aspx

https://www.prepare-enrich.com/parenting.htm

http://www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/ghost-whispers

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/13/ghost-of-marriage-past_n_5490048.html

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Blended Families, Couples, Divorce, Family Therapy, Parenting, Sticky

Tags : blended family, stepfamilies, stepfamily, stepparenting

Get Better at Sex and Get Better at Life

Posted by Manet Castaneda on

January 7, 2017

· No Comments

Our sexuality is something innate to all of us. It can develop in complexity and variety as we mature. As we age, we engage in different types of relationships, and if we are lucky, we learn new things, and gain greater insight into who we are and what we like sexually. A lot of us make the mistake of thinking that being in a committed relationship means we stop growing sexually because we are limited to one partner. However, the opposite can be true. Being in a committed relationship can be very challenging and can push us towards growth in various ways. These three tips can challenge you to grow and develop your own sexuality, while at the same time help bring novelty to your sexual relationship.

Be Daring

A vast majority of us can perhaps admit to having secret sexual desires that we would not dare share with the people we are in relationships, perhaps out of fear of judgment or our own insecurities. Whatever the case may be, we may not realize that when we hide our desires and our true colors out of insecurities and fears, we are limiting ourselves in sex lives and the sex life of our partners. When you dare to try something new like using a sex toy for the first time or simply being able to speak your mind about how you like to have sex, you are challenging yourself and at the same time showing your partner a more daring side of you. It requires strength and maturity to show your partner who you are and what you are about between the sheets. Daring to be bold in the bedroom can enhance maturity and confidence, and at the same time turn up the heat in your relationship. The next time you have sex, dare to ask for a new position you’ve been thinking about, or buy a new sex toy you may want to play with. For more tips on how to be more daring and courageous in your sex life check out this talk with host Dr. Cory Allan.

Incorporate Playfulness

As mentioned previously, many of us have secret fantasies that we wish our partner would play out with us, but are afraid of what the other will think or we doubt our own sexuality and sensuality. Dare to add some novelty and spice in your relationship by perhaps taking a few hours on a weekend to reenact a secret wish that you or your partner may have. This may look like dressing up in sensual clothing, trying role play or could even being risky by using accessories like fuzzy handcuffs. Whatever tickles your fancy, challenge yourself by engaging with your partner in a playful manner, and remember it’s okay if your partner doesn’t want to play at that time, there is merit in taking risks. For creative role playing ideas and more visit Cosmopolitan.

Increase Intimacy

Sometimes sex in committed relationships can lack a sense of connectedness and intimacy. The reasons for this can vary, however, increasing intimacy through sex in relationships can bring changes and move people towards more meaningful and deeper ways of connecting. One “simple” yet challenging way of connecting with one’s partner is through eyes open sex as described by Sex is something that people engage in on a regular basis, but how many of those people are actually courageous enough to look into their partner’s eyes during intercourse? According to Dr. Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage, only about 30% of couples have their eyes open during sex. It can take courage and strength to try something new in the bedroom. Change starts with one person, so if your partner does not want to participate in eyes open sex, keep in mind that you can still keep your eyes open and see what you experience. For a more detailed description of eyes open sex, visit Dr. Schnarch and Dr. Morehouse’s website.

Sex is one of the most growth-promoting and enjoyable aspects of human nature, dare to try any one of these ideas to see how you and your partner can and move towards personal growth all the while adding more novelty in your sex life. For more ideas and resources for sexuality and relationships visit Dr. Amy Fuller’s website.

Resources

Dr. Cory Allan’s page: http://simplemarriage.net/podcast/sexual-courage/

Dr. David Schnarch and Dr. Ruth Morehouse’s pages: http://crucibletherapy.com/six-tips-creating-more-passionate-relationship http://passionatemarriage.com

Roleplay ideas: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a5143/tips-on-role-playing-first-time/

Other sex blog: http://amyfullerphd.com/blog/sex-therapy/

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Lifestyle, Marriage, Relationships

Tags : marriage, relationships. couples, sex

The Unique Approach of Marriage and Family Therapy

Posted by Amy Fuller PhD on

September 9, 2015

· No Comments

This video recently released by AAMFT illustrate the unique approach of the profession of marriage and family therapists.

Understanding the Benefits of Marriage and Family Therapy

Categories : Counseling, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Mental Health, Relationships

Resolutions With Staying Power

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

January 14, 2014

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A recent study pegged the top three resolutions of 2014 to be: lose weight, get organized, and spend less. The same study shows that only 8% of people are successful in achieving their goals. One reason these resolutions do not last may be that the changes are only surface level. Merely focusing on surface issues is somewhat like cleaning only a square foot of an entire room that needs tidying. As important as those immediate goals are, why not dig a little deeper into the more long-standing rhythms of life we have been living? The fourth most common resolution is to enjoy life to the fullest, yet so many of us struggle to know how that is done. Here are some simple guidelines to create lasting resolutions that tackle our whole, beautiful existence so we are able to truly enjoy life to the fullest (Statistic Brain, 2014).

Starting Off: Where do we still live in fear?

An excellent first step is to notice the areas where we are fearful in order to target tricky areas that need our attention. For instance, we may feel fear when thinking of our finances, relationships, specific habits or body image. This first step takes reflection and a tolerance for initial discomfort. However, the insight and awareness that we can attain by listening to our fears is invaluable, and thus takes priority. Beyond this, we can begin to address the different realms of life that intertwine to make a fuller life: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

Mental Well-Being: Never Stop Being a Student

Life never stops delivering its lessons, so we can refresh our perspective constantly by being a forever-student. We can learn from past mistakes, our relationships, or from our reflection. A wonderful guiding principle here is to always let what you learn challenge what you know. Other ideas include reading books not in your normal repertoire, attending a workshop or two that stretch your mind, or joining an academic circle that is out of your comfort zone. Have you always wondered about a particular profession or field of research? Clear a little time each week to get your feet wet, purely for the fun of it. We can even look to our relationships and challenge the status quo by making our interactions and responses more positive and encouraging. The best part is: this type of learning involves no grades!

Physical Well-Being: Balance Your Lifestyle

We have all heard it before: physical health rests on diet and exercise. In fact, we have heard it so many times, our minds are likely to tune out the message completely. However, if we can shift our perspective enough to see physical wellness more holistically – we can begin to feel freedom as we open up ourselves to more options for health. Diet and exercise are just two facets of a happy, balanced lifestyle. So don’t just exercise, engage in a fun, creative activity. Feel the joy of working muscles and a beating heart; feel the joy of each movement and breath. In addition, don’t just diet; eat lots of superfoods, and enjoy the effects it has on your body. And we do not have to stop there, we can look at how we spend our day. For one week, we can try logging how much time is spent on each activity. Chances are we might spot many areas of sedentary lifestyle plugged into our technology. Novelist Abha Dawesar asks the question: “Have our lives now become fixated on the drive to digitally connect, while we miss out on what’s real?” The frequent use of technology has powerful effects on our identity, lifestyle and overall wellbeing. The value of unplugging daily is crucial to our experience of a full life. Check out Dawesar’s whole lecture below for inspiring commentary on the role technology has in our life.

Spiritual Well-Being: Unleash Your Creative Spirit

There is more to unleashing our creative spirit than meets the eye. The process of expressing what lies within us is a validating experience that can open us up to so much life. Our initial responses to this task might be “I’m not creative” or “I’m too busy”. Each of us has an inner child and a playful spirit that needs to be expressed. A good first step is to loosen our ideas of what it means to be creative. Perhaps one person’s version of creativity involves creating a spreadsheet just for fun, while another’s involves writing a song about nonsense. Start small. Try taking a different route to work or shopping for groceries somewhere new. Build up creativity by encouraging play in your day which can further unlock your creative spirit. With regard to time, keep in mind that our busyness will never fully dissipate. Stress has a way of tricking us into feeling we need to complete everything all at once. If we can be reminded that this is an illusion, we will have greater ease in creating time for creativity. Creativity is essential to encountering the fullness of spiritual well-being.

Emotional Well-Being: “All You Need Is [Still] Love”

Marianne Williamson, celebrated author and lecturer, writes that the opposite of fear is love. “We have been brought up in a world that does not put love first, and where love is absent, fear sets in… It’s a terrible absence of what we need in order to survive” (Williamson, 2012, p. 22). We cannot underestimate the centering, transformative, purposing power of love in our daily lives. In each of our resolutions, perhaps we can include love; love for our bodies, love for our minds, love for those we share our lives with. Letting love grow into every small detail of our lives is perhaps the most paramount of steps to a fully enjoyed life. If it has been a while since we have felt love, we can start small by practicing gratitude. In all of these things, it is important to be compassionate and patient as we address these areas of our blessed lives. Try not to lose heart if results are not seen within the expected timeline. Deep, lasting change takes time and tends to be cyclical. So breathe… and take small steps daily towards truly enjoying life to the fullest. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Williamson, M. (2012). A return to love: Reflections on the principles of a course in miracles. New York, NY: HarperOne.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION STATISTICS – Statistic Brain. 2013 Statistic Brain Research Institute, publishing as Statistic Brain. JANUARY 1, 2014 http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

Tags : anxiety, breath work, creativity, gratitude, physical well-being, self-care practices

Five Simple Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

December 3, 2013

With the start of December comes an almost audible, collective tensing-up of family members world-wide. People everywhere are forming lists of tasks to be completed and items to be bought surrounded by the pressure of a competitive timeline. In addition, we may carry an unwritten list in our hearts of things that worry and scare us. We want the holiday season to be a time to focus on what matters most, yet it very quickly turns into a fast-paced game of survival. It is every man for himself! Most of us can relate to this feeling to some degree. If we merely survive the holiday season, we can be left with a sense of loss as it comes to a close.

What if we take a short break from what we brace ourselves for in order to entertain what we hope for this holiday season. Perhaps we hope for reconciliation with a loved one, reflection over a particularly trying year, time spent doing the things we enjoy most, or perhaps merely hope itself. If left unmanaged, the holidays can turn our lives into nothing more than a ‘quick succession of busy nothings,’ as Jane Austen writes. When we practice managing ourselves, we can actively create the rich, profound and blessing-soaked holiday we all hope for. My hope is that these simple steps can help each of us enjoy a holiday that vividly frames our lives with meaning and purpose.

Step One: Get in touch with your hopes. Start imagining what might bring your heart true peace this season. If you struggle in this first step, make a list of the things you value. A list might include exercise, laughter, good food, sleep, and time with a loved one or in nature. Then simply reflect on what insight your list gives you. You may find what you long for is rest, or connection, or safety. The goal here is to identify important goals and spiritual gifts that we might long for, and practice cultivating and receiving it daily.

Step Two: Guard your time. Your time is precious. It may help to budget how much time we want to spend on each task. When you reach the time limit: Stop. When we devote time to things that nurture our heart and soul, we stay connected to our meaning and purpose. Most importantly, set aside at least five minutes each day to sit in reflection or prayer. If this is a new practice for you, try to read up on ways to mindfulness and meditation.

Step Three: Free yourself! We can be the victor over the lists, the demands, the expectations and the increasing volume of the calendar. While we do need to carry on with our tasks, we are never to be made prisoner to them. If we can challenge our ideas of what needs to be done, ask for help whenever possible and practice self-compassion with our limitations – we can successfully free ourselves from feeling so trapped. Remember: We are in charge, not our lists!

Step Four: Lower your standards. In every possible moment during the holiday season, try to distinguish between the pressing and the essential. For example, a slightly messy kitchen may be the price for thirty minutes playing with the children or grandchildren. Consider it well worth the cost. Or perhaps we can let go of trying to do it all for everyone else in order to free up time to nurture our own weary soul. Each of us can likely stand to loosen our grip on perfection so as to receive what matters to us so much more. A meaningful holiday season is built on quality, not quantity. Glance back at your list of values or desired spiritual gifts, and make it a point to receive them this month.

Step Five: Entertain a fresh perspective. So much of our holiday season is contingent on the state of our family relationships. We can sometimes be steered into unrest by irritating family patterns. Perhaps this year’s holiday season is even dreaded, due to very painful family complications. Begin to respond to yourself with self-compassion and self-acceptance right in this moment, no matter the state of your family ties. Then slowly practice letting go of learned patterns. When we bring a fresh perspective to the way we see our family roles, our relationships, and ourselves, we create space to lead more fulfilling lives. Try new ways of relating to yourself and others, and let go of the expected. If the expected shows its face, show it a new side of you. Above all, we can always come back to self-compassion as we all muddle through the messier moments of the holidays; it often has a funny way of trickling over to other hearts as well.

There is an art to having a truly meaningful holiday season, and my prayer is that we can all have fun in the mess of learning it! May we each welcome this holiday season with confidence, focus and peace.

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Blended Families, Boundaries, Centering Prayer, Compassion, Counseling, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Relationships, Spirituality, Sticky, Stress Management, Time Management

Tags : adolescents, anxiety, blended families, boundaries, centering prayer, children, compassion, counseling, emotions, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, mindfulness practice, panic, spirituality, stress management, time management

How to Declutter Our Relationships

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

November 5, 2013

It seems we are living in the age of excess. Some call it the Information Age due to the seemingly limitless volume of information we can both learn about others and present about ourselves. There is a need to learn more, know more, talk more, acquire more, be more. Recent years seem to be characterized by a constant forward motion, fast-paced and infused with ambition and acquisition. And while we can be grateful for such a burgeoning age of life, our relationships can often get clogged with deprioritized issues that creep in and build silently. Patterns begin to develop in our relationships that leave us confused, and a little hurt. The good news is that there are some simple ways to tidy up those relationships, leaving more room for laughter, enjoyment and pure connection. Though these steps seem simple, they ask for something that is sometimes demanding: change. So if, on your journey to decluttering your relationships, you find that you need to reach for some outside help: keep in mind that Fuller Life Family Therapists are at the ready to be your loving guides!

Know yourself

One of the fastest ways to put your therapist out of business is to know yourself, through and through, because that’s half the battle. We are often mysteries unto ourselves, and the act of spending insightful time with ourselves is invaluable. As we build self-understanding, we’re able to claim greater freedom and clarity in our relationships. So start a journal, practice greater self-awareness in your interactions, and make time for self-reflection. In doing so, we can begin to see our strengths, weaknesses, quirks, needs and desires all the more clearly. Knowing ourselves is similar to looking at the room we have decided to tidy: We can’t bring order to the clutter until we first see the room for what it is.

Practice compassion.

When tackling clutter and mess, we can quickly grow hard on ourselves and others. The same can hold true when we begin tackling our relationships. One of the most powerful tools we can have at our disposal when doing this is compassion, both for ourselves and our relationships. Pema Chödrön writes about compassion, saying: “Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden us into resistance” (Chödrön, 2002). So as you uncover those messier areas of your relationships, remember to show compassion towards yourself and those you love. What we can hold onto is that we are worthy of love and connection, no matter what shade or color we find ourselves living in for the day.

Don’t forget to dream-build!

In any legitimate decluttering task, we have to have a plan for what we desire our space to be like. In the same way, we can get in touch with how we wish our relationships to look. An obvious caution to this tip is to stay grounded and connected to reality, so as to keep our vision within reasonable reach. However, we can enjoy the process of journeying into our very unique vision for ourselves and our relationships. One way to start is to begin making a list of what values you’d like to embody, and experience in your relationships. For example, “Connection, patience, laughter, peace, intimacy.” When you’re ready, return to your lists to build your vision into statements, such as “I want us to be more authentic in what we can share with one another,” or “I want to feel more peace throughout my day, no matter what comes my way”. If there are any tricky problem-area’s you want to focus on, reach for resources that can help along the way. For instance, learning to manage anger, anxiety or depression. However you proceed, have fun designing your inner rooms and common areas!

Cultivate a belief in change.

Any sizeable mess can cause us to begin to feel as though it will never be fixable. There is great importance in nurturing your ability to believe in change. A great place to start is to have an awareness of the patterns of your relationships, or perhaps of your own patterns in multiple relationships. As you begin to catch yourself in a familiar pattern, make a small change. You can pause your argument to tell a joke, or start a gratitude list when you’re feeling negativity close in on you. If you notice your words often don’t match what you mean, practice speaking more constructively. If you’re struggling to find your voice, show courage in your relationships through apology, assertion of self and speaking about the things that aren’t typically talked about. As you entertain a spirit of hopefulness for change, you will find yourself able to take incremental steps towards your goals.

Learn to hear your emotions.

American folk singer Jack Johnson sings, “You don’t always have to hold your head higher than your heart.” One of the most wonderful tools we have to use is our emotions. In the same way our stomach pains can tell us we’re hungry, our feelings can alert us when we’re in need of a change. Our anger can serve as a reminder that we’re not happy with how things are going. Guilt can let us know when we’re capable of more love and compassion. And pain can let us know our needs more clearly. So pay attention to your feelings, and grow your insight. If you’re brand new at this, perhaps you can start by taking an extra beat to notice and name your feelings the next time something comes up.

As we apply these guidelines, we can bring our relationships into ones of trust, patience, love and temperance. One last thing: Don’t forget to leave room for imperfection! Imperfection may well be the sweetest part of life, because it’s where our uniqueness can shine through. So where it can be endearing, give yourself permission to enjoy a margin for a little clutter.

Chödrön, P. (2002). The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times. Boston, MA: Shambhala.

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Divorce, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky

Tags : anger management, Communication, compassion, counseling, depression, emotions and relationships, Empathy, gratitude, parenting

Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

Posted by Scott Rampy on

March 18, 2013

· 1 Comment

In their popular parenting book Parenting with Love and Logic, psychologist Dr. Foster Cline and educator Jim Fay suggest that parenting is best done with the outcome in mind. (See below for bios of Cline and Fay). Parents want children to grow up into adults that make responsible decisions. As Gandhi is reported to have said, “The means are the ends in the process of becoming.” Applied to parenting, the strategy used in raising up kids is shaping the adults they will become. If a parenting strategy relies upon issuing commands, the child is being steered toward being an adept follower of someone else’s decisions. A brand new adult with little experience thinking, choosing a course of action, and negotiating the consequences is in serious danger of making life-alteringly poor decisions.

But what if the child could gain experience in thinking, deciding, and benefiting or learning from outcomes within the safe confines of parents’ boundaries? Cline and Fay’s model of parenting is based upon the parents making clear the acceptable options available to a child, allowing the child to make a decision, and benefitting or suffering from the consequences of their decision (when the child’s safety is not at risk). Love and Logic parents make use of questions: “Would you like ____ or would you rather ____?” These parents consistently place the responsibility of thinking on the children rather than over-functioning on behalf of the children. They love their children too much to shield them from the consequences of their decisions.

On the other hand, over-functioning parents rely on commands: “Do this.” “Don’t do that.” “Don’t do that either!” This command/obey/punish pattern sets the stage for regular battles of will – the parent’s versus the child’s. Every time a command is issued a line is drawn in the sand. Will the child obey or disobey? Consider what happens to the parents’ emotions each time the defies the command. It is common for the tension to ratchet up and up into anger and a poor choice of punishment. Not only do these parents expend energy thinking for the child but they also tend to expend an avoidable amount of negative emotional energy on the child.

This is not to say that there is not a place for obedience in Cline and Fay’s system. The parents still set the boundaries. However, because they have the end goal in sight, these parents realize that the present conflict is not the entire ballgame. Crossing the boundaries or making poor decisions garner undesirable consequences. The natural consequences of a poor decision are indispensable guides for growing a child into a responsible adult. Love and Logic parents love their children too much to rob them of valuable consequences.

To learn more about the Love and Logic style of parenting, pick up a copy of Cline and Fay’s very readable Parenting with Love and Logic. Included are over 40 examples how Love and Logic parents handle common, stressful parenting situations.

Bio for Dr. Foster Cline

Bio for Jim Fay

Categories : Emotional Intelligence, Family Therapy, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem

Tags : Foster Cline, Jim Fay, parenting, Parenting with Love and Logic

Archive for Family Therapy

Counseling tools that help families create healthy interactions within relationships

Planning for the conversation

Rules of engagement during the conversation

1. Present as a united front.

2. Keep it simple and honest.

3. Share the plan going forward.

4. Emphasize that this is your decision.

5. Stay true to your word.

6. Be prepared for unexpected reactions.

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

Hope for Change

2. The Siblings

Making the “Invisible” Visible

3. The Parents

Care for the Caregivers

References:

Families don’t blend overnight

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

The children are caught in the middle

Step-parenting is a complex dance

Understanding the Benefits of Marriage and Family Therapy

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