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Counseling tools that help families create healthy interactions within relationships

Fa-la-la-la-blah! Beating the Holiday Blues

December 17, 2019

The holiday season taunts itself as “the most wonderous time of the year,” but is it really? For some, the holidays are not always joyous and festive; rather, they are a challenging and emotional time of year for various reasons. An array of stressors, such as lack of time, financial worries, over-commercialization, and gift giving, along with the demands of parties, shopping, entertaining, and family get-togethers, may cause a wide range of emotions. These demands and stressors may produce feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and grief during this time of year, commonly referred to as the “holiday blues.”

Below are a few questions for personal reflection with suggestions to help combat and balance the effects of “holiday blues.”

Gratitude or Grievance?

It depends on a person’s feelings and what they dread or welcome. On the one hand, feeling grateful, appreciating others, or showing kindness to one another seems easy and natural during this time of year. However, on the other hand, complaints, resentments, and gripes are also a real possibility. Consider these two questions:

What is one thing you are feeling in anticipation of the holiday?
What are you most/least looking forward to about this holiday?

Tip: One’s state of mind determines whether they feel gratitude or aggrieved. How a person makes meaning from what they anticipate will happen during the holiday season, whether positive or negative, can affect how they identify with and experience the holidays. Stay calm, gather your thoughts, and make a plan that will help minimize foreseeable challenges.

Dealing with disappointments

Alas, the best laid plans… Everyone has their own idea about what they want to happen during the holidays. Therefore, when things do not go as expected, misunderstandings and disappointment can result. Then what? Ponder this question:

What is one thing that you always hoped would happen but never does, and how are you going to handle it this year?

Tip: It is important to choose the right attitude and understand that, unfortunately, life is not perfect, and neither are the holidays. Try managing expectations to avoid feeling overly disappointed. Recognize mistakes are bound to happen, regardless of how well things are planned. Try not to expect people to change. Seek compromise whenever possible, find forgiveness, and simply let things be.

The true meaning of the holiday season

Over-commercialism tends to undermine the meaning of the holiday season. Year-after-year sensationalized Christmas TV commercials, along with Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, can diminish the true spirit of Christmas. To keep perspective this Holiday season, reflect on this question:

This year I will remind myself the importance of ______.

Tip: Excessive commercialism can often spoil the true meaning of Christmas. Take time out to personally reflect on why Christmas is celebrated. Remember what is most important. Choose to hold on to these things during this holiday season.

While the holiday blues are a real phenomenon, remember these feelings are temporary. Take meaningful action to move through whatever emotions, attitude, and state-of-mind the season brings. Find ways to make Christmas a special day for the right reasons. Keeping context in perspective will help with finding gratitude and hope. Holding on to these things can help make the holiday’s the most wonderous time of the year.

Happy Holidays from the Fuller Life family!

Stephanie Jordan, LPC-Intern, Resident Therapist, Supervised by Amy Fuller PhD, LPC

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Gratitude, Grief, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management

Tags : Christmas, holiday blahs, holiday blues, holiday season, meaning of the Holiday, self care

The Recipe for a Resilient Family

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

November 23, 2019

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Every family experiences some form of hardship. Have you ever noticed how some families seem to bounce back, perhaps even using their trials for good; while others never quite seem to recover? What makes some families more resilient?

Family resilience is the ability to “withstand and rebound from disruptive life challenges, strengthened and more resourceful” (Walsh, 2011). While it may seem that some families are ”born” with an inherent ability to withstand difficulty, the good news is than any family can grow their resilience (Pogosayan, 2017).

Dr. Froma Walsh is a family therapist and leading expert on family resilience. She has identified nine main ingredients for family resilience, divided into three categories: belief systems (what the family thinks and believes); organizational patterns (how the family acts and relates to one another), and communication patterns (how the family speaks and communicates). Any family can mix together these nine ingredients to make their own, unique family resilience “recipe.”

Belief systems

Resilient families…

Are able to make meaning of the adversity, perhaps by normalizing the hardship or viewing it as an opportunity for growth.

Have a hopeful and positive outlook. They seize opportunities and persevere.

Have a sense of purpose, larger values or some form of spirituality/faith to lean on.

Organizational patterns

Resilient families…

Are flexible and able to adapt to new circumstances while also maintaining some stability (rituals, routines, strong leadership).

Are connected and supportive of one another. They respect each other as individuals.

Have social and economic resources by mobilizing the support of kin, social and community networks.

Communication patterns

Resilient families…

Have clear communication. They seek and speak truth.

They are open with their emotions and willing to share a range of feelings without blaming or “lashing out”.

Are able to tap into their inner resourcefulness and collaborate to problem solve.

At Fuller Life, we believe there is hope for all families to thrive after a hardship. We are here to walk alongside as you do. Resources Pogosayan, M. (2017). What Makes Families Resilient?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/201710/what-makes-families-resilient Walsh, F. (2011). Family resilience: a collaborative approach in response to stressful life challenges. Resilience and mental health: Challenges across the lifespan, 149-161.

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Tamara Tatum, Resident Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Communication, Covid-19, Family Therapy, Parenting, Problem Solving, Relationships, Sticky

Tags : Communication, families, resilience

5 Discipline Strategies Your Kids Want You to Know – Disciplining Your Kids Well, Part 2

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

August 15, 2019

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In the first part of this blog series, we discussed some common misconceptions about discipline. We learned that discipline is not about punishment, demanding respect or shaming, but rather about teaching. In this blog, we will go over five strategies to implement when disciplining your children.

1. Catch your kids doing good.

(Canadian PaediatricSociety, 2004; Byrne Biancardi, 2014) We all respond well to positive reinforcement. In the workplace you would probably have a hard time wanting to learn from a supervisor who was always scolding you about what you’re doing wrong and never encouraged you in the ways you were doing your job well. With your children, pay attention not only when things are not going well, but when they are. Be specific with what you observe.

2. Model how you would like your children to behave.

The old saying “do as I say, not as I do” is never effective. Your kids are watching you and learning from you, perhaps more than you’d like!

3. Connect with your child.

This simply means to empathize with and validate your child’s experience (i.e., “I see that you are very upset/angry/frustrated right now”). Connection helps to move your child’s brain from a “reactive” emotion-driven state to a more receptive state in which they are ready to learn. It can also help to shift your brain from a reactive state to a state where you are able to teach. Connection has the longer-term impacts of deepening your relationship with your children as well as helping to develop the connections in their brains between the lower, more primitive and reactive, parts of the brain to the higher parts of the brain capable of self-regulation (Siegel and Payne, 2014).

4. Address the behavior together.

Once you have connected with your child, talk with them about the impact of his or her behavior and ask him or her what they would like to do to make it better. Involve them in the process of being accountable for their actions. For example, if your daughter had broken one of her brother’s toys, she might suggest giving one of her toys to him.

5. Remind your child of your love for them.

At the end of the day, it is important to reinforce for your child, “Even at your absolute worst, I am still with you and still love you.” Just like you would like to be thought of as more than just the sum totalof your good or bad actions, so would your child. We can inadvertently send the message to our children that they are only loveable when they are behaving well as opposed to being loveable just for who they are. We hope this series has been helpful for you as you do the hard, but rewarding, task of parenting your children well.

Resources:

. 2004 Jan; 9(1): 37–41. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind (First edition.). New York: Bantam.

Byrne-Biancardi, S. (2014). 6 Secrets of Highly Effective Discipline From a Seasoned Teacher. https://afineparent.com/be-positive/effective-discipline.html Contributed by Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Tamara Tatum, Resident Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Communication, Empathy, Family Therapy, Parenting, Parenting, Relationships, Sticky

Tags : discipline, parenting

How to Talk to Your Kids about Divorce

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

September 11, 2017

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Going through a separation or divorce can be a painful and confusing time for many. It can be especially difficult when there are children involved. As a parent, you may be concerned about when is the best time to have a conversation with your children and what information to share – or not to share

Planning for the conversation

Dr. Herrick, psychotherapist, recommends telling your children 2 to 3 weeks before the separation. In an ideal situation, both parents will be present for the conversation. If this is not possible, it is important for the parent present to not speak poorly of the parent who is absent to ensure that the child does not feel pressured to take sides Once a general timeline has been set, it is time to decide on the logistics of where and when the conversation will take place. According to a research study done by Heather Westberg, the memory of this conversation, and how they were first told, sticks with children. It is important to spend some time thinking about the environment in which to talk with your children. For example, selecting a quiet, neutral location during a time of day when you will have some uninterrupted time together is best.

Rules of engagement during the conversation

After preparing the environment, comes the weighty task of actually having the conversation. Here are a few pointers to keep in mind while talking with your child…

1. Present as a united front.

Be respectful of one another and make it clear that while the both of you may disagree on various things, you do agree on doing what is best for your children.

2. Keep it simple and honest.

Do not share more information than the children need to know (e.g., financial arrangements, the details of your disagreements), but answer your children’s questions honestly when they ask difficult questions like, “What does divorce mean?” “Why are you leaving each other?”

3. Share the plan going forward.

Share with your children some of the major changes that will be happening. How long until mom or dad moves out? Where will the children be staying? What school will they attend? How often will they see each parent? Also be sure to reassure your children on things that will remain the same (e.g., school, neighborhood, Sunday dinners at Grandma’s, etc. )

4. Emphasize that this is your decision.

Make sure your children know that separation or divorce is not their fault and has nothing to do with them. Nothing they can do – good or bad, will influence the decision.

5. Stay true to your word.

In your conversation, make sure your children hear how much you love them. After the conversation, keep your word in showing your love to your children by spending time with them, encouraging them, showing affection and acting in their best interests.

6. Be prepared for unexpected reactions.

Your child may respond in a number of ways – anger, confusion, sadness, relief, or they may even appear not to respond at all. Rather than pushing your child to feel differently (i.e. “look at the bright side!”), remain curious and accepting of what they are feeling. Let your child know that it is okay to be sad, angry, confused, or relieved. Help them find healthful ways to share and express these feelings (e.g. drawing, journaling, being active, talking…)

Many parents are, understandably, concerned about how their child will cope with separation or divorce. While this will likely be a challenging time for both parents and children, ensuring that your children know they can come to you with their questions and feelings will help them through the process. For more resources on how to support your child through the divorce process, check out our ScoopIt! Page.

Resources

http://lisaherrick.com/separation-and-divorce-work/guide-to-telling-the-children-about-the-divorce/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-older-dad/201105/mom-and-dad-have-something-tell-you-six-tips-talking-kids-about-divorce

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Parenting

Tags : children of divorce, divorce, separation

The Ripple Effects of Autism Spectrum Disorder on the Family

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

June 29, 2017

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Angry outbursts and sudden withdrawal, hypersensitivity to touch and sound, yet insensitivity in interpersonal interactions – these seeming contradictions are all too familiar for families of children with autism spectrum disorder.

For these families, life may be draining at times with small tasks requiring much effort. Yet, discovering the world through the lens of an ASD child is something special. It goes without saying that a diagnosis of ASD impacts the entire family. Let’s take a look at the three major players: the child with ASD, the sibling(s) and the parent(s).

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

One way to think about ASD is the distinction between dynamic and static intelligence (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Children with ASD can have average to above average static intelligence. For example, they can remember facts about a topic of interest or rigidly adhere to rules and rituals. But, the struggle is with dynamic intelligence – being able to read the environment and to respond with flexibility. This is why we see kids with ASD often desiring consistency and struggling with transition and novelty.

Hope for Change

Good news! According to Sue Simmons of Equinox Family Consulting, dynamic intelligence can be taught. Dynamic intelligence is the ability to intuitively understand and respond according to a “feedback loop” of interaction. Information is sent out from A and received by B, and feedback is sent from B to A. Parents can help their children begin to understand the feedback loop by…

Slowing down everyday processes and interactions, explaining them step by step to their child and gradually introducing more novelty (Simmons, 2013).
Making the feedback more noticeable. Parents can exaggerate the feedback their child would receive based on their behavior by making responses more noticeable. For example, instead of expecting the ASD child to interpret subtle body language, clear and explicit statements like, “when you said/did that, it made me really sad/happy/mad, etc. ” or exaggerated facial expressions when mad/happy/sad/etc. will be more easily understood.

2. The Siblings

The siblings of children with ASD are at risk for higher emotional and behavioral problems (Solomon and Chung, 2012). At times, they may feel invisible – with much attention going to their brother or sister with ASD, the added responsibility required of them, and perhaps with restrictions on social activities. Or, they may feel the pressure to be in the spotlight – to overachieve in order to compensate for their sibling’s limitations (Solomon and Chung, 2012).

Making the “Invisible” Visible

There are many ways to let siblings know they are cared for…

Risk an outburst. While it is known to be helpful to stick to structure, schedules and routines with children who have ASD, it is okay to vary from this order at times (and potentially be met with a tantrum) to meet the needs of the other siblings.
Carve out one-on-one bonding time. Or, find other creative ways to make them feel special.
Encourage healthy peer relationships. Perhaps even with other children who have siblings with special needs.

3. The Parents

Learning of their child’s diagnosis is likely a daunting and upsetting experience for most parents. It may take time to learn how to cope with having an ASD child, as well as to learn how to grieve the loss of what they might have hoped and expected their child to be and to achieve. It can also be frustrating that in spite of good parenting skills and much patience, life with an ASD child continues to be challenging and stressful.

Research has shown that there is a “spillover effect” flowing both ways between the parenting relationship and the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016). A difficult day of parenting the ASD child can lead to the experience of fewer positive couple interactions. Similarly, when there is more negative emotions and tension in the couple’s relationship, it spills over into a more stressful parenting. Interestingly, what tends to be most stressful for parents is not the limitations of the ASD child as much as the handling of the negative behavior (tantrums, rituals, etc.) (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Parents of ASD children are also at risk for more disagreements as to how to best handle these child-related challenges. This can, in turn, cause strain on the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016).

Care for the Caregivers

Parents can take the following important steps to ensure that they are meeting their own needs and advocating effectively for the entire family…

Take time to invest in their marital relationship. Go out on dates, seek couples’ counseling, etc.
Discuss common goals and parenting strategies. Try to have both parents attend doctor appointments, IEP meetings, etc. to be on the same page.
Develop a strong support network. It can be easy for ASD families to isolate themselves. However, developing a strong support network and seeking out resources for the family will ease some of the burden on the couple’s relationship.

Learning how to balance the needs of the ASD child, sibling(s) and parent(s) will never be easy. But, for families of children with ASD, there is much to be gained in learning patience and compassion.

References:

Solomon, A.H. and Chung, B. (2012) Understanding Autism: How Family Therapists can Support Parents of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Family Process 51:250-264.

http://equinoxfamilyconsulting.com/intelligence/asd-help-understanding-dynamic-intelligence-versus-static-intelligence/

http://www.apa.org/pi/disability/resources/publications/newsletter/2016/09/parents-children-autism.aspx

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Developmental Disorders, Family Therapy, Parenting, Relationships, Social Skills, Sticky

Tags : ASD, autism spectrum disorder, family therapy

Four Truths about Stepfamilies that You Need to Know

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

February 15, 2017

· 2 Comments

Stepfamilies are, and have been, on the rise. In fact, over 50% of American families are remarried or recoupled. Yet, there appears to be limited conversation around what is gradually becoming the “norm” for the American family.

If you are in the process of “blending” families, here are some important pointers to consider:

Families don’t blend overnight

Patience is key to the process of blending families. It can take up to seven years to form a successful stepfamily. Unrealistic expectations of a quick and fairly smooth transition to becoming a family can be a major source of disappointment and strife. Be prepared for a slow, but hopefully rewarding, process!

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

Ron Deal, founder of Smart Stepfamilies, calls these “ghosts.” The “ghosts” could be wounds from the previous marriage, or injuries from family of origin relationships, or even unresolved hurts from the present relationship’s history. You might notice yourself or your spouse becoming especially defensive discussing a particular topic, or becoming exceedingly upset upon finding household items from your spouse’s previous marriage in your new home.

The danger of the “ghosts” lingering around without your awareness is that they often serve to place the “haunted” person in a posture of self-protection. It becomes difficult to build intimacy and form an “us” when both parties are busy protecting the “I.” You might want to ask yourself, “When I am not haunted by this ghost, how am I acting toward my partner in a way that is giving, serving and trusting?” (Deal, 2006). Or, if you notice your spouse struggling in the present with issues that have happened in the past, ask yourself “How can I show compassion to my spouse in this moment and not react defensively to his (or her) fear?” Forming a stepfamily involves a lot of risk-taking and courage!

The children are caught in the middle

While creating a stepfamily can be a time of great gain, it is also a season of considerable loss. A few of the losses incurred by the children may include the death of a parent, divorce or leaving a once familiar life. Give time for the children (and for yourself) to grieve these losses. It is not unusual to notice children feeling torn between wanting to be loyal to both biological parents. Occasionally children even take advantage of the fact that their biological parents are living separately and may not be on best terms with each other. For example, a child might find ways to avoid punishments or obtain extra privileges.

Step-parenting is a complex dance

You and your partner might have fallen in love with each other not fully knowing what you were bargaining for when adding the other’s children to the mix. Stepping into a child’s life is to be broached with caution. A rule of thumb for a stepparent is to enter the relationship gradually. Both boys and girls, though especially girls, prefer verbal affirmations, compliments, etc. as opposed to physical affection at the onset of the stepparent-child relationship.

Step-parenting is likely the most challenging aspect of forming a stepfamily. When it comes to discipline and nurturance, the biological parent takes the lead. It is recommended that the stepparent come in as a “babysitter” (Deal, 2006) or a “camp counselor”(APA, 2017) at first. This means that he or she is a responsible adult who is aware of and can enforce rules that are already in place, but doesn’t create new rules. When both partners have children, it is important to have a consistent set of rules, even if each parent takes the lead with their biological children (Deal, 2006). To support a stepparent, the biological parent may say something like “I know ___ is not your real mom (or dad), but when I’m not around, she (or he) will be enforcing the rules we all agreed on.”

This is not to say that the stepparent has no voice regarding their stepchildren’s behavior. Those conversations and negotiations can happen behind closed doors (Deal, 2006). Over time, as trust and mutual respect begins to develop between you and your stepchildren, you may be able to move into more of a “parental” role, disciplining and nurturing the children.

For more information and tips on how to make a successful stepfamily, check out our Scoop It! page on titled “Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families”.

References

Deal, Ron L. (2006). The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/8-myths-of-fostering-a-healthy-stepfamily/

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stepfamily.aspx

https://www.prepare-enrich.com/parenting.htm

http://www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/ghost-whispers

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/13/ghost-of-marriage-past_n_5490048.html

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Blended Families, Couples, Divorce, Family Therapy, Parenting, Sticky

Tags : blended family, stepfamilies, stepfamily, stepparenting

Get Better at Sex and Get Better at Life

Posted by Manet Castaneda on

January 7, 2017

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Our sexuality is something innate to all of us. It can develop in complexity and variety as we mature. As we age, we engage in different types of relationships, and if we are lucky, we learn new things, and gain greater insight into who we are and what we like sexually. A lot of us make the mistake of thinking that being in a committed relationship means we stop growing sexually because we are limited to one partner. However, the opposite can be true. Being in a committed relationship can be very challenging and can push us towards growth in various ways. These three tips can challenge you to grow and develop your own sexuality, while at the same time help bring novelty to your sexual relationship.

Be Daring

A vast majority of us can perhaps admit to having secret sexual desires that we would not dare share with the people we are in relationships, perhaps out of fear of judgment or our own insecurities. Whatever the case may be, we may not realize that when we hide our desires and our true colors out of insecurities and fears, we are limiting ourselves in sex lives and the sex life of our partners. When you dare to try something new like using a sex toy for the first time or simply being able to speak your mind about how you like to have sex, you are challenging yourself and at the same time showing your partner a more daring side of you. It requires strength and maturity to show your partner who you are and what you are about between the sheets. Daring to be bold in the bedroom can enhance maturity and confidence, and at the same time turn up the heat in your relationship. The next time you have sex, dare to ask for a new position you’ve been thinking about, or buy a new sex toy you may want to play with. For more tips on how to be more daring and courageous in your sex life check out this talk with host Dr. Cory Allan.

Incorporate Playfulness

As mentioned previously, many of us have secret fantasies that we wish our partner would play out with us, but are afraid of what the other will think or we doubt our own sexuality and sensuality. Dare to add some novelty and spice in your relationship by perhaps taking a few hours on a weekend to reenact a secret wish that you or your partner may have. This may look like dressing up in sensual clothing, trying role play or could even being risky by using accessories like fuzzy handcuffs. Whatever tickles your fancy, challenge yourself by engaging with your partner in a playful manner, and remember it’s okay if your partner doesn’t want to play at that time, there is merit in taking risks. For creative role playing ideas and more visit Cosmopolitan.

Increase Intimacy

Sometimes sex in committed relationships can lack a sense of connectedness and intimacy. The reasons for this can vary, however, increasing intimacy through sex in relationships can bring changes and move people towards more meaningful and deeper ways of connecting. One “simple” yet challenging way of connecting with one’s partner is through eyes open sex as described by Sex is something that people engage in on a regular basis, but how many of those people are actually courageous enough to look into their partner’s eyes during intercourse? According to Dr. Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage, only about 30% of couples have their eyes open during sex. It can take courage and strength to try something new in the bedroom. Change starts with one person, so if your partner does not want to participate in eyes open sex, keep in mind that you can still keep your eyes open and see what you experience. For a more detailed description of eyes open sex, visit Dr. Schnarch and Dr. Morehouse’s website.

Sex is one of the most growth-promoting and enjoyable aspects of human nature, dare to try any one of these ideas to see how you and your partner can and move towards personal growth all the while adding more novelty in your sex life. For more ideas and resources for sexuality and relationships visit Dr. Amy Fuller’s website.

Resources

Dr. Cory Allan’s page: http://simplemarriage.net/podcast/sexual-courage/

Dr. David Schnarch and Dr. Ruth Morehouse’s pages: http://crucibletherapy.com/six-tips-creating-more-passionate-relationship http://passionatemarriage.com

Roleplay ideas: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a5143/tips-on-role-playing-first-time/

Other sex blog: http://amyfullerphd.com/blog/sex-therapy/

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Lifestyle, Marriage, Relationships

Tags : marriage, relationships. couples, sex

The Unique Approach of Marriage and Family Therapy

Posted by Amy Fuller PhD on

September 9, 2015

· No Comments

This video recently released by AAMFT illustrate the unique approach of the profession of marriage and family therapists.

Understanding the Benefits of Marriage and Family Therapy

Categories : Counseling, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Mental Health, Relationships

Resolutions With Staying Power

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

January 14, 2014

A recent study pegged the top three resolutions of 2014 to be: lose weight, get organized, and spend less. The same study shows that only 8% of people are successful in achieving their goals. One reason these resolutions do not last may be that the changes are only surface level. Merely focusing on surface issues is somewhat like cleaning only a square foot of an entire room that needs tidying. As important as those immediate goals are, why not dig a little deeper into the more long-standing rhythms of life we have been living? The fourth most common resolution is to enjoy life to the fullest, yet so many of us struggle to know how that is done. Here are some simple guidelines to create lasting resolutions that tackle our whole, beautiful existence so we are able to truly enjoy life to the fullest (Statistic Brain, 2014).

Starting Off: Where do we still live in fear?

An excellent first step is to notice the areas where we are fearful in order to target tricky areas that need our attention. For instance, we may feel fear when thinking of our finances, relationships, specific habits or body image. This first step takes reflection and a tolerance for initial discomfort. However, the insight and awareness that we can attain by listening to our fears is invaluable, and thus takes priority. Beyond this, we can begin to address the different realms of life that intertwine to make a fuller life: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

Mental Well-Being: Never Stop Being a Student

Life never stops delivering its lessons, so we can refresh our perspective constantly by being a forever-student. We can learn from past mistakes, our relationships, or from our reflection. A wonderful guiding principle here is to always let what you learn challenge what you know. Other ideas include reading books not in your normal repertoire, attending a workshop or two that stretch your mind, or joining an academic circle that is out of your comfort zone. Have you always wondered about a particular profession or field of research? Clear a little time each week to get your feet wet, purely for the fun of it. We can even look to our relationships and challenge the status quo by making our interactions and responses more positive and encouraging. The best part is: this type of learning involves no grades!

Physical Well-Being: Balance Your Lifestyle

We have all heard it before: physical health rests on diet and exercise. In fact, we have heard it so many times, our minds are likely to tune out the message completely. However, if we can shift our perspective enough to see physical wellness more holistically – we can begin to feel freedom as we open up ourselves to more options for health. Diet and exercise are just two facets of a happy, balanced lifestyle. So don’t just exercise, engage in a fun, creative activity. Feel the joy of working muscles and a beating heart; feel the joy of each movement and breath. In addition, don’t just diet; eat lots of superfoods, and enjoy the effects it has on your body. And we do not have to stop there, we can look at how we spend our day. For one week, we can try logging how much time is spent on each activity. Chances are we might spot many areas of sedentary lifestyle plugged into our technology. Novelist Abha Dawesar asks the question: “Have our lives now become fixated on the drive to digitally connect, while we miss out on what’s real?” The frequent use of technology has powerful effects on our identity, lifestyle and overall wellbeing. The value of unplugging daily is crucial to our experience of a full life. Check out Dawesar’s whole lecture below for inspiring commentary on the role technology has in our life.

Spiritual Well-Being: Unleash Your Creative Spirit

There is more to unleashing our creative spirit than meets the eye. The process of expressing what lies within us is a validating experience that can open us up to so much life. Our initial responses to this task might be “I’m not creative” or “I’m too busy”. Each of us has an inner child and a playful spirit that needs to be expressed. A good first step is to loosen our ideas of what it means to be creative. Perhaps one person’s version of creativity involves creating a spreadsheet just for fun, while another’s involves writing a song about nonsense. Start small. Try taking a different route to work or shopping for groceries somewhere new. Build up creativity by encouraging play in your day which can further unlock your creative spirit. With regard to time, keep in mind that our busyness will never fully dissipate. Stress has a way of tricking us into feeling we need to complete everything all at once. If we can be reminded that this is an illusion, we will have greater ease in creating time for creativity. Creativity is essential to encountering the fullness of spiritual well-being.

Emotional Well-Being: “All You Need Is [Still] Love”

Marianne Williamson, celebrated author and lecturer, writes that the opposite of fear is love. “We have been brought up in a world that does not put love first, and where love is absent, fear sets in… It’s a terrible absence of what we need in order to survive” (Williamson, 2012, p. 22). We cannot underestimate the centering, transformative, purposing power of love in our daily lives. In each of our resolutions, perhaps we can include love; love for our bodies, love for our minds, love for those we share our lives with. Letting love grow into every small detail of our lives is perhaps the most paramount of steps to a fully enjoyed life. If it has been a while since we have felt love, we can start small by practicing gratitude. In all of these things, it is important to be compassionate and patient as we address these areas of our blessed lives. Try not to lose heart if results are not seen within the expected timeline. Deep, lasting change takes time and tends to be cyclical. So breathe… and take small steps daily towards truly enjoying life to the fullest. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Williamson, M. (2012). A return to love: Reflections on the principles of a course in miracles. New York, NY: HarperOne.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION STATISTICS – Statistic Brain. 2013 Statistic Brain Research Institute, publishing as Statistic Brain. JANUARY 1, 2014 http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

Tags : anxiety, breath work, creativity, gratitude, physical well-being, self-care practices

Archive for Family Therapy

Counseling tools that help families create healthy interactions within relationships

Gratitude or Grievance?

Dealing with disappointments

The true meaning of the holiday season

Belief systems

Organizational patterns

Communication patterns

1. Catch your kids doing good.

2. Model how you would like your children to behave.

3. Connect with your child.

4. Address the behavior together.

5. Remind your child of your love for them.

Resources:

Planning for the conversation

Rules of engagement during the conversation

1. Present as a united front.

2. Keep it simple and honest.

3. Share the plan going forward.

4. Emphasize that this is your decision.

5. Stay true to your word.

6. Be prepared for unexpected reactions.

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

Hope for Change

2. The Siblings

Making the “Invisible” Visible

3. The Parents

Care for the Caregivers

References:

Families don’t blend overnight

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

The children are caught in the middle

Step-parenting is a complex dance

Understanding the Benefits of Marriage and Family Therapy

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