The beginning of a relationship is filled with excitement and possibility. Getting to know a new person and allowing them to get to know you is thrilling and daunting at the same time. Passion, excitement and curiosity swirl at this stage. However, this period is unlikely to last very long. Slowly, as the relationship progresses, familiarity, routine and a sense of security begins to set in. Intimacy, often defined as knowing the other and being known, begins to grow.
Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, suggests that what makes for good intimacy does not always make for good sex. Good intimacy often involves the feeling of being emotionally “close”, such as with deep conversations, growing familiarity, and self-disclosure. Emotional closeness and physical intimacy do not always directly correlate and may have a more complex relationship.
According to Perel, in order for connection to happen, there needs to be an implied separateness. We cannot move closer together if we are already wrapped up in one another. Eroticism is movement toward the other, but we often seek to eliminate otherness in our close relationships by focusing solely on how we are similar and involving each other in every aspect of our lives.
In other words, being separate is a requirement for actually being close. We are usually uncomfortable with this separateness and experience anxiety and insecurity. But this very discomfort is a what helps to maintain our interest and sexual desire. Fire needs air. Desire needs mystery.
So, how do you keep desire alive?
Develop and cultivate your own “secret garden”. Perel suggests that rather than considering separateness as pulling away from the other, consider it to be the development of personal intimacy. Get to know yourself, your unique interests, hobbies, talents and dreams and go after them!
Recognize and allow for the ways your partner remains mysterious to you. Instead of, at the end of the day, pressing for every detail that filled the preceding hours when you were apart, allow for the “space between” the two of you to exist. Additionally, appreciate the ways your partner, though he or she may be similar to you in some ways, thinks and acts and sees the world differently than you do.
Maintaining love and desire in committed relationships involves finding the balance between surrendering to the “other” and maintaining autonomy and a sense of self. This is both a challenging and exciting journey!
Perel, Esther. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.
“Picture this: we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor…” While this is a well-known lyric in Shaggy’s hit song “It Wasn’t Me.” The image painted is not far from the reality of how many couples start off their relationship. Unable to keep their hands off each other, and exhilarated in the excitement of a new relationship. Ironically, couples never imagine getting to the point in their satisfying relationship in which the passion and desire dies down, and instead are replaced with feelings of resentment, frustration and loneliness.
Have you ever asked yourself what you could do to get your partner to see you in a different light?
Do you ever wonder if there is something wrong with you or what you’re doing or not doing in the bedroom?
Do you ever feel like your partner only wants you for sex, or the opposite, that your partner never wants you for sex?
If this at all sounds like something you have encountered in your relationship,Dr. David Schnarch, renowned sex therapist and clinical psychologist, has a simple answer for why issues with desire arise in long term committed relationships. Here are two universal truths virtually every relationship experiences when it comes to love and sex.
Rule Number One: There is always a low desire partner and a high desire partner
Dr. Schnarch offers a unique way of viewing the way relationships work, and he does this through the lens of sex. He states, that in every relationship there are two positions that people take when faced with a decision, i.e. low desire partner (LPD) and high desire partner (HPD). The position a person takes is dependent on the decision at hand, and can change between one topic to another and from one relationship to another. That is to say, one partner may be for LPD in sex, but that same partner could be the HDP for intimacy. Even if both partners want the same thing, one will want it more than the other. You may be the LDP if you want sex once a day and your partner wants sex twice a day, or you may be the HDP if you want sex once a month and your partner doesn’t want sex at all. You may be the LDP in one relationship and the HDP in the next relationship.
Rule Number Two: The Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex
Dr. Schnarch points out a second rule of sexual relationships which is, that the LDP always controls sex. The LDP controls sex whether that person likes it or not. The LDP also control sex whether things are going great or not. This rule is no fun for either person, so there are common ways people try to get around it. According to Schnarch, “begging, cajoling, criticizing, demanding, and withdrawing are standard methods,” while the HDP may be able to pressure the LDP into having sex, the HDP cannot pressured them into wanting to be with them or be passionate. Dr. Schnarch lays out how the LDP controls sex:
The HDP makes most of, if not all of, the initiations for sex.
The LDP decides which sexual advances she or he will respond to.
This determines when sex happens. This gives the LDP de facto control of sex, whether she or he wants this or not.
Sexual Desire Issues: The New Norm
Sexual desire issues are a natural part of longer term committed relationships. All couples will experience desire issues at one point or another. Knowing these realities can be a huge relief for couples who are struggling to get through difficult challenges in their relationships. When used well, these challenges can push you to become more solid and clear about who you are. As you work through your sexual desire issues, you become more mature and more capable of being intimate, passionate, giving and respectful in a long term committed relationship. For a broader understanding of some of the concepts discussed in this blog, read Dr. Schnarch’s book Intimacy and Desire.
To book an appointment with Manet Castenada LPC- Intern, Under the supervision of Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD LPC-S, LMFT-S please email at Manet@fullerlifefamilytherapy.org
Our sexuality is something innate to all of us. It can develop in complexity and variety as we mature. As we age, we engage in different types of relationships, and if we are lucky, we learn new things, and gain greater insight into who we are and what we like sexually. A lot of us make the mistake of thinking that being in a committed relationship means we stop growing sexually because we are limited to one partner. However, the opposite can be true. Being in a committed relationship can be very challenging and can push us towards growth in various ways. These three tips can challenge you to grow and develop your own sexuality, while at the same time help bring novelty to your sexual relationship.
Be Daring
A vast majority of us can perhaps admit to having secret sexual desires that we would not dare share with the people we are in relationships, perhaps out of fear of judgment or our own insecurities. Whatever the case may be, we may not realize that when we hide our desires and our true colors out of insecurities and fears, we are limiting ourselves in sex lives and the sex life of our partners. When you dare to try something new like using a sex toy for the first time or simply being able to speak your mind about how you like to have sex, you are challenging yourself and at the same time showing your partner a more daring side of you. It requires strength and maturity to show your partner who you are and what you are about between the sheets. Daring to be bold in the bedroom can enhance maturity and confidence, and at the same time turn up the heat in your relationship. The next time you have sex, dare to ask for a new position you’ve been thinking about, or buy a new sex toy you may want to play with. For more tips on how to be more daring and courageous in your sex life check out this talk with host Dr. Cory Allan.
Incorporate Playfulness
As mentioned previously, many of us have secret fantasies that we wish our partner would play out with us, but are afraid of what the other will think or we doubt our own sexuality and sensuality. Dare to add some novelty and spice in your relationship by perhaps taking a few hours on a weekend to reenact a secret wish that you or your partner may have. This may look like dressing up in sensual clothing, trying role play or could even being risky by using accessories like fuzzy handcuffs. Whatever tickles your fancy, challenge yourself by engaging with your partner in a playful manner, and remember it’s okay if your partner doesn’t want to play at that time, there is merit in taking risks. For creative role playing ideas and more visit Cosmopolitan.
Increase Intimacy
Sometimes sex in committed relationships can lack a sense of connectedness and intimacy. The reasons for this can vary, however, increasing intimacy through sex in relationships can bring changes and move people towards more meaningful and deeper ways of connecting. One “simple” yet challenging way of connecting with one’s partner is through eyes open sex as described by Sex is something that people engage in on a regular basis, but how many of those people are actually courageous enough to look into their partner’s eyes during intercourse? According to Dr. Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage, only about 30% of couples have their eyes open during sex. It can take courage and strength to try something new in the bedroom. Change starts with one person, so if your partner does not want to participate in eyes open sex, keep in mind that you can still keep your eyes open and see what you experience. For a more detailed description of eyes open sex, visit Dr. Schnarch and Dr. Morehouse’s website.
Sex is one of the most growth-promoting and enjoyable aspects of human nature, dare to try any one of these ideas to see how you and your partner can and move towards personal growth all the while adding more novelty in your sex life. For more ideas and resources for sexuality and relationships visit Dr. Amy Fuller’s website.
We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with images of celebrities and their flawless bodies, luxurious homes, the latest fashion trends, and the coolest gadgets. In the midst of all of these things it can be easy to be swayed towards the belief that we are supposed to live our lives according to the standards that society sets for us. Consider the following questions:
Do you believe that you would be happier if you just had more money?
Do you envy those who have nicer belongings than you do?
Do you and your partner worry about accumulating wealth and assets?
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider whether you are placing a high level of importance on acquiring wealth, and if so, what potential side effects this type of thinking may have on your life and relationships.
I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
The Rolling Stones may have been on to something when they wrote I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, referring to not being satisfied by material things despite trying. Interestingly, according to Carolyn Gregorie of The Huffington Post, Americans have more cars and eat out more than they did roughly 50 years ago. However, despite having more, Americans are still not happier. Research has found that, although the levels of consumption have risen in the past 50 years, Americans’ overall wellbeing has declined.
You may be asking yourself, “Why does this all matter?” Well, if you believe that the solution to your problems is having more, you may want to take note that research has found having more does not necessarily mean you will be happier. In fact, it has found that those who work towards accumulating wealth and assets have a tendency to experience less positive emotions throughout their day and are less satisfied than those who do not pursue wealth.
Money Talks
In AC/DC’s popular song, Money Talks, part of the chorus says “Come on, come on, love me for the money,” as if having large amounts of money can make someone fall in love with you. Interestingly, research has shown that individuals who are materialistic may find themselves in unhappy relationships compared to those who do not place importance on their belongings and the acquisition of more. Jason Carroll, professor of family life at Brigham Young University found this is true for all income classes. Additionally, his study found that the least satisfying marriages were those in which both partners placed great importance on their possessions.
Carroll and his research team developed theories as to how materialism can affect a relationship, and they believe that it could be that those couples who spend more time focusing on accumulating wealth spend less time working on strengthening their relationship. Another theory that Carroll and his team considered was that reckless spending habits caused couples to have more stress and more discussions. Therefore they were more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationship.
Welcome to the Hotel California
The Eagles give their listeners a glimpse into the powerful trap of materialism in their popular song, Hotel California. The lyrics of the song paint a picture of a man caught in the life of luxury at the Hotel California, only to realize too late that he and everyone there “are all just prisoners… of [their] own device.” As if the effects of materialism listed above were not worrisome enough, studies have found that individuals who are materialistic are also more insecure, anxious, and depressed than those individuals who are not materialistic.
In a different study, psychologist Galen V. Bodenhausen and his team of researchers found that students who were exposed to images of luxury items and words compared to students who were exposed to nature scenes, rated themselves higher in anxiety and depression than the other students. This research is important because it indicates that people who have a mind frame of materialism may have higher levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to those individuals who do not.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
We live in a society that applies a great deal of pressure on its consumers to have more in order to be “happy.” We have been led to believe that satisfaction will come from collecting material things. However, this way of thinking does not guarantee happiness, stable relationships, or a reduction in anxiety and depression. In fact, being materialistic seems to provide the complete opposite by leading to less satisfaction, strained relationships, and higher levels of anxiety and depression.
If living the life of a rock ‘n’ roll star is not the way towards a life of happiness and fulfillment, then how do you find satisfaction? Perhaps it might be found in engaging in the opposite of materialism, gratitude. Recent studies on happiness suggest that having deep feelings of gratitude beyond good manners could contribute largely to our happiness. With all of this in mind, just remember the wise words of Axl Rose, ” nothin’ lasts forever, even cold November rain.”
Many articles about conflict focus on the resolution process as the savior of personal and business relationships. But let’s discuss the benefits of mentally embracing the conflict, itself. A common belief is that conflict indicates a breakdown in the relationship. But the reality is that wrestling successfully with conflict can serve to strengthen the relationship as well as each individual’s character and sense of self.
Back to the Fire
Are you one of many people that say, “I hate conflict”? Then you know what it is like to dodge potentially incendiary conversations by putting on a good face in order to keep the peace. You find yourself agreeing to disagree before the subject of disagreement is even thoroughly presented. Maybe you put an end to the conversation, or even the entire relationship, at the slightest hint of a differing perspective. But what sort of relationship can only exist if everyone thinks the exact same way all of the time? And how effective is a partnership where you can only discuss the topics on which you agree? It is time to stop taking a fearful approach to conflict and avoiding deeper issues brewing underneath surface.
According to Michael Batshaw, LCSW and author of 51 Things You Should Know Before Getting Engaged, “…conflict isn’t going to end the relationship, it’s avoiding the conflict [that might].” So there’s good reason to embrace interpersonal conflict. If managed well, the results can be more openness towards differing opinions, beliefs and values, increased cohesion, and greater authenticity.
Instead of turning your back to the fire, encourage yourself to go back into the fire! Do this by challenging your view of what a disagreement means.
Additionally, the objective of engaging in the conflict is NOT to win. When disagreements are based on two subjective opinions, you would be hard-pressed to find a winner. Rather, you are seeking to be your most honest self in the relationship, to learn to accept differences and to find resolution.
They are not the enemy. When you fight to win, you make the other person the enemy. Instead of sharing ideas, you gather ammunition. Perceiving your partner or loved one in this manner is a sure-fire way to invite greater problems into the conflict.
Conflict creates opportunity. When people are honest about who they are and what they think, and are willing for the other do the same, they open themselves to see the world from a different perspective. Being open to another viewpoint does not require you to agree, but it does challenge you to widen your lens. You also get the chance to explore creative problem solving.
The Fire Within
Relationships are only one way to embrace conflict. You do not always (necessarily) need to step outside of yourself to encounter a struggle. At various points in life, each of us will experience inner conflict. It can have its benefits as well. Read more about this topic in the follow-up to this blog, Inner Conflict: Harnessing the Fire Within.
After embracing the conflict, it is still vitally important to address it in a healthy manner that leads to resolution and personal and relational growth.
If you need help with conflict resolution (either internal or external), contact Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute.
An affair can be earth shattering. It is normal to feel angry, rejected, isolated and alone. It often invites a myriad of questions along with the immediate urge to do something. How could this happen? Did my spouse ever really love me? How could this person break my trust like this? How do I move past this? How can this be fixed? Strong emotions of rage, hurt, fear, and betrayal settle in and you don’t know what to do.
For an event so traumatic and devastating, it is alarming how commonplace infidelity has become. Depending on the source and its definition of infidelity, affairs affect anywhere between 20-25% to 70-75% of couples. You are not alone and can move on. However, while it may be common, the effect and meaning the affair has on each person is unique, and figuring out what to do next can be difficult.
What Can I Do?
Give yourself time. Free yourself from making an immediate decision. The time will come for a decision to be made but in the present recognize the swirling emotions of hurt, anger, frustration, fear and grief. Rash decisions often come from acting out of strong emotion, so learn to sit with them and understand those feelings.
Use this time to take care of yourself. There are other areas of your life requiring your attention. Losing something valuable in one area does not mean you’ve lost everything. Don’t lose yourself in the process. Care for your own needs and the needs of your children. Eat nutritionally and exercise. Notice your work performance. As much as possible, stay involved in your usual activities and hobbies. They will provide a needed sense of stability in such a tumultuous time. Here is a checklist for self-care.
Communicate with your partner.
Take a timeout – Implement a specified period of time during which no terminal decisions will be made about the relationship. The time frame will vary depending on the nature of the infidelity and the needs of each partner. Taking a time out can help you visualize both individually and collectively and carefully consider options. It may be helpful to seek the help of a couples’ counselor to prevent premature or overly emotional decisions.
Create stability – Maintain a routine. Have a conversation about how household tasks will be performed, how children will be co-parented and determine if meals will be shared. Starting these conversations will help make life more predictable before any major decisions are made.
Establish boundaries –
Determine whether the situation calls for separate living arrangements – especially if the relationship has become volatile.
Discuss when and what aspects of the affair will be discussed. This helps decrease conflict and provides space to process your thoughts and feelings, along with those of your spouse.
Take time to specifically discuss with your spouse who else will know about the situation and which details may be shared. It may also be helpful to discuss how to present yourselves to others unaware of the circumstances.
Practice hope – Consider the events of the past that have made you stronger. Often, these are the difficult and trying things. Many wonder if they will survive after something as devastating as an affair. Years later, many have learned to live more authentic lives with their spouses or with themselves in another relationship. It won’t happen overnight, but you will get through this. Take it one day at a time.
References
Baucom, D. & Snyder, D. (2009). Helping couples get past the affair: A clinician’s guide. New York: Guilford Press.
Marriage Advocates. (2013, October 22). What should I do when my spouse is having an affair? Retrieved from: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2013/10/22/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-is-having-an-affair/
Many of us want “happily ever after” relationships. How can we cultivate relationships that stand the test of time? Many marriage vows are based on commitment to the marriage that includes phrases such as “til death do us part,” and “in sickness and health.” Before marriage we often assume that we all know what “commitment” means. Oftentimes, however many people differ in their opinions about what it means to be “committed” in a relationship. Unless we talk openly about our assumptions, as well as the possible pitfalls that hinder a committed relationship, we can set ourselves up for disappointment.
First, it is important in any relationship to begin by building a healthy foundation that includes protective walls around the relationship. Actively work to build trust, emotional connection, and intimacy with one another. A healthy marriage does not come naturally. It takes investment. A number of resources are available like books, videos, retreats, classes, couple’s counseling, and marriage seminars that offer great tools to cultivate love and also increase awareness of behaviors that damage trust and intimacy.
Second, talk openly about how to protect the walls around the relationship. What are some “red flags” that can alert each partner that the marriage is in need of attention? Talk about how to approach one another when feeling disconnected or taken for granted. If we receive emotional support from someone outside the marriage other than our spouse, cracks begin to form in our walls and weaken the relationship. If it is difficult to approach one another, seek professional help to work through challenges or obstacles together.
Third, talk openly about the potential of temptation outside the marriage. Just because we are committed does not mean that we will not find someone else attractive. This is perfectly normal. How can we protect our relationship when we find someone else attractive, or when someone makes advances on us? Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends,” offers a brief list of suggestions to consider:
Know that attraction is normal. But just because you feel it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Being attracted to someone else doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong person. One of the measures of true commitment is that you don’t allow yourself to be pulled away from your priorities by distractions.
Don’t let yourself fantasize about what it would be like to be with that other person.
Above all, keep communication inside the walls of marriage. If outside support is needed, make it a rule to confide only in someone that puts the marriage first.
In her book, “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” Shirley Glass has several quizes that offer warning signs that a partner may be on the slippery slope to an affair. The book also offers great insights on how to build healthy walls around the relationship and close cracks or openings that appear.
Quiz: Is Your On-line Friendship Too Friendly?
What are the warning signs that you (or your partner) are on the slippery slope to an on-line affair? Take this quiz and see:
Do you find yourself coming to bed later at night because you are chatting on-line?
Do you ever exit a screen because you do not want a family member to see what you are reading or writing to a chat room member?
Have you ever lied to your spouse about your personal Internet activities?
Would you feel uncomfortable sharing your Internet correspondence with your spouse?
Have you ever set up a separate e-mail account or credit cared to carry on personal correspondence with an individual on-line?
Has your Internet correspondence had a negative effect on your work or household tasks?
Have you ever lied in response to a question from your spouse about your e-mail correspondence?
Have you ever exchanged photos of yourself with a secret e-mail correspondent?
Since beginning a secret e-mail correspondence, have you ever experienced a loss or an unusual increase in sexual desire with your spouse?
Have you made arrangements to talk secretly on the phone with your e-mail correspondent?
Have you made arrangements to meet with your secret e-mail correspondent?
Scoring Key:
Two or more yes answers to questions 1,2,3,4 indicate a potential Internet romance developing. It is time to either share your on-line correspondence with your mate or break off the correspondence and begin to examine how to improve your marriage.
A yes answer to any of questions 5,6,7 indicates you are crossing a boundary from an Internet friendship to an Internet romance. Acknowledge this relationship for what it is about to become and take action to preserve and enhance your marriage.
A yes to questions 8 or 9 indicates you have begun a fantasy romantic relationship with your on-line correspondent. Even if it never moves to a physical stage, this relationship has great potential to damage or destroy your marriage.
A yes to questions 10 or 11 indicates that you have taken positive action toward initiating an extramarital affair. Consider the impact this will have on the marriage and your children and take steps to sort this out with a professional. (Glass, 2004)
A “happily ever after” relationship goes through a number of ups and downs. It takes investment, a willingness to be open, and a good amount of courage. Healthy walls take work and need to be maintained throughout the years. Fuller Life Family Therapy offers an abundance of marriage resources, pre-marital counseling, and couple’s counseling in the hopes that we can be a part of cultivating healthy relationships.
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A recent study pegged the top three resolutions of 2014 to be: lose weight, get organized, and spend less. The same study shows that only 8% of people are successful in achieving their goals. One reason these resolutions do not last may be that the changes are only surface level. Merely focusing on surface issues is somewhat like cleaning only a square foot of an entire room that needs tidying. As important as those immediate goals are, why not dig a little deeper into the more long-standing rhythms of life we have been living? The fourth most common resolution is to enjoy life to the fullest, yet so many of us struggle to know how that is done. Here are some simple guidelines to create lasting resolutions that tackle our whole, beautiful existence so we are able to truly enjoy life to the fullest (Statistic Brain, 2014).
Starting Off: Where do we still live in fear?
An excellent first step is to notice the areas where we are fearful in order to target tricky areas that need our attention. For instance, we may feel fear when thinking of our finances, relationships, specific habits or body image. This first step takes reflection and a tolerance for initial discomfort. However, the insight and awareness that we can attain by listening to our fears is invaluable, and thus takes priority. Beyond this, we can begin to address the different realms of life that intertwine to make a fuller life: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.
Mental Well-Being: Never Stop Being a Student
Life never stops delivering its lessons, so we can refresh our perspective constantly by being a forever-student. We can learn from past mistakes, our relationships, or from our reflection. A wonderful guiding principle here is to always let what you learn challenge what you know. Other ideas include reading books not in your normal repertoire, attending a workshop or two that stretch your mind, or joining an academic circle that is out of your comfort zone. Have you always wondered about a particular profession or field of research? Clear a little time each week to get your feet wet, purely for the fun of it. We can even look to our relationships and challenge the status quo by making our interactions and responses more positive and encouraging. The best part is: this type of learning involves no grades!
Physical Well-Being: Balance Your Lifestyle
We have all heard it before: physical health rests on diet and exercise. In fact, we have heard it so many times, our minds are likely to tune out the message completely. However, if we can shift our perspective enough to see physical wellness more holistically – we can begin to feel freedom as we open up ourselves to more options for health. Diet and exercise are just two facets of a happy, balanced lifestyle. So don’t just exercise, engage in a fun, creative activity. Feel the joy of working muscles and a beating heart; feel the joy of each movement and breath. In addition, don’t just diet; eat lots of superfoods, and enjoy the effects it has on your body. And we do not have to stop there, we can look at how we spend our day. For one week, we can try logging how much time is spent on each activity. Chances are we might spot many areas of sedentary lifestyle plugged into our technology. Novelist Abha Dawesar asks the question: “Have our lives now become fixated on the drive to digitally connect, while we miss out on what’s real?” The frequent use of technology has powerful effects on our identity, lifestyle and overall wellbeing. The value of unplugging daily is crucial to our experience of a full life. Check out Dawesar’s whole lecture below for inspiring commentary on the role technology has in our life.
Spiritual Well-Being: Unleash Your Creative Spirit
There is more to unleashing our creative spirit than meets the eye. The process of expressing what lies within us is a validating experience that can open us up to so much life. Our initial responses to this task might be “I’m not creative” or “I’m too busy”. Each of us has an inner child and a playful spirit that needs to be expressed. A good first step is to loosen our ideas of what it means to be creative. Perhaps one person’s version of creativity involves creating a spreadsheet just for fun, while another’s involves writing a song about nonsense. Start small. Try taking a different route to work or shopping for groceries somewhere new. Build up creativity by encouraging play in your day which can further unlock your creative spirit. With regard to time, keep in mind that our busyness will never fully dissipate. Stress has a way of tricking us into feeling we need to complete everything all at once. If we can be reminded that this is an illusion, we will have greater ease in creating time for creativity. Creativity is essential to encountering the fullness of spiritual well-being.
Emotional Well-Being: “All You Need Is [Still] Love”
Marianne Williamson, celebrated author and lecturer, writes that the opposite of fear is love. “We have been brought up in a world that does not put love first, and where love is absent, fear sets in… It’s a terrible absence of what we need in order to survive” (Williamson, 2012, p. 22). We cannot underestimate the centering, transformative, purposing power of love in our daily lives. In each of our resolutions, perhaps we can include love; love for our bodies, love for our minds, love for those we share our lives with. Letting love grow into every small detail of our lives is perhaps the most paramount of steps to a fully enjoyed life. If it has been a while since we have felt love, we can start small by practicing gratitude. In all of these things, it is important to be compassionate and patient as we address these areas of our blessed lives. Try not to lose heart if results are not seen within the expected timeline. Deep, lasting change takes time and tends to be cyclical. So breathe… and take small steps daily towards truly enjoying life to the fullest. Good luck, and Happy New Year!
Williamson, M. (2012). A return to love: Reflections on the principles of a course in miracles. New York, NY: HarperOne.
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION STATISTICS – Statistic Brain. 2013 Statistic Brain Research Institute, publishing as Statistic Brain. JANUARY 1, 2014 http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/
***Although the information provided in the therapy blog is written by mental health professionals, it DOES NOT substitute or qualify as professional counseling or therapy. This information is offered as a source of help and information regarding common concerns related to mental, emotional, relational and spiritual health. Please note the information provided here is for information purposes only and is NOT professional counseling.
Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate
