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Archive for acceptance

3 Solutions For Women Who Overthink Everything

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 January 18, 2018
  · No Comments

Women love to think and, sometimes, overthink. In the 1990’s and early 2000’s, Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Yale-educated expert psychologist studied mood, depression and gender differences. Her extensive and pioneering research on rumination helped explain why women are twice as likely to have depression than men and also demonstrated how widespread overthinking can be.

“When there is any pause in our daily activities,” says Nolen-Hoeksema in 2013, “many of us are flooded with worries, thoughts and emotions that swirl out of control, sucking our emotions and energy down, down, down. We are suffering from an epidemic of overthinking.”

In her book, Women Who Think Too Much, she defines overthinking and shares helpful tips to slow our minds down and stop the trap of overthinking.

Kneading Our Thoughts

Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema explains overthinking is paying attention to the thoughts created by our mood, mulling them over, taking them very seriously, and letting them influence our decisions.  It looks like going over your thoughts and then examining them repetitively. She says overthinking is similar to kneading our thoughts like dough. Overthinking is pervasive and self-focused and often not helpful. Researchers interviewed students about their results after overthinking. They discovered the students were less insightful and usually wrong about their assumptions. In fact, they had a kind of tunnel vision that only allowed them to focus on the negative. Overthinking is not your friend.

The Yeast Effect

Not only does getting caught kneading our thoughts lead us to have a negative focus; but, this overthinking comes with a yeast effect. In the same manner dough doubles in size when kneaded, our negative thoughts will grow when we work them over too. These oversized thoughts lead to less insight and consequently more negative decisions. Choices that can ruin your life, impair your well-being and ability to function in the world. Research shows ruminative-type thinking leads to a dip in our performance and our ability to concentrate, pay attention, and shift to account for the positive. Overthinking also affects our ability to problem solve well; and, when we do problem solve, we have difficulty adequately putting the solution in place.

Stopping the Cycle

  1. Break the grip of your thoughts by giving your mind a planned rest. Intentionally distract yourself with a positive activity like a mindful hobby, physical activity, good book, massage, or movie. Be your own “thought police”, firmly telling yourself to stop in the moment, and then schedule a specific time to think things over. Another solution is asking a friend or spouse to help and talking about what you are overthinking.
  2. Climb up out of the muck onto higher ground. Take time to change your focus away from overthinking to a healthier view of a situation. Don’t get stuck in comparisons or be ruled by negative emotions. Accept the pain then brainstorm possible solutions. Consider other simple reasons for your distress at first, like lack of sleep or hunger. Connect with higher values to evaluate all possible solutions. Next, take some small action to begin overcoming your problem. In the process, try to forgive those who have wronged you to let go of overthinking their offense. When implementing solutions, listen out for when your overthinking is the result of others telling you how you ought to be feeling, thinking or behaving.
  3. Avoid falling into the trap again. She says, “don’t go there.” Choose not to put yourself in situations that involve overthinking. Sometimes, this looks like physically avoiding a situation or letting go of unrealistic and unhealthy goals for yourself. However, if the trap feels unavoidable, create a new picture of yourself inside those situations by replacing negative images with positive ones. For an example, seeing yourself as someone who is competent to learn new skills or trying to find a satisfying story to understand your troubles. Finally, broaden your base for multiple sources of support. Becoming a volunteer at a cause you value or finding new friends in other stages of life can provide a different perspective on life.

 

“Over the past four decades women have experienced unprecedented growth in independence and opportunities,” Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema wrote, “We have many reasons to be happy and confident.”

Fuller Life is here to help you restore yourself to joy and calm.

References

Carey, B. (2013, January 13).Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, Psychologist Who Studied Depression in Women, Dies at 53. The New York Times. Retrieved November 12, 2017, from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/14/us/susan-nolen-hoeksema-psychologist-who-studied-depression-in-women-dies-at-53.html?_r=0

Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (1987). Sex differences in unipolar depression: Evidence and theory. Psychological Bulletin, 101(2), 259-282.http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.101.2.259
Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2000). The role of rumination in depressive disorders and mixed anxiety/depressive symptoms. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 109(3), 504-511.http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/0021-843X.109.3.504
Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (2012). Women who think too much: how to break free of over-thinking and reclaim your life. London: Piatkus.
Nolen-Hoeksema, S., Wisco, B. E., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2008). Rethinking rumination. Perspectives on psychological science, 3(5), 400-424.

Lyubomirsky, S., & Nolen-Hoeksema, S. (1995). Effects of self-focused rumination on negative thinking and interpersonal problem solving. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69(1), 176-190.doi. 10.1037//0022-3514.69.1.176

Contributed by Angela Blocker, M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

Categories : Lifestyle, Problem Solving, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, anxiety, overthink, rumination, self-care practices, thought paralysis, women

Writing Your Destiny: Does the Story You Tell Yourself Help or Hurt You? 

Posted by Shani Bell on
 May 30, 2017
  · No Comments

If you were to pick a genre for the story of your life, what would it be? A romantic comedy? Action? Psychological Thriller? A horror?? The stories we tell ourselves about the lives we lead deeply impact the way we view ourselves and our outlook.

Rereading Your Story

Since our story matters so much it is helpful to really look at what our story is and put words to it. Just think about it for a moment. Take some time to write down the 5 most significant events of your life. Think about the story you tell yourself about these events.

  • Start with identifying the type of character you play. Are you the victim, the hero, the villain or some other character? How does viewing yourself in this manner affect the way you lead your life?
  • Now think about the events themselves. Out of all the experiences you have had, you chose a certain 5 to be the most significant. Is the road through these events what psychologist, Michael White, calls problem saturated?
  • How do these events change how you see the world?
  • What meaning are you giving these 5 experiences and how does this meaning direct how you see life in general?
  • What was the moral of the stories?  How has each event impacted your rules for life?

Have these events created a limited view of yourself?  Do they influence your poor decisions?  Have these memories created an unhealthy sense of your own identity?  If the answer to these questions is no, maybe you should take another look at the autobiography that you have written.

Find the Missing Pieces

One vital question that you can ask yourself when thinking about your perspective is “Am I omitting something important from my story?” Though you placed a high-level of importance on the meaning you have given these events, decide if there are other events or alternative interpretations that can tell you a different story about yourself. Challenge how you have allowed these stories to form your core beliefs. Often, people will generate beliefs from places like early life experiences, values from their family origin or intense turning points like tragedies. From that point on, they unconsciously sift through their experiences going forward looking only for the ones that confirm their existing beliefs. The problem is that there are so many fact missing from their limited point of view. They never see the full picture.

Don’t Ruin the Ending!

Omitted facts and narrow perspectives can have serious effects. Imagine a young high school honor student who gained a low SAT score. She always saw herself as intelligent with a passion for learning until that point. But after perceived failure, she then built a belief about herself that she is not smart enough to succeed.

She starts limiting herself by taking easier college courses that she believes she can pass, afraid to challenge herself. She graduates and gains a steady career. Her bosses see her potential, but she passes up promotions not believing in her skills and abilities. One day, she is reprimanded for missing an important deadline. “See! I knew it. I’m a failure”, she declares. Her mind is turned away from any evidence against this belief, like graduating college, establishing a career, or being offered promotions. All she sees is the same failure she identified with in high school. Does this story sound familiar? If so, you might need to turn the page on your thinking.

To live a full and meaningful life going forward, think about changing the meaning you have given the life you have already lived. Rewrite your story.

 

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, cognitive reframing, core beliefs, mental health, personal narrative, self-awareness, self-esteem

Collector, Minimalist or Hoarder: Whoever Dies With The Most Toys Wins

Posted by Laura Cardella on
 December 22, 2016
  · No Comments

What is your lifestyle?  Did you arrive at this style intentionally?  Or did you wake up one day asking, “Where did I get all this stuff?”  Some of us are very purposeful about what we collect.  We plan our lives so that we buy a house by age 25, upgrade to a bigger house by 30, and purchase a camper and boat by age 40.

The Intent to Stay Small

On the other hand, some keep their possessions so few they can pack up and move without renting a van.  These are minimalists. They shop at second hand stores for their family’s clothing. They grow and consume their own produce. A bicycle is their primary transportation, using a car only for lengthier trips.  Minimalists are often motivated by a prudent use of the ecosystem.  They struggle to accept that  “12 percent of the world’s population living in North America and Western Europe account for 60 percent of private consumption spending.”

Your Neighborhood’s Style

Within your own neighborhood, you may see signs of lifestyles affected by increasing consumption.  Do you see storage units flourishing in your community?  Parking lots built for extraneous boats, trailers, huge RVs being stored behind high fences?

The size and décor of  homes is showcased on several Home and Garden TV series.  Tiny Houses is about homes which shelter families in a space of 150 square feet or less.  On the other side of the spectrum, the ubiquitous house hunting and remodeling programs showcase large homes with expensive décor.

New Careers for the 21st Century

Our love for collecting is contributing to the flourishing professional organizing business which has sprung up worldwide in just the last 25 years, creating new niche careers.

Ellen Delap, a local certified organizer, attests to the growing popularity of people consulting organizers to make their homes more livable and less cluttered.

A Japanese organizer, Marie Kondo, is famous for her tidiness program.   She began developing her method when she was a five- year-old interested in home organization.  Her first book, “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” describes a scaled down and totally tidied home life.  Kondo can be seen on YouTube, Marie Kondo: “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” | Talks at Google https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1-HMMX_NR8

 Too Much of a Good Thing?

Recent television shows  bring “hoarding disorder,”one of the newer mental health problems, to our attention.  Television illustrates people with hoarding disorders living in the chaos of their own homes.  These programs display piles of newspapers, boxes of unworn shoes or unopened toys.  Piles of clothing barely leave space to walk through the home.  Do you think these home owners are inundated by their offsprings’ discarded childhood treasures?  Have they inherited their relations’ household furnishings and lifetime collections?  Not necessarily.

Hoarding Disorder

Actually, hoarding does not require help from either of these sources.  Hoarding disorder is characterized by ongoing difficulty in discarding possessions.  Hoarders try to “save” the items, even though they are not needed and there isn’t adequate space for their collection.  They do not perceive anything abnormal about these behaviors.  Having “excessive acquisitions” is often denied by hoarders, who typically feel anxiety when others try to limit their collecting.   The two to six percent of Americans and Europeans displaying hoarding symptoms are predominantly males over 55 years of age.  According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), 75% of hoarders also suffer from a depressive or anxiety disorder.

Downsizing

Another phase in the life of consumers is the down-sizer.  These are people who are at retirement age.  They no longer need to build a home for future children.  This segment of the population:

  • Is happy with their lives and comfortable with purging any excess and,
  • Enjoy the freedom of having fewer possessions to keep tidy and in good repair.

On the other hand, some of them:

  • Live with regret for unrealized dreams.
  • Are not ready to step down from their leadership roles at work, in the community and church.
  • Are unwilling to pass the torch to  younger generations.
  • Have declining social networks as  increasing numbers of their friends and families die.
  • Are shifting from participant to bystander at work or in their communities.
  • After downsizing their possessions they may opt for the convenience of apartment or senior community living.

What’s your lifestyle? Have you arrived at this intentionally?  Are you content with your circumstances?  Do you allow others to enjoy their own way of life, although it may differ from yours?

Perhaps you might take time to consider which category best describes your lifestyle. If you find you or someone you care about needs help with hoarding, here are some resources that may be helpful.

  • International OCD Foundation
  • The Hoarding Disorder Resource and Training Group
  • Resources For Families and Children of Hoarders
  • Help for Hoarders: Resources for Hoarders and Their Loved Ones

This holiday season may highlight the differences between family and friends’ various styles of living and giving.  You will be challenged as you try to buy the perfect gift for those having different styles than your own.  If you are a minimalist who objects to wastefulness, your values may clash with those who are not mindful of  over consumption.  And as a minimalist receives gifts, they may have to bite their tongue while receiving the gift offerings of their friends who are collectors.  Whatever your circumstance, let us remember, “Peace on earth to all!”

 

Laura is an LPC-Intern, under supervision of Dr. Amy Fuller, LPC-S, in Houston, Texas.

fullerlifefamilytherapy.0rg 

 

 

 

Categories : Counseling, Lifestyle, Social Skills, transitions
Tags : acceptance, anxiety, mental health, mindfulness, self-awareness

7 Mistakes You Make in Your Discomfort Zone that Limit Your Growth and How to Stop Making Them

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 June 30, 2016
  · No Comments

If you were polled about your favorite thing to do, chances are you would not say discomfort. Why? It’s no surprise that human nature is to seek pleasure and avoid pain. The trouble is true pleasure is not devoid of pain and all the meaningful good stuff happens outside your comfort zone.

Michael Hyatt, New York Times bestselling author, professional career coach and former CEO of Thomas Nelson publishing company, discusses with colleague Stu Mclaren seven things preventing growth in the discomfort zone and how to overcome them.

1. Not knowing the value of discomfort.

Understand that the discomfort leads to growth. Relationship expert Dr. David Schnarch developed a growth cycle diagram(below) that includes periods of comfort and anxiety. Remaining in the comfort cycle inevitably leads to boredom. Humans thrive when there is novelty and challenge.

2. Leaning away from anxiety.

Natural instinct is to retreat. Melanie Greenberg describes how our brains naturally dislike unpredictability, change and uncertainty. However, over time these feelings of uncertainty become less threatening. Train your brain to value change by putting yourself in situations with an appropriate level of risk.

3. Running from fear.

This is sometimes something that happens unconsciously to us, and we go with the drift of the fear instead of just mindfully noticing it. Feel the urge to retreat and the thoughts corresponding with the feeling. Instead of running from it, become aware of it and go with it. Allow the fear.

4. Overthinking it.

The late Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, former chair of psychology at Yale University, performed extensive research showing that overthinking leads people to remain fixated on the problems and on their feelings about them without taking action.

5. Giving half-heartedly.

Imagine you are going into a cold swimming pool. Michael Hyatt explains putting one toe in at a time is only prolonging the agony. New York Time bestselling author H. Jackson Brown Jr. said, “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” Take the plunge.

6. Minimizing the victory.

Studies show you are more likely to repeat a behavior if you are rewarded. Rewards release dopamine your brain’s internal feel good chemical which serves to reinforce behavior. Celebrate your hard work.

7. Rushing to the next thing.

Actively taking time to pause and reflect on the challenge and success of your experience gives it meaning and becomes an experiential well to draw from for future anxiety provoking events. Journaling is a great way to reflect.

The result: Growth with confidence as a byproduct.

Stuck in a rut? Test your current level of comfort.

Fuller Life is here to help you embrace the discomfort in your life as an avenue for growth.

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Mental Health, Problem Solving, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, anxiety, mental health, panic, Problem Solving, trust

Loving the Lonely You

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 March 7, 2016
  · No Comments

Loneliness affects everyone at some point in their lives. Studies show that married, single, young, old, employed and unemployed – all of us experience bouts of loneliness. Loneliness is the gap between the perception we have of our relationships and the ones we would like to have. Loneliness is inevitable to some degree.

What do you do when you feel alone?

  1. Take a break from the Internet. Researchers have found that higher internet usage leads to a decrease in communication with family members and a decrease in social circle size. It has also been shown to increase depression and feelings of loneliness. This is especially true with social media outlets. Choose a day this week to be free from social media.
  1. Hug it Out. Hugging has been proven to increase the social bonding and trust chemical oxytocin and also stimulates dopamine, a chemical positively linked to higher self-esteem and self-confidence.  Hugging also increases serotonin, a chemical lower, or absent, in those who are depressed or chronically lonely.
    1. Hug a friend or loved one
    2. Hug an object – Hugging an inanimate object has been shown to reduce fears of mortality. In fact, a “hugging chair” exists in Japan, a country with high suicide rates, created for the sole purpose of curbing loneliness. For those of us without access to that chair, grab a pillow or stuffed toy.
    3. Hug yourself – A research team in the UK has found that crossing your arms around yourself confuses the brain and relieves physical pain. Kelly McGonigal, health psychologist and Stanford University professor states, “A self-hug should reduce pain in other ways, too, providing contact comfort and a feeling of safety and self-compassion that reduces the nervous system’s reactivity to pain and threat.” Go ahead. Give yourself a big hug.
  1. Get lost in a joyful memory. Spend five minutes reflecting on the best social interaction you’ve had. Who were you with? What were you doing? Consider the things you saw, smelled, felt, tasted and heard. Reflecting back helps to improve mood and increase life satisfaction.
  1. Embrace the solitude. Mindful solitude for the sole purpose of enjoying your own company can have positive benefits. These include, uplifted mood and increased self-confidence. Learn to cherish being alone by watching this inspiring four-minute video.

If you are in the Houston area, our team of therapists at Fuller Life offer professional therapy for all persons regardless of income and assist in helping individuals build genuine connections.

Note: If you are experiencing persistent feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities and/or suicidal thoughts, seek out a licensed mental health professional or call 911 to receive assistance.

 

References

Dorfman, A. (2010). How To Be Alone. Retrieved February 17, 2016, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Gallace A, Torta DM, Moseley GL, & Iannetti  (2011). The analgesic effect of crossing the arms. Pain 152(6):1418-23.

Halvorson, H. G. (2010). The Cure for Loneliness. Retrieved February 17, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201010/the-cure-loneliness

Kraut, R., Patterson, M., Lundmark, V., Kiesler, S., Mukophadhyay, T., & Scherlis, W. (1998). Internet paradox: A social technology that reduces social involvement and psychological well-being?. American psychologist,53(9), 1017.

McGonigal, K. (2014). Hugging Yourself Reduces Physical Pain. Retrieved February 17, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201105/hugging-yourself-reduces-physical-pain

Moye, D. (2014). ‘Hugging Chair’ Invented To Cure Loneliness. Retrieved February 17, 2016, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/04/japanese-hugging-chair_n_5930264.html

Peplau, L., & Perlman, D. (1982). Perspectives on loneliness. In L. Peplau & D. Perlman (Eds.), Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy (pp. 1-20). New York, NY: John Wiley and Sons.

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Covid-19, Self-Care Practices, Self-Validation (affirmations)
Tags : acceptance, compassion, connection, loneliness, self-care, social media, solitude

Infidelity: the natural disaster you can survive

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 December 3, 2015
  · 1 Comment

An affair can be earth shattering. It is normal to feel angry, rejected, isolated and alone. It often invites a myriad of questions along with the immediate urge to do something. How could this happen? Did my spouse ever really love me? How could this person break my trust like this? How do I move past this? How can this be fixed? Strong emotions of rage, hurt, fear, and betrayal settle in and you don’t know what to do.

For an event so traumatic and devastating, it is alarming how commonplace infidelity has become. Depending on the source and its definition of infidelity, affairs affect anywhere between 20-25% to 70-75% of couples. You are not alone and can move on. However, while it may be common, the effect and meaning the affair has on each person is unique, and figuring out what to do next can be difficult.

What Can I Do?

  1. Give yourself time. Free yourself from making an immediate decision. The time will come for a decision to be made but in the present recognize the swirling emotions of hurt, anger, frustration, fear and grief. Rash decisions often come from acting out of strong emotion, so learn to sit with them and understand those feelings.
  1. Use this time to take care of yourself. There are other areas of your life requiring your attention. Losing something valuable in one area does not mean you’ve lost everything. Don’t lose yourself in the process. Care for your own needs and the needs of your children. Eat nutritionally and exercise. Notice your work performance. As much as possible, stay involved in your usual activities and hobbies. They will provide a needed sense of stability in such a tumultuous time. Here is a checklist for self-care.
  1. Communicate with your partner.
    • Take a timeout – Implement a specified period of time during which no terminal decisions will be made about the relationship. The time frame will vary depending on the nature of the infidelity and the needs of each partner. Taking a time out can help you visualize both individually and collectively and carefully consider options. It may be helpful to seek the help of a couples’ counselor to prevent premature or overly emotional decisions.
    • Create stability – Maintain a routine. Have a conversation about how household tasks will be performed, how children will be co-parented and determine if meals will be shared. Starting these conversations will help make life more predictable before any major decisions are made.
    • Establish boundaries –
      1. Determine whether the situation calls for separate living arrangements – especially if the relationship has become volatile.
      2. Discuss when and what aspects of the affair will be discussed. This helps decrease conflict and provides space to process your thoughts and feelings, along with those of your spouse.
      3. Take time to specifically discuss with your spouse who else will know about the situation and which details may be shared. It may also be helpful to discuss how to present yourselves to others unaware of the circumstances.
  1. Practice hope – Consider the events of the past that have made you stronger. Often, these are the difficult and trying things. Many wonder if they will survive after something as devastating as an affair. Years later, many have learned to live more authentic lives with their spouses or with themselves in another relationship. It won’t happen overnight, but you will get through this. Take it one day at a time.

 

 

References

Baucom, D. & Snyder, D. (2009). Helping couples get past the affair: A clinician’s guide. New York: Guilford Press.

Marriage Advocates. (2013, October 22). What should I do when my spouse is having an affair? Retrieved from: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2013/10/22/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-is-having-an-affair/

 

Angela E Blocker Image

 

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFTA

Supervised under Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Boundaries, Communication, Counseling, Couples, Divorce, Emotions and Relationships, Infidelity, Marriage, Relationships
Tags : acceptance, adultery, Communication, couples, Infidelity, relationships

Managing Disappointment

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 October 27, 2015
  · No Comments

When was the last time you anticipated life would go one way but instead it took an unexpected turn? In a moment, feelings of frustration, hurt, disappointment and anger can set in. Experiencing disappointment is a part of life but knowing how to handle it can be confusing.Here are some tips to get back in the saddle again.

Express Those Emotions

  • Give yourself space to feel all the emotions accompanying the unmet expectation. Are you angry? Sad? Frustrated? It is normal and feeling them helps free you to make a sound decision. Emotions can easily cloud good judgment and make small situations seem larger than they are. By allowing yourself to feel the spectrum of emotion, you give yourself the freedom to see the situation more clearly—to gain perspective.
  • Expressing emotion is also healthy. After a disappointment, there is a greater risk of physical or emotional difficulties or a combination of the two, partly because of mishandling emotions. It can be tempting to hold these feelings inside or project them onto others. Psychologist Dr. Michael Ashroth, explains that over time, being disappointed can even lead to chronic stress problems internally and with those around you. Do yourself a favor and let it out. Try journaling! Is your energy regained through people? Talking it over with someone you know who listens well is a great way to let go.

Don’t Dwell

  • Disappointment may require a bit of grieving time to handle the loss of unmet expectations but don’t stay there! Wallowing keeps you stuck and prevents you from taking steps toward success.  Not sure if you’re dwelling?  Notice how much time and energy you spend thinking about the situation or talking about it. Choosing to think through the situation over and over with little action can increase your anxiety. Instead, go out and do something constructive or fun. It will reenergize your mind to take action! Dwelling will keep you from accomplishing your goals moving forward.

Embrace It

  • Remember, in every situation you get to choose how to respond. Start by accepting the situation as it is. You do not have control over another person and you may not have control over some situations but you do have choices.  Make the choice to evaluate what you wanted from yourself, the situation and others. Try to see it as an opportunity for a new possibility. If this sort of disappointment has happened repeatedly, accept it and consider what could be changed to yield a different result. Seek other avenues to achieve your goals. It may be time to step out of your comfort zone and take a risk!

Disappointment is a normal part of life that everyone experiences. However, it does not have to have a negative effect. Use it as a stepping stone to achieve all you hope for!

  • References
    Ashroth, M. (2013). Dealing with disappointment. PsychCentral. http://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing-with-disappointment/
  • Lybi, M. (2004). Down but not out. PsychologyToday. https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200403/down-not-out

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : acceptance, disappointment, emotions, mental health, self-awareness, self-care, Self-Care Practice, stress, stress management

The Superpower of Self-Awareness

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 February 5, 2014

awarenessWe live in an age of self-awareness; it is an age in which we have the capability to monitor and measure our daily living.  We are surrounded by means to quantify our existence:  Scales for our weight, programs for measuring food intake, mobile apps to balance spending, trackers of all kinds for things like physical activity and sleep.  But are these measurements descriptive of the whole human person?  Our existence is not limited to our physical presence in the world, but also our emotional and spiritual presence.  To be fully aware of who we are is truly a process that serves a great purpose.  Abounding research proves that having full awareness of who we are leads to much greater self-efficacy (Mattingly & Lewandowski, 2013).

Simply put, self-awareness enables us to live more powerfully and effectively in our world.  We develop the capability to understand the roots of our recurring issues so that our relationships enjoy increased functioning and freedom.  The Dalai Lama says that, “to have greater self-awareness or understanding means to have a better grasp of reality;” our increased grasp of reality serves as a superpower for a fully enjoyed life with no (or at least minimal) blind spots!

The Body

When we consider how to become more aware of ourselves, a wonderful place to start is in our body.  At what points during the day do we feel increased heart rates or muscle tension?  Can we catch ourselves growing fidgety?  Are there times when we experience more headaches and upset stomachs?  Where are we when we experience increased or decreased relaxation in our body?  This practice is separate from merely measuring quantitatively; this type of awareness leads to increased emotional and spiritual health.  Moving forward from here, we can begin asking “why” and noticing patterns.

The Mind

Another great way to increase self-awareness is to begin noticing our thought patterns.  It is a common tendency to occasionally think in negative and distorted ways, which can have powerful effects on how we feel.  The task here is to challenge some of the false assumptions we make about ourselves and our world.  This process is called cognitive restructuring.  Dr. Alice Boyes offers a few steps to challenging some of our automatic thoughts.  We can practice noticing when cognitive distortions arise and track the accuracy of our thoughts.  And we can even go further by behaviorally testing the legitimacy of our thoughts or assumptions.  One of the greatest priorities in gaining awareness of our thoughts and assumptions is considering our early environment and its effect on us.  For example, what unspoken rules did we learn about our world and ourselves?  The insight we gain informs us on how we got to where we stand today.  Often, as adults, we generalize the rules we learned in our early environment to the whole world.  However, there is great benefit in reevaluating what rules might no longer be helpful to us.  Our thoughts hold strong power over our emotions and behaviors, often leaving us feeling a bit out of control; however, awareness places the power back in our own hands.

The Soul

Finally, we can become aware of our emotional climate, and how it affects who we are in our world.  Dr. Harold Duncan describes emotional self-awareness as “the ability to maintain self-reflectiveness even amidst turbulent emotions”.  So we can start by asking ourselves: When is the last time I had a strong emotional reaction to something?  What insight can I draw from that memory?  Throughout the process of understanding our emotions, we begin to change the relationship we have with ourselves to a far more positive and encouraging one.  Rather than chaotically responding to our environment, we can use our awareness to respond with wisdom and compassion to ourselves while considering our unique needs.  We become the insightful owners of our emotion when we gain that precious awareness.  As we continue surveying our emotional inner landscape, we can gently ask ourselves questions such as:  What do I expect of myself?  What do I expect of my relationships?  What types of relationships do I gravitate towards?  What upsets me?  What are my strengths and weaknesses and how does good come from both? What would others say are my areas of improvement?  What nourishes my soul?  And one can always play around with the question, “Where does this come from?” for further insight.

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Though seemingly daunting at first, increasing self-awareness can be an ongoing and fun journey.  The goal in gaining self-awareness is not to be perfect, but rather to be accepting of who we are and thus become more impactful individuals.  This practice bears fruit in the most powerful way:  we are able to become powerful instruments in the world by fully utilizing every imperfect part of us.  What’s more, learning this provides wonderful ground for being compassionate and accepting of others – thus enriching our relationships.  Awareness is the powerful first step to finding freedom from whatever ails us.  It must, however, go hand-in-hand with self-compassion.  So if, along the journey, one finds he might need a little help – there is always support.  For those of us who have had upbringings with trauma, it can be a bit scarier to confront the details of our childhood and adolescence.  But rest assured, there is always hope.  For more tips on how to bravely increase your self-awareness, check out author Lori Deschene’s thoughts.  Enjoy the journey!

Becker-Phelps, L. (2013).  All self-improvement starts here.  Psychology Today.  Retrieved from: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201308/all-self-improvement-starts-here

Mattingly, B.A. & Lewandowski, G.W. (2013).  An expanded self is a more capable self: The association between self-concept size and self-efficacy.  Self & Identity, 12(6), 621-634.

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Emotional Intelligence, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, Awareness, compassion, mindfulness

Do all healthy couples fight?

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 May 16, 2013
  · No Comments

There is an old saying that all healthy couples fight. While it is true that all healthy couples dvactively encounter and work through conflict, it is not necessarily true that all healthy couples must or need to “fight.” Fighting normally entails a struggle for one to overpower and subdue the other. Is there a third way of resolving conflict than fighting or just giving in?

The classic back-and-forth argument is self-defeating. Imagine a couple as two fighters in opposite corners in a boxing ring. Each tries to win by out-arguing the other. Each point scored by one partner spurs the other on to retaliate in kind. Yet even when this struggle is successful at resolving the issue, the relationship often comes out bruised and wounded. Is there a way to enhance the strength of the relationship through conflict?

What if instead of boxers a couple was pictured as two people working on a puzzle together?

Couple with jigsaw puzzle

Side by side they work on a problem. While the boxers emphasize the talking part of communicating, the puzzlers place the emphasis on listening. While one person shares their thoughts and feelings the other tries to gather a deep understanding of the speaker. They ask questions to help their understanding. They share what they think they are hearing while being open to the possibility that they misunderstood and are open to correction. When one person intentionally takes such a stance it makes it much easier for the other to respond in kind.

Prominent relationship researcher John Gottman has found three types of couples communication styles  (validators, volatiles, and avoiders) can all be stable relationships.  However, regardless of the style, certain tactics such as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are destructive. Namely, these are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

An alternative positive tactic, listening, doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing – although it can lead to that. Engaging in a process of listening not only opens doors to solution but, more importantly communicates that the conversation partner is valuable. The key to success in this new venture is managing emotion. Avoiding the Four Horsemen and emphasizing listening, validating, openness, and compassion are important components to constructively working through conflict.

For more by John Gottman look into his popular books “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last” and “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” 

From the Fuller Life blog:

“Five Reasons Why Your Loved One Won’t Communicate and What They Might Be Feeling”

“Anger and Relationships”

“What I Made Up in my Mind”

 

 

Categories : Communication, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, anger management, Communication, compassion, couples, Couples exercises, Curiosity, emotions, emotions and relationships, relationships
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