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Archive for adultery

Infidelity: the natural disaster you can talk about

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 December 16, 2015
  · No Comments

The initial shock of finding out about the infidelity is over. Now what? How do you talk about the aftermath of the affair?

While possible, it is often difficult to find words to even begin such a conversation.  Steven Nock, a sociology professor at the University of Virginia states:

If, God forbid, you come home and find your wife in bed with another man, and you are in a stable, gratifying marriage, you need to talk about what happened openly and honestly. If you can actually discuss what is going on and why it happened, those couples seem to survive.

In order for this to happen, partners need to identify their thoughts and emotions and be able to effectively put their feelings into words.

Don’t Avoid

Make the decision to talk to your spouse. Infidelity thrives on secrecy and ignoring it, even after both spouses know about it, only makes matters worse.  Acknowledge the pain coming from the broken trust and grieve the loss of the relationship you had. It is normal to experience fear, confusion, bewilderment, ambiguity, embarrassment, or guilt.  Be gentle with yourself in the process as you proceed.

Have a Plan

  1. Check your motivation and expectations. Are you trying to hurt the other person in the way you’ve been hurt? Are you seeking to blame the other person? Are you playing the victim? Are you looking for quick and easy forgiveness? Consider the expectations you have for yourself and the other person.  Identifying what you want beforehand will help you stay focused during the conversation and avoid rabbit trails and the blame game.
  2. Choose a neutral location where you can give each other undivided attention without interruption.
  3. Select a time that works best for your schedule while considering your emotions. If you know you are normally stressed right after coming home from work, give yourself time to unwind first or choose a different time.  Also, set a time limit to keep the conversation focused and productive.
  4.  Commit to effective communication during the conversation. Establishing standards of communication to prevent further injury can be helpful.
    • Some good communication rules include no cursing, no name calling, no interrupting, not drudging up past issues, and respecting the other person’s perspective and feelings. For more tools on effective communication, read this article.
    • Have a game plan for how to end the conversation if these rules are not met. It may be helpful to have a mutually trusted neutral third party to help mediate the conversation.

Start the Conversation

Whether you will decide to proceed in the relationship or not, initiating a conversation about the infidelity can help each person clarify their understanding of the current condition of the relationship. Looking at yourself objectively in the relationship with reasonable expectations and a mindset of problem solving may help both partners become successful in either this relationship or in future relationships.

  1. Speak the truth- Be honest about your hopes and desires and the pain you have been experiencing.  Resist the urge to withdraw. Psychologist Anne Malec states it is important to avoid “I don’t know.” She continues to explain that “I don’t know” can mean “I don’t want to share” or “I don’t want to feel judged” in a way that may be “intellectually dishonest” and/or “emotionally safe.”  Not speaking truthfully in these conversations can create more difficulty in the long run. Consider the needs of each spouse expressed through the answers to the questions raised about the infidelity.
  2. Consider the meaning- Esther Perel, psychotherapist and relationship expert, discusses the importance of meaning when talking through affairs in her TEDtalk (see below). She explains that questions such as “Where were You?”, “How often?” –and the intimate details of the infidelity tend to lead to more pain. Instead, ask meaning-making questions.  In many cases, affairs can mean a loss of identity or hope for an anticipated future. Affairs loudly announce the distance between couples and may serve as a coping mechanism to mask deep rooted feelings of inadequacy, worthlessness, discontentment or disgust. They can also disguise fears of rejection and unmet expectations. Often issues of self-worth, body image, intimacy, fears and desires become revealed. Exploring these meanings help to define which elements of trust have been lost and give a framework for possibly rebuilding the relationship.

Ask for help

Talking about infidelity can be challenging and having a third party available to help may serve you well. Communication about the affair can be disastrous or be a stepping stone towards individual and interpersonal growth. Surrounding yourself with a team, including your therapist, pastor and a trusted friend can help you as you navigate. Healing after an affair is a process and Fuller life is here to support and encourage as you move towards a fuller life.

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

References

Elder, S. (2007). Surviving Infidelity Is Hard to Do. Retrieved December 16, 2015, from http://www.webmd.com/men/features/surviving-infidelity-hard-do

Malec, A. (2014, October). How to Talk to Your Partner about Your Affair. Retrieved December 19, 2016, from http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-your-affair-1022145

Nelson, P. (2013, March 23). Can I Get Over An Affair? The Three Phases Of Recovery. Retrieved December 3, 2015, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tammy-nelson-phd/can-i-get-over-an-affair-_b_2911106.html

Nock, S. (1998). Marriage in men’s lives. New York: Oxford University Press.

Perel, Esther (2015)Esther Perel: Rethinking infidelity … a talk for anyone who has ever loved.  Retrieved January 26, 2016 from http://www.ted.com

Categories : Couples, Infidelity, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : adultery, affair, Infidelity, marriage

Infidelity: the natural disaster you can survive

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 December 3, 2015
  · 1 Comment

An affair can be earth shattering. It is normal to feel angry, rejected, isolated and alone. It often invites a myriad of questions along with the immediate urge to do something. How could this happen? Did my spouse ever really love me? How could this person break my trust like this? How do I move past this? How can this be fixed? Strong emotions of rage, hurt, fear, and betrayal settle in and you don’t know what to do.

For an event so traumatic and devastating, it is alarming how commonplace infidelity has become. Depending on the source and its definition of infidelity, affairs affect anywhere between 20-25% to 70-75% of couples. You are not alone and can move on. However, while it may be common, the effect and meaning the affair has on each person is unique, and figuring out what to do next can be difficult.

What Can I Do?

  1. Give yourself time. Free yourself from making an immediate decision. The time will come for a decision to be made but in the present recognize the swirling emotions of hurt, anger, frustration, fear and grief. Rash decisions often come from acting out of strong emotion, so learn to sit with them and understand those feelings.
  1. Use this time to take care of yourself. There are other areas of your life requiring your attention. Losing something valuable in one area does not mean you’ve lost everything. Don’t lose yourself in the process. Care for your own needs and the needs of your children. Eat nutritionally and exercise. Notice your work performance. As much as possible, stay involved in your usual activities and hobbies. They will provide a needed sense of stability in such a tumultuous time. Here is a checklist for self-care.
  1. Communicate with your partner.
    • Take a timeout – Implement a specified period of time during which no terminal decisions will be made about the relationship. The time frame will vary depending on the nature of the infidelity and the needs of each partner. Taking a time out can help you visualize both individually and collectively and carefully consider options. It may be helpful to seek the help of a couples’ counselor to prevent premature or overly emotional decisions.
    • Create stability – Maintain a routine. Have a conversation about how household tasks will be performed, how children will be co-parented and determine if meals will be shared. Starting these conversations will help make life more predictable before any major decisions are made.
    • Establish boundaries –
      1. Determine whether the situation calls for separate living arrangements – especially if the relationship has become volatile.
      2. Discuss when and what aspects of the affair will be discussed. This helps decrease conflict and provides space to process your thoughts and feelings, along with those of your spouse.
      3. Take time to specifically discuss with your spouse who else will know about the situation and which details may be shared. It may also be helpful to discuss how to present yourselves to others unaware of the circumstances.
  1. Practice hope – Consider the events of the past that have made you stronger. Often, these are the difficult and trying things. Many wonder if they will survive after something as devastating as an affair. Years later, many have learned to live more authentic lives with their spouses or with themselves in another relationship. It won’t happen overnight, but you will get through this. Take it one day at a time.

 

 

References

Baucom, D. & Snyder, D. (2009). Helping couples get past the affair: A clinician’s guide. New York: Guilford Press.

Marriage Advocates. (2013, October 22). What should I do when my spouse is having an affair? Retrieved from: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2013/10/22/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-is-having-an-affair/

 

Angela E Blocker Image

 

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFTA

Supervised under Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Boundaries, Communication, Counseling, Couples, Divorce, Emotions and Relationships, Infidelity, Marriage, Relationships
Tags : acceptance, adultery, Communication, couples, Infidelity, relationships
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  • Home
    • Our Story
    • Our Core Values
    • Partner with Us
    • Our Training
    • Donate
  • Info
    • Our Locations
    • New Client Forms
    • Therapy Fees
    • Information for New clients
    • Secure Inquiry Form
    • Initial Session Form
    • Telemental Health Consent Form
  • Services
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Manet Castañeda,Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
  • Resources
    • Houston Sliding-Scale Therapy Agencies
    • Mental Health Resources
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
    • Local Houston Resources
      • Helpful Books
      • Personal Bill of Rights
    • Healing Practices
      • Benefits of Self-Compassion
      • Self-Care Practices
      • Self-Compassion
  • Blog
    • Blog Grid
    • Resilient Relationships
    • Befriending Anxiety
    • Dancing Through Depression
    • Growing Kids and Teens
    • Healing Practices
    • Healing Trauma and Loss
    • Living Free from Addiction
    • Managing Anger and Stress
    • Sex Therapy
    • Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families
    • Mindful Eating
    • Practicing Faith
  • New Year New You Challenge
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