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Archive for boundaries

intimate partner violence

The unexpected reality of intimate partner violence

Posted by Terry Hoisington on
 February 16, 2020
  · 2 Comments

Sometimes relationships are surprising – and perplexing. What begins as an ideal match in the eyes of others, can be a disappointing world of nightmares.

When this relationship with an intimate partner appears different in public than it is in private, it may be time to examine the direction that the relationship is growing into.

How do you know when it is time to examine your relationship? One red flag is when the “ideal” relationship only exists in public. Sometimes, the private relationship is very different than the one shown to others.

Is there reason for discomfort?

If examining the relationship brings definite feelings of discomfort, there may be valid reasons for that feeling.  Consider the following points.

Does your partner:

  • try to control what you are doing, check your phone, e-mail or social media without your permission?
  • force you to have sex when you don’t want to?
  • attempt to control your birth control or perhaps insist that you become pregnant before you are ready?
  • decide what you wear or eat?
  • decide or how you spend money?
  • humiliate you in front of others?
  • prevent or discourage you from seeing or visiting with friends, or family.
  • unfairly accused you of being unfaithful?

If you can answer yes to any one of these questions, you are likely experiencing domestic or intimate partner violence (IPV).

IPV is sometimes difficult to identify. Many people have a reaction of “Whoa, not me, my husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend loves me.” Love is not just about romance though. It is about respect, and respect has no room for violence in any form.

IPV is about control and abuse in any part of a person’s life. This control or abuse may be experienced in social activity, finances, religion and even sexual activity. What is helpful to understand is that IPV is very subtle and progresses over time.

What is Intimate Partner Violence?

Society tends to think of violence as being solely physical abuse. However, emotional abuse can be just as, or even more, damaging. IPV is a physical episode of being hit, beat, or pushed. It may be a situation of being blamed for a partner’s violent outbursts. It is important to realize that IPV is not limited to physical violence. Statements such as “If I can’t have you, then no one can” also qualifies as IPV. Verbal insults, humiliation and put-downs are also forms of IPV. It can also involve hurting or threatening someone’s children or pets.

As defined by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, Intimate Partner Violence is

“…violence or aggression that can vary in frequency and severity and occurs on a continuum ranging from one episode that might or might not have lasting impact, to chronic and severe episodes lasting over a period of years.”

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention tells us that IPV can be four types of behavior:

  • Physical violence is when a person hurts or even tries to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking or using any other type of physical force
  • Sexual violence is forcing or trying to force a partner to take part in a sex act, touching or sexting when a partner does not or cannot consent
  • Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention/contact by that causes fear or concern for safety of self or someone close to the victim
  • Psychological/emotional abuse occurs when a person is verbally humiliated, shamed, controlled or isolated from family or friends

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse often leads to any one of the other three types of IPV. It is far more subtle and less talked about since it leaves no scars on the outside. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Katie Ray-Jones, president of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) stated in an interview with Cosmopolitan.com that one woman told her…

“I can still hear his voice in my head. Even though I’ve been out of the relationship for three years, I still feel like I’m sitting there.”

Another individual relayed a similar experience indicating that trauma from emotional abuse was evidenced 10 years after the event.

In many cases, the victim’s confidence, self-esteem and perception of their world are slowly undermined by the partner’s need to dominate or control. Counseling psychologist, Carmel O’Brien, Fellow of the Australian Psychological Society, says

“…what comes across again and again is that there’s someone in the relationship who thinks that their views are more important, their needs have to come first, and they basically should be making the decisions and the other person should be toeing the line.”

How does IPV impact its victim?

IPV does not discriminate! It can happen to anyone, anywhere, regardless of gender or sexual preference, economic status, religious, ethnic or cultural group. In whatever form it takes, IPV is never OK, and can result in consequences such as, but not limited to

  • poor physical health
  • depression and/or anxiety
  • trauma or posttraumatic stress
  • feelings of guilt or shame
  • low self-esteem or self-harm
  • an inability to trust others

It is important to understand what IPV looks and feels like. Resources are available to find help when discomfort in a relationship occurs. If you or a person you know is involved in Intimate Partner Violence, please reach out for help. A few resources, both national and local, can be found below.                                                                                                                   

Resources to find help

The resources below are good places to start reaching out for help or to receive guidance:

  • National Domestic Hotline – call 1-800-799-7233 or use the secure online chat in English or Spanish
  • ACF’s (Administration for Children & Families) Family Violence Prevention and Services Program administers the primary federal funding stream dedicated to the support of emergency shelter and related assistance for victims of domestic violence and their children.
  • National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: State Coalition List provides a directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. This includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.

Find help in the Houston area:

  • Bridge Over Troubled Waters (713)473-2801 in Pasadena, Texas – Provides residential shelter in a family atmosphere for women & children in crisis, as well as counseling and educational services
  • Family Time Crisis and Counseling Center (281)446-2615 in Tomball/Humble, Texas
  • Houston Area Women’s Center (713)528-2121 is a Hotline
  • Houston Area Women’s Center
  • Domestic Violence Hotline: (713)528-2121, Rape Crisis Hotline: (713)528-7273
  • The Montrose Center (713)529-0037 on 701 Richmond Avenue, Houston, Texas77006 – Population: Lesbian, Gay & Bisexual and Transgender survivors of domestic violence can call the Gay & Lesbian Switchboard (713)529-3211
  • The Montrose Counseling Center provides around the clock, scattered site emergency shelter for LGBT survivors of domestic violence, as well as transitional housing. Advocacy & counseling services also are available.
  • Bay Area Turning Point Webster, Texas(281)286-2525 – Provides emergency shelter for battered women and children
  • Fort Bend Women’s Center  located in Richmond, Texas, (281)342-4357 Provides safe shelter for battered women and children (under 18 years of age). Counseling and referrals provided to shelter residents.
  • Houston Volunteer Lawyers (713)228-0732 Provides pro-bono civil legal services, including family law, for low-income residents of Harris County who meet eligibility requirements.
  • Legal Line  (713)759-1133

Contributed by:

Terry Hoisington, LPC-Intern

Under Supervision of Amy Fuller PhD, LPC-S

Categories : Boundaries, Counseling, Couples, Domestic Violence, Marriage, Relationships, Trauma and Loss
Tags : abuse, boundaries, couples, Domestic Violence, intimate partner violence, trauma

Real Talk: Should you Talk with Your Partner about Porn?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 August 28, 2019
  · No Comments

Real Talk: Should You Talk with Your Partner about Porn?

One of the most challenging conversations you can have with your partner is about pornography. While some consider it adultery to watch porn, others consider it a normal part of sexuality. Regardless where you stand, talking with your partner about porn can open doors to strengthen and develop your relationship.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when talking about porn with your partner.

Know Yourself

First, know where you stand on the issue. If you are uncomfortable with this topic, consider asking yourself what is uncomfortable. Explore what feels uncomfortable, so you can have more insight into yourself. If you are not uncomfortable, consider what draws you toward the use of porn and why. Knowing your comfort level helps you be clear about your preferences as you discuss this with your partner.

Studies show that couples who are open to discussing their porn usage are more satisfied in their relationship than those who do not. Chances are you will have different things to say about the issue, so it is important to know where you stand first.

Invite a Conversation

Second, invite a conversation with your significant other. Once you know where you stand on the role of pornography, you can then seek to understand your partners position.  From this place you can discuss together if porn is something you would like to incorporate into your relationship or if it is something you definitely do not want to incorporate.

Knowing your boundaries helps with this, and can help guide your conversation with your partner. Remember your partner mayhave a different opinion than yours, so seek to ask and learn before making assumptions.

Remain Open

Keep in mind that your partner may or may not be open to having this conversation, so remain open to the possibility of your partner NOT wanting to talk about the topic. If your partner IS willing to sit down and discuss this topic with you, remain open to hearing what they have to say.

Remember this: talking about pornography in your relationship is better than the alternative of not talking about it. Many couples avoid the topic or make assumptions which can lead to misunderstanding, feelings of betrayal and hurt.  If you avoid difficult topics in your relationship, you also avoid growing in your relationship.

 

For more tips on having conversations about  pornography with your partner take a look at the following Articles:

  • Having the Talk about Pornography
  • How to Talk to Your Significant Other about Pornography
  • Challenging Conversations with Your Partner.

 

Categories : Addiction & Recovery, Boundaries, Communication, Counseling, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Lifestyle, Marriage, Sexual Education
Tags : Addiction, boundaries, communications, counseling, intimacy, lifestyle, marriage, sexual education

Burnout & Boundaries: Knowing when enough is enough

Posted by 1-Lindsay Perry on
 September 18, 2018
  · No Comments

How much more can I give?

How much more can I do?

How much more can I take?

These questions can be haunting and feel unanswerable. More so, it can be defeating when the answer never comes. Finding ways to maintain and restore energy can help sustain the busy and hectic lives that have become normal in our society. It can be difficult, but recognizing burnout is the best first step.

BURNOUT: WHEN IT STARTS TO FEEL LIKE TOO MUCH

It happens so fast. You start taking on different roles (such as husband, wife, boss, employee) that keep you busy, pay the bills, and maintain your relationships. It could be a new job, a new relationship, or a new friend group. Sometimes within the roles you fill are even more roles (such as having multiple responsibilities within one job). Things go well for a while, but then you start to run out of fuel.

Knowing personal limits is the first step in being able to set healthy boundaries. How do you know where to make cuts or modifications if you don’t even know there is a problem?

Limits can be reached when there’s nothing left to give, but there are still responsibilities to attend to. Each role and responsibility consumes energy. Running on empty can result in higher levels of stress and burnout. Burnout is the exhaustion, lack of patience, and feeling down that comes from long periods of stress.

BOUNDARIES: WHEN YOU’VE REACHED YOUR LIMIT

There are many of ways to prevent burnout and create healthy boundaries to conserve energy and take care of yourself. A few examples include: having your needs met from the work you do, carving out time for self-care, and using your support system.

Figure out if what you’re doing is meeting your needs

Getting what you need from the work you do can be a great step in not getting burned out. It can be easy to just think about the money or the title with the job. However, understanding what you gain from the job you do can be helpful in knowing if something needs to change. So here are some questions to find out if your needs are being met at work:

  • Can I be myself?
  • Is my work rewarding?
  • Do I know what’s really going on?
  • Is my work meaningful?
  • Is my work emphasizing my strengths?

Each person will be different in how many of these questions they want to answer “yes” to. If many of the answers are “yes,” then the chances of burnout may be less likely. If most or all the answers are “no,” maybe there are some changes that can happen to increase the number “yes” answers. Having a healthy work environment will only help in decreasing stress and preventing burnout.

Take care of yourself

Think about what relaxes you. Is it reading a good book, going on a trip, or binging a show on Netflix? Finding ways to let go of the stress of the day can restore energy levels to tackle the day-to-day responsibilities. If self-care isn’t a priority, recharging is difficult. Then, you’re left on empty with mounting responsibilities.

Find support

Having a support system is important for a variety of reasons. Friends, family, and significant others can provide an outlet when life feels overwhelming. It’s also just as important to find a healthy support system. Healthy supports are the people who love, encourage, and challenge you to help you grow. Sometimes life can be too much to handle by yourself. Talking to friends or family is another way to prevent burnout.

 

There are many different ways to help fight burnout. The important thing is to find what works for you. For more ideas, check out these other resources or more from our blog:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/turning-straw-gold/201108/when-say-no-or-not-now?collection=88636

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pressure-proof/201306/7-strategies-prevent-burnout

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/high-octane-women/201311/the-tell-tale-signs-burnout-do-you-have-them

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-power-slow/201201/why-am-i-so-burned-out?collection=88636

 

Contributed by Lindsay Perry, M.Ed, LPC Intern #79863

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

 

 

 

Categories : Lifestyle, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management
Tags : boundaries, burnout, energy, stress, support

Stopping the Defensiveness Dance in Your Relationship

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 July 31, 2018
  · No Comments

Are you stuck in a relationship where both of you are very defensive?  If so, you know moving closer is difficult because before you must maneuver around a series of walls.

How can you move forward? Many people have found success by learning to overcome the inevitable difficulties that come with the natural defensiveness that occurs in relationships.

What’s Happening in Real Time?

  • Ensure your focus has a here-and-now orientation. You can avoid the pitfalls of either of you drudging up the past by keeping to the present. Also, it is a good idea to commit to addressing criticisms when they occur, instead of out of context and as a weapon.
  • Healthy confrontation involves a degree of humility. Taking a superior position or a one-up position opens the door for attack and closes the door to fulfilling relationship. Nobel Prize winning philosopher, Martin Buber, refers to this positioning as an I-It relationship. In this form of  relationship, one person objectifies the other to serve the interest of the individual. In contrast, he discusses an I-Thou relationship in which both meet one another in their authentic existence with respect.
  • Make sure you demonstrate a genuine interest in the other. In each encounter, find ways to help the relationship win. Ask questions or offer feedback indicating you understand the other.  If you do not, you will perceive each confrontation as an attack, instead as an opportunity.

What’s Predictable?

  • It makes sense to know the “music” that you and your spouse “dance” to. Reflect on when the “tune” starts and what words, phrases,  looks, or topics seem to put you in lockstep.  Given your usual  pattern of conflict, you can prepare yourself by expecting a reaction  like blame, “legitimate” excuses, or a distortion/ exaggeration of your point. Take time to consider how helpful your former reactions have been and focus on the better ways you’ve responded in the past.  Then, choose to take a deep breath, refuse to fight back, and look to respond in a way that values both yourself and your relationship.

Remember,  you can only change yourself. It’s a lesson to be learned over and over.  As unsettling as this can be, a commitment to changing and accepting yourself offers liberation. While not always obvious, defensiveness needs a partner. Indeed, the very cycle of attack invites the other to defend with a counterattack. By changing the way you dance, however, you free yourself from these patterns. Defensiveness implies a need to be protected. The best protection you can give yourself and your spouse is knowing that you are strong and brave enough to respond rather than react.

References

Conley, R. (2014, June 29). Defensiveness Is Killing Your Relationships – How To Recognize It and What To Do About It. Retrieved from https://leadingwithtrust.com/2014/06/29/your-defensiveness-is-killing-your-relationships/

Gunther, R. (2017, May 17). En Guarde-How Defensiveness Can Destroy Love. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201705/en-guarde-how-defensiveness-can-destroy-love

Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships
Tags : anger, anger management, boundaries, Communication, conflict, couples, defensiveness, emotions, relationships

Me, Myself, and I

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 July 23, 2018
  · No Comments

The Self 

The self is our sense of personal identity, it is a mental picture that we have of ourselves based on a number of things. The self is comprised of our moods, cognitions, behaviors, and relationships. Furthermore, the self is made up of our unique personal traits, physical characteristics, abilities, values, roles, and goals. Our sense of self begins to develop as young children and continues to develop throughout our lifetime. The experiences that we encounter throughout our lives have an impact on who we are and how we perceive ourselves. At times, it can be easy to lose our sense of self due to the interactions that we have with others, particularly loved ones. It is because of this that it is important to have a clear understanding of who we are.  

Self-Awareness   

Developing greater self-awareness is a necessary skill to learn if one is interested in growing as a more balanced and confident adult. Self-awareness is the extent to which we are focusing on and aware of our own self- concept. Our self-concept can be accessible for short periods of times like when we are in front of a mirror and we suddenly become aware of ourselves, or for longer periods of time like when we are clear and aware of our sexual preference. Because self-awareness comes and goes it is easy to lose sight of who are, and therefore more likely to violate our own values and norms. This is especially true when we are in a group setting where there is more pressure to conform to the group mentality.  

Gaining Self-Awareness 

Increasing self-awareness can be achieved through a number of mindful and intentional practices. As mentioned earlier, it is a skill to develop, and therefore requires time and intentionality. One of the best ways to gain greater self-awareness is to process your life story with a mental health professional who can help you gain greater insight into yourself. Seeking the help of a counselor can not only help you become more self-aware, but also can help you understand yourself better. Another way to practice self-awareness is by committing to dedicating 15-20 minutes of your day to exploring yourself and what you are about. You might even consider writing down ideas about who you are and what your values and beliefs are in order to gain greater clarity. Lastly, one way to learn more about yourself is through personality tests like the famous Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram personality assessment.  

Being clear about who you are is essential for going through life, and learning to develop further self-awareness is a skill that can be developed through mindful and intentional practice. Because our sense of self is influenced and molded by the world around us, it is important to be clear about where we stand in that world. Our sense of self develops as we go through life, and because of this practicing self-awareness can aid in growing as balanced and confident adults.

 

For more information on the self and how to achieve greater awareness of the self, please visit: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/  

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/home.htm?bhcp=1  

http://open.lib.umn.edu/socialpsychology/chapter/4-1-the-cognitive-self-the-self-concept/ 

 

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Boundaries, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices
Tags : boundaries, emotional intelligence, mental health, mindfulness practice, self-awareness, Self-Care Practice

The Best Way To Save Your Relationship

Posted by Taylor Knox on
 February 7, 2017

Most people believe that the best way to save their relationship is by communicating better or changing their partner. While these are nice when they happen, the problem is they hinge on both people working together.  Alternatively, one way to positively impact your relationship is to focus on growing yourself so you can learn to be a better partner.

In an attempt to simplify this seemingly overwhelming task, consider these four concepts Dr. David Schnarsh calls the four points of balance leading to more successful interpersonal relationships.

Solid-flexible self:

a person’s ability to be clear about what they value, and who they are, while in close proximity to others who are important to them.

Having a solid flexible self means not having to put a physical or emotional distance between yourself and someone else because they have different beliefs than you do. A person with a solid-flexible sense of self can be influenced by others, but does not compromise their own sense of self. They have a clear picture of themselves and are willing to share this with others in a way that allows others to know them more deeply. This person can entertain the thoughts and values of others without losing their own identity.

Quiet mind-calm heart:

a person’s ability to self-sooth.

Having a quiet mind and calm heart encompasses regulating your own emotions, feelings, and anxieties instead of allowing yourself to be comforted or controlled by others. A quiet mind and calm heart is key for the struggle for individual autonomy. If a person is not able to self-sooth they are not capable of functioning alone. In time, they become dependent on their partner leading to a reactive desire for autonomy and ultimately less intimacy. As one learns to self-regulate and self-soothe one also learns how to be closer to those they care about. For more on how to do this, see what Dr. Amy Fuller has to say about using a green light practice.

Grounded Responding:

a person’s ability to stay calm and assertive when their partner gets anxious.

This means accepting your partner’s strengths and quirks without trying to change your partner to make yourself less anxious. Ultimately, this is tolerating a partner’s differences while staying close to them.  When you respond instead of react you are addressing and not avoiding what is happening in the relationship with adult language and behavior.

Meaningful Endurance:

a person’s ability to deal with discomfort knowing it may produce growth.

Meaningful endurance is about facing your issues and working towards resolution within relationships instead of avoiding challenges or giving up. When we have meaningful endurance we keep trying even though we are not sure we will find success and even if it doesn’t feel good.  This ability to tolerate pain for growth is key to attaining long-term goals.

Putting it together

All of these concepts are related and build on each other. As you master one skill and move on to the next, areas of weakness will emerge. Focus on the weak areas as a challenge to grow personally and observe the impact these practices have on the relationship.

When put into practice, these four concepts of personal growth create the possibility of a more satisfying relationship without focusing on your partner’s flaws or other things outside of your control.    For more information check the Crucible Therapy website or pick up a copy of Dr. David Schnarch’s book Intimacy & Desire.

Learning to grow as a person is always challenging. Finding a good therapist to walk with you in this journey can be very helpful.  If you are in the Houston area, Fuller Life Family Therapy has therapists dedicated to models of personal growth.

Stay tuned,

Taylor Knox, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LPC-S

Categories : Boundaries, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : boundaries, mental health, relationships, self-awareness, social skills

Person and Machine: A Guide to a More Balanced Life

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 September 11, 2014

Social Networking and Well-Being

We all know too much of a good thing can make us sick… whether it be too much chocolate, too much exposure to sunlight, or even too much time with social media.

Online social media has been around for a little over ten years and is the “go to” thing for connection. It is a great way to stay in touch, increase business visibility, connect with like-minded individuals, and stay informed about local events. But what do we know about the impact on our overall well-being and life-satisfaction? According to the research we are learning the more time spent on social media technologies, the more negative the impact it has in these areas:

  • Increased anxiety
  • Increases in depression and loneliness
  • Elevation in blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol levels
  • Decline in life satisfaction levels
  • Decline in subjective well-being
  • Decreased trust in people
  • Increased isolation from others
  • Associated with addiction and dependency

These findings can feel a little frightening. What can we do when everyone around us expects us to be “online” 24/7? How can we possibly slow down when everything in our society is going faster and faster? What can we do when our technologies seem to be in control? Awareness is key. When we are more aware of the potential dangers, we can create a new relationship with our technology that takes our well-being into consideration.

We Can Take Personal Action with Awareness and Balance

Increase Awareness

Now that we know some of the dangers of too much time with technology, we can respond to ourselves with more awareness. One way to increase awareness is to take notes about the time spent on the computer, phone, or tablet. Rate on a scale of 1-10 (1 = none, 10 = extreme) how you feel in some of the areas listed above; such as mood, anxiety level, feelings of loneliness, life-satisfaction, etc. Rate yourself at the beginning and at the end. Notice any differences.

This information can help us learn to tune-in to our bodies. We can listen to how we feel and respond to ourselves according to what we experience. If we notice we are becoming more anxious or moody, stop and engage in something else. If it is difficult to come up with something to do, Fuller Life has a number of “healing practices” that are enriching for both the body and spirit.

Create Balance with Technology

One of the challenges of social media is that it begins to crowd out other things that are important in our life. It can easily slip more and more into every crevice of our day. What if we could engage online in a way that creates balance between our technologies and our face-to-face experiences? We can set aside tech-free zones that protect our well-being and cultivate close relationships. MIT professor, Sherry Turkle, calls these times “sacred space.”

Sacred space is for me the places in your daily life you want to keep for yourself and the people who you need to give full attention to… It’s dinner, it’s sharing meals with your family, it’s that moment at school pickup when your kid looks up and is trying to meet your eye. Sherry Turkle

Here are some ideas to try out with your friends and your family.

Tech-Free SpacesDinner Time

  • Time in nature with a friend
  • Time around the dinner table
  • School pick-up and drop-off
  • Date night
  • Study time for exams
  • Tech free zones in the home
  • Bed-time

Every new practice takes time to feel natural. It takes at least 66 days to create a new habit. Experiment with one or two of the ideas up above, or create your own possibilities, and notice what happens.

It is essential to change our relationship with social media because it is here to stay. With awareness and balance, we can respond to our technologies in a way that puts us back in the driver’s seat, so that our health and wellness are no longer at the mercy of our machines.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Covid-19, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : boundaries, mental health, self-care practices, social media, social networking, stress management

Happily Ever After: Building Walls and Closing Cracks

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 January 28, 2014

Many of us want “happily ever after” relationships. How can we cultivate relationships that stand the test of time? Many marriage vows are based on commitment to the marriage that includes phrases such as “til death do us part,” and “in sickness and health.” Before marriage we often assume that we all know what “commitment” means. Oftentimes, however many people differ in their opinions about what it means to be “committed” in a relationship. Unless we talk openly about our assumptions, as well as the possible pitfalls that hinder a committed relationship, we can set ourselves up for disappointment.

First, it is important in any relationship to begin by building a healthy foundation that includes protective walls around the relationship. Actively work to build trust, emotional connection, and intimacy with one another. A healthy marriage does not come naturally. It takes investment. A number of resources are available like books, videos, retreats, classes, couple’s counseling, and marriage seminars that offer great tools to cultivate love and also increase awareness of behaviors that damage trust and intimacy.

Hole in brick wallSecond, talk openly about how to protect the walls around the relationship. What are some “red flags” that can alert each partner that the marriage is in need of attention? Talk about how to approach one another when feeling disconnected or taken for granted. If we receive emotional support from someone outside the marriage other than our spouse, cracks begin to form in our walls and weaken the relationship. If it is difficult to approach one another, seek professional help to work through challenges or obstacles together.

Third, talk openly about the potential of temptation outside the marriage. Just because we are committed does not mean that we will not find someone else attractive. This is perfectly normal. How can we protect our relationship when we find someone else attractive, or when someone makes advances on us? Shirley Glass, author of “Not Just Friends,” offers a brief list of suggestions to consider:

  • Know that attraction is normal. But just because you feel it doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Being attracted to someone else doesn’t mean you’ve chosen the wrong person. One of the measures of true commitment is that you don’t allow yourself to be pulled away from your priorities by distractions.
  • Don’t let yourself fantasize about what it would be like to be with that other person.
  • Don’t flirt.
  • Avoid risky situations. (Glass, 2004)

Above all, keep communication inside the walls of marriage. If outside support is needed, make it a rule to confide only in someone that puts the marriage first.

In her book, “Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity,” Shirley Glass has several quizes that offer warning signs that a partner may be on the slippery slope to an affair. The book also offers great insights on how to build healthy walls around the relationship and close cracks or openings that appear.

Quiz: Is Your On-line Friendship Too Friendly?

What are the warning signs that you (or your partner) are on the slippery slope to an on-line affair? Take this quiz and see:

  1. Do you find yourself coming to bed later at night because you are chatting on-line?
  2. Do you ever exit a screen because you do not want a family member to see what you are reading or writing to a chat room member?
  3. Have you ever lied to your spouse about your personal Internet activities?
  4. Would you feel uncomfortable sharing your Internet correspondence with your spouse?
  5. Have you ever set up a separate e-mail account or credit cared to carry on personal correspondence with an individual on-line?
  6. Has your Internet correspondence had a negative effect on your work or household tasks?
  7. Have you ever lied in response to a question from your spouse about your e-mail correspondence?
  8. Have you ever exchanged photos of yourself with a secret e-mail correspondent?
  9. Since beginning a secret e-mail correspondence, have you ever experienced a loss or an unusual increase in sexual desire with your spouse?
  10. Have you made arrangements to talk secretly on the phone with your e-mail correspondent?
  11. Have you made arrangements to meet with your secret e-mail correspondent?

Scoring Key:

Two or more yes answers to questions 1,2,3,4 indicate a potential Internet romance developing. It is time to either share your on-line correspondence with your mate or break off the correspondence and begin to examine how to improve your marriage.

A yes answer to any of questions 5,6,7 indicates you are crossing a boundary from an Internet friendship to an Internet romance. Acknowledge this relationship for what it is about to become and take action to preserve and enhance your marriage.

A yes to questions 8 or 9 indicates you have begun a fantasy romantic relationship with your on-line correspondent. Even if it never moves to a physical stage, this relationship has great potential to damage or destroy your marriage.

A yes to questions 10 or 11 indicates that you have taken positive action toward initiating an extramarital affair. Consider the impact this will have on the marriage and your children and take steps to sort this out with a professional. (Glass, 2004)

A “happily ever after” relationship goes through a number of ups and downs. It takes investment, a willingness to be open, and a good amount of courage. Healthy walls take work and need to be maintained throughout the years. Fuller Life Family Therapy offers an abundance of marriage resources, pre-marital counseling, and couple’s counseling in the hopes that we can be a part of cultivating healthy relationships.

Glass, S. (2004). Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Boundaries, Couples, Infidelity, Marriage, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : boundaries, couples, Infidelity, marriage, relationships

Five Simple Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 December 3, 2013

wreathWith the start of December comes an almost audible, collective tensing-up of family members world-wide. People everywhere are forming lists of tasks to be completed and items to be bought surrounded by the pressure of a competitive timeline.  In addition, we may carry an unwritten list in our hearts of things that worry and scare us.  We want the holiday season to be a time to focus on what matters most, yet it very quickly turns into a fast-paced game of survival. It is every man for himself! Most of us can relate to this feeling to some degree. If we merely survive the holiday season, we can be left with a sense of loss as it comes to a close.

What if we take a short break from what we brace ourselves for in order to entertain what we hope for this holiday season. Perhaps we hope for reconciliation with a loved one, reflection over a particularly trying year, time spent doing the things we enjoy most, or perhaps merely hope itself. If left unmanaged, the holidays can turn our lives into nothing more than a ‘quick succession of busy nothings,’ as Jane Austen writes. When we practice managing ourselves, we can actively create the rich, profound and blessing-soaked holiday we all hope for. My hope is that these simple steps can help each of us enjoy a holiday that vividly frames our lives with meaning and purpose.

JOY

Step One: Get in touch with your hopes.  Start imagining what might bring your heart true peace this season. If you struggle in this first step, make a list of the things you value. A list might include exercise, laughter, good food, sleep, and time with a loved one or in nature. Then simply reflect on what insight your list gives you. You may find what you long for is rest, or connection, or safety. The goal here is to identify important goals and spiritual gifts that we might long for, and practice cultivating and receiving it daily.

Step Two: Guard your time. Your time is precious. It may help to budget how much time we want to spend on each task. When you reach the time limit: Stop. When we devote time to things that nurture our heart and soul, we stay connected to our meaning and purpose.  Most importantly, set aside at least five minutes each day to sit in reflection or prayer. If this is a new practice for you, try to read up on ways to mindfulness and meditation.

Step Three: Free yourself! We can be the victor over the lists, the demands, the expectations and the increasing volume of the calendar.  While we do need to carry on with our tasks, we are never to be made prisoner to them.  If we can challenge our ideas of what needs to be done, ask for help whenever possible and practice self-compassion with our limitations – we can successfully free ourselves from feeling so trapped.  Remember: We are in charge, not our lists!

Step Four:  Lower your standards. In every possible moment during the holiday season, try to distinguish between the pressing and the essential.  For example, a slightly messy kitchen may be the price for thirty minutes playing with the children or grandchildren. Consider it well worth the cost. Or perhaps we can let go of trying to do it all for everyone else in order to free up time to nurture our own weary soul.  Each of us can likely stand to loosen our grip on perfection so as to receive what matters to us so much more. A meaningful holiday season is built on quality, not quantity.  Glance back at your list of values or desired spiritual gifts, and make it a point to receive them this month.

Step Five:  Entertain a fresh perspective. So much of our holiday season is contingent on the state of our family relationships.  We can sometimes be steered into unrest by irritating family patterns.  Perhaps this year’s holiday season is even dreaded, due to very painful family complications.  Begin to respond to yourself with self-compassion and self-acceptance right in this moment, no matter the state of your family ties. Then slowly practice letting go of learned patterns. When we bring a fresh perspective to the way we see our family roles, our relationships, and ourselves, we create space to lead more fulfilling lives.  Try new ways of relating to yourself and others, and let go of the expected. If the expected shows its face, show it a new side of you.  Above all, we can always come back to self-compassion as we all muddle through the messier moments of the holidays; it often has a funny way of trickling over to other hearts as well.

There is an art to having a truly meaningful holiday season, and my prayer is that we can all have fun in the mess of learning it!  May we each welcome this holiday season with confidence, focus and peace.

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Blended Families, Boundaries, Centering Prayer, Compassion, Counseling, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Relationships, Spirituality, Sticky, Stress Management, Time Management
Tags : adolescents, anxiety, blended families, boundaries, centering prayer, children, compassion, counseling, emotions, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, mindfulness practice, panic, spirituality, stress management, time management
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