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Archive for children

What’s the Weather Like Inside You? Mindfulness for Kids and Adults Alike

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 February 23, 2019
  · 1 Comment

At times our feelings can feel so jumbled and all over the place that it is hard to put words to all that is going on inside of us.  

In these uncomfortable times, it can be easy to adopt unhealthy means of dealing with our emotions such as trying to fight against them, getting swept up in them and overidentifying with them. Learning to understand and accept our interior world is an important skill to cope with the many waves of moods that will come our way throughout life.  

Understanding the inner world can be even more difficult for kids and teens who lack an adult vocabulary and understanding of emotion. However, there are many ways to help your children become aware of their internal states.  

One such example is called the “Personal Weather Report” (taken from Eline Snell’s book “Sitting Still Like a Frog”). This practice can be used for ages 4 and up. You can practice this alone, with one of your children who may be going through a particularly tough time, or together as a family.  

Sit down comfortably somewhere, close or half close your eyes, and take some time to determine how you are feeling right now. What is the weather like inside you? Do you feel relaxed and sunny inside? Or does it feel rainy or overcast? Is there a storm raging, perhaps? What do you notice? 

Without really thinking about it too much, summon the weather report that best describes your feelings at the moment. Once you know how you are doing right now, just let it be… just as it is…; there is no need to feel or do anything differently. You cannot change the weather outside either, can you? 

Stay close to this feeling for a while.  

Direct your friendly and curious attention to the clouds, the clear sky, or the storm that is brewing…this is how it is right now…; like the weather, you simply cannot change a mood. Later today the weather will be completely different again…, but right now this is how things are. And that is absolutely fine. Moods change. They blow over. There is no need to take any action. What a relief. 

For something to listen to, here is a link to a downloadable audio internal weather report guided meditation for children and teens aged 7 and up by Smiling Mind.  

For older teens and adults, you can add depth and layers of understanding to the internal world through the use of art – visualizing and creating landscapes and weather. Here are some steps adapted from the exercise “Landscapes of Emotion” by Cohen, Barnes and Rankin: 

  1. Gather two sheets of paper and your preferred utensils (colored pencis, paints, pastels, etc.) 
  2. Imagine what type of outdoor landscape might represent your current emotional state. Are there mountains, hills, valleys, lakes trees, rocks, etc.? 
  3. Next imagine the climate or weather conditions in your landscape that corresponds to your current emotional state. Is the weather cold, cool, warm, sunny, overcast, etc? 
  4. Now, draw your imagined landscape and climate on the first sheet of paper.  

After your drawing, reflect on the following questions… 

  1. How would a person feel if he or she were standing in the different areas of your landscape? 
  2. What would this person do in your landscape – seek shelter, relax, run away? 
  3. List the features in your landscape and try to match each one to one or more feelings.  

Now imagine changing the first landscape you created (i.e. new features, rearrangement, change in climate). Draw the changed landscape using the second set of papers.  

  1. Repeat the reflection question in step 5 with the new landscape.  
  2. What differences or similarities do you notice in the two landscapes? Would you prefer one over the other? 

This exercise can especially helpful for those who have experienced some form of trauma and are ready to move past the initial trauma coping mechanism of numbing or suppressing feelings to begin reconnecting with emotion. If you think this may apply to you, you may want to use and process this exercise in conjunction with professional therapy or counseling.  

We hope these tips help you ride the waves of emotion with mindful acceptance! 

References 

Snell, E. (2013). Sitting Still Like a Frog.  

Cohen, Barnes and Rankin. (1995). Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art.  

https://smilingmind.podbean.com/e/6-my-internal-weather-7-11-years/

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Tamara Tatum, Resident Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Counseling, Covid-19
Tags : children, mindfulness, teens

How to Connect with Your Child When You Swear He’s Lost it

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 August 18, 2016
  · 1 Comment

“‘Mom, you never leave me a note in the middle of the night and I hate homework!’ ‘What are you doing out of your bed? Go back to your room, and I don’t want to see you again until morning?'”

If any of this sounds familiar, you aren’t alone. This is an excerpt is from The Whole Brained Child  written by world renowned  neuropsychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegal and inspiring speaker and author Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. In this best-selling book Dr.Siegal says the goal is to simply survive through the screaming in the grocery store moments  but you can use these moments to connect and THRIVE. Dr. Siegel coaches parents to teach their children 12 self-regulatory techniques to use during a  high intensity meltdown. One of the techniques is fueled by  an understanding of a child’s left and right brain.

Left and Right Brain Integration

It is probably familiar knowledge that the brain consists of two hemispheres that function differently. The left brain is the literal and rational side. It values organization, lists, and problem-solving. The right brain is its opposite. It plays a part in emotional processing, facial recognition, tone, context, and alerts us to feeling sensations in our body. The integration of both hemispheres trains a child or teen to value their reasoning side and also their creative feeling side.

However, human brains do not fully develop until the mid-twenties so children are often dysregulated. Picture a teenager who says everything is fine but you hear sobbing at night or a 3 yr old screaming because his toy doesn’t fly like it does on the commercial. A parent who has tools to teach them to integrate earlier will help them learn to surf through big right brained waves of emotions and problem solve their way out of them in an understanding way

Here’s one way method to try:

Connect and Redirect

When Tina’s son was upset because he couldn’t climb on the walls like Spiderman, she explains that would not have been the best time to explain the laws of physics because he was acting out of his right brain and any left brain information like logic would be counterproductive. In children, especially young children, the emotions of the right brain often take over the logic of the left brain. Parents connect with the emotional side of their child by interacting right brain to right brain. After connecting, the parents appeal to the logical and reasoning side of the child by connecting left brain to left brain through problem solving.

What It Looks Like

Step 1: Connect with the feeling side of your child’s right brain. Attempting to connect with them from a logical perspective by asking questions and seeking explanation can prove ineffective. Recognize that the feelings are real and important to your child.  Connect through the use nonverbal signs such as eye contact, lowering yourself to the height of the child, physical touch and warm facial expressions. Alter your tone of voice to be nurturing and listen without judgment.

Step 2: Redirect with the logical, linguistic and literal left brain. Sometimes the emotional waves just need to crash until the storm passes. After it passes, you can address your child’s left brain. He may simply need to eat or get some sleep. All the rules about respect and behavior still apply in moments of high emotion and inappropriate behavior (as defined by your family) remains off-limits. It may be a good idea to discuss misbehavior and its consequences after  he has calmed down.

In the scenario described above, Dr. Siegal and Dr.Payne give an example of the mother’s response using connect and redirect:

“Mom you never leave me a note in the middle of the night and I hate homework!” “I get frustrated about things like that too. Want me to leave you a note, tonight? And I’ve got some ideas for homework, but it’s late now, so let’s talk more tomorrow.”

FullerLife is here to help you and your child face fewer crises and live more integrated lives.

 

Are you more Left-brained or Right-brained?  What about your child? Using these tools could bring insight into you and your child’s interactions.

Dr. Siegal explains, “Connect and Redirect”

 

For the other 11 Strategies from The Whole Brained Child, go to http://www.drdansiegel.com/books/the_whole_brain_child/

 

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

References

  • Melina, R. (2011, January 12). What’s the Difference Between the Right Brain and Left Brain? Retrieved July 18, 2016, from http://www.livescience.com/32935-whats-the-difference-between-the-right-brain-and-left-brain.html
  • McClellan, A. (2012, May 29). Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Ministry. Retrieved August 18, 2016, from http://tapestryministry.org/whole-brain-strategy-1-connect-and-redirect/
Categories : Adolescents & Children, Parenting
Tags : adolescents, behavior, children, connection, neurobiology, parenting, parenting strategy, temper tantrums

The Real Reason Why Children with ADHD Need Structure and Play

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 May 31, 2016
  · No Comments

 

“Your child has ADD? Follow a Routine!” How often have parents of children with ADD heard this message? One of the crucial steps in helping a child manage ADD is implementing structure that can be followed consistently. But how much is too much?  Schedules have proven to be effective but often at the cost of natural free play.  How can parents balance structure and play for their kids?

Why Is Structure Important?

Structure has many purposes for children– including helping a child’s brain develop. Karen Spangenberg, neuropsychologist and author, explains that adults lend their ability to regulate to their children when providing structure.  The prefrontal cortex or the part of the brain that is crucial to decision making, judgment, attention span and impulse control and other executive functioning processes, is underdeveloped in children. “External structures can assist a child’s brain to learn more efficiently, as if they possessed a more mature frontal system,” states Spangenberg. Structures like morning and bedroom routines and homework planners have been proven to be incredibly effective in the development of kids, especially those with attention disorders. It becomes even MORE effective when children are taught to hold themselves responsible for their routines.  In providing structure, adults are teaching their children to self-regulate.

Has Play Lost Its Significance?

Maybe.

Between school, after school activities and community activities, it is easy for free play to be limited or even eliminated from children outside of recess at school.  “Children are less free than they have ever been before,” states Peter Gray, Professor Emeritus of Psychology at Boston College and author of Free to Learn.   He attributes the increasing demands of early education and structured extracurricular activities as possible reasons for this change.

This is especially true of children with attention disorders.

Researchers have found that even during free-play periods, preschoolers with ADHD engage in less social, more solitary play than other children.  Dr. Jaak Panskepp, neuroscientist and psychologist at Washington State University, supposes it may be due to medication.  In some cases, psychomotor stimulants have been linked to the reduction of play urges.

Don’t go throwing out the Vyvanse and the Adderall though.

Panskepp does not doubt the role of temperament in diagnosis of ADHD and views stimulants as an effective way to reduce impulsive behaviors. He believes possibly even a preventative tool. “I think it is one of the most important things that children need to grow up well, perhaps even reduce the number of kids diagnosed with ADHD,” he says. Unstructured play is also important for brain development and crucial to learning socialization skills like negotiating, creating alliances, and testing boundaries of fairness.

Instead of Battle, Think Relationship

All children, especially those with attention disorders, need time for play.  This free-play time has a surprising effect on structure. Studies show children are more attentive after spending time in play. It actually helps to reinforce the structure. The Finnish Educational system capitalized on this relationship and these schools have skyrocketed to become some of the best in the Western World. Both structure and play activate parts of the brain promoting prosocial development and executive functioning skills. Parents and caregivers with an informed understanding of both are encouraging the development of the two areas children with ADD have a more difficult time with.

For more information about the Finnish School System or about incorporating structure and play into your child’s life, check the links below. FullerLife is here to help you bring balance to life’s battles.

 

How to Encourage Free Play

Reliable Routines for Children with ADHD

 

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

 

References

Alessandri, S. M. (1992). Attention, play, and social behavior in ADHD preschoolers. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology J Abnormal Child Psychology, 20(3), 289-302. doi:10.1007/bf00916693

Anderson, J. (2016, March 08). What’s causing ADHD to skyrocket in kids? Retrieved March 26, 2016, from http://qz.com/633688/whats-causing-adhd-to-skyrocket-in-kids/

Badt, K. (2013, July). Let Your Child Play: The Answer to ADHD and More, According to Scientists. Retrieved April 28, 2016, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/karin-badt/let-your-child-play-the-a_b_3623056.html

Gray, P. (2014, September 6). Playing with Children: Should You, and If So, How? Retrieved March 26, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/freedom-learn/201409/playing-children-should-you-and-if-so-how

Hubbard J., & Newcomb, A. (1991) Initial dyadic peer interaction of attention deficit-hyperactivity disorder and normal boys. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. 19, 179–195.

Panksepp, J., Siviy, S., & Normansell, L. (1984). The psychobiology of play: theoretical and methodological perspectives. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 8(4), 465-492.

Panksepp, J. (2007, May). Can PLAY Diminish ADHD and Facilitate the Construction of the Social Brain? Retrieved April 28, 2016, from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2242642/

Spangenberg Postal, K. (2011, April 11). How Structure Improves Your Child’s Brain. Retrieved April 28, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/think-better/201111/how-structure-improves-your-childs-brain

Categories : ADD-ADHD, Adolescents & Children, Mental Health, Parenting, Play Therapy, Sticky, The Human Brain
Tags : ADD/ADHD, Attention disorders, child development, children, leisure, mental health, parenting

Life Lessons from the Play Therapy Room

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 April 16, 2014

play therapyHow often do we, as adults, catch ourselves re-learning something we knew how to do quite naturally as children?  Part of the joy in observing a child’s play is seeing our human heart at work in a simplified way.  As children, we instinctively listen to our heart, follow our intuition, and believe in the magnificent.  Over time, many “grown-up’s” somehow forget the basic elements of happy, healthy, and whole-hearted living.  Today, there is a wide body of research that supports how the needs of children should be met differently than those of adults.  However, we must not forget the many ways adults are similar to children in our basic emotional needs.  Professionals of psychology are trained in how to facilitate healing with children, in a type of therapy known as “Play Therapy”.  Play Therapy uses basic principles to create a safe space for children to heal and grow simply through their expression of play and creativity.  Amazingly, when these simple principles are applied to the human person – regardless of age – we can enrich our relationships and reconnect to our early, in-born wisdom.  So let’s take a page from the play therapy room, shall we?

1.  Safety is important.

Healing cannot occur in Play Therapy without a feeling of safety.  If a child feels unsafe for any reason, that child will not be able to move forward effectively with any type of healing or growth.  This is because the child will be more focused on protecting himself.  How true is this of all people, though?  We are simply not at our best if we are concerned with our emotional or physical safety.  Crucial parts of our brain go offline when we are more focused on protecting ourselves, leaving us limited in our functioning.  So we can do ourselves a favor by considering if there are certain areas of our lives wherein we struggle with feeling safe!  If so, what is the cause, and how might we consider improving the situation?  One more thought on safety:  If someone in our life turns to us for help, rather than focus on how this will inconvenience us – we can recognize that “to this person, I am safe.”  For someone to turn to us for help or advice means that there is a foundation of trust in that relationship, and our response is very important.  By responding well, we can bless others with the growing ability to trust.

2.  Self-assertion is a necessary life skill.

In the play therapy room, children are taught how to voice their needs and wants.  Depending on the child, this skill can present varying levels of difficulty or ease!  With a child who has a tendency to assert (and perhaps demand) their needs, the therapist is taught how to respond by reflecting but not always granting the want.  The resulting lesson learned is that “It is possible for others to say no to me yet still care for me.”  For those children who fear voicing their needs, the therapist must be ready to respond positively for each effort of self-assertion.  This, in turn, builds self-efficacy and self-worth within children.  The parallel in this lesson is quite obvious: We need to be able to voice our feelings, our wants, and our needs.  For those of us who struggle to do so, we may tend to surround ourselves comfortably with people who anticipate our needs and even rescue us from the painstaking task of self-assertion.  But in the end, does that really help us?  And for those of us who err more on the side of demanding our needs be met, are we able to enjoy the peace and freedom that comes in lovingly being refused?  Either way, our voice always has value and deserves to be heard.

3.  Respect for other’s needs is a necessary life skill.

This particular lesson is closely related to safety.  In play therapy, the only real rules are that each person and toy must stay safe.  So, for example, if a therapist is facilitating a group-play-therapy session, children must learn that another’s need to feel safe is just as important as their own need to feel safe.  In psychology, the term for this is “boundaries”.  And as adults, we can attest to the fact that boundaries never stop being important!  Whether it is a physical boundary or an emotional one, each person is hard-wired with a slightly different set of needs regarding what feels comfortable.  And we can run up against boundaries at home, work, in the grocery store, and even on social media!  So as we grow, we can each discover our own boundary lines as well as boundaries of those we love.  The process of discovery here is one that is best approached with a kind and relaxed curiosity.

4.  Imagination and Creativity beget Healing and Growth.

Something that comes naturally to children is creativity, playfulness, and a vivid imagination.  However, these things fade in many of us as we grow.  The clinical relevance in our playfulness is astounding, as it reveals our needs, our hopes, our desires – and our hurts.  Nurturing our inner child, our playful spirit, and our unique imagination (however far-fetched) is ALWAYS important to our overall health.  So whether it is getting into finger-painting or scheduling five minutes daily for day-dreaming and play, we can benefit greatly from reengaging with our inner child.  After all, that inner child of ours knows exactly what we need for fuller living and happiness.

5.  The human being is supremely intelligent.journey

Many professionals of psychology believe that the human person is naturally on a path to healing, come what may.  What this means for us is that we are each on our own path towards health and happiness, just as a blade of grass knows to grow upward.  In play therapy, this may be one of the most crucial tenets to follow and believe in.  When a child enters the therapy room and guides her own session from start to finish, an absolutely gorgeous process of inner wisdom and self-healing is revealed.  The only job of the therapist is to be a source of safety, acceptance, and love.  Play Therapy is a remarkable process to witness that serves as a reminder of how we each have inborn tools to help us in our journey.  We cannot expect our own journey to be the same as our neighbors.  Therefore, rather than insist that others do things our way, we can merely be a source of love and encouragement to one another when our journey’s cross paths.  One more thing: it is a moment well-spent if we are able to take a minute each day to reflect on the beauty of our human condition.  Take a moment to reflect on your own inner beauty, profound wisdom, and delightfully imperfect humanity!

Joyful Note to the Reader:  April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, and we at Fuller Life Family Therapy want to remind our readers of the importance of taking care of our wee ones.  Take a look at the below video explaining the extensive benefits of Play Therapy, and how it works!

Play Therapy Works!

Learn the basic elements of Play Therapy and its healing effects on our children.

Lesley Anne Mendonça

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Play Therapy, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : child therapy, children, Play Therapy, self-assertion, self-care, self-compassion

Five Simple Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 December 3, 2013

wreathWith the start of December comes an almost audible, collective tensing-up of family members world-wide. People everywhere are forming lists of tasks to be completed and items to be bought surrounded by the pressure of a competitive timeline.  In addition, we may carry an unwritten list in our hearts of things that worry and scare us.  We want the holiday season to be a time to focus on what matters most, yet it very quickly turns into a fast-paced game of survival. It is every man for himself! Most of us can relate to this feeling to some degree. If we merely survive the holiday season, we can be left with a sense of loss as it comes to a close.

What if we take a short break from what we brace ourselves for in order to entertain what we hope for this holiday season. Perhaps we hope for reconciliation with a loved one, reflection over a particularly trying year, time spent doing the things we enjoy most, or perhaps merely hope itself. If left unmanaged, the holidays can turn our lives into nothing more than a ‘quick succession of busy nothings,’ as Jane Austen writes. When we practice managing ourselves, we can actively create the rich, profound and blessing-soaked holiday we all hope for. My hope is that these simple steps can help each of us enjoy a holiday that vividly frames our lives with meaning and purpose.

JOY

Step One: Get in touch with your hopes.  Start imagining what might bring your heart true peace this season. If you struggle in this first step, make a list of the things you value. A list might include exercise, laughter, good food, sleep, and time with a loved one or in nature. Then simply reflect on what insight your list gives you. You may find what you long for is rest, or connection, or safety. The goal here is to identify important goals and spiritual gifts that we might long for, and practice cultivating and receiving it daily.

Step Two: Guard your time. Your time is precious. It may help to budget how much time we want to spend on each task. When you reach the time limit: Stop. When we devote time to things that nurture our heart and soul, we stay connected to our meaning and purpose.  Most importantly, set aside at least five minutes each day to sit in reflection or prayer. If this is a new practice for you, try to read up on ways to mindfulness and meditation.

Step Three: Free yourself! We can be the victor over the lists, the demands, the expectations and the increasing volume of the calendar.  While we do need to carry on with our tasks, we are never to be made prisoner to them.  If we can challenge our ideas of what needs to be done, ask for help whenever possible and practice self-compassion with our limitations – we can successfully free ourselves from feeling so trapped.  Remember: We are in charge, not our lists!

Step Four:  Lower your standards. In every possible moment during the holiday season, try to distinguish between the pressing and the essential.  For example, a slightly messy kitchen may be the price for thirty minutes playing with the children or grandchildren. Consider it well worth the cost. Or perhaps we can let go of trying to do it all for everyone else in order to free up time to nurture our own weary soul.  Each of us can likely stand to loosen our grip on perfection so as to receive what matters to us so much more. A meaningful holiday season is built on quality, not quantity.  Glance back at your list of values or desired spiritual gifts, and make it a point to receive them this month.

Step Five:  Entertain a fresh perspective. So much of our holiday season is contingent on the state of our family relationships.  We can sometimes be steered into unrest by irritating family patterns.  Perhaps this year’s holiday season is even dreaded, due to very painful family complications.  Begin to respond to yourself with self-compassion and self-acceptance right in this moment, no matter the state of your family ties. Then slowly practice letting go of learned patterns. When we bring a fresh perspective to the way we see our family roles, our relationships, and ourselves, we create space to lead more fulfilling lives.  Try new ways of relating to yourself and others, and let go of the expected. If the expected shows its face, show it a new side of you.  Above all, we can always come back to self-compassion as we all muddle through the messier moments of the holidays; it often has a funny way of trickling over to other hearts as well.

There is an art to having a truly meaningful holiday season, and my prayer is that we can all have fun in the mess of learning it!  May we each welcome this holiday season with confidence, focus and peace.

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Blended Families, Boundaries, Centering Prayer, Compassion, Counseling, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Relationships, Spirituality, Sticky, Stress Management, Time Management
Tags : adolescents, anxiety, blended families, boundaries, centering prayer, children, compassion, counseling, emotions, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, mindfulness practice, panic, spirituality, stress management, time management
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