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Archive for conflict

Stopping the Defensiveness Dance in Your Relationship

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 July 31, 2018
  · No Comments

Are you stuck in a relationship where both of you are very defensive?  If so, you know moving closer is difficult because before you must maneuver around a series of walls.

How can you move forward? Many people have found success by learning to overcome the inevitable difficulties that come with the natural defensiveness that occurs in relationships.

What’s Happening in Real Time?

  • Ensure your focus has a here-and-now orientation. You can avoid the pitfalls of either of you drudging up the past by keeping to the present. Also, it is a good idea to commit to addressing criticisms when they occur, instead of out of context and as a weapon.
  • Healthy confrontation involves a degree of humility. Taking a superior position or a one-up position opens the door for attack and closes the door to fulfilling relationship. Nobel Prize winning philosopher, Martin Buber, refers to this positioning as an I-It relationship. In this form of  relationship, one person objectifies the other to serve the interest of the individual. In contrast, he discusses an I-Thou relationship in which both meet one another in their authentic existence with respect.
  • Make sure you demonstrate a genuine interest in the other. In each encounter, find ways to help the relationship win. Ask questions or offer feedback indicating you understand the other.  If you do not, you will perceive each confrontation as an attack, instead as an opportunity.

What’s Predictable?

  • It makes sense to know the “music” that you and your spouse “dance” to. Reflect on when the “tune” starts and what words, phrases,  looks, or topics seem to put you in lockstep.  Given your usual  pattern of conflict, you can prepare yourself by expecting a reaction  like blame, “legitimate” excuses, or a distortion/ exaggeration of your point. Take time to consider how helpful your former reactions have been and focus on the better ways you’ve responded in the past.  Then, choose to take a deep breath, refuse to fight back, and look to respond in a way that values both yourself and your relationship.

Remember,  you can only change yourself. It’s a lesson to be learned over and over.  As unsettling as this can be, a commitment to changing and accepting yourself offers liberation. While not always obvious, defensiveness needs a partner. Indeed, the very cycle of attack invites the other to defend with a counterattack. By changing the way you dance, however, you free yourself from these patterns. Defensiveness implies a need to be protected. The best protection you can give yourself and your spouse is knowing that you are strong and brave enough to respond rather than react.

References

Conley, R. (2014, June 29). Defensiveness Is Killing Your Relationships – How To Recognize It and What To Do About It. Retrieved from https://leadingwithtrust.com/2014/06/29/your-defensiveness-is-killing-your-relationships/

Gunther, R. (2017, May 17). En Guarde-How Defensiveness Can Destroy Love. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201705/en-guarde-how-defensiveness-can-destroy-love

Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships
Tags : anger, anger management, boundaries, Communication, conflict, couples, defensiveness, emotions, relationships

Baby Makes Three: Moving from Couple to Family

Posted by 1-Elisa Squier on
 July 17, 2018
  · No Comments

A new baby can be a time for great celebration, but it can also be a terrifying and stressful experience. The first night – and many afterwards – can create anxiety as the new parents try to figure out how to take care of this fragile new human. Unfortunately, this anxiety that comes with inexperience and uncertainty doesn’t stay contained in the role as a parent – it affects how people behave in their role as spouse. It’s no wonder that marital tensions skyrocket during the first three years of parenthood. The bad news is that there’s no way to keep stress from your marriage and from your new family. The good news is this doesn’t mean resentment and distance have to become the new normal.

Here are a few guidelines adapted from John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman’s book, And Baby Makes Three – an easy read about their years of research on first-time families. These will help you and your spouse – and the baby – stay connected and loving through the good – and the stressful – days ahead.

PRIORITIZE YOUR MARRIAGE

  • Remember that you have a partner, not just a baby

A huge source of tension comes from one partner feeling that he or she has been replaced by a newborn. It is important to continue to have joint time with the baby, as well as one-on-one time with your partner to keep the intimacy going.

  • Appreciate your partner

When you feel like there is so much to do, remember that you and your partner are a team. Both of you have responsibilities. Both of you participate in the never-ending list of chores. Be sure to tell your spouse what you appreciate about her. Tell him you love him. Let her know you see what she is doing and thank her for it.

  • Keep communication open about desires

Things are different now. What may have been pleasurable earlier in the relationship may no longer be pleasurable. Remember that the female body has just gone through a natural, but still traumatic, experience. Her body is initially keyed to the baby, whether breastfeeding or not. She may not be ready for sex. And when she is, she may not like the same things. Whether sexual or non-sexual attention, it is important for both to express their readiness and desires.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU FIGHT

  • Approach topics gently

Remember that both of you are tired and stressed with all the extra work and all the sleepless nights both of you have endured. Even though it will be one of the hardest times to do it, have patience with each other and present your needs or desires in noncritical ways.

  • Apologize when you mess up

Nobody is perfect all the time. Again, remember that both of you are under a lot of pressure. You’re going to say things you don’t mean. Or use a harsh tone. Or forget to do something. The important thing is that when you do let the stress get the better of you, just apologize. Making things right in the moment helps to keep the tension between the two of you from building.

  • Don’t argue in front of your baby

This is actually a crucial piece to keeping your baby healthy, especially in the early months.* It doesn’t mean that you can’t argue. In fact, it would be unrealistic and detrimental to the relationship to hold things back. However, babies pick up on the emotional atmosphere, and it is important for them to maintain a calm and happy environment. Pick a time and a place where you and your partner can go to discuss whatever may be bothering you, and then come back together with the baby once neither of you feels agitated anymore.

*This will begin to change once the baby gets to be a year or older and they have stronger cognitive abilities to understand arguments

Remember that this is a time of transition for both of you. No relationship is the same forever. There will be trial and error for both of you. But in the end, your family will thank you.

For other daily marriage tips, you can subscribe to the Gottman Marriage Minute newsletter here.

For more parenting tips, check out our other posts here.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M. & J. S. Gottman (2007). And baby makes three. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Contributed by Elisa Squier, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Couples, Marriage, Parenting, Parenting, Relationships
Tags : baby, conflict, couples, family, marriage, parenting
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Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute
  • Home
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    • Our Training
    • Donate
  • Info
    • Our Locations
    • New Client Forms
    • Therapy Fees
    • Information for New clients
    • Secure Inquiry Form
    • Initial Session Form
    • Telemental Health Consent Form
  • Services
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Manet Castañeda,Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
  • Resources
    • Houston Sliding-Scale Therapy Agencies
    • Mental Health Resources
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
    • Local Houston Resources
      • Helpful Books
      • Personal Bill of Rights
    • Healing Practices
      • Benefits of Self-Compassion
      • Self-Care Practices
      • Self-Compassion
  • Blog
    • Blog Grid
    • Resilient Relationships
    • Befriending Anxiety
    • Dancing Through Depression
    • Growing Kids and Teens
    • Healing Practices
    • Healing Trauma and Loss
    • Living Free from Addiction
    • Managing Anger and Stress
    • Sex Therapy
    • Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families
    • Mindful Eating
    • Practicing Faith
  • New Year New You Challenge
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