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Archive for emotional regulation

Anger

Covered in Red: How the Brain Uses Anger to Hide Pain

Posted by Shani Bell on
 November 7, 2017
  · 1 Comment

Thats it! You have had enough. Someone around you has done the very thing you hate. Almost immediately, you see red. Or maybe the anger  slowly brews and builds rage over a long period of time.

What is really happening underneath the anger? Some mental health professionals refer to anger as a secondary emotion. According to Dr. Harry Mills, anger is the emotion we are most aware we are experiencing. However, anger usually just hides the presence of deeper and less comfortable emotions like sadness, guilt, embarrassment, hurt, fear, etc.

The Anger Umbrella

If umbrellas are protective devices that we use to shield ourselves from exposure to the elements, then we can see anger in a similar way. Anger can seem like an exhibition of power, potentially making a threatening presence back away. It can be loud, volatile and tense. Clinical and forensic psychologist, Dr. Steven Diamond explains that this can be very useful in the face of a true threat. Suppose an attacker lunges at you and you have nowhere to go. Anger would propel you into defense mode much more than fear, possibly saving your life.

But what anger can also do is shield others and sometimes ourselves from seeing the pain, embarrassment or other more vulnerable emotions that exist underneath. If your friend or spouses actions have triggered hurt for you and you believe feeling hurt may show weakness, being mad is likely to step in to try to ensure that no one takes advantage.

Anger and the brain

Interestingly, the brain moves us very quickly from these primary emotions to anger. It can happen so fast that we hardly even notice the switch unless we are aware enough to do some reflective backtracking. Dr. Seltzer describes how the brain releases the hormone, norepinephrine, into the bloodstream to numb mental or physical pain during an mad response. Basically, the brain uses anger to hide pain.

The Truth Shall Make You Free

Why is it important to expose the truth behind your anger? Because dealing with the root issue is much more effective than simply managing the anger symptoms. Oftentimes, in sessions with clients, I find that anger dissolves once the actual emotions behind them are identified. I can visibly see anger give way to the revelation of sadness or embarrassment. Once the client is honest about his thoughts and feelings, he is better able to process and heal from the root issue. The next time you recognize yourself responding in anger, try working through the following steps:

  1. What thoughts are connected to the anger? Suppose you are angry with your partner about not spending time with you. You may be thinking, He doesnt want to spend time with me which may lead to the thought, He doesnt think Im worth spending time with.
  2. What other feelings come up? When you identify the thoughts connected with the anger, you can then work through the deeper emotions connected to the thoughts. Take a moment to sit with the thought. Maybe you can journal about it. For instance, if you say to yourself, My partner doesn’t think that Im worth spending time with. This may uncover feelings of sadness, hurt or low self-worth from beneath the irritation.
  3. What do I do with what I have? Now that the thoughts and emotions within the anger have been identified, it is time to work through them and decide how you can respond in a way you value. Having new information about how you are thinking and feeling might give rise to new issues that need to be addressed. In the example above, you realize your belief is your partner does not think you are worth spending time with and this is connected to feelings of hurt and low self-worth. This enables you to talk with your partner from a more self-aware position and potentially improves understanding. You could also talk to yourself about your beliefs. Take time to consider how you determine your self-worth and if it is healthy.

Living Life Uncovered

You might notice that developing a habit of hiding painful emotions leads to habitual rage. Such a lifestyle of anger destroys relationships and creates bitterness. Have the courage to allow yourself to own the truth of your experience. Otherwise, holding onto hostility can keep you stuck.

There is a time and a place for anger to be expressed in healthy ways. Stay tuned for the follow-up to this blog to find out what healthy anger looks like.

Additional Resources:

Using Anger Constructively – An Angry Bird Philosophy

Contributed by Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

 

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Categories : Anger Management, Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Self-Awareness, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : anger management, anxiety, Communication, emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, self-awareness, stress management

Hell Hath No Fury… Understanding Women’s Anger

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 March 29, 2017
  · No Comments

What comes to your mind when you think of an angry man? Powerful? Intimidating? Persuasive? How about an angry woman? Emotional? Hysterical? Bitchy? Anger is one of those emotions that be challenging to express. It also appears to have a large divide in gender socialization.

Arizona State University and the University of Chicago conducted a study to assess how people perceive anger in women versus anger in men. They had 210 undergraduate students participate in a computerized mock-jury simulation with a five other “jurors”. In the scenario, one of the jurors (either male or female), called the “holdout”, would disagree with the participant’s opinion while the other four would agree. When the male holdouts expressed anger in the online conversation, the research participant showed less confidence in his or her opinion. However, when the female holdouts expressed anger, the participant became significantly more confident in his or her opinion. This happened  even though the male and female holdouts made identical arguments.

According to Salerno and Peter-Hagene (2015), these findings suggest that expressing anger can lead men to gain influence over others, but lead women to lose influence. It is unclear why people perceive anger differently in men and women, but it is clear that there is a difference to the disadvantage of women.

Sandra Thomas, researcher at University of Tennessee-Knoxville, spent 15 years studying women’s anger among Caucasian and African American women in the U.S., as well as women in Turkey and France, and asked the following questions.

What Makes Women Angry?

Thomas (2010) found that most women’s anger was related to “interpersonal interactions in which others deny women power or resources, treat them unjustly or behave irresponsibly toward them”.

How is Anger Experienced for Women?

The women in Thomas’s study expressed that anger is a confusing mix of feelings, and deeply connected with hurt, sadness and disillusionment. The women wanted – they wanted the people they cared about to show the same care for them.

(How) Do Women Express Anger?

Thomas found  that only 9% of women reported that they would express anger to the person making them angry. Instead, the women would ruminate on their anger, leading to more resentment. It is not surprising, then, that few participants reported having female role models who expressed anger in healthy ways.

Salerno and Peter-Hagene’s study as well as Thomas’s 15 years of research suggest a need for both the broader society as well as women specifically to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of anger.

A New Way of Looking at Anger

Karla McLaren, author and researcher, says that, when we work with anger, it can be our ally and help us become more authentically ourselves. She writes that anger’s job is like an “honorable sentry” who helps set effective interpersonal boundaries and maintain a sense of justice for yourself and for others. According to McLaren, suppressing anger leads to poorly defined boundaries between yourself and others. On the other hand, unhealthy anger expression, such as “exploding”, can lead to damaging relationships with others. She recommends taking a middle path called “channeling”, which means slowing down to listen to your emotions and then “completing the actions your emotions require so that they can recede naturally and gracefully”.

When you notice anger rising after being insulted or receiving unfair treatment, the questions McLaren suggests to ask yourself are “what must be protected?” and “what must be restored?”

How you answer those questions will give you the information you need to act in a way that is empathic and authentic.

 

 

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

 

Resources

http://karlamclaren.com/a-new-option-for-working-with-your-emotions/

https://works.bepress.com/sandra_thomas/24/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/people-reward-angry-men-but-punish-angry-women-study-suggests_us_561fb57be4b050c6c4a47743

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201511/why-dont-we-trust-angry-women

http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/lhb0000147

http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar03/angeracross.aspx

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger.aspx

 

 

Categories : Anger Management, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Sticky
Tags : anger, emotional regulation, women, women's anger

The Five Habits of Assertive People

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 April 7, 2015
  · No Comments

Assertiveness is a term that is widely known, yet often misunderstood.  Many think it means to always get one’s way or to be the most powerful person in a room.  It is important to distinguish between assertiveness and aggression.

In relationships each person has needs, and often our needs can conflict with one another.  The question then becomes: How can we best assert our needs in those tense moments?

The best way to share needs is through direct communication.  Though the temptation may be to become aggressive, manipulative or passive-aggressive.  These less-healthy habits of communication may let off steam temporarily, however, they slowly deteriorate the quality of the relationship.  Aggression often involves emotional communication that can be demeaning, blaming and accusing.  Passive-aggression and manipulation both entail undertones of guilting and hurting others by reminding them of their inadequacies.

The Value of Self-Assertion

Assertive people practice communication that is clear, non-emotional and respectful of others.  There is no blame or accusation, but rather openness to both speak and listen.  Those who are assertive are able to clearly state their needs, yet respond calmly if their needs are not met.  Assertiveness also involves offering helpful counter-solutions and not giving up easily when there are bumps in the road.  So how can you start to practice healthy assertion?  By practicing these habits.

How to Build Assertiveness

  1. Practice self-confidence. Assertiveness often flows from a place of confidence in one’s own worth and needs. This is not to be confused with aggressiveness or disregard for others.
  2. Tolerate discomfort. Asserting needs can often be uncomfortable, as it can breed tension or conflict. Tolerating discomfort enables you to move into respectful compromise.
  3. Offer positive solutions. When needs conflict, morale can often begin to run short. Positive and collaborative solutions go a long way to keep relationships strong.
  4. Respect boundaries. No matter issue, each person has her own emotional boundaries. A healthy awareness of every person’s inherent “bill of rights” (link) can help navigate conflicting needs.
  5. Practice perseverance. Taking a time-out when negotiating can be a wonderful solution if tension runs high.  The key is to not give up prematurely!  Self-assertion takes courage, resolve and patience.

Are you curious about where you are on the assertiveness scale?  Richard Jaffe, certified professional coactive coach (CPCC) offers a simple assertiveness self-assessment.

Good luck in the journey!

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : Assertiveness, emotional regulation, self-assertion, social skills
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Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute
  • Home
    • Our Story
    • Our Core Values
    • Partner with Us
    • Our Training
    • Donate
  • Info
    • Our Locations
    • New Client Forms
    • Therapy Fees
    • Information for New clients
    • Secure Inquiry Form
    • Initial Session Form
    • Telemental Health Consent Form
  • Services
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Manet Castañeda,Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
  • Resources
    • Houston Sliding-Scale Therapy Agencies
    • Mental Health Resources
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
    • Local Houston Resources
      • Helpful Books
      • Personal Bill of Rights
    • Healing Practices
      • Benefits of Self-Compassion
      • Self-Care Practices
      • Self-Compassion
  • Blog
    • Blog Grid
    • Resilient Relationships
    • Befriending Anxiety
    • Dancing Through Depression
    • Growing Kids and Teens
    • Healing Practices
    • Healing Trauma and Loss
    • Living Free from Addiction
    • Managing Anger and Stress
    • Sex Therapy
    • Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families
    • Mindful Eating
    • Practicing Faith
  • New Year New You Challenge
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