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Archive for emotions

How Often do you Care for Yourself?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 January 31, 2019
  · 1 Comment

Self-Care Sunday

The phrase self-care is becoming more and more popular. It is a phrase we hear all over social media or in conversations with friend, and it has even become its own hashtag, ex: #selfcaresunday on Instagram.  However, sometimes it is used more as an excuse to self-indulge and less as a practice of *self-compassion. So, what does actual self-care look like?

From a therapeutic stand point, it looks like taking care of yourself in multiple ways. It can look like eating well, exercising, practicing mindfulness or even engaging in spiritual practices. It can involve making space to spend time with loved ones. In addition to taking care of your physical and emotional health, it is equally important to attend to the mental aspect of self-care.The mental aspect of self-care is an area of ourselves that we can often neglected if we are not being intentional. How often do you take time to sit with yourself to see where your mind is and what is going on? Do you find yourself constantly trying to keep busy or distracted so you don’t have to think? If this at all sounds familiar, then you may want to keep reading to find some ways you can take time to care about yourself on the inside. 

What does your self-talk sound like?

It is important to make note of how your self-talk impacts your self-care. Consider the following, how kind are you being to yourself as you go about your daily routine? How easy or challenging is it for you to say compassionate things to yourself when you make mistakes? In the wise words for Ru Paul, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Often times we do not want to take time to notice how damaging a lack of self-kindness can be to our mind. Consider the R.A.I.N. exercise which can be used as a way of exploring yourself and what you are feeling in a compassionate and non-judgmental way. Self-care is a choice that has to be made on a daily basis. In this life you will constantly face situations in which you will have to choose between being kind to yourself or negate yourself the opportunity to experience kindness in that moment. 

How do you take care of yourself through adversity?

Part of life includes dealing with the consequences of our choices. We also cannot avoid life’s random accidents which can  bring adversity. During these times, how do you deal with yourself and others? How do you respond? Do you engage in self-care or is that the first thing to go out of the window? In the Bible, the author of Colossians 3:12 invites the reader to consider clothing themselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, there is value in noting that the author is asking the audience to consider choosing to live in a compassionate way through all that life can bring.  

Life is all about how we chose to face it. So reader, I challenge you to choose to respond to yourself with  kindness and compassion on a daily basis, because you already know what the alternative is. If you find yourself at a place where you are already working on these issues, then I commend you for having the courage and strength to practice self-care. However, if you are at a place where you are uncertain about what steps to take, then perhaps consider visiting a counselor who can help you in your journey towards greater self-care.

* Self-Compassion: Recognizing your own pain, suffering or discomfort and then choosing to respond with kindness. 

Other resources to consider:

Self-Care for the Real World

The Practice of Resilience

Create & Grow Healthy

Manet Castaneda, Resident Therapist, Fuller Life LOOP and WEST

Manet Castaneda, LPC-InternResident Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller PhD, LPC-S, LMFT-S

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform. 

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Covid-19, Emotional Intelligence, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Self-Esteem
Tags : cognitive reframing, emotional intelligence, emotions, lifestyle, mental health, self care, self-awareness, self-care practices, self-esteem

Stopping the Defensiveness Dance in Your Relationship

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 July 31, 2018
  · No Comments

Are you stuck in a relationship where both of you are very defensive?  If so, you know moving closer is difficult because before you must maneuver around a series of walls.

How can you move forward? Many people have found success by learning to overcome the inevitable difficulties that come with the natural defensiveness that occurs in relationships.

What’s Happening in Real Time?

  • Ensure your focus has a here-and-now orientation. You can avoid the pitfalls of either of you drudging up the past by keeping to the present. Also, it is a good idea to commit to addressing criticisms when they occur, instead of out of context and as a weapon.
  • Healthy confrontation involves a degree of humility. Taking a superior position or a one-up position opens the door for attack and closes the door to fulfilling relationship. Nobel Prize winning philosopher, Martin Buber, refers to this positioning as an I-It relationship. In this form of  relationship, one person objectifies the other to serve the interest of the individual. In contrast, he discusses an I-Thou relationship in which both meet one another in their authentic existence with respect.
  • Make sure you demonstrate a genuine interest in the other. In each encounter, find ways to help the relationship win. Ask questions or offer feedback indicating you understand the other.  If you do not, you will perceive each confrontation as an attack, instead as an opportunity.

What’s Predictable?

  • It makes sense to know the “music” that you and your spouse “dance” to. Reflect on when the “tune” starts and what words, phrases,  looks, or topics seem to put you in lockstep.  Given your usual  pattern of conflict, you can prepare yourself by expecting a reaction  like blame, “legitimate” excuses, or a distortion/ exaggeration of your point. Take time to consider how helpful your former reactions have been and focus on the better ways you’ve responded in the past.  Then, choose to take a deep breath, refuse to fight back, and look to respond in a way that values both yourself and your relationship.

Remember,  you can only change yourself. It’s a lesson to be learned over and over.  As unsettling as this can be, a commitment to changing and accepting yourself offers liberation. While not always obvious, defensiveness needs a partner. Indeed, the very cycle of attack invites the other to defend with a counterattack. By changing the way you dance, however, you free yourself from these patterns. Defensiveness implies a need to be protected. The best protection you can give yourself and your spouse is knowing that you are strong and brave enough to respond rather than react.

References

Conley, R. (2014, June 29). Defensiveness Is Killing Your Relationships – How To Recognize It and What To Do About It. Retrieved from https://leadingwithtrust.com/2014/06/29/your-defensiveness-is-killing-your-relationships/

Gunther, R. (2017, May 17). En Guarde-How Defensiveness Can Destroy Love. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201705/en-guarde-how-defensiveness-can-destroy-love

Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships
Tags : anger, anger management, boundaries, Communication, conflict, couples, defensiveness, emotions, relationships

How to Feel Your Way to A Healthier Body

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 February 15, 2016
  · No Comments

Feel Your Way to a Healthier Body 

How do our emotions affect our bodies? Do the ways in which we deal with those emotions matter? Some researchers say our emotions can either be beneficial or detrimental to our overall wellbeing.

Conventional medicine has taught us that illnesses are usually the result of our bodies aging, the environment around us, or our unhealthy life choices. If you find yourself losing your hearing it is most likely related to getting older. If you have an upset stomach then a virus or something you ate is probably the culprit. However, what conventional medicine rarely tells us is that tending to our emotions can have a positive impact on our health and improve our overall life satisfaction.

Is it possible to feel your way to a healthier life? According to several studies, by taking care of your emotions in healthy ways, you can improve your health and wellbeing. A few of the ways in which you can care for your emotional wellbeing are by, practicing gratitude, engaging in laughter, and expressing your emotions in healthy ways.

Practice Gratitude

Dr. Amit Sood, a professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic, noticed that the patients who practiced gratitude, despite their illness, were able to recover at a faster rate than those patients who did not practice gratitude. Interestingly, Dr. Rollin McCraty of the Institute of Heart Math, found that feelings of gratitude could produce oxytocin in our brains, which can then reduce stress and help our nervous system relaxed.  When our nervous system is relaxed, it allows the increase of oxygen to travel to the tissues of our body, which can enhance the healing process. For more tips on how to practice gratitude, consider watching Dr. Amit Sood’s video on the Five Depths of Gratitude.

Laugh a Little 

Researchers at the University of Maryland Medical Center found that when people engaged in laughter it could reduce their risk of a heart attack due to the reduction in stress levels. Additionally, Dr. Lee Ber of Loma Linda University found that laughing could produce human growth hormones that can aid in cellular repair. So, if you find yourself feeling sad, ill, or simply wishing to improve your overall well being, try watching a funny movie, or reading a few jokes in order to help your body heal. If you are having trouble finding something to laugh about, take a look at this Ted Talk by Ida Abdalkhani on how to become happier in five minutes.

Express Yourself 

When emotions are bottled up with no way to express them, they can be dangerous to your health. Researchers at Michigan found that when emotions are suppressed, the risk for a heart attack increases significantly. In a different study, researchers found that repressing emotions, particularly anger can be linked to cancer, and that the survival rate of breast cancer survivors who expressed their anger in healthy ways doubled compared to those who held on to their anger.  That being said, it is important to learn to express your emotions in healthy ways, in order to improve your health. Some of the ways that can be done is through journaling, drawing, painting, yoga, or talking to a professional. For more ideas on how to express your emotions in a healthy way, take a look at this post by Dr. Shelly Carson.

Feel Better Inside and Out

We are designed to feel a range of emotions, both positive and negative. How we choose to deal with emotions can improve our well being or cripple it. As you go about your daily life, find time to notice your emotions and create moments in which you can address them in healthy ways: by being grateful, laughing, or expressing them in creative ways. Once you begin to do this, you will notice a shift, not only in your emotional health, but also in your physical health.

References

Abdalkhani, I. (2015, March 15). Happier in 5 Minutes | Ida Abdalkhani | TEDxOhioStateUniversity. Retrieved February 12, 2016, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HJG63EXCmw

Anastasia Stephens, A. (2011, August 24). The link between emotions and health. Retrieved February 11, 2016, from https://www.psychologies.co.uk/self/the-link-between-emotions-and-health.html

Beck, J. (2015, November 18). How to Get Better at Expressing Emotions. Retrieved February 11, 2016, from http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/11/how-to-get-better-at-expressing-emotions/416493/

Carson, S. (2012, February 21). Use Creativity to Combat Negative Emotions. Retrieved February 12, 2016, from http://www.shelleycarson.com/blog/use-creativity-to-combat-negative-emotions

Sood, A. (2015, October 24). Five Depths of Gratitude. Retrieved February 11, 2016, from https://youtu.be/bwPtJ6yjl8E

The Link Between Cancer and Unexpressed Anger. (2006). Retrieved February 12, 2016, from http://www.alternative-cancer-care.com/cancer-anger-link.html

 

Categories : Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Gratitude, Mental Health
Tags : emotions, expression, gratitude, happiness, healthy living, laughter, wellness

Managing Disappointment

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 October 27, 2015
  · No Comments

When was the last time you anticipated life would go one way but instead it took an unexpected turn? In a moment, feelings of frustration, hurt, disappointment and anger can set in. Experiencing disappointment is a part of life but knowing how to handle it can be confusing.Here are some tips to get back in the saddle again.

Express Those Emotions

  • Give yourself space to feel all the emotions accompanying the unmet expectation. Are you angry? Sad? Frustrated? It is normal and feeling them helps free you to make a sound decision. Emotions can easily cloud good judgment and make small situations seem larger than they are. By allowing yourself to feel the spectrum of emotion, you give yourself the freedom to see the situation more clearly—to gain perspective.
  • Expressing emotion is also healthy. After a disappointment, there is a greater risk of physical or emotional difficulties or a combination of the two, partly because of mishandling emotions. It can be tempting to hold these feelings inside or project them onto others. Psychologist Dr. Michael Ashroth, explains that over time, being disappointed can even lead to chronic stress problems internally and with those around you. Do yourself a favor and let it out. Try journaling! Is your energy regained through people? Talking it over with someone you know who listens well is a great way to let go.

Don’t Dwell

  • Disappointment may require a bit of grieving time to handle the loss of unmet expectations but don’t stay there! Wallowing keeps you stuck and prevents you from taking steps toward success.  Not sure if you’re dwelling?  Notice how much time and energy you spend thinking about the situation or talking about it. Choosing to think through the situation over and over with little action can increase your anxiety. Instead, go out and do something constructive or fun. It will reenergize your mind to take action! Dwelling will keep you from accomplishing your goals moving forward.

Embrace It

  • Remember, in every situation you get to choose how to respond. Start by accepting the situation as it is. You do not have control over another person and you may not have control over some situations but you do have choices.  Make the choice to evaluate what you wanted from yourself, the situation and others. Try to see it as an opportunity for a new possibility. If this sort of disappointment has happened repeatedly, accept it and consider what could be changed to yield a different result. Seek other avenues to achieve your goals. It may be time to step out of your comfort zone and take a risk!

Disappointment is a normal part of life that everyone experiences. However, it does not have to have a negative effect. Use it as a stepping stone to achieve all you hope for!

  • References
    Ashroth, M. (2013). Dealing with disappointment. PsychCentral. http://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing-with-disappointment/
  • Lybi, M. (2004). Down but not out. PsychologyToday. https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200403/down-not-out

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : acceptance, disappointment, emotions, mental health, self-awareness, self-care, Self-Care Practice, stress, stress management

Five Simple Steps to a Meaningful Holiday Season

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 December 3, 2013

wreathWith the start of December comes an almost audible, collective tensing-up of family members world-wide. People everywhere are forming lists of tasks to be completed and items to be bought surrounded by the pressure of a competitive timeline.  In addition, we may carry an unwritten list in our hearts of things that worry and scare us.  We want the holiday season to be a time to focus on what matters most, yet it very quickly turns into a fast-paced game of survival. It is every man for himself! Most of us can relate to this feeling to some degree. If we merely survive the holiday season, we can be left with a sense of loss as it comes to a close.

What if we take a short break from what we brace ourselves for in order to entertain what we hope for this holiday season. Perhaps we hope for reconciliation with a loved one, reflection over a particularly trying year, time spent doing the things we enjoy most, or perhaps merely hope itself. If left unmanaged, the holidays can turn our lives into nothing more than a ‘quick succession of busy nothings,’ as Jane Austen writes. When we practice managing ourselves, we can actively create the rich, profound and blessing-soaked holiday we all hope for. My hope is that these simple steps can help each of us enjoy a holiday that vividly frames our lives with meaning and purpose.

JOY

Step One: Get in touch with your hopes.  Start imagining what might bring your heart true peace this season. If you struggle in this first step, make a list of the things you value. A list might include exercise, laughter, good food, sleep, and time with a loved one or in nature. Then simply reflect on what insight your list gives you. You may find what you long for is rest, or connection, or safety. The goal here is to identify important goals and spiritual gifts that we might long for, and practice cultivating and receiving it daily.

Step Two: Guard your time. Your time is precious. It may help to budget how much time we want to spend on each task. When you reach the time limit: Stop. When we devote time to things that nurture our heart and soul, we stay connected to our meaning and purpose.  Most importantly, set aside at least five minutes each day to sit in reflection or prayer. If this is a new practice for you, try to read up on ways to mindfulness and meditation.

Step Three: Free yourself! We can be the victor over the lists, the demands, the expectations and the increasing volume of the calendar.  While we do need to carry on with our tasks, we are never to be made prisoner to them.  If we can challenge our ideas of what needs to be done, ask for help whenever possible and practice self-compassion with our limitations – we can successfully free ourselves from feeling so trapped.  Remember: We are in charge, not our lists!

Step Four:  Lower your standards. In every possible moment during the holiday season, try to distinguish between the pressing and the essential.  For example, a slightly messy kitchen may be the price for thirty minutes playing with the children or grandchildren. Consider it well worth the cost. Or perhaps we can let go of trying to do it all for everyone else in order to free up time to nurture our own weary soul.  Each of us can likely stand to loosen our grip on perfection so as to receive what matters to us so much more. A meaningful holiday season is built on quality, not quantity.  Glance back at your list of values or desired spiritual gifts, and make it a point to receive them this month.

Step Five:  Entertain a fresh perspective. So much of our holiday season is contingent on the state of our family relationships.  We can sometimes be steered into unrest by irritating family patterns.  Perhaps this year’s holiday season is even dreaded, due to very painful family complications.  Begin to respond to yourself with self-compassion and self-acceptance right in this moment, no matter the state of your family ties. Then slowly practice letting go of learned patterns. When we bring a fresh perspective to the way we see our family roles, our relationships, and ourselves, we create space to lead more fulfilling lives.  Try new ways of relating to yourself and others, and let go of the expected. If the expected shows its face, show it a new side of you.  Above all, we can always come back to self-compassion as we all muddle through the messier moments of the holidays; it often has a funny way of trickling over to other hearts as well.

There is an art to having a truly meaningful holiday season, and my prayer is that we can all have fun in the mess of learning it!  May we each welcome this holiday season with confidence, focus and peace.

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Blended Families, Boundaries, Centering Prayer, Compassion, Counseling, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Relationships, Spirituality, Sticky, Stress Management, Time Management
Tags : adolescents, anxiety, blended families, boundaries, centering prayer, children, compassion, counseling, emotions, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, mindfulness practice, panic, spirituality, stress management, time management

Healing Practice: Laughter Really is Serious Medicine

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 July 30, 2013
  · 2 Comments

Woman LaughingThis is our fifth post in a series where we explore daily practices that nurture and encourage healing. Our last post discussed the benefits of nurturing sleep. This post explores the many ways that laughter improves our mental well being, social relationships, and physical health.

Consider how exercise routines promote physical health. What if adding workout reps of laughter could improve our health just as effectively? Before reading this article, take 30 seconds to begin the first laughter workout for the day:

It's Not The Miles, But How You Live Them

Volkswagon Smiles Commercial

Improves Relationships

Laughter is a universal language that brings people together. Shared laughter breaks down barriers, builds trust, and creates connection. Laughter has the power to de-escalate conflict and bring about creative and flexible solutions to challenges. When we laugh, Father:Son Laughingdopamine is released and opens up pathways in the brain that help us discover novel solutions. According to Ellen Weber and Jeane Segal, “humor and playful communication strengthen our relationships by triggering positive feelings and fostering emotional connection. When we laugh with one another, a positive bond is created. This bond acts as a strong buffer against stress, disagreements, and disappointment.” Just think of all of the ways humor can improve communication in marriage relationships, strengthen parent-child relationships, and deepen friendships.

Social Benefits of Laughter

  • Builds relationships
  • Creates intimacy
  • Enhances teamwork (forms powerful group bonds)
  • Defuses Conflict

Laughter Promotes Learning

Girl LaughingRemember the old adage, “This is no laughing matter?” It turns out that the more serious an issue is, the more important it is to cultivate laughter. According to Ellen Weber, lectures work against the human brain and our ability to learn. We retain only 5% of the content. When information is paired with humor, our brain pathways light up, and we are able to connect with material in novel ways. We retain and assimilate the material with more ease.

Improves Physical  and Mental Health

Laughter is powerful medicine when it comes to the body. When we laugh, endorphins are released in the brain. Endorpins are the “feel good” chemicals that flood our bodies with a sense of well-being. Endorphins also temporalily decrease pain. Laughter reduces stress as it relieves physical tension and relaxes muscles in the body. Laughter increases our ability to fight disease as it decreases stress hormones and increases our immune system.

Phyical Benefits

  • Prevents heart disease
  • Lowers stress hormones
  • Decreases pain
  • Boosts immune system
  • Relaxes muscles

Mental Health Benefits

  • Adds joy and zest to life
  • Eases anxiety and fear
  • Relieves stress
  • Improves Mood
  • Enhances Resilience
  • Eases loss, grief, and trauma

Here is one more 40 second laughter workout to light up your day:

Best Ever Laughing Baby

Look for ways to add more laughter into each day. Seek out ways to cultivate laughter in relationships. Remember laughing is some of the best medicine when it comes to physical health, intimate bonds, and mental well-being. Laughter really is a serious matter.

Pallab Ghosh: Study Reveals Laughter Really is the Best Medicine

Linda Graham: Laughter

Melinda Smith and Jeanne Segal: Laughter is the Best Medicine

Ellen Weber: A Brain on Laughter

Ellen Weber: Target Multiple Intelligences – Run from Lectures

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Communication, Counseling, Couples, Covid-19, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Play Therapy, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : anxiety, Communication, couples, emotional intelligence, emotions, emotions and relationships, Marital Satisfaction, marriage, mental health, parenting, self-care, stress management

Befriending Anxiety

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 May 30, 2013
  · 1 Comment

The world would be quite a dangerous place without pain. It may seem odd but imagine the potential damage if a person did not have an instinctive, natural response when something was causing them harm. When someone accidentally places a hand on a hot stove their brain receives a near instantaneous response that this is causing them harm. They automatically jerk their hand away and prevent a more harmful burn. While pain is something we naturally want to avoid, it is a good and necessary part of life. We are wise to listen to what it communicates to us.

This is the same approach that Susan Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer apply to anxiety and our Anxiety Brainemotional experiences in their excellent book The Mindful Way Through Anxiety. Unwanted emotion like anxiety is the mind’s way of communicating that something in one’s life is out of sorts. It is an alarm that something needs to be corrected. Unlike with physical pain, however, people do not come equipped with an automatic response to correct the problem. Sometimes it isn’t even clear what the source of the pain is. Just as it is harmful to attempt to ignore the communication of pain from a hand on a stove, Orsillo and Roemer suggest it is likewise harmful not to attend to our emotions. Yet, in an effort to remove the emotional discomfort, people often devise various ways of distracting and ignoring.

What if instead, one was to turn attention toward painful emotion? Orsillo and Roemer advocate developing “an accepting and mindful stance toward emotions and be[ing] willing to experience the full range of emotions that arise when you fully participate in life.” This perspective opposes the two common beliefs that humans are able to eliminate negative emotions from their lives and that doing so will lead to a happier, fuller life. Rather, “humans are hard-wired to feel anxious when in a threatening situation. No amount of self-control and determination can override that natural response.” The struggle to escape by controlling anxiety tends to, like a person caught in quicksand, only suck one down further into its grip. Mindfulness is one way of cultivating a friendly, curious, and compassionate response toward anxiety and other emotional experiences allowing them to serve their natural purpose.

http://mindfulwaythroughanxietybook.comTo find out more about this book, check out their website mindfulwaythroughanxietybook.com or the book’s Amazon page.

For more from Fuller Life Family Therapy on dealing with anxiety try “Create Balance: Living Well in the Midst of Anxiety” or “Creating Happiness.”

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : anxiety, compassion, emotional intelligence, emotions, self-care, stress management

Do all healthy couples fight?

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 May 16, 2013
  · No Comments

There is an old saying that all healthy couples fight. While it is true that all healthy couples dvactively encounter and work through conflict, it is not necessarily true that all healthy couples must or need to “fight.” Fighting normally entails a struggle for one to overpower and subdue the other. Is there a third way of resolving conflict than fighting or just giving in?

The classic back-and-forth argument is self-defeating. Imagine a couple as two fighters in opposite corners in a boxing ring. Each tries to win by out-arguing the other. Each point scored by one partner spurs the other on to retaliate in kind. Yet even when this struggle is successful at resolving the issue, the relationship often comes out bruised and wounded. Is there a way to enhance the strength of the relationship through conflict?

What if instead of boxers a couple was pictured as two people working on a puzzle together?

Couple with jigsaw puzzle

Side by side they work on a problem. While the boxers emphasize the talking part of communicating, the puzzlers place the emphasis on listening. While one person shares their thoughts and feelings the other tries to gather a deep understanding of the speaker. They ask questions to help their understanding. They share what they think they are hearing while being open to the possibility that they misunderstood and are open to correction. When one person intentionally takes such a stance it makes it much easier for the other to respond in kind.

Prominent relationship researcher John Gottman has found three types of couples communication styles  (validators, volatiles, and avoiders) can all be stable relationships.  However, regardless of the style, certain tactics such as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are destructive. Namely, these are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

An alternative positive tactic, listening, doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing – although it can lead to that. Engaging in a process of listening not only opens doors to solution but, more importantly communicates that the conversation partner is valuable. The key to success in this new venture is managing emotion. Avoiding the Four Horsemen and emphasizing listening, validating, openness, and compassion are important components to constructively working through conflict.

For more by John Gottman look into his popular books “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last” and “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” 

From the Fuller Life blog:

“Five Reasons Why Your Loved One Won’t Communicate and What They Might Be Feeling”

“Anger and Relationships”

“What I Made Up in my Mind”

 

 

Categories : Communication, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, anger management, Communication, compassion, couples, Couples exercises, Curiosity, emotions, emotions and relationships, relationships

Healing Practices: The Importance of Play

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 April 23, 2013

This is our second post in a series where we explore daily practices that nurture and encourage healing. Our last post discussed the “Healing Power of Beautiful Spaces.”

Daily habits can contribute to increased levels of happiness and contentment. Several practices have been proven to decrease levels of anxiety and depression. Moreover, we can increase the functionality of our immune systems, and our feelings of well being. Just as we pick up our toothbrush every day, we can begin to create new habits that influence the way we feel.

Jet skisThe Importance of Play

Life is far too serious a matter to take too seriously. Jon Kabat-Zinn

What happens to play when we are adults? We watch as our children run, jump, explore, and pretend. They get lost in their imaginations and lose sight of their inhibitions. Then, somewhere along the years, we receive the message that we need to start acting our age. Unfortunately, when we stop making time for play, we become more stressed, and our feelings of happiness and well-being diminish.

 

Enhances Well-Being

The opposite of play is not work… it is depression. Stuart Brown

Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, explores ten research driven “guideposts” Women Knittingwe can cultivate to live more fully. “Cultivating Play and Rest” is the seventh guidepost. In her blog, Brown describes her journey in learning to incorporate the practice of play into her own life:

In our culture our TO-DO lists are so extensive that we feel like slackers if we are not working to check off tasks every single minute of the day and night. Even sleep has started to feel self-indulgent. Stuart Brown identifies losing track of time as an important property of play. Understanding this property of play has taught me a lot about myself. For me, nesting is play. Piddling around my house is play. Editing photos is play…

Play is essential to creating balance in our modern life. Sometimes we treat ourselves like machines, as we work longer and harder hours to meet 62604_10200330807986283_991488260_nthe demands of an ever-increasing workload and responsibilities. The demands continue to pile on, in spite of our efforts, until we feel overwhelmed and burned-out. This endless treadmill of tasks and demands can affect health and relationships as it can lead to depression, anxiety, or anger.

When we allow ourselves time for rest and play, we begin to feel human again.  “Because work is where we spend much of our time, it is especially important for us to play during work. Without some recreation, our work suffers. Success at work does not depend on the amount of time you work. It depends upon the quality of your work. And the quality of your work is highly dependent on your well-being.” (Gina Kemp, M.A., Melinda Smith, M.A., Bernie DeKoven, and Jeanne Segal, 2012)

What is Play?

In his book, Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, HikingStuart Brown lists seven properties of play:

  • Play is voluntary
  • It makes you feel good
  • It is fun without a purpose
  • We lose track of time
  • In the midst of play we forget to be self-conscious
  • The process of play encourages improvisation. It is not rigid.
  • Play creates a desire to continue (We get hooked because it feels good!)

Mind-Body Connection

Bicycling

What happens when we actively schedule time for play into our daily lives? Our brain lights up!

  • Play improves cognitive abilities such as problem solving skills and memory.
  • Play improves relationships with others as it increases flexibility, fosters creativity, improves social skills, and reduces stress.
  • Play spices up our loves life as it fosters, joy, bonding, trust, and intimacy.
  • Play releases endorphins (the “feel good” hormone) into the body.

Make Time for Play

Play is an essential element of mental health. The next time someone says, “You should act your age,” remember the tremendous benefits of play for the mind, body, and relationships. Take some time this week to run out and explore, pretend, laugh, and play a pointless game with a friend. Make time to play.

Stuart Brown: Play is More than Fun

Stuart Brown: Plenty of play in childhood makes for happy, smart adults -- and keeping it up can make us smarter at any age.

More Resources on Play

  • Playful Activities for Couples
  • Pointless Games for Families and Groups
  • Great article and resources: Play, Creativity, and Lifelong Learning: Why Play Matters for Both Kids and Adults.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Couples, Covid-19, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky, Stress Management, The Human Brain
Tags : couples, emotional intelligence, emotions, marriage, mental health, parenting, relationships, self-care practices, social skills, stress management
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