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Archive for grief

When African Americans Grieve

Posted by 1-Stephanie Jordan on
 October 19, 2020
  · No Comments

This summer, the nation and the world grieved the loss of George Floyd and other victims of police violence. The sting of racial injustice combined with police brutality continues to cause outrage and incalculable grief among African Americans; a “conscious nightmare” if you are black in America. Grief as a function of ethnicity is not widely researched within the bereavement scientific community; particularly grief experiences of African Americans. However, the grief process for African Americans differs from Eurocentric culture and has distinct factors and features which contribute to their grieving process.

Distinct Factors That Contribute to the African American Grieving Process

There are many factors that contribute to a distinct grief process for African Americans. These include losses to homicides, a diminished lifespan, a history of sociological disadvantages, poverty, racism, oppression, police brutality, civil injustices, incarceration, and drug and alcohol abuse.

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) data shows the homicide rate among African Americans is eight times higher than that of Caucasians. Thus, African Americans are likely to experience premature loss of a loved one to homicide. They live approximately six to seven years fewer than Caucasians. Moreover, socioeconomic disadvantages persist across multiple generations of African American families. These life-long, and lingering stressors contribute to how African Americans experience grief and is commonly referred to among mental health professionals as complicated or prolonged grief experiences.

Distinctive Features of African American Grief

Researchers found there are inherent strengths and distinct features that show how grief differs in the African American culture in contrast to the Eurocentric culture. Continuing bonds, changes in self-identity, kinship bonds, professional and social support, and religious coping are a few of these features.

  1. Continuing Bonds:  African Americans are likely to maintain ongoing spiritual connections with deceased loved ones, mark birth and death occasions, connect to loved ones through dreams or sense their loved one’s presence or have conversations with them, and make frequent visits to the cemetery.
  2. Change in Self-Identity:  Likewise, in this close-knit culture, there is an interconnectedness within “the village” that affects one’s sense of self in the African American community more so than in other groups.
  3. Kinship:  A loss to an extended family member or close friend, in the African American community, is just as significant  as a loss in one’s nuclear family. It profoundly affects “the village” regardless of formal kinship.
  4. Professional/post social support:  African Americans are also less likely to use professional therapy services and embody stoicism to a fault. Researchers suggests African Americans believe that sorrow and suffering are to be expected and difficult circumstances tolerated rather than seek help to address the situation. Family support helps, unless members are emotionally preoccupied and have limited capacity to help others through loss.
  5. Religious Coping:  African Americans that do seek help, turn to religious coping and rely on faith, spirituality, and prayer with some seeking informal counseling with church pastors.

When African Americans Grieve

When it comes to grief and African Americans, there is no one-size-fits all approach. Important cultural differences and grief variations that are in relationship to – and as a result of – external environmental, structural, and social factors must be considered by mental health professionals in order to understand, and not pathologize, the African American grief experience. While some members in “the village” may stigmatize counseling and therapy services, getting help for grief, loss, and trauma can be cathartic and restorative.

References:

Laurie, A., & Neimeyer, R. A. (2008). African Americans in bereavement: Grief as a function of ethnicity. OMEGA – Journal of Death and     Dying, 57(2), 173-193.

Boulware, D. L., & Bui, N. H. (2015). Bereaved African American adults: The role of social support, religious coping, and continuing bonds. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 21(3), 192-202.

Rosenblatt, P. C. (2017). Researching grief: Cultural, relational, and individual possibilities. Journal of Loss and Trauma, 22(8), 617-630.

Jarosz, B. (2020, April 16). Disadvantage for Black families compounded by economic circumstances of Kin – Population reference bureau. Population Reference Bureau – Inform, Empower, Advance. https://www.prb.org/disadvantage-for-black-families-compounded-by-economic-circumstances-of-kin/#

 

Categories : Counseling, Depression, Grief, Mental Health, Trauma and Loss
Tags : African Americans, Black in America, counseling, Cultural Differences, depression, George Floyd, grief, mental health, Racism and Grief, trauma

When Grief and Spirituality Intersect

Posted by 1-Stephanie Jordan on
 March 30, 2020
  · No Comments

In light of the recent global novel Coronavirus pandemic that spread and claimed the lives of hundreds of thousands of people in local communities, cities, states, and countries around the world, many individuals are experiencing grief in the midst of this calamity. Some have lost loved ones due to the virus, are unable to have or attend funerals for the deceased loved one, are personally suffering from or know someone suffering from the virus, are dealing with the psychological and emotional effects of “social (physical) distancing,” and are worried about meeting the most basic needs for their family’s survival and livelihood. These concerns, among others, have caused many to experience some form of personal grief, or an existential crisis in spirituality.

Death itself, whether untimely or anticipated, sometimes leaves unanswered questions. Dr. Mark Kellenman, author of the book, “God’s Healing For Life’s Losses” examines the complexities of life’s unanswered questions; in the midst of death and in the midst of human suffering. His book offers readers a perspective on grief, spirituality, and hope through the Divine Redeemer. Although the book is specifically written for individuals of Christian faith, the concepts and perspectives shared may be applicable to other religious faiths as well. This blog will share grief perspectives from the book on how to move from depression to hope on one’s grief journey.

Traditional Perspectives on Processing Grief

Many people are familiar with the five stages of grief model first introduced by psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. She speculated that an individual experiences denial (stage one), anger (stage two), bargaining (stage three), and depression (stage four), before coming to acceptance (stage five). The model suggested that grief occurs in a sequential process until they reach the final stage.

Dr. Kelleman, however, viewed the five stages of grief model as too one-dimensional. Noting that individuals tend to deal with their grief in separation from others which leads to feelings of spiritual abandonment, social betrayal, and feelings of shame and self-contempt. Dr. Kelleman believes this causes spiritual depression.

Spirituality Perspectives on Processing Grief

Dr. Kellenman’s grief model, which he describes as God’s Positioning System (GPS), explains grief as a multi-dimensional process, where individuals respond to grief by integrating spirituality into their grief process. The model introduces eight stages. Four stages address hurt and four stages address hope.

Four Stages of Hurt Four Stages of Hope
Candor: Practice honesty with myself. Waiting: Groaning with Hope.
Complaint: Honesty with God. Wailing: Trusting with Faith.
Cry: Ask God for help. Weaving: Perceiving with Grace.
Comfort: Receive God’s help. Worshiping: Engaging with Love.

The eight stages describe how grievers can suffer a loss and come face-to-face with God. The traditional grief responses, introduced by Kübler Ross, are not to be minimized. Dr. Kellenman encourages grievers to learn how to move from denial to personal honesty, from anger to honesty with God, from bargaining to asking God for help, and from depression to receiving God’s help.

Moreover, the four stages of hope describe how grievers can take God’s hand and journey forward in life (acceptance) while facing the realities of their loss. Dr. Kelleman, calls this “creative suffering.” That is, creative suffering converts the suffering that batters and causes depression, into hope that, The Redeemer can bring healing to hurting hearts.

Journeying in Hope: An Alternative Perspective

Dr. Kelleman, explains the journey of grief can be emotional, complicated, and messy. It comes with hills and valleys and good days and bad days. It is normal to feel hurt and it is necessary to grieve. Remember that taking the journey with God places one’s trust and faith in His good character and his good heart that better days will come. Likewise, contemplating suffering from a grace perspective nurtures alternative ways to view life’s losses where hope can flourish, and spiritual growth can mature.

Reference:

Kellemen, R. W. (2010). God’s healing for life’s losses: How to find hope when you’re hurting.  Winona Lake, IN: BMH Books.

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Counseling, Covid-19, Depression, Depression, Bipolar, Mental Health, Spirituality, Trauma and Loss, Unemployment
Tags : anxiety, death, depression, grief, Grief Models, healing, loss, mental health, spirituality, trauma and loss

Hidden Grief

Posted by Shani Bell on
 September 23, 2017
  · No Comments

Grief usually brings up memories of those we have lost. However, people grieve for many reasons.  Believing grief is only about mourning those who have died can leave a person feeling confused and lost when they witness related symptoms after the loss of other important parts of their lives.

People often mourn the loss of a marriage or other relationship, a job or business after retirement, functioning, a home after a disaster, a life plan that does not pan out the way you thought it would, or personal security after being violated to name a few. The loss of all of these can lead you through stages of grieving. But unlike the loss of a loved one, you may not expect to encounter grief in these areas. Being aware that grief does not just happen when you lose a person or a pet can help you to recognize it for what it is and address it in a healthy way.

How do we experience grief?

People respond to loss in different ways. Many have heard of the stages of grief which include anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages occur in different orders, with some occurring more than once during a single period of loss. And not all stages may be experienced. In addition, you might find that you are having physical symptoms like fatigue, changes in weight, headaches or upset stomach. Emotional and behavioral difficulties can often appear in the form of restlessness, drastic mood changes, crying spells, deep sadness, difficulty concentrating, confusion, fear, guilt, anger, and many other symptoms.

Pay attention to your mind and body if you are witnessing any of these symptoms. They might be telling you that grief is present.

How do we respond to grief?

Trying to convince yourself that you should not be grieving because no one has died is not helpful.  Having to deal with disenfranchised grief only makes the healing process more difficult. Minimizing the weight of your loss might come from your inner voice or external friends and family who may not understand the impact of your loss. Whether or not you initially think you should be grieving, you are still doing so.

A healthy dose of self-compassion is a great first step to managing your grieving process.  Through accepting and validating your loss to yourself and then giving yourself space to grieve, you open the door to properly deal with it.

For many, especially when they are enduring disenfranchised grief, it can be helpful to participate in a support group with people who are coping with similar life changes. Engaging with peers can help with validating and normalizing the pain of such loss. These groups may also help to provide tools for processing your loss. Individual counseling can be similarly beneficial, especially for people experiencing prolonged grief for greater than six months. It is especially important to take care of yourself and seek professional help.

If you are struggling with grief, check out some of these resources to start your healing journey:

https://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/

http://bradhambrick.com/learning-to-grieve-losses-not-caused-by-death/

https://www.thegriefgirl.com/grief–grieving.html

 

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Counseling, Depression, Depression, Bipolar, Divorce, Grief, Mental Health, Post Partum Depression, Self-Awareness, Trauma and Loss
Tags : counseling, depression, divorce, grief, mental health, post partum depression, self-awareness, trauma and loss

Sticking Together through Transitions

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 November 21, 2013

canstockphoto1606279Family life is marked by transitional moments. Throughout life together a couple could celebrate their first date, engagement, wedding day, anniversaries, birthdays, birthdays of children, first days of school, first day of college, retirement, becoming grandparents, and more. These moments are photographed, videotaped, remembered and celebrated. Time is marked by before and after these transitional events.

Change can be stressful

Yet even for such happy moments each transition carries with it a certain amount of stress. Few couples escape the wedding planning process without some measure of conflict between each other or with in-laws or families. While the college freshman is embarking on a new exciting adventure, the house never feels the same for parents and younger siblings. Other transitions are even more difficult – a family member is sick, a breadwinner gets laid off, a marriage ends, or a loved one passes on. It is in transitional periods that families encounter the most difficulty. Transitions are both tests of strength and opportunities for growth.

Talk it out together when in transition

So how does a family successfully navigate transitional moments? Perhaps the most important ingredient is communication. This involves not only the act of speaking but, perhaps more importantly, the manner it is received and the response. A supportive atmosphere invites communication and is characterized by warmth, softness, non-judgmental responding and non-defensiveness. This means the goal is to hear and understand, rather than help or give advice.

Be positive on purpose

canstockphoto1606281Such an atmosphere does not often come naturally to a family. It needs to be cultivated during the times between transition. Renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman refers to this atmosphere as either Positive Sentiment Override or Negative Sentiment Override. In other words, is the overall mood of the relationship more positive or more negative? This is changeable based on the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions between family members.

Commit to communicate ahead of time

Transitional moments are made worse when going through them alone. Make a commitment to be a supportive listening partner to your family members and you will contribute to a supportive atmosphere for yourself as well. Between these moments, endeavor to build these skills in preparation for the challenges sure to come.

For more, view our other posts in the Communication category of our blog.

 

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

 

 

 

 

Categories : Communication, Couples, Divorce, Empathy, Grief, Parenting, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : Communication, death, divorce, family stress, graduation, grief, John Gottman, listening, Negative Sentiment Override, Positive Sentiment Override, Transitions

Trauma and the Body

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 August 30, 2013

Photography: Solitude by Jeremy Hockin

Many people suffer from either physical or emotional wounds that remain from a previous traumatic experience, and sometimes both. Trauma is defined as a serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident, or an event or situation that causes great distress and disruption. A traumatic experience can hijack the body and break down the connection between mind and body. We may not be able to connect rationally or articulate what we feel. In a recent interview Bessel van der Kolk, trauma expert at the Boston University School of Medicine explained,

“It’s amazing to me what a hard time many people I know have with (articulating what happened). This is not about something you think or something you figure out. This is about your body, your organism, having been reset to interpret the world as a terrifying place and yourself as being unsafe. And it has nothing to do with cognition. You can say to people, ‘You shouldn’t feel that way’ or ‘You’re not a bad person’ or ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ And people say, ‘I know that, but I feel that it is.'”

The body is designed to heal itself, and the brain’s job is to take care of the body. This is good news for many who struggle daily with the effects of trauma. Through compassionate and gentle practices we can once again embody our bodies. “Unless you befriend your body, you cannot become well.” (Bessel van der Kolk) One’s healing journey can begin with the aid of a compassionate therapist partnered with “somatic experiecing,” (explained below) such as yoga.

Therapeutic Trauma Treatments

  • EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): According to Dr. Amy Fuller, EMDR is “a revolutionary therapy that has helped millions let go of painful experiences, memories, or beliefs. By utilizing the brain’s natural healing processes, EMDR therapy quickly heals many emotional problems and conditions which have been difficult and time consuming to treat in the past.”
  • Compassion Focused Therapy: “Helps people who have undergone a traumatic experience to develop compassion for themselves and others, a sense of safety, and the ability to self-soothe when difficult memories or emotions arise.” (Lee James, and Gilbert)
  • Somatic Experiencing: “Somatic experiencing takes advantage of the body’s unique ability to heal itself. The focus of therapy is on bodily sensations, rather than thoughts and memories about the traumatic event. By concentrating on what’s happening in your body, you gradually get in touch with trauma-related energy and tension. From there, your natural survival instincts take over, safely releasing this pent-up energy through shaking, crying, and other forms of physical release.” (Robinson, Smith, and Segal)
  • Van der Kolk also suggests exploring techniques such as Rolfing, Craniosacral therapy, and Feldenkrais that “help people really feel their body, experience their body, and open up to their bodies.“

Healing Yoga for Trauma

Simple, gentle yoga therapy practice for releasing trauma.

Healing Trauma Resources

Deborah A. Lee, Sophie James, Paul Gilbert: The Compassionate-Mind Guide to Recovering from Trauma and PTSD: Using Compassion-Focused Therapy to Overcome Flashbacks, Shame, Guilt, and Fear

Lawrence Robinson, Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal: Emotional and Psychological Trauma

Denise Kersten Wills, Healing Life’s Traumas

Restoring the Body: Bessel van der Kolk on Yoga, EMDR, and Treating Trauma

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Compassion, Counseling, Grief, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, The Human Brain, Trauma and Loss
Tags : anxiety, compassion, grief, loss, panic, self-care, trauma

Writing a Happy Ending

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 December 20, 2012

Co-authoring a new story together at Fuller Life

Once when working with a group of teens I had the pleasure of surprising them with the news that, despite all of the medical advances of the twentieth century, the mortality rate remains unchanged – 100%. They were stunned. Silly kids, right? But I find in my own life, while it is plainly obvious that everyone will face death, I do not often consciously consider that I myself will die someday – and it may not even be far away. It could be sudden or even from a seemingly trivial mishap.

Tolstoy’s character Ivan Ilych reflected along similar lines. He learned the lesson as a young boy “Caius is a man, men are mortal, therefore Caius is mortal.” The lesson “had always seemed to him correct as applied to Caius, but certainly not as applied to himself.”

With this awareness, the question “How then should I live?” naturally arises. How do you answer the question? Reflecting on your life, how do you measure whether it is a life being lived well? A common answer is “Carpe Diem!” Seize the day! But how should one seize it? How does one make the most of each ever-passing moment? Are some ways of seizing better than others?

Now I have my theories on what will lead to a full life and I would be happy to share if you would like to know, but in the therapy room it is more important to me that you come up with a workable solution for your own life. Usually when I meet my clients for the first time they have become aware on some level that life just is not going as desired. The things that they thought would make for a good life haven’t panned out. So we sort through it together. We get into the good, the bad, and the ugly. We identify assumptions and patterns and things we have been taught. Many find that going through a process like this with an impartial, nonjudgmental conversation partner brings clarity. Maybe you do not consider yourself someone who “needs therapy” but identify with what has been described above. If you think you could benefit from such a conversation partner, send us a note in the boxes on the right. There is still time to put a new ending on your life’s story.

Categories : Counseling, Couples, Divorce, Domestic Violence, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Grief, Infidelity, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Self-Esteem
Tags : counseling, depression, grief, relationships, therapy

Lost Places

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 June 25, 2012
  · No Comments

We do not like to be lost. We avoid that scary uncomfortable place at all costs.

A little girl is lost in a department store just moments before she hears the reassuring voice of her mother. Her heart is racing, head spinning, disoriented and un-centered on the verge of tears. The body reacts before the mind even has a chance to think the words, “I’m lost.”

Adults encounter many lost places beyond the ones that are merely geographical: serious illness, the death of a loved one, losing a job, breaking up with a significant other, a move to a new city. Even after hopeful events such as a graduation or marriage we can experience a loss of the familiar, and find ourselves in uncharted territory.

Barbara Brown Taylor writes, “Even though you would rather not think about it, you are exquisitely vulnerable in this moment. You are vulnerable to this moment. Your carefully maintained safety net has ripped. Your expensive armor has sprung a leak. You are in need of help and this awareness is not a bad thing. There are people all over the world who know how helpless you are feeling right now. If you listen to these people, they may be able to convince you the odds of your survival are very good.”

For those of us who have experienced lost places we may see those moments as touchstones in our life. These were periods when we learned and grew, times when we realized we were much stronger than we thought. These were defining moments that created new paths we never would have taken.

If you are currently experiencing a time of disorientation, here are some tools that others have found helpful along the journey.

  • Faith: In Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, the fifth guidepost of wholehearted living is having a faith practice. “Faith is a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and let go of our fear of uncertainty.” Faith allows us to hope in times of uncertainty and helps us rediscover our center. Being a part of a faith community is also a place where we can feel support and love from others. We are able to share the journey with others who have walked through lost places before us.
  • Self-Compassion: The words that we say to ourselves when we are disoriented can either help or sabotage. Critical self-talk can lead to higher levels of anxiety and depression. Compassionate self-talk helps to calm the fight/flight/freeze response and creates access to more parts of the brain. We expand access resources and opportunities when we respond to ourselves with kindness.
  • Support: When we share our struggles with others who listen with empathy, the process of healing can begin. We realize that we are not alone. The opposite is also true. When we share our struggles and our experience is discounted, we experience shame and rejection. Find someone who listens, is supportive, and limits advice during these difficult times.

If you are in the midst of a lost place, we at Fuller Life Family Therapy would like to walk the journey of healing with you.

Brown, Brené, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, 2010.

Taylor, Barbara Brown. An Altar in the World: A Geography of Faith, 2010.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Depression, Grief, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Spirituality, Sticky, Trauma and Loss
Tags : compassion, counseling, depression, faith, grief, relationships, self-care
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