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Archive for parenting strategy

How to Connect with Your Child When You Swear He’s Lost it

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 August 18, 2016
  · 1 Comment

“‘Mom, you never leave me a note in the middle of the night and I hate homework!’ ‘What are you doing out of your bed? Go back to your room, and I don’t want to see you again until morning?'”

If any of this sounds familiar, you aren’t alone. This is an excerpt is from The Whole Brained Child  written by world renowned  neuropsychiatrist Dr. Daniel Siegal and inspiring speaker and author Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. In this best-selling book Dr.Siegal says the goal is to simply survive through the screaming in the grocery store moments  but you can use these moments to connect and THRIVE. Dr. Siegel coaches parents to teach their children 12 self-regulatory techniques to use during a  high intensity meltdown. One of the techniques is fueled by  an understanding of a child’s left and right brain.

Left and Right Brain Integration

It is probably familiar knowledge that the brain consists of two hemispheres that function differently. The left brain is the literal and rational side. It values organization, lists, and problem-solving. The right brain is its opposite. It plays a part in emotional processing, facial recognition, tone, context, and alerts us to feeling sensations in our body. The integration of both hemispheres trains a child or teen to value their reasoning side and also their creative feeling side.

However, human brains do not fully develop until the mid-twenties so children are often dysregulated. Picture a teenager who says everything is fine but you hear sobbing at night or a 3 yr old screaming because his toy doesn’t fly like it does on the commercial. A parent who has tools to teach them to integrate earlier will help them learn to surf through big right brained waves of emotions and problem solve their way out of them in an understanding way

Here’s one way method to try:

Connect and Redirect

When Tina’s son was upset because he couldn’t climb on the walls like Spiderman, she explains that would not have been the best time to explain the laws of physics because he was acting out of his right brain and any left brain information like logic would be counterproductive. In children, especially young children, the emotions of the right brain often take over the logic of the left brain. Parents connect with the emotional side of their child by interacting right brain to right brain. After connecting, the parents appeal to the logical and reasoning side of the child by connecting left brain to left brain through problem solving.

What It Looks Like

Step 1: Connect with the feeling side of your child’s right brain. Attempting to connect with them from a logical perspective by asking questions and seeking explanation can prove ineffective. Recognize that the feelings are real and important to your child.  Connect through the use nonverbal signs such as eye contact, lowering yourself to the height of the child, physical touch and warm facial expressions. Alter your tone of voice to be nurturing and listen without judgment.

Step 2: Redirect with the logical, linguistic and literal left brain. Sometimes the emotional waves just need to crash until the storm passes. After it passes, you can address your child’s left brain. He may simply need to eat or get some sleep. All the rules about respect and behavior still apply in moments of high emotion and inappropriate behavior (as defined by your family) remains off-limits. It may be a good idea to discuss misbehavior and its consequences after  he has calmed down.

In the scenario described above, Dr. Siegal and Dr.Payne give an example of the mother’s response using connect and redirect:

“Mom you never leave me a note in the middle of the night and I hate homework!” “I get frustrated about things like that too. Want me to leave you a note, tonight? And I’ve got some ideas for homework, but it’s late now, so let’s talk more tomorrow.”

FullerLife is here to help you and your child face fewer crises and live more integrated lives.

 

Are you more Left-brained or Right-brained?  What about your child? Using these tools could bring insight into you and your child’s interactions.

Dr. Siegal explains, “Connect and Redirect”

 

For the other 11 Strategies from The Whole Brained Child, go to http://www.drdansiegel.com/books/the_whole_brain_child/

 

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

References

  • Melina, R. (2011, January 12). What’s the Difference Between the Right Brain and Left Brain? Retrieved July 18, 2016, from http://www.livescience.com/32935-whats-the-difference-between-the-right-brain-and-left-brain.html
  • McClellan, A. (2012, May 29). Tapestry Adoption & Foster Care Ministry. Retrieved August 18, 2016, from http://tapestryministry.org/whole-brain-strategy-1-connect-and-redirect/
Categories : Adolescents & Children, Parenting
Tags : adolescents, behavior, children, connection, neurobiology, parenting, parenting strategy, temper tantrums

Peaceful Parenting – Because Punishment Is Not Enough

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 September 23, 2014
  · No Comments

Parents and daughter

Imagine for a moment being at home, with all of your family present, and finding peace. A couple is enjoying a nice conversation over a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning. Having eaten their breakfast and put their dishes away, the children are playing together on the floor in the living room surrounded by Legos, dolls, and action figures recreating a scene from the latest comic book flick. Peace. It isn’t just the absence of conflict but the presence of harmony. Perhaps this scene appears unrealistic. Maybe for another family it could happen but it is hard to imagine for your own.

How could such a vision be realized? Nearly all parents seek to create peace, but what is the path to get there? Peaceful parenting recognizes peace is not just a goal to be reached but informs the parenting approach as well. Peacemaking is part of the strategy which creates peace. When peace is considered as the presence of harmony rather than just the absence of conflict, parents pursue peace by positively, constructively engaging with their children. Research by Lori Roggman and associates* suggests that children’s early development is promoted by interactions with both mothers and fathers especially in the context of play.

Peaceful parenting practices include parents:

  • On the floor playing with kids
  • Asking questions and exploring deeper in conversation
  • Modeling controlled emotion and self-composure
  • Utilizing appropriate touch with the kids
  • Reading to and with the kids
  • Sharing cultural values, family traditions, and beliefs
  • Demonstrating virtue
  • Communicating supportive messages
  • Balancing the use of “yes” and “no” responses

Non-peaceful parenting practices include parents’:

  • Uncontrolled emotion
  • Not investing appropriate time and energy
  • Unbalanced criticism
  • Ambiguous or inconsistently enforced boundaries
  • Unpredictable or exaggerated consequences
  • Modeling values that conflict with the expectations for the child

There is a serious and mistaken notion in American parenting culture that peace can be created by emphasizing the punishment of undesirable behavior. The other end of the spectrum tries to ignore misbehavior as long as possible until the parent cannot contain themselves any longer or something serious happens. Both of these approaches fail to appreciate that positive parental engagement is necessary for creating a peaceful foundation. When this is in place children have a desirable alternative to correct back toward after misbehavior. When a lack of peace and harmony is the norm, misbehavior fits right in.

Peaceful parenting is not easy, especially when this was not a parent’s own childhood experience. Parenting is a skill that can be taught and learned – few people come by it naturally. For more resources on how to create harmony at home, check out the Parenting category of our blog. Another relationship-based parenting method recommended by Fuller Life Family Therapy is the Nurtured Heart Approach developed by Howard Glasser. The link provided includes a description and introductory video. For more in-depth guidance please feel free to consult one of our resident therapists and take advantage of their years of experience promoting healthy family and child development.

*Roggman, L. A., Boyce, L. K., Cook, G. A., Christiansen, K., & Jones, D. (2004). Playing with daddy: Social toy play, early head start, and developmental outcomes. Fathering, 2(1), 83-108.

 

Scott Rampy

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Parenting, Sticky
Tags : parenting, parenting strategy, peace, positive engagement
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    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Riya Roney, Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
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