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Archive for relationship

Premarital Therapy: For a Holly Jolly Relationship

Posted by 1-Elisa Squier on
 December 24, 2019
  · No Comments

It’s that time of year. The weather is getting cooler, the holidays are approaching, and for many that means taking that next step in their relationship. If you’re thinking about giving a ring for Christmas, it might be time to make sure your relationship is as cozy as the holidays. 

A common misconception is that therapy is only for people who have “major” problems they need to work through. Some couples believe that they only need to speak with a professional when at least one of them starts throwing around the word divorce. That doesn’t have to be the case! Therapy can be helpful at all different stages of the relationship. A couple might decide that they want to start thinking about marriage, but maybe haven’t had those important conversations about what married life might look like. This is where premarital therapy can help any couple start off on the right foot. 

What is Premarital Therapy 

Premarital therapy can come in many different styles. There are several different types of structured programs, such as the Prepare Enrich program or the Preparation and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). Many times, these programs involve doing an assessment before the sessions to look at the main areas of a relationship, such as finances, attachment styles, and communication. The assessments highlight areas of strength, as well as areas of growth. Through work with a therapist, the couple can learn to build on what they are already doing well together, while talking through the areas where there might be disagreement or uncertainty. 

There are also less formal styles that rely solely on conversations rather than assessment tools. This is geared more towards couples who may have a particular concern that has already popped up. Premarital talk therapy is just as also effective. It just depends on what the couple is looking for. 

Benefits of Premarital Therapy 

Many times, couples start off a relationship thinking that it’s perfect. People don’t tend to get married thinking it will end in divorce. Many people think they don’t need to talk about what hasn’t happened yet, sometimes afraid it might lead to a fight that didn’t need to happen. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  

However, this may lead to anger and frustration in the future as things come up that couples thought they were on the same page about, but never actually discussed. communicated about. By having conversations related to all areas of the relationship, the couple can begin to lay a solid foundation for a relationship that can survive whatever curveballs life throws. It is so much easier to talk through potential conflicts while you’re still happy and in love, than when you’re angry and hurt. 

As an added bonus for engaged couples, the completion of a program through “Twogether in Texas” can earn them a discount on their marriage license. 

How to Get Started 

There are many places that offer the structured premarital programs. Be aware that not all facilitators of these programs are licensed therapists, so be picky when choosing a place program. Visit the websites and read the bios of the people you might be interested in. Look at their experience and areas of expertise. Think about what kind of support your relationship might need, and choose a facilitator appropriately suited for that. Your relationship deserves the best. 

Many of our therapists at Fuller Life do premarital therapy, both structured programs and regular talk therapy. Elisa Squier and Tamara Tatum are both registered Prepare/Enrich facilitators and are accepting new clients.  

Give you and your partner the gift you both deserve this holiday season: a happy, healthy relationship to last the seasons of life. 

 

Contributed by Elisa Squier, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Couples, Premarital, Relationships
Tags : couples, engagement, marriage, premarital therapy, prepare/enrich, relationship

Me Before You: What kind of relationship do you have?

Posted by 1-Lindsay Perry on
 December 9, 2018
  · 1 Comment

Since we can feel chemistry and passion so quickly and effortlessly for someone else, that means staying with that person should be easy, right? Except, most of us eventually feel a fading of that initial passion, chemistry, and excitement in a relationship. What do we have left after these feelings pass?

Happily ever after?

When the relationship hits trouble, we sometimes feel tricked, lied to, and wonder if we can make it work. We wonder if it will last. Then, we busy our minds with thoughts of what the other person is doing, why they do the things they do, and why they are the way they are. Our thoughts get us feeling stuck and defeated. We get so focused on the other person that we completely forget about ourselves. A great relationship with others starts with a great relationship with yourself.

When the relationship starts sinking

Having a relationship with yourself may sound like something that doesn’t make sense. In our culture, relationships carry so much weight and pressure that it sometimes feels as though we’re drowning in them. When we feel like we’re drowning, we look to our partner, our friend, or our family member to save us. Then, we get upset when they don’t save us. The difficult truth here is that they can’t. The people in our lives can support us, aid us, and love us.  What they cannot do is save us…especially from ourselves. This is the terrifying part. If they can’t save us, who can?

Do you know how to swim?

We can expedite the destruction of our relationships by expecting that others will keep us from drowning when they may be drowning just like we are. Coming up for air starts with ourselves. It starts with knowing and loving ourselves enough to confront and realize that we’ve been drowning in the shallow end of a pool because we didn’t know we had feet. If we don’t see that we have feet, we can’t stand up and support ourselves. We may look to anyone and everyone else to pull us out of the water and save us when we feel like we’re drowning. Expecting others to save us can cripple and destroy relationships, and take a toll on those around us.

What does this mean? First and foremost, it means to begin by seeing that we may be drowning. We need to see that we’re in the shallow end of our own pool. Then, we need to look down, see we have feet, and then believe that those feet will support us when we stand up. For healthy relationships, we need to see that we can support ourselves, and choose to love ourselves while choosing to love others.

What about you?

So how are you loving yourself today? We are human. There will be mistakes and we will fall down. We worry and we expect. We have flaws and pitfalls, but we don’t have to become these things. As humans, we are more than the things we don’t like about ourselves. We are also our strengths, capabilities, and talents. We are all of these things combined and we are worth loving all of these things together; the good and the bad. While it may not be as easy as automatically loving ourselves, we can choose daily to be kind and open to who and where we are. We are worth being loved by others, and we are worth being loved by ourselves. In our worthiness, we can choose love daily.

For more content on relationships and self-love, follow the links below:

  • (2015, November 17). Skills for healthy romantic relationships: Joanne Davila [Video file].
  • Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships

    By Joanne Davila

  • Finding Love: How to love yourself first
  • You have to love yourself before you can love someone else

Contributed by Lindsay Perry, M.Ed, LPC Intern #79863

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

 

 

Categories : Boundaries, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Sticky
Tags : couples, emotions and relationships, growth, marriage, relationship, self-awareness

Are These 5 Forms of Manipulation in Your Relationship?

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 October 6, 2016
  · No Comments

“The measure of a man is what he does with power. ”

Greek Proverb

Manipulation is a common tool used to one up another in relationship. It helps us get attention, approval, favors, and other things we want through either passive or aggressive acts of coercion.  However, it breaks down relationships. Donald Miller, New York Times best-selling author, describes five positions of manipulation that ruin relationships by killing intimacy.

“Remember when” “ I always, you never”

A person acting as scorekeeper tracks the favors or faults of another to use as leverage later. Sheryl Paul, bestselling author who has made appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America, describes scorekeeping as a “me-centered” way of operating. You’re elevating your role in the relationship to a place of superiority. And if you’re “up,” then your partner has only one place to go; “down.” Scorekeeping leads to a “not good enough” mentality. It sets up a game that can only be won by killing the relationship.

Instead of keeping score, consider

Give for the sake of giving.  Sheryl Paul describes that giving for the joy of giving makes the relationship run more smoothly. She says, “Giving is the love-juice that lubricates the rough spots and takes the squeak out of the wheels.”

“I can’t believe…”

“How could you be so…”

“If only you would….”

Everyone develops a sense of what is right and wrong and having strong standards is commendable.  However, these phrases invite judgement. A judge is a person who uses his or her morals to lord over others to harbor power and control. When in the wrong, a judge personality has a hard time admitting fault and that can be detrimental in your relationship.

Instead of judging, consider

Be open to and engage the ideas and opinions of others.

Admit when you’ve missed it. While it’s true average people do not like to be wrong, they can still take responsibility for mistakes.

Try making requests for the things you’d like of another person.

 “It’s no problem…”

“I’ve always wanted that too…”

“I’ll always be there for you….”

On the surface, these phrases sound good. They signify commitment and a desire to set mutual goals. However, they can be the words of a false hero. A false hero is a usurper, who plays on the good nature of people to boldly steal credit in broad daylight. It looks like false promises and lofty claims without hard work or follow through. These individuals have a knack for identifying the wishes and desires of another person; but, then, they present as though they can meet those wishes. Often, these desires are unfulfilled leaving the other person laden with disappointment, regret and loss.

Instead of rescuing, consider

  1. Be honest with yourself and the other person about true desires. Often, creating possibilities and dreaming helps secure temporary stability before real security can be made.
  2. Admit admiration you hold for the other and give credit where it is due. Explore how the other person got to the place you admire and ask for help. Keep jealous tendencies in check.
  3. Use the knowledge you have of the other person to his or her benefit.  One of the benefits of being a visionary is seeing and dreaming of possibilities but it can be a downside when it is impossible or impractical to actualize. A few examples include dreaming of possibilities for advancing business with a boss, discussing elaborate plans for a home with your spouse, or brainstorming vacations with your children –all without true intentions or resources to follow through.  Instead, acknowledge the desires of those in relationship with you and admit your limitations. In doing so, you give those around you the benefit of choosing a course that is best for them. Identify The need and consider your willingness to help in a practical way.

 

“It’s your entire fault…”

“You’re not sorry…”

“If you were sorry you would….”

They represent the adages of a flopper and tears down the hard work already invested in your relationship. “A flopper is somebody who overdramatizes their victimhood in order to get attention and sympathy,” states Miller. A flopper fakes or dregs up emotional injuries to keep a perceived oppressor indebted and laden with guilt. While it isn’t easy to move forward after experiencing pain, these actions make it difficult to move forward and lead to even more pain.

Instead of blaming,  consider

  1. Thinking through situations where you may have placed blame.
  2. Acknowledge hurts you may have caused and choose to take responsibility for things you can control.
  3. Let go of negative sentiments towards others from past pains.
  4. Practice self-compassion and begin a narrative as a person who can work towards solutions for oneself.

 

“I thought you …

loved me/

were my friend/

cared about this company.”

Fear based manipulation tactics can lead to contempt and hatred and should be kept far away from the bond between you and your spouse. The illusion of strength keeps fear mongers in control. In conversation, they demand total submission in exchange for a false security. Fear mongers are not vulnerable and fear being seen as weak.

Instead of demanding, consider

  1. Accept criticism at face value. Learn to separate the worth of who you are from your flaws.
  2. Take the hit. Everyone experiences feelings of inadequacy from time to time. This is  especially true when we feel there is something more we or someone else could have done about a situation. Explore the loss you are facing compassionately and with the understanding that everyone errs.
  3. Understand the impact of your actions on others.
  4. Practice authenticity even when you may feel weak or foolish. It takes great strength to do so.

 

Allowing manipulation into your relationship  sabotages intimacy and can wreak havoc on relationships. Manipulation distorts reality by objectifying a person as a pawn rather than a fellow human struggling with life. Approach your relationships authentically, viewing those around you as fellow travelers with you on this journey called life.  Fuller Life is here to help you have the authentic relationships you never thought were possible.

To learn more about Donald Miller and finding true intimacy, read Scary Close.

 

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

 

References

  • Propp’s Dramatis Personae. (n.d.). Retrieved October 02, 2016, from http://changingminds.org/disciplines/storytelling/characters/propp_personae.htm
  • Roberts, E. (2012). 5 Ways to Escape Your Victim Mentality | Building Self-Esteem – HealthyPlace. Retrieved October 01, 2016, from http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/2012/11/5-ways-to-escape-your-victim-mentality/
Categories : Relationships, Sticky
Tags : manipulation, relationship
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Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute
  • Home
    • Our Story
    • Our Core Values
    • Partner with Us
    • Our Training
    • Donate
  • Info
    • Our Locations
    • New Client Forms
    • Therapy Fees
    • Information for New clients
    • Secure Inquiry Form
    • Initial Session Form
    • Telemental Health Consent Form
  • Services
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Riya Roney, Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
  • Resources
    • Houston Sliding-Scale Therapy Agencies
    • Mental Health Resources
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
    • Local Houston Resources
      • Helpful Books
      • Personal Bill of Rights
    • Healing Practices
      • Benefits of Self-Compassion
      • Self-Care Practices
      • Self-Compassion
  • Blog
    • Blog Grid
    • Resilient Relationships
    • Befriending Anxiety
    • Dancing Through Depression
    • Growing Kids and Teens
    • Healing Practices
    • Healing Trauma and Loss
    • Living Free from Addiction
    • Managing Anger and Stress
    • Sex Therapy
    • Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families
    • Mindful Eating
    • Practicing Faith
  • New Year New You Challenge
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