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Archive for self-control

Self-Control: What do I do with Guilt?

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 February 26, 2015
  · No Comments

Wouldn’t it be great to build up our self-control “muscles?” More “staying power” could make a big difference in so many areas. What if we could increase our ability to:

  • Say “no” to that last piece of pie.
  • Hold our temper a little longer.
  • Save some extra money instead of blowing it on the next cool gadget.
  • Study just a little longer when everyone else is outside having fun.

Self-Control

Is it possible to acquire self-control and then build it like you would exercise a muscle? According to a recent compilation of lab experiments on self-control, four emotional characteristics were shown to boost our self-control (Desteno, 2014).

  • Gratitude
  • Compassion
  • Guilt
  • Authentic pride

Over the past few weeks, Fuller Life’s blog has explored how to develop the characteristics of gratitude and compassion. Today’s post will focus on the importance of guilt.

Guilt vs. Shame

How can guilt become a motivator to help a person stay on task and achieve goals? In order to understand this better, it is important to shed some light on the distinction between guilt and another important emotion – shame.

In 1971, Helen Lewis, a clinical psychologist at Yale, defined the difference between these two emotions:

“Guilt: I did that horrible thing.

Shame: I did that horrible thing.” (Lewis, 1971)

The difference is subtle, but significant. Guilt is about my behavior. Shame is the experience that tells me that I am worthless.

According to Brené Brown’s recent TED talk, the distinction between these two emotions has a monumental impact on our well-being.

“There’s a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here’s what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here’s what you even need to know more. Guilt, is inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we’ve done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s adaptive.”

In other words, guilt is a resilient characteristic. It allows us to bounce back from painful circumstances and mistakes. We are able to learn from our mistakes and stay connected with the people we love. Shame, on the other hand, is like quicksand. It sinks us down into feeling helpless and powerless to change things for the better. Shame makes us want to hide. It pulls us further away from the support of others. The endless downward cycle fuels addiction, anxiety and depression.

Guilt and Self-Control

How is this distinction important when it comes to self-control?

The shame cycle is defeating. The shame cycle disconnects us from others. “I yelled at someone I love… Or, I missed that important meeting. I am worthless, so why bother? Why even try? I am unfixable. It isn’t going to matter anyway.”

A shame response leaves us with nowhere to go.

“Shame is an acutely painful emotion that is typically accompanied by a sense of shrinking or of ‘being small’ and a sense of worthlessness and powerlessness. Shame often leads to a desire to escape or hide – to sink into the floor and disappear” (Tangey and Dearing, 2003).

Conversely, a guilt response is adaptive. “I made a mistake. I yelled at the person I love… Or, I missed that important meeting. I feel terrible about it. I am sorry. I will try to do better next time.”

A guilt response connects us to all of humanity because we all make mistakes. We feel remorse, can change our course and then create something better.

“Guilt is a useful emotion. It pushes people to repair the harm they did. But feelings of shame about oneself seem to motivate people more to want to hide, escape, deny or a lot of times to blame other people” (Bernstein, 2014).

Make a Move Toward Guilt

Below are some resources that provide tools to help us break out of a shame cycle (shame resilience) into a more adaptive guilt response toward self.

  • Test of Self-Conscious Affect (TOSCA) is a quick little quiz that shows whether we are more guilt-prone or shame prone.
  • Shame Resilience: How can respond to ourselves when we experience shame.
  • Brené Brown Listening To Shame

Brené Brown: 3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral

If you're caught in a shame spiral, Brené Brown says there are three things you can start doing today to break the cycle: Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love; reach out to someone you trust; and tell your story.

Our next blog will explore authentic pride, another characteristic that builds our capacity for self-control.

Fuller Life Family Therapy is here to support and encourage those on their journey toward a fuller life.

References

Bernstein, E. (November 3, 2014). Guilt Versus Shame: One is Productive, the Other Isn’t, and How to Tell Them Apart. Wall Street Journal.

Brown, B. (March 2012). TED Talk. Listening to Shame. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

Lewis, H. (1971). Shame and Guilt in Neurosis. International Universities Press.

Tangey, J., and Dearing, R. (2003). Shame and Guilt: Emotions and Social Behavior. The Guildford Press.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Self-Validation (affirmations), Sticky
Tags : guilt versus shame, guilt vs shame, self-care, self-control, shame versus guilt, shame vs guilt

Gratitude Builds Self-Control

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 November 4, 2014

Thanksgiving is almost here. And while this may seem an odd time to begin working on self-control, an active gratitude practice can help us stay focused and achieve our long-term hopes and dreams.

Just think of some of the potential benefits of gratitude:

  • Ability to say “No” to that last piece of pie.
  • Ability to hold our temper a little longer when in conflict with our spouse. (Does Gratitude Matter in Marriage?)
  • Ability to save some extra money instead of blowing it on the next cool gadget.
  • Ability to study just a little longer when everyone else is outside having fun.

Gratitude comes in handy. According to a recent compilation of lab experiments on self-control, four practices were shown to build our capacity for self control. These include gratitude, compassion, authentic pride, and guilt.

“The answer is to cultivate the right emotions, the prosocial ones, in daily life. These emotions— gratitude, compassion, authentic pride, and even guilt—work from the bottom up to shape decisions that favor the long-term. If we focus on instilling the capacity to experience these emotional states regularly, we’ll build resources that will automatically spring forth in reflexive and productive ways. In essence, we’ll give ourselves inoculations against temptation that, like antibodies in our bloodstream, will be ready and waiting to combat possible threats to our well-being.” (David Desteno, September 15, 2014, Pacific Standard, The Science of Society).

Ideas for Daily Gratitude Practice

Family at dinnerA great way to create a gratitude habit is to spice it up with different types of gratitude practice. Feel free to choose two, three, or all of the exercises below to get started. Remember it takes sixty-six days to create a new habit, so these exercises may not come naturally in the beginning.

  • Say “Thank you” for the mundane. “Sometimes we get so used to our partner, our mama or our kids doing the things they’ve always done — making breakfast, taking the trash out, sending us surprise packages, dressing themselves in the morning — that we forget to appreciate these small gestures. Don’t take those tiny moments for granted! Start with a small, specific and frequent, “Thank you.” (Stratejoy: 9 New Ways to Practice Gratitude)
  • Gratitude Journal: At the end of each day write three things you are grateful for.
  • Share gratitude at the dinner table.
  • Designate a glass jar as “The Gratitude Jar.” Write blessings on strips of paper at the end of each day and add them to the jar.
  • Say “Thank You” to everyone who serves you throughout the day: the cashier, waiter, grocery store clerk, etc.
  • Share “three blessings” every day with loved ones, friends, or family members.
  • Write a letter of gratitude to someone. Then, take it to them and read it in person.
  • Turn off the electronics and challenge yourself to say “thank you” for as many things as possible during your walk or drive.
  • For 100 days take a picture of something you are grateful for and share it with friends and family via social media.
  • Practice a Gratitude Meditation at the beginning of each day.

Over the next few weeks, Fuller Life will explore the other practices that build self-control: compassion, authentic pride, and guilt. Until then, enjoy this incredibly beautiful and inspiring TED talk about Gratitude created by cinematographer, Louis Schwartzberg and David Stendl-Rast.

Louie Schwartzberg: Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

Nature’s beauty can be easily missed — but not through Louie Schwartzberg’s lens. His stunning time-lapse photography, accompanied by powerful words from Benedictine monk Brother David Steindl-Rast, serves as a meditation on being grateful for every day.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Gratitude, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : gratitude, relationships, self-care practices, self-control
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Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute
  • Home
    • Our Story
    • Our Core Values
    • Partner with Us
    • Our Training
    • Donate
  • Info
    • Our Locations
    • New Client Forms
    • Therapy Fees
    • Information for New clients
    • Secure Inquiry Form
    • Initial Session Form
    • Telemental Health Consent Form
  • Services
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Riya Roney, Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
  • Resources
    • Houston Sliding-Scale Therapy Agencies
    • Mental Health Resources
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
    • Local Houston Resources
      • Helpful Books
      • Personal Bill of Rights
    • Healing Practices
      • Benefits of Self-Compassion
      • Self-Care Practices
      • Self-Compassion
  • Blog
    • Blog Grid
    • Resilient Relationships
    • Befriending Anxiety
    • Dancing Through Depression
    • Growing Kids and Teens
    • Healing Practices
    • Healing Trauma and Loss
    • Living Free from Addiction
    • Managing Anger and Stress
    • Sex Therapy
    • Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families
    • Mindful Eating
    • Practicing Faith
  • New Year New You Challenge
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