Relationships Archives - Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Archive for Relationships

Counseling tools that help create healthy interactions within relationships.

Me Before You: What kind of relationship do you have?

Posted by Lindsay Perry on

December 9, 2018

Since we can feel chemistry and passion so quickly and effortlessly for someone else, that means staying with that person should be easy, right? Except, most of us eventually feel a fading of that initial passion, chemistry, and excitement in a relationship. What do we have left after these feelings pass?

Happily ever after?

When the relationship hits trouble, we sometimes feel tricked, lied to, and wonder if we can make it work. We wonder if it will last. Then, we busy our minds with thoughts of what the other person is doing, why they do the things they do, and why they are the way they are. Our thoughts get us feeling stuck and defeated. We get so focused on the other person that we completely forget about ourselves. A great relationship with others starts with a great relationship with yourself.

When the relationship starts sinking

Having a relationship with yourself may sound like something that doesn’t make sense. In our culture, relationships carry so much weight and pressure that it sometimes feels as though we’re drowning in them. When we feel like we’re drowning, we look to our partner, our friend, or our family member to save us. Then, we get upset when they don’t save us. The difficult truth here is that they can’t. The people in our lives can support us, aid us, and love us. What they cannot do is save us…especially from ourselves. This is the terrifying part. If they can’t save us, who can?

Do you know how to swim?

We can expedite the destruction of our relationships by expecting that others will keep us from drowning when they may be drowning just like we are. Coming up for air starts with ourselves. It starts with knowing and loving ourselves enough to confront and realize that we’ve been drowning in the shallow end of a pool because we didn’t know we had feet. If we don’t see that we have feet, we can’t stand up and support ourselves. We may look to anyone and everyone else to pull us out of the water and save us when we feel like we’re drowning. Expecting others to save us can cripple and destroy relationships, and take a toll on those around us.

What does this mean?First and foremost, it means to begin by seeing that we may be drowning. We need to see that we’re in the shallow end of our own pool. Then, we need to look down, see we have feet, and then believe that those feet will support us when we stand up. For healthy relationships, we need to see that we can support ourselves, and choose to love ourselves while choosing to love others.

Is it worth the risk?

This sounds simple, but it never feels easy. One of the most difficult things to do is decide to stand on our own and choose to love ourselves and others. To love is to be open, to be open is to be exposed, and to be exposed means that someone can hurt us. We know this because we may have been hurt in the past. This is an uncomfortable truth. In order to love ourselves and someone else, we choose to be open and exposed, and take the risk that someone may not love us back.

The interesting piece here is that when we love and are open to ourselves, the pain from a rejection or heartbreak may not hit as hard. We can see those we love also have hardships and insecurities. It may still hurt, but it doesn’t completely take over our lives. Furthermore, we know we can swim to shore and stand up if we choose to.

What about you?

So how are you loving yourself today? We are human. There will be mistakes and we will fall down. We worry and we expect. We have flaws and pitfalls, but we don’t have to become these things. As humans, we are more than the things we don’t like about ourselves. We are also our strengths, capabilities, and talents. We are all of these things combined and we are worth loving all of these things together; the good and the bad. While it may not be as easy as automatically loving ourselves, we can choose daily to be kind and open to who and where we are. We are worth being loved by others, and we are worth being loved by ourselves. In our worthiness, we can choose love daily.

For more content on relationships and self-love, follow the links below:

(2015, November 17). Skills for healthy romantic relationships: Joanne Davila [Video file].
Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships

By Joanne Davila
Finding Love: How to love yourself first
You have to love yourself before you can love someone else

Contributed by Lindsay Perry, M.Ed, LPC Intern #79863

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Boundaries, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Sticky

Tags : couples, emotions and relationships, growth, marriage, relationship, self-awareness

Stopping the Defensiveness Dance in Your Relationship

Posted by Angela Blocker on

July 31, 2018

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Are you stuck in a relationship where both of you are very defensive? If so, you know moving closer is difficult because before you must maneuver around a series of walls.

How can you move forward? Many people have found success by learning to overcome the inevitable difficulties that come with the natural defensiveness that occurs in relationships.

What’s Happening in Real Time?

Ensure your focus has a here-and-now orientation. You can avoid the pitfalls of either of you drudging up the past by keeping to the present. Also, it is a good idea to commit to addressing criticisms when they occur, instead of out of context and as a weapon.
Healthy confrontation involves a degree of humility. Taking a superior position or a one-up position opens the door for attack and closes the door to fulfilling relationship. Nobel Prize winning philosopher, Martin Buber, refers to this positioning as an I-It relationship. In this form of relationship, one person objectifies the other to serve the interest of the individual. In contrast, he discusses an I-Thou relationship in which both meet one another in their authentic existence with respect.
Make sure you demonstrate a genuine interest in the other. In each encounter, find ways to help the relationship win. Ask questions or offer feedback indicating you understand the other. If you do not, you will perceive each confrontation as an attack, instead as an opportunity.

What’s Predictable?

It makes sense to know the “music” that you and your spouse “dance” to. Reflect on when the “tune” starts and what words, phrases, looks, or topics seem to put you in lockstep. Given your usual pattern of conflict, you can prepare yourself by expecting a reaction like blame, “legitimate” excuses, or a distortion/ exaggeration of your point. Take time to consider how helpful your former reactions have been and focus on the better ways you’ve responded in the past. Then, choose to take a deep breath, refuse to fight back, and look to respond in a way that values both yourself and your relationship.

Remember, you can only change yourself. It’s a lesson to be learned over and over. As unsettling as this can be, a commitment to changing and accepting yourself offers liberation. While not always obvious, defensiveness needs a partner. Indeed, the very cycle of attack invites the other to defend with a counterattack. By changing the way you dance, however, you free yourself from these patterns. Defensiveness implies a need to be protected. The best protection you can give yourself and your spouse is knowing that you are strong and brave enough to respond rather than react.

References

Conley, R. (2014, June 29). Defensiveness Is Killing Your Relationships – How To Recognize It and What To Do About It. Retrieved from https://leadingwithtrust.com/2014/06/29/your-defensiveness-is-killing-your-relationships/

Gunther, R. (2017, May 17). En Guarde-How Defensiveness Can Destroy Love. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201705/en-guarde-how-defensiveness-can-destroy-love

Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships

Tags : anger, anger management, boundaries, Communication, conflict, couples, defensiveness, emotions, relationships

Me, Myself, and I

Posted by Manet Castaneda on

July 23, 2018

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The Self

The self is our sense of personal identity, it is a mental picture that we have of ourselves based on a number of things. The self is comprised of our moods, cognitions, behaviors, and relationships. Furthermore, the self is made up of our unique personal traits, physical characteristics, abilities, values, roles, and goals. Our sense of self begins to develop as young children and continues to develop throughout our lifetime. The experiences that we encounter throughout our lives have an impact on who we are and how we perceive ourselves. At times, it can be easy to lose our sense of self due to the interactions that we have with others, particularly loved ones. It is because of this that it is important to have a clear understanding of who we are.

Self-Awareness

Developing greater self-awareness is a necessary skill to learn if one is interested in growing as a more balanced and confident adult. Self-awareness is the extent to which we are focusing on and aware of our own self- concept. Our self-concept can be accessible for short periods of times like when we are in front of a mirror and we suddenly become aware of ourselves, or for longer periods of time like when we are clear and aware of our sexual preference. Because self-awareness comes and goes it is easy to lose sight of who are, and therefore more likely to violate our own values and norms. This is especially true when we are in a group setting where there is more pressure to conform to the group mentality.

Gaining Self-Awareness

Increasing self-awareness can be achieved through a number of mindful and intentional practices. As mentioned earlier, it is a skill to develop, and therefore requires time and intentionality. One of the best ways to gain greater self-awareness is to process your life story with a mental health professional who can help you gain greater insight into yourself. Seeking the help of a counselor can not only help you become more self-aware, but also can help you understand yourself better. Another way to practice self-awareness is by committing to dedicating 15-20 minutes of your day to exploring yourself and what you are about. You might even consider writing down ideas about who you are and what your values and beliefs are in order to gain greater clarity. Lastly, one way to learn more about yourself is through personality tests like the famous Myers-Briggs or the Enneagram personality assessment.

Being clear about who you are is essential for going through life, and learning to develop further self-awareness is a skill that can be developed through mindful and intentional practice. Because our sense of self is influenced and molded by the world around us, it is important to be clear about where we stand in that world. Our sense of self develops as we go through life, and because of this practicing self-awareness can aid in growing as balanced and confident adults.

For more information on the self and how to achieve greater awareness of the self, please visit: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/

http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/home.htm?bhcp=1

http://open.lib.umn.edu/socialpsychology/chapter/4-1-the-cognitive-self-the-self-concept/

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Boundaries, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices

Tags : boundaries, emotional intelligence, mental health, mindfulness practice, self-awareness, Self-Care Practice

Baby Makes Three: Moving from Couple to Family

Posted by Elisa Squier on

July 17, 2018

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A new baby can be a time for great celebration, but it can also be a terrifying and stressful experience. The first night – and many afterwards – can create anxiety as the new parents try to figure out how to take care of this fragile new human. Unfortunately, this anxiety that comes with inexperience and uncertainty doesn’t stay contained in the role as a parent – it affects how people behave in their role as spouse. It’s no wonder that marital tensions skyrocket during the first three years of parenthood. The bad news is that there’s no way to keep stress from your marriage and from your new family. The good news is this doesn’t mean resentment and distance have to become the new normal.

Here are a few guidelines adapted from John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman’s book, And Baby Makes Three – an easy read about their years of research on first-time families. These will help you and your spouse – and the baby – stay connected and loving through the good – and the stressful – days ahead.

PRIORITIZE YOUR MARRIAGE

Remember that you have a partner, not just a baby

A huge source of tension comes from one partner feeling that he or she has been replaced by a newborn. It is important to continue to have joint time with the baby, as well as one-on-one time with your partner to keep the intimacy going.

Appreciate your partner

When you feel like there is so much to do, remember that you and your partner are a team. Both of you have responsibilities. Both of you participate in the never-ending list of chores. Be sure to tell your spouse what you appreciate about her. Tell him you love him. Let her know you see what she is doing and thank her for it.

Keep communication open about desires

Things are different now. What may have been pleasurable earlier in the relationship may no longer be pleasurable. Remember that the female body has just gone through a natural, but still traumatic, experience. Her body is initially keyed to the baby, whether breastfeeding or not. She may not be ready for sex. And when she is, she may not like the same things. Whether sexual or non-sexual attention, it is important for both to express their readiness and desires.

CHANGE THE WAY YOU FIGHT

Approach topics gently

Remember that both of you are tired and stressed with all the extra work and all the sleepless nights both of you have endured. Even though it will be one of the hardest times to do it, have patience with each other and present your needs or desires in noncritical ways.

Apologize when you mess up

Nobody is perfect all the time. Again, remember that both of you are under a lot of pressure. You’re going to say things you don’t mean. Or use a harsh tone. Or forget to do something. The important thing is that when you do let the stress get the better of you, just apologize. Making things right in the moment helps to keep the tension between the two of you from building.

Don’t argue in front of your baby

This is actually a crucial piece to keeping your baby healthy, especially in the early months.* It doesn’t mean that you can’t argue. In fact, it would be unrealistic and detrimental to the relationship to hold things back. However, babies pick up on the emotional atmosphere, and it is important for them to maintain a calm and happy environment. Pick a time and a place where you and your partner can go to discuss whatever may be bothering you, and then come back together with the baby once neither of you feels agitated anymore.

*This will begin to change once the baby gets to be a year or older and they have stronger cognitive abilities to understand arguments

Remember that this is a time of transition for both of you. No relationship is the same forever. There will be trial and error for both of you. But in the end, your family will thank you.

For other daily marriage tips, you can subscribe to the Gottman Marriage Minute newsletter here.

For more parenting tips, check out our other posts here.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M. & J. S. Gottman (2007). And baby makes three. New York: Three Rivers Press.

Contributed by Elisa Squier, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Couples, Marriage, Parenting, Parenting, Relationships

Tags : baby, conflict, couples, family, marriage, parenting

The Art of Parental Conflict: Tips for Arguing To Your Kids’ Benefit

Posted by Angela Blocker on

June 14, 2018

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Parental conflict is inevitable. It’s going to happen. There is also a clear link between interparental conflict and children’s behavioral and emotional problems, in both divorced and intact families. However, parents can fight in ways that fosters positive outcomes in their children.

The Importance of Fighting Fair

Research has shown that the content of the argument is less impactful on childhood development than the way decisions are handled by the parents. Kids are constantly learning how to interact and engage by watching their parents. Throwing verbal low-blows, criticizing and blaming back and forth demonstrates a lack of respect for each other. (Even worse, you may find your middle-schooler responding just as disrespectfully to you and to others!) Instead, choose to put away defensiveness, be curious about the perspective of your spouse, and treat them kindly.

This does not mean one parent just giving in to the other parent though. “We did a study on that,” says psychologist E. Mark Cummings. He has studied the effects of interparental conflict on children for decades. Cummings and his colleagues at Notre Dame found that kids do not respond well to seeing their parents capitulate.

In fact, the most problematic reactions from kids came from witnessing parents express nonverbal anger like stonewalling, avoidance, shutting down, or being unwilling to cooperate. When parents withdraw from one another it is actually more disturbing to kids in the long term than open conflict.

He explains, “Kids understand hostility. It tells them what’s going on and they can work with that. But when parents withdraw and become emotionally unavailable, kids don’t know what’s going on. They just know things are wrong.” It becomes harder for kids to regulate themselves. This remained true regardless of the relationship status of their parents.

Create a Strong Partnership (outside of your kids)

University of California Berkley’s Philip Cowan studies the impact of the marriage relationship on children. He found a connection between improvements in the quality of marital relationships and parent-child relationships and the children’s ability to adapt. In other words, the quality of your marriage, or relationship with your ex-spouse, matters because it affects parenting.

As therapist and psychologist Laura Berman, Ph.D., explains, “No matter how sacrilegious it sounds…you need to put your relationship before your children. A strong relationship provides security for your children and demonstrates how a loving, respectful partnership. . What could be more important?” This may look like being more intentional about daily touch points with one another during the day, showing affection in front of your children, holding conversations where children are not the main topic. If parenting issues are continually eroding your marriage it may be helpful to evaluate whether your emotional desires are being met through your children.

What if We’re Divorced?

Even if you are not together anymore, it is better for children to have parents who choose to back each other up and work together as a team, than to have parents (even with all the greatest parenting skills) who lack a supportive relationship. Take time to communicate with your co-parent to verify stories from your children and involve one another in important decisions affecting your kids.

Is Conflict bad?

Interparental conflict isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, children exposed to healthy conflict can learn effective ways to manage differences and solve problems. They grow when they see their parents calm themselves down, assert themselves without putting the other down, and regulate their emotions instead of shifting blame. Fuller Life is here to help families stay on the same team and raise strong, healthy, secure children.

D.D. (2014, April 30). What Happens to Children When Parents Fight. Retrieved February 15, 2018, from http://www.developmentalscience.com/blog/2014/04/30/what-happens-to-children-when-parents-fight

Gregory, L. (2017, November 30). When Parents Fight: The Pros and Cons of Arguing in front of Your kids. Retrieved February 15, 2018, from https://globalnews.ca/news/3655488/when-parents-fight-the-pros-and-cons-of-arguing-in-front-of-your-kids/&p=DevEx,5036.1

Additional Reading:

Four Truths about Stepfamilies that You Need to Know

Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Blended Families, Communication, Counseling, Couples, Parenting, Parenting, Relationships

Tags : divorce, parental conflict

Do You Talk Dirty to Yourself?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on

March 2, 2018

· No Comments

If you find yourself guilty of engaging in harmful self-talk, do not fret, you are not alone. Many of us are guilty of using shaming or denigrating language to speak to ourselves on a daily basis. Our intimate thoughts can sometimes be a scary place, especially when they are riddled with negativity and self-hate. How often do we take time to notice the way we “talk dirty” to ourselves?

Better yet, how often do we take the time to reframe those negative thoughts into more compassionate musings? If you are like many individuals, it is likely that you have not taken the time to notice your negative self-talk, much less considered speaking more kindly to yourself. Here is a three-step process for identifying and reshaping damaging self-talk.

First Step: Notice our Dirty Talk

Where does our dirty talk come from? For most, it comes from a combination of experiences and interactions we have with others- parents, teachers, classmates or coworkers. Regardless of where your negative self-talk comes from, it is important to identify it and recognize how it infiltrates your day-to-day routine. Here are a few examples of distorted self-talk:

– I am not good at my job

– I’ll never be good at anything

– I am not smart enough

– If only I was thinner

– I’m so stupid

Second Step: Swap Your Dirty Talk

If you are able to identify your negative self-talk, then you are taking a step towards changing the way that you experience your world and the people in it. While identifying dirty talk is important, if what you want is to live a more growth promoting life then it is important make steps towards changing those self-damaging thoughts. One way to do this is by writing down your internal negative thoughts and reversing them. For example:

– I am not good at my job vs I work hard at my job

– I’ll never be good at anything vs I am good at several things

– I am not smart enough vs I work hard to learn new things

Third Step: Challenge Your Dirty Talk

The last step and possibly the most challenging, is to provide yourself with reasons why the reversed thought is true. Distorted self-talk is just that, distorted. Which means that the things you tell yourself are most likely untrue and there is evidence in your own experiences to prove this. For example:

– I am good at my job because I work hard to complete my tasks

– I am good at many things like reading, and helping around the house

– I am smart because I take time to learn new things

– I am not stupid because I am able to accomplish many tasks thought my day

Reframing your dirty talk may be a very challenging thing to do, especially when you are unaware that you are doing it to yourself. However, you can rise to the challenge. If you want to positively change the way you perceive yourself and your experiences, you can. Retraining yourself will take a conscious effort, but the outcome will be very rewarding. Change your negative self-talk step-by-step and leave the dirty talk for the bedroom.

For more information on changing your negative self-talk check out Dr. Helmstetter’s book What to Say When you Talk to your Self.

For more information on self talk, visit Taylor Dickerson’s blog.

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Cognitive Reframing, Cognitive Reframing, Compassion, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky

Tags : cognitive distortions, cognitive reframing, mental health, positive self talk, self-awareness

Does Intimacy Make for Good Sex?

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

February 13, 2018

· No Comments

The beginning of a relationship is filled with excitement and possibility. Getting to know a new person and allowing them to get to know you is thrilling and daunting at the same time. Passion, excitement and curiosity swirl at this stage. However, this period is unlikely to last very long. Slowly, as the relationship progresses, familiarity, routine and a sense of security begins to set in. Intimacy, often defined as knowing the other and being known, begins to grow.

Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, suggests that what makes for good intimacy does not always make for good sex. Good intimacy often involves the feeling of being emotionally “close”, such as with deep conversations, growing familiarity, and self-disclosure. Emotional closeness and physical intimacy do not always directly correlate and may have a more complex relationship.

According to Perel, in order for connection to happen, there needs to be an implied separateness. We cannot move closer together if we are already wrapped up in one another. Eroticism is movement toward the other, but we often seek to eliminate otherness in our close relationships by focusing solely on how we are similar and involving each other in every aspect of our lives.

In other words, being separate is a requirement for actually being close. We are usually uncomfortable with this separateness and experience anxiety and insecurity. But this very discomfort is a what helps to maintain our interest and sexual desire. Fire needs air. Desire needs mystery.

So, how do you keep desire alive?

Develop and cultivate your own “secret garden”. Perel suggests that rather than considering separateness as pulling away from the other, consider it to be the development of personal intimacy. Get to know yourself, your unique interests, hobbies, talents and dreams and go after them!

Recognize and allow for the ways your partner remains mysterious to you. Instead of, at the end of the day, pressing for every detail that filled the preceding hours when you were apart, allow for the “space between” the two of you to exist. Additionally, appreciate the ways your partner, though he or she may be similar to you in some ways, thinks and acts and sees the world differently than you do.

Maintaining love and desire in committed relationships involves finding the balance between surrendering to the “other” and maintaining autonomy and a sense of self. This is both a challenging and exciting journey!

Perel, Esther. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships, Sexual Education, Sticky

Tags : intimacy, marriage, relationships, sex, sexual desire, Valentines Day

Good Anger: A Fire Contained

Posted by Shani Bell on

February 11, 2018

· No Comments

HULK SMASH! Is this the way you think about anger? Is it a destructive, chaotic force that wreaks havoc in your life? Many times, anger can feel that way, whether you are the giver or recipient of angry reactions and behaviors. As we discussed in the previous article, Covered in Red: How the Brain Uses Anger to Hide Your Pain, anger can be a defensive response to many more vulnerable emotions. In your anger’s effort to hide your soft spots, you might find yourself being hurtful to others around you or even yourself. But the word “anger” doesn’t always need to put you on the defense. There are healthier expressions of this emotion that can give you positive results.

Burn for a Cause

Have you ever heard the expression, righteous anger? This is the kind that people reference that generates healthy and positive action. Think of the Civil Rights Movement or the self-explanatory group, M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving). In both of these circumstances, outrage and disapproval over some injustice or harmful aspect of society sparked actions which led to positive change. Psychology professor, Lisa Najavits, labels this type of anger constructive anger. She describes constructive anger as the healing type that is solution-oriented, is in proportion to the offense, invites curious self-examination and seeks respect for everyone involved. You can use the discomfort and energy of your fury as motivation to actively create harmony and balance. This kind of anger can prompt you do things like set up healthy boundaries, break bad habits, protect yourself physically or take a stand for someone who is defenseless which can make the world, or even just your world, a better place.

Taming the Fire

So how do you invite constructive anger into your life instead of the destructive kind?

Identify your anger and the reasons behind it. Think of your vexation as an indicator that a disruption has occurred in something you value deeply. This is the time to explore the passion behind your fire. For example, you notice a co-worker with a disability lacks proper accessibility at the office. Instead of stewing in your anger or setting the building ablaze, you could recognize that you value equality in the workplace and let that inform your actions.
Refocus. Shift your focus away from your emotions towards the value you have just identified. Ask yourself solution-oriented questions about what needs to take place for that value to be met in a healthy way. For instance, you could start a workplace initiative to ensure accessibility for all disabled employees.
Once you devise a personal plan or organize your movement, move forward. Use the anger to fuel your actions but not to lead them. Let what you value direct your steps instead.

Other Resources for Healthy Anger:

http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar03/whenanger.aspx

http://www.spring.org.uk/2012/03/the-upside-of-anger-6-psychological-benefits-of-getting-mad.php

https://www.guideposts.org/better-living/positive-living/emotional-and-mental-health/5-ways-anger-can-be-good-for-you

Categories : Anger Management, Mental Health, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Sticky

Tags : anger management, mental health, Problem Solving, relationships, self-awareness

Covered in Red: How the Brain Uses Anger to Hide Pain

Posted by Shani Bell on

November 7, 2017

· No Comments

Thats it! You have had enough. Someone around you has done the very thing you hate. Almost immediately, you see red. Or maybe the anger slowly brews and builds rage over a long period of time.

What is really happening underneath the anger? Some mental health professionals refer to anger as a secondary emotion. According to Dr. Harry Mills, anger is the emotion we are most aware we are experiencing. However, anger usually just hides the presence of deeper and less comfortable emotions like sadness, guilt, embarrassment, hurt, fear, etc.

The Anger Umbrella

If umbrellas are protective devices that we use to shield ourselves from exposure to the elements, then we can see anger in a similar way. Anger can seem like an exhibition of power, potentially making a threatening presence back away. It can be loud, volatile and tense. Clinical and forensic psychologist, Dr. Steven Diamond explains that this can be very useful in the face of a true threat. Suppose an attacker lunges at you and you have nowhere to go. Anger would propel you into defense mode much more than fear, possibly saving your life.

But what anger can also do is shield others and sometimes ourselves from seeing the pain, embarrassment or other more vulnerable emotions that exist underneath. If your friend or spouses actions have triggered hurt for you and you believe feeling hurt may show weakness, being mad is likely to step in to try to ensure that no one takes advantage.

Anger and the brain

Interestingly, the brain moves us very quickly from these primary emotions to anger. It can happen so fast that we hardly even notice the switch unless we are aware enough to do some reflective backtracking. Dr. Seltzer describes how the brain releases the hormone, norepinephrine, into the bloodstream to numb mental or physical pain during an mad response. Basically, the brain uses anger to hide pain.

The Truth Shall Make You Free

Why is it important to expose the truth behind your anger? Because dealing with the root issue is much more effective than simply managing the anger symptoms. Oftentimes, in sessions with clients, I find that anger dissolves once the actual emotions behind them are identified. I can visibly see anger give way to the revelation of sadness or embarrassment. Once the client is honest about his thoughts and feelings, he is better able to process and heal from the root issue. The next time you recognize yourself responding in anger, try working through the following steps:

What thoughts are connected to the anger? Suppose you are angry with your partner about not spending time with you. You may be thinking, He doesnt want to spend time with me which may lead to the thought, He doesnt think Im worth spending time with.
What other feelings come up? When you identify the thoughts connected with the anger, you can then work through the deeper emotions connected to the thoughts. Take a moment to sit with the thought. Maybe you can journal about it. For instance, if you say to yourself, My partner doesn’t think that Im worth spending time with. This may uncover feelings of sadness, hurt or low self-worth from beneath the irritation.
What do I do with what I have? Now that the thoughts and emotions within the anger have been identified, it is time to work through them and decide how you can respond in a way you value. Having new information about how you are thinking and feeling might give rise to new issues that need to be addressed. In the example above, you realize your belief is your partner does not think you are worth spending time with and this is connected to feelings of hurt and low self-worth. This enables you to talk with your partner from a more self-aware position and potentially improves understanding. You could also talk to yourself about your beliefs. Take time to consider how you determine your self-worth and if it is healthy.

Living Life Uncovered

You might notice that developing a habit of hiding painful emotions leads to habitual rage. Such a lifestyle of anger destroys relationships and creates bitterness. Have the courage to allow yourself to own the truth of your experience. Otherwise, holding onto hostility can keep you stuck.

There is a time and a place for anger to be expressed in healthy ways. Stay tuned for the follow-up to this blog to find out what healthy anger looks like.

Additional Resources:

Using Anger Constructively – An Angry Bird Philosophy

Contributed by Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

See these articles about anger:

Tags : anger management, anxiety, Communication, emotional intelligence, emotional regulation, self-awareness, stress management

Archive for Relationships

Counseling tools that help create healthy interactions within relationships.

Happily ever after?

When the relationship starts sinking

Do you know how to swim?

Is it worth the risk?

What about you?

Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships

What’s Happening in Real Time?

What’s Predictable?

The Self

Self-Awareness

Gaining Self-Awareness

PRIORITIZE YOUR MARRIAGE

Remember that you have a partner, not just a baby

Appreciate your partner

Keep communication open about desires

CHANGE THE WAY YOU FIGHT

Approach topics gently

Apologize when you mess up

Don’t argue in front of your baby

The Importance of Fighting Fair

Create a Strong Partnership (outside of your kids)

What if We’re Divorced?

Is Conflict bad?

First Step: Notice our Dirty Talk

Second Step: Swap Your Dirty Talk

Third Step: Challenge Your Dirty Talk

So, how do you keep desire alive?

Burn for a Cause

Taming the Fire

Other Resources for Healthy Anger:

The Anger Umbrella

Anger and the brain

The Truth Shall Make You Free

Living Life Uncovered

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HIPAA-Compliant Fax: (832) 706-3842
info@ FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org