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Archive for Relationships

Counseling tools that help create healthy interactions within relationships.

Self-Care in the Time of Corona

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 June 22, 2020
  · No Comments

Difficult Times

As our nation and world around us is surrounded by news of the COVID 19 epidemic, it can be very easy to neglect self-care due to the different struggles that can arise from this unique situation. It is not uncommon to experience feelings of anxiety, depression, loneliness, confusion, and even anger during this difficult time. Because of this, it is important to deal with these emotions in ways that are helpful and healing. Self- care is one way in which we can deal with difficult emotions and situations. Keep in mind that self-care is what we do (or stop doing) to take care of and improve our mental, physical and spiritual lives. Below are a few ways in which you can practice self-care during this particular situation that we are all facing as a community.

Practice Gratitude

Practicing gratitude has been found to have a positive impact on how our bodies and minds feel. When we practice gratitude, this stimulates oxytocin in our brains, and this helps relax the nervous system. There are two ways in which we can practice gratitude. The first is to practice gratitude for within, that is to say, being grateful for your life, body, breath, mind, strengths, etc. The second way we can practice gratitude is outwardly by being grateful for others, our pets, nature, resources, and other elements outside of us.

Seek Social Connections

During the quarantine, it can be difficult to maintain in touch with others, however it is still important to seek out those connections for support. Having a community or a tribe of people that you can count on can help reduce the feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some ways we can keep in touch during this time is via video phone calls, writing text messages, writing letters, or social media. With any relationship, it is important to be intentional about the type of communication you have, so find ways to be creative with your communication during the time of Corona.

Stay Active

Keeping an active lifestyle can keep improve your mood and boost your energy levels. During the quarantine it can be hard to find ways to exercise, so take some time to research various at home workouts that are available on the internet. Find ways to be creative with your workouts, try new forms of exercise that perhaps you have always been interested in. Make it a social activity by including your family members or roommates. Consider making a schedule that fits your daily activities so that you are more likely to stick with it.

Seek Help

Lastly, if you find yourself having a hard time with the isolation and the issues that have come up as a result of the quarantine, it is highly encouraged to seek professional help. Many organizations including our own (Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute) are offering telemental health services. If talking to someone about your struggles is something you are considering, now might be a good time.

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Covid-19, Depression, Gratitude, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management
Tags : anxiety, depression, gratitude, physical well-being, self care
intimate partner violence

The unexpected reality of intimate partner violence

Posted by Terry Hoisington on
 February 16, 2020
  · 2 Comments

Sometimes relationships are surprising – and perplexing. What begins as an ideal match in the eyes of others, can be a disappointing world of nightmares.

When this relationship with an intimate partner appears different in public than it is in private, it may be time to examine the direction that the relationship is growing into.

How do you know when it is time to examine your relationship? One red flag is when the “ideal” relationship only exists in public. Sometimes, the private relationship is very different than the one shown to others.

Is there reason for discomfort?

If examining the relationship brings definite feelings of discomfort, there may be valid reasons for that feeling.  Consider the following points.

Does your partner:

  • try to control what you are doing, check your phone, e-mail or social media without your permission?
  • force you to have sex when you don’t want to?
  • attempt to control your birth control or perhaps insist that you become pregnant before you are ready?
  • decide what you wear or eat?
  • decide or how you spend money?
  • humiliate you in front of others?
  • prevent or discourage you from seeing or visiting with friends, or family.
  • unfairly accused you of being unfaithful?

If you can answer yes to any one of these questions, you are likely experiencing domestic or intimate partner violence (IPV).

IPV is sometimes difficult to identify. Many people have a reaction of “Whoa, not me, my husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend loves me.” Love is not just about romance though. It is about respect, and respect has no room for violence in any form.

IPV is about control and abuse in any part of a person’s life. This control or abuse may be experienced in social activity, finances, religion and even sexual activity. What is helpful to understand is that IPV is very subtle and progresses over time.

What is Intimate Partner Violence?

Society tends to think of violence as being solely physical abuse. However, emotional abuse can be just as, or even more, damaging. IPV is a physical episode of being hit, beat, or pushed. It may be a situation of being blamed for a partner’s violent outbursts. It is important to realize that IPV is not limited to physical violence. Statements such as “If I can’t have you, then no one can” also qualifies as IPV. Verbal insults, humiliation and put-downs are also forms of IPV. It can also involve hurting or threatening someone’s children or pets.

As defined by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, Intimate Partner Violence is

“…violence or aggression that can vary in frequency and severity and occurs on a continuum ranging from one episode that might or might not have lasting impact, to chronic and severe episodes lasting over a period of years.”

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention tells us that IPV can be four types of behavior:

  • Physical violence is when a person hurts or even tries to hurt a partner by hitting, kicking or using any other type of physical force
  • Sexual violence is forcing or trying to force a partner to take part in a sex act, touching or sexting when a partner does not or cannot consent
  • Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted attention/contact by that causes fear or concern for safety of self or someone close to the victim
  • Psychological/emotional abuse occurs when a person is verbally humiliated, shamed, controlled or isolated from family or friends

What is emotional abuse?

Emotional abuse often leads to any one of the other three types of IPV. It is far more subtle and less talked about since it leaves no scars on the outside. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging. Katie Ray-Jones, president of the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) stated in an interview with Cosmopolitan.com that one woman told her…

“I can still hear his voice in my head. Even though I’ve been out of the relationship for three years, I still feel like I’m sitting there.”

Another individual relayed a similar experience indicating that trauma from emotional abuse was evidenced 10 years after the event.

In many cases, the victim’s confidence, self-esteem and perception of their world are slowly undermined by the partner’s need to dominate or control. Counseling psychologist, Carmel O’Brien, Fellow of the Australian Psychological Society, says

“…what comes across again and again is that there’s someone in the relationship who thinks that their views are more important, their needs have to come first, and they basically should be making the decisions and the other person should be toeing the line.”

How does IPV impact its victim?

IPV does not discriminate! It can happen to anyone, anywhere, regardless of gender or sexual preference, economic status, religious, ethnic or cultural group. In whatever form it takes, IPV is never OK, and can result in consequences such as, but not limited to

  • poor physical health
  • depression and/or anxiety
  • trauma or posttraumatic stress
  • feelings of guilt or shame
  • low self-esteem or self-harm
  • an inability to trust others

It is important to understand what IPV looks and feels like. Resources are available to find help when discomfort in a relationship occurs. If you or a person you know is involved in Intimate Partner Violence, please reach out for help. A few resources, both national and local, can be found below.                                                                                                                   

Resources to find help

The resources below are good places to start reaching out for help or to receive guidance:

  • National Domestic Hotline – call 1-800-799-7233 or use the secure online chat in English or Spanish
  • ACF’s (Administration for Children & Families) Family Violence Prevention and Services Program administers the primary federal funding stream dedicated to the support of emergency shelter and related assistance for victims of domestic violence and their children.
  • National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: State Coalition List provides a directory of state offices that can help you find local support, shelter, and free or low-cost legal services. This includes all U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands.

Find help in the Houston area:

  • Bridge Over Troubled Waters (713)473-2801 in Pasadena, Texas – Provides residential shelter in a family atmosphere for women & children in crisis, as well as counseling and educational services
  • Family Time Crisis and Counseling Center (281)446-2615 in Tomball/Humble, Texas
  • Houston Area Women’s Center (713)528-2121 is a Hotline
  • Houston Area Women’s Center
  • Domestic Violence Hotline: (713)528-2121, Rape Crisis Hotline: (713)528-7273
  • The Montrose Center (713)529-0037 on 701 Richmond Avenue, Houston, Texas77006 – Population: Lesbian, Gay & Bisexual and Transgender survivors of domestic violence can call the Gay & Lesbian Switchboard (713)529-3211
  • The Montrose Counseling Center provides around the clock, scattered site emergency shelter for LGBT survivors of domestic violence, as well as transitional housing. Advocacy & counseling services also are available.
  • Bay Area Turning Point Webster, Texas(281)286-2525 – Provides emergency shelter for battered women and children
  • Fort Bend Women’s Center  located in Richmond, Texas, (281)342-4357 Provides safe shelter for battered women and children (under 18 years of age). Counseling and referrals provided to shelter residents.
  • Houston Volunteer Lawyers (713)228-0732 Provides pro-bono civil legal services, including family law, for low-income residents of Harris County who meet eligibility requirements.
  • Legal Line  (713)759-1133

Contributed by:

Terry Hoisington, LPC-Intern

Under Supervision of Amy Fuller PhD, LPC-S

Categories : Boundaries, Counseling, Couples, Domestic Violence, Marriage, Relationships, Trauma and Loss
Tags : abuse, boundaries, couples, Domestic Violence, intimate partner violence, trauma

Premarital Therapy: For a Holly Jolly Relationship

Posted by 1-Elisa Squier on
 December 24, 2019
  · No Comments

It’s that time of year. The weather is getting cooler, the holidays are approaching, and for many that means taking that next step in their relationship. If you’re thinking about giving a ring for Christmas, it might be time to make sure your relationship is as cozy as the holidays. 

A common misconception is that therapy is only for people who have “major” problems they need to work through. Some couples believe that they only need to speak with a professional when at least one of them starts throwing around the word divorce. That doesn’t have to be the case! Therapy can be helpful at all different stages of the relationship. A couple might decide that they want to start thinking about marriage, but maybe haven’t had those important conversations about what married life might look like. This is where premarital therapy can help any couple start off on the right foot. 

What is Premarital Therapy 

Premarital therapy can come in many different styles. There are several different types of structured programs, such as the Prepare Enrich program or the Preparation and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP). Many times, these programs involve doing an assessment before the sessions to look at the main areas of a relationship, such as finances, attachment styles, and communication. The assessments highlight areas of strength, as well as areas of growth. Through work with a therapist, the couple can learn to build on what they are already doing well together, while talking through the areas where there might be disagreement or uncertainty. 

There are also less formal styles that rely solely on conversations rather than assessment tools. This is geared more towards couples who may have a particular concern that has already popped up. Premarital talk therapy is just as also effective. It just depends on what the couple is looking for. 

Benefits of Premarital Therapy 

Many times, couples start off a relationship thinking that it’s perfect. People don’t tend to get married thinking it will end in divorce. Many people think they don’t need to talk about what hasn’t happened yet, sometimes afraid it might lead to a fight that didn’t need to happen. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  

However, this may lead to anger and frustration in the future as things come up that couples thought they were on the same page about, but never actually discussed. communicated about. By having conversations related to all areas of the relationship, the couple can begin to lay a solid foundation for a relationship that can survive whatever curveballs life throws. It is so much easier to talk through potential conflicts while you’re still happy and in love, than when you’re angry and hurt. 

As an added bonus for engaged couples, the completion of a program through “Twogether in Texas” can earn them a discount on their marriage license. 

How to Get Started 

There are many places that offer the structured premarital programs. Be aware that not all facilitators of these programs are licensed therapists, so be picky when choosing a place program. Visit the websites and read the bios of the people you might be interested in. Look at their experience and areas of expertise. Think about what kind of support your relationship might need, and choose a facilitator appropriately suited for that. Your relationship deserves the best. 

Many of our therapists at Fuller Life do premarital therapy, both structured programs and regular talk therapy. Elisa Squier and Tamara Tatum are both registered Prepare/Enrich facilitators and are accepting new clients.  

Give you and your partner the gift you both deserve this holiday season: a happy, healthy relationship to last the seasons of life. 

 

Contributed by Elisa Squier, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Couples, Premarital, Relationships
Tags : couples, engagement, marriage, premarital therapy, prepare/enrich, relationship

Fa-la-la-la-blah! Beating the Holiday Blues

Posted by 1-Stephanie Jordan on
 December 17, 2019
  · No Comments

The holiday season taunts itself as “the most wonderous time of the year,” but is it really? For some, the holidays are not always joyous and festive; rather, they are a challenging and emotional time of year for various reasons. An array of stressors, such as lack of time, financial worries, over-commercialization, and gift giving, along with the demands of parties, shopping, entertaining, and family get-togethers, may cause a wide range of emotions. These demands and stressors may produce feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and grief during this time of year, commonly referred to as the “holiday blues.”

Below are a few questions for personal reflection with suggestions to help combat and balance the effects of “holiday blues.”

Gratitude or Grievance?

It depends on a person’s feelings and what they dread or welcome. On the one hand, feeling grateful, appreciating others, or showing kindness to one another seems easy and natural during this time of year. However, on the other hand, complaints, resentments, and gripes are also a real possibility. Consider these two questions:

  • What is one thing you are feeling in anticipation of the holiday?
  • What are you most/least looking forward to about this holiday?

Tip: One’s state of mind determines whether they feel gratitude or aggrieved. How a person makes meaning from what they anticipate will happen during the holiday season, whether positive or negative, can affect how they identify with and experience the holidays. Stay calm, gather your thoughts, and make a plan that will help minimize foreseeable challenges.

Dealing with disappointments

Alas, the best laid plans… Everyone has their own idea about what they want to happen during the holidays. Therefore, when things do not go as expected, misunderstandings and disappointment can result. Then what? Ponder this question:

  • What is one thing that you always hoped would happen but never does, and how are you going to handle it this year?

Tip: It is important to choose the right attitude and understand that, unfortunately, life is not perfect, and neither are the holidays. Try managing expectations to avoid feeling overly disappointed. Recognize mistakes are bound to happen, regardless of how well things are planned. Try not to expect people to change. Seek compromise whenever possible, find forgiveness, and simply let things be.

The true meaning of the holiday season

Over-commercialism tends to undermine the meaning of the holiday season. Year-after-year sensationalized Christmas TV commercials, along with Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, can diminish the true spirit of Christmas. To keep perspective this Holiday season, reflect on this question:

  • This year I will remind myself the importance of ______.

Tip: Excessive commercialism can often spoil the true meaning of Christmas. Take time out to personally reflect on why Christmas is celebrated. Remember what is most important. Choose to hold on to these things during this holiday season.

While the holiday blues are a real phenomenon, remember these feelings are temporary. Take meaningful action to move through whatever emotions, attitude, and state-of-mind the season brings. Find ways to make Christmas a special day for the right reasons. Keeping context in perspective will help with finding gratitude and hope. Holding on to these things can help make the holiday’s the most wonderous time of the year.

Happy Holidays from the Fuller Life family!

Stephanie Jordan, LPC-Intern, Resident Therapist, Supervised by Amy Fuller PhD, LPC

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Gratitude, Grief, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management
Tags : Christmas, holiday blahs, holiday blues, holiday season, meaning of the Holiday, self care

The Recipe for a Resilient Family 

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 November 23, 2019
  · No Comments

Every family experiences some form of hardship. Have you ever noticed how some families seem to bounce back, perhaps even using their trials for good; while others never quite seem to recover? What makes some families more resilient? 

Family resilience is the ability to “withstand and rebound from disruptive life challenges, strengthened and more resourceful” (Walsh, 2011). While it may seem that some families are ”born” with an inherent ability to withstand difficulty, the good news is than any family can grow their resilience  (Pogosayan, 2017).  

Dr. Froma Walsh is a family therapist and leading expert on family resilience. She has identified nine main ingredients for family resilience, divided into three categories: belief systems (what the family thinks and believes); organizational patterns (how the family acts and relates to one another), and communication patterns (how the family speaks and communicates). Any family can mix together these nine ingredients to make their own, unique family resilience “recipe.”  

Belief systems 

Resilient families… 

  1. Are able to make meaning of the adversity, perhaps by normalizing the hardship or viewing it as an opportunity for growth.  
  1. Have a hopeful and positive outlook. They seize opportunities and persevere.  
  1. Have a sense of purpose, larger values or some form of spirituality/faith to lean on. 

 

Organizational patterns 

Resilient families… 

  1. Are flexible and able to adapt to new circumstances while also maintaining some stability (rituals, routines, strong leadership). 
  1. Are connected and supportive of one another. They respect each other as individuals. 
  1. Have social and economic resources by mobilizing the support of kin, social and community networks. 

Communication patterns 

Resilient families… 

  1. Have clear communication. They seek and speak truth. 
  1. They are open with their emotions and willing to share a range of feelings without blaming or “lashing out”.  
  1. Are able to tap into their inner resourcefulness and collaborate to problem solve.  

At Fuller Life, we believe there is hope for all families to thrive after a hardship. We are here to walk alongside as you do.     Resources  Pogosayan, M. (2017). What Makes Families Resilient?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/201710/what-makes-families-resilient  Walsh, F. (2011). Family resilience: a collaborative approach in response to stressful life challenges. Resilience and mental health: Challenges across the lifespan, 149-161.     

 

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Tamara Tatum, Resident Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Communication, Covid-19, Family Therapy, Parenting, Problem Solving, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : Communication, families, resilience

Real Talk: Should you Talk with Your Partner about Porn?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 August 28, 2019
  · No Comments

Real Talk: Should You Talk with Your Partner about Porn?

One of the most challenging conversations you can have with your partner is about pornography. While some consider it adultery to watch porn, others consider it a normal part of sexuality. Regardless where you stand, talking with your partner about porn can open doors to strengthen and develop your relationship.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when talking about porn with your partner.

Know Yourself

First, know where you stand on the issue. If you are uncomfortable with this topic, consider asking yourself what is uncomfortable. Explore what feels uncomfortable, so you can have more insight into yourself. If you are not uncomfortable, consider what draws you toward the use of porn and why. Knowing your comfort level helps you be clear about your preferences as you discuss this with your partner.

Studies show that couples who are open to discussing their porn usage are more satisfied in their relationship than those who do not. Chances are you will have different things to say about the issue, so it is important to know where you stand first.

Invite a Conversation

Second, invite a conversation with your significant other. Once you know where you stand on the role of pornography, you can then seek to understand your partners position.  From this place you can discuss together if porn is something you would like to incorporate into your relationship or if it is something you definitely do not want to incorporate.

Knowing your boundaries helps with this, and can help guide your conversation with your partner. Remember your partner mayhave a different opinion than yours, so seek to ask and learn before making assumptions.

Remain Open

Keep in mind that your partner may or may not be open to having this conversation, so remain open to the possibility of your partner NOT wanting to talk about the topic. If your partner IS willing to sit down and discuss this topic with you, remain open to hearing what they have to say.

Remember this: talking about pornography in your relationship is better than the alternative of not talking about it. Many couples avoid the topic or make assumptions which can lead to misunderstanding, feelings of betrayal and hurt.  If you avoid difficult topics in your relationship, you also avoid growing in your relationship.

 

For more tips on having conversations about  pornography with your partner take a look at the following Articles:

  • Having the Talk about Pornography
  • How to Talk to Your Significant Other about Pornography
  • Challenging Conversations with Your Partner.

 

Categories : Addiction & Recovery, Boundaries, Communication, Counseling, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Lifestyle, Marriage, Sexual Education
Tags : Addiction, boundaries, communications, counseling, intimacy, lifestyle, marriage, sexual education

5 Discipline Strategies Your Kids Want You to Know – Disciplining Your Kids Well, Part 2

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 August 15, 2019
  · No Comments
In the first part of this blog series, we discussed some common misconceptions about discipline. We learned that discipline is not about punishment, demanding respect or shaming, but rather about teaching. In this blog, we will go over five strategies to implement when disciplining your children.

1. Catch your kids doing good.

(Canadian PaediatricSociety, 2004; Byrne Biancardi, 2014) We all respond well to positive reinforcement. In the workplace you would  probably have a hard time wanting to learn from a supervisor who was always  scolding you about what you’re doing wrong and never encouraged you in the ways you were doing your job well. With your children, pay attention not only when things are not going well, but when they are. Be specific with what you observe.    

2. Model how you would like your children to behave.

The old saying “do as I say, not as I do” is never effective. Your kids are watching you and learning from you, perhaps more than you’d like!    

3. Connect with your child.

This simply means to empathize with and validate your child’s experience (i.e., “I see that you are very upset/angry/frustrated right now”).  Connection helps to move your child’s brain from a “reactive” emotion-driven state to a more receptive state in which they are ready to learn. It can also help to shift your brain from a reactive state to a state where you are able to teach. Connection has the longer-term impacts of deepening your relationship with your children as well as helping to develop the connections in their brains between the lower, more primitive and reactive, parts of the brain to the higher parts of the brain capable of self-regulation (Siegel and Payne, 2014).    

4. Address the behavior together.

Once you have connected with your child, talk with them about the impact of his or her behavior and ask him or her what they would like to do to make it better. Involve them in the process of being accountable for their actions. For example, if your daughter had broken one of her brother’s toys, she might suggest giving one of her toys to him.    

5. Remind your child of your love for them. 

At the end of the day, it is important to reinforce for your child, “Even at your absolute worst, I am still with you and still love you.” Just like you would like to be thought of as more than just the sum totalof your good or bad actions, so would your child. We can inadvertently send the message to our children that they are only loveable when they are behaving well as opposed to being loveable just for who they are. We hope this series has been helpful for you as you do the hard, but rewarding, task of parenting your children well.    

Resources:

Canadian Paediatric Society. Effective Discipline for Children. Paediatr Child Health. 2004 Jan; 9(1): 37–41. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/ 

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind (First edition.). New York: Bantam.

Byrne-Biancardi, S. (2014). 6 Secrets of Highly Effective Discipline From a Seasoned Teacher. https://afineparent.com/be-positive/effective-discipline.html   Contributed by Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate
Tamara Tatum, Resident Therapist
Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S
Categories : Communication, Empathy, Family Therapy, Parenting, Parenting, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : discipline, parenting

3 Common Misconceptions About Discipline You Need to Know – Disciplining Your Kids Well, Part 1

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 May 6, 2019
  · No Comments
Disciplining your kids is a necessary part of parenting. While it is essential, discipline can often be misunderstood. In this two-part series, we will look at some of  common misconceptions and some helpful tips for effective discipline. First, some common misconceptions…

Discipline is NOT about

1. Punishment

Punishment does not build skills. It often has the reverse effect of teaching children what to do to avoid getting caught next time. Punishment tends to erode relationships and does not make children want to learn from the person who is punishing them. (Siegel and Payne, 2014; Byrne Biancardi, 2014)

2.Demanding respect and obedience

Sure, you want your kids to respect you, as their parent. But, a good question to ask yourself is, “Am I acting in a manner that is worthy of respect?” meaning, “Am I responding calmly, being curious about my child’s experience or am I reacting out of anger or frustration by yelling, nagging or insulting” (Canadian Paediatric Society, 2004). Treating your children like they are worthy of respect is one sure way to teach them to treat others with respect.

3. Shaming

We all make mistakes. Giving your children the impression that they are “bad” because of their errors or poor choices is harmful and can have a long-lasting impact. While you may not approve of your children’s behavior in the moment, make it clear that you still love and value them.

If discipline is not any of the above, then what is it really about?

  • Discipline is first and foremost about teaching and guiding our children’s behavior (Siegel and Payne, 2014; Byrne Biancardi, 2014). Teaching about acceptable, appropriate and kind behavior may seem like a lot of time and effort at the outset. However, if discipline is done well, you will have to discipline less over time because skill-building helps children to become self-disciplined, with the ultimate goal of them developing into healthy, well adjusted, and considerate adults.
Next up, in Part 2 of this blog series, we will explore some useful tips to consider and implement when disciplining your children. At Fuller Life, we are here to provide resources and assistance to support your journey in teaching and guiding your children.   Resources: Canadian Paediatric Society. Effective Discipline for Children. Paediatr Child Health. 2004 Jan; 9(1): 37–41. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2719514/ 

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind (First edition.). New York: Bantam.

Byrne-Biancardi, S. (2014). 6 Secrets of Highly Effective Discipline From a Seasoned Teacher. https://afineparent.com/be-positive/effective-discipline.html   Contributed by Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate
Tamara Tatum, Resident Therapist
Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S  
Categories : Adolescents & Children, Communication, Counseling, Parenting, Relationships
Tags : discipline, misconceptions, parenting

Me Before You: What kind of relationship do you have?

Posted by 1-Lindsay Perry on
 December 9, 2018
  · 1 Comment

Since we can feel chemistry and passion so quickly and effortlessly for someone else, that means staying with that person should be easy, right? Except, most of us eventually feel a fading of that initial passion, chemistry, and excitement in a relationship. What do we have left after these feelings pass?

Happily ever after?

When the relationship hits trouble, we sometimes feel tricked, lied to, and wonder if we can make it work. We wonder if it will last. Then, we busy our minds with thoughts of what the other person is doing, why they do the things they do, and why they are the way they are. Our thoughts get us feeling stuck and defeated. We get so focused on the other person that we completely forget about ourselves. A great relationship with others starts with a great relationship with yourself.

When the relationship starts sinking

Having a relationship with yourself may sound like something that doesn’t make sense. In our culture, relationships carry so much weight and pressure that it sometimes feels as though we’re drowning in them. When we feel like we’re drowning, we look to our partner, our friend, or our family member to save us. Then, we get upset when they don’t save us. The difficult truth here is that they can’t. The people in our lives can support us, aid us, and love us.  What they cannot do is save us…especially from ourselves. This is the terrifying part. If they can’t save us, who can?

Do you know how to swim?

We can expedite the destruction of our relationships by expecting that others will keep us from drowning when they may be drowning just like we are. Coming up for air starts with ourselves. It starts with knowing and loving ourselves enough to confront and realize that we’ve been drowning in the shallow end of a pool because we didn’t know we had feet. If we don’t see that we have feet, we can’t stand up and support ourselves. We may look to anyone and everyone else to pull us out of the water and save us when we feel like we’re drowning. Expecting others to save us can cripple and destroy relationships, and take a toll on those around us.

What does this mean? First and foremost, it means to begin by seeing that we may be drowning. We need to see that we’re in the shallow end of our own pool. Then, we need to look down, see we have feet, and then believe that those feet will support us when we stand up. For healthy relationships, we need to see that we can support ourselves, and choose to love ourselves while choosing to love others.

What about you?

So how are you loving yourself today? We are human. There will be mistakes and we will fall down. We worry and we expect. We have flaws and pitfalls, but we don’t have to become these things. As humans, we are more than the things we don’t like about ourselves. We are also our strengths, capabilities, and talents. We are all of these things combined and we are worth loving all of these things together; the good and the bad. While it may not be as easy as automatically loving ourselves, we can choose daily to be kind and open to who and where we are. We are worth being loved by others, and we are worth being loved by ourselves. In our worthiness, we can choose love daily.

For more content on relationships and self-love, follow the links below:

  • (2015, November 17). Skills for healthy romantic relationships: Joanne Davila [Video file].
  • Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships

    By Joanne Davila

  • Finding Love: How to love yourself first
  • You have to love yourself before you can love someone else

Contributed by Lindsay Perry, M.Ed, LPC Intern #79863

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

 

 

Categories : Boundaries, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Sticky
Tags : couples, emotions and relationships, growth, marriage, relationship, self-awareness
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