Relationships Archives - Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Archive for Relationships

Counseling tools that help create healthy interactions within relationships.

Why your Partner Won’t Have Sex with You

August 8, 2017

Two Universal Truths in Love and Sex

“Picture this: we were both butt naked banging on the bathroom floor…” While this is a well-known lyric in Shaggy’s hit song “It Wasn’t Me.” The image painted is not far from the reality of how many couples start off their relationship. Unable to keep their hands off each other, and exhilarated in the excitement of a new relationship. Ironically, couples never imagine getting to the point in their satisfying relationship in which the passion and desire dies down, and instead are replaced with feelings of resentment, frustration and loneliness.

Have you ever asked yourself what you could do to get your partner to see you in a different light?
Do you ever wonder if there is something wrong with you or what you’re doing or not doing in the bedroom?
Do you ever feel like your partner only wants you for sex, or the opposite, that your partner never wants you for sex?

If this at all sounds like something you have encountered in your relationship,Dr. David Schnarch , renowned sex therapist and clinical psychologist, has a simple answer for why issues with desire arise in long term committed relationships. Here are two universal truths virtually every relationship experiences when it comes to love and sex.

Rule Number One: There is always a low desire partner and a high desire partner

Dr. Schnarch offers a unique way of viewing the way relationships work, and he does this through the lens of sex. He states, that in every relationship there are two positions that people take when faced with a decision, i.e. low desire partner (LPD) and high desire partner (HPD). The position a person takes is dependent on the decision at hand, and can change between one topic to another and from one relationship to another. That is to say, one partner may be for LPD in sex, but that same partner could be the HDP for intimacy. Even if both partners want the same thing, one will want it more than the other. You may be the LDP if you want sex once a day and your partner wants sex twice a day, or you may be the HDP if you want sex once a month and your partner doesn’t want sex at all. You may be the LDP in one relationship and the HDP in the next relationship.

Rule Number Two: The Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex

Dr. Schnarch points out a second rule of sexual relationships which is, that the LDP always controls sex. The LDP controls sex whether that person likes it or not. The LDP also control sex whether things are going great or not. This rule is no fun for either person, so there are common ways people try to get around it. According to Schnarch, “begging, cajoling, criticizing, demanding, and withdrawing are standard methods,” while the HDP may be able to pressure the LDP into having sex, the HDP cannot pressured them into wanting to be with them or be passionate. Dr. Schnarch lays out how the LDP controls sex:

The HDP makes most of, if not all of, the initiations for sex.
The LDP decides which sexual advances she or he will respond to.
This determines when sex happens. This gives the LDP de facto control of sex, whether she or he wants this or not.

Sexual Desire Issues: The New Norm

Sexual desire issues are a natural part of longer term committed relationships. All couples will experience desire issues at one point or another. Knowing these realities can be a huge relief for couples who are struggling to get through difficult challenges in their relationships. When used well, these challenges can push you to become more solid and clear about who you are. As you work through your sexual desire issues, you become more mature and more capable of being intimate, passionate, giving and respectful in a long term committed relationship. For a broader understanding of some of the concepts discussed in this blog, read Dr. Schnarch’s book Intimacy and Desire.

To book an appointment with Manet Castenada LPC- Intern, Under the supervision of Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD LPC-S, LMFT-S please email at Manet@fullerlifefamilytherapy.org

Categories : Counseling, Couples, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Relationships

Tags : counseling, couples, intimacy & sex, marriage, relationships

When Caring Hurts: Preventing Caregiver Burnout

Posted by FullerLife on

August 1, 2017

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You are dependable and loyal. You take family seriously and honor those around you who are unable to care for themselves. So you have found yourself in the position of caring for an elderly parent grandparent or chronically ill or disabled loved one who requires constant care. Sometimes it feels like it is just too much for one person to bear. You may feel that no one else is there to carry the burden but you. However, not reaching out for help can lead to harmful results.

The Numbers Don’t Lie

The United States is home to over 44 million unpaid caregivers. The numbers will continue to grow as the population of baby boomers continues to age. The prevalence of spectrum disorders, like autism, has increased in America by 30 percent in recent years. Many disorders can limit the ability of people to function independently. These situations may create a need for family members to step up when care facilities seem like an unwanted or unfeasible option. But what effect does the caregiving lifestyle have on the caregiver?

Signs of Trouble

Fatigue and sleep deprivation when caring for a loved one are common. Fatigue can make a caregiver more vulnerable to physical, emotional or mental illnesses themselves. This can be due to a combination of physical obligations of providing care around the clock to the worry and stress that can accompany the responsibility of maintaining someone else’s welfare. Oftentimes, caregivers are not only responsible for the elderly parent or disabled family relative. They are parents, husbands and wives as well, further adding to their load.

You may notice that you, or the caregiver in your life, has become increasingly irritable, anxious or angry lately. A prolonged state of fatigue and stress puts caregivers at risk for diabetes, addictions, increased sensitivity to pain and infections. If you see signs of depression, such as feelings of hopelessness or helplessness, loss of interest in other activities, social withdrawal, find help. That is a clear sign that it is time for intervention.

In difficult circumstances, some caretakers may appear disoriented, erratic and/or highly emotional. Let extreme changes in mood, behaviors or routine be a signal to you that something is wrong.

Caring for the Caregiver

If any of this sounds familiar, please take the necessary steps. As a caregiver, know that reaching out for help and taking care of yourself are just as important to your role as a caregiver as the caregiving itself. If you know someone who is responsible for a loved one’s wellbeing and is exhibiting signs of burnout, lend a helping hand. Here are some steps that you can take:

Self-assess. Take a moment to do personal inventory. If your energy levels have been low and your patience thin, admit it to yourself. That is the only way to begin the process of improving your situation.
Take a break. If you do not have to, don’t go it alone. Ask friends or family members to stay over a couple nights a week so that you can get a full night’s rest. See if they can watch your loved for a couple of hours during the day while you take some personal time. If there is no one available, take advantage of some of the caregiver resources (found below) that can assist you.
Be mindful. Include a mindfulness, mediation or prayer practice in your day. This serves to increase your self-awareness and promotes relaxation while you are awake. Fifteen minutes can make a world of difference.
Find support. As a caregiver, you might be too busy to know that there is help available to you, even if you feel like you are all alone. Please check out the following resources:
- AARP CareConnection
- National Alliance for Caregiving

Want to see if you or someone you love is battling caregiver burnout, take this short quiz:

https://www.caring.com/articles/caregiver-burnout-quiz

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Depression, Emotions and Relationships, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management, transitions

Tags : anxiety & panic, counseling, depression, emotions and relationships, mental health, self-awareness, self-care practices, stress management, Transitions

The Ripple Effects of Autism Spectrum Disorder on the Family

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

June 29, 2017

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Angry outbursts and sudden withdrawal, hypersensitivity to touch and sound, yet insensitivity in interpersonal interactions – these seeming contradictions are all too familiar for families of children with autism spectrum disorder.

For these families, life may be draining at times with small tasks requiring much effort. Yet, discovering the world through the lens of an ASD child is something special. It goes without saying that a diagnosis of ASD impacts the entire family. Let’s take a look at the three major players: the child with ASD, the sibling(s) and the parent(s).

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

One way to think about ASD is the distinction between dynamic and static intelligence (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Children with ASD can have average to above average static intelligence. For example, they can remember facts about a topic of interest or rigidly adhere to rules and rituals. But, the struggle is with dynamic intelligence – being able to read the environment and to respond with flexibility. This is why we see kids with ASD often desiring consistency and struggling with transition and novelty.

Hope for Change

Good news! According to Sue Simmons of Equinox Family Consulting, dynamic intelligence can be taught. Dynamic intelligence is the ability to intuitively understand and respond according to a “feedback loop” of interaction. Information is sent out from A and received by B, and feedback is sent from B to A. Parents can help their children begin to understand the feedback loop by…

Slowing down everyday processes and interactions, explaining them step by step to their child and gradually introducing more novelty (Simmons, 2013).
Making the feedback more noticeable. Parents can exaggerate the feedback their child would receive based on their behavior by making responses more noticeable. For example, instead of expecting the ASD child to interpret subtle body language, clear and explicit statements like, “when you said/did that, it made me really sad/happy/mad, etc. ” or exaggerated facial expressions when mad/happy/sad/etc. will be more easily understood.

2. The Siblings

The siblings of children with ASD are at risk for higher emotional and behavioral problems (Solomon and Chung, 2012). At times, they may feel invisible – with much attention going to their brother or sister with ASD, the added responsibility required of them, and perhaps with restrictions on social activities. Or, they may feel the pressure to be in the spotlight – to overachieve in order to compensate for their sibling’s limitations (Solomon and Chung, 2012).

Making the “Invisible” Visible

There are many ways to let siblings know they are cared for…

Risk an outburst. While it is known to be helpful to stick to structure, schedules and routines with children who have ASD, it is okay to vary from this order at times (and potentially be met with a tantrum) to meet the needs of the other siblings.
Carve out one-on-one bonding time. Or, find other creative ways to make them feel special.
Encourage healthy peer relationships. Perhaps even with other children who have siblings with special needs.

3. The Parents

Learning of their child’s diagnosis is likely a daunting and upsetting experience for most parents. It may take time to learn how to cope with having an ASD child, as well as to learn how to grieve the loss of what they might have hoped and expected their child to be and to achieve. It can also be frustrating that in spite of good parenting skills and much patience, life with an ASD child continues to be challenging and stressful.

Research has shown that there is a “spillover effect” flowing both ways between the parenting relationship and the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016). A difficult day of parenting the ASD child can lead to the experience of fewer positive couple interactions. Similarly, when there is more negative emotions and tension in the couple’s relationship, it spills over into a more stressful parenting. Interestingly, what tends to be most stressful for parents is not the limitations of the ASD child as much as the handling of the negative behavior (tantrums, rituals, etc.) (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Parents of ASD children are also at risk for more disagreements as to how to best handle these child-related challenges. This can, in turn, cause strain on the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016).

Care for the Caregivers

Parents can take the following important steps to ensure that they are meeting their own needs and advocating effectively for the entire family…

Take time to invest in their marital relationship. Go out on dates, seek couples’ counseling, etc.
Discuss common goals and parenting strategies. Try to have both parents attend doctor appointments, IEP meetings, etc. to be on the same page.
Develop a strong support network. It can be easy for ASD families to isolate themselves. However, developing a strong support network and seeking out resources for the family will ease some of the burden on the couple’s relationship.

Learning how to balance the needs of the ASD child, sibling(s) and parent(s) will never be easy. But, for families of children with ASD, there is much to be gained in learning patience and compassion.

References:

Solomon, A.H. and Chung, B. (2012) Understanding Autism: How Family Therapists can Support Parents of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Family Process 51:250-264.

http://equinoxfamilyconsulting.com/intelligence/asd-help-understanding-dynamic-intelligence-versus-static-intelligence/

http://www.apa.org/pi/disability/resources/publications/newsletter/2016/09/parents-children-autism.aspx

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Developmental Disorders, Family Therapy, Parenting, Relationships, Social Skills, Sticky

Tags : ASD, autism spectrum disorder, family therapy

Why People Who are Different than You can Make a Difference in Your Life

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

May 16, 2017

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People are naturally discriminating. Our brains are constantly scanning the environment looking for out potential threats. A threat can be something known to us – something that has caused us harm in the past – or unknown, something new and unfamiliar. It can be easy to give in to this natural response and remain within our comfortable, safe, social bubbles. In fact, there is evidence that social diversity can lead to lack of trust, lower communication, greater perceived conflict, more concern about disrespect.

Why would we go through the work of overriding our brain’s natural response to unfamiliar (and potentially threatening) stimuli? Why would we engage in interactions with people who are different than us?

First, we know that personal growth does not happen when we remain in our comfort zone.

Second, there is evidence that diversity makes us smarter. Being in a diverse environment enhances creativity, encourages search for novel information and perspectives, and leads to better decision making and problem solving. Research has even shown that increasing gender and racial diversity in the workplace has improved financial performance for banks.

If you are ready to take the risk and build relationships with someone who might look, think or act differently than you, here are some tips (adapted from the Community Tool Box):

1. Become aware of your own culture and biases.

To become aware of your own culture, think about your multiple identities (religion, nationality, race, sexual identity, ethnicity, occupation, marital status, age, ability, geographic region). Then consider how these identites affect how you live and perceive the world? We all carry biases and misinformation about groups of people that can come from various sources (i.e., the media, our families, etc.).

2. Risk making mistakes

If we’re going to step out and do something new, we have a guarantee that we will make mistakes. What can make a world of difference is to recognize this ahead of time. We can also be willing to make amends when miscommunication or unintended offenses come up.

3. Be willing to learn

There are many ways that we can learn about others. Here are a few ideas:

Read about or research a different culture.
Attend a local event.
Simply ask questions about another’s culture, identities, views, etc.

4. Demonstrate you care by truly listening and becoming an ally

Everyone, including you, has a story to tell. Hearing someone share his or her experiences can help us connect, despite differences, on a human level.

Becoming an ally means being willing to stick your neck out for someone else and speaking out against, or acting to stop, discrimination.

If you step outside of your social comfort zone, you may risk conflict, mistakes, and misunderstandings. However, you may also gain personal growth, creativity, better problem solving skills and new relationships!

For Further Reading:

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Communication, Empathy, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Sticky

Tags : culture, difference, diversity, growth, relationships

Four Truths about Stepfamilies that You Need to Know

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

February 15, 2017

· 1 Comment

Stepfamilies are, and have been, on the rise. In fact, over 50% of American families are remarried or recoupled. Yet, there appears to be limited conversation around what is gradually becoming the “norm” for the American family.

If you are in the process of “blending” families, here are some important pointers to consider:

Families don’t blend overnight

Patience is key to the process of blending families. It can take up to seven years to form a successful stepfamily. Unrealistic expectations of a quick and fairly smooth transition to becoming a family can be a major source of disappointment and strife. Be prepared for a slow, but hopefully rewarding, process!

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

Ron Deal, founder of Smart Stepfamilies, calls these “ghosts.” The “ghosts” could be wounds from the previous marriage, or injuries from family of origin relationships, or even unresolved hurts from the present relationship’s history. You might notice yourself or your spouse becoming especially defensive discussing a particular topic, or becoming exceedingly upset upon finding household items from your spouse’s previous marriage in your new home.

The danger of the “ghosts” lingering around without your awareness is that they often serve to place the “haunted” person in a posture of self-protection. It becomes difficult to build intimacy and form an “us” when both parties are busy protecting the “I.” You might want to ask yourself, “When I am not haunted by this ghost, how am I acting toward my partner in a way that is giving, serving and trusting?” (Deal, 2006). Or, if you notice your spouse struggling in the present with issues that have happened in the past, ask yourself “How can I show compassion to my spouse in this moment and not react defensively to his (or her) fear?” Forming a stepfamily involves a lot of risk-taking and courage!

The children are caught in the middle

While creating a stepfamily can be a time of great gain, it is also a season of considerable loss. A few of the losses incurred by the children may include the death of a parent, divorce or leaving a once familiar life. Give time for the children (and for yourself) to grieve these losses. It is not unusual to notice children feeling torn between wanting to be loyal to both biological parents. Occasionally children even take advantage of the fact that their biological parents are living separately and may not be on best terms with each other. For example, a child might find ways to avoid punishments or obtain extra privileges.

Step-parenting is a complex dance

You and your partner might have fallen in love with each other not fully knowing what you were bargaining for when adding the other’s children to the mix. Stepping into a child’s life is to be broached with caution. A rule of thumb for a stepparent is to enter the relationship gradually. Both boys and girls, though especially girls, prefer verbal affirmations, compliments, etc. as opposed to physical affection at the onset of the stepparent-child relationship.

Step-parenting is likely the most challenging aspect of forming a stepfamily. When it comes to discipline and nurturance, the biological parent takes the lead. It is recommended that the stepparent come in as a “babysitter” (Deal, 2006) or a “camp counselor”(APA, 2017) at first. This means that he or she is a responsible adult who is aware of and can enforce rules that are already in place, but doesn’t create new rules. When both partners have children, it is important to have a consistent set of rules, even if each parent takes the lead with their biological children (Deal, 2006). To support a stepparent, the biological parent may say something like “I know ___ is not your real mom (or dad), but when I’m not around, she (or he) will be enforcing the rules we all agreed on.”

This is not to say that the stepparent has no voice regarding their stepchildren’s behavior. Those conversations and negotiations can happen behind closed doors (Deal, 2006). Over time, as trust and mutual respect begins to develop between you and your stepchildren, you may be able to move into more of a “parental” role, disciplining and nurturing the children.

For more information and tips on how to make a successful stepfamily, check out our Scoop It! page on titled “Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families”.

References

Deal, Ron L. (2006). The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/8-myths-of-fostering-a-healthy-stepfamily/

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stepfamily.aspx

https://www.prepare-enrich.com/parenting.htm

http://www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/ghost-whispers

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/13/ghost-of-marriage-past_n_5490048.html

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Blended Families, Couples, Divorce, Family Therapy, Parenting, Sticky

Tags : blended family, stepfamilies, stepfamily, stepparenting

The Best Way To Save Your Relationship

Posted by Taylor Knox on

February 7, 2017

Most people believe that the best way to save their relationship is by communicating better or changing their partner. While these are nice when they happen, the problem is they hinge on both people working together. Alternatively, one way to positively impact your relationship is to focus on growing yourself so you can learn to be a better partner.

In an attempt to simplify this seemingly overwhelming task, consider these four concepts Dr. David Schnarsh calls the four points of balance leading to more successful interpersonal relationships.

Solid-flexible self:

a person’s ability to be clear about what they value, and who they are, while in close proximity to others who are important to them.

Having a solid flexible self means not having to put a physical or emotional distance between yourself and someone else because they have different beliefs than you do. A person with a solid-flexible sense of self can be influenced by others, but does not compromise their own sense of self. They have a clear picture of themselves and are willing to share this with others in a way that allows others to know them more deeply. This person can entertain the thoughts and values of others without losing their own identity.

Quiet mind-calm heart:

a person’s ability to self-sooth.

Having a quiet mind and calm heart encompasses regulating your own emotions, feelings, and anxieties instead of allowing yourself to be comforted or controlled by others. A quiet mind and calm heart is key for the struggle for individual autonomy. If a person is not able to self-sooth they are not capable of functioning alone. In time, they become dependent on their partner leading to a reactive desire for autonomy and ultimately less intimacy. As one learns to self-regulate and self-soothe one also learns how to be closer to those they care about. For more on how to do this, see what Dr. Amy Fuller has to say about using a green light practice.

Grounded Responding:

a person’s ability to stay calm and assertive when their partner gets anxious.

This means accepting your partner’s strengths and quirks without trying to change your partner to make yourself less anxious. Ultimately, this is tolerating a partner’s differences while staying close to them. When you respond instead of react you are addressing and not avoiding what is happening in the relationship with adult language and behavior.

Meaningful Endurance:

a person’s ability to deal with discomfort knowing it may produce growth.

Meaningful endurance is about facing your issues and working towards resolution within relationships instead of avoiding challenges or giving up. When we have meaningful endurance we keep trying even though we are not sure we will find success and even if it doesn’t feel good. This ability to tolerate pain for growth is key to attaining long-term goals.

Putting it together

All of these concepts are related and build on each other. As you master one skill and move on to the next, areas of weakness will emerge. Focus on the weak areas as a challenge to grow personally and observe the impact these practices have on the relationship.

When put into practice, these four concepts of personal growth create the possibility of a more satisfying relationship without focusing on your partner’s flaws or other things outside of your control. For more information check the Crucible Therapy website or pick up a copy of Dr. David Schnarch’s book Intimacy & Desire.

Learning to grow as a person is always challenging. Finding a good therapist to walk with you in this journey can be very helpful. If you are in the Houston area, Fuller Life Family Therapy has therapists dedicated to models of personal growth.

Stay tuned,

Taylor Knox, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LPC-S

Categories : Boundaries, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky

Tags : boundaries, mental health, relationships, self-awareness, social skills

Get Better at Sex and Get Better at Life

Posted by Manet Castaneda on

January 7, 2017

· No Comments

Our sexuality is something innate to all of us. It can develop in complexity and variety as we mature. As we age, we engage in different types of relationships, and if we are lucky, we learn new things, and gain greater insight into who we are and what we like sexually. A lot of us make the mistake of thinking that being in a committed relationship means we stop growing sexually because we are limited to one partner. However, the opposite can be true. Being in a committed relationship can be very challenging and can push us towards growth in various ways. These three tips can challenge you to grow and develop your own sexuality, while at the same time help bring novelty to your sexual relationship.

Be Daring

A vast majority of us can perhaps admit to having secret sexual desires that we would not dare share with the people we are in relationships, perhaps out of fear of judgment or our own insecurities. Whatever the case may be, we may not realize that when we hide our desires and our true colors out of insecurities and fears, we are limiting ourselves in sex lives and the sex life of our partners. When you dare to try something new like using a sex toy for the first time or simply being able to speak your mind about how you like to have sex, you are challenging yourself and at the same time showing your partner a more daring side of you. It requires strength and maturity to show your partner who you are and what you are about between the sheets. Daring to be bold in the bedroom can enhance maturity and confidence, and at the same time turn up the heat in your relationship. The next time you have sex, dare to ask for a new position you’ve been thinking about, or buy a new sex toy you may want to play with. For more tips on how to be more daring and courageous in your sex life check out this talk with host Dr. Cory Allan.

Incorporate Playfulness

As mentioned previously, many of us have secret fantasies that we wish our partner would play out with us, but are afraid of what the other will think or we doubt our own sexuality and sensuality. Dare to add some novelty and spice in your relationship by perhaps taking a few hours on a weekend to reenact a secret wish that you or your partner may have. This may look like dressing up in sensual clothing, trying role play or could even being risky by using accessories like fuzzy handcuffs. Whatever tickles your fancy, challenge yourself by engaging with your partner in a playful manner, and remember it’s okay if your partner doesn’t want to play at that time, there is merit in taking risks. For creative role playing ideas and more visit Cosmopolitan.

Increase Intimacy

Sometimes sex in committed relationships can lack a sense of connectedness and intimacy. The reasons for this can vary, however, increasing intimacy through sex in relationships can bring changes and move people towards more meaningful and deeper ways of connecting. One “simple” yet challenging way of connecting with one’s partner is through eyes open sex as described by Sex is something that people engage in on a regular basis, but how many of those people are actually courageous enough to look into their partner’s eyes during intercourse? According to Dr. Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage, only about 30% of couples have their eyes open during sex. It can take courage and strength to try something new in the bedroom. Change starts with one person, so if your partner does not want to participate in eyes open sex, keep in mind that you can still keep your eyes open and see what you experience. For a more detailed description of eyes open sex, visit Dr. Schnarch and Dr. Morehouse’s website.

Sex is one of the most growth-promoting and enjoyable aspects of human nature, dare to try any one of these ideas to see how you and your partner can and move towards personal growth all the while adding more novelty in your sex life. For more ideas and resources for sexuality and relationships visit Dr. Amy Fuller’s website.

Resources

Dr. Cory Allan’s page: http://simplemarriage.net/podcast/sexual-courage/

Dr. David Schnarch and Dr. Ruth Morehouse’s pages: http://crucibletherapy.com/six-tips-creating-more-passionate-relationship http://passionatemarriage.com

Roleplay ideas: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a5143/tips-on-role-playing-first-time/

Other sex blog: http://amyfullerphd.com/blog/sex-therapy/

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Lifestyle, Marriage, Relationships

Tags : marriage, relationships. couples, sex

Are These 5 Forms of Manipulation in Your Relationship?

Posted by Angela Blocker on

October 6, 2016

· No Comments

“The measure of a man is what he does with power. ”

Greek Proverb

Manipulation is a common tool used to one up another in relationship. It helps us get attention, approval, favors, and other things we want through either passive or aggressive acts of coercion. However, it breaks down relationships. Donald Miller, New York Times best-selling author, describes five positions of manipulation that ruin relationships by killing intimacy.

“Remember when” “ I always, you never”

A person acting as scorekeeper tracks the favors or faults of another to use as leverage later. Sheryl Paul, bestselling author who has made appearances on the Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America, describes scorekeeping as a “me-centered” way of operating. You’re elevating your role in the relationship to a place of superiority. And if you’re “up,” then your partner has only one place to go; “down.” Scorekeeping leads to a “not good enough” mentality. It sets up a game that can only be won by killing the relationship.

Instead of keeping score, consider

Give for the sake of giving. Sheryl Paul describes that giving for the joy of giving makes the relationship run more smoothly. She says, “Giving is the love-juice that lubricates the rough spots and takes the squeak out of the wheels.”

“I can’t believe…”

“How could you be so…”

“If only you would….”

Everyone develops a sense of what is right and wrong and having strong standards is commendable. However, these phrases invite judgement. A judge is a person who uses his or her morals to lord over others to harbor power and control. When in the wrong, a judge personality has a hard time admitting fault and that can be detrimental in your relationship.

Instead of judging, consider

Be open to and engage the ideas and opinions of others.

Admit when you’ve missed it. While it’s true average people do not like to be wrong, they can still take responsibility for mistakes.

Try making requests for the things you’d like of another person.

“It’s no problem…”

“I’ve always wanted that too…”

“I’ll always be there for you….”

On the surface, these phrases sound good. They signify commitment and a desire to set mutual goals. However, they can be the words of a false hero. A false hero is a usurper, who plays on the good nature of people to boldly steal credit in broad daylight. It looks like false promises and lofty claims without hard work or follow through. These individuals have a knack for identifying the wishes and desires of another person; but, then, they present as though they can meet those wishes. Often, these desires are unfulfilled leaving the other person laden with disappointment, regret and loss.

Instead of rescuing, consider

Be honest with yourself and the other person about true desires. Often, creating possibilities and dreaming helps secure temporary stability before real security can be made.
Admit admiration you hold for the other and give credit where it is due. Explore how the other person got to the place you admire and ask for help. Keep jealous tendencies in check.
Use the knowledge you have of the other person to his or her benefit. One of the benefits of being a visionary is seeing and dreaming of possibilities but it can be a downside when it is impossible or impractical to actualize. A few examples include dreaming of possibilities for advancing business with a boss, discussing elaborate plans for a home with your spouse, or brainstorming vacations with your children –all without true intentions or resources to follow through. Instead, acknowledge the desires of those in relationship with you and admit your limitations. In doing so, you give those around you the benefit of choosing a course that is best for them. Identify The need and consider your willingness to help in a practical way.

“It’s your entire fault…”

“You’re not sorry…”

“If you were sorry you would….”

They represent the adages of a flopper and tears down the hard work already invested in your relationship. “A flopper is somebody who overdramatizes their victimhood in order to get attention and sympathy,” states Miller. A flopper fakes or dregs up emotional injuries to keep a perceived oppressor indebted and laden with guilt. While it isn’t easy to move forward after experiencing pain, these actions make it difficult to move forward and lead to even more pain.

Instead of blaming, consider

Thinking through situations where you may have placed blame.
Acknowledge hurts you may have caused and choose to take responsibility for things you can control.
Let go of negative sentiments towards others from past pains.
Practice self-compassion and begin a narrative as a person who can work towards solutions for oneself.

“I thought you …

loved me/

were my friend/

cared about this company.”

Fear based manipulation tactics can lead to contempt and hatred and should be kept far away from the bond between you and your spouse. The illusion of strength keeps fear mongers in control. In conversation, they demand total submission in exchange for a false security. Fear mongers are not vulnerable and fear being seen as weak.

Instead of demanding, consider

Accept criticism at face value. Learn to separate the worth of who you are from your flaws.
Take the hit. Everyone experiences feelings of inadequacy from time to time. This is especially true when we feel there is something more we or someone else could have done about a situation. Explore the loss you are facing compassionately and with the understanding that everyone errs.
Understand the impact of your actions on others.
Practice authenticity even when you may feel weak or foolish. It takes great strength to do so.

Allowing manipulation into your relationship sabotages intimacy and can wreak havoc on relationships. Manipulation distorts reality by objectifying a person as a pawn rather than a fellow human struggling with life. Approach your relationships authentically, viewing those around you as fellow travelers with you on this journey called life. Fuller Life is here to help you have the authentic relationships you never thought were possible.

To learn more about Donald Miller and finding true intimacy, read Scary Close.

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

References

Propp’s Dramatis Personae. (n.d.). Retrieved October 02, 2016, from http://changingminds.org/disciplines/storytelling/characters/propp_personae.htm
Roberts, E. (2012). 5 Ways to Escape Your Victim Mentality | Building Self-Esteem – HealthyPlace. Retrieved October 01, 2016, from http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/2012/11/5-ways-to-escape-your-victim-mentality/

Categories : Relationships, Sticky

Tags : manipulation, relationship

Lessons on Materialism as Told by Rock ‘n’ Roll Legends

Posted by Manet Castaneda on

July 20, 2016

· No Comments

We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with images of celebrities and their flawless bodies, luxurious homes, the latest fashion trends, and the coolest gadgets. In the midst of all of these things it can be easy to be swayed towards the belief that we are supposed to live our lives according to the standards that society sets for us. Consider the following questions:

Do you believe that you would be happier if you just had more money?
Do you envy those who have nicer belongings than you do?
Do you and your partner worry about accumulating wealth and assets?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider whether you are placing a high level of importance on acquiring wealth, and if so, what potential side effects this type of thinking may have on your life and relationships.

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

The Rolling Stones may have been on to something when they wrote I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, referring to not being satisfied by material things despite trying. Interestingly, according to Carolyn Gregorie of The Huffington Post, Americans have more cars and eat out more than they did roughly 50 years ago. However, despite having more, Americans are still not happier. Research has found that, although the levels of consumption have risen in the past 50 years, Americans’ overall wellbeing has declined.

You may be asking yourself, “Why does this all matter?” Well, if you believe that the solution to your problems is having more, you may want to take note that research has found having more does not necessarily mean you will be happier. In fact, it has found that those who work towards accumulating wealth and assets have a tendency to experience less positive emotions throughout their day and are less satisfied than those who do not pursue wealth.

Money Talks

In AC/DC’s popular song, Money Talks, part of the chorus says “Come on, come on, love me for the money,” as if having large amounts of money can make someone fall in love with you. Interestingly, research has shown that individuals who are materialistic may find themselves in unhappy relationships compared to those who do not place importance on their belongings and the acquisition of more. Jason Carroll, professor of family life at Brigham Young University found this is true for all income classes. Additionally, his study found that the least satisfying marriages were those in which both partners placed great importance on their possessions.

Carroll and his research team developed theories as to how materialism can affect a relationship, and they believe that it could be that those couples who spend more time focusing on accumulating wealth spend less time working on strengthening their relationship. Another theory that Carroll and his team considered was that reckless spending habits caused couples to have more stress and more discussions. Therefore they were more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationship.

Welcome to the Hotel California

The Eagles give their listeners a glimpse into the powerful trap of materialism in their popular song, Hotel California. The lyrics of the song paint a picture of a man caught in the life of luxury at the Hotel California, only to realize too late that he and everyone there “are all just prisoners… of [their] own device.” As if the effects of materialism listed above were not worrisome enough, studies have found that individuals who are materialistic are also more insecure, anxious, and depressed than those individuals who are not materialistic.

In a different study, psychologist Galen V. Bodenhausen and his team of researchers found that students who were exposed to images of luxury items and words compared to students who were exposed to nature scenes, rated themselves higher in anxiety and depression than the other students. This research is important because it indicates that people who have a mind frame of materialism may have higher levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to those individuals who do not.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

We live in a society that applies a great deal of pressure on its consumers to have more in order to be “happy.” We have been led to believe that satisfaction will come from collecting material things. However, this way of thinking does not guarantee happiness, stable relationships, or a reduction in anxiety and depression. In fact, being materialistic seems to provide the complete opposite by leading to less satisfaction, strained relationships, and higher levels of anxiety and depression.

If living the life of a rock ‘n’ roll star is not the way towards a life of happiness and fulfillment, then how do you find satisfaction? Perhaps it might be found in engaging in the opposite of materialism, gratitude. Recent studies on happiness suggest that having deep feelings of gratitude beyond good manners could contribute largely to our happiness. With all of this in mind, just remember the wise words of Axl Rose, ” nothin’ lasts forever, even cold November rain.”

Manet Castaneda

Practicum Student Therapist

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform.

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Sticky, Stress Management

Tags : cognitive reframing, counseling, couples, depression, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, gratitude, marriage, mental health, mindfulness practice, Problem Solving, relationships, self-esteem, stress manage, stress management

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Counseling tools that help create healthy interactions within relationships.

Two Universal Truths in Love and Sex

Rule Number One: There is always a low desire partner and a high desire partner

Rule Number Two: The Low Desire Partner Always Controls Sex

Sexual Desire Issues: The New Norm

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Caring for the Caregiver

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

Hope for Change

2. The Siblings

Making the “Invisible” Visible

3. The Parents

Care for the Caregivers

References:

1. Become aware of your own culture and biases.

2. Risk making mistakes

3. Be willing to learn

4. Demonstrate you care by truly listening and becoming an ally

Families don’t blend overnight

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

The children are caught in the middle

Step-parenting is a complex dance

Putting it together

“Remember when” “ I always, you never”

Instead of keeping score, consider

“I can’t believe…”

“How could you be so…”

“If only you would….”

Instead of judging, consider

“It’s no problem…”

“I’ve always wanted that too…”

“I’ll always be there for you….”

Instead of rescuing, consider

“It’s your entire fault…”

“You’re not sorry…”

“If you were sorry you would….”

Instead of blaming, consider

“I thought you …

loved me/

were my friend/

cared about this company.”

Instead of demanding, consider

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Call Us: (855) 245-5433

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