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Archive for Emotions and Relationships

Fa-la-la-la-blah! Beating the Holiday Blues

Posted by 1-Stephanie Jordan on
 December 17, 2019
  · No Comments

The holiday season taunts itself as “the most wonderous time of the year,” but is it really? For some, the holidays are not always joyous and festive; rather, they are a challenging and emotional time of year for various reasons. An array of stressors, such as lack of time, financial worries, over-commercialization, and gift giving, along with the demands of parties, shopping, entertaining, and family get-togethers, may cause a wide range of emotions. These demands and stressors may produce feelings of sadness, depression, anxiety, loneliness, and grief during this time of year, commonly referred to as the “holiday blues.”

Below are a few questions for personal reflection with suggestions to help combat and balance the effects of “holiday blues.”

Gratitude or Grievance?

It depends on a person’s feelings and what they dread or welcome. On the one hand, feeling grateful, appreciating others, or showing kindness to one another seems easy and natural during this time of year. However, on the other hand, complaints, resentments, and gripes are also a real possibility. Consider these two questions:

  • What is one thing you are feeling in anticipation of the holiday?
  • What are you most/least looking forward to about this holiday?

Tip: One’s state of mind determines whether they feel gratitude or aggrieved. How a person makes meaning from what they anticipate will happen during the holiday season, whether positive or negative, can affect how they identify with and experience the holidays. Stay calm, gather your thoughts, and make a plan that will help minimize foreseeable challenges.

Dealing with disappointments

Alas, the best laid plans… Everyone has their own idea about what they want to happen during the holidays. Therefore, when things do not go as expected, misunderstandings and disappointment can result. Then what? Ponder this question:

  • What is one thing that you always hoped would happen but never does, and how are you going to handle it this year?

Tip: It is important to choose the right attitude and understand that, unfortunately, life is not perfect, and neither are the holidays. Try managing expectations to avoid feeling overly disappointed. Recognize mistakes are bound to happen, regardless of how well things are planned. Try not to expect people to change. Seek compromise whenever possible, find forgiveness, and simply let things be.

The true meaning of the holiday season

Over-commercialism tends to undermine the meaning of the holiday season. Year-after-year sensationalized Christmas TV commercials, along with Black Friday and Cyber Monday sales, can diminish the true spirit of Christmas. To keep perspective this Holiday season, reflect on this question:

  • This year I will remind myself the importance of ______.

Tip: Excessive commercialism can often spoil the true meaning of Christmas. Take time out to personally reflect on why Christmas is celebrated. Remember what is most important. Choose to hold on to these things during this holiday season.

While the holiday blues are a real phenomenon, remember these feelings are temporary. Take meaningful action to move through whatever emotions, attitude, and state-of-mind the season brings. Find ways to make Christmas a special day for the right reasons. Keeping context in perspective will help with finding gratitude and hope. Holding on to these things can help make the holiday’s the most wonderous time of the year.

Happy Holidays from the Fuller Life family!

Stephanie Jordan, LPC-Intern, Resident Therapist, Supervised by Amy Fuller PhD, LPC

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Gratitude, Grief, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management
Tags : Christmas, holiday blahs, holiday blues, holiday season, meaning of the Holiday, self care

Me Before You: What kind of relationship do you have?

Posted by 1-Lindsay Perry on
 December 9, 2018
  · 1 Comment

Since we can feel chemistry and passion so quickly and effortlessly for someone else, that means staying with that person should be easy, right? Except, most of us eventually feel a fading of that initial passion, chemistry, and excitement in a relationship. What do we have left after these feelings pass?

Happily ever after?

When the relationship hits trouble, we sometimes feel tricked, lied to, and wonder if we can make it work. We wonder if it will last. Then, we busy our minds with thoughts of what the other person is doing, why they do the things they do, and why they are the way they are. Our thoughts get us feeling stuck and defeated. We get so focused on the other person that we completely forget about ourselves. A great relationship with others starts with a great relationship with yourself.

When the relationship starts sinking

Having a relationship with yourself may sound like something that doesn’t make sense. In our culture, relationships carry so much weight and pressure that it sometimes feels as though we’re drowning in them. When we feel like we’re drowning, we look to our partner, our friend, or our family member to save us. Then, we get upset when they don’t save us. The difficult truth here is that they can’t. The people in our lives can support us, aid us, and love us.  What they cannot do is save us…especially from ourselves. This is the terrifying part. If they can’t save us, who can?

Do you know how to swim?

We can expedite the destruction of our relationships by expecting that others will keep us from drowning when they may be drowning just like we are. Coming up for air starts with ourselves. It starts with knowing and loving ourselves enough to confront and realize that we’ve been drowning in the shallow end of a pool because we didn’t know we had feet. If we don’t see that we have feet, we can’t stand up and support ourselves. We may look to anyone and everyone else to pull us out of the water and save us when we feel like we’re drowning. Expecting others to save us can cripple and destroy relationships, and take a toll on those around us.

What does this mean? First and foremost, it means to begin by seeing that we may be drowning. We need to see that we’re in the shallow end of our own pool. Then, we need to look down, see we have feet, and then believe that those feet will support us when we stand up. For healthy relationships, we need to see that we can support ourselves, and choose to love ourselves while choosing to love others.

What about you?

So how are you loving yourself today? We are human. There will be mistakes and we will fall down. We worry and we expect. We have flaws and pitfalls, but we don’t have to become these things. As humans, we are more than the things we don’t like about ourselves. We are also our strengths, capabilities, and talents. We are all of these things combined and we are worth loving all of these things together; the good and the bad. While it may not be as easy as automatically loving ourselves, we can choose daily to be kind and open to who and where we are. We are worth being loved by others, and we are worth being loved by ourselves. In our worthiness, we can choose love daily.

For more content on relationships and self-love, follow the links below:

  • (2015, November 17). Skills for healthy romantic relationships: Joanne Davila [Video file].
  • Skills for Healthy Romantic Relationships

    By Joanne Davila

  • Finding Love: How to love yourself first
  • You have to love yourself before you can love someone else

Contributed by Lindsay Perry, M.Ed, LPC Intern #79863

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

 

 

Categories : Boundaries, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Sticky
Tags : couples, emotions and relationships, growth, marriage, relationship, self-awareness

Stopping the Defensiveness Dance in Your Relationship

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 July 31, 2018
  · No Comments

Are you stuck in a relationship where both of you are very defensive?  If so, you know moving closer is difficult because before you must maneuver around a series of walls.

How can you move forward? Many people have found success by learning to overcome the inevitable difficulties that come with the natural defensiveness that occurs in relationships.

What’s Happening in Real Time?

  • Ensure your focus has a here-and-now orientation. You can avoid the pitfalls of either of you drudging up the past by keeping to the present. Also, it is a good idea to commit to addressing criticisms when they occur, instead of out of context and as a weapon.
  • Healthy confrontation involves a degree of humility. Taking a superior position or a one-up position opens the door for attack and closes the door to fulfilling relationship. Nobel Prize winning philosopher, Martin Buber, refers to this positioning as an I-It relationship. In this form of  relationship, one person objectifies the other to serve the interest of the individual. In contrast, he discusses an I-Thou relationship in which both meet one another in their authentic existence with respect.
  • Make sure you demonstrate a genuine interest in the other. In each encounter, find ways to help the relationship win. Ask questions or offer feedback indicating you understand the other.  If you do not, you will perceive each confrontation as an attack, instead as an opportunity.

What’s Predictable?

  • It makes sense to know the “music” that you and your spouse “dance” to. Reflect on when the “tune” starts and what words, phrases,  looks, or topics seem to put you in lockstep.  Given your usual  pattern of conflict, you can prepare yourself by expecting a reaction  like blame, “legitimate” excuses, or a distortion/ exaggeration of your point. Take time to consider how helpful your former reactions have been and focus on the better ways you’ve responded in the past.  Then, choose to take a deep breath, refuse to fight back, and look to respond in a way that values both yourself and your relationship.

Remember,  you can only change yourself. It’s a lesson to be learned over and over.  As unsettling as this can be, a commitment to changing and accepting yourself offers liberation. While not always obvious, defensiveness needs a partner. Indeed, the very cycle of attack invites the other to defend with a counterattack. By changing the way you dance, however, you free yourself from these patterns. Defensiveness implies a need to be protected. The best protection you can give yourself and your spouse is knowing that you are strong and brave enough to respond rather than react.

References

Conley, R. (2014, June 29). Defensiveness Is Killing Your Relationships – How To Recognize It and What To Do About It. Retrieved from https://leadingwithtrust.com/2014/06/29/your-defensiveness-is-killing-your-relationships/

Gunther, R. (2017, May 17). En Guarde-How Defensiveness Can Destroy Love. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rediscovering-love/201705/en-guarde-how-defensiveness-can-destroy-love

Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Relationships
Tags : anger, anger management, boundaries, Communication, conflict, couples, defensiveness, emotions, relationships

How to Talk to Your Kids about Divorce 

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 September 11, 2017
  · No Comments

Going through a separation or divorce can be a painful and confusing time for many. It can be especially difficult when there are children involved. As a parent, you may be concerned about when is the best time to have a conversation with your children and what information to share – or not to share 

Planning for the conversation 

Dr. Herrick, psychotherapist, recommends telling your children 2 to 3 weeks before the separation. In an ideal situation, both parents will be present for the conversation. If this is not possible, it is important for the parent present to not speak poorly of the parent who is absent to ensure that the child does not feel pressured to take sides Once a general timeline has been set, it is time to decide on the logistics of where and when the conversation will take place. According to a research study done by Heather Westberg, the memory of this conversation, and how they were first told, sticks with children. It is important to spend some time thinking about the environment in which to talk with your children. For example, selecting a quiet, neutral location during a time of day when you will have some uninterrupted time together is best.  

Rules of engagement during the conversation 

After preparing the environment, comes the weighty task of actually having the conversation. Here are a few pointers to keep in mind while talking with your child…  

1. Present as a united front.  

Be respectful of one another and make it clear that while the both of you may disagree on various things, you do agree on doing what is best for your children.

2. Keep it simple and honest. 

Do not share more information than the children need to know (e.g., financial arrangements, the details of your disagreements), but answer your children’s questions honestly when they ask difficult questions like, “What does divorce mean?” “Why are you leaving each other?” 

3. Share the plan going forward. 

Share with your children some of the major changes that will be happening. How long until mom or dad moves out? Where will the children be staying? What school will they attend? How often will they see each parent?  Also be sure to reassure your children on things that will remain the same (e.g., school, neighborhood, Sunday dinners at Grandma’s, etc. ) 

4. Emphasize that this is your decision. 

Make sure your children know that separation or divorce is not their fault and has nothing to do with them. Nothing they can do – good or bad, will influence the decision.  

5. Stay true to your word. 

In your conversation, make sure your children hear how much you love them. After the conversation, keep your word in showing your love to your children by spending time with them, encouraging them, showing affection and acting in their best interests.  

6. Be prepared for unexpected reactions. 

Your child may respond in a number of ways – anger, confusion, sadness, relief, or they may even appear not to respond at all. Rather than pushing your child to feel differently (i.e. “look at the bright side!”), remain curious and accepting of what they are feeling. Let your child know that it is okay to be sad, angry, confused, or relieved.  Help them find healthful ways to share and express these feelings (e.g. drawing, journaling, being active, talking…)

Many parents are, understandably, concerned about how their child will cope with separation or divorce. While this will likely be a challenging time for both parents and children, ensuring that your children know they can come to you with their questions and feelings will help them through the process. For more resources on how to support your child through the divorce process, check out our ScoopIt! Page. 

 

 

 

Resources 

http://lisaherrick.com/separation-and-divorce-work/guide-to-telling-the-children-about-the-divorce/ 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-older-dad/201105/mom-and-dad-have-something-tell-you-six-tips-talking-kids-about-divorce 

 

 

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Parenting
Tags : children of divorce, divorce, separation

When Caring Hurts: Preventing Caregiver Burnout

Posted by FullerLife on
 August 1, 2017
  · No Comments

You are dependable and loyal. You take family seriously and honor those around you who are unable to care for themselves. So you have found yourself in the position of caring for an elderly parent grandparent or chronically ill or disabled loved one who requires constant care. Sometimes it feels like it is just too much for one person to bear. You may feel that no one else is there to carry the burden but you. However, not reaching out for help can lead to harmful results. 

The Numbers Don’t Lie 

The United States is home to over 44 million unpaid caregivers. The numbers will continue to grow as the population of baby boomers continues to age. The prevalence of spectrum disorders, like autism, has increased in America by 30 percent in recent years. Many disorders can limit the ability of people to function independently. These situations may create a need for family members to step up when care facilities seem like an unwanted or unfeasible option. But what effect does the caregiving lifestyle have on the caregiver? 

Signs of Trouble 

Fatigue and sleep deprivation when caring for a loved one are common. Fatigue can make a caregiver more vulnerable to physical, emotional or mental illnesses themselves. This can be due to a combination of physical obligations of providing care around the clock to the worry and stress that can accompany the responsibility of maintaining someone else’s welfare. Oftentimes, caregivers are not only responsible for the elderly parent or disabled family relative. They are parents, husbands and wives as well, further adding to their load.  

You may notice that you, or the caregiver in your life, has become increasingly irritable, anxious or angry lately. A prolonged state of fatigue and stress puts caregivers at risk for diabetes, addictions, increased sensitivity to pain and infections. If you see signs of depression, such as feelings of hopelessness or helplessness, loss of interest in other activities, social withdrawal, find help. That is a clear sign that it is time for intervention.  

In difficult circumstances, some caretakers may appear disoriented, erratic and/or highly emotional. Let extreme changes in mood, behaviors or routine be a signal to you that something is wrong. 

Caring for the Caregiver 

If any of this sounds familiar, please take the necessary steps. As a caregiver, know that reaching out for help and taking care of yourself are just as important to your role as a caregiver as the caregiving itself. If you know someone who is responsible for a loved one’s wellbeing and is exhibiting signs of burnout, lend a helping hand. Here are some steps that you can take: 

  • Self-assess. Take a moment to do personal inventory. If your energy levels have been low and your patience thin, admit it to yourself. That is the only way to begin the process of improving your situation. 
  • Take a break. If you do not have to, don’t go it alone. Ask friends or family members to stay over a couple nights a week so that you can get a full night’s rest. See if they can watch your loved for a couple of hours during the day while you take some personal time. If there is no one available, take advantage of some of the caregiver resources (found below) that can assist you. 
  • Be mindful. Include a mindfulness, mediation or prayer practice in your day. This serves to increase your self-awareness and promotes relaxation while you are awake. Fifteen minutes can make a world of difference. 
  • Find support. As a caregiver, you might be too busy to know that there is help available to you, even if you feel like you are all alone. Please check out the following resources:  
    • AARP CareConnection
    • National Alliance for Caregiving

Want to see if you or someone you love is battling caregiver burnout, take this short quiz: 

https://www.caring.com/articles/caregiver-burnout-quiz 

 

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Covid-19, Depression, Emotions and Relationships, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Stress Management, transitions
Tags : anxiety & panic, counseling, depression, emotions and relationships, mental health, self-awareness, self-care practices, stress management, Transitions

Get Better at Sex and Get Better at Life

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 January 7, 2017
  · No Comments

Our sexuality is something innate to all of us. It can develop in complexity and variety as we mature. As we age, we engage in different types of relationships, and if we are lucky, we learn new things, and gain greater insight into who we are and what we like sexually.  A lot of us make the mistake of thinking that being in a committed relationship means we stop growing sexually because we are limited to one partner. However, the opposite can be true. Being in a committed relationship can  be very challenging and can push us towards growth in various ways. These three tips can challenge you to grow and develop your own sexuality, while at the same time help bring novelty to your sexual relationship.

Be Daring

A vast majority of us can perhaps admit to having secret sexual desires that we would not dare share with the people we are in relationships, perhaps out of fear of judgment or our own insecurities. Whatever the case may be,  we may not realize that when we hide our desires and our true colors out of insecurities and fears, we are limiting ourselves in sex lives and the sex life of our partners. When you dare to try something new like using a sex toy for the first time or simply being able to speak your mind about how you like to have sex, you are challenging yourself and at the same time showing your partner a more daring side of you. It requires strength and maturity to show your partner who you are and what you are about between the sheets. Daring to be bold in the bedroom can enhance maturity and confidence, and at the same time turn up the heat in your relationship. The next time you have sex, dare to ask for a new position you’ve been thinking about, or buy a new sex toy you may want to play with. For more tips on how to be more daring and courageous in your sex life check out this talk with host Dr. Cory Allan.

 Incorporate Playfulness

As mentioned previously, many of us have secret fantasies that we wish our partner would play out with us, but are afraid of what the other will think or we doubt our own sexuality and sensuality. Dare to add some novelty and spice in your relationship by perhaps taking a few hours on a weekend to reenact a secret wish that you or your partner may have. This may look like dressing up in sensual clothing, trying role play or could even being risky by using accessories like fuzzy handcuffs. Whatever tickles your fancy, challenge yourself by engaging with your partner in a playful manner, and remember it’s okay if your partner doesn’t want to play at that time, there is merit in taking risks. For creative role playing ideas and more visit Cosmopolitan.

Increase Intimacy

Sometimes sex in committed relationships can lack a sense of connectedness and intimacy. The reasons for this can vary, however,  increasing intimacy through sex in relationships can bring changes and move people towards more meaningful and deeper ways of connecting. One “simple” yet challenging way of connecting with one’s partner is through eyes open sex as described by   Sex is something that people engage in on a regular basis, but how many of those people are actually courageous enough to look into their partner’s eyes during intercourse?  According to Dr. Schnarch’s book Passionate Marriage, only about 30% of couples have their eyes open during sex. It can take courage and strength to try something new in the bedroom. Change starts with one person, so if your partner does not want to participate in eyes open sex, keep in mind that you can still keep your eyes open and see what you experience. For a more detailed description of eyes open sex, visit Dr. Schnarch and Dr. Morehouse’s website.

Sex is one of the most growth-promoting and enjoyable aspects of human nature, dare to try any one of these ideas to see how you and your partner can and move towards personal growth all the while adding more novelty in your sex life. For more ideas and resources for sexuality and relationships visit Dr. Amy Fuller’s website.

Resources

Dr. Cory Allan’s page: http://simplemarriage.net/podcast/sexual-courage/

Dr. David Schnarch and Dr. Ruth Morehouse’s pages: http://crucibletherapy.com/six-tips-creating-more-passionate-relationship http://passionatemarriage.com

Roleplay ideas: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a5143/tips-on-role-playing-first-time/

Other sex blog: http://amyfullerphd.com/blog/sex-therapy/

 

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Lifestyle, Marriage, Relationships
Tags : marriage, relationships. couples, sex

Lessons on Materialism as Told by Rock ‘n’ Roll Legends

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 July 20, 2016
  · No Comments

We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with images of celebrities and their flawless bodies, luxurious homes, the latest fashion trends, and the coolest gadgets. In the midst of all of these things it can be easy to be swayed towards the belief that we are supposed to live our lives according to the standards that society sets for us. Consider the following questions:

  • Do you believe that you would be happier if you just had more money?
  • Do you envy those who have nicer belongings than you do?
  • Do you and your partner worry about accumulating wealth and assets?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider whether you are placing a high level of importance on acquiring wealth, and if so, what potential side effects this type of thinking may have on your life and relationships.

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

The Rolling Stones may have been on to something when they wrote I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, referring to not being satisfied by material things despite trying. Interestingly, according to Carolyn Gregorie of The Huffington Post, Americans have more cars and eat out more than they did roughly 50 years ago. However, despite having more, Americans are still not happier. Research has found that, although the levels of consumption have risen in the past 50 years, Americans’ overall wellbeing has declined.

You may be asking yourself, “Why does this all matter?” Well, if you believe that the solution to your problems is having more, you may want to take note that research has found having more does not necessarily mean you will be happier. In fact, it has found that those who work towards accumulating wealth and assets have a tendency to experience less positive emotions throughout their day and are less satisfied than those who do not pursue wealth.

Money Talks

In AC/DC’s popular song, Money Talks, part of the chorus says “Come on, come on, love me for the money,” as if having large amounts of money can make someone fall in love with you. Interestingly, research has shown that individuals who are materialistic may find themselves in unhappy relationships compared to those who do not place importance on their belongings and the acquisition of more. Jason Carroll, professor of family life at Brigham Young University found this is true for all income classes. Additionally, his study found that the least satisfying marriages were those in which both partners placed great importance on their possessions.

Carroll and his research team developed theories as to how materialism can affect a relationship, and they believe that it could be that those couples who spend more time focusing on accumulating wealth spend less time working on strengthening their relationship. Another theory that Carroll and his team considered was that reckless spending habits caused couples to have more stress and more discussions. Therefore they were more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationship.

Welcome to the Hotel California

The Eagles give their listeners a glimpse into the powerful trap of materialism in their popular song, Hotel California. The lyrics of the song paint a picture of a man caught in the life of luxury at the Hotel California, only to realize too late that he and everyone there “are all just prisoners… of [their] own device.” As if the effects of materialism listed above were not worrisome enough, studies have found that individuals who are materialistic are also more insecure, anxious, and depressed than those individuals who are not materialistic.

In a different study, psychologist Galen V. Bodenhausen and his team of researchers found that students who were exposed to images of luxury items and words compared to students who were exposed to nature scenes, rated themselves higher in anxiety and depression than the other students. This research is important because it indicates that people who have a mind frame of materialism may have higher levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to those individuals who do not.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

We live in a society that applies a great deal of pressure on its consumers to have more in order to be “happy.” We have been led to believe that satisfaction will come from collecting material things. However, this way of thinking does not guarantee happiness, stable relationships, or a reduction in anxiety and depression. In fact, being materialistic seems to provide the complete opposite by leading to less satisfaction, strained relationships, and higher levels of anxiety and depression.

If living the life of a rock ‘n’ roll star is not the way towards a life of happiness and fulfillment, then how do you find satisfaction? Perhaps it might be found in engaging in the opposite of materialism, gratitude. Recent studies on happiness suggest that having deep feelings of gratitude beyond good manners could contribute largely to our happiness. With all of this in mind, just remember the wise words of Axl Rose, ” nothin’ lasts forever, even cold November rain.”

 

 

Manet  Castaneda

Practicum Student Therapist

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

Manet Headshot 

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform. 

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : cognitive reframing, counseling, couples, depression, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, gratitude, marriage, mental health, mindfulness practice, Problem Solving, relationships, self-esteem, stress manage, stress management

Feel the Fire: Embracing Conflict

Posted by Shani Bell on
 June 21, 2016
  · No Comments

Many articles about conflict focus on the resolution process as the savior of personal and business relationships. But let’s discuss the benefits of mentally embracing the conflict, itself. A common belief is that conflict indicates a breakdown in the relationship. But the reality is that wrestling successfully with conflict can serve to strengthen the relationship as well as each individual’s character and sense of self.

Back to the Fire

Are you one of many people that say, “I hate conflict”? Then you know what it is like to dodge potentially incendiary conversations by putting on a good face in order to keep the peace. You find yourself agreeing to disagree before the subject of disagreement is even thoroughly presented. Maybe you put an end to the conversation, or even the entire relationship, at the slightest hint of a differing perspective. But what sort of relationship can only exist if everyone thinks the exact same way all of the time? And how effective is a partnership where you can only discuss the topics on which you agree? It is time to stop taking a fearful approach to conflict and avoiding deeper issues brewing underneath surface.

According to Michael Batshaw, LCSW and author of 51 Things You Should Know Before Getting Engaged, “…conflict isn’t going to end the relationship, it’s avoiding the conflict [that might].” So there’s good reason to embrace interpersonal conflict. If managed well, the results can be more openness towards differing opinions, beliefs and values, increased cohesion, and greater authenticity.

Instead of turning your back to the fire, encourage yourself to go back into the fire! Do this by challenging your view of what a disagreement means.

  • For one, disagreement does not necessarily indicate relational incompatibility. It simply means that you and your friend, partner, spouse or family member are two different people with differing experiences, interests and personalities. Imagine that!
  • Additionally, the objective of engaging in the conflict is NOT to win. When disagreements are based on two subjective opinions, you would be hard-pressed to find a winner. Rather, you are seeking to be your most honest self in the relationship, to learn to accept differences and to find resolution.
  • They are not the enemy. When you fight to win, you make the other person the enemy. Instead of sharing ideas, you gather ammunition. Perceiving your partner or loved one in this manner is a sure-fire way to invite greater problems into the conflict.
  • Conflict creates opportunity. When people are honest about who they are and what they think, and are willing for the other do the same, they open themselves to see the world from a different perspective. Being open to another viewpoint does not require you to agree, but it does challenge you to widen your lens. You also get the chance to explore creative problem solving.

The Fire Within

Relationships are only one way to embrace conflict. You do not always (necessarily) need to step outside of yourself to encounter a struggle. At various points in life, each of us will experience inner conflict. It can have its benefits as well. Read more about this topic in the follow-up to this blog, Inner Conflict: Harnessing the Fire Within.

After embracing the conflict, it is still vitally important to address it in a healthy manner that leads to resolution and personal and relational growth.

If you need help with conflict resolution (either internal or external), contact Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute.

Shani Bell Headshot Fuller Life

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

References

Seltzer, L. F. (2010). Can you and your partner agree to disagree?: Expert advice on why we hate disagreemet and how to live with it. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201009/can-you-and-your-partner-agree-disagree

Tartakovsky, M. (2016). How conflict can improve your relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved from http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-conflict-can-improve-your-relationship/

Tomkins, T. C. & Rogers, K. S. (2004). Using conflict to your advantage: Butting heads is not always bad. Graziado Business Review, 7(1). Retrieved from https://gbr.pepperdine.edu/2010/08/using-conflict-to-your-advantage/

What kinds of issues are addressed: Intensive therapy addresses critical issues. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://crucibletherapy.com/crucible-intensive-therapy-kinds-issues

 

Categories : Communication, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Problem Solving, Relationships
Tags : Communication, emotions and relationships, Problem Solving, relationships

Infidelity: the natural disaster you can survive

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 December 3, 2015
  · 1 Comment

An affair can be earth shattering. It is normal to feel angry, rejected, isolated and alone. It often invites a myriad of questions along with the immediate urge to do something. How could this happen? Did my spouse ever really love me? How could this person break my trust like this? How do I move past this? How can this be fixed? Strong emotions of rage, hurt, fear, and betrayal settle in and you don’t know what to do.

For an event so traumatic and devastating, it is alarming how commonplace infidelity has become. Depending on the source and its definition of infidelity, affairs affect anywhere between 20-25% to 70-75% of couples. You are not alone and can move on. However, while it may be common, the effect and meaning the affair has on each person is unique, and figuring out what to do next can be difficult.

What Can I Do?

  1. Give yourself time. Free yourself from making an immediate decision. The time will come for a decision to be made but in the present recognize the swirling emotions of hurt, anger, frustration, fear and grief. Rash decisions often come from acting out of strong emotion, so learn to sit with them and understand those feelings.
  1. Use this time to take care of yourself. There are other areas of your life requiring your attention. Losing something valuable in one area does not mean you’ve lost everything. Don’t lose yourself in the process. Care for your own needs and the needs of your children. Eat nutritionally and exercise. Notice your work performance. As much as possible, stay involved in your usual activities and hobbies. They will provide a needed sense of stability in such a tumultuous time. Here is a checklist for self-care.
  1. Communicate with your partner.
    • Take a timeout – Implement a specified period of time during which no terminal decisions will be made about the relationship. The time frame will vary depending on the nature of the infidelity and the needs of each partner. Taking a time out can help you visualize both individually and collectively and carefully consider options. It may be helpful to seek the help of a couples’ counselor to prevent premature or overly emotional decisions.
    • Create stability – Maintain a routine. Have a conversation about how household tasks will be performed, how children will be co-parented and determine if meals will be shared. Starting these conversations will help make life more predictable before any major decisions are made.
    • Establish boundaries –
      1. Determine whether the situation calls for separate living arrangements – especially if the relationship has become volatile.
      2. Discuss when and what aspects of the affair will be discussed. This helps decrease conflict and provides space to process your thoughts and feelings, along with those of your spouse.
      3. Take time to specifically discuss with your spouse who else will know about the situation and which details may be shared. It may also be helpful to discuss how to present yourselves to others unaware of the circumstances.
  1. Practice hope – Consider the events of the past that have made you stronger. Often, these are the difficult and trying things. Many wonder if they will survive after something as devastating as an affair. Years later, many have learned to live more authentic lives with their spouses or with themselves in another relationship. It won’t happen overnight, but you will get through this. Take it one day at a time.

 

 

References

Baucom, D. & Snyder, D. (2009). Helping couples get past the affair: A clinician’s guide. New York: Guilford Press.

Marriage Advocates. (2013, October 22). What should I do when my spouse is having an affair? Retrieved from: http://www.marriageadvocates.com/2013/10/22/what-should-i-do-when-my-spouse-is-having-an-affair/

 

Angela E Blocker Image

 

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFTA

Supervised under Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Boundaries, Communication, Counseling, Couples, Divorce, Emotions and Relationships, Infidelity, Marriage, Relationships
Tags : acceptance, adultery, Communication, couples, Infidelity, relationships
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