Gratitude :: Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Archive for Gratitude

Lessons on Materialism as Told by Rock ‘n’ Roll Legends

July 20, 2016

We live in a world in which we are constantly bombarded with images of celebrities and their flawless bodies, luxurious homes, the latest fashion trends, and the coolest gadgets. In the midst of all of these things it can be easy to be swayed towards the belief that we are supposed to live our lives according to the standards that society sets for us. Consider the following questions:

Do you believe that you would be happier if you just had more money?
Do you envy those who have nicer belongings than you do?
Do you and your partner worry about accumulating wealth and assets?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you may want to consider whether you are placing a high level of importance on acquiring wealth, and if so, what potential side effects this type of thinking may have on your life and relationships.

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction

The Rolling Stones may have been on to something when they wrote I Can’t Get No Satisfaction, referring to not being satisfied by material things despite trying. Interestingly, according to Carolyn Gregorie of The Huffington Post, Americans have more cars and eat out more than they did roughly 50 years ago. However, despite having more, Americans are still not happier. Research has found that, although the levels of consumption have risen in the past 50 years, Americans’ overall wellbeing has declined.

You may be asking yourself, “Why does this all matter?” Well, if you believe that the solution to your problems is having more, you may want to take note that research has found having more does not necessarily mean you will be happier. In fact, it has found that those who work towards accumulating wealth and assets have a tendency to experience less positive emotions throughout their day and are less satisfied than those who do not pursue wealth.

Money Talks

In AC/DC’s popular song, Money Talks, part of the chorus says “Come on, come on, love me for the money,” as if having large amounts of money can make someone fall in love with you. Interestingly, research has shown that individuals who are materialistic may find themselves in unhappy relationships compared to those who do not place importance on their belongings and the acquisition of more. Jason Carroll, professor of family life at Brigham Young University found this is true for all income classes. Additionally, his study found that the least satisfying marriages were those in which both partners placed great importance on their possessions.

Carroll and his research team developed theories as to how materialism can affect a relationship, and they believe that it could be that those couples who spend more time focusing on accumulating wealth spend less time working on strengthening their relationship. Another theory that Carroll and his team considered was that reckless spending habits caused couples to have more stress and more discussions. Therefore they were more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationship.

Welcome to the Hotel California

The Eagles give their listeners a glimpse into the powerful trap of materialism in their popular song, Hotel California. The lyrics of the song paint a picture of a man caught in the life of luxury at the Hotel California, only to realize too late that he and everyone there “are all just prisoners… of [their] own device.” As if the effects of materialism listed above were not worrisome enough, studies have found that individuals who are materialistic are also more insecure, anxious, and depressed than those individuals who are not materialistic.

In a different study, psychologist Galen V. Bodenhausen and his team of researchers found that students who were exposed to images of luxury items and words compared to students who were exposed to nature scenes, rated themselves higher in anxiety and depression than the other students. This research is important because it indicates that people who have a mind frame of materialism may have higher levels of depression and anxiety as opposed to those individuals who do not.

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

We live in a society that applies a great deal of pressure on its consumers to have more in order to be “happy.” We have been led to believe that satisfaction will come from collecting material things. However, this way of thinking does not guarantee happiness, stable relationships, or a reduction in anxiety and depression. In fact, being materialistic seems to provide the complete opposite by leading to less satisfaction, strained relationships, and higher levels of anxiety and depression.

If living the life of a rock ‘n’ roll star is not the way towards a life of happiness and fulfillment, then how do you find satisfaction? Perhaps it might be found in engaging in the opposite of materialism, gratitude. Recent studies on happiness suggest that having deep feelings of gratitude beyond good manners could contribute largely to our happiness. With all of this in mind, just remember the wise words of Axl Rose, ” nothin’ lasts forever, even cold November rain.”

Manet Castaneda

Practicum Student Therapist

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

To schedule an appointment please contact me by email at Manet@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org, by phone at (832) 981-7690, or through our webform.

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Sticky, Stress Management

Tags : cognitive reframing, counseling, couples, depression, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, gratitude, marriage, mental health, mindfulness practice, Problem Solving, relationships, self-esteem, stress manage, stress management

How to Feel Your Way to A Healthier Body

Posted by Manet Castaneda on

February 15, 2016

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Feel Your Way to a Healthier Body

How do our emotions affect our bodies? Do the ways in which we deal with those emotions matter? Some researchers say our emotions can either be beneficial or detrimental to our overall wellbeing.

Conventional medicine has taught us that illnesses are usually the result of our bodies aging, the environment around us, or our unhealthy life choices. If you find yourself losing your hearing it is most likely related to getting older. If you have an upset stomach then a virus or something you ate is probably the culprit. However, what conventional medicine rarely tells us is that tending to our emotions can have a positive impact on our health and improve our overall life satisfaction.

Is it possible to feel your way to a healthier life? According to several studies, by taking care of your emotions in healthy ways, you can improve your health and wellbeing. A few of the ways in which you can care for your emotional wellbeing are by, practicing gratitude, engaging in laughter, and expressing your emotions in healthy ways.

Practice Gratitude

Dr. Amit Sood, a professor of medicine at the Mayo Clinic, noticed that the patients who practiced gratitude, despite their illness, were able to recover at a faster rate than those patients who did not practice gratitude. Interestingly, Dr. Rollin McCraty of the Institute of Heart Math, found that feelings of gratitude could produce oxytocin in our brains, which can then reduce stress and help our nervous system relaxed. When our nervous system is relaxed, it allows the increase of oxygen to travel to the tissues of our body, which can enhance the healing process. For more tips on how to practice gratitude, consider watching Dr. Amit Sood’s video on the Five Depths of Gratitude.

Laugh a Little

Researchers at the University of Maryland Medical Center found that when people engaged in laughter it could reduce their risk of a heart attack due to the reduction in stress levels. Additionally, Dr. Lee Ber of Loma Linda University found that laughing could produce human growth hormones that can aid in cellular repair. So, if you find yourself feeling sad, ill, or simply wishing to improve your overall well being, try watching a funny movie, or reading a few jokes in order to help your body heal. If you are having trouble finding something to laugh about, take a look at this Ted Talk by Ida Abdalkhani on how to become happier in five minutes.

Express Yourself

When emotions are bottled up with no way to express them, they can be dangerous to your health. Researchers at Michigan found that when emotions are suppressed, the risk for a heart attack increases significantly. In a different study, researchers found that repressing emotions, particularly anger can be linked to cancer, and that the survival rate of breast cancer survivors who expressed their anger in healthy ways doubled compared to those who held on to their anger. That being said, it is important to learn to express your emotions in healthy ways, in order to improve your health. Some of the ways that can be done is through journaling, drawing, painting, yoga, or talking to a professional. For more ideas on how to express your emotions in a healthy way, take a look at this post by Dr. Shelly Carson.

Feel Better Inside and Out

We are designed to feel a range of emotions, both positive and negative. How we choose to deal with emotions can improve our well being or cripple it. As you go about your daily life, find time to notice your emotions and create moments in which you can address them in healthy ways: by being grateful, laughing, or expressing them in creative ways. Once you begin to do this, you will notice a shift, not only in your emotional health, but also in your physical health.

References

Abdalkhani, I. (2015, March 15). Happier in 5 Minutes | Ida Abdalkhani | TEDxOhioStateUniversity. Retrieved February 12, 2016, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HJG63EXCmw

Anastasia Stephens, A. (2011, August 24). The link between emotions and health. Retrieved February 11, 2016, from https://www.psychologies.co.uk/self/the-link-between-emotions-and-health.html

Beck, J. (2015, November 18). How to Get Better at Expressing Emotions. Retrieved February 11, 2016, from http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/11/how-to-get-better-at-expressing-emotions/416493/

Carson, S. (2012, February 21). Use Creativity to Combat Negative Emotions. Retrieved February 12, 2016, from http://www.shelleycarson.com/blog/use-creativity-to-combat-negative-emotions

Sood, A. (2015, October 24). Five Depths of Gratitude. Retrieved February 11, 2016, from https://youtu.be/bwPtJ6yjl8E

The Link Between Cancer and Unexpressed Anger. (2006). Retrieved February 12, 2016, from http://www.alternative-cancer-care.com/cancer-anger-link.html

Categories : Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Gratitude, Mental Health

Tags : emotions, expression, gratitude, happiness, healthy living, laughter, wellness

Self-Control: Why Willpower Doesn’t Work

Posted by JenniferChristian on

April 28, 2015

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Could it actually be possible to build up our self-control “muscles?” More “staying power” could make a big difference in so many areas. What if we could increase our ability to:

Say “no” to that last piece of pie.
Hold our temper a little longer.
Save some extra money instead of blowing it on the next cool gadget.
Study just a little longer when everyone else is outside having fun.

Why Willpower Comes Up Short

Have you noticed that willpower often comes up short? We tend to over-focus on the things we want to avoid. Here are a few simple examples:

For the next thirty seconds do not think about the imaginary pink elephant sitting in the corner of the room… really… stop thinking about the pink elephant. What happens? We cannot stop thinking about the pink elephant. The more we wrestle with ourselves to stop doing something, the more challenging it is to stop.
What if you decide to go on a diet and a coworker brings a box of gourmet donuts to the office? You work hard to resist the donuts throughout the entire day. However, your willpower is so taxed that you treat yourself to a large combo plate at your favorite Mexican restaurant. What a frustrating experience.
Let’s say that you decide to control your anger. You make a commitment to be kinder to your spouse at the end of each day when you get home from work. Unfortunately, the next workday is full of stressors: your boss yells at you, you miss lunch, and traffic is unbelievably frustrating. Then, you get home, and what happens? The commitment you made to yourself goes out the window and you end up angry with your spouse.

This is a common experience for many of us because willpower is limited. We create our goal, shore up our determination, eventually run out of steam, and end up falling short.

“Willpower, for all its merits, is full of holes. Maintaining it requires not only a good deal of effort but also a conducive environment… Seemingly irrelevant factors like being at home versus being at work, or even the need to make simple decisions unrelated to resisting temptation—(‘Should I wear a white shirt or a blue one?’)—can diminish self-control. The result? People whose willpower is taxed fail to resist about one out of every six temptations they face, even when they try using cognitive strategies to manage their ‘hot’ responses. Willpower appears to be quite finite in supply.” (David Desteno, September 15, 2014, Pacific Standard, The Science of Society).

Self-Control

If willpower and self-determination do not work, what does?

According to a recent review of lab experiments on self-control, four emotional characteristics were shown to boost our self-control (Desteno, 2014).

“These emotions— gratitude, compassion, authentic pride, and even guilt—work from the bottom up to shape decisions that favor the long-term. If we focus on instilling the capacity to experience these emotional states regularly, we’ll build resources that will automatically spring forth in reflexive and productive ways. In essence, we’ll give ourselves inoculations against temptation that, like antibodies in our bloodstream, will be ready and waiting to combat possible threats to our well-being.” (David Desteno, September 15, 2014, Pacific Standard, The Science of Society).

How Can I Cultivate These Emotions?

Over the past few months, Fuller Life has explored self-control and how to cultivate gratitude, compassion, guilt, and authentic pride. The articles collected here are full of information and resources. We hope they offer tools to develop perseverance and motivation to meet the important goals of your life.

There is no need to take on each of these characteristics all at once. You can choose one at a time to gently implement into your life. On average, it takes 66 days to create a new habit. When we slow down and allow ourselves time to create a new habit, the habit is more likely to take shape and become more natural.

When you build resources into yourself that increase self-control, you increase your ability to delay gratification. Check out this video about how delayed gratification is one of the greatest predictors of success in all that you do.

Fuller Life Family Therapy is here to support and encourage those on their journey toward a fuller life.

Desteno, D. (2014) A Feeling of Control: How America Can Finally Learn to Deal With Its Impulses. Pacific Standard, The Science of Society. (http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/feeling-control-america-can-finally-learn-deal-impulses-self-regulation-89456/)

Contributed by

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Addiction & Recovery, Adolescents & Children, Compassion, Counseling, Gratitude, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Gratitude Builds Self-Control

Posted by JenniferChristian on

November 4, 2014

Thanksgiving is almost here. And while this may seem an odd time to begin working on self-control, an active gratitude practice can help us stay focused and achieve our long-term hopes and dreams.

Just think of some of the potential benefits of gratitude:

Ability to say “No” to that last piece of pie.
Ability to hold our temper a little longer when in conflict with our spouse. (Does Gratitude Matter in Marriage?)
Ability to save some extra money instead of blowing it on the next cool gadget.
Ability to study just a little longer when everyone else is outside having fun.

Gratitude comes in handy. According to a recent compilation of lab experiments on self-control, four practices were shown to build our capacity for self control. These include gratitude, compassion, authentic pride, and guilt.

“The answer is to cultivate the right emotions, the prosocial ones, in daily life. These emotions— gratitude, compassion, authentic pride, and even guilt—work from the bottom up to shape decisions that favor the long-term. If we focus on instilling the capacity to experience these emotional states regularly, we’ll build resources that will automatically spring forth in reflexive and productive ways. In essence, we’ll give ourselves inoculations against temptation that, like antibodies in our bloodstream, will be ready and waiting to combat possible threats to our well-being.” (David Desteno, September 15, 2014, Pacific Standard, The Science of Society).

Ideas for Daily Gratitude Practice

A great way to create a gratitude habit is to spice it up with different types of gratitude practice. Feel free to choose two, three, or all of the exercises below to get started. Remember it takes sixty-six days to create a new habit, so these exercises may not come naturally in the beginning.

Say “Thank you” for the mundane. “Sometimes we get so used to our partner, our mama or our kids doing the things they’ve always done — making breakfast, taking the trash out, sending us surprise packages, dressing themselves in the morning — that we forget to appreciate these small gestures. Don’t take those tiny moments for granted! Start with a small, specific and frequent, “Thank you.” (Stratejoy: 9 New Ways to Practice Gratitude)
Gratitude Journal: At the end of each day write three things you are grateful for.
Share gratitude at the dinner table.
Designate a glass jar as “The Gratitude Jar.” Write blessings on strips of paper at the end of each day and add them to the jar.
Say “Thank You” to everyone who serves you throughout the day: the cashier, waiter, grocery store clerk, etc.
Share “three blessings” every day with loved ones, friends, or family members.
Write a letter of gratitude to someone. Then, take it to them and read it in person.
Turn off the electronics and challenge yourself to say “thank you” for as many things as possible during your walk or drive.
For 100 days take a picture of something you are grateful for and share it with friends and family via social media.
Practice a Gratitude Meditation at the beginning of each day.

Over the next few weeks, Fuller Life will explore the other practices that build self-control: compassion, authentic pride, and guilt. Until then, enjoy this incredibly beautiful and inspiring TED talk about Gratitude created by cinematographer, Louis Schwartzberg and David Stendl-Rast.

Louie Schwartzberg: Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

Nature’s beauty can be easily missed — but not through Louie Schwartzberg’s lens. His stunning time-lapse photography, accompanied by powerful words from Benedictine monk Brother David Steindl-Rast, serves as a meditation on being grateful for every day.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Gratitude, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Tags : gratitude, relationships, self-care practices, self-control

Resiliency: Learning to Thrive

Posted by JenniferChristian on

May 14, 2014

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Life is full of ups and downs, sunny days and stormy days, as well as strength and struggle. After a traumatic event or extended chronic crisis, we can experience burnout as our mental, emotional, and physical resources are worn down. Some people have a knack for bouncing back after facing adversity, while others fall apart.

What makes the difference?

Resilience. Siebert reports that, “highly resilient people are flexible, adapt to new circumstances quickly, and thrive in constant change. Most important, they expect to bounce back and feel confident that they will. They have a knack for creating good luck out of circumstances that many others see as bad luck.” (Siebert, 2005)

Resilience is commonly defined as the ability to become strong, healthy, or successful again after something bad happens. The good news is that anyone can add daily practices that will foster an ability to be resilient. We can add habits to our life that allow us to function and even eventually thrive after storms and struggle come our way.

One can explore all kinds of practices in an effort to build resilience. If these concept are new, try not to feel overwhelmed. Feel free to start small and build new habits over time. Below we have included four practices known to boost resilience: belief, acts of kindness, social support, and healthy habits.

Belief

One of the common traits of resilient people is that they believe they are resilient. When the human body reacts to stress (racing heart, sweat on brow, clammy hands, etc), it is actually doing a great job gearing up to meet an oncoming challenge. In other words, the body is designed to handle struggle. When we embrace our stress response as healthy, we boost our resilience. Kelly McGonigal’s TED talk addresses the power of our beliefs about stress, and our ability to recover and thrive after stressful events.

Kelly McGonigal: How To Make Stress Your Friend

Acts of Kindness

When we look for ways to treat others with kindness, we boost our resilience. Acts of kindness promote feelings of happiness and peace. The production of serotonin, a neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood and boosts feelings of well-being, is increased in the brain.

Our feelings of happiness and well-being also increase when we witness or receive kindness from others. Acts of kindness also create meaningful bonds with others, and reinforce positive emotions. When we receive kindness from others, we practice gratitude, another resilience boosting trait. Check out Oprah’s great list of ideas.

Social Support

Meaningful relationships with family and friends increase resilience. In Love Sense, Sue Johnson describes research as to how a close attachment bond with one’s spouse actually decreases one’s experience of pain. When we feel close emotionally with our partner, we are better able to handle painful experiences.

According to a recent article about the benefit of friendships in adulthood, “Our pain thresholds rise when we’re laughing with friends. Friendship helps ward off cognitive decline and having friends even strengthens the immune system.” Lissa Rankin adds that people with close social ties increase their lifespan by 2 ½ years, and experience lower rates of cancer. Close relationships with others help us know that we are not alone and give us the added boost we need to sustain us through difficult times.

Healthy Habits

Moderate exercise, balanced nutrition, and regular sleep habits also boost resilience. When we take care of our bodies, we build strength and stamina to weather potential storms. We are less fragile and less likely to slip into unhealthy coping patterns that can prove destructive to ourselves as well as those we care about. Exercises like yoga and walking also boost our mood, and are linked to reduced levels of depression and anxiety. Moreover, yoga is a common treatment for survivors of trauma.

Fuller Life’s Resilience Top Nine List

Over the past two years, Fuller Life has written extensively about resilient practices. Check out the links to these topics for more video footage and resources on gratitude, positive emotions, humor and play, healthy habits, and spiritual practices.

Belief
Acts of Kindness
Gratitude
Social Support
Positive Emotions
Laughter and Play
Healthy Habits
Spiritual Practices
Spend Time in Nature

Committed to Share Resilience

At Fuller Life we desire to journey alongside others in an effort to build resiliency and courageously move through struggles together. We share healing practices and continue sharing research that informs cultivating resilience.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Gratitude, Mindfulness Practice, Problem Solving, Self-Care Practices, Sticky

Tags : gratitude, resilience, self-care practices, stress management

Resolutions With Staying Power

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

January 14, 2014

A recent study pegged the top three resolutions of 2014 to be: lose weight, get organized, and spend less. The same study shows that only 8% of people are successful in achieving their goals. One reason these resolutions do not last may be that the changes are only surface level. Merely focusing on surface issues is somewhat like cleaning only a square foot of an entire room that needs tidying. As important as those immediate goals are, why not dig a little deeper into the more long-standing rhythms of life we have been living? The fourth most common resolution is to enjoy life to the fullest, yet so many of us struggle to know how that is done. Here are some simple guidelines to create lasting resolutions that tackle our whole, beautiful existence so we are able to truly enjoy life to the fullest (Statistic Brain, 2014).

Starting Off: Where do we still live in fear?

An excellent first step is to notice the areas where we are fearful in order to target tricky areas that need our attention. For instance, we may feel fear when thinking of our finances, relationships, specific habits or body image. This first step takes reflection and a tolerance for initial discomfort. However, the insight and awareness that we can attain by listening to our fears is invaluable, and thus takes priority. Beyond this, we can begin to address the different realms of life that intertwine to make a fuller life: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being.

Mental Well-Being: Never Stop Being a Student

Life never stops delivering its lessons, so we can refresh our perspective constantly by being a forever-student. We can learn from past mistakes, our relationships, or from our reflection. A wonderful guiding principle here is to always let what you learn challenge what you know. Other ideas include reading books not in your normal repertoire, attending a workshop or two that stretch your mind, or joining an academic circle that is out of your comfort zone. Have you always wondered about a particular profession or field of research? Clear a little time each week to get your feet wet, purely for the fun of it. We can even look to our relationships and challenge the status quo by making our interactions and responses more positive and encouraging. The best part is: this type of learning involves no grades!

Physical Well-Being: Balance Your Lifestyle

We have all heard it before: physical health rests on diet and exercise. In fact, we have heard it so many times, our minds are likely to tune out the message completely. However, if we can shift our perspective enough to see physical wellness more holistically – we can begin to feel freedom as we open up ourselves to more options for health. Diet and exercise are just two facets of a happy, balanced lifestyle. So don’t just exercise, engage in a fun, creative activity. Feel the joy of working muscles and a beating heart; feel the joy of each movement and breath. In addition, don’t just diet; eat lots of superfoods, and enjoy the effects it has on your body. And we do not have to stop there, we can look at how we spend our day. For one week, we can try logging how much time is spent on each activity. Chances are we might spot many areas of sedentary lifestyle plugged into our technology. Novelist Abha Dawesar asks the question: “Have our lives now become fixated on the drive to digitally connect, while we miss out on what’s real?” The frequent use of technology has powerful effects on our identity, lifestyle and overall wellbeing. The value of unplugging daily is crucial to our experience of a full life. Check out Dawesar’s whole lecture below for inspiring commentary on the role technology has in our life.

Spiritual Well-Being: Unleash Your Creative Spirit

There is more to unleashing our creative spirit than meets the eye. The process of expressing what lies within us is a validating experience that can open us up to so much life. Our initial responses to this task might be “I’m not creative” or “I’m too busy”. Each of us has an inner child and a playful spirit that needs to be expressed. A good first step is to loosen our ideas of what it means to be creative. Perhaps one person’s version of creativity involves creating a spreadsheet just for fun, while another’s involves writing a song about nonsense. Start small. Try taking a different route to work or shopping for groceries somewhere new. Build up creativity by encouraging play in your day which can further unlock your creative spirit. With regard to time, keep in mind that our busyness will never fully dissipate. Stress has a way of tricking us into feeling we need to complete everything all at once. If we can be reminded that this is an illusion, we will have greater ease in creating time for creativity. Creativity is essential to encountering the fullness of spiritual well-being.

Emotional Well-Being: “All You Need Is [Still] Love”

Marianne Williamson, celebrated author and lecturer, writes that the opposite of fear is love. “We have been brought up in a world that does not put love first, and where love is absent, fear sets in… It’s a terrible absence of what we need in order to survive” (Williamson, 2012, p. 22). We cannot underestimate the centering, transformative, purposing power of love in our daily lives. In each of our resolutions, perhaps we can include love; love for our bodies, love for our minds, love for those we share our lives with. Letting love grow into every small detail of our lives is perhaps the most paramount of steps to a fully enjoyed life. If it has been a while since we have felt love, we can start small by practicing gratitude. In all of these things, it is important to be compassionate and patient as we address these areas of our blessed lives. Try not to lose heart if results are not seen within the expected timeline. Deep, lasting change takes time and tends to be cyclical. So breathe… and take small steps daily towards truly enjoying life to the fullest. Good luck, and Happy New Year!

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Williamson, M. (2012). A return to love: Reflections on the principles of a course in miracles. New York, NY: HarperOne.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION STATISTICS – Statistic Brain. 2013 Statistic Brain Research Institute, publishing as Statistic Brain. JANUARY 1, 2014 http://www.statisticbrain.com/new-years-resolution-statistics/

Tags : anxiety, breath work, creativity, gratitude, physical well-being, self-care practices

The Power of Positive Emotions

Posted by JenniferChristian on

November 25, 2013

Wired for Danger

We have a natural tendency to focus on what goes wrong. Over thousands of years we have developed a built-in survival mechanism wired to detect danger. Our minds know that learning from negative experiences is a matter life or death. Our brains are like velcro for anything negative that crosses our path. This skill is important for our survival but also impacts our feelings. If focus only on negatives, we can become angry, anxious, or depressed.

On the other hand, positive or neutral experiences happen all the time each day, but have no bearing on whether we will live or die. Our brains are like teflon for the positive experiences. Something pleasant happens, it slides right off, and we continue through our day. What does this have to do with how we think, act, and feel?

Nourish the Brain

According to neuropsychologist, Rick Hanson, where we place our focus has the power to shape our brains.

If you rest your mind on self-criticism, worries, grumbling about others, hurts, and stress, then your brain will be shaped into greater reactivity, vulnerability to anxiety and depressed mood, a narrow focus on threats and losses, and inclinations toward anger, sadness and guilt. On the other hand, if you rest your mind on good events and conditions (someone was nice to you, or there’s a roof over your head), pleasant feelings, the things you do get done, physical pleasures, and your good intentions and qualities, then over time your brain will take on a different shape, one with strength and resilience hardwired into it, as well as a realistically optimistic outlook, a positive mood, and a sense of worth.

Hanson suggests that we have the power to build inner strength and resilience by focusing on positive experiences in such a way that our brains are reshaped to respond to life with more positive feelings, sense of calm, and confidence. He suggests that we literally “hold the good” for as long as 10-20 seconds each time we have a pleasant experience. In his new book, Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence, Hanson has a number of simple practices that have powerful benefits. He developed the HEAL exercise to build the positive centers of the brain and also decrease the negative charge of painful experiences, both past and present:

HEAL

“H: Have a positive experience:
- Notice a positive experience that’s already present in your awareness, such as a physical pleasure, a sense of determination, or feeling close to someone. Or create a positive experience for which you’re grateful, bring to mind a friend, or recognize a task you’ve completed. As much as you can, help ideas like these become emotionally rewarding experiences, otherwise it is merely positive thinking.
E: Enrich it:
- Stay with the positive experience for five to ten seconds or longer. Open to the feelings in it and try to sense it in your body; let it fill your mind. Enjoy it. Gently encourage the experience to be more intense. Find something fresh and novel about it. Recognize how it’s personally relevant, how it could nourish or help you, or make a difference in your life. Get those neurons really firing together, so they’ll really wire together.
Photograph by Becky EnVérité

A: Absorb it:
- Intend and sense that the experience is sinking into you as you sink into it. Let it really land in your mind. Perhaps visualize it sifting down into you like golden dust, or feel it washing you like a soothing balm. Or place it like a jewel in the treasure chest of your heart. Know that the experience is becoming part of you, a resource inside that you can take with you wherever you go.
L: Link positive and negative material (optional)
- While having a vivid and stable sense of a positive experience in the foreground of awareness, also be aware of something negative in the background. For example, when you feel included and liked these days, you could sense this experience making contact with feelings of loneliness from your past. If negative material hijacks your attention, drop it and focus only on the positive; when you feel recentered in the positive, you can let the negative also be present in awareness if you like. Whatever you want, let go of all negative material and rest only in the positive. Then, to continue uprooting the negative material, a few times over the next hour be aware of only neutral or positive material while also bringing to mind neutral things (e.g., people, situations, ideas) that have become associated with negative material.” (Hanson, 2013)

When we “hold the good,” we open our hearts to experience joy, and remind ourselves that each moment is our life.

Hanson, Rick, Ph.D. (2013). Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Anger Management, Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Depression, Gratitude, Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, The Human Brain

Tags : anger management, anxiety, depression, gratitude, mental health, parenting, relationships, Self-Care Practice

How to Declutter Our Relationships

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on

November 5, 2013

It seems we are living in the age of excess. Some call it the Information Age due to the seemingly limitless volume of information we can both learn about others and present about ourselves. There is a need to learn more, know more, talk more, acquire more, be more. Recent years seem to be characterized by a constant forward motion, fast-paced and infused with ambition and acquisition. And while we can be grateful for such a burgeoning age of life, our relationships can often get clogged with deprioritized issues that creep in and build silently. Patterns begin to develop in our relationships that leave us confused, and a little hurt. The good news is that there are some simple ways to tidy up those relationships, leaving more room for laughter, enjoyment and pure connection. Though these steps seem simple, they ask for something that is sometimes demanding: change. So if, on your journey to decluttering your relationships, you find that you need to reach for some outside help: keep in mind that Fuller Life Family Therapists are at the ready to be your loving guides!

Know yourself

One of the fastest ways to put your therapist out of business is to know yourself, through and through, because that’s half the battle. We are often mysteries unto ourselves, and the act of spending insightful time with ourselves is invaluable. As we build self-understanding, we’re able to claim greater freedom and clarity in our relationships. So start a journal, practice greater self-awareness in your interactions, and make time for self-reflection. In doing so, we can begin to see our strengths, weaknesses, quirks, needs and desires all the more clearly. Knowing ourselves is similar to looking at the room we have decided to tidy: We can’t bring order to the clutter until we first see the room for what it is.

Practice compassion.

When tackling clutter and mess, we can quickly grow hard on ourselves and others. The same can hold true when we begin tackling our relationships. One of the most powerful tools we can have at our disposal when doing this is compassion, both for ourselves and our relationships. Pema Chödrön writes about compassion, saying: “Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden us into resistance” (Chödrön, 2002). So as you uncover those messier areas of your relationships, remember to show compassion towards yourself and those you love. What we can hold onto is that we are worthy of love and connection, no matter what shade or color we find ourselves living in for the day.

Don’t forget to dream-build!

In any legitimate decluttering task, we have to have a plan for what we desire our space to be like. In the same way, we can get in touch with how we wish our relationships to look. An obvious caution to this tip is to stay grounded and connected to reality, so as to keep our vision within reasonable reach. However, we can enjoy the process of journeying into our very unique vision for ourselves and our relationships. One way to start is to begin making a list of what values you’d like to embody, and experience in your relationships. For example, “Connection, patience, laughter, peace, intimacy.” When you’re ready, return to your lists to build your vision into statements, such as “I want us to be more authentic in what we can share with one another,” or “I want to feel more peace throughout my day, no matter what comes my way”. If there are any tricky problem-area’s you want to focus on, reach for resources that can help along the way. For instance, learning to manage anger, anxiety or depression. However you proceed, have fun designing your inner rooms and common areas!

Cultivate a belief in change.

Any sizeable mess can cause us to begin to feel as though it will never be fixable. There is great importance in nurturing your ability to believe in change. A great place to start is to have an awareness of the patterns of your relationships, or perhaps of your own patterns in multiple relationships. As you begin to catch yourself in a familiar pattern, make a small change. You can pause your argument to tell a joke, or start a gratitude list when you’re feeling negativity close in on you. If you notice your words often don’t match what you mean, practice speaking more constructively. If you’re struggling to find your voice, show courage in your relationships through apology, assertion of self and speaking about the things that aren’t typically talked about. As you entertain a spirit of hopefulness for change, you will find yourself able to take incremental steps towards your goals.

Learn to hear your emotions.

American folk singer Jack Johnson sings, “You don’t always have to hold your head higher than your heart.” One of the most wonderful tools we have to use is our emotions. In the same way our stomach pains can tell us we’re hungry, our feelings can alert us when we’re in need of a change. Our anger can serve as a reminder that we’re not happy with how things are going. Guilt can let us know when we’re capable of more love and compassion. And pain can let us know our needs more clearly. So pay attention to your feelings, and grow your insight. If you’re brand new at this, perhaps you can start by taking an extra beat to notice and name your feelings the next time something comes up.

As we apply these guidelines, we can bring our relationships into ones of trust, patience, love and temperance. One last thing: Don’t forget to leave room for imperfection! Imperfection may well be the sweetest part of life, because it’s where our uniqueness can shine through. So where it can be endearing, give yourself permission to enjoy a margin for a little clutter.

Chödrön, P. (2002). The places that scare you: A guide to fearlessness in difficult times. Boston, MA: Shambhala.

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Couples, Depression, Divorce, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Gratitude, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky

Tags : anger management, Communication, compassion, counseling, depression, emotions and relationships, Empathy, gratitude, parenting

Calm in Houston Traffic

Posted by JenniferChristian on

October 2, 2013

The diverse sites, sounds, cultures, and entertainment make Houston a great city. Never a dull moment. But a big challenge in this ever-expanding city is the constant traffic. It is not uncommon for cars to cut in front, ride bumpers, or weave at a ferocious pace in and out of rows of vehicles on a busy freeway. It is also common to find oneself in the middle of a traffic jam.

These frequent occurrences can create a cloud of stress and agitation that floats over the rest of the day. How we take care of ourselves in the midst of this inevitable stress is a great predictor of how much space we will have to respond to others (and ourselves) with understanding and kindness as each day progresses.

We can practice calming ourselves, and allow the cloud of stress to dissipate when we accept the situation and learn to adapt. Traffic is not going away. How can we learn to cope so that our day goes more smoothly? Here are some ideas to experiment with during the next traffic episode:

1. Make a plan. A great place to start is to know that something stressful is likely to happen while on the road. We can put a plan into practice every time we are in a stressful situation. Take a moment and visualize being in traffic in the future, and create new ways to respond and remain calm.

2. Add more time. Many of us plan for the exact amount of time it should take to get to our destination. When we get caught in traffic, the stress and frustration begin to build when we realize that we might be late. We may end up feeling rushed and harried when we eventually arrive. This rushed feeling can stay with us for the rest of our day. If we can add five or ten minutes to our estimated traveling time, we give ourselves a break. We can use the time when we are stalled in traffic as an opportunity to listen to a favorite song, or simply to take a moment to pause. If there is no traffic, bonus! We get to arrive early and fresh.

3. Breathe. Deep breath connects us instantly to the calming mechanisms of our body. “As it turns out, deep breathing is not only relaxing, it’s been scientifically proven to affect the heart, the brain, digestion, and the immune system.” (Cuda, 2010) Placing a reminder to breathe on our dashboard can be a simple way to bring us back to our breath: This simple poem uses both breath and smiling as a way to soothe our frustration and bring the level of agitation down: “Breathing in, I calm body and mind. Breathing out, I smile. Dwelling in the present moment I know this is the only moment.” Thích Nhất Hạnh

4. Make a mental gratitude list. When we think consciously about all of the good things in our day, our mood shifts. A regular gratitude practice increases levels of happiness and contentment. In his TED talk, Shawn Achor, researcher at Harvard University, reported that “Ninety percent of your happiness is not predicted by your external world, but by the way your brain processes the world.” He suggests later in his talk that we can practice active skills like gratitude that allow us to filter our experience more positively, lower our stress hormones, and feel happier as a result.

5. Empathize. Over time, as stress builds, we may start seeing other people on the road as obstacles in our way instead of fellow human beings. We can remind ourselves that the people driving all around us have families, stressors, and complicated life issues, just like us. We can even pretend that the person who just cut in front of us may be rushing to the hospital… or, may be rushing to the airport to pick up a dear friend they have not seen in years. When we begin to see the other people as people again, we can tap into our empathy and literally shift the way we feel. Remember, we cannot change the other person’s behavior on the road. Empathy is one way we can soothe ourselves and let go of the stress so the agitation does not follow us through the rest of our day.

6. Be creative. Take the suggestions above and experiment to see what fits the best. Perhaps try some relaxing music, imagining a tasty menu for future meals, or visualizing a favorite place. We need to pay attention to our bodies, notice any agitation, and then notice how our bodies feel when we respond to the stress with a calming technique.

Photo by Cole Martin

Those of us who live in Houston (or any other big city for that matter) most likely spend a significant amount of time in traffic. Accepting the traffic, making a plan, and responding to ourselves with calming techniques can make a positive impact on the rest of our day and how we feel. When we can bring down our level of stress, we create more space to respond to ourselves, and the people we love, with understanding and kindness. Moreover, we will be practicing activities that can actually make us happier in other parts of our lives.

More resources on stress management and happiness:

Achor, Shawn, (2012): The happy secret to better work http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLJsdqxnZb0

Garber, Lisa (2012). Meditation Affects Brain after Weeks: Improves Stress Response, Increases Empathy: http://naturalsociety.com/meditation-affects-brain-stress-response-empathy/

Cuda, Gretchen. (2010). Just Breathe: Body Has A Built-In Stress Reliever: http://www.npr.org/2010/12/06/131734718/just-breathe-body-has-a-built-in-stress-reliever

Grohol, Rick. (2010). Stress Management and Empathy Improve with Age: http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/12/17/stress-management-and-empathy-improve-with-age/21922.html

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Anger Management, Anxiety & Panic, Breath Work, Compassion, Counseling, Gratitude, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management, Time Management

Tags : anger management, anxiety, breath work, compassion, gratitude, mindfulness practice, self-care, stress management, time management

Archive for Gratitude

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Self-Control: Why Willpower Doesn’t Work

Gratitude Builds Self-Control

Louie Schwartzberg: Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

Resiliency: Learning to Thrive

Kelly McGonigal: How To Make Stress Your Friend

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The Power of Positive Emotions

How to Declutter Our Relationships

Calm in Houston Traffic

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Archive for Gratitude

Louie Schwartzberg: Nature. Beauty. Gratitude.

Kelly McGonigal: How To Make Stress Your Friend

FULLER LIFE LOOP

4545 Bissonet, Suite 289, Bellaire, Texas 77401

FULLER LIFE WEST

10333 Harwin Drive Suite 375D Houston TX 77036

Call Us:(855) 245-5433

HIPAA-Compliant Fax: (832) 706-3842 info@ FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org

CALL TODAY!

Tags

Complete our confidential inquiry form:

HIPAA-Compliant Fax: (832) 706-3842
info@ FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org