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Archive for Couples exercises

Do all healthy couples fight?

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 May 16, 2013
  · No Comments

There is an old saying that all healthy couples fight. While it is true that all healthy couples dvactively encounter and work through conflict, it is not necessarily true that all healthy couples must or need to “fight.” Fighting normally entails a struggle for one to overpower and subdue the other. Is there a third way of resolving conflict than fighting or just giving in?

The classic back-and-forth argument is self-defeating. Imagine a couple as two fighters in opposite corners in a boxing ring. Each tries to win by out-arguing the other. Each point scored by one partner spurs the other on to retaliate in kind. Yet even when this struggle is successful at resolving the issue, the relationship often comes out bruised and wounded. Is there a way to enhance the strength of the relationship through conflict?

What if instead of boxers a couple was pictured as two people working on a puzzle together?

Couple with jigsaw puzzle

Side by side they work on a problem. While the boxers emphasize the talking part of communicating, the puzzlers place the emphasis on listening. While one person shares their thoughts and feelings the other tries to gather a deep understanding of the speaker. They ask questions to help their understanding. They share what they think they are hearing while being open to the possibility that they misunderstood and are open to correction. When one person intentionally takes such a stance it makes it much easier for the other to respond in kind.

Prominent relationship researcher John Gottman has found three types of couples communication styles  (validators, volatiles, and avoiders) can all be stable relationships.  However, regardless of the style, certain tactics such as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are destructive. Namely, these are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

An alternative positive tactic, listening, doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing – although it can lead to that. Engaging in a process of listening not only opens doors to solution but, more importantly communicates that the conversation partner is valuable. The key to success in this new venture is managing emotion. Avoiding the Four Horsemen and emphasizing listening, validating, openness, and compassion are important components to constructively working through conflict.

For more by John Gottman look into his popular books “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last” and “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” 

From the Fuller Life blog:

“Five Reasons Why Your Loved One Won’t Communicate and What They Might Be Feeling”

“Anger and Relationships”

“What I Made Up in my Mind”

 

 

Categories : Communication, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, anger management, Communication, compassion, couples, Couples exercises, Curiosity, emotions, emotions and relationships, relationships

Valentine’s Day Emergency!

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 February 14, 2013

Valentines Day EmergencyDrawing a blank on what to do for Valentine’s Day? The pressure to please can sap the romance right out of a day that is intended to be about enjoying your relationship. As is the case in many relationships, perhaps the romance secretly escaped your relationship about the same time you said “I do.” While your love for your significant other has increased over time perhaps it has become increasingly difficult to figure out how to communicate it.

Have no fear. Here are a few last minute suggestions:

  • Are there small kids in the family? After they are put to bed spread a quilt over the floor in the living room and have an indoor candle lit picnic. Set the mood. Light a candle, put on their favorite music and share some chocolate-dipped strawberries that you brought home with you.
  • Share 10 things you love about your spouse.
  • Make a CD of their favorite songs from when you were dating.
  • Write your own card.
  • Play the Love Map Game to show your desire to get to know each other better and have a few laughs.
  • Low on funds? Put on your finest clothes. Then take a tablecloth and candle to your favorite fast food restaurant. Enjoy the funny looks others give you all.
  • Identify your favorite characteristics in your partner. Share your favorite memory of a time that those traits were on display.
  • Share favorite memories of significant moments in your relationship over dinner.
  • Do the small things. Leave notes. Buy flowers. Eat together. Talk. Even if it doesn’t seem grand it may be more meaningful to them than you know.
  • Has your relationship been on the rocks? Book a couples therapy session with us and tell them how important the relationship is to you.

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFTA

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships
Tags : Couples exercises, Romance, Romantic ideas, Valentines Day
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Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute
  • Home
    • Our Story
    • Our Core Values
    • Partner with Us
    • Our Training
    • Donate
  • Info
    • Our Locations
    • New Client Forms
    • Therapy Fees
    • Information for New clients
    • Secure Inquiry Form
    • Initial Session Form
    • Telemental Health Consent Form
  • Services
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Manet Castañeda,Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
  • Resources
    • Houston Sliding-Scale Therapy Agencies
    • Mental Health Resources
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
    • Local Houston Resources
      • Helpful Books
      • Personal Bill of Rights
    • Healing Practices
      • Benefits of Self-Compassion
      • Self-Care Practices
      • Self-Compassion
  • Blog
    • Blog Grid
    • Resilient Relationships
    • Befriending Anxiety
    • Dancing Through Depression
    • Growing Kids and Teens
    • Healing Practices
    • Healing Trauma and Loss
    • Living Free from Addiction
    • Managing Anger and Stress
    • Sex Therapy
    • Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families
    • Mindful Eating
    • Practicing Faith
  • New Year New You Challenge
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