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The Recipe for a Resilient Family

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

November 23, 2019

Every family experiences some form of hardship. Have you ever noticed how some families seem to bounce back, perhaps even using their trials for good; while others never quite seem to recover? What makes some families more resilient?

Family resilience is the ability to “withstand and rebound from disruptive life challenges, strengthened and more resourceful” (Walsh, 2011). While it may seem that some families are ”born” with an inherent ability to withstand difficulty, the good news is than any family can grow their resilience (Pogosayan, 2017).

Dr. Froma Walsh is a family therapist and leading expert on family resilience. She has identified nine main ingredients for family resilience, divided into three categories: belief systems (what the family thinks and believes); organizational patterns (how the family acts and relates to one another), and communication patterns (how the family speaks and communicates). Any family can mix together these nine ingredients to make their own, unique family resilience “recipe.”

Belief systems

Resilient families…

Are able to make meaning of the adversity, perhaps by normalizing the hardship or viewing it as an opportunity for growth.

Have a hopeful and positive outlook. They seize opportunities and persevere.

Have a sense of purpose, larger values or some form of spirituality/faith to lean on.

Organizational patterns

Resilient families…

Are flexible and able to adapt to new circumstances while also maintaining some stability (rituals, routines, strong leadership).

Are connected and supportive of one another. They respect each other as individuals.

Have social and economic resources by mobilizing the support of kin, social and community networks.

Communication patterns

Resilient families…

Have clear communication. They seek and speak truth.

They are open with their emotions and willing to share a range of feelings without blaming or “lashing out”.

Are able to tap into their inner resourcefulness and collaborate to problem solve.

At Fuller Life, we believe there is hope for all families to thrive after a hardship. We are here to walk alongside as you do. Resources Pogosayan, M. (2017). What Makes Families Resilient?https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-cultures/201710/what-makes-families-resilient Walsh, F. (2011). Family resilience: a collaborative approach in response to stressful life challenges. Resilience and mental health: Challenges across the lifespan, 149-161.

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Tamara Tatum, Resident Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Communication, Covid-19, Family Therapy, Parenting, Problem Solving, Relationships, Sticky

Tags : Communication, families, resilience

Flying from Anxiety in January

Posted by Scott Rampy on

January 18, 2013

Flight from anxiety-provoking relationships is an instinctive move but perhaps harmful.

Not only does January mean the beginning of a new year, it also means the end of the holiday season. While for a blessed few the holidays is a time of peace, joy, and happiness, for many it means stress, reignited family disputes, heartache and heartburn. For eleven months one can easily go without meaningful interaction with extended family members. Yet compressed into one 6 week period from Thanksgiving to New Years are numerous family celebrations, meals, recitals, and traditions. While ideally these times of family interaction are welcome, for everyone family creates a degree of anxiety, whether tremendous or minute.

What do we do in the face of anxiety? Consider the T-baller with the cute uniform picking daisies in the outfield, who only moments ago couldn’t round the bases despite the coaches and fans best persuasive efforts. Now she looks like Marion Jones going for the gold as she flees for dear life away from the bee who wasn’t quite done with that daisy. Or the deer in the headlights who knows very well that in the battle between deer and car, deer always loses, yet doesn’t move out of the road. Or a mama mountain lion who notices that a hiker has strayed between her and her kids. The instinctive reaction in the face of anxiousness is fight, flight, or freeze.

In our current American culture we commonly resort to passive flight from family members – not visiting, not grabbing coffee, not hopping on Skype, not texting, not calling or emailing. We actively maintain our distance with zero energy expended. But the ironic thing is this: despite physical distance the anxiety of a strained relationship doesn’t go away. Although perhaps pushed out of consciousness, it remains present and drains our emotional energy. Cut-off simply doesn’t work.

There is another option instead of the animalistic fight/flight/freeze response. Move towards the anxiousness. Initiate contact with your family. The ability to emotionally self-regulate is a significant part of the difference between humans and animals. Family systems theorist Dr. Murray Bowen suggests being aware of the anxiety in the system, noting the anxiety evoked in oneself, and maintaining one’s composure. That is to say, staying in the thinking mode and not letting the emotions of the situation overtake you. Dr. Bowen extended this theory of differentiation to suggest that our level of reactivity to anxiety in our family system is reflective of our tendency to be reactive in other stressful situations as well. One cannot overcome a fear of heights from the ground below. Likewise one cannot become free of emotional reactivity without engaging with their family.

For more about these concepts, check out Roberta Gilbert’s Extraordinary Relationships.

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFTA

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Boundaries, Communication, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Family Therapy, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Relationships, Self-Care Practices

Tags : Bowen, families, relationships, stress

Boundaries Part I

Posted by JenniferChristian on

March 22, 2012

· No Comments

Here is a fun exercise:

Get out a piece of paper and a pencil.

Look at the diagram below. You are represented by the smiley face in the middle. The other bubbles represent responsibilities in your life. Now draw similar bubbles that represent your own life. Include spouse, children, friends, household duties, and anything else that represents where you spend your time and energy.

Now, pretend that you have $100. This represents your time and energy. Designate funds to each bubble that show how much time and energy you spend in that area. (For example: $20 for your spouse, $20, for your children, $15 for your work, $10 for friends, etc.) Remember you only have $100 to share.

Remember to put some money in your own circle. You cannot take care of all of these responsibilities without taking care of yourself.

Look at the drawing you created. It gives you a beautiful, graphic illustration of where you spend your time and energy. The goals of this exercise are to help you:

prioritize the things that are important in your life.

make sure you are not overspending your time and energy. Overspending your time and energy leads to burnout, anxiety and depression.

make healthy decisions about where your time and energy are spent.

Prioritize: When we say “yes” to something, we are automatically saying “no” to something else. Pretend that your great aunt Edna needs you to spend a lot of time with her right now. As a matter of fact, she wants $30 of your $100 worth of time and energy. Because you only have $100, you will have to shift your time and resources away from other important responsibilities, such as your spouse, children, friends, or work in order to meet Aunt Edna’s request. If Aunt Edna takes more of you than you are able to give, you may become overwhelmed, stressed, and eventually burnout. It is important to gently set some limits as to how much time you can spend reasonably.

Another important tool is your calendar. If the PTA calls and asks if you have some time to spare, give yourself some space to check your calendar before saying “yes.” Then, let them know how much time you can give. If you are booked, let them know that you can help out at a later date when your calendar lightens up. This approach allows you to joyfully say “yes” when you actually have the time and energy to say “yes.” Saying “yes” when you are already overwhelmed is always a “no” to taking care of yourself and your most important priorities.

Overspending: When I think about how much money I need to put in my personal circle, I like to use the concept of Daily Minimum Requirements (Louden, J, 2007). Daily minimum requirements are the absolute minimum we need to feel like a human being each day. This may take a few weeks to figure out for yourself. Everyone is different. It took me a couple of months of observing myself to realize that my daily minimum requirements include things like taking vitamins, eating right, light exercise, a nap, spirituality, connecting with my spouse and kids, etc. Daily minimum requirements change in different stages of life, and become even more important in overly stressful crisis periods, such as when a family member is ill. If you neglect your own self-care, your body will suffer. When we budget time each day to meet these essential needs, we have more energy and time to spend on the things that are important to us.

Healthy Decisions: Practicing boundaries helps people make informed decisions that honor your health and the most important people in your life. It takes practice to learn to say “no.” And, sometimes the people who hear you say “no” may have a difficult time understanding, especially if you have said “yes” to everything in the past. You need to remember that you are not responsible to please everyone. Boundaries allow us to take responsibility for ourselves and for those relationships on the top of our lives!

Louden, J. (2007). The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to a Mindful Year.

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