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Archive for self-care

Out With the Old, In With the New! Self-Care Resolutions for 2017

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 December 29, 2016
  · 2 Comments

As 2016 rolls to a close and the holiday cheer begins to wane, thoughts and reflections of the past year and hopes and curiosity about the upcoming year are swirling about.

At the start of the 2017, instead of new gym memberships and the same old resolutions, consider resolving to add more authentic “self-care” into your life. The concept of self-care has been around for some time. Yet, there seems to be a lot of vagueness around what it actually means, with definitions varying from treating yourself to wine and ice cream to going on a quest to find yourself on the Pacific Crest Trail.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself to begin to understand the true meaning of self-care:

Who am I?

As people, we are physical beings. We need food and water and sleep to survive and we live and die in our physical bodies.

We are also social beings, born into families, communities, societies. And the truth is, we need relationships (Anderson, 1995).

We are spiritual beings. Spirituality means an understanding that there is a greater reality beyond what we experience through our physical senses. Though we may have differing faiths and views, intrinsically, we sense that life has meaning and that we have meaning, beyond our physical presence. Acknowledging our spirituality also means acknowledging that we are valuable and worthy.

In summary, we are people with real value and real limitations. We may be capable of accomplishing a great many things, yet each of us has unique limits to our capacities. We take care of ourselves because of our intrinsic worth and if we don’t, we will suffer spiritually, physically and socially.

Where do I begin?

The first step in getting what we need, is, of course, knowing what we need.

Learning about our needs involves cultivating a deeper connection to our bodies, relationships and something greater than ourselves. Self-care is not simply indulging our wants, but knowing ourselves – both our strengths and limitations – well enough to seek out and to receive what is most healthful for all aspects of ourselves.

If you are unsure of what you need, taking a self-care assessment may be a good place to start. Cultivating a practice of taking stock of your daily experiences is another great way to get to know yourself. For example, at the end of each day, ask yourself: “When did I feel most drained? When did I feel most energized? Or perhaps, “What am I fearing, or hoping for in the day to come?” These questions have their roots from a practice called “the Examen” by St. Ignatius of Loyola.

How do I put this into practice?

Interestingly, beginning with the concept of “compassion” can be very helpful as we put these thoughts into practice. Compassion involves first, noticing another’s suffering or needs and second, being affected enough to respond with care. Similarly, Dr. Kristin Neff tells us that self-compassion means seeing our own needs and responding accordingly. So, knowing ourselves and what we need is a good start, but to really care for ourselves, we must deliberately act to meet those needs.   According to Dr. Neff, compassionate and self-compassionate people:

  1. Respond to failure, inadequacy and suffering with kindness rather than harsh judgement.
  2. Recognize that hardships are part of the human experience, and we are not alone in them.
  3. Neither deny negative feelings, nor blow them out of proportion; but maintain an honest and balanced perspective.

Because we are unique, self-care will look different for different people; however, growing in self-compassion is a necessary ingredient. Self-care for one person may be responding with kind words to him or herself after a major disappointment. For another, self-care may involve scheduling time to rest and play amid a busy schedule. And for yet another person, self-care might mean joining an exercise class to be more physically active and meet new people.

As you walk into 2017, remember these resolutions for good self-care:

  1. Know yourself
  2. Notice your needs
  3. Respond!

We, at Fuller Life, wish you a healthy and compassion-filled New Year!

Resources

http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2013/03/religion-spirituality.aspx

Neff, Kristin. http://self-compassion.org/#

Anderson, Ray. (1995). Self Care: A Theology of Personal Empowerment and Spiritual Healing.

https://daringtolivefully.com/review-your-day

https://www.ecu.edu/cs-dhs/rehb/upload/Wellness_Assessment.pdf

 

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

 

Categories : Compassion, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices
Tags : 2017, New Year, resolutions, self-care, self-care practices, self-compassion

Add Flavor to Mindfulness with Color and Music?

Posted by Shani Bell on
 March 15, 2016
  · 2 Comments

There has been much focus lately on the benefits of mindfulness, a practice that encourages focused attention and self-acceptance in the present moment. You may know about mindfulness through methods like meditation, prayer and yoga. But what might happen to your mindfulness practice if you added a little art or music?

Why Try Mindfulness?

Why practice mindfulness in the first place? Research shows that mindfulness increases focus and can decrease symptoms related to stress, anxiety, fatigue, depression, chronic pain, sleep problems and high blood pressure. Baer informs us that mindfulness encourages people to focus on present thoughts and emotions in a way that is accepting and curious rather than judgmental. Being hypercritical of thoughts and emotions can cause us to push them away increasing stress and tension. We find ourselves saying things like, “Ugh! I shouldn’t feel this way!” It is better to acknowledge thoughts and feelings for what they are and begin the process of self-regulation. With mindfulness, we increase our present, personal and environmental awareness. We can then take the opportunity to curiously observe and honestly observe our inner experience, labeling what is happening, accepting it as it is and then releasing it with a prayer or meditative statement.

Artful Awareness

Therapeutic approaches like Mindfulness-Based Art Therapy (MBAT) have found similarities between creative and mindfulness practices. These two practices can be combined to enhance their effectiveness. Activities like drawing, playing an instrument, listening to music or writing poetry require single-task concentration that reflects the same sort of present-awareness needed to participate in mindfulness.

Consider this. When an artist draws her subject, she must observe it closely, recognizing the shape and position of the subject, noticing the folds and creases. She would not be likely to see these details if she were just observing that same thing in passing. With a mindful stance she can more adequately depict the subject of her art. The more the artist practices this type of art, the more she finds her ability to “see” improves. In learning to play music, the body and mind are fully engaged in the singular task of creating sound. The fingers are positioned, the body is postured and the mind is alert. The more the musician practices, the more natural his movements and the flow of music become.

When incorporating the arts into mindfulness practice, skill level in playing music or creating artwork is not the focus. The intention is to use the creative process to stay engaged and increase the focus on the present experience: what you see, think, hear and how you are inwardly responding. Use the art as an anchor to maintain present focus when the mind starts to wander.

So, what are some examples of ways you could incorporate creativity into your mindfulness practice?

  • Try blind contour drawing. Choose a drawing utensil (marker, pencil, chalk, etc.) and a piece of paper. Find a subject in your environment and focus in on it. While your eyes trace the lines and shapes of the subject, move your drawing utensil in unison, drawing one contiguous line but WITHOUT looking at your paper. This exercise requires deep concentration. To process troubling emotions, try finding a subject that is related to the issue at hand. For example, if you are having a disagreement with a family member that is causing you distress, find a picture of that person and use this as the subject of your contour drawing. Allow yourself to be non-judgmentally present with any feelings that may arise. You might even try journaling after the exercise. Couples could practice present awareness with each other by creating a blind contour drawing of their partner.

blindcontour1

Blind contour drawing of a hand

  • Find time alone to play an instrument like the drums or the piano. Try closing your eyes while playing and improvising or playing by ear. As you do this, observe the changes in your bodily responses as well as what emotions or imagery come up for you during this creative experience.
  • If you do not have access to an instrument or do not feel musically inclined, you can listen to music mindfully. Choose a particular song or genre of music to which you feel connected. Pay attention to the characteristics of the song: beat, changes in tempo, harmony, melody, etc. Notice how the visceral responses in your body and emotions respond. Identify the mood of the song and how this connects to your inner experience. If the song has lyrics, notice what words or verses stand out to you.  

There are a myriad of ways that the arts can be used to engage your senses and keep you inspired to stay present. Be creative and find what works for you. As you develop a lifestyle of mindfulness, you will likely find a deeper understanding of yourself and a greater sense of the world around you.

If you are seeking a professional to help you to gain awareness and personal insight, please contact us at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute.

Shani Bell Headshot Fuller Life

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S and Dr. Sheryl Corbit, EdD, ATR-BC, LPC-AT/S

 

References

Baer, R. A. (2003). Mindfulness training as a clinical intervention: A conceptual and empirical review. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 10, 125–143. Retrieved from http://www.ecsa.ucl.ac.be/personnel/philippot/DocStudents/baer%202003%20mindfulness%20training%20as%20clinical%20intervention.pdf

Eckhardt, K. J. and Dinsmore, J. A. (2012). Mindful music listening as a potential treatment for depression. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 7, 176-186. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15401383.2012.685020

Grant, A. M., Langer, E. J., Falk, E. & Capodilupo, C. (2004). Mindful creativity: Drawing to draw distinctions. Creativity Research Journal, 16, 261-265. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10400419.2004.9651457

Monti, D. A., Peterson, C., Shakin Kunkel, E. J., Hauck, W. W., Pequignot, E., Rhodes, L., & Brainard, G. C. (2006). A randomized, controlled trial of Mindfulness-Based Art Therapy (MBAT) for women with cancer. Psycho-Oncology, 15, 363–373. Retrieved from http://www.mindfullart.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Controlled-Triall-2005.pdf

Oyan, S. (2006). Mindfulness meditation: Creative musical performance through awareness. Retrieved from http://etd.lsu.edu/docs/available/etd-03312006-164516/unrestricted/Oyan_dis.pdf

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Depression, Mental Health, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : anxiety, anxiety and panic, counseling, depression, emotional intelligence, mental health, mindfulness, mindfulness practice, self-care, Self-Care Practice, self-care practices, stress management

Loving the Lonely You

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 March 7, 2016
  · No Comments

Loneliness affects everyone at some point in their lives. Studies show that married, single, young, old, employed and unemployed – all of us experience bouts of loneliness. Loneliness is the gap between the perception we have of our relationships and the ones we would like to have. Loneliness is inevitable to some degree.

What do you do when you feel alone?

  1. Take a break from the Internet. Researchers have found that higher internet usage leads to a decrease in communication with family members and a decrease in social circle size. It has also been shown to increase depression and feelings of loneliness. This is especially true with social media outlets. Choose a day this week to be free from social media.
  1. Hug it Out. Hugging has been proven to increase the social bonding and trust chemical oxytocin and also stimulates dopamine, a chemical positively linked to higher self-esteem and self-confidence.  Hugging also increases serotonin, a chemical lower, or absent, in those who are depressed or chronically lonely.
    1. Hug a friend or loved one
    2. Hug an object – Hugging an inanimate object has been shown to reduce fears of mortality. In fact, a “hugging chair” exists in Japan, a country with high suicide rates, created for the sole purpose of curbing loneliness. For those of us without access to that chair, grab a pillow or stuffed toy.
    3. Hug yourself – A research team in the UK has found that crossing your arms around yourself confuses the brain and relieves physical pain. Kelly McGonigal, health psychologist and Stanford University professor states, “A self-hug should reduce pain in other ways, too, providing contact comfort and a feeling of safety and self-compassion that reduces the nervous system’s reactivity to pain and threat.” Go ahead. Give yourself a big hug.
  1. Get lost in a joyful memory. Spend five minutes reflecting on the best social interaction you’ve had. Who were you with? What were you doing? Consider the things you saw, smelled, felt, tasted and heard. Reflecting back helps to improve mood and increase life satisfaction.
  1. Embrace the solitude. Mindful solitude for the sole purpose of enjoying your own company can have positive benefits. These include, uplifted mood and increased self-confidence. Learn to cherish being alone by watching this inspiring four-minute video.

If you are in the Houston area, our team of therapists at Fuller Life offer professional therapy for all persons regardless of income and assist in helping individuals build genuine connections.

Note: If you are experiencing persistent feelings of sadness, loss of interest in activities and/or suicidal thoughts, seek out a licensed mental health professional or call 911 to receive assistance.

 

References

Dorfman, A. (2010). How To Be Alone. Retrieved February 17, 2016, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

Gallace A, Torta DM, Moseley GL, & Iannetti  (2011). The analgesic effect of crossing the arms. Pain 152(6):1418-23.

Halvorson, H. G. (2010). The Cure for Loneliness. Retrieved February 17, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-success/201010/the-cure-loneliness

Kraut, R., Patterson, M., Lundmark, V., Kiesler, S., Mukophadhyay, T., & Scherlis, W. (1998). Internet paradox: A social technology that reduces social involvement and psychological well-being?. American psychologist,53(9), 1017.

McGonigal, K. (2014). Hugging Yourself Reduces Physical Pain. Retrieved February 17, 2016, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-science-willpower/201105/hugging-yourself-reduces-physical-pain

Moye, D. (2014). ‘Hugging Chair’ Invented To Cure Loneliness. Retrieved February 17, 2016, from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/04/japanese-hugging-chair_n_5930264.html

Peplau, L., & Perlman, D. (1982). Perspectives on loneliness. In L. Peplau & D. Perlman (Eds.), Loneliness: A sourcebook of current theory, research and therapy (pp. 1-20). New York, NY: John Wiley and Sons.

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Covid-19, Self-Care Practices, Self-Validation (affirmations)
Tags : acceptance, compassion, connection, loneliness, self-care, social media, solitude

Managing Disappointment

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 October 27, 2015
  · No Comments

When was the last time you anticipated life would go one way but instead it took an unexpected turn? In a moment, feelings of frustration, hurt, disappointment and anger can set in. Experiencing disappointment is a part of life but knowing how to handle it can be confusing.Here are some tips to get back in the saddle again.

Express Those Emotions

  • Give yourself space to feel all the emotions accompanying the unmet expectation. Are you angry? Sad? Frustrated? It is normal and feeling them helps free you to make a sound decision. Emotions can easily cloud good judgment and make small situations seem larger than they are. By allowing yourself to feel the spectrum of emotion, you give yourself the freedom to see the situation more clearly—to gain perspective.
  • Expressing emotion is also healthy. After a disappointment, there is a greater risk of physical or emotional difficulties or a combination of the two, partly because of mishandling emotions. It can be tempting to hold these feelings inside or project them onto others. Psychologist Dr. Michael Ashroth, explains that over time, being disappointed can even lead to chronic stress problems internally and with those around you. Do yourself a favor and let it out. Try journaling! Is your energy regained through people? Talking it over with someone you know who listens well is a great way to let go.

Don’t Dwell

  • Disappointment may require a bit of grieving time to handle the loss of unmet expectations but don’t stay there! Wallowing keeps you stuck and prevents you from taking steps toward success.  Not sure if you’re dwelling?  Notice how much time and energy you spend thinking about the situation or talking about it. Choosing to think through the situation over and over with little action can increase your anxiety. Instead, go out and do something constructive or fun. It will reenergize your mind to take action! Dwelling will keep you from accomplishing your goals moving forward.

Embrace It

  • Remember, in every situation you get to choose how to respond. Start by accepting the situation as it is. You do not have control over another person and you may not have control over some situations but you do have choices.  Make the choice to evaluate what you wanted from yourself, the situation and others. Try to see it as an opportunity for a new possibility. If this sort of disappointment has happened repeatedly, accept it and consider what could be changed to yield a different result. Seek other avenues to achieve your goals. It may be time to step out of your comfort zone and take a risk!

Disappointment is a normal part of life that everyone experiences. However, it does not have to have a negative effect. Use it as a stepping stone to achieve all you hope for!

  • References
    Ashroth, M. (2013). Dealing with disappointment. PsychCentral. http://psychcentral.com/lib/dealing-with-disappointment/
  • Lybi, M. (2004). Down but not out. PsychologyToday. https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200403/down-not-out

Contributed by

Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

 

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : acceptance, disappointment, emotions, mental health, self-awareness, self-care, Self-Care Practice, stress, stress management

Self-Control: What do I do with Guilt?

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 February 26, 2015
  · No Comments

Wouldn’t it be great to build up our self-control “muscles?” More “staying power” could make a big difference in so many areas. What if we could increase our ability to:

  • Say “no” to that last piece of pie.
  • Hold our temper a little longer.
  • Save some extra money instead of blowing it on the next cool gadget.
  • Study just a little longer when everyone else is outside having fun.

Self-Control

Is it possible to acquire self-control and then build it like you would exercise a muscle? According to a recent compilation of lab experiments on self-control, four emotional characteristics were shown to boost our self-control (Desteno, 2014).

  • Gratitude
  • Compassion
  • Guilt
  • Authentic pride

Over the past few weeks, Fuller Life’s blog has explored how to develop the characteristics of gratitude and compassion. Today’s post will focus on the importance of guilt.

Guilt vs. Shame

How can guilt become a motivator to help a person stay on task and achieve goals? In order to understand this better, it is important to shed some light on the distinction between guilt and another important emotion – shame.

In 1971, Helen Lewis, a clinical psychologist at Yale, defined the difference between these two emotions:

“Guilt: I did that horrible thing.

Shame: I did that horrible thing.” (Lewis, 1971)

The difference is subtle, but significant. Guilt is about my behavior. Shame is the experience that tells me that I am worthless.

According to Brené Brown’s recent TED talk, the distinction between these two emotions has a monumental impact on our well-being.

“There’s a huge difference between shame and guilt. And here’s what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And here’s what you even need to know more. Guilt, is inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we’ve done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s adaptive.”

In other words, guilt is a resilient characteristic. It allows us to bounce back from painful circumstances and mistakes. We are able to learn from our mistakes and stay connected with the people we love. Shame, on the other hand, is like quicksand. It sinks us down into feeling helpless and powerless to change things for the better. Shame makes us want to hide. It pulls us further away from the support of others. The endless downward cycle fuels addiction, anxiety and depression.

Guilt and Self-Control

How is this distinction important when it comes to self-control?

The shame cycle is defeating. The shame cycle disconnects us from others. “I yelled at someone I love… Or, I missed that important meeting. I am worthless, so why bother? Why even try? I am unfixable. It isn’t going to matter anyway.”

A shame response leaves us with nowhere to go.

“Shame is an acutely painful emotion that is typically accompanied by a sense of shrinking or of ‘being small’ and a sense of worthlessness and powerlessness. Shame often leads to a desire to escape or hide – to sink into the floor and disappear” (Tangey and Dearing, 2003).

Conversely, a guilt response is adaptive. “I made a mistake. I yelled at the person I love… Or, I missed that important meeting. I feel terrible about it. I am sorry. I will try to do better next time.”

A guilt response connects us to all of humanity because we all make mistakes. We feel remorse, can change our course and then create something better.

“Guilt is a useful emotion. It pushes people to repair the harm they did. But feelings of shame about oneself seem to motivate people more to want to hide, escape, deny or a lot of times to blame other people” (Bernstein, 2014).

Make a Move Toward Guilt

Below are some resources that provide tools to help us break out of a shame cycle (shame resilience) into a more adaptive guilt response toward self.

  • Test of Self-Conscious Affect (TOSCA) is a quick little quiz that shows whether we are more guilt-prone or shame prone.
  • Shame Resilience: How can respond to ourselves when we experience shame.
  • Brené Brown Listening To Shame

Brené Brown: 3 Things You Can Do to Stop a Shame Spiral

If you're caught in a shame spiral, Brené Brown says there are three things you can start doing today to break the cycle: Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love; reach out to someone you trust; and tell your story.

Our next blog will explore authentic pride, another characteristic that builds our capacity for self-control.

Fuller Life Family Therapy is here to support and encourage those on their journey toward a fuller life.

References

Bernstein, E. (November 3, 2014). Guilt Versus Shame: One is Productive, the Other Isn’t, and How to Tell Them Apart. Wall Street Journal.

Brown, B. (March 2012). TED Talk. Listening to Shame. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0

Lewis, H. (1971). Shame and Guilt in Neurosis. International Universities Press.

Tangey, J., and Dearing, R. (2003). Shame and Guilt: Emotions and Social Behavior. The Guildford Press.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Mental Health, Self-Care Practices, Self-Validation (affirmations), Sticky
Tags : guilt versus shame, guilt vs shame, self-care, self-control, shame versus guilt, shame vs guilt

Who Else Wants to Feel Human?

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 July 17, 2014

What can we do to feel more human today? Some days we may feel like we are running on autopilot, or like robots perpetually running on empty. This is especially true when the spaces in our lives squeeze together. Parenting, care-giving, crises, and life transitions have the potential of squeezing our self-care abilities below the bare minimum, leaving us in a self-care deficit.

When we are in the middle of “the squeeze,” the things that used to be nourishing or important tend to take a back seat to the more urgent or pressing tasks at hand. This way of living is unavoidable at times, but cannot be sustained for long periods without impacting health and emotional wellness. What can we do to feel mostly human?

In her book, The Life Organizer, Jennifer Louden discusses the practice of allocating minimum requirements for self-care, or MRSC’s.

“MRSC’s are the basic things you need to stay in touch with yourself, to have a strong foundation to meet the rather constant challenges of life, and to ease the noise in your head. Things like loving yourself with yoga, getting enough sleep, being outdoors in the teasing spring wind, saying no to a great invite because you need time to putter alone. They aren’t sexy, they aren’t earth shattering, but without them, you tend to get all blurry and knotty and resentful.” Jennifer Louden

What are your MRSC’s? What are the very basic, simplest, minimal things that are essential to feel human each day? When we allow ourselves even the bare minimum, we may be able to navigate the difficult stretches of our lives in a more sustainable and compassionate way.

Helpguide.org has some great ideas on how to manage stress and nourish ourselves. Some of these include:

  • Go for a walk
  • Spend time in nature
  • Call a good friend
  • Sweat out tension with a good workout
  • Write in your journal
  • Take a long bath
  • Light scented candles
  • Savor a warm cup of coffee or tea
  • Play with a pet
  • Work in your garden
  • Get a massage
  • Curl up with a good book
  • Listen to music
  • Watch a comedy”

When life is more open, we will have time for each one of these tools and many more. But, when the space in life narrows, choosing one or two things a day, the basic MRSC’s, will go a long way in helping us feel more human.

I visited with a male friend of mine and he shared his list of MSRC’s:

  • A cup of coffee in the morning
  • Riding his motorcycle to work
  • The satisfaction of finishing at least one significant work task
  • Tasty food
  • Coming home to family
  • Time in the recliner
  • Quiet time after everyone’s gone to bed

Some of my personal MRSC’s are:

Daily :

  • Hugs and I Love You’s
  • Daily vitamins
  • Plenty of sleep, including occasional naps
  • Basic nutrition

Occasionally throughout the week:

  • Walking in nature
  • Yoga

Every person is different, so take some time and notice what little things make the day a little better. Then, add a couple of these into your daily routine and notice what happens.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

 

Categories : Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : self-care

The Shift We Need to Save Our Kids

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 June 25, 2014

This article starts an ongoing series, titled “How To Save Our Kids”, in an attempt to support our teens and families more. Stay tuned-in to the Fuller Life Family Therapy Blog for more on this topic!  

At any given point in our human history, our culture keeps no secrets as to its ailments.  Rather, our culture mercifully shows us how it hurts through symptoms.  To face the sometimes ugly wounds of our culture is uncomfortable, to say the least.  However, if we are able to tolerate that discomfort long enough to listen, we can hear exactly where we are hurting in our societal family.  In the wake of the most recent U.S. school shooting, we are at a staggering 74 shootings since the tragic Sandy Hook shooting in December of 2012.  We, as a culture, are hurting; and our kids are taking the hit for us.

There is a rapidly growing body of literature on the shifting needs of a better state- and nation-wide mental health system, however the buck does not stop with policy makers and proper legislation.  If we trace this state of unrest and violence to the source – where do we truly find ourselves?  What drives a child or adolescent to become so angry, so alone, and so filled with fear?  A young person who is driven to an act of violence that implicates their entire school must not feel supported, encouraged or cared for.  The emotional and psychological needs of our children go by the wayside if our adults are unable to care for them.  So the issue we have on our hands is not limited to our young people, but rather implicates our entire society at large: We, as a culture, are being called to boldly reprioritize our value system and place mental health at the top.  Whether we are a parent, a relative, a teacher or simply a U.S. citizen – each of us comes into contact with adolescents and therefore bears a role.  Here are a few self-reflective questions to help us get started in reprioritizing, and responding lovingly – yet boldly – to the state of things:

How is my own mental health?  When is the last time I had a mental health check-up?  Dr. Amy Fuller, founder of Fuller Life Family Therapy, recommends routine mental health check-ups as frequent as every six months.  Every human person requires physical care, mental care and emotional care.  Can we properly support our young people if we, ourselves, are hurting?  Mental Health America (MHA) offers free initial screenings online for four of the most common pitfalls in mental health.   Check out the following ten tips from MHA on how to take care of ourselves holistically! [Click each tip for more information.]

  1. Connect with others
  2. Stay positive
  3. Get physically active
  4. Help others
  5. Get enough sleep
  6. Create joy and satisfaction
  7. Eat well
  8. Take care of your spirit
  9. Deal better with hard times
  10. Get professional help if you need it

Do I know what the typical teenager is struggling with in contemporary culture?  We, as adults, are working hard and doing what is necessary to provide for ourselves and our families.  It stands to reason that we might see this as top-priority!  However, our teenagers are busy waging wars in their social circles and within themselves.  They are learning new, and often troubling things, as they cross the bridge from childhood to adolescence.  It can be traumatic, scary and incredibly confusing.  We cannot forget to be there for our adolescents as they experience this jarring transition; this is our new priority. Issues like suicide, sex, drugs, alcohol, and social media concerns are bombarding our kid’s minds and hearts through every channel on a daily basis.  Our role as adults is to stay connected with our young people to help them feel supported and safe as they learn and grow.  Though we can only go so far to protect the minds and hearts of our young people, we can stay current with their culture and learn how it affects them.  If we are unfamiliar with what is out there – why not start boning up on pop culture and learning what is important to our kids?  The Center for Parent/Youth Understanding is a brilliant resource to begin familiarizing ourselves with what is trending in youth culture.  Though it is geared towards parents, this website has something for each of us to learn about youth culture.

How do I communicate with the young people I come into contact with?  If we want our young people to feel supported, we must learn to keep open lines of honest communication with adolescents.  Statistically speaking, roughly 20 to 40 percent of teens will experience more than one episode of depression, lasting an average of eight months within a period of two years; 70 percent of troubled teens will experience another episode before adulthood (Source: Parent Resources).  What this means to us is that – at any given time – our teens have at least one thing on their minds and hearts that has potential to bring them down.  Perhaps our teens desperately need to talk, but need the adults in their lives to be the ones to reach out.  So how do we reach out in a way that can truly reach our young ones?  We can start with these initial tips, borrowed from adolescent expert Dr. Michele Borba:

1.  Rather than multitask, give your full attention to teens when they speak to you.

2.  Practice empathy rather than advice-giving.

3.  Routinely ask if there is anything on a teens mind or heart.  If you get a wall, you can gently ask again.  Then simply let them know you are there for them.

4.  Empower teens by asking questions about their thoughts and opinions.

5.  Respect young people and the journey they are on.  Practice patient compassion for the developmental challenges teens are undergoing.

These things, though simple, can help a teen feel a sense of belonging, importance and worth – which naturally and effectively wards off lonely down-spirals of anger and frustration.  With the support of a loving and attentive adult, there is no issue that a teen cannot handle. We are living in a time when mental health needs can no longer be on the back burner, and our teens are reminding each of us of our role in helping to heal our culture.  Stay tuned into the Fuller Life Family Therapy Blog for more on how to show up for our teens!

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

A Note on School Shootings:

For more information on school shootings and how to get involved, visit Stop The Shootings.  Looking for some tips on how to talk about school shootings with children?  Read up on what Dr. Gregory L. Jantz writes in Hope for Relationships for some great tools.   We, as a societal family, have an obligation to persevere in caring for one another – and that care must include emotional and psychological well-being.  We are called to make an ongoing commitment to lasting change.

 

 

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Communication, Parenting, Sticky
Tags : adolescents, adolescents and children, Empathy, parenting, self-care, teenagers

Life Lessons from the Play Therapy Room

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 April 16, 2014

play therapyHow often do we, as adults, catch ourselves re-learning something we knew how to do quite naturally as children?  Part of the joy in observing a child’s play is seeing our human heart at work in a simplified way.  As children, we instinctively listen to our heart, follow our intuition, and believe in the magnificent.  Over time, many “grown-up’s” somehow forget the basic elements of happy, healthy, and whole-hearted living.  Today, there is a wide body of research that supports how the needs of children should be met differently than those of adults.  However, we must not forget the many ways adults are similar to children in our basic emotional needs.  Professionals of psychology are trained in how to facilitate healing with children, in a type of therapy known as “Play Therapy”.  Play Therapy uses basic principles to create a safe space for children to heal and grow simply through their expression of play and creativity.  Amazingly, when these simple principles are applied to the human person – regardless of age – we can enrich our relationships and reconnect to our early, in-born wisdom.  So let’s take a page from the play therapy room, shall we?

1.  Safety is important.

Healing cannot occur in Play Therapy without a feeling of safety.  If a child feels unsafe for any reason, that child will not be able to move forward effectively with any type of healing or growth.  This is because the child will be more focused on protecting himself.  How true is this of all people, though?  We are simply not at our best if we are concerned with our emotional or physical safety.  Crucial parts of our brain go offline when we are more focused on protecting ourselves, leaving us limited in our functioning.  So we can do ourselves a favor by considering if there are certain areas of our lives wherein we struggle with feeling safe!  If so, what is the cause, and how might we consider improving the situation?  One more thought on safety:  If someone in our life turns to us for help, rather than focus on how this will inconvenience us – we can recognize that “to this person, I am safe.”  For someone to turn to us for help or advice means that there is a foundation of trust in that relationship, and our response is very important.  By responding well, we can bless others with the growing ability to trust.

2.  Self-assertion is a necessary life skill.

In the play therapy room, children are taught how to voice their needs and wants.  Depending on the child, this skill can present varying levels of difficulty or ease!  With a child who has a tendency to assert (and perhaps demand) their needs, the therapist is taught how to respond by reflecting but not always granting the want.  The resulting lesson learned is that “It is possible for others to say no to me yet still care for me.”  For those children who fear voicing their needs, the therapist must be ready to respond positively for each effort of self-assertion.  This, in turn, builds self-efficacy and self-worth within children.  The parallel in this lesson is quite obvious: We need to be able to voice our feelings, our wants, and our needs.  For those of us who struggle to do so, we may tend to surround ourselves comfortably with people who anticipate our needs and even rescue us from the painstaking task of self-assertion.  But in the end, does that really help us?  And for those of us who err more on the side of demanding our needs be met, are we able to enjoy the peace and freedom that comes in lovingly being refused?  Either way, our voice always has value and deserves to be heard.

3.  Respect for other’s needs is a necessary life skill.

This particular lesson is closely related to safety.  In play therapy, the only real rules are that each person and toy must stay safe.  So, for example, if a therapist is facilitating a group-play-therapy session, children must learn that another’s need to feel safe is just as important as their own need to feel safe.  In psychology, the term for this is “boundaries”.  And as adults, we can attest to the fact that boundaries never stop being important!  Whether it is a physical boundary or an emotional one, each person is hard-wired with a slightly different set of needs regarding what feels comfortable.  And we can run up against boundaries at home, work, in the grocery store, and even on social media!  So as we grow, we can each discover our own boundary lines as well as boundaries of those we love.  The process of discovery here is one that is best approached with a kind and relaxed curiosity.

4.  Imagination and Creativity beget Healing and Growth.

Something that comes naturally to children is creativity, playfulness, and a vivid imagination.  However, these things fade in many of us as we grow.  The clinical relevance in our playfulness is astounding, as it reveals our needs, our hopes, our desires – and our hurts.  Nurturing our inner child, our playful spirit, and our unique imagination (however far-fetched) is ALWAYS important to our overall health.  So whether it is getting into finger-painting or scheduling five minutes daily for day-dreaming and play, we can benefit greatly from reengaging with our inner child.  After all, that inner child of ours knows exactly what we need for fuller living and happiness.

5.  The human being is supremely intelligent.journey

Many professionals of psychology believe that the human person is naturally on a path to healing, come what may.  What this means for us is that we are each on our own path towards health and happiness, just as a blade of grass knows to grow upward.  In play therapy, this may be one of the most crucial tenets to follow and believe in.  When a child enters the therapy room and guides her own session from start to finish, an absolutely gorgeous process of inner wisdom and self-healing is revealed.  The only job of the therapist is to be a source of safety, acceptance, and love.  Play Therapy is a remarkable process to witness that serves as a reminder of how we each have inborn tools to help us in our journey.  We cannot expect our own journey to be the same as our neighbors.  Therefore, rather than insist that others do things our way, we can merely be a source of love and encouragement to one another when our journey’s cross paths.  One more thing: it is a moment well-spent if we are able to take a minute each day to reflect on the beauty of our human condition.  Take a moment to reflect on your own inner beauty, profound wisdom, and delightfully imperfect humanity!

Joyful Note to the Reader:  April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month, and we at Fuller Life Family Therapy want to remind our readers of the importance of taking care of our wee ones.  Take a look at the below video explaining the extensive benefits of Play Therapy, and how it works!

Play Therapy Works!

Learn the basic elements of Play Therapy and its healing effects on our children.

Lesley Anne Mendonça

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Play Therapy, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : child therapy, children, Play Therapy, self-assertion, self-care, self-compassion

Perfectionville: Population Zero

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 March 18, 2014

                

Perfection

It starts as early as we can remember.  We make a mistake, we are corrected, and we strive to never make that mistake again.  In that moment, a fictional destination is created: Perfection.  As we grow and learn, we begin to subscribe to countless myths that suggest we must live perfectly.  These myths often go unchallenged, and even unrealized.  What if we were to take a moment to truly consider the longstanding implications of perfectionism?  Were it even possible to attain perfection, what would we truly accomplish?  What is the goal of reaching a perfect state?

Perfectionism’s Mark

In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”, Dr. Brene Brown reminds us that “perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth.”  Rather, perfectionism falsely guarantees us that – with it – we can essentially be safe from pain.  Brown shares:  “Perfectionism is a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.”  Perfectionism, when untamed, can impede productivity, tamper with our self-image, unsteady our relationships and prevent us from enjoying a full life.

The Gifts of Imperfection

Dr. Brene Brown shares her thoughts on the gifts of being imperfect.

Tips on Taming Our Perfectionism

[Tip One] Practice Awareness:  Those who struggle with perfectionism often avoid finishing tasks for fear of falling short of the ideal.  Along the way, one can become frustrated with his imperfect work.  Ironically, obsessing over perfect work competes with actually working!  Therefore, one can start with an awareness of perfectionism when it begins to overtake.  Once we are aware of it, it can help to remember that the perfect goal is merely a motivator, not a reality.  And in the even grander scheme, whatever we do or produce can be seen as a single step in our learning; it is always there for revision and further development!

[Tip Two] Practice Forgiveness and Self-acceptance: Imagine one who constantly measures herself to perfect standards.  What happens to her self-esteem or self-image?  Like chasing the horizon, the fruitless pursuit of perfection can quickly deplete morale and self-efficacy.  Therefore, it is crucial to guard ourselves by practicing forgiveness of imperfections, and eventually accepting our imperfections as gifts.  Each mistake or shortcoming is an opportunity for growth, learning, and self-acceptance.

[Tip Three] Practice Vulnerability:  Being in relationship with a perfectionist guarantees a struggle with high expectations.  We can start by asking ourselves: Do we expect perfection from ourselves in relationships to receive love?  Do we expect perfection from others in order to give love?  The implicit message we often learn from a young age is: If we are imperfect, we will lose love and acceptance.  At our core, perfectionism is a place where we are loved and accepted conditionally – rather than for simply being.  It is a belief that our worthiness lies in what we are able to do rather than an inborn sense of self-worth.  True intimacy comes when we find we have fallen short and still are still loved.  It is in these moments that we are awakened to the freeing power of love, freeing us to be ourselves and to love others no matter what.  As we all know, it does not take any effort to love perfection.  So consider being more of an explorer; explore vulnerability in relationships and patience with any known imperfections.

[Tip Four] Practice Enjoyment!  All too often, we allow our ideas or practices to grow into more than we intended.  For instance, we allow dieting and exercise to begin to consume us.  Rather, we can simply enjoy the practice of a healthy lifestyle while allowing occasional extravagant treats or lazy days.  Creating room for our humanity amidst striving to be better is the mark of a beautifully balanced life.  And for those of us who struggle with perfectionism, we can simply choose to enjoy our competence, our tenacity, and our drive for greatness – without letting it consume us.  We can appreciate perfectionism for what it is, and not allow it to grow beyond where we can still enjoy it.

Perfectionism, by its very nature, demands that we fit into a mold.  However, if each of us are unique beings, then we each have a mold of our own, unlike anyone else.  As we grow into the fullest versions of ourselves, it will help to practice self-compassion, a sense of humor, honest vulnerability, and fearlessness in our journey.  When we can embrace our imperfections, we are becoming more authentic versions of ourselves – and becoming perfectly us.

Check out Celestine Chua’s indicators to help us spot if we, ourselves, struggle with perfectionism.  Enjoy the journey!

how to tell if youre a perfectionist

Lesley Anne Mendonça

 

Lesley Anne Mendonça,

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Communication, Compassion, Counseling, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Empathy, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : anxiety, compassion, counseling, emotional intelligence, emotions and relationships, Empathy, family therapy, patience, perfectionism, self-care
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