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Archive for social skills

The Best Way To Save Your Relationship

Posted by Taylor Knox on
 February 7, 2017

Most people believe that the best way to save their relationship is by communicating better or changing their partner. While these are nice when they happen, the problem is they hinge on both people working together.  Alternatively, one way to positively impact your relationship is to focus on growing yourself so you can learn to be a better partner.

In an attempt to simplify this seemingly overwhelming task, consider these four concepts Dr. David Schnarsh calls the four points of balance leading to more successful interpersonal relationships.

Solid-flexible self:

a person’s ability to be clear about what they value, and who they are, while in close proximity to others who are important to them.

Having a solid flexible self means not having to put a physical or emotional distance between yourself and someone else because they have different beliefs than you do. A person with a solid-flexible sense of self can be influenced by others, but does not compromise their own sense of self. They have a clear picture of themselves and are willing to share this with others in a way that allows others to know them more deeply. This person can entertain the thoughts and values of others without losing their own identity.

Quiet mind-calm heart:

a person’s ability to self-sooth.

Having a quiet mind and calm heart encompasses regulating your own emotions, feelings, and anxieties instead of allowing yourself to be comforted or controlled by others. A quiet mind and calm heart is key for the struggle for individual autonomy. If a person is not able to self-sooth they are not capable of functioning alone. In time, they become dependent on their partner leading to a reactive desire for autonomy and ultimately less intimacy. As one learns to self-regulate and self-soothe one also learns how to be closer to those they care about. For more on how to do this, see what Dr. Amy Fuller has to say about using a green light practice.

Grounded Responding:

a person’s ability to stay calm and assertive when their partner gets anxious.

This means accepting your partner’s strengths and quirks without trying to change your partner to make yourself less anxious. Ultimately, this is tolerating a partner’s differences while staying close to them.  When you respond instead of react you are addressing and not avoiding what is happening in the relationship with adult language and behavior.

Meaningful Endurance:

a person’s ability to deal with discomfort knowing it may produce growth.

Meaningful endurance is about facing your issues and working towards resolution within relationships instead of avoiding challenges or giving up. When we have meaningful endurance we keep trying even though we are not sure we will find success and even if it doesn’t feel good.  This ability to tolerate pain for growth is key to attaining long-term goals.

Putting it together

All of these concepts are related and build on each other. As you master one skill and move on to the next, areas of weakness will emerge. Focus on the weak areas as a challenge to grow personally and observe the impact these practices have on the relationship.

When put into practice, these four concepts of personal growth create the possibility of a more satisfying relationship without focusing on your partner’s flaws or other things outside of your control.    For more information check the Crucible Therapy website or pick up a copy of Dr. David Schnarch’s book Intimacy & Desire.

Learning to grow as a person is always challenging. Finding a good therapist to walk with you in this journey can be very helpful.  If you are in the Houston area, Fuller Life Family Therapy has therapists dedicated to models of personal growth.

Stay tuned,

Taylor Knox, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LPC-S

Categories : Boundaries, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : boundaries, mental health, relationships, self-awareness, social skills

The Secret Life of the Introvert

Posted by Shani Bell on
 January 12, 2017
  · No Comments

The Myth

Are you the life of the party? The center of attention wherever you go? Then, clearly you are an extrovert, right? Not necessarily. Traits like being outgoing, friendly and confident tend to be more closely associated with extroverts than with introverts based on public knowledge of these terms, but these are not the real tell-tale signs. If we take a closer look at the essence of an introvert, we might find some hidden introverts among the class of outgoing attention-getters.

 

The Science

According to researcher Jonathan Cheek, there are actually four different types of introverts. His STAR model includes social, thinking, anxious and restrained. The first type, social, more closely fits the common understanding of introvert. This describes someone who is not timid but avoids the crowd and would prefer to stay home alone than party with friends. The thinker is a type who is described as imaginative and introspective rather than nonsocial. Those who are considered the anxious type are, like the social type, more socially averse. Their dislike of the crowd is due more to fear than personal preference. Finally, the restrained type is simply slower to get moving. These introverts tend to take their time processing information, thinking deeply before responding to a situation. But that does not mean that once they get going, they shy away from a social situation.

Scott Barry Kaufmann, finds that there are thinkers and restrained types that still score highly for in enthusiasm and assertiveness, traits people usually associate with being extroverted. Kaufman even stated that the social- and anxious-introvert may have an inward aversion to crowds but still have a desire to be highly social that causes them to move past their apprehensions. You might actually know (or be) an introvert who pushes herself to be a social butterfly.

So the science shows that determining the introvert is not quite as simple as comparing wallflowers to superstars. People are typically on a spectrum somewhere between introversion and extroversion. And introversion, itself, is a mixture of factors, such as introspection and level of sensitivity to the environment, that go beyond sociability.

The Point

Who really cares? You may wonder what the importance is of understanding introversion as a trait. Self-awareness and understanding those in your circle are key to properly caring for your own needs and knowing how to interact positively with others. Comprehending the tendencies of an introvert can help you identify when to give yourself or others space to re-energize. Knowing that you or a loved one may operate differently can lead to a greater sense of acceptance that nurtures positive relationship, either with yourself or the introvert in your life.

The Test

Do you think you are an introvert? Take this short test to see if you are and where you fit: http://www.quietrev.com/the-introvert-test/

 

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky, The Human Brain
Tags : emotional intelligence, human brain, mental health, self-awareness, social skills

Communication: Do the Words You Choose Determine the Response You Get?

Posted by Taylor Knox on
 October 29, 2015

We’ve all been there. It starts out with a mindless comment, “You never clean the kitchen. It feels like I am the only one in this house who ever cleans up.” Before you know it you’re in an argument over who-knows-what and neither of you understand how it even began. Often times, ineffective communication can create a gap where the sender intends one message, but the receiver hears something totally different. Luckily, there is help. With a little mindfulness, communication and relationships can be improved. It starts with learning about common habits that lead to ineffective communication. After reading this blog series you will understand how we sometimes unintentionally send a negative message and how we can change these messages to be more effective in communicating what we are really trying to say.

Characteristics of ineffective communication: Part One

“You” Language Plus Directives

People often use certain types of “you” language that elicit a negative response from the listener, such as, ”you need to,” “you should,” and “you better.” Directives or statements that give orders or pass negative judgments on people are often paired with these “you” statements and the result is frequently a negative response from the listener.

Avoid saying things like:

  • “You better not miss class again.”
  • “You have to listen to me.”
  • “You are doing it wrong.”

“You should pay more attention”

How would you respond if someone said that to you? Most people do not like to be told what to do. By nature, statements like this often provoke a “no” response. The receiver of these types of messages feels defensive or resentful.

If we should avoid using “you” language, what can we use instead? I-statements are a tool that can be used to assign the emotional responsibility to the speaker rather than blaming the listener. I-statements use the pronoun “I” which helps the speaker take ownership of the statement.

Effective I-statements contain three elements:

  • A brief, non-blaming, description of the behavior you find unacceptable
  • Your feelings
  • The tangible and concrete effect of the behavior on you

Examples of effective I-statements:

  • I felt disappointment when the principal called with another report of misconduct.
  • I feel frustrated when I’m not heard and I need to repeat myself.
  • I feel angry when I have to redo things.

I-statements allow the receiver to understand and relate to the emotional response the sender is having and in turn they are more likely to modify their behavior accordingly.

Universal Statements

“You always do this”

Universal statements are troublesome in many ways. First, universal statements mean that the sender of the message believes there is no room for change. They also discourage change by pointing out what is wrong in the person, rather than what they are doing correctly. Lastly, and most likely to provoke an argument, universal statements are very easy to dispute. The receiver of the message only has to come up with one example that contradicts the statement. For example, “You never wash the car” can be contradicted with “That is not true, I washed it the second week we had it, two years ago.” Universal statements are over-generalized, negative, and an easy way to begin an argument.

Often paired with “you” language, universal statements are generalizations about a person’s character or behavior with a negative emphasis. Common words to avoid using include: “so,” “always,” “never,” “again,” “everyone,” and “every time.”

Avoid saying things like:

  • “You are such a slob.”
  • “You are never on time.”
  • “You did it wrong ”

Situational statements can be used in place of universal statements to change the response the sender elicits. By reframing the problem behavior into a specific situation, the sender communicates that there is room for improvement and change. This can be more motivating to the person receiving the message. Situation specific statements are also useful when addressing negative behaviors because they allow the sender to speak to a certain situation where there is room for improvement, without overgeneralizing the negativity to the person’s character.

Try using statements like:

  • “I am concerned about the struggle to keep things tidy lately.”
  • “It would mean a lot to me if you could please let me know when you will be late.”
  • “This didn’t work out so well. What can we do differently next time?”

Once we learn to recognize the ineffective habits we have in communicating, we can work towards finding better ways to communicate.

  • Recognizing “you” plus directives and universal statements is a great place to start.
  • Next, see if you can replace these with I-statements and situational statements to change the response from the receiver.

Check back in for part two on ineffective communication to learn more tools for better communication.

You can also get more information on ineffective communication in Preston Ni’s Communication Success.

If you found this blog to be helpful, feel free to hit the “share” button; your friends and family may find it useful as well.

Stay tuned,

Taylor Knox, Practicum Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Communication, Couples, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : Communication, couples, I-statements, relationships, social skills, universal statements

The Five Habits of Assertive People

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 April 7, 2015
  · No Comments

Assertiveness is a term that is widely known, yet often misunderstood.  Many think it means to always get one’s way or to be the most powerful person in a room.  It is important to distinguish between assertiveness and aggression.

In relationships each person has needs, and often our needs can conflict with one another.  The question then becomes: How can we best assert our needs in those tense moments?

The best way to share needs is through direct communication.  Though the temptation may be to become aggressive, manipulative or passive-aggressive.  These less-healthy habits of communication may let off steam temporarily, however, they slowly deteriorate the quality of the relationship.  Aggression often involves emotional communication that can be demeaning, blaming and accusing.  Passive-aggression and manipulation both entail undertones of guilting and hurting others by reminding them of their inadequacies.

The Value of Self-Assertion

Assertive people practice communication that is clear, non-emotional and respectful of others.  There is no blame or accusation, but rather openness to both speak and listen.  Those who are assertive are able to clearly state their needs, yet respond calmly if their needs are not met.  Assertiveness also involves offering helpful counter-solutions and not giving up easily when there are bumps in the road.  So how can you start to practice healthy assertion?  By practicing these habits.

How to Build Assertiveness

  1. Practice self-confidence. Assertiveness often flows from a place of confidence in one’s own worth and needs. This is not to be confused with aggressiveness or disregard for others.
  2. Tolerate discomfort. Asserting needs can often be uncomfortable, as it can breed tension or conflict. Tolerating discomfort enables you to move into respectful compromise.
  3. Offer positive solutions. When needs conflict, morale can often begin to run short. Positive and collaborative solutions go a long way to keep relationships strong.
  4. Respect boundaries. No matter issue, each person has her own emotional boundaries. A healthy awareness of every person’s inherent “bill of rights” (link) can help navigate conflicting needs.
  5. Practice perseverance. Taking a time-out when negotiating can be a wonderful solution if tension runs high.  The key is to not give up prematurely!  Self-assertion takes courage, resolve and patience.

Are you curious about where you are on the assertiveness scale?  Richard Jaffe, certified professional coactive coach (CPCC) offers a simple assertiveness self-assessment.

Good luck in the journey!

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : Assertiveness, emotional regulation, self-assertion, social skills

Healing Practices: The Importance of Play

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 April 23, 2013

This is our second post in a series where we explore daily practices that nurture and encourage healing. Our last post discussed the “Healing Power of Beautiful Spaces.”

Daily habits can contribute to increased levels of happiness and contentment. Several practices have been proven to decrease levels of anxiety and depression. Moreover, we can increase the functionality of our immune systems, and our feelings of well being. Just as we pick up our toothbrush every day, we can begin to create new habits that influence the way we feel.

Jet skisThe Importance of Play

Life is far too serious a matter to take too seriously. Jon Kabat-Zinn

What happens to play when we are adults? We watch as our children run, jump, explore, and pretend. They get lost in their imaginations and lose sight of their inhibitions. Then, somewhere along the years, we receive the message that we need to start acting our age. Unfortunately, when we stop making time for play, we become more stressed, and our feelings of happiness and well-being diminish.

 

Enhances Well-Being

The opposite of play is not work… it is depression. Stuart Brown

Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, explores ten research driven “guideposts” Women Knittingwe can cultivate to live more fully. “Cultivating Play and Rest” is the seventh guidepost. In her blog, Brown describes her journey in learning to incorporate the practice of play into her own life:

In our culture our TO-DO lists are so extensive that we feel like slackers if we are not working to check off tasks every single minute of the day and night. Even sleep has started to feel self-indulgent. Stuart Brown identifies losing track of time as an important property of play. Understanding this property of play has taught me a lot about myself. For me, nesting is play. Piddling around my house is play. Editing photos is play…

Play is essential to creating balance in our modern life. Sometimes we treat ourselves like machines, as we work longer and harder hours to meet 62604_10200330807986283_991488260_nthe demands of an ever-increasing workload and responsibilities. The demands continue to pile on, in spite of our efforts, until we feel overwhelmed and burned-out. This endless treadmill of tasks and demands can affect health and relationships as it can lead to depression, anxiety, or anger.

When we allow ourselves time for rest and play, we begin to feel human again.  “Because work is where we spend much of our time, it is especially important for us to play during work. Without some recreation, our work suffers. Success at work does not depend on the amount of time you work. It depends upon the quality of your work. And the quality of your work is highly dependent on your well-being.” (Gina Kemp, M.A., Melinda Smith, M.A., Bernie DeKoven, and Jeanne Segal, 2012)

What is Play?

In his book, Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, HikingStuart Brown lists seven properties of play:

  • Play is voluntary
  • It makes you feel good
  • It is fun without a purpose
  • We lose track of time
  • In the midst of play we forget to be self-conscious
  • The process of play encourages improvisation. It is not rigid.
  • Play creates a desire to continue (We get hooked because it feels good!)

Mind-Body Connection

Bicycling

What happens when we actively schedule time for play into our daily lives? Our brain lights up!

  • Play improves cognitive abilities such as problem solving skills and memory.
  • Play improves relationships with others as it increases flexibility, fosters creativity, improves social skills, and reduces stress.
  • Play spices up our loves life as it fosters, joy, bonding, trust, and intimacy.
  • Play releases endorphins (the “feel good” hormone) into the body.

Make Time for Play

Play is an essential element of mental health. The next time someone says, “You should act your age,” remember the tremendous benefits of play for the mind, body, and relationships. Take some time this week to run out and explore, pretend, laugh, and play a pointless game with a friend. Make time to play.

Stuart Brown: Play is More than Fun

Stuart Brown: Plenty of play in childhood makes for happy, smart adults -- and keeping it up can make us smarter at any age.

More Resources on Play

  • Playful Activities for Couples
  • Pointless Games for Families and Groups
  • Great article and resources: Play, Creativity, and Lifelong Learning: Why Play Matters for Both Kids and Adults.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Couples, Covid-19, Emotional Intelligence, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Mental Health, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky, Stress Management, The Human Brain
Tags : couples, emotional intelligence, emotions, marriage, mental health, parenting, relationships, self-care practices, social skills, stress management

Celebrate Together: How Our Responses Make or Break Our Relationships.

Posted by JenniferChristian on
 April 30, 2012
  · No Comments

We all want to be heard. Our responses to one another impact the health of our relationships. When we share something of ourselves with another person, and they respond in a caring, empathetic way, we feel important and cared about by that person. When we celebrate, they celebrate with us!

On the other hand, when we share something with someone we care about and they respond in a way that discounts our experience, we feel hurt and frustrated. In other words, “How we respond can either build the relationship or undermine it.” (Seligman, 2011)

This holds true in any relationship. Picture a child as they come inside the house grasping a flower they just picked. Notice how their eyes sparkle as they hold the plant gently and anticipate momma’s response to their gift. The mother may respond in several ways. She might kneel down at the child’s level, mirror the delight, and place the flower in a glass of water where everyone can see. She also might notice that the flower happens to be one of her award-winning roses, and reprimand the child for destroying her hard work. Or she might understandably be too tired or busy, half-heartedly notice the flower, and tell the child to find a place for it.

Martin Seligman in his recent book, Flourish, discusses how an active and constructive response builds connection and makes room for relationships to flourish. He lists four possible types of responses: active and constructive, passive and constructive, active and destructive, and passive and destructive.

Here is an example from the book:

Your partner shares a positive event: “I received a promotion and a raise at work!”

Active and constructive response: “That is great! I am so proud of you. I know how important that promotion was to you! Please relive the event with me now. Where were you when your boss told you? What did he say? How did you react? We should go out and celebrate.” Nonverbal: maintaining eye contact, displays positive emotions, such as genuine smiling, touching, and laughing.

Passive and Constructive: “That is good news. You deserve it.” Nonverbal: little or no active emotional expression.

Active and Destructive: “That sounds like a lot of responsibility to take on. Are you going to spend even fewer nights at home now?” Nonverbal: displays of negative emotions, such as furrowed brow, frowning.

Passive and Destructive: “What’s for dinner?” Nonverbal: little to no eye contact, turning away, leaving the room.

Active and constructive responding may not seem natural at first, and may take some work. However, the benefits it will bring are worth it in any relationship.

In order to practice active and constructive response(s), here are some key things to keep in mind:

  • Remember that you care about this person.
  • Maintain good eye contact.
  • Be curious! Ask questions to learn more about the other person’s experience.
  • Give them a hug.
  • Smile.

Becoming aware of our style will help us to stop behaviors that may be harmful and create new ways of reacting. Celebrate together and our relationships cannot help but flourish.

Seligman, Martin, (2011). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being.

Contributed by:

Jennifer Christian, M.A., LPC

Categories : Communication, Emotional Intelligence, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : Communication, communication skills, couples, emotional intelligence, relationships, social skills
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