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Archive for Valentines Day

Does Intimacy Make for Good Sex? 

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 February 13, 2018
  · No Comments

The beginning of a relationship is filled with excitement and possibility. Getting to know a new person and allowing them to get to know you is thrilling and daunting at the same time. Passion, excitement and curiosity swirl at this stage. However, this period is unlikely to last very long. Slowly, as the relationship progresses, familiarity, routine and a sense of security begins to set in. Intimacy, often defined as knowing the other and being known, begins to grow.  

Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, suggests that what makes for good intimacy does not always make for good sex. Good intimacy often involves the feeling of being emotionally “close”, such as with deep conversations, growing familiarity, and self-disclosure. Emotional closeness and physical intimacy do not always directly correlate and may have a more complex relationship.  

According to Perel, in order for connection to happen, there needs to be an implied separateness. We cannot move closer together if we are already wrapped up in one another. Eroticism is movement toward the other, but we often seek to eliminate otherness in our close relationships by focusing solely on how we are similar and involving each other in every aspect of our lives.  

In other words, being separate is a requirement for actually being close. We are usually uncomfortable with this separateness and experience anxiety and insecurity. But this very discomfort is a what helps to maintain our interest and sexual desire. Fire needs air. Desire needs mystery. 

So, how do you keep desire alive? 

  1. Develop and cultivate your own “secret garden”. Perel suggests that rather than considering separateness as pulling away from the other, consider it to be the development of personal intimacy. Get to know yourself, your unique interests, hobbies, talents and dreams and go after them! 
  1. Recognize and allow for the ways your partner remains mysterious to you. Instead of, at the end of the day, pressing for every detail that filled the preceding hours when you were apart, allow for the “space between” the two of you to exist. Additionally, appreciate the ways your partner, though he or she may be similar to you in some ways, thinks and acts and sees the world differently than you do.  

Maintaining love and desire in committed relationships involves finding the balance between surrendering to the “other” and maintaining autonomy and a sense of self.  This is both a challenging and exciting journey! 

Perel, Esther. (2007). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.

 

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships, Sexual Education, Sticky
Tags : intimacy, marriage, relationships, sex, sexual desire, Valentines Day

Valentine’s Day Emergency!

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 February 14, 2013

Valentines Day EmergencyDrawing a blank on what to do for Valentine’s Day? The pressure to please can sap the romance right out of a day that is intended to be about enjoying your relationship. As is the case in many relationships, perhaps the romance secretly escaped your relationship about the same time you said “I do.” While your love for your significant other has increased over time perhaps it has become increasingly difficult to figure out how to communicate it.

Have no fear. Here are a few last minute suggestions:

  • Are there small kids in the family? After they are put to bed spread a quilt over the floor in the living room and have an indoor candle lit picnic. Set the mood. Light a candle, put on their favorite music and share some chocolate-dipped strawberries that you brought home with you.
  • Share 10 things you love about your spouse.
  • Make a CD of their favorite songs from when you were dating.
  • Write your own card.
  • Play the Love Map Game to show your desire to get to know each other better and have a few laughs.
  • Low on funds? Put on your finest clothes. Then take a tablecloth and candle to your favorite fast food restaurant. Enjoy the funny looks others give you all.
  • Identify your favorite characteristics in your partner. Share your favorite memory of a time that those traits were on display.
  • Share favorite memories of significant moments in your relationship over dinner.
  • Do the small things. Leave notes. Buy flowers. Eat together. Talk. Even if it doesn’t seem grand it may be more meaningful to them than you know.
  • Has your relationship been on the rocks? Book a couples therapy session with us and tell them how important the relationship is to you.

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFTA

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships
Tags : Couples exercises, Romance, Romantic ideas, Valentines Day
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Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute
  • Home
    • Our Story
    • Our Core Values
    • Partner with Us
    • Our Training
    • Donate
  • Info
    • Our Locations
    • New Client Forms
    • Therapy Fees
    • Information for New clients
    • Secure Inquiry Form
    • Initial Session Form
    • Telemental Health Consent Form
  • Services
    • Individual Counseling
    • Couples Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Counseling Kids
    • Counseling with Teens
    • Speaking Engagements
  • Team
    • Harold Gibson, Student Therapist
    • Lindsay Perry, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Stephanie Jordan, Resident Therapist, Loop
    • Chantail Green, Resident Therapist
    • Dormetra Henry, Resident Therapist
    • Riya Roney, Resident Therapist
    • Dr. Amy Fuller, Clinical Director
  • Resources
    • Houston Sliding-Scale Therapy Agencies
    • Mental Health Resources
      • Depression
      • Anxiety
    • Local Houston Resources
      • Helpful Books
      • Personal Bill of Rights
    • Healing Practices
      • Benefits of Self-Compassion
      • Self-Care Practices
      • Self-Compassion
  • Blog
    • Blog Grid
    • Resilient Relationships
    • Befriending Anxiety
    • Dancing Through Depression
    • Growing Kids and Teens
    • Healing Practices
    • Healing Trauma and Loss
    • Living Free from Addiction
    • Managing Anger and Stress
    • Sex Therapy
    • Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families
    • Mindful Eating
    • Practicing Faith
  • New Year New You Challenge
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