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Archive for Social Skills

Do You Talk Dirty to Yourself?

Posted by Manet Castaneda on
 March 2, 2018
  · No Comments

If you find yourself guilty of engaging in harmful self-talk, do not fret, you are not alone. Many of us are guilty of using shaming or denigrating language to speak to ourselves on a daily basis. Our intimate thoughts can sometimes be a scary place, especially when they are riddled with negativity and self-hate. How often do we take time to notice the way we “talk dirty” to ourselves?

Better yet, how often do we take the time to reframe those negative thoughts into more compassionate musings? If you are like many individuals, it is likely that you have not taken the time to notice your negative self-talk, much less considered speaking more kindly to yourself. Here is a three-step process for identifying and reshaping damaging self-talk.

First Step: Notice our Dirty Talk

Where does our dirty talk come from? For most, it comes from a combination of experiences and interactions we have with others- parents, teachers, classmates or coworkers. Regardless of where your negative self-talk comes from, it is important to identify it and recognize how it infiltrates your day-to-day routine. Here are a few examples of distorted self-talk:

– I am not good at my job

– I’ll never be good at anything

– I am not smart enough

– If only I was thinner

– I’m so stupid

Second Step: Swap Your Dirty Talk

If you are able to identify your negative self-talk, then you are taking a step towards changing the way that you experience your world and the people in it. While identifying dirty talk is important, if what you want is to live a more growth promoting life then it is important make steps towards changing those self-damaging thoughts. One way to do this is by writing down your internal negative thoughts and reversing them. For example:

– I am not good at my job vs I work hard at my job

– I’ll never be good at anything vs I am good at several things

– I am not smart enough vs I work hard to learn new things

Third Step: Challenge Your Dirty Talk

The last step and possibly the most challenging, is to provide yourself with reasons why the reversed thought is true. Distorted self-talk is just that, distorted. Which means that the things you tell yourself are most likely untrue and there is evidence in your own experiences to prove this. For example:

– I am good at my job because I work hard to complete my tasks

– I am good at many things like reading, and helping around the house

– I am smart because I take time to learn new things

– I am not stupid because I am able to accomplish many tasks thought my day

Reframing your dirty talk may be a very challenging thing to do, especially when you are unaware that you are doing it to yourself. However, you can rise to the challenge. If you want to positively change the way you perceive yourself and your experiences, you can. Retraining yourself will take a conscious effort, but the outcome will be very rewarding. Change your negative self-talk step-by-step and leave the dirty talk for the bedroom.

For more information on changing your negative self-talk check out Dr. Helmstetter’s book What to Say When you Talk to your Self.

For more information on self talk, visit Taylor Dickerson’s blog.

 

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Cognitive Reframing, Cognitive Reframing, Compassion, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : cognitive distortions, cognitive reframing, mental health, positive self talk, self-awareness

Learning to Let Go: Choicemaking for Adult Children with Special Needs

Posted by FullerLife on
 November 1, 2017
  · No Comments

It can be difficult for any parent to learn to let their adult children go off into the world to succeed, and inevitably, fail on their own. The desire to protect is a strong one and may be especially true of parents of children with special needs. These parents may wonder what adult life could possibly look like for their children and whether their children could receive the same level of care and support from the world that they have at home.

The transition to adulthood is a long and ongoing process that begins in infancy and continues long past your child’s 18thbirthday as your child gradually becomes more independent.

Self-determination, which is about making choices and decisions that affect one’s own life, is an important aspect of fostering independence (PBS, Mitchell, 2012). In fact, choice-making is viewed in Western society as part of transition to adulthood (Mitchell, 2012).

Encouraging self-determination and choice-making does not mean allowing your child to make every single decision that impacts his or her life. But, it does mean gradually relinquishing parental control in order to allow your children to develop the skills and self-confidence necessary to manage doing some things on their own.

In wanting to protect their children and keep them from harm, some parents of older children may even make decisions for their children without them being aware of the decision in the first place (Mitchell, 2012). There is a fine line between being a protective, concerned parent and becoming overprotective. Nevertheless, overprotective parenting, even with the best of intentions, can have a negative impact on your child’s self-esteem and perception of their capabilities (Sanders, 2006).

It is helpful to consider family choice-making along a continuum (adapted from Mitchell, 2012)…

1. Exclusionary –

Here the aim is to protect the child. This results in the child not being involved in the choice.

2. Informative –

The aim is to help he child understand and participate in choice-making, but parents make the final decision.

3. Collaborative

Parents support and empower the child’s choice-making

4. Delegatory

The choice is completely handed over to the child.

Families may adopt differing choice-making styles depending on the decision at hand and the level of risk involved. For example, the choice of which school to attend may more easily fall into the informative andcollaborative,or evendelegatory, categories. However, the decision to undergo a life-changing surgery is more likely to fall into the exclusionary or informative categories.

Here are a few questions to consider as you think of ways to support the growing independence of your child (adapted from PBS.org) ….

  • What are our familys ideas about becoming a successful adult?

  • How does our family make decisions? Do children have a say?

  • How might my child participate in decision making? In what ways does our family support choice making for our children?

It is every parents’ desire to see their children living to their full potential. Encouraging wise and appropriate choice-making is one way to watch your children grow and flourish as adults.

 

Resources

http://www.pbs.org/parents/education/learning-disabilities/fostering-independence-in-children/

http://www.eparent.com/special-needs-connect/parent-long-process-letting-go/

Sanders KY. Overprotection and lowered expectations of persons with disabilities: the unforeseen consequences. Work, 2006;27(2):181-8

Mitchell, 2012.Parents’ accounts: Factors considered when deciding how far to involve their son/daughter with learning disabilities in choice-making. Children and Youth Services Review, 34: 1560-1569.

 

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Communication, Counseling, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : adult children, choicemaking, learning disabilities, special needs children

The Ripple Effects of Autism Spectrum Disorder on the Family

Posted by Tamara Tatum on
 June 29, 2017
  · No Comments

Angry outbursts and sudden withdrawal, hypersensitivity to touch and sound, yet insensitivity in interpersonal interactions – these seeming contradictions are all too familiar for families of children with autism spectrum disorder.

For these families, life may be draining at times with small tasks requiring much effort.  Yet, discovering the world through the lens of an ASD child is something special.  It goes without saying that a diagnosis of ASD impacts the entire family. Let’s take a look at the three major players: the child with ASD, the sibling(s) and the parent(s).

 

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

One way to think about ASD is the distinction between dynamic and static intelligence (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Children with ASD can have average to above average static intelligence. For example, they can remember facts about a topic of interest or rigidly adhere to rules and rituals.  But, the struggle is with dynamic intelligence – being able to read the environment and to respond with flexibility. This is why we see kids with ASD often desiring consistency and struggling with transition and novelty.

Hope for Change

Good news! According to Sue Simmons of Equinox Family Consulting, dynamic intelligence can be taught. Dynamic intelligence is the ability to intuitively understand and respond according to a “feedback loop” of interaction. Information is sent out from A and received by B, and feedback is sent from B to A.  Parents can help their children begin to understand the feedback loop by…

  • Slowing down everyday processes and interactions, explaining them step by step to their child  and gradually introducing more novelty (Simmons, 2013).
  • Making the feedback more noticeable. Parents can exaggerate the feedback their child would receive based on their behavior by making responses more noticeable. For example, instead of expecting the ASD child to interpret subtle body language, clear and explicit statements like, “when you said/did that, it made me really sad/happy/mad, etc. ” or exaggerated facial expressions when mad/happy/sad/etc. will be more easily understood.

2. The Siblings

The siblings of children with ASD are at risk for higher emotional and behavioral problems (Solomon and Chung, 2012). At times, they may feel invisible – with much attention going to their brother or sister with ASD, the added responsibility required of them,  and perhaps with restrictions on social activities. Or, they may feel the pressure to be in the spotlight – to overachieve in order to compensate for their sibling’s limitations (Solomon and Chung, 2012).

Making the “Invisible” Visible

There are many ways to let siblings know they are cared for…

  • Risk an outburst. While it is known to be helpful to stick to structure, schedules and routines with children who have ASD, it is okay to vary from this order at times (and potentially be met with a tantrum) to meet the needs of the other siblings.
  • Carve out one-on-one bonding time. Or, find other creative ways to make them feel special.
  • Encourage healthy peer relationships. Perhaps even with other children who have siblings with special needs.

3. The Parents

Learning of their child’s diagnosis is likely a daunting and upsetting experience for most parents. It may take time to learn how to cope with having an ASD child, as well as to learn how to grieve the loss of what they might have hoped and expected their child to be and to achieve. It can also be frustrating that in spite of good parenting skills and much patience, life with an ASD child continues to be challenging and stressful.

Research has shown that there is a “spillover effect” flowing both ways between the parenting relationship and the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016). A difficult day of parenting the ASD child can lead to the experience of fewer positive couple interactions. Similarly, when there is more negative emotions and tension in the couple’s relationship, it spills over into a more stressful parenting. Interestingly, what tends to be most stressful for parents is not the limitations of the ASD child as much as the handling of the negative behavior (tantrums, rituals, etc.) (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Parents of ASD children are also at risk for more disagreements as to how to best handle these child-related challenges. This can, in turn, cause strain on the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016).

Care for the Caregivers

Parents can take the following important steps to ensure that they are meeting their own needs and advocating effectively for the entire family…

  • Take time to invest in their marital relationship.  Go out on dates, seek couples’ counseling, etc.
  • Discuss common goals and parenting strategies. Try to have both parents attend doctor appointments, IEP meetings, etc. to be on the same page.
  • Develop a strong support network. It can be easy for ASD families to isolate themselves. However, developing a strong support network and seeking out resources for the family will ease some of the burden on the couple’s relationship.

Learning how to balance the needs of the ASD child, sibling(s) and parent(s) will never be easy. But, for families of children with ASD, there is much to be gained in learning patience and compassion.

References:

Solomon, A.H. and Chung, B. (2012) Understanding Autism: How Family Therapists can Support Parents of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Family Process 51:250-264.

http://equinoxfamilyconsulting.com/intelligence/asd-help-understanding-dynamic-intelligence-versus-static-intelligence/

http://www.apa.org/pi/disability/resources/publications/newsletter/2016/09/parents-children-autism.aspx

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Developmental Disorders, Family Therapy, Parenting, Relationships, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : ASD, autism spectrum disorder, family therapy

The Practice of Resilience

Posted by Angela Blocker on
 May 8, 2017

Everyone reaches a point when moving forward seems impossible. You feel you’ve given your best in your marriage, with your family and in your friendships. You’re are working harder and harder but none of your hard work seems to be paying off. You seem to fail repeatedly. What happens after you’ve tried and failed again and again?

Often, we feel hopeless.

In the 1960’s, researchers studied the learning process by conducting experiments measuring in response to rewards or punishments. This form of learning was called classical conditioning. Originally It was researched by physiologist Ivan Pavlov in his pioneering study who taught dogs to salivate at the ringing of a bell. The work of the 1960’s expanded upon the classical conditioning learning approach by investigating the role of motivation.

Dr. Martin Seligman, known as the father of Positive Psychology, and his colleagues conducted a similar experiment with dogs testing motivation. The dogs would hear a bell followed a light shock administered to the dog. In time, the dogs learned to respond to the shock when the bell sounded. Seligman and his fellow researches did not expect what happened next.

All the dogs were then placed in large crates with a low fence in between. One side of the fence had an electrified floor. Researches gave a light shock when the dogs were on the electrified side but to their surprise, the dogs did not jump to the non-shocking side of the fence. Instead, they laid down. The dogs learned from the first part of the experiment that they were powerless to avoid the shocks. A new set of dogs that had not experienced the shock jumped right over the fence.

This condition was described as “learned helplessness.” This is a state where someone does not attempt to escape a negative situation because the past traumas or persistent failure has taught them powerlessness.

In any situation where they have repeatedly tried and failed, people can develop learned helplessness.

But it can be unlearned.

Dr. Seligman wrote an article on how to become resilient. He offered these suggestions:

1. Increase mental toughness

Notice and dispute unrealistic beliefs. Often, our thoughts about the consequences or outcome have a greater impact than the consequences or outcomes themselves.

Dr. Seligman incorporates the ABCD model to explain:

C=emotional (C)onsequences (“I’m unloveable”) stem not directly from A = (A)dversity (Ex: crisis in relationship) but from B=one’s (B)eliefs about adversity (Ex:“’This is the end of the world for me”). The trick here is to (D)ispute unrealistic beliefs about adversity. (Ex: Is it really the end of the world?).

This ABCD approach was modeled from Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy Albert Ellis’ and is a way to create new possibilities by viewing setbacks in new ways.

2. Play to your strengths

Dr. Seligman oversaw the development of a test highlighting the core characteristics and best qualities of a person. Identify your strengths. Consider your top strengths and how each as allowed you to accomplish your previous goals. Take time to evaluate which strengths do not come as naturally to you and put effort into developing them. Write a narrative about how your strengths have served you in challenging situations.

3. Give yourself a real compliment.

Dr. Seligman said to be specific in your compliments. This idea comes from Carol Dweck, author of MindSet and next generation researcher of learned helplessness. Dweck believes most basic abilities can be developed through dedication, hard work and accurate praise. When you work hard, instead of telling yourself, “Good job. I’m awesome!” Be specific. Say, “Today I did a really good job at maintaining eye contact.” Or “I have been trying really hard the last few weeks to be attentive in my marriage by doing the dishes the way my wife likes.” “I have been training every day for a week even when I didn’t want to. I’m proud of myself for that.” When you’ve been working hard, reward yourself by stating it so it encourages you to continue in the future.

Resilience isn’t easy, but like any skill is learned. Take time to look at a situation differently, work your strengths as you move through it and acknowledge your hard work. Fuller Life helps people strengthen and motivate themselves towards long-term resilience.

Contributed by Angela Blocker , M.A, LMFT Associate

Clinical Supervision by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT, LPC

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Covid-19, Emotional Intelligence, Lifestyle, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Self-Care Practices, Social Skills, Stress Management
Tags : depression, resilience

The Best Way To Save Your Relationship

Posted by Taylor Knox on
 February 7, 2017

Most people believe that the best way to save their relationship is by communicating better or changing their partner. While these are nice when they happen, the problem is they hinge on both people working together.  Alternatively, one way to positively impact your relationship is to focus on growing yourself so you can learn to be a better partner.

In an attempt to simplify this seemingly overwhelming task, consider these four concepts Dr. David Schnarsh calls the four points of balance leading to more successful interpersonal relationships.

Solid-flexible self:

a person’s ability to be clear about what they value, and who they are, while in close proximity to others who are important to them.

Having a solid flexible self means not having to put a physical or emotional distance between yourself and someone else because they have different beliefs than you do. A person with a solid-flexible sense of self can be influenced by others, but does not compromise their own sense of self. They have a clear picture of themselves and are willing to share this with others in a way that allows others to know them more deeply. This person can entertain the thoughts and values of others without losing their own identity.

Quiet mind-calm heart:

a person’s ability to self-sooth.

Having a quiet mind and calm heart encompasses regulating your own emotions, feelings, and anxieties instead of allowing yourself to be comforted or controlled by others. A quiet mind and calm heart is key for the struggle for individual autonomy. If a person is not able to self-sooth they are not capable of functioning alone. In time, they become dependent on their partner leading to a reactive desire for autonomy and ultimately less intimacy. As one learns to self-regulate and self-soothe one also learns how to be closer to those they care about. For more on how to do this, see what Dr. Amy Fuller has to say about using a green light practice.

Grounded Responding:

a person’s ability to stay calm and assertive when their partner gets anxious.

This means accepting your partner’s strengths and quirks without trying to change your partner to make yourself less anxious. Ultimately, this is tolerating a partner’s differences while staying close to them.  When you respond instead of react you are addressing and not avoiding what is happening in the relationship with adult language and behavior.

Meaningful Endurance:

a person’s ability to deal with discomfort knowing it may produce growth.

Meaningful endurance is about facing your issues and working towards resolution within relationships instead of avoiding challenges or giving up. When we have meaningful endurance we keep trying even though we are not sure we will find success and even if it doesn’t feel good.  This ability to tolerate pain for growth is key to attaining long-term goals.

Putting it together

All of these concepts are related and build on each other. As you master one skill and move on to the next, areas of weakness will emerge. Focus on the weak areas as a challenge to grow personally and observe the impact these practices have on the relationship.

When put into practice, these four concepts of personal growth create the possibility of a more satisfying relationship without focusing on your partner’s flaws or other things outside of your control.    For more information check the Crucible Therapy website or pick up a copy of Dr. David Schnarch’s book Intimacy & Desire.

Learning to grow as a person is always challenging. Finding a good therapist to walk with you in this journey can be very helpful.  If you are in the Houston area, Fuller Life Family Therapy has therapists dedicated to models of personal growth.

Stay tuned,

Taylor Knox, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LPC-S

Categories : Boundaries, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : boundaries, mental health, relationships, self-awareness, social skills

The Secret Life of the Introvert

Posted by Shani Bell on
 January 12, 2017
  · No Comments

The Myth

Are you the life of the party? The center of attention wherever you go? Then, clearly you are an extrovert, right? Not necessarily. Traits like being outgoing, friendly and confident tend to be more closely associated with extroverts than with introverts based on public knowledge of these terms, but these are not the real tell-tale signs. If we take a closer look at the essence of an introvert, we might find some hidden introverts among the class of outgoing attention-getters.

 

The Science

According to researcher Jonathan Cheek, there are actually four different types of introverts. His STAR model includes social, thinking, anxious and restrained. The first type, social, more closely fits the common understanding of introvert. This describes someone who is not timid but avoids the crowd and would prefer to stay home alone than party with friends. The thinker is a type who is described as imaginative and introspective rather than nonsocial. Those who are considered the anxious type are, like the social type, more socially averse. Their dislike of the crowd is due more to fear than personal preference. Finally, the restrained type is simply slower to get moving. These introverts tend to take their time processing information, thinking deeply before responding to a situation. But that does not mean that once they get going, they shy away from a social situation.

Scott Barry Kaufmann, finds that there are thinkers and restrained types that still score highly for in enthusiasm and assertiveness, traits people usually associate with being extroverted. Kaufman even stated that the social- and anxious-introvert may have an inward aversion to crowds but still have a desire to be highly social that causes them to move past their apprehensions. You might actually know (or be) an introvert who pushes herself to be a social butterfly.

So the science shows that determining the introvert is not quite as simple as comparing wallflowers to superstars. People are typically on a spectrum somewhere between introversion and extroversion. And introversion, itself, is a mixture of factors, such as introspection and level of sensitivity to the environment, that go beyond sociability.

The Point

Who really cares? You may wonder what the importance is of understanding introversion as a trait. Self-awareness and understanding those in your circle are key to properly caring for your own needs and knowing how to interact positively with others. Comprehending the tendencies of an introvert can help you identify when to give yourself or others space to re-energize. Knowing that you or a loved one may operate differently can lead to a greater sense of acceptance that nurtures positive relationship, either with yourself or the introvert in your life.

The Test

Do you think you are an introvert? Take this short test to see if you are and where you fit: http://www.quietrev.com/the-introvert-test/

 

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Anxiety Issues, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky, The Human Brain
Tags : emotional intelligence, human brain, mental health, self-awareness, social skills

Collector, Minimalist or Hoarder: Whoever Dies With The Most Toys Wins

Posted by Laura Cardella on
 December 22, 2016
  · No Comments

What is your lifestyle?  Did you arrive at this style intentionally?  Or did you wake up one day asking, “Where did I get all this stuff?”  Some of us are very purposeful about what we collect.  We plan our lives so that we buy a house by age 25, upgrade to a bigger house by 30, and purchase a camper and boat by age 40.

The Intent to Stay Small

On the other hand, some keep their possessions so few they can pack up and move without renting a van.  These are minimalists. They shop at second hand stores for their family’s clothing. They grow and consume their own produce. A bicycle is their primary transportation, using a car only for lengthier trips.  Minimalists are often motivated by a prudent use of the ecosystem.  They struggle to accept that  “12 percent of the world’s population living in North America and Western Europe account for 60 percent of private consumption spending.”

Your Neighborhood’s Style

Within your own neighborhood, you may see signs of lifestyles affected by increasing consumption.  Do you see storage units flourishing in your community?  Parking lots built for extraneous boats, trailers, huge RVs being stored behind high fences?

The size and décor of  homes is showcased on several Home and Garden TV series.  Tiny Houses is about homes which shelter families in a space of 150 square feet or less.  On the other side of the spectrum, the ubiquitous house hunting and remodeling programs showcase large homes with expensive décor.

New Careers for the 21st Century

Our love for collecting is contributing to the flourishing professional organizing business which has sprung up worldwide in just the last 25 years, creating new niche careers.

Ellen Delap, a local certified organizer, attests to the growing popularity of people consulting organizers to make their homes more livable and less cluttered.

A Japanese organizer, Marie Kondo, is famous for her tidiness program.   She began developing her method when she was a five- year-old interested in home organization.  Her first book, “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” describes a scaled down and totally tidied home life.  Kondo can be seen on YouTube, Marie Kondo: “The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up” | Talks at Google https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1-HMMX_NR8

 Too Much of a Good Thing?

Recent television shows  bring “hoarding disorder,”one of the newer mental health problems, to our attention.  Television illustrates people with hoarding disorders living in the chaos of their own homes.  These programs display piles of newspapers, boxes of unworn shoes or unopened toys.  Piles of clothing barely leave space to walk through the home.  Do you think these home owners are inundated by their offsprings’ discarded childhood treasures?  Have they inherited their relations’ household furnishings and lifetime collections?  Not necessarily.

Hoarding Disorder

Actually, hoarding does not require help from either of these sources.  Hoarding disorder is characterized by ongoing difficulty in discarding possessions.  Hoarders try to “save” the items, even though they are not needed and there isn’t adequate space for their collection.  They do not perceive anything abnormal about these behaviors.  Having “excessive acquisitions” is often denied by hoarders, who typically feel anxiety when others try to limit their collecting.   The two to six percent of Americans and Europeans displaying hoarding symptoms are predominantly males over 55 years of age.  According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), 75% of hoarders also suffer from a depressive or anxiety disorder.

Downsizing

Another phase in the life of consumers is the down-sizer.  These are people who are at retirement age.  They no longer need to build a home for future children.  This segment of the population:

  • Is happy with their lives and comfortable with purging any excess and,
  • Enjoy the freedom of having fewer possessions to keep tidy and in good repair.

On the other hand, some of them:

  • Live with regret for unrealized dreams.
  • Are not ready to step down from their leadership roles at work, in the community and church.
  • Are unwilling to pass the torch to  younger generations.
  • Have declining social networks as  increasing numbers of their friends and families die.
  • Are shifting from participant to bystander at work or in their communities.
  • After downsizing their possessions they may opt for the convenience of apartment or senior community living.

What’s your lifestyle? Have you arrived at this intentionally?  Are you content with your circumstances?  Do you allow others to enjoy their own way of life, although it may differ from yours?

Perhaps you might take time to consider which category best describes your lifestyle. If you find you or someone you care about needs help with hoarding, here are some resources that may be helpful.

  • International OCD Foundation
  • The Hoarding Disorder Resource and Training Group
  • Resources For Families and Children of Hoarders
  • Help for Hoarders: Resources for Hoarders and Their Loved Ones

This holiday season may highlight the differences between family and friends’ various styles of living and giving.  You will be challenged as you try to buy the perfect gift for those having different styles than your own.  If you are a minimalist who objects to wastefulness, your values may clash with those who are not mindful of  over consumption.  And as a minimalist receives gifts, they may have to bite their tongue while receiving the gift offerings of their friends who are collectors.  Whatever your circumstance, let us remember, “Peace on earth to all!”

 

Laura is an LPC-Intern, under supervision of Dr. Amy Fuller, LPC-S, in Houston, Texas.

fullerlifefamilytherapy.0rg 

 

 

 

Categories : Counseling, Lifestyle, Social Skills, transitions
Tags : acceptance, anxiety, mental health, mindfulness, self-awareness

Communication: Do the Words You Choose Determine the Response You Get?

Posted by Taylor Knox on
 October 29, 2015

We’ve all been there. It starts out with a mindless comment, “You never clean the kitchen. It feels like I am the only one in this house who ever cleans up.” Before you know it you’re in an argument over who-knows-what and neither of you understand how it even began. Often times, ineffective communication can create a gap where the sender intends one message, but the receiver hears something totally different. Luckily, there is help. With a little mindfulness, communication and relationships can be improved. It starts with learning about common habits that lead to ineffective communication. After reading this blog series you will understand how we sometimes unintentionally send a negative message and how we can change these messages to be more effective in communicating what we are really trying to say.

Characteristics of ineffective communication: Part One

“You” Language Plus Directives

People often use certain types of “you” language that elicit a negative response from the listener, such as, ”you need to,” “you should,” and “you better.” Directives or statements that give orders or pass negative judgments on people are often paired with these “you” statements and the result is frequently a negative response from the listener.

Avoid saying things like:

  • “You better not miss class again.”
  • “You have to listen to me.”
  • “You are doing it wrong.”

“You should pay more attention”

How would you respond if someone said that to you? Most people do not like to be told what to do. By nature, statements like this often provoke a “no” response. The receiver of these types of messages feels defensive or resentful.

If we should avoid using “you” language, what can we use instead? I-statements are a tool that can be used to assign the emotional responsibility to the speaker rather than blaming the listener. I-statements use the pronoun “I” which helps the speaker take ownership of the statement.

Effective I-statements contain three elements:

  • A brief, non-blaming, description of the behavior you find unacceptable
  • Your feelings
  • The tangible and concrete effect of the behavior on you

Examples of effective I-statements:

  • I felt disappointment when the principal called with another report of misconduct.
  • I feel frustrated when I’m not heard and I need to repeat myself.
  • I feel angry when I have to redo things.

I-statements allow the receiver to understand and relate to the emotional response the sender is having and in turn they are more likely to modify their behavior accordingly.

Universal Statements

“You always do this”

Universal statements are troublesome in many ways. First, universal statements mean that the sender of the message believes there is no room for change. They also discourage change by pointing out what is wrong in the person, rather than what they are doing correctly. Lastly, and most likely to provoke an argument, universal statements are very easy to dispute. The receiver of the message only has to come up with one example that contradicts the statement. For example, “You never wash the car” can be contradicted with “That is not true, I washed it the second week we had it, two years ago.” Universal statements are over-generalized, negative, and an easy way to begin an argument.

Often paired with “you” language, universal statements are generalizations about a person’s character or behavior with a negative emphasis. Common words to avoid using include: “so,” “always,” “never,” “again,” “everyone,” and “every time.”

Avoid saying things like:

  • “You are such a slob.”
  • “You are never on time.”
  • “You did it wrong ”

Situational statements can be used in place of universal statements to change the response the sender elicits. By reframing the problem behavior into a specific situation, the sender communicates that there is room for improvement and change. This can be more motivating to the person receiving the message. Situation specific statements are also useful when addressing negative behaviors because they allow the sender to speak to a certain situation where there is room for improvement, without overgeneralizing the negativity to the person’s character.

Try using statements like:

  • “I am concerned about the struggle to keep things tidy lately.”
  • “It would mean a lot to me if you could please let me know when you will be late.”
  • “This didn’t work out so well. What can we do differently next time?”

Once we learn to recognize the ineffective habits we have in communicating, we can work towards finding better ways to communicate.

  • Recognizing “you” plus directives and universal statements is a great place to start.
  • Next, see if you can replace these with I-statements and situational statements to change the response from the receiver.

Check back in for part two on ineffective communication to learn more tools for better communication.

You can also get more information on ineffective communication in Preston Ni’s Communication Success.

If you found this blog to be helpful, feel free to hit the “share” button; your friends and family may find it useful as well.

Stay tuned,

Taylor Knox, Practicum Therapist

Supervised by Amy Fuller PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

 

Categories : Communication, Couples, Social Skills, Sticky
Tags : Communication, couples, I-statements, relationships, social skills, universal statements

Can Anger Be Your Ally?

Posted by Lesley Anne Mendonça on
 August 14, 2015
  · No Comments

We, as human beings, pursue happiness and joy.  We naturally gravitate towards things and people that elicit positive emotions.  There’s no question that we prefer to experience our positive emotions, and naturally avoid the negative ones.  Some might wonder, “Is our goal to reach a point in life when we only experience positive emotions?  Or do our negative emotions serve an essential purpose?”

The negative emotions, chiefly anger, keep us alive by having a correctional function.  Consider the last time you got angry.  Matthew Hutson, author of Beyond Happiness: The Upside of Feeling Down, says “Anger results when we feel undervalued.” Anger is an alert that warns us when something needs to change.  Anger can often prompt us to do and say things that we wouldn’t normally do, which leads us to feel as though we are out of control.  Consequently, most of us develop one of two unhealthy relationships with anger.  Either we give anger full control, allowing it to progress into rage and hijack our body and our relationships. Or, as soon as anger shows its face, we’re already beating it back and trying to drown out its voice it with optimistic denial.  There is a better, more balanced, relationship to be had with anger, however.  Once we understand the function of anger, we can more easily hear its message without letting it control us.

Mindful Management

There is a wealth of information on the art of anger management.  If you struggle with anger management, mindfulness is a wonderful place to start.  Lama Surya Das explains some simple steps to mindful anger-management and intentional responsiveness.  If you want to wade deeper into the water of the mindful anger practice, consider reading Mindful Anger: A Pathway to Emotional Freedom by Andrea Brandt.

Listen & Learn

Since anger serves a useful function, it possesses intrinsic value to our daily decision making.  Once you’ve learned to manage the initial urgency of anger, practice listening to its present function.  Anger is often alerting us that something needs to change: either externally or internally, or both.  We can adjust our expectations and grow while also asserting a need for external change.  As you listen to the message anger has, remember to remain mindful!

Effective Expression

When we experience anger, we develop a surplus of energy within our body that needs to be expressed.  With all of this mindful management of anger, we still need a constructive outlet for our anger.  Make a list of activities you can engage in that appropriately release your angry energy.  Exercise is a wonderful way to release a build-up of angry energy.  If you’re tight on time, consider just doing ten push-up’s and returning to your day.  You can learn to channel built-up energy into your daily tasks, as well.  For instance, tearing up a newspaper before you recycle it.  Once you’ve physically expressed your anger in a constructive way, you will have more composure and clarity as you take steps to assert yourself.  When finding healthy ways to express angry energy, be aware of not allowing it to become harmful to you or anyone else.  Read up on tips for healthy conflict resolution to improve how you collaborate with others for change.

When anger next appears, remember to work consciously to change your relationship to it.  If you are able to see that anger has value and function, you will be able to operate as a more whole-hearted and effective person.

Good luck in the journey!

Lesley Anne Mendonça

Lesley Anne Mendonça

M.A., LMFT-Associate, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Anger Management, Communication, Counseling, Covid-19, Mindfulness Practice, Parenting, Relationships, Social Skills, Sticky, Stress Management
Tags : anger, anger management, Communication, conflict resolution, mindfulness, relationships
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