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Mess & Stress: The Science Behind Your Clutter

Posted by Shani Bell on

July 6, 2017

· 1 Comment

Look around you right now. Can you see the floor or is it covered in laundry? Are you reading this while sitting at a desk stacked high with clutter? So maybe you are not quite at hoarder status, but if you find yourself struggling to keep your external space organized, it might reflect a similar internal struggle.

Getting to the Bottom of the Pile

Some people are nurtured into a messy lifestyle. They grow up in families where a disorganized space is the norm. Others may find the busyness of life or personal circumstances leads to neglect in places like their home, workspace or vehicle. Maybe it feels like there is too much to do and too little time, so neatness is sacrificed for a higher priority. You may feel the whole process of keeping order overwhelming, tiring and pointless. Won’t it just get messy again anyway?

But there is a benefit to making order a priority in your life. Studies point out that a clean space can contribute to better cognition and better sleep. It is also physically safer and more life-efficient. Just as clutter in your physical space can signify clutter in your mental space, order around you can be a sign of an orderly mind. Living, and attempting to function, in messy spaces can also increase anxiety. And who needs extra anxiety??

What comes first – the mess or the stress?

Much like the age-old question about the chicken or the egg, identifying if your stress leads to mess or the other way around can be a challenge. Those who struggle with anxiety, depression or other factors that contribute to a lack of motivation may also tend to struggle with keeping their spaces tidy. Though others may dismiss these people as just being lazy. In other words, your mess might not be the cause of anxiety or depression, but it might be a symptom of it.

Getting out of the Dumps

So, what do you do about the mess?

If you believe that your clutter problem might be due to an internal struggle, try addressing the root of the problem. This might mean some self-reflection, confronting a person or thing you have been avoiding or seeking the help of a mental health professional. Do what it takes to function at your best.

But whether the mess is the cause or symptom, anyone can benefit from clearing the clutter. If this task seems too daunting. Try the following tips:

Focus. Find one project to tackle and stick with it. Don’t allow yourself to try to achieve too many organization goals at once. Give yourself time-limited breaks for long tasks and get right back to it. Leave distractions like cellphones and computers in the other room.
Stash it away. Your brain is taking in everything it sees and it can be overwhelming. Neatly store items that you do not use often out of sight. Try organizing the items that you frequently use in easily accessible but less visible places.
Put it back. After you gain order, don’t make it hard on yourself. It may seem easier in the short-term to just throw that one item on the floor, but over time you will find yourself right back in the middle of a mess. Give “future you” a break and put it back where you found it. You’ll find that creating and maintaining order over time helps you breathe a little easier.

Want to know more? Check out these related articles:

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Counseling, Depression, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Sticky

Tags : anxiety, counseling, depression, mental health, self-awareness

The Ripple Effects of Autism Spectrum Disorder on the Family

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

June 29, 2017

· No Comments

Angry outbursts and sudden withdrawal, hypersensitivity to touch and sound, yet insensitivity in interpersonal interactions – these seeming contradictions are all too familiar for families of children with autism spectrum disorder.

For these families, life may be draining at times with small tasks requiring much effort. Yet, discovering the world through the lens of an ASD child is something special. It goes without saying that a diagnosis of ASD impacts the entire family. Let’s take a look at the three major players: the child with ASD, the sibling(s) and the parent(s).

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

One way to think about ASD is the distinction between dynamic and static intelligence (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Children with ASD can have average to above average static intelligence. For example, they can remember facts about a topic of interest or rigidly adhere to rules and rituals. But, the struggle is with dynamic intelligence – being able to read the environment and to respond with flexibility. This is why we see kids with ASD often desiring consistency and struggling with transition and novelty.

Hope for Change

Good news! According to Sue Simmons of Equinox Family Consulting, dynamic intelligence can be taught. Dynamic intelligence is the ability to intuitively understand and respond according to a “feedback loop” of interaction. Information is sent out from A and received by B, and feedback is sent from B to A. Parents can help their children begin to understand the feedback loop by…

Slowing down everyday processes and interactions, explaining them step by step to their child and gradually introducing more novelty (Simmons, 2013).
Making the feedback more noticeable. Parents can exaggerate the feedback their child would receive based on their behavior by making responses more noticeable. For example, instead of expecting the ASD child to interpret subtle body language, clear and explicit statements like, “when you said/did that, it made me really sad/happy/mad, etc. ” or exaggerated facial expressions when mad/happy/sad/etc. will be more easily understood.

2. The Siblings

The siblings of children with ASD are at risk for higher emotional and behavioral problems (Solomon and Chung, 2012). At times, they may feel invisible – with much attention going to their brother or sister with ASD, the added responsibility required of them, and perhaps with restrictions on social activities. Or, they may feel the pressure to be in the spotlight – to overachieve in order to compensate for their sibling’s limitations (Solomon and Chung, 2012).

Making the “Invisible” Visible

There are many ways to let siblings know they are cared for…

Risk an outburst. While it is known to be helpful to stick to structure, schedules and routines with children who have ASD, it is okay to vary from this order at times (and potentially be met with a tantrum) to meet the needs of the other siblings.
Carve out one-on-one bonding time. Or, find other creative ways to make them feel special.
Encourage healthy peer relationships. Perhaps even with other children who have siblings with special needs.

3. The Parents

Learning of their child’s diagnosis is likely a daunting and upsetting experience for most parents. It may take time to learn how to cope with having an ASD child, as well as to learn how to grieve the loss of what they might have hoped and expected their child to be and to achieve. It can also be frustrating that in spite of good parenting skills and much patience, life with an ASD child continues to be challenging and stressful.

Research has shown that there is a “spillover effect” flowing both ways between the parenting relationship and the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016). A difficult day of parenting the ASD child can lead to the experience of fewer positive couple interactions. Similarly, when there is more negative emotions and tension in the couple’s relationship, it spills over into a more stressful parenting. Interestingly, what tends to be most stressful for parents is not the limitations of the ASD child as much as the handling of the negative behavior (tantrums, rituals, etc.) (Solomon and Chung, 2012). Parents of ASD children are also at risk for more disagreements as to how to best handle these child-related challenges. This can, in turn, cause strain on the marital relationship (Goetz, Hickey, Hartley, 2016).

Care for the Caregivers

Parents can take the following important steps to ensure that they are meeting their own needs and advocating effectively for the entire family…

Take time to invest in their marital relationship. Go out on dates, seek couples’ counseling, etc.
Discuss common goals and parenting strategies. Try to have both parents attend doctor appointments, IEP meetings, etc. to be on the same page.
Develop a strong support network. It can be easy for ASD families to isolate themselves. However, developing a strong support network and seeking out resources for the family will ease some of the burden on the couple’s relationship.

Learning how to balance the needs of the ASD child, sibling(s) and parent(s) will never be easy. But, for families of children with ASD, there is much to be gained in learning patience and compassion.

References:

Solomon, A.H. and Chung, B. (2012) Understanding Autism: How Family Therapists can Support Parents of Children with Autism Spectrum Disorders. Family Process 51:250-264.

http://equinoxfamilyconsulting.com/intelligence/asd-help-understanding-dynamic-intelligence-versus-static-intelligence/

http://www.apa.org/pi/disability/resources/publications/newsletter/2016/09/parents-children-autism.aspx

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Compassion, Counseling, Developmental Disorders, Family Therapy, Parenting, Relationships, Social Skills, Sticky

Tags : ASD, autism spectrum disorder, family therapy

Writing Your Destiny: Does the Story You Tell Yourself Help or Hurt You?

Posted by Shani Bell on

May 30, 2017

· No Comments

If you were to pick a genre for the story of your life, what would it be? A romantic comedy? Action? Psychological Thriller? A horror?? The stories we tell ourselves about the lives we lead deeply impact the way we view ourselves and our outlook.

Rereading Your Story

Since our story matters so much it is helpful to really look at what our story is and put words to it. Just think about it for a moment. Take some time to write down the 5 most significant events of your life. Think about the story you tell yourself about these events.

Start with identifying the type of character you play. Are you the victim, the hero, the villain or some other character? How does viewing yourself in this manner affect the way you lead your life?
Now think about the events themselves. Out of all the experiences you have had, you chose a certain 5 to be the most significant. Is the road through these events what psychologist, Michael White, calls problem saturated?
How do these events change how you see the world?
What meaning are you giving these 5 experiences and how does this meaning direct how you see life in general?
What was the moral of the stories? How has each event impacted your rules for life?

Have these events created a limited view of yourself? Do they influence your poor decisions? Have these memories created an unhealthy sense of your own identity? If the answer to these questions is no, maybe you should take another look at the autobiography that you have written.

Find the Missing Pieces

One vital question that you can ask yourself when thinking about your perspective is “Am I omitting something important from my story?” Though you placed a high-level of importance on the meaning you have given these events, decide if there are other events or alternative interpretations that can tell you a different story about yourself. Challenge how you have allowed these stories to form your core beliefs. Often, people will generate beliefs from places like early life experiences, values from their family origin or intense turning points like tragedies. From that point on, they unconsciously sift through their experiences going forward looking only for the ones that confirm their existing beliefs. The problem is that there are so many fact missing from their limited point of view. They never see the full picture.

Don’t Ruin the Ending!

Omitted facts and narrow perspectives can have serious effects. Imagine a young high school honor student who gained a low SAT score. She always saw herself as intelligent with a passion for learning until that point. But after perceived failure, she then built a belief about herself that she is not smart enough to succeed.

She starts limiting herself by taking easier college courses that she believes she can pass, afraid to challenge herself. She graduates and gains a steady career. Her bosses see her potential, but she passes up promotions not believing in her skills and abilities. One day, she is reprimanded for missing an important deadline. “See! I knew it. I’m a failure”, she declares. Her mind is turned away from any evidence against this belief, like graduating college, establishing a career, or being offered promotions. All she sees is the same failure she identified with in high school. Does this story sound familiar? If so, you might need to turn the page on your thinking.

To live a full and meaningful life going forward, think about changing the meaning you have given the life you have already lived. Rewrite your story.

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Cognitive Reframing, Counseling, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Self-Esteem, Sticky

Tags : acceptance, cognitive reframing, core beliefs, mental health, personal narrative, self-awareness, self-esteem

Why People Who are Different than You can Make a Difference in Your Life

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

May 16, 2017

· No Comments

People are naturally discriminating. Our brains are constantly scanning the environment looking for out potential threats. A threat can be something known to us – something that has caused us harm in the past – or unknown, something new and unfamiliar. It can be easy to give in to this natural response and remain within our comfortable, safe, social bubbles. In fact, there is evidence that social diversity can lead to lack of trust, lower communication, greater perceived conflict, more concern about disrespect.

Why would we go through the work of overriding our brain’s natural response to unfamiliar (and potentially threatening) stimuli? Why would we engage in interactions with people who are different than us?

First, we know that personal growth does not happen when we remain in our comfort zone.

Second, there is evidence that diversity makes us smarter. Being in a diverse environment enhances creativity, encourages search for novel information and perspectives, and leads to better decision making and problem solving. Research has even shown that increasing gender and racial diversity in the workplace has improved financial performance for banks.

If you are ready to take the risk and build relationships with someone who might look, think or act differently than you, here are some tips (adapted from the Community Tool Box):

1. Become aware of your own culture and biases.

To become aware of your own culture, think about your multiple identities (religion, nationality, race, sexual identity, ethnicity, occupation, marital status, age, ability, geographic region). Then consider how these identites affect how you live and perceive the world? We all carry biases and misinformation about groups of people that can come from various sources (i.e., the media, our families, etc.).

2. Risk making mistakes

If we’re going to step out and do something new, we have a guarantee that we will make mistakes. What can make a world of difference is to recognize this ahead of time. We can also be willing to make amends when miscommunication or unintended offenses come up.

3. Be willing to learn

There are many ways that we can learn about others. Here are a few ideas:

Read about or research a different culture.
Attend a local event.
Simply ask questions about another’s culture, identities, views, etc.

4. Demonstrate you care by truly listening and becoming an ally

Everyone, including you, has a story to tell. Hearing someone share his or her experiences can help us connect, despite differences, on a human level.

Becoming an ally means being willing to stick your neck out for someone else and speaking out against, or acting to stop, discrimination.

If you step outside of your social comfort zone, you may risk conflict, mistakes, and misunderstandings. However, you may also gain personal growth, creativity, better problem solving skills and new relationships!

For Further Reading:

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Communication, Empathy, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Sticky

Tags : culture, difference, diversity, growth, relationships

How Samantha Used Self-Talk To Turn Her Anxiety Around

Posted by Taylor Knox on

April 20, 2017

· No Comments

Samantha is a 34-year-old teacher who, like many people, struggles with anxiety and depression. She has a hard time motivating herself to get out of bed in the mornings knowing her day will be full of worry and fear. Her self-talk tells her she is worthless. She is embarrassed about her struggles and hates mostly everything about herself. One day she feels especially low and finds herself thinking about her life and how much she worries. The thoughts persist and before she knows it she is having a hard time breathing. Her chest is tightening and she feels like she has lost control. This is not the first panic attack she has experienced. She is so sick of feeling anxiety is running her life.

Feeling especially frustrated with herself the next day, she decides to get help by seeking therapy. The therapist helps Samantha realize that she can use her own internal dialogue to change how she experiences and thinks about things. As she practices and changes the way she talks to herself in her head, she notices her mood begins to shift. With persistence, Samantha is able to use her self-talk to stop panic attacks and relate to her anxiety differently. Her mood improves as she is kind to herself rather than beat herself up. These shifts empower Samantha. She is finally able to learn how to navigate her emotions rather than be overtaken by them.

During one therapy session, Samantha becomes overwhelmed with anxiety and panic. She reads a handout about self-talk and learns she has the ability to choose what she says to herself in her head. Samantha’s automatic thoughts were telling her, “I can’t do this. I can’t breathe. It’s gonna happen again. You’re so stupid for talking about this.” Rather than allowing her anxiety to choose her thoughts she decides to tell herself, “Breathe. You are going to be okay. It will pass. You can do this. Just breathe.”

To Samantha’s surprise, she found panic and fear dissipated as she took deep breaths and talked herself out of the all-familiar anxiety spiral. Samantha feels empowered, like she can control her thoughts for the first time in a long time. She practices this concept with her normal day to day anxious thoughts and is amazed at how she keeps herself from spiraling. She does all of this by simply reminding herself to relax and changing the way she talks to herself.

As Samantha learns to experience her anxiety differently, she notices she is becoming more motivated and it is easier to get out of bed in the mornings. Her therapist notices and points out Samantha was still placing a lot of blame on herself. She is still making comments like, “I’m so dumb. I always mess things up. No one likes me because I’m depressing.” So Samantha’s therapist challenges her to apply what she knows about self-talk to a new concept of self-compassion.

Next, Samantha practices an exercise called “Changing Your Critical Self-Talk.” She begins to notice the harsh ways she speaks to herself in her head and chooses kind and compassionate words instead. This takes a lot of practice. However, with time, the new way she talks to herself begins to shape the way she thinks about and sees herself. This has a powerful impact on her critical, anxious, and depressive thoughts.

Samantha’s effort to challenge her automatic ways of talking to herself was not easy, yet she finds it worth the effort. Many people struggling with mild to severe anxiety or depression can benefit by changing the way they talk to themselves. Sometimes they can be successful alone and others may need the professional help of a therapist. So if you or someone you know needs further help addressing anxious or depressive thoughts, there are therapists (at Fuller Life Family Therapy and all over the country) waiting to help. See if you can begin to change the things you say to yourself and notice the effect on your mood.

Hell Hath No Fury… Understanding Women’s Anger

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

March 29, 2017

· No Comments

What comes to your mind when you think of an angry man? Powerful? Intimidating? Persuasive? How about an angry woman? Emotional? Hysterical? Bitchy? Anger is one of those emotions that be challenging to express. It also appears to have a large divide in gender socialization.

Arizona State University and the University of Chicago conducted a study to assess how people perceive anger in women versus anger in men. They had 210 undergraduate students participate in a computerized mock-jury simulation with a five other “jurors”. In the scenario, one of the jurors (either male or female), called the “holdout”, would disagree with the participant’s opinion while the other four would agree. When the male holdouts expressed anger in the online conversation, the research participant showed less confidence in his or her opinion. However, when the female holdouts expressed anger, the participant became significantly more confident in his or her opinion. This happened even though the male and female holdouts made identical arguments.

According to Salerno and Peter-Hagene (2015), these findings suggest that expressing anger can lead men to gain influence over others, but lead women to lose influence. It is unclear why people perceive anger differently in men and women, but it is clear that there is a difference to the disadvantage of women.

Sandra Thomas, researcher at University of Tennessee-Knoxville, spent 15 years studying women’s anger among Caucasian and African American women in the U.S., as well as women in Turkey and France, and asked the following questions.

What Makes Women Angry?

Thomas (2010) found that most women’s anger was related to “interpersonal interactions in which others deny women power or resources, treat them unjustly or behave irresponsibly toward them”.

How is Anger Experienced for Women?

The women in Thomas’s study expressed that anger is a confusing mix of feelings, and deeply connected with hurt, sadness and disillusionment. The women wanted – they wanted the people they cared about to show the same care for them.

(How) Do Women Express Anger?

Thomas found that only 9% of women reported that they would express anger to the person making them angry. Instead, the women would ruminate on their anger, leading to more resentment. It is not surprising, then, that few participants reported having female role models who expressed anger in healthy ways.

Salerno and Peter-Hagene’s study as well as Thomas’s 15 years of research suggest a need for both the broader society as well as women specifically to gain a deeper understanding and appreciation of anger.

A New Way of Looking at Anger

Karla McLaren, author and researcher, says that, when we work with anger, it can be our ally and help us become more authentically ourselves. She writes that anger’s job is like an “honorable sentry” who helps set effective interpersonal boundaries and maintain a sense of justice for yourself and for others. According to McLaren, suppressing anger leads to poorly defined boundaries between yourself and others. On the other hand, unhealthy anger expression, such as “exploding”, can lead to damaging relationships with others. She recommends taking a middle path called “channeling”, which means slowing down to listen to your emotions and then “completing the actions your emotions require so that they can recede naturally and gracefully”.

When you notice anger rising after being insulted or receiving unfair treatment, the questions McLaren suggests to ask yourself are “what must be protected?” and “what must be restored?”

How you answer those questions will give you the information you need to act in a way that is empathic and authentic.

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Resources

http://karlamclaren.com/a-new-option-for-working-with-your-emotions/

https://works.bepress.com/sandra_thomas/24/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/people-reward-angry-men-but-punish-angry-women-study-suggests_us_561fb57be4b050c6c4a47743

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201511/why-dont-we-trust-angry-women

http://psycnet.apa.org/?&fa=main.doiLanding&doi=10.1037/lhb0000147

http://www.apa.org/monitor/mar03/angeracross.aspx

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/recognize-anger.aspx

Categories : Anger Management, Emotional Intelligence, Mental Health, Sticky

Tags : anger, emotional regulation, women, women's anger

The Value of Your Values

Posted by Shani Bell on

March 4, 2017

· No Comments

Values?

Let’s start with what it means to have values. Values are the direction in which we live our lives. Clinician, Steve Hayes, calls values “intentional qualities of action that join together a string of moments into a meaningful path. When Hayes talks of values, he’s referring to qualities like education, compassion, charity, creativity, etc.

Values are not Goals

Unlike goals, values are not specific achievable activities. They are more like the concepts in life that we find to be important. For example, you might have a goal of becoming a social worker. Yet, that achievable goal comes from your value of helping others.

Another important difference is that values can be lived daily. If you think it is important to help others, you don’t have to wait until you achieve your goal of becoming a social worker to do it. You can help an elderly lady cross the street or mow your neighbor’s lawn. You can find something to do every day that fulfills your values

Finding Values

We begin developing our sense of values when we enter the world. Our families and the way that we were raised heavily influence what we consider important. People often find that they have a moral code that is similar to that of their The same may be true of our spiritual beliefs. We do not always just absorb the values of our family. We filter them through our experiences, which can alter our values from those of our family. Say your mom put pressure on you to perform well in athletics because she valued achievement. You may adopt that same value or you may want to avoid pressuring your children by encouraging more curiosity and fun instead.

Many people also develop values that were absent in their childhood. For example, a man who grew up in poverty may be likely to value financial security. A woman who grew up in a foster care home may deeply value family connection.

Your Daily Values

Sometimes we do so without realizing it. We might think that acting towards our values only leads to the enjoyment of life. But look more deeply. While moving towards your values can often lead to enjoyment, you might also find challenges as well. Moving towards the value of health and fitness comes with the pain of aching muscles after a workout. Moving towards the value of sobriety comes with the pain of withdrawal and resisting urges. Values don’t always feel good.

In the same way, moving away from values also causes pain, but in a different sense. While moving towards your values comes with the pain of change, there’s usually a sense of fulfillment at having done something that is important to you. But the pain of moving away from your values tends to cause disenchantment and a lack of fulfillment. In fact, both the states of disenchantment and fulfillment are actually cues you can use to begin exploring and identifying what you value. Clearly identifying your values is an important step to living them – on purpose – every day.

Curious about what you value? Try completing one of these exercises.

Contributed by

Shani Bell, MAAT, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Dr. Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S, LPC-S

Categories : Lifestyle, Mental Health, Self-Awareness, Sticky

Tags : lifestyle, mental health, self-awareness

Four Truths about Stepfamilies that You Need to Know

Posted by Tamara Tatum on

February 15, 2017

· 1 Comment

Stepfamilies are, and have been, on the rise. In fact, over 50% of American families are remarried or recoupled. Yet, there appears to be limited conversation around what is gradually becoming the “norm” for the American family.

If you are in the process of “blending” families, here are some important pointers to consider:

Families don’t blend overnight

Patience is key to the process of blending families. It can take up to seven years to form a successful stepfamily. Unrealistic expectations of a quick and fairly smooth transition to becoming a family can be a major source of disappointment and strife. Be prepared for a slow, but hopefully rewarding, process!

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

Ron Deal, founder of Smart Stepfamilies, calls these “ghosts.” The “ghosts” could be wounds from the previous marriage, or injuries from family of origin relationships, or even unresolved hurts from the present relationship’s history. You might notice yourself or your spouse becoming especially defensive discussing a particular topic, or becoming exceedingly upset upon finding household items from your spouse’s previous marriage in your new home.

The danger of the “ghosts” lingering around without your awareness is that they often serve to place the “haunted” person in a posture of self-protection. It becomes difficult to build intimacy and form an “us” when both parties are busy protecting the “I.” You might want to ask yourself, “When I am not haunted by this ghost, how am I acting toward my partner in a way that is giving, serving and trusting?” (Deal, 2006). Or, if you notice your spouse struggling in the present with issues that have happened in the past, ask yourself “How can I show compassion to my spouse in this moment and not react defensively to his (or her) fear?” Forming a stepfamily involves a lot of risk-taking and courage!

The children are caught in the middle

While creating a stepfamily can be a time of great gain, it is also a season of considerable loss. A few of the losses incurred by the children may include the death of a parent, divorce or leaving a once familiar life. Give time for the children (and for yourself) to grieve these losses. It is not unusual to notice children feeling torn between wanting to be loyal to both biological parents. Occasionally children even take advantage of the fact that their biological parents are living separately and may not be on best terms with each other. For example, a child might find ways to avoid punishments or obtain extra privileges.

Step-parenting is a complex dance

You and your partner might have fallen in love with each other not fully knowing what you were bargaining for when adding the other’s children to the mix. Stepping into a child’s life is to be broached with caution. A rule of thumb for a stepparent is to enter the relationship gradually. Both boys and girls, though especially girls, prefer verbal affirmations, compliments, etc. as opposed to physical affection at the onset of the stepparent-child relationship.

Step-parenting is likely the most challenging aspect of forming a stepfamily. When it comes to discipline and nurturance, the biological parent takes the lead. It is recommended that the stepparent come in as a “babysitter” (Deal, 2006) or a “camp counselor”(APA, 2017) at first. This means that he or she is a responsible adult who is aware of and can enforce rules that are already in place, but doesn’t create new rules. When both partners have children, it is important to have a consistent set of rules, even if each parent takes the lead with their biological children (Deal, 2006). To support a stepparent, the biological parent may say something like “I know ___ is not your real mom (or dad), but when I’m not around, she (or he) will be enforcing the rules we all agreed on.”

This is not to say that the stepparent has no voice regarding their stepchildren’s behavior. Those conversations and negotiations can happen behind closed doors (Deal, 2006). Over time, as trust and mutual respect begins to develop between you and your stepchildren, you may be able to move into more of a “parental” role, disciplining and nurturing the children.

For more information and tips on how to make a successful stepfamily, check out our Scoop It! page on titled “Navigating Separation, Divorce and Blended Families”.

References

Deal, Ron L. (2006). The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family.

https://psychcentral.com/lib/8-myths-of-fostering-a-healthy-stepfamily/

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stepfamily.aspx

https://www.prepare-enrich.com/parenting.htm

http://www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/ghost-whispers

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/13/ghost-of-marriage-past_n_5490048.html

Contributed by

Tamara Tatum, LMFT-Associate

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LMFT-S

Categories : Adolescents & Children, Blended Families, Couples, Divorce, Family Therapy, Parenting, Sticky

Tags : blended family, stepfamilies, stepfamily, stepparenting

The Best Way To Save Your Relationship

Posted by Taylor Knox on

February 7, 2017

Most people believe that the best way to save their relationship is by communicating better or changing their partner. While these are nice when they happen, the problem is they hinge on both people working together. Alternatively, one way to positively impact your relationship is to focus on growing yourself so you can learn to be a better partner.

In an attempt to simplify this seemingly overwhelming task, consider these four concepts Dr. David Schnarsh calls the four points of balance leading to more successful interpersonal relationships.

Solid-flexible self:

a person’s ability to be clear about what they value, and who they are, while in close proximity to others who are important to them.

Having a solid flexible self means not having to put a physical or emotional distance between yourself and someone else because they have different beliefs than you do. A person with a solid-flexible sense of self can be influenced by others, but does not compromise their own sense of self. They have a clear picture of themselves and are willing to share this with others in a way that allows others to know them more deeply. This person can entertain the thoughts and values of others without losing their own identity.

Quiet mind-calm heart:

a person’s ability to self-sooth.

Having a quiet mind and calm heart encompasses regulating your own emotions, feelings, and anxieties instead of allowing yourself to be comforted or controlled by others. A quiet mind and calm heart is key for the struggle for individual autonomy. If a person is not able to self-sooth they are not capable of functioning alone. In time, they become dependent on their partner leading to a reactive desire for autonomy and ultimately less intimacy. As one learns to self-regulate and self-soothe one also learns how to be closer to those they care about. For more on how to do this, see what Dr. Amy Fuller has to say about using a green light practice.

Grounded Responding:

a person’s ability to stay calm and assertive when their partner gets anxious.

This means accepting your partner’s strengths and quirks without trying to change your partner to make yourself less anxious. Ultimately, this is tolerating a partner’s differences while staying close to them. When you respond instead of react you are addressing and not avoiding what is happening in the relationship with adult language and behavior.

Meaningful Endurance:

a person’s ability to deal with discomfort knowing it may produce growth.

Meaningful endurance is about facing your issues and working towards resolution within relationships instead of avoiding challenges or giving up. When we have meaningful endurance we keep trying even though we are not sure we will find success and even if it doesn’t feel good. This ability to tolerate pain for growth is key to attaining long-term goals.

Putting it together

All of these concepts are related and build on each other. As you master one skill and move on to the next, areas of weakness will emerge. Focus on the weak areas as a challenge to grow personally and observe the impact these practices have on the relationship.

When put into practice, these four concepts of personal growth create the possibility of a more satisfying relationship without focusing on your partner’s flaws or other things outside of your control. For more information check the Crucible Therapy website or pick up a copy of Dr. David Schnarch’s book Intimacy & Desire.

Learning to grow as a person is always challenging. Finding a good therapist to walk with you in this journey can be very helpful. If you are in the Houston area, Fuller Life Family Therapy has therapists dedicated to models of personal growth.

Stay tuned,

Taylor Knox, LPC-Intern

Supervised by Amy Fuller, PhD, LPC-S

Categories : Boundaries, Mental Health, Relationships, Self-Awareness, Social Skills, Sticky

Tags : boundaries, mental health, relationships, self-awareness, social skills

Archive for Sticky

Mess & Stress: The Science Behind Your Clutter

Getting to the Bottom of the Pile

What comes first – the mess or the stress?

Getting out of the Dumps

Writing Your Destiny: Does the Story You Tell Yourself Help or Hurt You?

Rereading Your Story

Find the Missing Pieces

Don’t Ruin the Ending!

Why People Who are Different than You can Make a Difference in Your Life

1. Become aware of your own culture and biases.

2. Risk making mistakes

3. Be willing to learn

4. Demonstrate you care by truly listening and becoming an ally

How Samantha Used Self-Talk To Turn Her Anxiety Around

Read more on our blog about the power of compassionate Self-Talk:

Hell Hath No Fury… Understanding Women’s Anger

What Makes Women Angry?

How is Anger Experienced for Women?

(How) Do Women Express Anger?

A New Way of Looking at Anger

Resources

The Value of Your Values

Four Truths about Stepfamilies that You Need to Know

Families don’t blend overnight

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

The children are caught in the middle

Step-parenting is a complex dance

4545 Bissonet, Suite 289, Bellaire, Texas 77401
Call Us: (855) 245-5433

HIPAA-Compliant Fax: (832) 706-3842
info@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org

CALL TODAY!

(855) 245-5433

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Archive for Sticky

Getting to the Bottom of the Pile

What comes first – the mess or the stress?

Getting out of the Dumps

1. The Child with the Diagnosis

Hope for Change

2. The Siblings

Making the “Invisible” Visible

3. The Parents

Care for the Caregivers

References:

Rereading Your Story

Find the Missing Pieces

Don’t Ruin the Ending!

1. Become aware of your own culture and biases.

2. Risk making mistakes

3. Be willing to learn

4. Demonstrate you care by truly listening and becoming an ally

Read more on our blog about the power of compassionate Self-Talk:

What Makes Women Angry?

How is Anger Experienced for Women?

(How) Do Women Express Anger?

A New Way of Looking at Anger

Resources

Families don’t blend overnight

”Ghosts” can be the death of blending families

The children are caught in the middle

Step-parenting is a complex dance

Putting it together

4545 Bissonet, Suite 289, Bellaire, Texas 77401 Call Us: (855) 245-5433

HIPAA-Compliant Fax: (832) 706-3842 info@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org

CALL TODAY!

Recent Posts

Search our site

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DISCLAIMER

4545 Bissonet, Suite 289, Bellaire, Texas 77401
Call Us: (855) 245-5433

HIPAA-Compliant Fax: (832) 706-3842
info@FullerLifeFamilyTherapy.org