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Author Archive for Scott Rampy

Peaceful Parenting – Because Punishment Is Not Enough

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 September 23, 2014
  · No Comments

Parents and daughter

Imagine for a moment being at home, with all of your family present, and finding peace. A couple is enjoying a nice conversation over a cup of coffee on a Saturday morning. Having eaten their breakfast and put their dishes away, the children are playing together on the floor in the living room surrounded by Legos, dolls, and action figures recreating a scene from the latest comic book flick. Peace. It isn’t just the absence of conflict but the presence of harmony. Perhaps this scene appears unrealistic. Maybe for another family it could happen but it is hard to imagine for your own.

How could such a vision be realized? Nearly all parents seek to create peace, but what is the path to get there? Peaceful parenting recognizes peace is not just a goal to be reached but informs the parenting approach as well. Peacemaking is part of the strategy which creates peace. When peace is considered as the presence of harmony rather than just the absence of conflict, parents pursue peace by positively, constructively engaging with their children. Research by Lori Roggman and associates* suggests that children’s early development is promoted by interactions with both mothers and fathers especially in the context of play.

Peaceful parenting practices include parents:

  • On the floor playing with kids
  • Asking questions and exploring deeper in conversation
  • Modeling controlled emotion and self-composure
  • Utilizing appropriate touch with the kids
  • Reading to and with the kids
  • Sharing cultural values, family traditions, and beliefs
  • Demonstrating virtue
  • Communicating supportive messages
  • Balancing the use of “yes” and “no” responses

Non-peaceful parenting practices include parents’:

  • Uncontrolled emotion
  • Not investing appropriate time and energy
  • Unbalanced criticism
  • Ambiguous or inconsistently enforced boundaries
  • Unpredictable or exaggerated consequences
  • Modeling values that conflict with the expectations for the child

There is a serious and mistaken notion in American parenting culture that peace can be created by emphasizing the punishment of undesirable behavior. The other end of the spectrum tries to ignore misbehavior as long as possible until the parent cannot contain themselves any longer or something serious happens. Both of these approaches fail to appreciate that positive parental engagement is necessary for creating a peaceful foundation. When this is in place children have a desirable alternative to correct back toward after misbehavior. When a lack of peace and harmony is the norm, misbehavior fits right in.

Peaceful parenting is not easy, especially when this was not a parent’s own childhood experience. Parenting is a skill that can be taught and learned – few people come by it naturally. For more resources on how to create harmony at home, check out the Parenting category of our blog. Another relationship-based parenting method recommended by Fuller Life Family Therapy is the Nurtured Heart Approach developed by Howard Glasser. The link provided includes a description and introductory video. For more in-depth guidance please feel free to consult one of our resident therapists and take advantage of their years of experience promoting healthy family and child development.

*Roggman, L. A., Boyce, L. K., Cook, G. A., Christiansen, K., & Jones, D. (2004). Playing with daddy: Social toy play, early head start, and developmental outcomes. Fathering, 2(1), 83-108.

 

Scott Rampy

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Parenting, Sticky
Tags : parenting, parenting strategy, peace, positive engagement

There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little (mental) help

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 July 21, 2014
  · No Comments

there's nothing wrong with asking for a little mental help

In our culture, when a person has the flu, they go to their doctor. When it is time for a teeth cleaning or when there is a toothache, one goes to their dentist. Many have a go-to mechanic for car trouble. When the refrigerator is empty, people go to their usual grocery store. For these common, anticipated problems people generally know where they will go to get them resolved and have confidence they will be successful. But to whom does one turn when faced with a mental health or relationship challenge?

It is much more uncommon for someone to have identified their mental health professional or relationship therapist. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH):

  •  18.6% of American adults experienced a mental illness in 2012, or 43.7 million people.
  • Approximately 16.5% of American adults will experience major depressive disorder in their lifetime;
  • 28.8% will experience an anxiety disorder.

The reality is experiencing mental health difficulty is a common experience of life. Depression is sometimes referred to as being the common cold of mental health, yet for some reason many do not seek help.

  • Only 21.3% of those with major depressive disorder are receiving minimally adequate treatment;
  • the figure drops to only 14.3% for those dealing with an anxiety disorder.

Mental health aside, what parent has not lamented that children don’t come along with user’s manuals? Who in a committed relationship has not at times experienced real testing of that commitment? Despite common beliefs about what a marriage is “supposed” to be like, entering a period of disillusionment is a normal, to-be-expected phase of long-term relationships. But there is no need to suffer through these experiences alone. There is no shame in asking for a listening ear and a helping hand.

Here are a few action steps you can take today:

PREPARE for the possibility that you or a loved one may one day be in a position to benefit from reaching out to a mental health professional.

RESEARCH mental health professionals in your area.

MEET a mental health professional for a free consultation if available.

IDENTIFY a professional that you feel comfortable turning to if a need ever arises in the future.

ASK a friend or family member if they have ever experienced a mental health challenge or gone to therapy. Is there someone they might recommend?

SHARE with others a positive experience you have had seeking help for a mental health challenge – perhaps on Facebook or Twitter. Normalizing help-seeking may encourage someone to reach out for help in their own challenge.

REMOVE a mindset of shame. One does not have to be “crazy” to seek out mental health help.

DECIDE not to try to cope alone.

SCHEDULE an annual checkup for your relationship or psychological health.

 

Here are a few other articles offering tips on finding a mental health provider:

WebMD – “Tips for Finding a Counselor or Therapist”

Psychology Today – “How to Find the BEST Therapist for You”

Huffington Post – “Demystifying Therapy: 5 Insider Tips for Finding a Good Therapist”

Mayo Clinic – “Mental Health Providers: Tips on Finding One”

Note: Unfortunately, these articles do not mention Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT = Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist) among the types of mental health providers. MFTs are most comparable to LPCs (Licensed Professional Counselors). The major difference is that they view issues within a systemic framework (e.g., how a family or couple copes with depression, substance abuse, etc. – not just the individual). They also tend to be more prepared to offer couples and family therapy for relationship problems. However, the license type does not determine the quality of therapy. In fact, many therapists hold both types of licensure. You can find quality treatment from both LPCs and LMFTs.

 

Scott RampyScott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Mental Health, Sticky
Tags : counseling, mental health, mental health service providers, psychological help, seeking treatment, therapist, therapy

Premarital Counseling Package

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 December 9, 2013

Pre-marital counseling is a meaningful investment for any new marriage. When we build a house, we make sure to lay a strong foundation so that the house can last through potential storms and years of wear. The same can be said for building a strong foundation for a healthy marriage. Pre-marital counseling allows couples to create tools that foster closeness, healthy coping, and communication. These skills strengthen couples so that they can better weather and navigate potential storms and challenges that come across any marriage.

Of all the decisions couples make during their engagement, choosing to enter premarital counseling is among the most important. Continuing our quest to facilitate healthy relationships through quality, affordable counseling.

Couples will engage the topics of:

  • Communication
  • Conflict resolution
  • Family background influences
  • Areas of strengths and growth
  • and much more
Categories : Communication, Counseling, Couples, Intimacy & Sex Therapy, Marriage, Premarital, Sticky
Tags : Communication, Couples counseling, marriage counseling, Premarital

Sticking Together through Transitions

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 November 21, 2013

canstockphoto1606279Family life is marked by transitional moments. Throughout life together a couple could celebrate their first date, engagement, wedding day, anniversaries, birthdays, birthdays of children, first days of school, first day of college, retirement, becoming grandparents, and more. These moments are photographed, videotaped, remembered and celebrated. Time is marked by before and after these transitional events.

Change can be stressful

Yet even for such happy moments each transition carries with it a certain amount of stress. Few couples escape the wedding planning process without some measure of conflict between each other or with in-laws or families. While the college freshman is embarking on a new exciting adventure, the house never feels the same for parents and younger siblings. Other transitions are even more difficult – a family member is sick, a breadwinner gets laid off, a marriage ends, or a loved one passes on. It is in transitional periods that families encounter the most difficulty. Transitions are both tests of strength and opportunities for growth.

Talk it out together when in transition

So how does a family successfully navigate transitional moments? Perhaps the most important ingredient is communication. This involves not only the act of speaking but, perhaps more importantly, the manner it is received and the response. A supportive atmosphere invites communication and is characterized by warmth, softness, non-judgmental responding and non-defensiveness. This means the goal is to hear and understand, rather than help or give advice.

Be positive on purpose

canstockphoto1606281Such an atmosphere does not often come naturally to a family. It needs to be cultivated during the times between transition. Renowned marriage researcher Dr. John Gottman refers to this atmosphere as either Positive Sentiment Override or Negative Sentiment Override. In other words, is the overall mood of the relationship more positive or more negative? This is changeable based on the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions between family members.

Commit to communicate ahead of time

Transitional moments are made worse when going through them alone. Make a commitment to be a supportive listening partner to your family members and you will contribute to a supportive atmosphere for yourself as well. Between these moments, endeavor to build these skills in preparation for the challenges sure to come.

For more, view our other posts in the Communication category of our blog.

 

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFT Associate

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

 

 

 

 

Categories : Communication, Couples, Divorce, Empathy, Grief, Parenting, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : Communication, death, divorce, family stress, graduation, grief, John Gottman, listening, Negative Sentiment Override, Positive Sentiment Override, Transitions

9 Reasons Happily Engaged Couples go to Premarital Counseling

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 September 24, 2013

young African American couplePremarital counseling is only for couples who are engaged and having trouble, right?  Wrong.

Premarital therapy is helpful for engaged couples in crisis, but it is especially  intended for healthy couples madly in love with each other.

Why should a couple that is very much in love, happily engaged and looking forward to the “big day” go to the added time and expense of premarital counseling?

  1. Every couple has blind spots. Partners think they know each other inside and out but it is common to discover substantial areas of disagreement in certain expectations. Premarital counseling is designed to illuminate those areas of agreement, disagreement, and uncertainty.
  2. The divorce rate hovers around 50% according to U.S. Census data. Nearly one of every two couples who on their wedding day could never imagine divorce don’t make it.
  3. No one comes naturally equipped as an expert communicator. Learn about communication strategies, emotional self-regulation and conflict resolution.
  4. Discover family-of-origin influences on yourself and your partner.
  5. Find a safe place to deeply investigate past failed relationships together and prepare to end undesirable patterns.
  6. If one or both partners have children, it is important to prepare for the additional role of step-parenting. Likewise, children may benefit from family counseling as they adjust to the changes as well.
  7. Get acquainted to counseling and a counselor. Gaining that familiarity will provide a resource to turn to for help when the going gets tough.
  8. The marriage relationship is unlike any other relationship one encounters previously in life. Coupled with that, many people have few real-life examples of successful marriage relationships. For many couples, television and the movies subconsciously set the expectations for a “normal” relationship. Maintaining unrealistic expectations is a sure path to disappointment. Making expectations clear and planning accordingly paves the way to contentment and joy.
  9. The cost of a wedding ceremony seems high enough, but it doesn’t compare to the emotional cost of a failed relationship on divorcees and children. On the other hand, the value and beauty of a successful relationship that is able to make it through the difficult times is immeasurable. Couples are wise to prepare for the success of the marriage just as they prepare for the wedding ceremony.

Next steps:

  • Talk with your partner about whether premarital counseling is a good investment for your relationship.
  • Talk to a counselor about starting premarital counseling.
  • Ask a counselor for book recommendations for your relationship.
  • Check the Fuller Life Family Therapy blog for more articles on creating healthy relationships. (Tip: Use the “Categories” filter on the right side of the page) 
  • Browse our online magazine on “Resilient Relationships.”

Contact us for information about our Premarital Counseling Package!

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFTA

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

 

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Categories : Blended Families, Couples, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : blended families, Communication, conflict resolution, engaged couple, marriage expectations, Premarital counseling, wedding preparations

Befriending Anxiety

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 May 30, 2013
  · 1 Comment

The world would be quite a dangerous place without pain. It may seem odd but imagine the potential damage if a person did not have an instinctive, natural response when something was causing them harm. When someone accidentally places a hand on a hot stove their brain receives a near instantaneous response that this is causing them harm. They automatically jerk their hand away and prevent a more harmful burn. While pain is something we naturally want to avoid, it is a good and necessary part of life. We are wise to listen to what it communicates to us.

This is the same approach that Susan Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer apply to anxiety and our Anxiety Brainemotional experiences in their excellent book The Mindful Way Through Anxiety. Unwanted emotion like anxiety is the mind’s way of communicating that something in one’s life is out of sorts. It is an alarm that something needs to be corrected. Unlike with physical pain, however, people do not come equipped with an automatic response to correct the problem. Sometimes it isn’t even clear what the source of the pain is. Just as it is harmful to attempt to ignore the communication of pain from a hand on a stove, Orsillo and Roemer suggest it is likewise harmful not to attend to our emotions. Yet, in an effort to remove the emotional discomfort, people often devise various ways of distracting and ignoring.

What if instead, one was to turn attention toward painful emotion? Orsillo and Roemer advocate developing “an accepting and mindful stance toward emotions and be[ing] willing to experience the full range of emotions that arise when you fully participate in life.” This perspective opposes the two common beliefs that humans are able to eliminate negative emotions from their lives and that doing so will lead to a happier, fuller life. Rather, “humans are hard-wired to feel anxious when in a threatening situation. No amount of self-control and determination can override that natural response.” The struggle to escape by controlling anxiety tends to, like a person caught in quicksand, only suck one down further into its grip. Mindfulness is one way of cultivating a friendly, curious, and compassionate response toward anxiety and other emotional experiences allowing them to serve their natural purpose.

http://mindfulwaythroughanxietybook.comTo find out more about this book, check out their website mindfulwaythroughanxietybook.com or the book’s Amazon page.

For more from Fuller Life Family Therapy on dealing with anxiety try “Create Balance: Living Well in the Midst of Anxiety” or “Creating Happiness.”

Categories : Anxiety & Panic, Anxiety Issues, Mindfulness Practice, Self-Care Practices, Sticky
Tags : anxiety, compassion, emotional intelligence, emotions, self-care, stress management

Do all healthy couples fight?

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 May 16, 2013
  · No Comments

There is an old saying that all healthy couples fight. While it is true that all healthy couples dvactively encounter and work through conflict, it is not necessarily true that all healthy couples must or need to “fight.” Fighting normally entails a struggle for one to overpower and subdue the other. Is there a third way of resolving conflict than fighting or just giving in?

The classic back-and-forth argument is self-defeating. Imagine a couple as two fighters in opposite corners in a boxing ring. Each tries to win by out-arguing the other. Each point scored by one partner spurs the other on to retaliate in kind. Yet even when this struggle is successful at resolving the issue, the relationship often comes out bruised and wounded. Is there a way to enhance the strength of the relationship through conflict?

What if instead of boxers a couple was pictured as two people working on a puzzle together?

Couple with jigsaw puzzle

Side by side they work on a problem. While the boxers emphasize the talking part of communicating, the puzzlers place the emphasis on listening. While one person shares their thoughts and feelings the other tries to gather a deep understanding of the speaker. They ask questions to help their understanding. They share what they think they are hearing while being open to the possibility that they misunderstood and are open to correction. When one person intentionally takes such a stance it makes it much easier for the other to respond in kind.

Prominent relationship researcher John Gottman has found three types of couples communication styles  (validators, volatiles, and avoiders) can all be stable relationships.  However, regardless of the style, certain tactics such as the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are destructive. Namely, these are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

An alternative positive tactic, listening, doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing – although it can lead to that. Engaging in a process of listening not only opens doors to solution but, more importantly communicates that the conversation partner is valuable. The key to success in this new venture is managing emotion. Avoiding the Four Horsemen and emphasizing listening, validating, openness, and compassion are important components to constructively working through conflict.

For more by John Gottman look into his popular books “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last” and “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” 

From the Fuller Life blog:

“Five Reasons Why Your Loved One Won’t Communicate and What They Might Be Feeling”

“Anger and Relationships”

“What I Made Up in my Mind”

 

 

Categories : Communication, Counseling, Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships, Sticky
Tags : acceptance, anger management, Communication, compassion, couples, Couples exercises, Curiosity, emotions, emotions and relationships, relationships

Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 March 18, 2013
  · 1 Comment

Parenting with Love and LogicIn their popular parenting book Parenting with Love and Logic, psychologist Dr. Foster Cline and educator Jim Fay suggest that parenting is best done with the outcome in mind. (See below for bios of Cline and Fay). Parents want children to grow up into adults that make responsible decisions. As Gandhi is reported to have said, “The means are the ends in the process of becoming.” Applied to parenting, the strategy used in raising up kids is shaping the adults they will become. If a parenting strategy relies upon issuing commands, the child is being steered toward being an adept follower of someone else’s decisions. A brand new adult with little experience thinking, choosing a course of action, and negotiating the consequences is in serious danger of making life-alteringly poor decisions.

But what if the child could gain experience in thinking, deciding, and benefiting or learning from outcomes within the safe confines of parents’ boundaries? Cline and Fay’s model of parenting is based upon the parents making clear the acceptable options available to a child, allowing the child to make a decision, and benefitting or suffering from the consequences of their decision (when the child’s safety is not at risk). Love and Logic parents make use of questions: “Would you like ____ or would you rather ____?” These parents consistently place the responsibility of thinking on the children rather than over-functioning on behalf of the children. They love their children too much to shield them from the consequences of their decisions.

On the other hand, over-functioning parents rely on commands: “Do this.” “Don’t do that.” “Don’t do that either!” This command/obey/punish pattern sets the stage for regular battles of will – the parent’s versus the child’s. Every time a command is issued a line is drawn in the sand. Will the child obey or disobey? Consider what happens to the parents’ emotions each time the defies the command. It is common for the tension to ratchet up and up into anger and a poor choice of punishment. Not only do these parents expend energy thinking for the child but they also tend to expend an avoidable amount of negative emotional energy on the child.

This is not to say that there is not a place for obedience in Cline and Fay’s system. The parents still set the boundaries. However, because they have the end goal in sight, these parents realize that the present conflict is not the entire ballgame. Crossing the boundaries or making poor decisions garner undesirable consequences. The natural consequences of a poor decision are indispensable guides for growing a child into a responsible adult. Love and Logic parents love their children too much to rob them of valuable consequences.

To learn more about the Love and Logic style of parenting, pick up a copy of Cline and Fay’s very readable Parenting with Love and Logic. Included are over 40 examples how Love and Logic parents handle common, stressful parenting situations.

Bio for Dr. Foster Cline

Bio for Jim Fay

Categories : Emotional Intelligence, Family Therapy, Parenting, Relationships, Self-Esteem
Tags : Foster Cline, Jim Fay, parenting, Parenting with Love and Logic

Valentine’s Day Emergency!

Posted by Scott Rampy on
 February 14, 2013

Valentines Day EmergencyDrawing a blank on what to do for Valentine’s Day? The pressure to please can sap the romance right out of a day that is intended to be about enjoying your relationship. As is the case in many relationships, perhaps the romance secretly escaped your relationship about the same time you said “I do.” While your love for your significant other has increased over time perhaps it has become increasingly difficult to figure out how to communicate it.

Have no fear. Here are a few last minute suggestions:

  • Are there small kids in the family? After they are put to bed spread a quilt over the floor in the living room and have an indoor candle lit picnic. Set the mood. Light a candle, put on their favorite music and share some chocolate-dipped strawberries that you brought home with you.
  • Share 10 things you love about your spouse.
  • Make a CD of their favorite songs from when you were dating.
  • Write your own card.
  • Play the Love Map Game to show your desire to get to know each other better and have a few laughs.
  • Low on funds? Put on your finest clothes. Then take a tablecloth and candle to your favorite fast food restaurant. Enjoy the funny looks others give you all.
  • Identify your favorite characteristics in your partner. Share your favorite memory of a time that those traits were on display.
  • Share favorite memories of significant moments in your relationship over dinner.
  • Do the small things. Leave notes. Buy flowers. Eat together. Talk. Even if it doesn’t seem grand it may be more meaningful to them than you know.
  • Has your relationship been on the rocks? Book a couples therapy session with us and tell them how important the relationship is to you.

Scott Rampy, M.MFT, LMFTA

Resident Therapist at Fuller Life Family Therapy Institute

Categories : Couples, Emotions and Relationships, Marriage, Premarital, Relationships
Tags : Couples exercises, Romance, Romantic ideas, Valentines Day
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